Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wellspring of life has run dry...
Friday, June 29, 2012
To God be the glory
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
Psalm 143:8-10
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I'm a funsucker
Last night after my blog post, I had a weird, kind of "crazy, random happenstance." I was texting a friend and the topic of religion came up. He mentioned he was searching for some faith... and my heart about stopped. What's this? Another opportunity to share my faith? Well praise God! I said a quick prayer for some peace and the right words to say. I prayed for God to open his heart to Him.
So, filled with so much excitement that I almost peed, I texted him back, "It's rough these days, but what helped me was getting to know who God is by reading the bible. It's such a sunday school answer, I know, but books like Galations and John helpled me see how awesome God is. The bible is written by forty different authors over a span of 2000 year and they all write about God; they are all consistent with each other. I knew there had to be more to life than living for myself so I gave my life to God and now I live for a purpose greater than my own and it's brought me joy that I could never get by living for myself. You should come to my church with me on Sunday and check it out! If you are really searching for some faith, check out the book of John and ask God to speak to your heart and help you find some answers. You don't have to got to a church to meet with God:)" Then I texted my youth pastor to make sure I didn't leave anything out in my ridiculous excitement to evangelize!
God is so good. Even through my over-excited bumbling mess of a text, God gave me peace and wisdom to witness His love to a friend over a text message. I will continue to pray for this gentleman every day in the hopes that he finds what he is looking for but most of all, finds fulfillment in a relationship with Christ.
So last night was a definite blessing for me to know that I'm not a complete doofus and maybe I don't screw everything up. Today though... oh man. It's like I hit a brick wall today. Today is my day off but holy moses it was so busy. I got up at 7:30 after a horrible night's sleep. I woke up so many times.
Anyway, I got up early and went to walmart to pick up cupcake mix and baking supplies. Then I realized I forgot something so I had to drive to dollar general who didn't have what I needed, so I begrudgingly drove to walgreens who had what I needed but at a ridiculous price.
Then I got to baking. I baked chocolate cupcakes and made my own whipped nutella icing for them. A labor of love. I hate cooking by the way. I just suck at cooking. Actually the cupcakes turned out fine and the icing was delish. I baked them for my youth band today for staying on task last week and also because it was someone's birthday. After I baked and iced the cupcakes, I went to church to practice piano. I played until my friend showed up and I coached him on how to play Manifesto. Then at 1, youth band practice started. Someone forgot their music, which was frustrating. We actually got every song done with a half hour to spare, but the students were pretty unfocused today.
It's so hard to start being an adult when everyone knows me as the immature ridiculous funny girl. Once you make a name for yourself, it's hard to change it. So now that I'm finally trying to be serious about worship, no one gets it. Everyone still treats me like the jester. I feel like a huge jerk for finally becoming an authority figure, but I also feel so disrespected. I don't think they take me seriously. I don't know if anyone really does but that's a completely different story. I lose my voice every Thursday from just trying to talk over the three or four people who interrupt me during practice. The time I finally want to act like an adult and start to act mature, is when I get shot down.
They don't listen and it definitely feels like I'm doing all of this in vain. I tried to organize a small discussion about our purpose as worship leaders and... I don't really know if anyone even heard what I was saying. I put so much effort into it but it felt like a giant waste of time which killed me. I'm kind of at my wit's end about this. Maybe I'm just tired.
Then I went to an hour and 20 minute voice lesson. It went well, but my instructor worked me hard. I then went back to church to work on a playlist for my youth pastor. I was supposed to go to a listening session tonight, but I'm just exhausted and my mood is atrocious. I got in an argument with my mom and that about iced the cake for me today. I'm now holed up in my room venting to cyberspace.
All the voices in my head are telling me that I'm never going to grow up and that the past month's growth isn't real and it isn't going to last. I'm never going to measure up to other adults my age because I'm an immature, naive, stupid little girl. There are some serious attacks against my heart right now and it's very overwhelming. I'm not sure why today I feel so horrible. I can only pray for peace and dig into the word for God to speak to me. I trust that God has a plan for this pain right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
I'm placing my identity in Christ now which is a very uncomfortable process. I am not relying on my humor anymore to make me feel like I belong, so sometimes I just feel worthless. Then add being shot down for trying to grow up and now I just feel stupid. I know that Christ gives me worth, but knowing and feeling are two opposing forces. Okay enough blogging for today. I just want someone to love on me right now and tell me something corny and cliche to get me through this, but Christ loves me even though I don't feel it right now so I will just trust Him and find peace in that.
Isaiah 33:2
O Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.
2 Cor 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
So, filled with so much excitement that I almost peed, I texted him back, "It's rough these days, but what helped me was getting to know who God is by reading the bible. It's such a sunday school answer, I know, but books like Galations and John helpled me see how awesome God is. The bible is written by forty different authors over a span of 2000 year and they all write about God; they are all consistent with each other. I knew there had to be more to life than living for myself so I gave my life to God and now I live for a purpose greater than my own and it's brought me joy that I could never get by living for myself. You should come to my church with me on Sunday and check it out! If you are really searching for some faith, check out the book of John and ask God to speak to your heart and help you find some answers. You don't have to got to a church to meet with God:)" Then I texted my youth pastor to make sure I didn't leave anything out in my ridiculous excitement to evangelize!
God is so good. Even through my over-excited bumbling mess of a text, God gave me peace and wisdom to witness His love to a friend over a text message. I will continue to pray for this gentleman every day in the hopes that he finds what he is looking for but most of all, finds fulfillment in a relationship with Christ.
So last night was a definite blessing for me to know that I'm not a complete doofus and maybe I don't screw everything up. Today though... oh man. It's like I hit a brick wall today. Today is my day off but holy moses it was so busy. I got up at 7:30 after a horrible night's sleep. I woke up so many times.
Anyway, I got up early and went to walmart to pick up cupcake mix and baking supplies. Then I realized I forgot something so I had to drive to dollar general who didn't have what I needed, so I begrudgingly drove to walgreens who had what I needed but at a ridiculous price.
Then I got to baking. I baked chocolate cupcakes and made my own whipped nutella icing for them. A labor of love. I hate cooking by the way. I just suck at cooking. Actually the cupcakes turned out fine and the icing was delish. I baked them for my youth band today for staying on task last week and also because it was someone's birthday. After I baked and iced the cupcakes, I went to church to practice piano. I played until my friend showed up and I coached him on how to play Manifesto. Then at 1, youth band practice started. Someone forgot their music, which was frustrating. We actually got every song done with a half hour to spare, but the students were pretty unfocused today.
It's so hard to start being an adult when everyone knows me as the immature ridiculous funny girl. Once you make a name for yourself, it's hard to change it. So now that I'm finally trying to be serious about worship, no one gets it. Everyone still treats me like the jester. I feel like a huge jerk for finally becoming an authority figure, but I also feel so disrespected. I don't think they take me seriously. I don't know if anyone really does but that's a completely different story. I lose my voice every Thursday from just trying to talk over the three or four people who interrupt me during practice. The time I finally want to act like an adult and start to act mature, is when I get shot down.
They don't listen and it definitely feels like I'm doing all of this in vain. I tried to organize a small discussion about our purpose as worship leaders and... I don't really know if anyone even heard what I was saying. I put so much effort into it but it felt like a giant waste of time which killed me. I'm kind of at my wit's end about this. Maybe I'm just tired.
Then I went to an hour and 20 minute voice lesson. It went well, but my instructor worked me hard. I then went back to church to work on a playlist for my youth pastor. I was supposed to go to a listening session tonight, but I'm just exhausted and my mood is atrocious. I got in an argument with my mom and that about iced the cake for me today. I'm now holed up in my room venting to cyberspace.
All the voices in my head are telling me that I'm never going to grow up and that the past month's growth isn't real and it isn't going to last. I'm never going to measure up to other adults my age because I'm an immature, naive, stupid little girl. There are some serious attacks against my heart right now and it's very overwhelming. I'm not sure why today I feel so horrible. I can only pray for peace and dig into the word for God to speak to me. I trust that God has a plan for this pain right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
I'm placing my identity in Christ now which is a very uncomfortable process. I am not relying on my humor anymore to make me feel like I belong, so sometimes I just feel worthless. Then add being shot down for trying to grow up and now I just feel stupid. I know that Christ gives me worth, but knowing and feeling are two opposing forces. Okay enough blogging for today. I just want someone to love on me right now and tell me something corny and cliche to get me through this, but Christ loves me even though I don't feel it right now so I will just trust Him and find peace in that.
Isaiah 33:2
O Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.
2 Cor 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Hot mess 100!
This is a very special post! Do you know why? Today is my 100th post! *Confetti bursts and streamers fly* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daaa-daaa! (That was Hail to the Chief... just use your imagination.) My first post was way back when I had just had my hip surgery. I noticed how dark of a place I was in back then. God has delivered me from so much, and I am forever grateful.
My day started out pretty awesome. I had a great time alone with God. Reading some more in Psalm, Proverbs, James, and Isaiah. Then some prayer on the floor. There is something about intentionally getting down on my knees to pray that makes my time with God so much more intense.
I guess it's not the act itself of kneeling to pray, but the fact that when I kneel, I remember that I am kneeling before my King, my Creator, my Savior, my God. It humbles me. I used to start out every prayer asking God for help or praying for others, but since I've been kneeling, I've started my prayers praising God for His divinity and AWESOME power. Kneeling is a physical reminder of the contrast between me and God. I'm the servant, He is the master.
Okay so after that came work from 12-6. Work was kind of frustrating. I was on register and boy did some interesting characters come out of the woodwork today! Some creeper had the nerve to stare at my chest and at me while I bagged his purchases, then a German lady paid for her order all in change, and the only thing I could do was remind myself "Jesus died for these people too, Erin." So even though I got flustered, I kept my cool and thanked God I didn't have to work 8 hours today.
Then I helped with a junior high bible study. I got to talk with my youth pastor a bit about the goings on in my life which was nice. And now I'm here! Reading Love Wins and rambling about silly things... wait... this is my 100th post! This is a big deal! I need to do something big! Okay... I got this! A video post!!! Here you go all you avid readers! Or reader... I'm sure there can't be more than one or two people who actually take the time to read my stuff... but yeah, video post! Please, watch, or not... I mean it's up to you...
Okay did you watch? It's cool if you didn't. I won't know either way. Okay so that hot-mess of a train wreck video is over, here is the verse I will leave you with that sums up the past year...
Psalm 94:17-19
Unless the Lord had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.
My day started out pretty awesome. I had a great time alone with God. Reading some more in Psalm, Proverbs, James, and Isaiah. Then some prayer on the floor. There is something about intentionally getting down on my knees to pray that makes my time with God so much more intense.
I guess it's not the act itself of kneeling to pray, but the fact that when I kneel, I remember that I am kneeling before my King, my Creator, my Savior, my God. It humbles me. I used to start out every prayer asking God for help or praying for others, but since I've been kneeling, I've started my prayers praising God for His divinity and AWESOME power. Kneeling is a physical reminder of the contrast between me and God. I'm the servant, He is the master.
Okay so after that came work from 12-6. Work was kind of frustrating. I was on register and boy did some interesting characters come out of the woodwork today! Some creeper had the nerve to stare at my chest and at me while I bagged his purchases, then a German lady paid for her order all in change, and the only thing I could do was remind myself "Jesus died for these people too, Erin." So even though I got flustered, I kept my cool and thanked God I didn't have to work 8 hours today.
Then I helped with a junior high bible study. I got to talk with my youth pastor a bit about the goings on in my life which was nice. And now I'm here! Reading Love Wins and rambling about silly things... wait... this is my 100th post! This is a big deal! I need to do something big! Okay... I got this! A video post!!! Here you go all you avid readers! Or reader... I'm sure there can't be more than one or two people who actually take the time to read my stuff... but yeah, video post! Please, watch, or not... I mean it's up to you...
Okay did you watch? It's cool if you didn't. I won't know either way. Okay so that hot-mess of a train wreck video is over, here is the verse I will leave you with that sums up the past year...
Psalm 94:17-19
Unless the Lord had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
The anatomy of burger in mouth
It's been a rough day. I've been so focused on what I'm missing instead of what I already have. I'm not much in the mood to blog today to be honest. I've been trying to distract myself and talk to God about my feelings.
I'm ready to eat my feelings. It's a food binge kind of night. I've got some more praying to do for sure. I pray for God to strengthen me according to His purpose, for some perspective, for wisdom to discern right and wrong, to guard my heart, and use this sudden emotional downturn to draw closer to God.
God is working out this weird depression for my good. I don't know where to go from here honestly... except McDonalds for some greasy food to fill in the cracks of my heart. Okay, melodrama of that sentence made me smile so maybe all is not as bad as it feels. God loves me and wants to spend time with me, so life is definitely better than it feels right now.
I'm back on facebook for those who don't know. It's not really a big deal. I just miss knowing the goings on of people's lives. I want to start praying for one facebook friend everyday. Anyone who jumps out at me on the timeline first will be prayed for. That's how I roll.
Okay, I was serious about getting some McDonalds... it's definitely go time. I'm going to change out of my spandex volleyball shorts and ripped up workout shirt and make myself halfway decent so I can acquire some greasy nummyness. Yeah... you heard me, spandex shorts and a ripped up workout shirt. Today was my bum day. Don't judge.
Okay so wrapping up now... um... It's funny how writing out feelings makes me feel so much better. It helps me to get my thoughts out and stops me from wrestling with them so much. I leave you with an epic verse I read today, that applies to my life right now in more ways than one...
Psalm 81:10
I am the Lord your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God has definitely brought me out of my own personal "Egypt" many times in my life. He is so awesome... And yeah... you can bet your sweet momma I will open my mouth wide and fill it! I'm about to max out on a mcdouble! ...I know that's not much, but that's all my stomach can actually handle. I am not a big eater... anymore... BADAH-BAH-BAH-BAH! I'm lovin it!
