This object at rest won't stay at rest!

I had a strange urge to write something so here we go at 1:47am. I watched Easy A and I'm listening to rock me tonight by Billy squier. I'm getting ready for cornerstone festival and somewhat tweaking about the mucho denero I dropped on weird stuff like glow hair dye and a vintage hat from salvation army. I am mellow about it now. But at almost 2 am I better be stinking mellow! Someone could bulldoze through my ketchup packet sized basement window and I would care not. I really would enjoy the breeze right now because I am steaming! Watching Easy A inspired me to really let my creative "Emma Stone" brain juices flowing. My brain juices are kind of spewing out my nogin with little control sorry! I am a witty person and I love to make people laugh. More often I find myself struggling with the insecurity that most guys don't appreciate a chick with a strong personality such as mine. I mean I loooove classic rock, musicals, the theatre, snl, Jesus, bursting into song, and dressing up. (Plus any excuse for the former.) Only God could destine someone perfect for me and vice versa. God is in control and I'm humbled to say that I trust Him with my whole heart, soul, mind, strength, and my life more than I will ever trust myself. God never changes! It's astounding and comforting! Amidst the fast paced craziness of life and my attention span shorter than that of any line into a men's restroom, I have peace in simply knowing that my creator is just as awesome and perfect now as He was before there was time. His plan for my life doesn't change no matter how epicly I will fail! Okay so I'm starting to get drowsy finally! So I am retiring to my chambers. I bid you all a fond farewell as I close my blog entry with a full heart, peaceful mind, and bobbing my head to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Goodnight all. Or good morning? Whatever. Either way I need sleep!

More about music...

Sigh... so I have the chance to lead a group of middle school students in a youth group worship band this summer. Amidst my apprehensive worries for organizing set lists, rodeo-ing junior high students, and insecurity of add, God has really sustained me. He is teaching me that no matter who I become, no matter how horribly I mess up, He is still in control. He makes everything work out so I will grow closer to Him, remember that He is my ultimate prize, and remember that I never need worry. No matter where I go, or don't go, God is using me for His glory. I will always achieve His will because even in my failure, God brings blessing, growth, and legacy for my future. I don't have to be the greatest, because God doesn't need the greatest. He just needs my faith, and He will help me move mountains. I know very little about the technical aspect of music. I took piano lessons for a few years up to 5th grade, which hardly qualifies me for any sort of leadership position in music groups. No playing of the 10 stringed lyre for me... but that's okay. God needs only my heart in worship, which requires no talent whatsoever... or strings.

Melodies in my head

A whirlwind of blessings and heartaches have blown me away since I last wrote. Amidst it all God has been soo loving and patient with me. I have been struggling with anxiety ever since I reacted to pain killers and hallucinated during my first hospital visit in January of last year. During that visit I hallucinated about terrorists in the hospital, one of my coworkers stalking me around the hospital and trying to kill me, I saw people staring at me in the reflection of my hospital room window, and countless other horrifying things that affected every rational part in me. I have never really recovered from that yet, even now I'm crying as I recall how terrified I was. I have noticed that I am somewhat paranoid (though by a much smaller degree). It's very difficult to be myself for fear of people I don't know watching me. I get very anxious when I go shopping, because I imagine people watching me to see if I steal. I love to sing but hate singing in the car because I don't want people driving by to see me singing. It is impossible to trust God and live in constant worry and anxiety. Much that I do is second guessed, and scrutinized, and compared so much that I feel like a shadow of who I really am. It is very hard to be honest about this, especially to God.  I realized I cannot follow God if I am not honest with Him. He already knows me inside and out, but I didn't want to admit to God or myself that I was hurting inside, which tore me away from Him. I am giving God control of everything from now on, and He is healing my doubting heart. I draw strength from His promises, and confidence in that God created me the way I am for a purpose and He makes me beautiful. God's love is unavoidable! And... (BIG blessing alert)... I have half of my college tuition paid by a grant! In April I applied for a Music Talent Grant and was required to audition for the music director. I sang "What Do I Know Of Holy" by Addison Road. My doubting heart gave up hoping for the award after about 2 weeks of waiting impatiently. But I received a letter 2 days ago stating I was awarded a half tuition! God is so good! He is Jehovah-Jireh!

