Sunday, September 30, 2012

Blue like Jazz

   I just read chapter 4 of the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, on recommendation of my youth pastor. I'm completely hooked and completely convicted at the same time. After reading that chapter, the one thing that continues to flash across my cerebrum in bright orange, bold typed, times new roman letters, is PARTIALITY. 
   My convictions are as follows: I'm such a judgmental douche. I play favorites all the time. My biggest example is at work. It is so hard for me to love people at work, because customers are not very nice. Some of them just ask really stupid questions, and that is the bane of my existence, but that's another rant I will save for later.
   The customers that are nice to me, have the privilege of being treated with kindness in return. The customers who act like idiots or cranky bums, are treated with the most basic sense of politeness, only to disguise my burning annoyance. 
   Christ doesn't play that game. Jesus don't play no games. If Jesus were working my job, he would treat everyone with love. Even those who don't deserve it. EVEN the Pharisees who are complete jerkfaces. EVEN his OWN DISCIPLES who never got his parables and asked STUPID QUESTIONS. (Wow that's a lot of capitals.) 
   I need to pour out this love and grace on everyone, just like Christ has poured out on my douchebaggy little self, because not only am I called to, but I actually want to be like Christ. I don't like who I am. Christ is way better, so I strive to be like Him. 
   Also, I LOVE this quote. "'The thing I loved about Nadine was that I never felt like she was selling anything. She would talk about God as if she knew Him, as if she had talked to Him on the phone that day. She was never ashamed, which is the thing with some Christians I had encountered. They felt like they had to sell God, as if He were soap or a vacuum cleaner, and it's like they really weren't listening to me; they didn't care, they just wanted me to buy their product."
   This is the difference between knowing Christ and getting Christ. Before I got Christ, I lived by the standard set of rules and followed Jesus because it made me feel better about myself, without really knowing who I was following. Once I got to know Jesus and what He was about, I realized that nothing I could do would make me good. I'm an awful person, and Christ makes me good. I love Jesus because He loved me first, in all of my awful lying, selfishness, idolatry, hatred, and greed. People say I have grown and changed so much since then, but I don't even notice. If I have, it's because of Christ. Now I get Christ, and my life is His.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

So blessed

   I'm exhausted, but I had to post before I went to bed. I love Wednesdays. Have I ever mentioned that before? I loooove Wednesdays. Today someone left a bouquet of flowers and a gas card in the church office for my mom and me.
   I just feel so loved. I just realize Christ's love for me so much more from gestures like this. I am blessed. Today, I am thankful for all God's blessings. I'm also thankful for the trials He's carried me through to get me where I am today... You know what? I'm just thankful for everything. I love my God so much. God is so good.
   Time for bed. Peace y'all.

Life be crazy.

   I hate learning. I'm so hard on myself when I'm learning new things. I just realized that today. Whenever I learn an aria, or a new song in choir, or a dance number for the musical, I feel like I have to get it right within the first couple of tries or I'm just a huge idiot. That's why I hate learning.
   For example, my Chemistry class is okay, but if there is something I don't understand in class, I beat myself up about it for not being smart enough to get it right the first time. I'm a crazy! And don't even get me started on music theory!
   Anyway, that's just a little side note that I learned about myself today. So today I did my devotions at school in between classes. I picked a quiet spot in front of a window with a beautiful view and read 3 chapters in Jeremiah and one chapter in Romans.
   Nothing seems to be sinking in like it used to. I had to read Romans 8, and there is soooo much good stuff in that chapter! I read through it once, and I just felt like I hadn't really READ it, you know? So I opened my bible back up and read through it again. Romans 8:28.... Agh! Such an amazing life verse!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
   Maybe I should try doing my devotions in the morning before anything else, or just at a time when my brain is not crazy overwhelmed between classes. I don't know... I'll let you know how that goes. 
   Today someone yelled down a hallway to me that they liked my outfit. They said I looked like Anne Frank.... yeah... I'm not sure what that means either, but I had a good laugh.... like a hold my sides and hold in my pee kind of a laugh.
   Life is hectic.... amid the musical practices, voice lessons, chemistry classes, theory classes, piano lessons, and work, a relationship with God is hard to cultivate. I wish I could say I was as strong as ever, but I'm not.             
   One would think I learned my lesson after so many years of trying to live without my almighty Creator. 
   Life is just busy. Please pray that I do not lose sight of what is most important, my relationship with God and living out His will in my life. I pray that I will fall deeper in love with Him every day and lavish grace upon others like He has lavished upon me.
   God is good. All the time. And so is a GIANT bag of sour patch kids... I'm totally chowing down right now. Oh so yummy! Okay, time for bed! (Poor life choice, eating sour candy then letting it sit in my tummy all night as I slumber... OH WELL!) Goodnight all! 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Random junk

