Thursday, July 15, 2010

Here we go again...

It's been awhile. I have missed venting my feelings and insights and funny happenings here. I feel that it is public, but not public enough where I feel I should hold some feeling back. I have been realizing throughout the day, for some odd reason, that I have an unquenchable feeling to prove myself. I think this has stemmed from the fact that growing up, I never had any dominant girl relationships. I had my brother, and my dad, and my mom and closest sister. But my aunt has four boys. My aunt is my mom's closest and only sister. Although she also lives the closest to us. Every thanksgiving was dominated by growing boys, and me. I always felt alone, and that I needed to prove that I was just as fun, even though I was a girl. My cousins and brother would get along fine, and I would either have to sit alone in my room, or play all of the games they played, only tougher and better. I have never really gotten rid of that feeling. I hate the fact that I feel I am always competing with everyone else. It is a habit carried on from my childhood. I don't like acting this way. I feel stupid, and I know it is not me. How do I get rid of this bad habit that is so ingrained in my personality, to the point where I do not feel I can survive a conversation without being the center? I want to function normally socially. I guess I should start by getting to bed at a decent time. I cannot find my medicine, and I have kind of just given up. I should probably start looking again, before I start doing stupid things due to late night, (or early morning?) boredom. SIGH.... what to do. I just realized that I need to get to why I started writing this entry. My next surgery has been scheduled. It is taking place on September 1st. I figured I would want the rest of the summer to be free. I don't know what I will be doing in my last months of freedom... but I guess the best things aren't always carefully planned ahead. We shall see what the rest of July and August have in store for me... because I have not a clue.