Guarding my heart

It's been awhile since my last entry... not much has happened these few weeks. I have been working at mcdonalds more, embarrassing myself and enthusiastically pouring my energy into jr. high youth group, and singing with the church band every other Sunday. Although it has been an amazing blessing bouncing off the walls with middle schoolers, using the gifts God gave me in singing, and working more to earn more moolah toward fall tuition; it has been exhausting. So on my first free Saturday night in eons, I was elated to be going out with friends. We decided on trekking to a new club specifically for young adults under 21, so no alcohol served whatsoever. An alcohol free night of girl time and laughing at my awkward attempts at dancing seemed too perfect! We arrived at 10:30 at a college campus and searched the for some friends that would walk us to the club. My stomach dropped when we found our male guides whom I never met, and they told us we were going to hang out somewhere close until it opened. My stomach continued to sink even further while we followed them and deflated when we entered a frat house. I started feverishly praying for guidance and safety and wisdom and the Peace of God. We walked into a room decorated with beer labels and college guys surrounding a pool table playing beer pong. I knew right away that my night was over. I had to go. I texted my dad to pick me up and prayed for strength to take a stand, and testify my relationship with God without shame. I turned to my group and told them that I couldn't stay. I studied their faces as I told them that this was against everything I stood for. That it was my personal decision to leave. I told them that drinking was not my thing. As I stumbled through the rest of my explanation, my friends looked disgusted. And for the first time in my life, I did not care what they thought or said about me. It was freeing. I truly knew and believed with all my heart and soul that God's approval was more important and way more fulfilling. I told them my dad was picking me up. They decided to stay but I assured one of my other friends who told me she was uncomfortable, that she could come with if she wanted. The hardest part of that situation was not deciding to leave, but how to leave. Explaining my reason for leaving was most difficult. I didn't want to ruin my testimony by acting arrogant, but I did not want to be ashamed. Even though we left soon after and even if the club turned out to be legit and legal, staying would have been compromising. The emotions raging through my heart were so conflicting. Though I was sure of my decision, I left with a heavy heart. There was no victory music playing in the background. Although I stepped out in faith, I didn't feel as though everything would be ok. I am still concerned about my friends, and their salvation. Through it all God has graciously carried me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. God is so mighty to save. He continues to deliver me and I am thankful for his unending patience and grace for me. I have prayed for God to remain my focus each day, and asking for less of me and more of Him. Please pray for me and my relationship with these friends as I continue to witness to them.

Music.

I love singing. Anywhere, anytime. I sing with our church's worship band every other Sunday. I sometimes burst into song mid sentence, regrettably, when I hear anything that resembles a song title, lyric, musician, or if a song is looping through my thoughts. I have unofficially diagnosed myself with musical turrets syndrome. Anyway, God has blessed me with a voice. And throughout this period in my life, of growing, maturing, learning from mistakes, and waiting I have been trying to plan my future. I have been wrestling with God, all the while asking Him to show me His will and His plan for my life. Does that make sense to you? Me neither. While I have been planning and unplanning and praying for God's will to be apparent to me, I have been ruling out any type of worhip/ music ministry. The reason being that I can get so distracted when I am on stage singing Sunday mornings. I am distracted pretty much 24/7 but the difference is that when I am onstage, I want to sing every single word of every song and mean it with all of my heart. I feel so fake when I am trying to praise God, but my mind is miles away thinking about stuff like- hitting the right notes, where is the glare on the wall coming from, did I leave my straightener on this morning, and I don't even realize it. Then I feel bad for not focusing on God, and then I wonder if anyone could tell I was distracted. My a.d.d. is such a hang up for me. I am so insecure of myself because of this. I pray that God's will be done, and all this time I have been automatically ruling out what may be His very will for me. Not only am I putting my wants before God's will, but I am making God so little, powerless in my mind. I am assuming that God is not powerful enough or smart enough to figure out a way around my a.d.d. or to use it for His glory. I strive so much for control. Control over my random outlandish attention span, control over my sometimes bombarding personality, control over conversations, and control over God. God is opening my eyes to His Awesomeness. He doesn't use me despite my shortcomings for His glory. God uses all of me, especially my shortcomings, for His glory. Please pray for me that my perspective is focused outward on God and others instead of myself.

bleh

Sometimes my mind is racing. Speeding so fast I don't even notice until it crashes. My heart is weary from the rapid switch between emotions. If I am sad, it only last until I blink and notice something that floods my mind with new thoughts. I want to linger on what burdens me and scratch and claw to clutch the escaping mood, but it's gone. And then I burn with frustration because I don't understand why I can't just focus and hold my attention on one thing. It's so easy to forgive and forget because I forget more than my lungs take in oxygen. Yeah, ok so I lied a little when I said it's easy to forgive and forget. I have one issue when it comes to forgiveness. The only person I have trouble forgiving is myself. Help me Jesus. I am so broken. I am so frustrated at myself. I want to focus. I want to be able to sit still. I want to listen to others and not tune out without even realizing. What I want though, is not always what is best for me. What I need is to just be ok with who I am.

