I have not posted in ages. I have been totally immersed in busyness. I auditioned for the Sound of Music, and I got a role as a nun! I am ecstatic about my nunification! I am recovering from yet another surgery. I was very sick two weeks ago, and I went to the doctor and got some meds to calm my stomach. On Tuesday I felt sick again, and I started throwing up. It was early in the morning before I ate anything so I had nothing to vomit. I puked 5 or 6 times that day. I called for another appointment with my doc and I had some tests and an ultrasound... not for pregnancy, for my gallbladder. I actually ended up puking in the doctor's office. Anyway, I got the news that I had gallstones. So Wednesday night I had my gallbladder removed. The doc also found that I had a herniated bellybutton, so he fixed that as well. I am currently recovering from all that chaos. I am also typing on a spazzed out computer screen. It is busted. It looks like someone tried to clean it with a magnet. It's hard to see anything. But I am too desperate for computer socialising to care.

I apologize...

I am very sorry for my last post. A lot of pent up, raw emotion spilled into that. I know God has something amazing in store for me. I also know that I cannot see it right now, well I really do see it... by faith. God makes me capable. God makes me beautiful. God is so much bigger than I make Him out to be, and even more than I can even imagine. I think that I take pride in making myself unfixable, because that means that I have no reason to for God to fix me. I am so stupid. God is. God was, God will always be. There are many others in the Bible that had it worse, and God made them triumph. God uses the weak to do great things, because it is so much cooler to see the incapable do the unthinkable. I am sorry God, for portraying you as weak. In no way are you weak. You are Strength! You are Power! You are God! I praise You, Lord! Fill my life, Lord, make me strong, make me wise, make me into the beautiful daughter You know is in me. Here I am Lord, send me! Thank you Lord, for giving me the life I have. I know You have given me this for a reason, and I will never be ungrateful for this life again. Your way is the best way. Use me to change the world, Lord.

Desires of the heart...

Man, as I become more mobile, I become more restless to do different activities. I want to try out for a musical, its The Sound Of Music. I would love to be in a musical again. I don't know how much I could do in regards to dancing and things. It would be so fun to experience a great production like this. I don't think I am going to do it. I need to earn more money. My time for fun and doing things I'm passionate about is over. I need to grow up. I don't want to live here forever. I don't know what I am going to do. Today is mother's day. I got my mom a card, and my brother and I made a dumb movie for her. I am going to start cleaning the house when I get done with this. I am dying for a new life. It's worth dying for isn't it? I saw some photos of my friends from where I used to live and I have this deep longing to go see them. I miss them. They are visiting their homes for the summer before their next college semester. I am just loafing around wasting my life. I feel hopeless. I feel dead. I feel lifeless, weak, and done. Done with life. It's more like life is done with me. I want to go, I want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to thrive. I hate myself. I don't mean to insult God. Because I feel like, the way I am now was not the way He origonally made me. I screwed myself up. I failed. I am pathetic. I am useless. What is happening to me. I don't want to have another surgery. The first surgery was so terrifying and scarred me for life, more emotionally than physically. I don't want to go back. I want to move on. I am 19 years old for goodness sake. I need to be on my own. Living my own life. Please God why do I have to go through this? It is so hard. I am scared, and I am alone.