I'm ready to eat my feelings. It's a food binge kind of night. I've got some more praying to do for sure. I pray for God to strengthen me according to His purpose, for some perspective, for wisdom to discern right and wrong, to guard my heart, and use this sudden emotional downturn to draw closer to God.
God is working out this weird depression for my good. I don't know where to go from here honestly... except McDonalds for some greasy food to fill in the cracks of my heart. Okay, melodrama of that sentence made me smile so maybe all is not as bad as it feels. God loves me and wants to spend time with me, so life is definitely better than it feels right now.
I'm back on facebook for those who don't know. It's not really a big deal. I just miss knowing the goings on of people's lives. I want to start praying for one facebook friend everyday. Anyone who jumps out at me on the timeline first will be prayed for. That's how I roll.
Okay, I was serious about getting some McDonalds... it's definitely go time. I'm going to change out of my spandex volleyball shorts and ripped up workout shirt and make myself halfway decent so I can acquire some greasy nummyness. Yeah... you heard me, spandex shorts and a ripped up workout shirt. Today was my bum day. Don't judge.
Okay so wrapping up now... um... It's funny how writing out feelings makes me feel so much better. It helps me to get my thoughts out and stops me from wrestling with them so much. I leave you with an epic verse I read today, that applies to my life right now in more ways than one...
Psalm 81:10
I am the Lord your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God has definitely brought me out of my own personal "Egypt" many times in my life. He is so awesome... And yeah... you can bet your sweet momma I will open my mouth wide and fill it! I'm about to max out on a mcdouble! ...I know that's not much, but that's all my stomach can actually handle. I am not a big eater... anymore... BADAH-BAH-BAH-BAH! I'm lovin it!
Monday, June 25, 2012
The advantages of a goldfish memory
I want to be strong and beautiful like my friend Laura. She is so amazing and I've only really gotten to know her for a little over a week, and I absolutely love her. She is an absolute blessing in my life. Her personality is the perfect example of who I want to be. She is caring, compassionate, encouraging, always positive, wise, and so in love with God. So today we spent time together along with my friend Lara, watching old vhs tapes and just chilling together.
I've been so blessed to have people in my life. I praise God for the awesome community He has provided for me. If it weren't for my friends like Laura, Ashley, Lara, Jacob, the entire college bible study group, and my youth Pastor Weston, I would be in a much darker place than I was 3 weeks ago.
God has provided me with so much that I just cannot fathom His love for me. God has given me a community of new and old friends, a year of paid college tuition, financial aid to pay for textbooks, an awesome job at Goodwill, a grandmother who believes in me and my musical abilities enough to buy me a $400 keyboard, the wisdom to realize that my relationship with Christ is not where it should be, and a stronger heart to cope with these trials I face.
I'm listing these blessings because right now, I miss my ex so much. I've come to the point of almost texting him but erasing it before I could send it. I've prayed for God to be my strength, because I have none left.
Sometimes, it's nice having ADHD because one minute I feel depressed and lonely, and then I think of something else, or I see something shiny, or I hear Katy Perry on the radio, then I forget all about it. Hopefully this will be the case right now. I'll just continue to pray about it and maybe cram a bunch of family guy in my noggin before I fall asleep.
I've started reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. You know, that's the guy who is being called a heretic for writing that book by a bunch of people who haven't even read the book. Christian people can be so bogus sometimes, myself included. I've only gotten through the first couple of chapters, but it's already stretched me with all the questions it has raised.
I'm glad I'm reading it because it's forcing me to develop my beliefs about God and salvation and it's helping me become more sure of what I believe and why I believe it. It's also been a nice distraction. I need as many distractions as I can get right now.
So anyway, I'm somewhat in a rut right now. My heart is heavy, my soul is restless, but God loves me. I trust God and his perfect provision. He's blessed me with so much right now so I can get through this dark time. He will never leave me or forsake me. God has given me a joy that withstands the most difficult of trials, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and an attention span that lasts as long as an A-list celebrity marriage.
Psalm 32:7
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
I've been so blessed to have people in my life. I praise God for the awesome community He has provided for me. If it weren't for my friends like Laura, Ashley, Lara, Jacob, the entire college bible study group, and my youth Pastor Weston, I would be in a much darker place than I was 3 weeks ago.
God has provided me with so much that I just cannot fathom His love for me. God has given me a community of new and old friends, a year of paid college tuition, financial aid to pay for textbooks, an awesome job at Goodwill, a grandmother who believes in me and my musical abilities enough to buy me a $400 keyboard, the wisdom to realize that my relationship with Christ is not where it should be, and a stronger heart to cope with these trials I face.
I'm listing these blessings because right now, I miss my ex so much. I've come to the point of almost texting him but erasing it before I could send it. I've prayed for God to be my strength, because I have none left.
Sometimes, it's nice having ADHD because one minute I feel depressed and lonely, and then I think of something else, or I see something shiny, or I hear Katy Perry on the radio, then I forget all about it. Hopefully this will be the case right now. I'll just continue to pray about it and maybe cram a bunch of family guy in my noggin before I fall asleep.
I've started reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. You know, that's the guy who is being called a heretic for writing that book by a bunch of people who haven't even read the book. Christian people can be so bogus sometimes, myself included. I've only gotten through the first couple of chapters, but it's already stretched me with all the questions it has raised.
I'm glad I'm reading it because it's forcing me to develop my beliefs about God and salvation and it's helping me become more sure of what I believe and why I believe it. It's also been a nice distraction. I need as many distractions as I can get right now.
So anyway, I'm somewhat in a rut right now. My heart is heavy, my soul is restless, but God loves me. I trust God and his perfect provision. He's blessed me with so much right now so I can get through this dark time. He will never leave me or forsake me. God has given me a joy that withstands the most difficult of trials, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and an attention span that lasts as long as an A-list celebrity marriage.
Psalm 32:7
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I'm such a girl
Old wounds have been ripped open. The past couple of days have been awesome, but right now, someone has been jabbing me about breaking my ex's heart and it hurts. I never wanted to break up with him, but you know, God was not the
number one priority in my life and I was far from Him. I struggled with
so many temptations and I just couldn't handle it on my own. God's will for my life is to place my identity in Him and not in another man.
So, this person kept asking my why I broke up with him, and told me how heart broken he is, and how sad he is and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a super b-word. It got me to thinking about him and missing him. Man, I miss him so much. I just miss being friends with him. I'm so weak. I'm so emotional.
I've prayed for him every day that God would just bless him and that he would fall more in love with God every day. I pray for his next relationship, his future, his career, and his relationship with God. I care about him, so I want pray for him, but it also seems to help my heart heal and reminds me that God is in control. I still hurt though. I pray that God will be my strength as I struggle with this, and that He will give me patience to learn to be satisfied in Him.
I get so frustrated with myself for not being satisfied in God. I'm trying so hard to just draw near to God by praying and reading His word and just surrendering to God in every aspect of my life and doing His will. I'm angry that I'm not where I should be. I'm angry that I just cannot pull myself together. I hate being all emotional and needy, and... well... acting like a girl.
College group was tonight, which was awesome. It was led by the new youth and worship pastor at the Nazarene church. She's 22 and amazing! We talked about faith without deeds. I mentioned to everyone that God has been placing on my heart to put my entire paycheck into the offering next Sunday.
God has given me so much, a whole year of college tuition paid for, and financial aid, a new keyboard, and blessing upon blessing, and I need to at least give what I can back to Him. So that's what is on the agenda for this week! My next paycheck is going into the offering. I've been fighting with God about it for a while so it helps to get the word out so others will hold me accountable on this. It's going to hurt, but God deserves everything I have so it's worth it.
I also got to hang out with my favorite ginger and Laura. We went to applebees and saw Rock of Ages. I heart musicals, and I heart Rock of Ages. Oh my goodness there was soo much singing in the theater! It was mostly coming from me, but I didn't care! It's been so nice to finally know what a community feels like and have a steady group of friends who love me and whom I can count on and hold me accountable.
Like I said, I'm kind of hurting right now, but God is good. His love endures forever, and I will not give in to the temptation to text so and so right now. I'm just going to dig into the word some more, pray, and maybe listen to a podcast. Even though I'm drop-dead tired.
God is working my pain out for my good. I trust that He will bring beauty from my pain. I love God so much, and even in my broken state, I will praise His glorious name because God is worthy to be praised, especially when it's hard to do so. So, glory to God forever!
2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
So, this person kept asking my why I broke up with him, and told me how heart broken he is, and how sad he is and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a super b-word. It got me to thinking about him and missing him. Man, I miss him so much. I just miss being friends with him. I'm so weak. I'm so emotional.
I've prayed for him every day that God would just bless him and that he would fall more in love with God every day. I pray for his next relationship, his future, his career, and his relationship with God. I care about him, so I want pray for him, but it also seems to help my heart heal and reminds me that God is in control. I still hurt though. I pray that God will be my strength as I struggle with this, and that He will give me patience to learn to be satisfied in Him.
I get so frustrated with myself for not being satisfied in God. I'm trying so hard to just draw near to God by praying and reading His word and just surrendering to God in every aspect of my life and doing His will. I'm angry that I'm not where I should be. I'm angry that I just cannot pull myself together. I hate being all emotional and needy, and... well... acting like a girl.
College group was tonight, which was awesome. It was led by the new youth and worship pastor at the Nazarene church. She's 22 and amazing! We talked about faith without deeds. I mentioned to everyone that God has been placing on my heart to put my entire paycheck into the offering next Sunday.
God has given me so much, a whole year of college tuition paid for, and financial aid, a new keyboard, and blessing upon blessing, and I need to at least give what I can back to Him. So that's what is on the agenda for this week! My next paycheck is going into the offering. I've been fighting with God about it for a while so it helps to get the word out so others will hold me accountable on this. It's going to hurt, but God deserves everything I have so it's worth it.
I also got to hang out with my favorite ginger and Laura. We went to applebees and saw Rock of Ages. I heart musicals, and I heart Rock of Ages. Oh my goodness there was soo much singing in the theater! It was mostly coming from me, but I didn't care! It's been so nice to finally know what a community feels like and have a steady group of friends who love me and whom I can count on and hold me accountable.
Like I said, I'm kind of hurting right now, but God is good. His love endures forever, and I will not give in to the temptation to text so and so right now. I'm just going to dig into the word some more, pray, and maybe listen to a podcast. Even though I'm drop-dead tired.
God is working my pain out for my good. I trust that He will bring beauty from my pain. I love God so much, and even in my broken state, I will praise His glorious name because God is worthy to be praised, especially when it's hard to do so. So, glory to God forever!
2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
Epic weekend-ness
I apologize for the lack of post yesterday. I was super busy. So yesterday! Let's talk about that shall we? Yesterday I worked! I also got to hang out with my crazy beautiful amazing friend, Laura. We went to a coffee shop and talked for hours. She wanted to know my story, my faith story. She pretty much asked me right off the bat which was new for me, you know, to have someone interested in my faith story.
So I shared everything. From growing up in a christian home, being the child of a missionary and pastor, my depression and cutting in middle school, struggling with something else I'm too ashamed to admit that I've actually only told one other person, my insecurity and loneliness in high school, my anorexia and bulimia in high school, bitterness toward God after my rejection to the one college I thought I was destined to attend, my faith changing surgeries, new found devotion to God, feeling called to work in youth and worship ministry, the spiritual growth those trials brought me, my parents' separation, my extreme depression during that, my best friend who carried me through it all, our dating relationship, struggles with purity, then the break up which brings me to my current growth in Christ.
Then she told me her story and I could just hear her passion for Christ in every word. She's been through the wringer, and God has redeemed her. I absolutely adored every minute we spent together. Then we went to applebees and chatted some more about Christianity, getting over relationships, relying on God, baptism, life, faith, love, and men who are so attractive that I go cross-eyed just looking at them.
We goofed around at walmart and waited for another beautiful friend to finish work so we could celebrate her new career as a social worker! We went to steak n shake and slurped down ice creamy goodness and tried to be somewhat civil in public, despite our late night fatigue that had turned us all into goofy, hot-messes. The entire day was a blessing for me to just be able to unload everything on my heart and have someone else who is living out their faith understand exactly what I'm going through. God is really taking care of me.
Then today I worked. At work, I sorted and hung clothing and talked with a dude my age about... religion. It was definitely an exciting opportunity for me to be open and up front about my faith. I shared why I believe what I believe and some of my faith story with him. He was completely cool about it and we just got to know each other better. No arguing about religion or any heated discussion involved. Just God giving me the opportunity to live out my faith in every aspect of my life. I then invited him to church and told him he should check out any church at least once. He said he was definitely open to it. So yay for God!
I'm now going to start praying for him every day, that God would open up his heart toward Christ, deepen our friendship with one another so it can give me the opportunity to really witness to him. Usually I'm not the kind of person to step out in faith and share about my beliefs and relationship with God with someone I barely know. I do my best to avoid confrontation and usually religion is at the root of many confrontations, but today I was filled with God's peace that surpasses all understanding. I just relied on God to give me the words to say, since I can be a bumbling idiot sometimes and God definitely provided. So today was a huge personal victory for me. God definitely led the way though.
I came home on cloud nine. I did my devotions, knelt down and prayed, and got ready to go to the Peoria Chiefs game with my friend Lara and her family. I spent time with her and her brother and other students from the church. (You know, after spending time with high schoolers at Soul Survivor and at the game tonight, I realized how much I miss being in high school ministry. I may never get to do that at my church again, but I'm thinking about volunteering at the Nazarene church in the fall.) Anyway, as soon as Lara and I walk through the gates of the stadium, some worker stops us and asks us if we want to participate in a game between innings. We said, uh... yeah!! So we got to play musical chairs, except the chairs were giant exercise balls. We didn't win... bummer. But we had soo much fun!
