Kicked in the junk

   I'm not sure what to type about today. Once again, I have very little motivation to say anything at all. A verse just popped into my head though so maybe I should share:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
  
   I'm weak. So weary of dealing with all of the negative voices in my head telling me that I won't amount to anything. Telling me I have no talent where it counts. Sure I'm funny and I can sing, but what will come of that? I'm weary of of the voices telling me that I'll never have any meaningful relationships, my marriage is going to suck thanks to my parents, I'm going to turn out just like my mother, whatever I do I will fail, I can't do anything responsible because I'm so impulsive and forgetful. The voices tell me my future is pretty grim, so I may as well just give up now and save myself the effort and heartache and pain.
   I cry out to God. Waiting for some giant revelation or epiphany to turn my life around. I'm expecting that I just need to figure out what point I'm missing, or what I'm doing wrong, fix it, and then everything will be okay. Then the week goes by and life catches up with me again, kicks me in the junk (figuratively of course cuz I'm a chick and I don't have any junk), beats me down, and in my weakness, I forget God.
   I'm slowly accepting the fact that life may never work out, but God's using all of this to make me stronger, dependent on Him, and it's all for my good. This is a low point in my life but I hold on to one thing... just like when your reading a depressing part of the bible, something beautiful happens. The most beautiful phrase in the entire bible (in my opinion.) You read something super discouraging and the you see two words... BUT GOD. For example:

Ephesians 2:3-9
  Among these we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, following the desires of body and mind, and so we were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. BUT GOD, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with him, and made us sit with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God—not because of works, lest any man should boast.

   This is a "BUT GOD" moment in my life. It's awful and painful and it sucks... but God. That's it. God is with me. God is. God was. God is to come. He's in me, shaping me, molding me, and growing me. My life is just a pile of ashes, dust. But to quote the great band Gungor, "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust." God's making this giant crap-pile life into something beautiful.
   There is some sort of worth or value in me even though I can't see it at all. God doesn't make junk from what I've been told. God created me with some sort of purpose, with worth and value. All of this is something that is easily typed, but I'm still having trouble accepting it. The one thing I'm just going to hammer into my brain is: BUT GOD.

A prayer for prayer

   Is just abnormally depressed. I can't take it. I had a wonderful time in Chicago and then life crashed right back down on me. I have zero motivation to do anything. I'm surprised I even started typing this. Parents are separated, I screwed things up with my best friend, and I just feel like an awful person. I'm running through all of the things I've failed at in life that just affirm why I'm an awful person.
   I'm going through all the things I need to do this week like homework, job searching, cleaning, filling out school papers... it's overwhelming me. I'm trying to depend on God but it's harder than ever. I've never ever felt so alone, so inadequate, and so worthless. I'm just at my wit's end.
   I know God is here. He's loving me this very second. I'm so blinded by all of this crap in my life that I can barely see Him, or even grasp that concept. 
   I just hate everything about myself right now and about my life. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have no motivation to pray. I don't even really want to pray, scarily enough... but I'm going to. I'm going to pray the hardest when it's hardest to pray. I don't know what to pray for, but I do know that I need to pray regardless.
 
 -God, life is tough right now. Satan is attacking me from every angle. I can feel my attention being pulled away from You. I don't want this. I want to fight it, but I have no fight left in me. I have nothing to offer you and I barely have the energy to talk to you. My hope is slipping through my fingers. I don't know what to ask of You. This is a time where I can only let the Holy Spirit discern what my heart is crying for me. I have faith that you know what I need and that you will provide according to your will. I'm just so depressed and broken-hearted. My problems are stacked like a great wall in front of me with no way to pass it. The word "impossible" just flashes across my brain in giant, red, capitol letters. Please give me peace, and wisdom to sort out all the nonsense my head is telling me and to listen to your truth. I don't know what else to do anymore, God. I'm just worn down. There is nothing left of me. Please fill me, restore me, heal me, love me. I need you. I need your love to shine and burst through my darkness.
Amen


Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.