Random thought...

As a christian woman with attention deficit disorder, I need consistency in some aspect every day. I don't thrive on it I'll admit, but let's face it life is not about thriving on everything we want. Change is woven into my life because of my impulsive mind. It's very hard to resist an impulse because it is such a split second decision. For example I remember driving to a class at the community college freshman year, in the fall . I love nature, especially trees in autumn. I can't avoid driving past Lake Storey, and the infinite forest surrounding it. The thought popped into my that I should pull over to the gravel parking lot so I could look at the general splendor. So I did, and please know I am not proud of this. I walked from my car to a small weather warn dock that extended about ten feet past the shallow end of the lake and sat down in quiet wonder. I sat on the dock watching the trees, their beautiful reflection cast in the lake, and listened to the peaceful songs of passing birds. I completely missed my class. The occasional thought did pass my mind that I was missing class, but that's all it was, a passing thought. That was a huge moment of weakness in my life. I am still ashamed to even think about it. Anyway, I say that to emphasize my impulsive behavior and my need for consistency. During my time alone with God, I notice with increasing amazement that He never changes. God is the only one I can count on to stay the same. It is comforting to know God has always been and will always be amazing, patient, powerful, compassionate, holy, and just. In an ever changing world with fleeting desires, countless trends, and upgrading, God is constant.

Time alone with God

My mind started revolving around one common theme throughout the day: "Why am I stuck here?". Not only physically stuck living in this town in my parents house, but mentally stuck with selfish thoughts, worried thoughts, anxious thoughts, thoughts of what others think of me, and thoughts of comparison toward my peers in college and me. I decided to shower, and the nagging thoughts pursued me. I was comparing myself to some friends who had an evident passion and love for God. They were successful, attractive, talented, and gave God the glory for it. I worry so much about what others think of me, and waste so much energy trying to erase my undesirable traits. I want others to like me so much, and my successful friends don't have to try to make others like them for it to happen. God rose a red flag in my mind because I forgot that His relationship with me is the only one that matters. God nudged the idea that if I want to grow close to Him; then I need to listen to Him and follow Him and make an effort to know Him. My life was about pleasing others, and trying to be someone I'm not so others will praise me. So after the shower I grabbed my devotion book and my bible and I went upstairs. My quick prayer beforehand was "Open my heart to what you will teach me God". The passage for today was Revelation 1:12-16. My first thought was what am I going to learn from revelation about being selfless, and caring more about pleasing God than others? But I read on reminding myself that I was already acting like I knew what God was going to teach me. The passage was about John banished to the island Patmos. Yet he was praising God. He prayed not for an escape from the island, but he prayed for others. He worshiped God by reciting scripture instead of worrying about his predicament. (Foot in my mouth moment #1) Then God revealed heaven, and the events of the end times. But what the devo book narrowed in on was the image of Jesus described by John. The image of Jesus as the Reigning King, Holy, and the First and Last is how He looks now. The devo stated that "How you view Jesus profoundly influences how you follow Jesus. Your perception of Jesus correlates to your pursuit of Jesus.". So many times I hear the name Jesus and I picture him as beaten, broken, and dying on the cross. God showed me that the more important part of the death and resurrection of Jesus is the actual resurrection of Jesus. He is alive! Trying to worship God with the image of "beaten Jesus" in my head diminishes my view of God's power and His ultimate control as the Creator of the universe. Yes Jesus cares for us, and yes Jesus died for us and wants to have a relationship with us, but I realized how wrong I was that that was all I saw in Jesus. Jesus has control over everything, even death. When I envision Jesus as Glorious, Powerful, Holy, and Perfect God; I forget about the opinions of others. I not only know that pleasing God is more important than pleasing others, but I believe it with all my heart.

Hallelujah!