After the game, came the fireworks. They were uhhhmazing! Some christian songs played as the fireworks went off, and I just had an amazing moment of just worshiping God and His awesomeness before this gorgeous fireworks display. Then Josh Wilson played a concert after the fireworks. I got to do some more amazing worshiping to his awesome music. The night, no, this entire weekend was just hands down epic. God's hand was in my entire weekend, and I just love Him so so much.
I actually have to sing in church tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed. I just thought I'd give you a heads up on the past couple of days. Another epic weekend, full of undeserved blessing for Erin Darling. God is awesome. He has given me so much more than I deserve. I am just in awe of God's love and provision in my life. His love endures forever... and ever... and ever!!!! Nighty night world!
So I shared everything. From growing up in a christian home, being the child of a missionary and pastor, my depression and cutting in middle school, struggling with something else I'm too ashamed to admit that I've actually only told one other person, my insecurity and loneliness in high school, my anorexia and bulimia in high school, bitterness toward God after my rejection to the one college I thought I was destined to attend, my faith changing surgeries, new found devotion to God, feeling called to work in youth and worship ministry, the spiritual growth those trials brought me, my parents' separation, my extreme depression during that, my best friend who carried me through it all, our dating relationship, struggles with purity, then the break up which brings me to my current growth in Christ.
Then she told me her story and I could just hear her passion for Christ in every word. She's been through the wringer, and God has redeemed her. I absolutely adored every minute we spent together. Then we went to applebees and chatted some more about Christianity, getting over relationships, relying on God, baptism, life, faith, love, and men who are so attractive that I go cross-eyed just looking at them.
We goofed around at walmart and waited for another beautiful friend to finish work so we could celebrate her new career as a social worker! We went to steak n shake and slurped down ice creamy goodness and tried to be somewhat civil in public, despite our late night fatigue that had turned us all into goofy, hot-messes. The entire day was a blessing for me to just be able to unload everything on my heart and have someone else who is living out their faith understand exactly what I'm going through. God is really taking care of me.
Then today I worked. At work, I sorted and hung clothing and talked with a dude my age about... religion. It was definitely an exciting opportunity for me to be open and up front about my faith. I shared why I believe what I believe and some of my faith story with him. He was completely cool about it and we just got to know each other better. No arguing about religion or any heated discussion involved. Just God giving me the opportunity to live out my faith in every aspect of my life. I then invited him to church and told him he should check out any church at least once. He said he was definitely open to it. So yay for God!
I'm now going to start praying for him every day, that God would open up his heart toward Christ, deepen our friendship with one another so it can give me the opportunity to really witness to him. Usually I'm not the kind of person to step out in faith and share about my beliefs and relationship with God with someone I barely know. I do my best to avoid confrontation and usually religion is at the root of many confrontations, but today I was filled with God's peace that surpasses all understanding. I just relied on God to give me the words to say, since I can be a bumbling idiot sometimes and God definitely provided. So today was a huge personal victory for me. God definitely led the way though.
I came home on cloud nine. I did my devotions, knelt down and prayed, and got ready to go to the Peoria Chiefs game with my friend Lara and her family. I spent time with her and her brother and other students from the church. (You know, after spending time with high schoolers at Soul Survivor and at the game tonight, I realized how much I miss being in high school ministry. I may never get to do that at my church again, but I'm thinking about volunteering at the Nazarene church in the fall.) Anyway, as soon as Lara and I walk through the gates of the stadium, some worker stops us and asks us if we want to participate in a game between innings. We said, uh... yeah!! So we got to play musical chairs, except the chairs were giant exercise balls. We didn't win... bummer. But we had soo much fun!
After the game, came the fireworks. They were uhhhmazing! Some christian songs played as the fireworks went off, and I just had an amazing moment of just worshiping God and His awesomeness before this gorgeous fireworks display. Then Josh Wilson played a concert after the fireworks. I got to do some more amazing worshiping to his awesome music. The night, no, this entire weekend was just hands down epic. God's hand was in my entire weekend, and I just love Him so so much.
I actually have to sing in church tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed. I just thought I'd give you a heads up on the past couple of days. Another epic weekend, full of undeserved blessing for Erin Darling. God is awesome. He has given me so much more than I deserve. I am just in awe of God's love and provision in my life. His love endures forever... and ever... and ever!!!! Nighty night world!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Butt-naked
Reading through Proverbs has really stretched me. Why? Because I am a fool. I love to say foolish things and be ridiculous to make people laugh. It's a part of who I am. But... Proverbs states over and over again that people need to avoid fools in their folly.
Being the funny person in and of itself is not always a bad thing. Laughter can be the best medicine. I'm not saying that who I am is wrong and sinful. I'm saying that playing the fool has become my idol. I can always count on my humor to control an environment. It makes me feel secure in who I am. That is what is so dangerous.
I am counting on my humor to save me more than my God. I have placed my identity in my humor. I've always hated reading through Proverbs but never understood why until I realized that. God wants to rebuild me to become more like Christ. I realize now that my commitment to God means becoming less like funny, confident little Erin Darling, and more like Jesus Christ.
I've been extremely stubborn in this area of my life. I want to keep most of who I am and follow Christ. But I cannot grab onto Jesus unless I first throw away everything else I'm carrying. God wants my devotion, and right now God is asking me to empty myself so I can be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is a scary thing for me. Who would I be without my humor? I don't know. But I do know who I am in Christ.
So I am going for it. I don't know how, but I'm going to get rid of myself. Maybe that means not talking for a day... because let's face it, the moment I start to speak is the moment I will slip up. Please pray for me as I begin the process of placing my identity in Christ alone instead of my humor.
I was reading Isaiah and this chapter made me laugh, but it is also a great illustration of what I need to do in my life in order to commit myself to God...
Isaiah 20
1 In the year that the supreme commander, sent by Sargon king of Assyria, came to Ashdod and attacked and captured it—
2 at that time the Lord spoke through Isaiah son of Amoz. He said to him, “Take off the sackcloth from your body and the sandals from your feet.” And he did so, going around stripped and barefoot. 3 Then the Lord said, “Just as my servant Isaiah has gone stripped and barefoot for three years, as a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush,4 so the king of Assyria will lead away stripped and barefoot the Egyptian captives and Cushite exiles, young and old, with buttocks bared—to Egypt's shame.5 Those who trusted in Cush and boasted in Egypt will be afraid and put to shame.
6 In that day the people who live on this coast will say, ‘See what has happened to those we relied on, those we fled to for help and deliverance from the king of Assyria! How then can we escape?’ ”
I need to strip down and get barefoot. I need to throw off everything that is hindering me in my relationship with God. Sure it's going to be hard to let go of the one thing that is my identity, the thing that defines me, or the thing I rely on to feel loved and important and human. It's going to feel as uncomfortable as getting naked and barefoot and walking around in public like the prophet Isaiah did.
I am determined to follow God. I will get naked for Jesus! ...Okay, see, there's a prime example of my foolishness. I immediately regretted typing that, but I'm going to leave it in so you know the severity of my identity issues.
Tonight, I pray for the obedience of Isaiah. He got nude for God, and I want an obedience like that. I pray that I can strip off everything about myself, so I can be more like Christ.
Here are a couple other verses that have resonated within my heart that don't involve nudity.
Psalm 44:26
Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of your unfailing love.
Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Being the funny person in and of itself is not always a bad thing. Laughter can be the best medicine. I'm not saying that who I am is wrong and sinful. I'm saying that playing the fool has become my idol. I can always count on my humor to control an environment. It makes me feel secure in who I am. That is what is so dangerous.
I am counting on my humor to save me more than my God. I have placed my identity in my humor. I've always hated reading through Proverbs but never understood why until I realized that. God wants to rebuild me to become more like Christ. I realize now that my commitment to God means becoming less like funny, confident little Erin Darling, and more like Jesus Christ.
I've been extremely stubborn in this area of my life. I want to keep most of who I am and follow Christ. But I cannot grab onto Jesus unless I first throw away everything else I'm carrying. God wants my devotion, and right now God is asking me to empty myself so I can be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is a scary thing for me. Who would I be without my humor? I don't know. But I do know who I am in Christ.
So I am going for it. I don't know how, but I'm going to get rid of myself. Maybe that means not talking for a day... because let's face it, the moment I start to speak is the moment I will slip up. Please pray for me as I begin the process of placing my identity in Christ alone instead of my humor.
I was reading Isaiah and this chapter made me laugh, but it is also a great illustration of what I need to do in my life in order to commit myself to God...
Isaiah 20
1 In the year that the supreme commander, sent by Sargon king of Assyria, came to Ashdod and attacked and captured it—
2 at that time the Lord spoke through Isaiah son of Amoz. He said to him, “Take off the sackcloth from your body and the sandals from your feet.” And he did so, going around stripped and barefoot. 3 Then the Lord said, “Just as my servant Isaiah has gone stripped and barefoot for three years, as a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush,4 so the king of Assyria will lead away stripped and barefoot the Egyptian captives and Cushite exiles, young and old, with buttocks bared—to Egypt's shame.5 Those who trusted in Cush and boasted in Egypt will be afraid and put to shame.
6 In that day the people who live on this coast will say, ‘See what has happened to those we relied on, those we fled to for help and deliverance from the king of Assyria! How then can we escape?’ ”
I need to strip down and get barefoot. I need to throw off everything that is hindering me in my relationship with God. Sure it's going to be hard to let go of the one thing that is my identity, the thing that defines me, or the thing I rely on to feel loved and important and human. It's going to feel as uncomfortable as getting naked and barefoot and walking around in public like the prophet Isaiah did.
I am determined to follow God. I will get naked for Jesus! ...Okay, see, there's a prime example of my foolishness. I immediately regretted typing that, but I'm going to leave it in so you know the severity of my identity issues.
Tonight, I pray for the obedience of Isaiah. He got nude for God, and I want an obedience like that. I pray that I can strip off everything about myself, so I can be more like Christ.
Here are a couple other verses that have resonated within my heart that don't involve nudity.
Psalm 44:26
Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of your unfailing love.
Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
I look like Cyndi Lauper... or maybe a bit like Hayley Williams from Paramore... I redyed it red with a friend, and then I got this crazy idea to put some streaks in it. I was going to do blue, so I bleached it first, but I like what the bleach did to my hair, so I'm going to keep it. This different phase of my life deserves different hair. (That's how I justify the impulsive decision to streak my hair.)
I'm super tired, and I want to get to some prayer and tylenol before bed so um... nothing profound for today. Just a goofy pic of me trying to look like Cyndi Lauper.... but this is me without any makeup on whatsoever, verses Cyndi Lauper... wearing more eye makeup than an ugly transvestite on a Friday night...
I'm super tired, and I want to get to some prayer and tylenol before bed so um... nothing profound for today. Just a goofy pic of me trying to look like Cyndi Lauper.... but this is me without any makeup on whatsoever, verses Cyndi Lauper... wearing more eye makeup than an ugly transvestite on a Friday night...
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
His love endures forever
I just finished my time alone with God. I'm still reading through Psalm, Proverbs, and Isaiah right now. I've started something new in my time with God also. After I am done reading the bible, I go to the side of my bed, get down on my knees, and kneel before God in prayer. "Reacquaint my knees with the carpet." (As Brooke Fraser so succinctly stated in her song Lifeline. Although, my room has no carpet... just cement, because I'm still living in my parents' basement.)
I say this not because I want applause or praise... I could care less whether you think I'm crazy or cool for kneeling in prayer. I say this because I need a physical reminder of my lowliness before God. I kneel to remember that I am talking to a King. The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Kneeling on the cold floor humbles me, because when I'm before God, it's where I should be. I deserve nothing more than the ground before the presence of the Almighty God.
My bible reading has become a habit now but I forget sometimes to go to God in prayer. Time alone with God consists of hearing from God through reading His word, and responding to God in prayer. It is now day two of my adventures in kneeling. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, or not... because there's not much else to say about it really. It's pretty straightforward, so maybe I'll just leave it at that.
I am doing a ton of bible reading right now, and I wish I could talk about every single passage that jumped out at me, but I'm sure you, my dear reader, have a life. So I'll just pick one, even though it's like choosing one favorite Johnny Depp movie out of every single movie ever... because, let's face it, what movie hasn't Johnny Depp been in?! Seriously!
Okay so I am going to cheat and focus on the entire chapter of Psalm 136. (Yeah that's right. I just cheated at my own game.) Somewhere in every single verse in Psalm 136 says "His love endures forever." Psalm 136 has 26 verses, so let me get my calculator and to find out how many times the writer wrote that. I was never very good at math, but I'm decent enough to count... so 26 times! This obviously must have been very important for the writer to put that in 26 times.
Psalm 136:22-26
an inheritance to his servant Israel; His love endures forever. To the One who remembered us in our low estate His love endures forever. and freed us from our enemies, His love endures forever. and who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.
What I gleaned from this passage is what God has brought me through in my life. Earlier, the chapter mentions the Isrealites brought out of Egypt. (I also read more about that in Isaiah.) But I realized that I cannot forget where I've been. How awful my life used to be before God. I cannot forget what He has carried me through. Like depression, cutting, bulimia, years of limping around with deformed hips, and 7 surgeries in one year. His love for me endured all of that. God has delivered me through so much! He has worked out all of these seemingly awful trials for my good.
I can not and should not forget this because it will remind me that God will continue to deliver me from my current trials: my parents' getting divorced, breaking up with my boyfriend, constant insecurity and self loathing. God has blessed me and loved me in the past and He will not stop now, because His love endures forever.
Then I dissected the actual phrase "His love endures forever." That is a serious love, guys. This love is bigger than any love any human could ever experience with another human. I thought of my relationship with my ex and how many times I broke his heart and as a result, broken my relationship with him. Then I thought of how many more times I have broken God's heart, but His love endures forever. God's love not only endures forever, but God's love endures everything! He has loved me at my worst moments, when I loved rejecting Him for something else.
