Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Music.

I love singing. Anywhere, anytime. I sing with our church's worship band every other Sunday. I sometimes burst into song mid sentence, regrettably, when I hear anything that resembles a song title, lyric, musician, or if a song is looping through my thoughts. I have unofficially diagnosed myself with musical turrets syndrome. Anyway, God has blessed me with a voice. And throughout this period in my life, of growing, maturing, learning from mistakes, and waiting I have been trying to plan my future. I have been wrestling with God, all the while asking Him to show me His will and His plan for my life. Does that make sense to you? Me neither. While I have been planning and unplanning and praying for God's will to be apparent to me, I have been ruling out any type of worhip/ music ministry. The reason being that I can get so distracted when I am on stage singing Sunday mornings. I am distracted pretty much 24/7 but the difference is that when I am onstage, I want to sing every single word of every song and mean it with all of my heart. I feel so fake when I am trying to praise God, but my mind is miles away thinking about stuff like- hitting the right notes, where is the glare on the wall coming from, did I leave my straightener on this morning, and I don't even realize it. Then I feel bad for not focusing on God, and then I wonder if anyone could tell I was distracted. My a.d.d. is such a hang up for me. I am so insecure of myself because of this. I pray that God's will be done, and all this time I have been automatically ruling out what may be His very will for me. Not only am I putting my wants before God's will, but I am making God so little, powerless in my mind. I am assuming that God is not powerful enough or smart enough to figure out a way around my a.d.d. or to use it for His glory. I strive so much for control. Control over my random outlandish attention span, control over my sometimes bombarding personality, control over conversations, and control over God. God is opening my eyes to His Awesomeness. He doesn't use me despite my shortcomings for His glory. God uses all of me, especially my shortcomings, for His glory. Please pray for me that my perspective is focused outward on God and others instead of myself.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

bleh

Sometimes my mind is racing. Speeding so fast I don't even notice until it crashes. My heart is weary from the rapid switch between emotions. If I am sad, it only last until I blink and notice something that floods my mind with new thoughts. I want to linger on what burdens me and scratch and claw to clutch the escaping mood, but it's gone. And then I burn with frustration because I don't understand why I can't just focus and hold my attention on one thing. It's so easy to forgive and forget because I forget more than my lungs take in oxygen. Yeah, ok so I lied a little when I said it's easy to forgive and forget. I have one issue when it comes to forgiveness. The only person I have trouble forgiving is myself. Help me Jesus. I am so broken. I am so frustrated at myself. I want to focus. I want to be able to sit still. I want to listen to others and not tune out without even realizing. What I want though, is not always what is best for me. What I need is to just be ok with who I am.