The final surgery of the year has been defeated. No words can ever express the feelings of happiness, brokenness, thankfulness, and relief. I feel so thankful God shaped me and matured me through this maddening year. I feel, almost... victorious? I think that most describes how I feel when glancing through the events of the year. It's over, and I can't help but bursting into tears as I type. I know that I will require surgery in 20 to 30 years, but that seems lifetimes away. God has been so good to me, so patient. I have been stubborn. No, not stubborn. I have been more complacent, than stubborn. I chose to ignore the wickedness in my heart. I have a real problem with patience. I hate waiting. I lose my patience with no reason. I can be very impatient with my parents. Usually it is when they are asking a bunch of questions that I think are stupid. I get annoyed very quickly. Sometimes I will stop myself and ask why I am so annoyed, and when I think about it I have no reason. Part of it is because of my add/adhd, but it's more because I chose not to see it. When I did see it, I dismissed it as "not a big deal". For awhile I thought it was just anger issues, but I know that I get annoyed more than angry because I feel like I don't have time to answer stupid questions. So that alone has been a huge struggle this year. I'm so glad God is gracious and forgiving. I can't imagine why or how God can be so patient and forgiving with us (humans). We are so wicked. I am thankful none the less. My favorite verse that sums up my years struggles and triumphs would be Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

Confronting a.d.d. in all this... wow check out that bag blowing in the wind!

My mind is so full of thoughts twirling around like little girls with pretty streamers on a sunny day. I was reading a book about a.d.d. that talked about harnessing your add-ness to develop talents and solidify a career. It mentioned also the characteristic of impulsivity in adults with add. I sort of had an aha! moment when I thought about all the awkward moments I created and people I offended when I opened my mouth without thinking. (I probably sat there for 10 minutes reminiscing with a horrified look on my face.) Everything clicked, I mean I knew I had add, but I never realized all the junk that came with it. I always thought there was something seriously wrong with me when I said something before I filtered it through my brain, because after I said it I always realized how offensive the statement I spewed from my mouth really was. I thought maybe I just haven't matured yet, because usually you hear the things I say from toddlers. Even now though, I still make the occasional faux-pas. I was waiting all through jr. high and high school for that social moment of clarity that never came. Not only does my impulsivity affect my social life, but I am impulsive when it comes to cleaning, spending money, emotions, and (during school years) homework. I knew I could get good grades. I just never got my homework done, I never studied for tests, and I always got overwhelmed and distracted when I did try. I would get frustrated and give up. I felt so stupid, I am tearing up just typing this. I was labeled lazy and uncooperative. It's frustrating figuring all this out now. I am trusting God no matter what. I am thankful I have such a faithful, gracious God who never leaves me or forsakes me.

Turning twenty in twenty ten...

The 2nd of October was my 20th birthday which calls for another entry. The first thing I did for my big 20 was watch, well really I fell asleep watching Beauty and the Beast at midnight. I was dreading this birthday, because both my brother and my dad would be at my brother's cross country meet in Peoria and mom was working both jobs that day. I knew I would be home alone all day. Not the best way to celebrate a birthday by any means. I woke up early, about 5am. My cat had been playing with a plastic bag in my room and woke me up in the process. I was definitely cranky about that. The first thought to plow through my drowsy brain was: This birthday is going to SUCK. In all actuality, it did look like a very grim day for me. God definitely grabbed me and shook me out of my selfishness with the next thought that popped into my brain ever so softly: It's only going to suck if you hold onto that thought all day. I realized at that moment in my head I was not throwing a birthday party but a pity party. I knew in my heart that I could make my day fun if I really wanted to even though I was limited to the house and only myself. So I went to a cross country meet of some great middle school girls that go to my church, and I did have loads of fun cheering for my lovely ladies and eating porkchop sandwiches and cookies. Arriving home, I plopped onto the recliner and cozied under a blanket. A friend texted me as I relaxed and wished me Happy Birthday and also invited to spend the day at scenic drive. (It's like a huge fall flea market, with yummy food and lots of fun. I had loads of fun. My birthday really was very happy. I have to go now, my dinner is waiting.

Its been a while...

I realize that I have not written in ages. I am still deciding if it is because I didn't want to, or I had nothing to write about. I am writing now because I want to, and I have loads to write about. I am currently recovering from my second hip surgery this year. God is really shaping me. He is so loving and patient and gracious, despite my stubbornness. I used to cut myself, and I would be lying if I said I never have the urge to now. But it is easier to live life with the peace of knowing God will always be with me. He will always fill the void that consumes me, and He will always love me more than I could ever feel loved. Without Christ I am nothing. And I never want anything apart from Christ. Thank you Jesus for giving me life, giving me a purpose, and saving me from my past.

Here we go again...