Sadly, there have been times where I told God I hated Him. God still loves me. I have exchanged God for worthless idols like boys, applause, approval of friends, entertainment, money, and security. I've sinned against God so much that sometimes I don't even know it. I may sin and think that I'm perfectly justified for it. (Proverbs 16:2 "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.") But God still loves me. He has even placed these sins as far as the east is from the west.
I could sing of God's love forever, but I won't right now because I'm in my room and it's 11:08 and I need to go to bed soon and if I sing of God's love, you can bet your sweet boots that it's going to be some loud singing, so for the sake of my neighbors, I will wait for the opportune moment... and since I just quoted from Pirates of the Caribbean, I kind of want to go watch it now. Oh Johnny Depp, you are my hero.
Okay, it's really time to go. I'm just spitting out nonsense now. I will leave you with one more awesome verse, from Isaiah. I looove it because it's beautifully worded. It paints a beautiful picture of God's patience. (If I ever write a good song, I will definitely incorporate this verse into the lyrics.)
Isaiah 18:4
This is what the Lord says to me:
“I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place,
like shimmering heat in the sunshine,
like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.”
I say this not because I want applause or praise... I could care less whether you think I'm crazy or cool for kneeling in prayer. I say this because I need a physical reminder of my lowliness before God. I kneel to remember that I am talking to a King. The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Kneeling on the cold floor humbles me, because when I'm before God, it's where I should be. I deserve nothing more than the ground before the presence of the Almighty God.
My bible reading has become a habit now but I forget sometimes to go to God in prayer. Time alone with God consists of hearing from God through reading His word, and responding to God in prayer. It is now day two of my adventures in kneeling. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, or not... because there's not much else to say about it really. It's pretty straightforward, so maybe I'll just leave it at that.
I am doing a ton of bible reading right now, and I wish I could talk about every single passage that jumped out at me, but I'm sure you, my dear reader, have a life. So I'll just pick one, even though it's like choosing one favorite Johnny Depp movie out of every single movie ever... because, let's face it, what movie hasn't Johnny Depp been in?! Seriously!
Okay so I am going to cheat and focus on the entire chapter of Psalm 136. (Yeah that's right. I just cheated at my own game.) Somewhere in every single verse in Psalm 136 says "His love endures forever." Psalm 136 has 26 verses, so let me get my calculator and to find out how many times the writer wrote that. I was never very good at math, but I'm decent enough to count... so 26 times! This obviously must have been very important for the writer to put that in 26 times.
Psalm 136:22-26
an inheritance to his servant Israel; His love endures forever. To the One who remembered us in our low estate His love endures forever. and freed us from our enemies, His love endures forever. and who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.
What I gleaned from this passage is what God has brought me through in my life. Earlier, the chapter mentions the Isrealites brought out of Egypt. (I also read more about that in Isaiah.) But I realized that I cannot forget where I've been. How awful my life used to be before God. I cannot forget what He has carried me through. Like depression, cutting, bulimia, years of limping around with deformed hips, and 7 surgeries in one year. His love for me endured all of that. God has delivered me through so much! He has worked out all of these seemingly awful trials for my good.
I can not and should not forget this because it will remind me that God will continue to deliver me from my current trials: my parents' getting divorced, breaking up with my boyfriend, constant insecurity and self loathing. God has blessed me and loved me in the past and He will not stop now, because His love endures forever.
Then I dissected the actual phrase "His love endures forever." That is a serious love, guys. This love is bigger than any love any human could ever experience with another human. I thought of my relationship with my ex and how many times I broke his heart and as a result, broken my relationship with him. Then I thought of how many more times I have broken God's heart, but His love endures forever. God's love not only endures forever, but God's love endures everything! He has loved me at my worst moments, when I loved rejecting Him for something else.
Sadly, there have been times where I told God I hated Him. God still loves me. I have exchanged God for worthless idols like boys, applause, approval of friends, entertainment, money, and security. I've sinned against God so much that sometimes I don't even know it. I may sin and think that I'm perfectly justified for it. (Proverbs 16:2 "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.") But God still loves me. He has even placed these sins as far as the east is from the west.
I could sing of God's love forever, but I won't right now because I'm in my room and it's 11:08 and I need to go to bed soon and if I sing of God's love, you can bet your sweet boots that it's going to be some loud singing, so for the sake of my neighbors, I will wait for the opportune moment... and since I just quoted from Pirates of the Caribbean, I kind of want to go watch it now. Oh Johnny Depp, you are my hero.
Okay, it's really time to go. I'm just spitting out nonsense now. I will leave you with one more awesome verse, from Isaiah. I looove it because it's beautifully worded. It paints a beautiful picture of God's patience. (If I ever write a good song, I will definitely incorporate this verse into the lyrics.)
Isaiah 18:4
This is what the Lord says to me:
“I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place,
like shimmering heat in the sunshine,
like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.”
Monday, June 18, 2012
Almost beautiful
Today was perfect. I'm just in a euphoric state right now. God has blessed me beyond my capacity to receive blessing. Holy moses. Let's begin with this morning, shall we? Let's start at the beginning, a very good place to start... Sound of Music reference, anyone? The song Do Re Mi? Anybody? No? Okay moving on.
I decided to go to the Nazarene church this morning since I didn't have to sing on worship team and since it was Jacob's last Sunday in Galesburg. (sniffle) The worship... was... GLORIOUS! So different than how we worship at Bethel! People were definitely rockin out to some epic Jesus music. I could dance (even more so than I do at Bethel) and not stand out in the crowd because everyone else was doing it too. I got to praise God with my entire being and it was glorious.
Then I went to pizza hut for lunch and hung out more with the naz people. It was such a blessing to be surrounded by peers and Godly men and women just chillin and eatin pizza. It's not something I get to do very often, surprisingly.
Then some of the girls decided to go paddle boating at lake storey and I was invited with them. My favorite ginger brought her ukelele and we paddled and sang to our hearts content out on the lake. It was weird to have high school students and peers genuinely want to hang around me. They all really care about me. I asked God for a friend, and He just floods me with a church full of them!
Then I ventured to the college group bible study. (Held at the same place as Soul Survivor.) We discussed John 2. The chapter about judgement. The chapter with one of the verses that slapped me in the face with conviction when I first read it. "Mercy triumphs over judgement." So I talked a lot during that discussion because that verse has had such an impact on my life. Let's face it, I talk a lot period. I guess I've come to terms with that now. I think having ADHD and excessive talking go hand in hand, like 4am and taco bell, like bacon and more bacon, like music and everything, like peanut butter and ladies. (Just kidding, I had to throw that quote from Talladega Nights in there.)
Then we went to the pond to go swimming. I sat on the dock because I'm a huge weenie. I hate water. I mean, I can stand in the shallow end of a pool, but I panic when I have to swim in the deep end. I know how to swim, it's just... okay yeah, I'm just a huge weenie. Let's just leave it at that.
I got to chat it up with my friends about my life. Someone asked about my scar, so I told her about the hip surgeries. Then we talked about school, what I was planning to do with my life. I mentioned wanting to transfer to Hillsong College, but told her I was trying to be realistic about it and it was more of a dream than anything. And she and the others around me encouraged me to go for it. To have someone who didn't know me very well encourage me and believe in me to follow that dream was... well, new. I've never had anyone say that to me before. It was awesome and a blessing to have that kind of interaction. I genuinely felt like everyone cared about me.
I walked back up with my friend Laura. She and I chatted about the frustrations of having a disability. She has palsy, and walks with a limp. Laura is a beautiful woman of God. I love her to death. So anyway, we chatted about the annoyances of having people worry about you so much and being overprotective of you when you struggle with walking. We talked about the hatred of the "pity stares" from people as they watch us limp. We bonded on so many different levels this weekend and as we climbed up the hill to get back to the house, we shared our struggles and triumphs. We got to the top of the hill, and I did a Rocky Balboa dance, sang the song, and shuffled around, punching the air like a doofus because I felt like we had conquered more than just that ridiculously steep hill together.
Not once this entire weekend, did I feel alone or ugly... quite the opposite. I felt loved, and... not as ugly on the inside anymore, almost beautiful even. I mean, if I was such a horrible person with such an ugly personality, why would I have gotten along with so many new people and made a bunch of new friends over the course of 2 days?
I still felt minor stabs of insecurity, but nothing even close to what I usually feel. God is taking care of me. I have been praising Him for every second of this perfect weekend. I give God the glory for it all.
The drive home consisted of Gungor blasting through my crappy stereo speakers, windows all the way down, driving 70...ish... just singing my heart out and praising God for everything. "You make me new, you are making me new."
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
I decided to go to the Nazarene church this morning since I didn't have to sing on worship team and since it was Jacob's last Sunday in Galesburg. (sniffle) The worship... was... GLORIOUS! So different than how we worship at Bethel! People were definitely rockin out to some epic Jesus music. I could dance (even more so than I do at Bethel) and not stand out in the crowd because everyone else was doing it too. I got to praise God with my entire being and it was glorious.
Then I went to pizza hut for lunch and hung out more with the naz people. It was such a blessing to be surrounded by peers and Godly men and women just chillin and eatin pizza. It's not something I get to do very often, surprisingly.
Then some of the girls decided to go paddle boating at lake storey and I was invited with them. My favorite ginger brought her ukelele and we paddled and sang to our hearts content out on the lake. It was weird to have high school students and peers genuinely want to hang around me. They all really care about me. I asked God for a friend, and He just floods me with a church full of them!
Then I ventured to the college group bible study. (Held at the same place as Soul Survivor.) We discussed John 2. The chapter about judgement. The chapter with one of the verses that slapped me in the face with conviction when I first read it. "Mercy triumphs over judgement." So I talked a lot during that discussion because that verse has had such an impact on my life. Let's face it, I talk a lot period. I guess I've come to terms with that now. I think having ADHD and excessive talking go hand in hand, like 4am and taco bell, like bacon and more bacon, like music and everything, like peanut butter and ladies. (Just kidding, I had to throw that quote from Talladega Nights in there.)
Then we went to the pond to go swimming. I sat on the dock because I'm a huge weenie. I hate water. I mean, I can stand in the shallow end of a pool, but I panic when I have to swim in the deep end. I know how to swim, it's just... okay yeah, I'm just a huge weenie. Let's just leave it at that.
I got to chat it up with my friends about my life. Someone asked about my scar, so I told her about the hip surgeries. Then we talked about school, what I was planning to do with my life. I mentioned wanting to transfer to Hillsong College, but told her I was trying to be realistic about it and it was more of a dream than anything. And she and the others around me encouraged me to go for it. To have someone who didn't know me very well encourage me and believe in me to follow that dream was... well, new. I've never had anyone say that to me before. It was awesome and a blessing to have that kind of interaction. I genuinely felt like everyone cared about me.
I walked back up with my friend Laura. She and I chatted about the frustrations of having a disability. She has palsy, and walks with a limp. Laura is a beautiful woman of God. I love her to death. So anyway, we chatted about the annoyances of having people worry about you so much and being overprotective of you when you struggle with walking. We talked about the hatred of the "pity stares" from people as they watch us limp. We bonded on so many different levels this weekend and as we climbed up the hill to get back to the house, we shared our struggles and triumphs. We got to the top of the hill, and I did a Rocky Balboa dance, sang the song, and shuffled around, punching the air like a doofus because I felt like we had conquered more than just that ridiculously steep hill together.
Not once this entire weekend, did I feel alone or ugly... quite the opposite. I felt loved, and... not as ugly on the inside anymore, almost beautiful even. I mean, if I was such a horrible person with such an ugly personality, why would I have gotten along with so many new people and made a bunch of new friends over the course of 2 days?
I still felt minor stabs of insecurity, but nothing even close to what I usually feel. God is taking care of me. I have been praising Him for every second of this perfect weekend. I give God the glory for it all.
The drive home consisted of Gungor blasting through my crappy stereo speakers, windows all the way down, driving 70...ish... just singing my heart out and praising God for everything. "You make me new, you are making me new."
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Soul Survivor
Soul Survivor. A freakin epic weekend. Neither of those were complete sentences, but wow, I am just so pumped right now! God has blessed me with a jam-packed weekend of serving, mud wrestling (more on that later), new found friendships, and awesome time to fellowship and glorify Him together.
I left Friday evening right after work, and did not know what to expect at all. After a stressful drive there, I was a little nervous and anxious about what I was about to face. I got there and all of the students were playing these epic games that one would play, like on Survivor or whatever. They were hanging from ropes, problem solving, and it was all very intimidating but exciting at the same time.
I asked the man in charge, Jacob, (awesome bro of God... yeah... I said bro of God) what he needed help with. He pointed me to the kitchen, but they had everything taken care of... so I wandered til I found someone I sort of knew. I ran into a lovely lady, Laura, who attends the college bible study and helped her with the game she was running.
We totally bonded from the start. We have similar outgoing personalities, taste in music, and almost even the same faith story. We are both struggling with a break up... yeah... seriously. God is so good at piecing people's lives together for the purpose of fellowship and comforting. God is good, period.
So all day we hung out and chatted and then she introduced me to some awesome students who accepted me right off the bat. I had never felt so wanted or so loved. Then we had dinner, worshiped and Jacob presented the message. The message was about baggage. The theme was "What is in your backpack?" The passage from the bible was about the prodigal son in Luke 15:11. Jacob talked about the things we hold on to, like guilt, bad relationships, pain, and other things... wow. A shot straight to the heart, courtesy of God. (Shot to the heart! And your to blame, darlin. You give looove a bad name!)
It's so hard to see past my imperfections and guilt and see God's love for me in spite of all that. In my worst moment, God still loves me. Jacob said that Jesus didn't die on the cross so you to hang on to your burdens. I am free from them now. I don't have to let them weigh me down, all I have to do is trust God with them.
