Thursday, May 21, 2015

In Fight or In Flight

    Back in the day I wrote this song during my severe struggle with depression. I was too afraid to ever show anyone this song, because I thought it sucked. Now I read it, and I just want others to catch a glimpse of what living (if you can call it that) with depression is actually like. 
   I don't care if the song sucks or not. I just want to be heard. I'm in a better place now, though depression is always looming nearby. And though depression may always loom nearby, I have a God that sticks closer to me than anything has or ever will. Maybe someday I'll work up the courage to actually perform this. 

In Fight or In Flight 
Verse 1:
Failing, fighting, drowning, crawling,
Scraping, scrapping, grasping, falling
I'm just a bird with a broken wing,
a metaphor for depressing things,
to convey the hopeless nature of 
my knockdown drag-out life.

Prechorus:
I need something, anything.

Chorus:
I know am the problem, and that's what kills me.
I am also the solution, and that's what scares me.
Do I try and risk failing, fly by just flailing.
Or stay down here and let the darkness around me
 become the darkness inside me.

Verse 2:
Always thirsty, always drinking
Always swimming, still I'm sinking
Try to satisfy with worthless things
To work so hard to be happy
It never works or lasts
A lather, rinse, and repeat life.


Prechorus:
I need something, anything.

Chorus:
I know am the problem, and that's what kills me.
I am also the solution, and that's what scares me.
Do I try and risk failing, fly by just flailing.
Or stay down here and let the darkness around me
become the darkness inside me.

Bridge:
Imprisonment is where I live
It’s comfortable here in this pit
Freedom is terrifying
I’ve grow afraid of flying
I’d rather sink than swim 
than live in a world that doesn’t need me


   If you struggle with depression, you are not alone. Talk to someone you trust. Cling to God. Without God I'd be dead, and I trust in Him that He can overcome any earthly thing for anyone. 
Remember, Not all who wander are lost. 
Much love,
Erin

Friday, May 8, 2015

Vegan Heathen

   I hate all of those stuck up pretentious know-it-alls who shove their life in your face. Oh hey by the way I'm going vegan.

   I've been reading this book called Skinny Bitch and a few other books about healthy eating and soaking in all of the information about GMO's, pesticides, processed foods, and the unethical treatment of factory farm animals, and it's kind of shocked me. I don't want to put crap into my body. My body is a temple, and I don't want to fill it up with crap.

   I realized that being a performer means honing my skill. Taking care of your instrument is vital to "optimal performance." My body and my voice is my instrument, and that means I must take care of it as any other musician would care for his/her instrument. God gave me this body on loan. I am not my own. God commands me to take care and honor Him with my body.

   My dream career is to go into Broadway. Broadway performers are not only phenomenal singers, but active actors, and seasoned dancers as well. If I want to do what I love, then my body demands discipline. I cannot get to where I want to be by eating crap like processed foods, dairy, cheese, eggs, and meat. But damn do I love all those foods. Cheese and bacon are my favorite foods.

   People have been telling me "Man I could never go vegan because I love meat too much." I'm not going vegan because I hate meat!!! "Do you think astronauts go into space because they hate oxygen?? No!!" -Jeff Winger, Community. I LOVE FOOD. ALL FOOD. CHEESE. MEAT. POTATOES. CHEETOS. SODA. FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD!!!!

   Food has become an idol in my life. I live to eat. I lack discipline, and I realize that the only way I will accomplish my lifestyle change is through the power of God. Daniel did the same thing in the Old Testament. He drank only water and ate only vegetables and became stronger than the men who ate what they wanted.

  I have to emphasize to you, this is not a diet. A diet implies temporary changes to fix a long-term problem. I am changing my lifestyle permanently because I care about myself. I am doing this because I deserve to be healthy. Now, please understand, I am currently TRANSITIONING into the vegan lifestyle. That means it's going to take some time. I am not just going to jump in cold turkey... or as we vegans say "Cold tofurkey." Haha just kidding. I made that up.
 
   Anyway. I am saying that I am going to backslide. I am going to have set backs. I mean, just this morning I ATE A SLICE OF FRENCH SILK PIE FOR BREAKFAST. True story, and no shame. It was amazing. (But now I do feel kind of icky in the physical sense. I feel kind of sick and gross in all honesty.)

   I am making small changes over periods of time so that this is easier for me and it will last longer than just a fad diet. Hopefully permanently. My family has a history of medical problems that I could avoid by eating healthy. I am overweight, and I want to get myself to a healthy weight, but this is not the reason for my decision to eat vegan.
 
   I am having a shift in my self-perception that is changing my life. I am starting to see my worth. I am starting to see that I matter. If I want to make a difference here on this earth, I need to start within myself. I need to believe that God created me for a reason and act as such instead of believing the lie that I am not needed here on this earth, that nothing I do will matter, and that all I do is destroy. I am a child of God, and He does not make defects, junk, or mistakes!
 
   I learned in counseling at CCU last semester that Thoughts breed Feelings; Feelings breed Decisions, Decisions breed Actions, and Actions breed Feelings and so on. It's a vicious cycle. What you think determines what you do, and what you do determines how you think! If I think I am worthless, I will act that way. If I think I can never change, I will never even try to change. So this is the first step in a long journey for me.
 
  1 Corinthians 6:20 is my theme verse for today which says:
     
   " Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you    have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.