Melodies in my head

A whirlwind of blessings and heartaches have blown me away since I last wrote. Amidst it all God has been soo loving and patient with me. I have been struggling with anxiety ever since I reacted to pain killers and hallucinated during my first hospital visit in January of last year. During that visit I hallucinated about terrorists in the hospital, one of my coworkers stalking me around the hospital and trying to kill me, I saw people staring at me in the reflection of my hospital room window, and countless other horrifying things that affected every rational part in me. I have never really recovered from that yet, even now I'm crying as I recall how terrified I was. I have noticed that I am somewhat paranoid (though by a much smaller degree). It's very difficult to be myself for fear of people I don't know watching me. I get very anxious when I go shopping, because I imagine people watching me to see if I steal. I love to sing but hate singing in the car because I don't want people driving by to see me singing. It is impossible to trust God and live in constant worry and anxiety. Much that I do is second guessed, and scrutinized, and compared so much that I feel like a shadow of who I really am. It is very hard to be honest about this, especially to God.  I realized I cannot follow God if I am not honest with Him. He already knows me inside and out, but I didn't want to admit to God or myself that I was hurting inside, which tore me away from Him. I am giving God control of everything from now on, and He is healing my doubting heart. I draw strength from His promises, and confidence in that God created me the way I am for a purpose and He makes me beautiful. God's love is unavoidable! And... (BIG blessing alert)... I have half of my college tuition paid by a grant! In April I applied for a Music Talent Grant and was required to audition for the music director. I sang "What Do I Know Of Holy" by Addison Road. My doubting heart gave up hoping for the award after about 2 weeks of waiting impatiently. But I received a letter 2 days ago stating I was awarded a half tuition! God is so good! He is Jehovah-Jireh!