So then I hung out some more with a ton of amazing people, singing Relient K, Britney Spears, and various artists, all to an acoustic guitar played by an awesome broster. It was so awesome, by the way, to see so many men of faith step up and serve not only God, but the women too.
I got to participate in a small group and the discussion was led by the awesome broster who played guitar. As we closed in prayer, he asked for a volunteer but made it very clear that he wanted a man to step up and pray and lead the women. It was an epic sight to behold. There are so many times in my life I am disappointed by men who don't step up to pray or lead and leave it to the women... but that's a whole different subject...
Today I woke up at 5:40 am with my awesome bunk mate Laura. The day plugged on with more games in the morning and more worship and another message. More about the prodigal son. Well, actually it was about his brother this time. We talked about what burdens the other brother carried in his backpack. The brother placed his identity in pleasing others and his reputation. So when he realized his runaway, sleazy brother was getting a party for returning home, he was furious. He thought he deserved a party. Then small group discussion ensued and that was wonderful.
God really spoke to me about letting go of my burdens of guilt, self-criticism, and pleasing others. It is so easy to get caught up in what others think of you that it becomes an idol in your life. I love to perform, so obviously I love to please others. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't see any worth in myself, so seeing others laugh at my jokes or react to something I said or did, helps affirm that maybe there is worth in me after all. Since I don't see my worth in myself, I try to please others who see the worth in me, so that I might catch glimpses of what they see. (Pretty profound self analysis, right? It comes from years of practice. No one is better at analyzing myself than me.) I get so addicted to making people laugh that it sometimes becomes offensive, or just draws too much attention to myself. I am glorifying myself, when I could be using my words to glorify God.
Okay, then the afternoon games started. Oh boy. Let me tell you. Mud games. I got to play mud games. There was an obstacle course set up with giant tires sticking out of the ground, and four 2 feet deep water pits. This was all on a giant tarp... covered in mud. The object of the game was to run through the course, jump over the pits and run through the tires to the other side, grab as many items as you can (like basketballs, inner tubes, pool noodles, beach balls) and bring them back. With four other teams going at the same time. I got to play, and I was happier than... well... a pig in mud... pun intended.
I only slipped and fell once or four times, and got into an epic wrestling match with two leaders and a student over random objects for points for my team. I was absolutely COVERED in mud. It was all in my hair, caked on my arms, legs and back, stained in my new swim suit, and even caked in my eyelashes! Oh it was glorious! I had so much stinkin fun!
It was a wonderful distraction from my current burdens. Like, I won't get to see my dad on father's day for the first time ever, and the other same old burdens I've been dealing with.
Overall, God blessed me with just an epicly fun weekend. I grew closer to Him, learned more about my burdens, and got sooooo messy. Now comes the time I start analyzing everything that went on this weekend and second guess myself. It's the part where I forget how much fun I had and start to feel horrible about myself. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to focus on the blessing God has bestowed (what a big fancy word) on me. Here comes the part of my post where I give you a verse that I love! Guess what it is!!!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~My life verse!!!~
I left Friday evening right after work, and did not know what to expect at all. After a stressful drive there, I was a little nervous and anxious about what I was about to face. I got there and all of the students were playing these epic games that one would play, like on Survivor or whatever. They were hanging from ropes, problem solving, and it was all very intimidating but exciting at the same time.
I asked the man in charge, Jacob, (awesome bro of God... yeah... I said bro of God) what he needed help with. He pointed me to the kitchen, but they had everything taken care of... so I wandered til I found someone I sort of knew. I ran into a lovely lady, Laura, who attends the college bible study and helped her with the game she was running.
We totally bonded from the start. We have similar outgoing personalities, taste in music, and almost even the same faith story. We are both struggling with a break up... yeah... seriously. God is so good at piecing people's lives together for the purpose of fellowship and comforting. God is good, period.
So all day we hung out and chatted and then she introduced me to some awesome students who accepted me right off the bat. I had never felt so wanted or so loved. Then we had dinner, worshiped and Jacob presented the message. The message was about baggage. The theme was "What is in your backpack?" The passage from the bible was about the prodigal son in Luke 15:11. Jacob talked about the things we hold on to, like guilt, bad relationships, pain, and other things... wow. A shot straight to the heart, courtesy of God. (Shot to the heart! And your to blame, darlin. You give looove a bad name!)
It's so hard to see past my imperfections and guilt and see God's love for me in spite of all that. In my worst moment, God still loves me. Jacob said that Jesus didn't die on the cross so you to hang on to your burdens. I am free from them now. I don't have to let them weigh me down, all I have to do is trust God with them.
So then I hung out some more with a ton of amazing people, singing Relient K, Britney Spears, and various artists, all to an acoustic guitar played by an awesome broster. It was so awesome, by the way, to see so many men of faith step up and serve not only God, but the women too.
I got to participate in a small group and the discussion was led by the awesome broster who played guitar. As we closed in prayer, he asked for a volunteer but made it very clear that he wanted a man to step up and pray and lead the women. It was an epic sight to behold. There are so many times in my life I am disappointed by men who don't step up to pray or lead and leave it to the women... but that's a whole different subject...
Today I woke up at 5:40 am with my awesome bunk mate Laura. The day plugged on with more games in the morning and more worship and another message. More about the prodigal son. Well, actually it was about his brother this time. We talked about what burdens the other brother carried in his backpack. The brother placed his identity in pleasing others and his reputation. So when he realized his runaway, sleazy brother was getting a party for returning home, he was furious. He thought he deserved a party. Then small group discussion ensued and that was wonderful.
God really spoke to me about letting go of my burdens of guilt, self-criticism, and pleasing others. It is so easy to get caught up in what others think of you that it becomes an idol in your life. I love to perform, so obviously I love to please others. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't see any worth in myself, so seeing others laugh at my jokes or react to something I said or did, helps affirm that maybe there is worth in me after all. Since I don't see my worth in myself, I try to please others who see the worth in me, so that I might catch glimpses of what they see. (Pretty profound self analysis, right? It comes from years of practice. No one is better at analyzing myself than me.) I get so addicted to making people laugh that it sometimes becomes offensive, or just draws too much attention to myself. I am glorifying myself, when I could be using my words to glorify God.
Okay, then the afternoon games started. Oh boy. Let me tell you. Mud games. I got to play mud games. There was an obstacle course set up with giant tires sticking out of the ground, and four 2 feet deep water pits. This was all on a giant tarp... covered in mud. The object of the game was to run through the course, jump over the pits and run through the tires to the other side, grab as many items as you can (like basketballs, inner tubes, pool noodles, beach balls) and bring them back. With four other teams going at the same time. I got to play, and I was happier than... well... a pig in mud... pun intended.
I only slipped and fell once or four times, and got into an epic wrestling match with two leaders and a student over random objects for points for my team. I was absolutely COVERED in mud. It was all in my hair, caked on my arms, legs and back, stained in my new swim suit, and even caked in my eyelashes! Oh it was glorious! I had so much stinkin fun!
It was a wonderful distraction from my current burdens. Like, I won't get to see my dad on father's day for the first time ever, and the other same old burdens I've been dealing with.
Overall, God blessed me with just an epicly fun weekend. I grew closer to Him, learned more about my burdens, and got sooooo messy. Now comes the time I start analyzing everything that went on this weekend and second guess myself. It's the part where I forget how much fun I had and start to feel horrible about myself. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to focus on the blessing God has bestowed (what a big fancy word) on me. Here comes the part of my post where I give you a verse that I love! Guess what it is!!!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~My life verse!!!~
Thursday, June 14, 2012
All my friends are getting married, and I'm just getting older.
I just wanted you to know that I'm single, 21 years old, and I live with my mom... in the basement... yeah. Go ahead and laugh. I know I have become a stereotype. I am well aware. Done laughing? Okay, moving on...
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Workin for the weekend
This weekend is going to be epicly busy. I'm praying for some peace about it. I'm giving God my worries. Here is what tomorrow looks like: voice lesson 10-11, go straight to church to make pizzas for youth band practice at 12-1:30, then straight to work from 2-8. Then on Saturday, I work from 8am-2, I'm heading straight home and packing and driving to Dahinda to help the Nazarene church in an event called Soul Survivor until Saturday. I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but I'm so excited to be serving God in any way I can! So, epicly busy, but definitely worth it! Then Father's day on Sunday! I think I'll get to see my dad!
I'm so blessed. So let's move on to today! Today I worked 8-2 at Goodwill, a job God completely provided for me. I then came home for a bit, then went to church to help my youth pastor with some odd jobs and just hang with him. Then I prepared a lesson for the jr. high bible study, which he asked me today to prepare for. I got to chill with some friends at church and watch the vbs program in full swing... which was amazing! Then I went to the bible study and led a discussion in 1 John 1:1-4.
Only boys showed up, and I think they were all going into 6th grade... that was definitely a new experience for me! I'm pretty comfortable leading jr. high girls in a bible study, but ALL boys?! It was so much fun though. There were a lot of rabbit trails, and, having ADHD, I know how to deal with (more like encourage) rabbit trails. The discussion went well, and my youth pastor was there to help me along when I stumbled.
I was blessed with a random chance to serve others, which is a breath of fresh air amidst the work work work I've been doing. My favorite part of the discussion was when we got to verse 4.
1 John 1:4
We write this to make out joy complete.
A short, seemingly ordinary verse... but with so much behind it. In verses 1-3, John is talking about how he got to experience life with Jesus. Verse 1 says "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched- this we proclaim concerning the Word of life." Obviously when John refers to the Word of life, he is referring to Jesus.
Verse 2: "The life appeared, we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." I love that he refers to Jesus as "The life." It's a snapshot right into the heart of John. John knows and believes Jesus is life. It is so clear that John makes Jesus his life. I love the passion behind John's preaching. John makes no bones about who he serves. He is concerned about sharing with others the life of Jesus.
Verse 3: "We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ." John has such an amazing relationship with Christ, that it is his why he wants to share his experiences with us. Fellowship is all about gathering with friends for the purpose of getting to know each other better, and getting to know God better. We are created for fellowship. We are created to have community with others. We are also created to worship God. Then finally we come to verse 4: "We write this to make our joy complete."
We discussed what brings us joy. For me, the thing that I love to do, the thing that makes me light up and brings me joy is performing. Singing, acting, but mostly making people laugh. I love this because I'm good at it, it is what God created me to do. Then the question was asked, "What would your life be like if your relationship with Jesus brought you the same joy that performing did? (Or whatever brings you joy now?)
I want a relationship like that. I want a relationship like John had. I want the passion for Jesus, and passion for sharing the gospel that John had. As I journey alone through this dark time, I pray for a more passionate relationship with Christ, rivaling that of John's.
Oh and here is a little bit of what I read today in my time alone with God...
Psalm 13
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
It's probably my favorite chapter in Psalm. My favorite verse is verse 2. And I love this because it's exactly where I'm at in my life right now. Every single day I "wrestle with my thoughts." As the chapter progresses, the focus changes from sorrow, torment, and sadness, to verse 5 and 6... "But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." Even in Asaph's (the guy who wrote the book) torment, he praises God, and remembers God's blessings.
No matter how crappy life gets, I will always rejoice in God's salvation. I am free. Even in my darkest times, I am free from the power of sin and death. I am saved. The Lord has been good to me. So no matter how much I wrestle with my thoughts, I pray that I will have a heart of Asaph. I pray for a Psalm 13 heart. God is good. All the time. Even though I don't love, or even like myself. God will always love me more than I can ever fathom. Hallelujah and praise God for such an awesome day.
Wow, what a long blog post! Are you still there?! If so, thanks! And congrats for staying tuned so long. As a token of my appreciation, I leave you with this video... this is what I would love to make a career out of, if I knew I couldn't fail... this woman is hilarious and spot on... just watch...
I'm so blessed. So let's move on to today! Today I worked 8-2 at Goodwill, a job God completely provided for me. I then came home for a bit, then went to church to help my youth pastor with some odd jobs and just hang with him. Then I prepared a lesson for the jr. high bible study, which he asked me today to prepare for. I got to chill with some friends at church and watch the vbs program in full swing... which was amazing! Then I went to the bible study and led a discussion in 1 John 1:1-4.
Only boys showed up, and I think they were all going into 6th grade... that was definitely a new experience for me! I'm pretty comfortable leading jr. high girls in a bible study, but ALL boys?! It was so much fun though. There were a lot of rabbit trails, and, having ADHD, I know how to deal with (more like encourage) rabbit trails. The discussion went well, and my youth pastor was there to help me along when I stumbled.
I was blessed with a random chance to serve others, which is a breath of fresh air amidst the work work work I've been doing. My favorite part of the discussion was when we got to verse 4.
1 John 1:4
We write this to make out joy complete.
A short, seemingly ordinary verse... but with so much behind it. In verses 1-3, John is talking about how he got to experience life with Jesus. Verse 1 says "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched- this we proclaim concerning the Word of life." Obviously when John refers to the Word of life, he is referring to Jesus.
Verse 2: "The life appeared, we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." I love that he refers to Jesus as "The life." It's a snapshot right into the heart of John. John knows and believes Jesus is life. It is so clear that John makes Jesus his life. I love the passion behind John's preaching. John makes no bones about who he serves. He is concerned about sharing with others the life of Jesus.
Verse 3: "We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ." John has such an amazing relationship with Christ, that it is his why he wants to share his experiences with us. Fellowship is all about gathering with friends for the purpose of getting to know each other better, and getting to know God better. We are created for fellowship. We are created to have community with others. We are also created to worship God. Then finally we come to verse 4: "We write this to make our joy complete."
We discussed what brings us joy. For me, the thing that I love to do, the thing that makes me light up and brings me joy is performing. Singing, acting, but mostly making people laugh. I love this because I'm good at it, it is what God created me to do. Then the question was asked, "What would your life be like if your relationship with Jesus brought you the same joy that performing did? (Or whatever brings you joy now?)