I had to give a speech today about my "coat of arms." Complete with visual aid. Basically a speech about four symbols representing the four most important aspect of your life. 5-8 minute requirement... mine was 12... but it has my sort of faith story in it so I thought I'd share it.

All lit up

   What's the one thing that you love doing? The one activity or hobby you do that makes you feel better no matter what? The thing that makes you light up? Nothing makes me light up more than serving God in youth ministry. Wednesday is my favorite day of the week because youth group is on Wednesday. I get to chat with my favorite Bethel Baptist youth pastor and prepare for an epic night of dodgeball, leading and serving the students in worship, and ministering to junior high students in small group.
   I come away from Impact (that's the name of the junior high youth group) so filled. God's opened up a special place in my heart for youth ministry. I don't know why, but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I wonder (I wa-wa-wa-wa-wooonderrrr) how God's going to fit this into His plan for my life, if at all?
   In the end of the day, I pray that I will always have the blessing of youth ministry in my life. As I was driving home from Impact tonight, I just thanked God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him in doing something I love so so much.
   The message today really hit home. It was on Psalm 63:1-4
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. 3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 4 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
...I want a relationship with God like that. I don't seek God enough. I try to live a good life, according to His will, but I forget that sometimes I just need to know Him more. Not just know about Him, but really know Him. I can do all I want, but that won't truly change me from the inside out. Knowing Christ, truly knowing Christ, and loving Him changes even the hardest of hearts. I want to know Christ, and the power of His resurrection. 
   This month, I'm going to be more diligent about my time alone with God. I won't be in the word  because I should be or have to be, but because I want to know Christ more. I desire Him. I will consciously seek Him everyday. So much so, that when I am without Him, my body longs for Him. My soul thirsts for Christ. I want a love like that. I pray every day that I will fall more madly in love with God as I discover more about Him.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Pharisees are not Fair-ya-see

   In the middle of my busy hectic crazy schedule today, I realized something. It isn't in my trials and tribulations that I abandon God, or even shift my focus from Him. It's actually when life is going pretty well... when life gets crazy, hectic.
   I realized this while driving to school today. I realized how long it had been since my time alone with God hadn't felt rushed or felt like a transition between two more important activities. That realization hit me hard. I immediately stammered through an apologetic prayer going something like... "I'm an idiot, God. It's not that you aren't my number one priority. I guess I've just been distracted. I miss you. I'm sorry. Please accept my awkward apology. I'm such an idiot."
   I allllmost made the mistake of asking for some trials to get me to focus on God again... Good thing I'm not THAT foolish. Wink wink, nudge nudge. God's giving me what I need right now, which is humility. Now that I've committed myself to Him through the awful times, He's showing me that I need Him just as much through the good times.
   I will never be able to live life on my own, without God. I pray that my pride does not ever get in the way of my relationship with God or doing His will. It's funny how I've been getting so caught up and focused on doing God's will, that it's actually hindered me from doing His will. Does that make sense? I'm so caught up in the doing. I've become a pharisee. There I said it. I admit it.
 I pray for wisdom through these hectic times of blessing. I'm starting to get things that I want, and I don't know how to handle it! I have a lead in the musical, a wonderful home, money to spare (and save), and life seems to be settling down.
   I'm so thankful for everything God has given me, and I will never cease to praise Him. My continuing prayer right now is "Lord empty me, for I am full of myself. I'm a pharisee, caught up in works and wealth." Yeah, be amazed. That somewhat rhymed.
I was reading Jeremiah today and this verse totally caught my eye...
Jeremiah 17:5-8
This is what the Lord says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6.He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert in a salt land where no one lives.
7.But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
8.He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

   God is amazing. What a crazy relevant verse! I definitely needed it. So now I lay my pride aside to live by grace, so undeserved. ...My pride is actually now hanging in my closet next to an old poster of Orlando Bloom. Yeah I went through an Orlando Bloom phase. No shame.