It's been awhile. I have missed venting my feelings and insights and funny happenings here. I feel that it is public, but not public enough where I feel I should hold some feeling back. I have been realizing throughout the day, for some odd reason, that I have an unquenchable feeling to prove myself. I think this has stemmed from the fact that growing up, I never had any dominant girl relationships. I had my brother, and my dad, and my mom and closest sister. But my aunt has four boys. My aunt is my mom's closest and only sister. Although she also lives the closest to us. Every thanksgiving was dominated by growing boys, and me. I always felt alone, and that I needed to prove that I was just as fun, even though I was a girl. My cousins and brother would get along fine, and I would either have to sit alone in my room, or play all of the games they played, only tougher and better. I have never really gotten rid of that feeling. I hate the fact that I feel I am always competing with everyone else. It is a habit carried on from my childhood. I don't like acting this way. I feel stupid, and I know it is not me. How do I get rid of this bad habit that is so ingrained in my personality, to the point where I do not feel I can survive a conversation without being the center? I want to function normally socially. I guess I should start by getting to bed at a decent time. I cannot find my medicine, and I have kind of just given up. I should probably start looking again, before I start doing stupid things due to late night, (or early morning?) boredom. SIGH.... what to do. I just realized that I need to get to why I started writing this entry. My next surgery has been scheduled. It is taking place on September 1st. I figured I would want the rest of the summer to be free. I don't know what I will be doing in my last months of freedom... but I guess the best things aren't always carefully planned ahead. We shall see what the rest of July and August have in store for me... because I have not a clue.

Camp 2010

This past week at camp has been a blessing undeserved. As a counselor, I had the opportunity to bond with jr. high girls. As the week went on, it always felt as though the advice and instruction given had fallen on deaf ears. I was discouraged and somewhat frustrated. The second to last night of camp, during cabin devotions, a girl asked the question "How do I believe?". It was that question that made my heart swell and skip a beat. So I started asking her, why she was a christian. She said because her parents and church taught her to. I began going through the gospel, and in the middle some of the other girls started to talk to her too. They took her in, and explained what christianity meant to them. I was listening to them with tears in my eyes because I finally knew that these girls had their own faith and cared for the one confused girl. We stayed up until after 11pm, passionately telling the importance of belief, and knowing for sure that we are christians. We ended up going to bed before everything was crystal clear to her, because we were all very tired. The prayer I prayed as I went to bed was that Jesus wouldn't come back until we sealed the deal with this amazing girl. The next day went on very quickly, and the girl came up to me toward the end and said she talked with some people who went to her church that were at camp. She said that they explained how her parents would die for her because they loved her and she was their child, and that Christ loved her and she was His child, so she had no reason to doubt that it was true. So I asked her, "So do you know for sure you are going to heaven?" she said that she knows and I hugged and told her I can't wait to see her in heaven! At the end of the day, when we had testimony time down at the pool, she went up and told everyone that she was a christian and explained how she knew. I cried while she was up there, because at a meeting with all the counselors and staff I asked them to pray for her because she told me she wasn't sure. So we all witnessed God's unfailing patience as she boldly testified her relationship with Christ. Thank you Lord! I am fired up now, God is bigger and stronger than any of our problems and I will never forget that!!!

Today I choose to be thankful....

I am staring out a window blocked halfway by a bush outside, and between the spaces of the dirty blinds. I see grey, and overcast depressing clouds. I have decided that the grey overcast clouds are a blessing from God. This day is only as depressing as I choose to make it. It is only depressing if I choose to ignore the amazing creation God made for me. The science behind all of these awesome clouds, is mind boggling. God not only created clouds, but He created precipitation, and condensation. He created photosynthesis. Not only is God the Ultimate Artist, for creating sunsets, and the sun, and rain, and trees... He is the Ultimate Genius for creating gravity, physics. All of the stuff we try to understand in school science class, is the very stuff my God created! He created the circulatory system, He created oxygen to sustain our lungs, and to be carried by red blood cells throughout our bodies. I cannot put enough emphasis on the awesome when I say: My God is AWESOME!!!!!!! This day is the exact opposite of depressing.

I have not posted in ages. I have been totally immersed in busyness. I auditioned for the Sound of Music, and I got a role as a nun! I am ecstatic about my nunification! I am recovering from yet another surgery. I was very sick two weeks ago, and I went to the doctor and got some meds to calm my stomach. On Tuesday I felt sick again, and I started throwing up. It was early in the morning before I ate anything so I had nothing to vomit. I puked 5 or 6 times that day. I called for another appointment with my doc and I had some tests and an ultrasound... not for pregnancy, for my gallbladder. I actually ended up puking in the doctor's office. Anyway, I got the news that I had gallstones. So Wednesday night I had my gallbladder removed. The doc also found that I had a herniated bellybutton, so he fixed that as well. I am currently recovering from all that chaos. I am also typing on a spazzed out computer screen. It is busted. It looks like someone tried to clean it with a magnet. It's hard to see anything. But I am too desperate for computer socialising to care.