I want a relationship like that. I want a relationship like John had. I want the passion for Jesus, and passion for sharing the gospel that John had. As I journey alone through this dark time, I pray for a more passionate relationship with Christ, rivaling that of John's.
Oh and here is a little bit of what I read today in my time alone with God...
Psalm 13
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
It's probably my favorite chapter in Psalm. My favorite verse is verse 2. And I love this because it's exactly where I'm at in my life right now. Every single day I "wrestle with my thoughts." As the chapter progresses, the focus changes from sorrow, torment, and sadness, to verse 5 and 6... "But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." Even in Asaph's (the guy who wrote the book) torment, he praises God, and remembers God's blessings.
No matter how crappy life gets, I will always rejoice in God's salvation. I am free. Even in my darkest times, I am free from the power of sin and death. I am saved. The Lord has been good to me. So no matter how much I wrestle with my thoughts, I pray that I will have a heart of Asaph. I pray for a Psalm 13 heart. God is good. All the time. Even though I don't love, or even like myself. God will always love me more than I can ever fathom. Hallelujah and praise God for such an awesome day.
Wow, what a long blog post! Are you still there?! If so, thanks! And congrats for staying tuned so long. As a token of my appreciation, I leave you with this video... this is what I would love to make a career out of, if I knew I couldn't fail... this woman is hilarious and spot on... just watch...
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Prayer for peace
I'm at a crossroads. My brain is going haywire right now, trying to organize all of my thoughts so I figured I'd start writing them down. I'm missing God's truth in my life right now. I'm being swept away by my feelings and it's kind of scary. It comes down to guarding the heart again.
God, please guard my heart for me. I cannot do it on my own. Be my light so I can see the blessings around me and be satisfied. Even when I am not satisfied, let me be satisfied in you Lord. I need you. I want to be near you. Please bring to light my selfish desires. Help me to see myself as you see me. Help me to stop believing lies and start believing Your perfect truth. I know that you don't make mistakes, so I am not a mistake... so that must mean that I have some worth... but I don't believe it. God, help me to believe it. This is my prayer as of right now... stolen from a song that I sang in choir...
Prayer For Peace
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is discord, unity. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is error, truth. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is sadness, joy. Where there is darkness, light. Oh divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life. Let me sow love, pardon, unity, faith, truth, hope, joy, light. Let these be my gifts. My gifts for peace.
God, I don't want my relationship with you be clouded. I want to spend time with you for the sake of spending time with you. Let my relationship with you be pure. Your will be done in my life, in my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help me bear my burdens like Jesus bore the cross. Grant me humility, mercy, grace, and patience so I may grant it to others. Jesus, it's you that I want. I'm hurting, I'm worrying, I'm selfish. I see something I don't have, and I covet it. I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. God, let me covet you instead. I thank You for your many blessings. I thank You for being patient with me. Let me be a blessing to others so that my focus is turned away from myself. Thank you for providing me with healing. You are amazing. God, you are my Savior. Amen.
Okay. I definitely needed that. I needed to talk to God about this. So where do I go from here? I don't know... Applebees? I'm kind of hungry. But not hungry enough to shell out an exorbitant amount of money for mediocre food.
Well to answer my own question, I guess I don't have to leave... I could dwell at the feet of God in prayer for a while... yeah... I think I'm going to do that. So... until my next post... you stay classy.
God, please guard my heart for me. I cannot do it on my own. Be my light so I can see the blessings around me and be satisfied. Even when I am not satisfied, let me be satisfied in you Lord. I need you. I want to be near you. Please bring to light my selfish desires. Help me to see myself as you see me. Help me to stop believing lies and start believing Your perfect truth. I know that you don't make mistakes, so I am not a mistake... so that must mean that I have some worth... but I don't believe it. God, help me to believe it. This is my prayer as of right now... stolen from a song that I sang in choir...
Prayer For Peace
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is discord, unity. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is error, truth. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is sadness, joy. Where there is darkness, light. Oh divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life. Let me sow love, pardon, unity, faith, truth, hope, joy, light. Let these be my gifts. My gifts for peace.
God, I don't want my relationship with you be clouded. I want to spend time with you for the sake of spending time with you. Let my relationship with you be pure. Your will be done in my life, in my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help me bear my burdens like Jesus bore the cross. Grant me humility, mercy, grace, and patience so I may grant it to others. Jesus, it's you that I want. I'm hurting, I'm worrying, I'm selfish. I see something I don't have, and I covet it. I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. God, let me covet you instead. I thank You for your many blessings. I thank You for being patient with me. Let me be a blessing to others so that my focus is turned away from myself. Thank you for providing me with healing. You are amazing. God, you are my Savior. Amen.
Okay. I definitely needed that. I needed to talk to God about this. So where do I go from here? I don't know... Applebees? I'm kind of hungry. But not hungry enough to shell out an exorbitant amount of money for mediocre food.
Well to answer my own question, I guess I don't have to leave... I could dwell at the feet of God in prayer for a while... yeah... I think I'm going to do that. So... until my next post... you stay classy.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Reality sets in... and apparently so does schizophrenia...
I am so frustrated with myself that I cannot stand it. I am really not guarding my heart. I am seeking God, but my foolish heart is distracted toward my baggage. It's been two weeks. Two lovely weeks full of blessing and desiring God and growth and experiencing God's love. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.
Am I being cryptic enough so that you don't know what I'm talking about? I hope so. I want to be strong on my own... As I typed that, I realized that is just silly. I want to be strong, but I could never be strong on my own. I draw my strength from God, but as of now, I am going into panic mode as soon because reality has hit me again. I am worrying. I am not guarding my heart.
Now is the time where my faith and growth is put to the test. My vacation is over. This is where the rubber meets the road. ...And the cliches end now. I'm trying to walk before I can even stand. Oh crap, okay... now I'm finished with the cliches.
Life is settling back to the way it was and I don't like it. I'm out of my comfort zone. I don't think I'm ready. But it's simply because I'm not trusting God. I am so caught up in what may happen and so caught up in failing that I don't even give God a chance. I am not fully healed. I thought I was... but I'm not. I thought I was okay, but now that things are going back to normal, I realize that I overestimated myself.
The voices in my head tell me I'm an idiot for hoping. Naive for thinking I could be so strong. I'm never going to change. I will always be stuck in my foolish ways, too weak to even try escaping. The voices tell me I'm ugly again. They tell me how stupid I am and that even my greatest asset is nothing, my best quality is completely worthless. I am completely worthless. (These voices are well versed and have had many years to perfect the art of self destruction and torture.)
I want so much to just be in control of these voices and my emotions. I want so much to be strong enough to move on. But as Pastor Kevin Campbell so succinctly stated "God giving us what we want can be a scary thing." What I want right now is not what I need. God is taking me on a journey through my loneliness, through my broken heart, my insecurity, self-loathing, and panic. God is teaching me something right this very second as I struggle with all of this crap. I have faith that this is all for my good.
I trust God and what He says in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that I already posted today but writing what is going on in my brain helps me organize my thoughts and combat the voices and lay it all down before God. If I didn't write this down, my ADHD brain would obsess over it a while, make me even more frustrated, and then just notice something bright and shiny and I forget all about it. (Just poking fun at myself to lighten the mood. But in all actuality, I am actually more distracted by loud noises, rather than shiny objects... LOUD NOISES!!! ...Oh, come on! The set up was perfect!! I had to say it!)
So if you could, please pray for me. Not for my deliverance from this suffering, but perseverance through it all. Please pray that I would stop believing the voices in my head, and that I wouldn't let these trials divert my attention, focus, and adoration from my One True God.
Am I being cryptic enough so that you don't know what I'm talking about? I hope so. I want to be strong on my own... As I typed that, I realized that is just silly. I want to be strong, but I could never be strong on my own. I draw my strength from God, but as of now, I am going into panic mode as soon because reality has hit me again. I am worrying. I am not guarding my heart.
Now is the time where my faith and growth is put to the test. My vacation is over. This is where the rubber meets the road. ...And the cliches end now. I'm trying to walk before I can even stand. Oh crap, okay... now I'm finished with the cliches.
Life is settling back to the way it was and I don't like it. I'm out of my comfort zone. I don't think I'm ready. But it's simply because I'm not trusting God. I am so caught up in what may happen and so caught up in failing that I don't even give God a chance. I am not fully healed. I thought I was... but I'm not. I thought I was okay, but now that things are going back to normal, I realize that I overestimated myself.
The voices in my head tell me I'm an idiot for hoping. Naive for thinking I could be so strong. I'm never going to change. I will always be stuck in my foolish ways, too weak to even try escaping. The voices tell me I'm ugly again. They tell me how stupid I am and that even my greatest asset is nothing, my best quality is completely worthless. I am completely worthless. (These voices are well versed and have had many years to perfect the art of self destruction and torture.)
I want so much to just be in control of these voices and my emotions. I want so much to be strong enough to move on. But as Pastor Kevin Campbell so succinctly stated "God giving us what we want can be a scary thing." What I want right now is not what I need. God is taking me on a journey through my loneliness, through my broken heart, my insecurity, self-loathing, and panic. God is teaching me something right this very second as I struggle with all of this crap. I have faith that this is all for my good.
I trust God and what He says in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that I already posted today but writing what is going on in my brain helps me organize my thoughts and combat the voices and lay it all down before God. If I didn't write this down, my ADHD brain would obsess over it a while, make me even more frustrated, and then just notice something bright and shiny and I forget all about it. (Just poking fun at myself to lighten the mood. But in all actuality, I am actually more distracted by loud noises, rather than shiny objects... LOUD NOISES!!! ...Oh, come on! The set up was perfect!! I had to say it!)
So if you could, please pray for me. Not for my deliverance from this suffering, but perseverance through it all. Please pray that I would stop believing the voices in my head, and that I wouldn't let these trials divert my attention, focus, and adoration from my One True God.
Not as ugly anymore
What a day. I spent some time in the word after I finished my post last night. I listened to a podcast about going on with God in the dark nights of the soul. I calmed down a little. I am not where I was last night, but I still don't like who I am at all.
I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked from 8-2 this morning. I am so tired. I'm extremely sore from the extreme game of ultimate frisbee (after college bible study) last night. I dove and got knocked over a lot and landed on my hips a couple of times which has left me walking around like an old lady. One would think this would be the perfect recipe for an awful mood, right?
I'm actually feeling... well... hopeful. Something happened at work today. I talked to someone who shared something at during the church service Sunday morning. This woman has been through so much, and she is my hero. She shared her heart Sunday morning in front of the whole church and I could just hear God in every word she spoke. Her testimony spoke directly to my soul.
She thanked me for singing my ministry (the solo I sang) and I thanked her back. I told her everything I thought about her and how much of a blessing she is to the church even though she may not see it. This woman is going through an awfully dark night right now, but she has the strength to cling to God and testify before everyone how she is growing through it all. She said that she feels she has no strength and I told her that she makes me feel stronger. Seeing her rely on God to direct her through her dark night makes me feel like I can do this too. Everything I told her was straight from my heart and I guess it encouraged her. She gave me a hug and we parted ways. I really hope she saw in some small way how she greatly impacts the church even in her suffering. As I went back to hanging clothes, God's voice spoke into my heart and said "There is more to you than you think, Erin."
I was in public, so I did not burst into tears like I usually do when I experience God... but it was really hard not to. Through that, I now see at least a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The voices combat this hope by saying "That was not who you really are. You are not an encouraging person. That was just a fluke." ...but the voices have started to fade, becoming dimmer. God's voice is louder, telling me I am loved. God loves me so much that He even turns my failure into something beautiful. He loves me so much that He doesn't let me, or any of His children, suffer in vain.
One week and one day has passed since I deleted my facebook account. I was struggling today with the thought of returning to facebook. I was struggling with a lot of tempting thoughts today, probably stemming from my exhaustion, emotional issues, and loneliness. My first reaction toward the temptation was prayer. It was almost involuntary. I never noticed it before, but prayer has become more involuntary for me.
I'm still pretty surprised thinking about it now. God has been taking care of me so much. He's blessed me with growth and spiritual maturity. I take no credit for any of it whatsoever, because I couldn't possibly do that myself. (Just so you know.) I also realize that I have so much more growing and maturing to do.
I know that I have so much more life ahead of me than what is in my past. Maybe not here on earth but definitely in heaven, where it counts.
Psalm 40:1-5
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
This is the song I sang in church yesterday... it's awesome how God works things together...
I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked from 8-2 this morning. I am so tired. I'm extremely sore from the extreme game of ultimate frisbee (after college bible study) last night. I dove and got knocked over a lot and landed on my hips a couple of times which has left me walking around like an old lady. One would think this would be the perfect recipe for an awful mood, right?
I'm actually feeling... well... hopeful. Something happened at work today. I talked to someone who shared something at during the church service Sunday morning. This woman has been through so much, and she is my hero. She shared her heart Sunday morning in front of the whole church and I could just hear God in every word she spoke. Her testimony spoke directly to my soul.
She thanked me for singing my ministry (the solo I sang) and I thanked her back. I told her everything I thought about her and how much of a blessing she is to the church even though she may not see it. This woman is going through an awfully dark night right now, but she has the strength to cling to God and testify before everyone how she is growing through it all. She said that she feels she has no strength and I told her that she makes me feel stronger. Seeing her rely on God to direct her through her dark night makes me feel like I can do this too. Everything I told her was straight from my heart and I guess it encouraged her. She gave me a hug and we parted ways. I really hope she saw in some small way how she greatly impacts the church even in her suffering. As I went back to hanging clothes, God's voice spoke into my heart and said "There is more to you than you think, Erin."
