Monday, November 12, 2012

Pride and shower poetry

   The musical is over. My heart is crying from both despair and joy. My life has all but come to a complete halt. My relationship with God is not where it used to be. I'm in a state of insecurity. Questioning everything. I'm pretty scared at how my life has changed since the beginning of the semester. 
   I've gotten so much praise about my role in the musical. People tell me I'm very talented, and I shouldn't let this talent go to waste. It's made me wonder if this is something God has in store for me, or if this is something that I just want to do so badly that I am questioning whether I want to do what God's will is for my life and just pursue what I want to do. I enjoy performing so much, but given the overall quality of my life that's resulted from the musical, I don't know think it would be a wise decision to pursue a career in that field.
   I haven't been at church for a few weeks, because I work at noon and quite honestly, it was my one day to sleep in. Go ahead and judge me. I can take it. I haven't been to youth group in weeks because of Wednesday night musical rehearsal. 
   Not being able to participate in my one favorite thing in the world has definitely taken a toll on me as well. But the depressing thing about being so busy is that you forget that the things your are missing in your life due to busyness are so so amazing. You eventually forget that you even miss them. Such is the case with youth group and even my relationship with God.
   I've had no community or fellowship with any believers for the past few weeks. I've had no communion or fellowship with God in the past few weeks. I guess I shouldn't be surprised then at why my life is kind of a mess right now. I've made some very foolish decisions and re-formed some old bad habits. 
   I thought I would be okay on my own. Pride does that to you. It lulls you into a false sense of security in your abilities and alters your reality. I'm so weak without God. I've become someone I hate without Him. I'm so scared that I'm in this place right now. I never thought I'd fall so far from God. Now I'm just questioning whether I was really committed to Him at all in the first place. 
   In this moment, I picture God just shaking His head at me. Exhaling a sigh of exasperation, and walking away, completely tired of me. It's how I feel about myself. Shame on me for projecting my personality onto my God who is the ultimate antonym of me. 
   I'm trying to convince myself that God still loved me even in the very moment when I was knowingly disobeying Him. Grace is the easiest and hardest concept to understand. I'm just so ashamed of myself. Now starts the detox process, and I'm trying so hard to glean what God is trying to teach me right now... I mean, of course beside the obvious lesson being that I needed to be humbled a bit.
   I was in the shower last night and this little verse popped into my head. Apparently the sensitive, creative poet that hides deep within my soul only emerges when I'm showering. If I were a skilled songwriter, I would turn this into a song, but I'm not... or maybe I just need to shower more often.
~I know the things I ought to do, it's not the thing I want to do. So help me Lord to follow you.
Oh glorious tragedy, comparing my humanity to Your divinity.~
   Last night, I was talking with a wonderful friend about life. After chatting for a bit, we realized we were going through the same thing. I almost started crying. God is taking care of both of us. It was no coincidence that we happened to talk to each other last night. I thanked God for revealing His love for me. Tonight, I plan on reading my bible and some epic prayer time. It's time to get reacquainted with my Creator.