I apologize...

I am very sorry for my last post. A lot of pent up, raw emotion spilled into that. I know God has something amazing in store for me. I also know that I cannot see it right now, well I really do see it... by faith. God makes me capable. God makes me beautiful. God is so much bigger than I make Him out to be, and even more than I can even imagine. I think that I take pride in making myself unfixable, because that means that I have no reason to for God to fix me. I am so stupid. God is. God was, God will always be. There are many others in the Bible that had it worse, and God made them triumph. God uses the weak to do great things, because it is so much cooler to see the incapable do the unthinkable. I am sorry God, for portraying you as weak. In no way are you weak. You are Strength! You are Power! You are God! I praise You, Lord! Fill my life, Lord, make me strong, make me wise, make me into the beautiful daughter You know is in me. Here I am Lord, send me! Thank you Lord, for giving me the life I have. I know You have given me this for a reason, and I will never be ungrateful for this life again. Your way is the best way. Use me to change the world, Lord.

Desires of the heart...

Man, as I become more mobile, I become more restless to do different activities. I want to try out for a musical, its The Sound Of Music. I would love to be in a musical again. I don't know how much I could do in regards to dancing and things. It would be so fun to experience a great production like this. I don't think I am going to do it. I need to earn more money. My time for fun and doing things I'm passionate about is over. I need to grow up. I don't want to live here forever. I don't know what I am going to do. Today is mother's day. I got my mom a card, and my brother and I made a dumb movie for her. I am going to start cleaning the house when I get done with this. I am dying for a new life. It's worth dying for isn't it? I saw some photos of my friends from where I used to live and I have this deep longing to go see them. I miss them. They are visiting their homes for the summer before their next college semester. I am just loafing around wasting my life. I feel hopeless. I feel dead. I feel lifeless, weak, and done. Done with life. It's more like life is done with me. I want to go, I want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to thrive. I hate myself. I don't mean to insult God. Because I feel like, the way I am now was not the way He origonally made me. I screwed myself up. I failed. I am pathetic. I am useless. What is happening to me. I don't want to have another surgery. The first surgery was so terrifying and scarred me for life, more emotionally than physically. I don't want to go back. I want to move on. I am 19 years old for goodness sake. I need to be on my own. Living my own life. Please God why do I have to go through this? It is so hard. I am scared, and I am alone.

Hello Blog, I missed you...

It's been awhile. So much has happened. On the 17th of April I went to a Hillsong United concert in Hoffman Estates. The experience has changed me. I sat in a balcony and saw the whole arena. Everyone worshiping and praising God without holding back really brought tears to my eyes. Singing some of my favorite songs and reflecting on all that God has done for me. I never really thanked Him for my surgery. So I danced and cried and prayed to the Love of my life. I need no one else. I am glancing out the window as I type and the sky is brewing a storm. I am ready for the refreshing tears of the sky to renew the earth. God is a genius, understatement of the year, but we spend much money on school, on classes like biology to try to understand how all of God's creation works. Botany, geology, zoology, God created plants, and rocks and animals, and they are so complicated... to the point where some fail test trying to catch up.

Peace like a river...

I went to a doctor appointment on friday, April 2nd. As you know I loathe and fear going to the hospital for reasons irrational. But the doctor told me I am allowed to walk. I was so excited I wanted to cartwheel around the hallway. I am doing well now. I was out at a friends house playing a game called Just Dance on the Wii. I had loads of fun. I am starting to feel the freedom creep back into my life. The night air against my bare shoulders is invigorating. The scent of the night air is like a drug to me. Time is fleeting, but when faced with a crisis it does not seem that way. Everyone's lives race on while I am still relearning to walk. First it felt like I would never be able to walk, now it feels like I will never be able to walk without a limp. I am thankful though that I am walking at all. God is awesome. I did something called a cardboard testimony at my church on Easter Sunday. It's where a bunch of people get on a stage and they have a square of cardboard that says something about what you struggle with on the front and on the back it says something about what God has done for you or how He has changed you. My cardboard testimony says on the front: I battled depression alone... the back says: Jesus fights my battles for me. I was crying because I was able to walk across the stage without the support of my crutches. I felt like it was really a miracle. I am grateful, I am changed. God is great.