I was in public, so I did not burst into tears like I usually do when I experience God... but it was really hard not to. Through that, I now see at least a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The voices combat this hope by saying "That was not who you really are. You are not an encouraging person. That was just a fluke." ...but the voices have started to fade, becoming dimmer. God's voice is louder, telling me I am loved. God loves me so much that He even turns my failure into something beautiful. He loves me so much that He doesn't let me, or any of His children, suffer in vain.
One week and one day has passed since I deleted my facebook account. I was struggling today with the thought of returning to facebook. I was struggling with a lot of tempting thoughts today, probably stemming from my exhaustion, emotional issues, and loneliness. My first reaction toward the temptation was prayer. It was almost involuntary. I never noticed it before, but prayer has become more involuntary for me.
I'm still pretty surprised thinking about it now. God has been taking care of me so much. He's blessed me with growth and spiritual maturity. I take no credit for any of it whatsoever, because I couldn't possibly do that myself. (Just so you know.) I also realize that I have so much more growing and maturing to do.
I know that I have so much more life ahead of me than what is in my past. Maybe not here on earth but definitely in heaven, where it counts.
Psalm 40:1-5
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
Ugly
I have a lot of voices in my head giving me a lot of crap right now. The loudest voice tells me that I'm not beautiful... You're probably thinking... "Oh wow, is this chick fishing for compliments?" The answer is no. I'm not. I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful because it won't help right now anyway. That's just how this works.
When I say beautiful, I am mostly referring to being beautiful spiritually, personality, and character wise. I just hate how loud and obnoxious I am. I don't like only being the funny girl. As I was driving home tonight, I cried and prayed for God to speak some truth in my life, because right now I believe the lies. I believe that I am not a beautiful person.
I feel so shallow and worthless. The voices tell me I have nothing to offer this world or God. I am just a terrible, selfish, arrogant, obnoxious doormat who is so scared of what others think of me. I am a scared little girl. I don't measure up. I fail at everything I do in some small way or another. This is what the voices tell me.
I'm not sure how to combat this right now because I believe every word of it. I'm going to go to God's word and search for answers. I don't know where else to turn.
I want to be the kind of woman of God whom people can rely on and look up to. I want to be a gracious, humble, encouraging, organized, selfless, respectful, trustworthy, but strong, passionate, and courageous... but instead, I am me. I want people to look at me internally and say "That woman is beautiful." This song by Bethany Dillon kind of sums up the kind of beauty I desire.
I want to be able to be looked at by a strong, wise man of God and live up to his expectations of what a true woman of God should be. I want to be respected and loved. I want to feel beautiful. Maybe it will happen someday, maybe God has such a man tucked away somewhere growing in his faith just like me... but right now I feel unworthy of any such man and unable to live up to anyone's expectations let alone a significant other. Then the voices tell me that it didn't work out between my parents after 31 years, so why would it work for me? How can I make it if they can't? ...but that's whole different story...
I don't feel like I'll ever come even close to being beautiful. I feel like I'll just be stuck like this forever, and it kills me inside. As I was driving home, crying, and praying, no, pouring my heart out to God, I felt deep in my soul that He was actually listening to me and crying with me. This song came on the radio and I just listened... this song is the cry of my heart right now:
I still feel the same as I did before, broken, beat down, worthless, hurting, inadequate, UGLY ... but I know God is listening to me right now and He feels for me. So I am wrapping this up with a heavy heart to delve into God's love letter to me to find some wisdom and healing.
When I say beautiful, I am mostly referring to being beautiful spiritually, personality, and character wise. I just hate how loud and obnoxious I am. I don't like only being the funny girl. As I was driving home tonight, I cried and prayed for God to speak some truth in my life, because right now I believe the lies. I believe that I am not a beautiful person.
I feel so shallow and worthless. The voices tell me I have nothing to offer this world or God. I am just a terrible, selfish, arrogant, obnoxious doormat who is so scared of what others think of me. I am a scared little girl. I don't measure up. I fail at everything I do in some small way or another. This is what the voices tell me.
I'm not sure how to combat this right now because I believe every word of it. I'm going to go to God's word and search for answers. I don't know where else to turn.
I want to be the kind of woman of God whom people can rely on and look up to. I want to be a gracious, humble, encouraging, organized, selfless, respectful, trustworthy, but strong, passionate, and courageous... but instead, I am me. I want people to look at me internally and say "That woman is beautiful." This song by Bethany Dillon kind of sums up the kind of beauty I desire.
I want to be able to be looked at by a strong, wise man of God and live up to his expectations of what a true woman of God should be. I want to be respected and loved. I want to feel beautiful. Maybe it will happen someday, maybe God has such a man tucked away somewhere growing in his faith just like me... but right now I feel unworthy of any such man and unable to live up to anyone's expectations let alone a significant other. Then the voices tell me that it didn't work out between my parents after 31 years, so why would it work for me? How can I make it if they can't? ...but that's whole different story...
I don't feel like I'll ever come even close to being beautiful. I feel like I'll just be stuck like this forever, and it kills me inside. As I was driving home, crying, and praying, no, pouring my heart out to God, I felt deep in my soul that He was actually listening to me and crying with me. This song came on the radio and I just listened... this song is the cry of my heart right now:
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Nothing profound in this post today (just a warning)
The 8 1/2 hour work day has been vanquished! How do I reward myself?! With a little ear training and piano playing, that's how!! Go ahead, I know you're thinking it, you might as well say it aloud... I'm a music geek. I don't care!!
So work today was... well, work. I really feel God has been laying on my heart to be more up front and open about my faith, so work has been kind of the place that I've been starting to live out my faith. I am unhappy with being complacent about my dormant evangelistic lifestyle. I've been praying for really obvious opportunities to share my faith in some big or small way.
I also feel God pressing on my heart to work on my self control, so I think I might do the Daniel Fast... I don't know much about it, but I know that you only drink water, eat veggies and certain non-processed, healthy foods. I'm a huge carnivore so this could really really stretch me spiritually. I need to research more about it before I commit to it though. (Obviously.) As for now, I will be perfectly content with some frozen pizza and Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
I'm so pumped for Sunday! I sing in the morning at church, work from 1-6, and rush over to the bible study from 6-8, then hang out with some pretty awesome women of God. Well my brain is fried, and I'm exhausted so this is it for me tonight. So as you can see, this post really is about nothing... I tried to warn you! Okay, you want profoundness? Here is the best I got right now...
Remember... God made you special, and he loves you very much!
Okay maybe I can do better. Here are some epic verses I read this morning during my time alone with God...
Psalm 36:9-11
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
...Maybe it's because I'm such a music geek, but Psalm is my favorite book of the bible. I love the sheer poetry and creativity of it all. The lyrics are just absolutely beautiful! David was an epic musician! I can't wait to jam with him in heaven someday!
So work today was... well, work. I really feel God has been laying on my heart to be more up front and open about my faith, so work has been kind of the place that I've been starting to live out my faith. I am unhappy with being complacent about my dormant evangelistic lifestyle. I've been praying for really obvious opportunities to share my faith in some big or small way.
I also feel God pressing on my heart to work on my self control, so I think I might do the Daniel Fast... I don't know much about it, but I know that you only drink water, eat veggies and certain non-processed, healthy foods. I'm a huge carnivore so this could really really stretch me spiritually. I need to research more about it before I commit to it though. (Obviously.) As for now, I will be perfectly content with some frozen pizza and Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
I'm so pumped for Sunday! I sing in the morning at church, work from 1-6, and rush over to the bible study from 6-8, then hang out with some pretty awesome women of God. Well my brain is fried, and I'm exhausted so this is it for me tonight. So as you can see, this post really is about nothing... I tried to warn you! Okay, you want profoundness? Here is the best I got right now...
Remember... God made you special, and he loves you very much!
Okay maybe I can do better. Here are some epic verses I read this morning during my time alone with God...
Psalm 36:9-11
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
...Maybe it's because I'm such a music geek, but Psalm is my favorite book of the bible. I love the sheer poetry and creativity of it all. The lyrics are just absolutely beautiful! David was an epic musician! I can't wait to jam with him in heaven someday!
Funny Girl (like Barbra Streisand)
Survival of the (not so) fittest. That's most of what my life has been about. Surviving and adapting. Growing up, I got teased a lot. I was always overweight, so that was mostly what I was teased about. I never had any "redeeming qualities" in the eyes of society because people who didn't know me couldn't look past my weight. It sucked being looked at and judged on a such a surface level. So I had to adapt to survive. I had to become the "funny girl." (Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter! ...from one of my fav-o musicals, Funny Girl)
I hate being teased. (Who does?) I hate being mocked and made fun of for my weight or other anything else, so I adapted to become the person you laugh with rather than at. If I could make you laugh by something I did, then it almost felt like I was making you my ally. I felt so accepted when I was performing and getting good results. If I could make you laugh at my jokes, it would prevent you from laughing at me. I sometimes wonder who I would be today if I didn't grow up overweight.
Why do I bring this up? Well, I don't know. I've just been getting teased a lot lately. Some of my friends do it, not maliciously of course, but they don't really understand how much teasing bothers me so I let it slide. (Because then I'd have to go through this whole explanation of why teasing bothers me so much and in the end, it's really not worth it.) Some people tease me for being too thin. I mean, I am thankful for being at a good, healthy weight now, but it still kind of hurts being teased for being "too thin that I might blow away."
Tonight was one of those nights where I really had to put on a show to keep from being teased. I was teased about silly things that really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but it really did. When I feel like I lose control of a situation (the situation being that I am being laughed at instead of laughed with), then I go into panic mode. I start trying to hard to gain back that acceptance. Well, tonight I just gave up on that... I was too tired to try "regaining control."
I'm exhausted. Tomorrow will be day 3 out of five that I work. Days one and two were both 6 hour days, tomorrow is an eight and a half hour day. I'm so thankful though, that God provided me this job and all the hours I've been getting with it.
Why am I up so late you ask? Well, I really wanted to get some bible reading in before bed. I'm reading through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days and all of the major prophets of the old testament in 60 days. BUT the real reason I wanted to read my bible is cuz I need God to speak some truth in my life and I needed to take the focus off myself and my momentary hurt. God is so awesome and I needed a reminder.
...Would I have turned out the same today if I hadn't grown up overweight? I don't know, but I do know that God created me beautiful (no matter how much I weigh), and with a purpose in mind. So even though I suffered through high school teasing, judgement, harassment, exclusion, and loneliness, God used it to make me stronger, funnier, more reliant on Him, and overall just a better person.
God has blessed me with an amazing weight loss journey, two healed hips, and all the humor in the world to make people laugh in the darkest of days... okay maybe not that much humor, but still... So you curious as to how much I used to weigh? No? Well I'm telling you anyway... just so you know and just so I embarrass myself enough to never weigh that much again... well, here it comes...
I hate being teased. (Who does?) I hate being mocked and made fun of for my weight or other anything else, so I adapted to become the person you laugh with rather than at. If I could make you laugh by something I did, then it almost felt like I was making you my ally. I felt so accepted when I was performing and getting good results. If I could make you laugh at my jokes, it would prevent you from laughing at me. I sometimes wonder who I would be today if I didn't grow up overweight.
Why do I bring this up? Well, I don't know. I've just been getting teased a lot lately. Some of my friends do it, not maliciously of course, but they don't really understand how much teasing bothers me so I let it slide. (Because then I'd have to go through this whole explanation of why teasing bothers me so much and in the end, it's really not worth it.) Some people tease me for being too thin. I mean, I am thankful for being at a good, healthy weight now, but it still kind of hurts being teased for being "too thin that I might blow away."
Tonight was one of those nights where I really had to put on a show to keep from being teased. I was teased about silly things that really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but it really did. When I feel like I lose control of a situation (the situation being that I am being laughed at instead of laughed with), then I go into panic mode. I start trying to hard to gain back that acceptance. Well, tonight I just gave up on that... I was too tired to try "regaining control."
I'm exhausted. Tomorrow will be day 3 out of five that I work. Days one and two were both 6 hour days, tomorrow is an eight and a half hour day. I'm so thankful though, that God provided me this job and all the hours I've been getting with it.
Why am I up so late you ask? Well, I really wanted to get some bible reading in before bed. I'm reading through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days and all of the major prophets of the old testament in 60 days. BUT the real reason I wanted to read my bible is cuz I need God to speak some truth in my life and I needed to take the focus off myself and my momentary hurt. God is so awesome and I needed a reminder.
...Would I have turned out the same today if I hadn't grown up overweight? I don't know, but I do know that God created me beautiful (no matter how much I weigh), and with a purpose in mind. So even though I suffered through high school teasing, judgement, harassment, exclusion, and loneliness, God used it to make me stronger, funnier, more reliant on Him, and overall just a better person.
God has blessed me with an amazing weight loss journey, two healed hips, and all the humor in the world to make people laugh in the darkest of days... okay maybe not that much humor, but still... So you curious as to how much I used to weigh? No? Well I'm telling you anyway... just so you know and just so I embarrass myself enough to never weigh that much again... well, here it comes...
This is me (18 years old) as a senior... at 220 lbs...
This is me at 21... 136 lbs.
I've lost 84 lbs... and I still want to lose another 20 lbs or so.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Hold On To That Feelin!
Whew. What a day. I survived! I am rewarding myself with some fried rice. Soo here's how today went down... I woke up at 7, and had my time with God, then I practiced piano starting with Manifesto for camp, and then Don't Stop Believin' just for fun. I got ready for my voice lesson at 12 and worked on one song til 1. The lesson went really well! (I actually impressed my vocal coach! Which rarely happens.) Then I went to work at 2-8. Holy moses. It was so busy. Then I went straight to worship team practice until 8:40. I. Am. Exhausted.
So I wasn't in a very optimistic mood this morning, but I mean, who can be pessimistic while playing Don't Stop Believin' right?! My spirits were lifted even more after the successful voice lesson.
Then there was work. I ringing up a purchase with a backpack with some writing on it... it had a name written on it... so and so's name... So began my pestering thought process about so and so, switching between anger/pity/reminiscing/missing/worrying.
Then I was shelving a bunch of books that just so happened to be romance books with "romantic" cover art. Ugh. It was excruciating. Maybe I was just being a baby, but it was rough. As I was worrying, I realized I hadn't even talked to God about how I was feeling.
I was so caught up in just forgetting so and so and moving on to something else, that I forgot that I could totally vent and share this with God. So I did, while simultaneously hanging women's shirts. I just told God what was going on in my mind and heart, and asked for some peace and healing.
I felt better after praying and 6 hours fly by without another pestering thought about so and so. I'm so thankful that God gave my heart a nudge to remember Him and remember that He wants me to talk to Him. So that was my "duh" moment for the day. Mmm... good fried rice... I think it's time for some ice cream to chase it down.
Oh and just remember... don't stop believin... ;)
Deuteronomy 6:12
be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.
(...Or surgery/family issues/break-ups)
So I wasn't in a very optimistic mood this morning, but I mean, who can be pessimistic while playing Don't Stop Believin' right?! My spirits were lifted even more after the successful voice lesson.
Then there was work. I ringing up a purchase with a backpack with some writing on it... it had a name written on it... so and so's name... So began my pestering thought process about so and so, switching between anger/pity/reminiscing/missing/worrying.
Then I was shelving a bunch of books that just so happened to be romance books with "romantic" cover art. Ugh. It was excruciating. Maybe I was just being a baby, but it was rough. As I was worrying, I realized I hadn't even talked to God about how I was feeling.
I was so caught up in just forgetting so and so and moving on to something else, that I forgot that I could totally vent and share this with God. So I did, while simultaneously hanging women's shirts. I just told God what was going on in my mind and heart, and asked for some peace and healing.
I felt better after praying and 6 hours fly by without another pestering thought about so and so. I'm so thankful that God gave my heart a nudge to remember Him and remember that He wants me to talk to Him. So that was my "duh" moment for the day. Mmm... good fried rice... I think it's time for some ice cream to chase it down.
Oh and just remember... don't stop believin... ;)
Deuteronomy 6:12
be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.
(...Or surgery/family issues/break-ups)
Wait and See
I am in a state of unrest. Today shall be a busy day. I start with a voice lesson at 12-1 and work
from 2-8. Then straight from work to worship team practice to work on my
solo for church on Sunday. But that's not why I'm restless. I am restless for God right now. I am so excited to do His will but I am
just waiting right now... the unrest seems to build, but I know that
I'm waiting for a reason. I may think I am so ready to take the world by
storm, but God's got some more growing to do in me.
I've been struggling with forgiveness and judgement for the past couple of days. God has been ever so patient with me. I am forgiving. I'd like to think I have forgiven so and so, but I'm waiting on God. I noticed that the things that once bothered me and caused me to judge, have turned to understanding and mercy. Only God could bring me to this place, it wasn't my own doing, that is for sure and certain.
I thought I would be struggling with this for a very long time. I'm just surprised God has healed me so quickly. I guess after all I have been through, I should not be so surprised anymore. This journey I am on, this summer of healing is not going to be all roses and daisies and rainbows. It's going to be full of discipline and... well, let's face it, healing can be messy. With healing comes scars.
I had a lot of baggage. It's not that my baggage has disappeared... it's that God is showing me how to carry it better. There will always be baggage, but my God will help me carry it. I'm listening to a podcast right now about worship. I just heard a lovely quote "It's not that your situation always changes when you praise God, but we change. Our perspective changes. We are reminded how loving He is when we sing of His goodness." (Diane White.)
So now that I'm out of the valley and on the mountain top, I will not stop praising God. Sometimes when we feel we are in a healthy place, we forget that we are still sick; we are still in need of God. Now starts the battle with myself to remember that I still need God in my state of joy and blessing.
I am not going to take back control of my life now that it is better. (That's what usually happens.) I pray now more than ever to remember my need for God, remember where I came from, and remember that He's not finished with me yet.
I've been struggling with forgiveness and judgement for the past couple of days. God has been ever so patient with me. I am forgiving. I'd like to think I have forgiven so and so, but I'm waiting on God. I noticed that the things that once bothered me and caused me to judge, have turned to understanding and mercy. Only God could bring me to this place, it wasn't my own doing, that is for sure and certain.
I thought I would be struggling with this for a very long time. I'm just surprised God has healed me so quickly. I guess after all I have been through, I should not be so surprised anymore. This journey I am on, this summer of healing is not going to be all roses and daisies and rainbows. It's going to be full of discipline and... well, let's face it, healing can be messy. With healing comes scars.
I had a lot of baggage. It's not that my baggage has disappeared... it's that God is showing me how to carry it better. There will always be baggage, but my God will help me carry it. I'm listening to a podcast right now about worship. I just heard a lovely quote "It's not that your situation always changes when you praise God, but we change. Our perspective changes. We are reminded how loving He is when we sing of His goodness." (Diane White.)
So now that I'm out of the valley and on the mountain top, I will not stop praising God. Sometimes when we feel we are in a healthy place, we forget that we are still sick; we are still in need of God. Now starts the battle with myself to remember that I still need God in my state of joy and blessing.
I am not going to take back control of my life now that it is better. (That's what usually happens.) I pray now more than ever to remember my need for God, remember where I came from, and remember that He's not finished with me yet.
Wait and See by Brandon Heath
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The wuhst poies in Lahhhndon!
I'm not sure what to write about today. It's my day off. Yay! I tanned, sort of wrote a song, went to church, talked with my youth pastor, worked on camp stuff, edited a script, listened to someone audition for the worship team, and helped at a junior high bible study. It was still a pretty busy day today even though it was my day off. AND I went half the day without my medicine! Whoops!
Talking with my youth pastor helped me a ton. God is really taking care of me with all the awesome people He has placed in my life now. I already had my time alone with God today, but I am in a very unmotivated mood today. I feel kind of grouchy and just blah. I think I'll spend some more time with my Creator.
What else, what else? Um... yeah... not much... I'm definitely feeling some symptoms of withdrawal from facebook, but it's for my good. I'm feeling lonely. I'm not sure why. I've been stressed a bit because I've been scheduled to work on Sunday (at noon, during church) and Thursday (during band practice). It's been frustrating because I've asked my boss to keep those days clear. It's been worked out, but it did take a toll on me.
Ugh wow. I haven't felt this unmotivated in a long time. (God please provide me with some energy and joy to be able to get out of this little slump. God please invade my thoughts so I don't focus on myself.) I'm hoping this is just due to the lack of medicine during the day.
Well, I'm going to try to get out of this minor blah-ness I've got going on. I need to pray, read some of God's love letter to me, remind myself how Awesome God is, look forward to the awesome future He has planned for me, and possibly sing some show tunes to make me feel better.
...So I choose a show tune from like the most depressing, emo musical ever! Shockingly, though I do feel a bit better....
Talking with my youth pastor helped me a ton. God is really taking care of me with all the awesome people He has placed in my life now. I already had my time alone with God today, but I am in a very unmotivated mood today. I feel kind of grouchy and just blah. I think I'll spend some more time with my Creator.
What else, what else? Um... yeah... not much... I'm definitely feeling some symptoms of withdrawal from facebook, but it's for my good. I'm feeling lonely. I'm not sure why. I've been stressed a bit because I've been scheduled to work on Sunday (at noon, during church) and Thursday (during band practice). It's been frustrating because I've asked my boss to keep those days clear. It's been worked out, but it did take a toll on me.
Ugh wow. I haven't felt this unmotivated in a long time. (God please provide me with some energy and joy to be able to get out of this little slump. God please invade my thoughts so I don't focus on myself.) I'm hoping this is just due to the lack of medicine during the day.
Well, I'm going to try to get out of this minor blah-ness I've got going on. I need to pray, read some of God's love letter to me, remind myself how Awesome God is, look forward to the awesome future He has planned for me, and possibly sing some show tunes to make me feel better.
...So I choose a show tune from like the most depressing, emo musical ever! Shockingly, though I do feel a bit better....
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Adventures of Being Single
Last night. Oh boy. Last night I failed to guard my heart. I found out my ex-boyfriend had straight up lied to me, and now I feel like our whole relationship was built on a lie. It hurt me to know that even before we started dating, he lied to me and continued to lie about it while we were dating. I was hurt and angry. I imagined whether or not I would have ever dated him if I knew then what I know now. I tried so hard all day to remember the verse in James 1:13 "because judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgement."
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to him when I see him next and in my mind, I picture it like it's an intense break up scene straight from a romance movie. I want to slap him, say my little speech that I conjured in my head for an hour, then turn around and walk away, leaving him feeling emotionally injured and alone to battle with his own conscience.
Then I realized that that may make me feel good for a second after, but what good will it do me in the long run? Will that help me heal? Will that help me forgive him? It won't, so I'm going to have to pray about what I will actually say. I am trying to forgive him though. It's a drawn out process but I just keep remembering that no matter what, I cannot judge him because "mercy triumphs over judgement."
So in my efforts to guard my heart last night, I read through the book of James. I think that might be my favorite book as of right now. Then I listened to three podcasts about spiritual formation. It kept my mind set on things above, which helped tremendously.
I will say that this has definitely helped me get over my feelings for him. I don't miss him anymore. (I mean that's got to count for something, right?) I don't know if I ever want to be friends with him... yet... but that might change during the process of forgiving/healing. Right now, all I know is that I am focusing on God.
I plan to remain single for a very long time (God willing). I plan to keep that distraction out of my life for at least a year, as long as it's God's will of course. Hey, you know, maybe God's plan for me is to remain single forever... That was the topic of one of my podcasts last night... If God's will for me is to keep marriage out of the picture, then you know what? GOD'S WILL BE DONE! (I will just adopt 17 or so cats and name them all human names.)
Sometimes I think that that may be the case. I just feel like my crazy personality and sometimes ridiculous antics is not something a normal, Christian, Christ-centered guy would want to put up with. Maybe that is my insecurity talking, or maybe that is me just being stubborn about ever wanting to date again. (Okay, I'm done being bitter. Mercy over judgement, mercy over judgement!)
I finally feel at peace about being single. This opens up so many new opportunities for me!
1. I don't have to shave my legs regularly
2. My makeup routine is now 10 minutes shorter
3. I am free to be confident and hang out with guys more (Psh... like that will happen)
4. I can focus on my relationship with God more.
5. My room is sooo messy and I LOVE IT!!!
6. I won't be tempted to give in to my selfish ambitions with him.
7. I have time to work on saying no and meaning it.
8. My friends and I will grow closer than ever.
9. God has provided me with 2 accountability partners... which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still dating so and so.
10. I am free from the guilt and temptation that came with so and so and free to receive God's abundant blessing!!!
God is good, all the time. God has been pouring out His blessing on me and I am just loving every minute of it! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
^
That is my new life verse... my previous life verse was:
2 Corinthians 1:9
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
^
Yeah, as you can tell, it's a huge change from where I've been to where I am now. PRAISE THE LORD!
And I leave you with this hilarious video "Sh-stuff Single Girls Say" It made me giggle.
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to him when I see him next and in my mind, I picture it like it's an intense break up scene straight from a romance movie. I want to slap him, say my little speech that I conjured in my head for an hour, then turn around and walk away, leaving him feeling emotionally injured and alone to battle with his own conscience.
Then I realized that that may make me feel good for a second after, but what good will it do me in the long run? Will that help me heal? Will that help me forgive him? It won't, so I'm going to have to pray about what I will actually say. I am trying to forgive him though. It's a drawn out process but I just keep remembering that no matter what, I cannot judge him because "mercy triumphs over judgement."
So in my efforts to guard my heart last night, I read through the book of James. I think that might be my favorite book as of right now. Then I listened to three podcasts about spiritual formation. It kept my mind set on things above, which helped tremendously.
I will say that this has definitely helped me get over my feelings for him. I don't miss him anymore. (I mean that's got to count for something, right?) I don't know if I ever want to be friends with him... yet... but that might change during the process of forgiving/healing. Right now, all I know is that I am focusing on God.
I plan to remain single for a very long time (God willing). I plan to keep that distraction out of my life for at least a year, as long as it's God's will of course. Hey, you know, maybe God's plan for me is to remain single forever... That was the topic of one of my podcasts last night... If God's will for me is to keep marriage out of the picture, then you know what? GOD'S WILL BE DONE! (I will just adopt 17 or so cats and name them all human names.)
Sometimes I think that that may be the case. I just feel like my crazy personality and sometimes ridiculous antics is not something a normal, Christian, Christ-centered guy would want to put up with. Maybe that is my insecurity talking, or maybe that is me just being stubborn about ever wanting to date again. (Okay, I'm done being bitter. Mercy over judgement, mercy over judgement!)
I finally feel at peace about being single. This opens up so many new opportunities for me!
1. I don't have to shave my legs regularly
2. My makeup routine is now 10 minutes shorter
3. I am free to be confident and hang out with guys more (Psh... like that will happen)
4. I can focus on my relationship with God more.
5. My room is sooo messy and I LOVE IT!!!
6. I won't be tempted to give in to my selfish ambitions with him.
7. I have time to work on saying no and meaning it.
8. My friends and I will grow closer than ever.
9. God has provided me with 2 accountability partners... which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still dating so and so.
10. I am free from the guilt and temptation that came with so and so and free to receive God's abundant blessing!!!
God is good, all the time. God has been pouring out His blessing on me and I am just loving every minute of it! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
^
That is my new life verse... my previous life verse was:
2 Corinthians 1:9
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
^
Yeah, as you can tell, it's a huge change from where I've been to where I am now. PRAISE THE LORD!
And I leave you with this hilarious video "Sh-stuff Single Girls Say" It made me giggle.
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