The blessings of a brat

   I'm exhausted. I had five hours of sleep last night. One would think I'd be passed out now, but I'm determined to blog every day. (Okay so technically I missed yesterday, but better late than never right?) It's been a great day,  but I'm just in a bummed out mood. I'm looking for a new job, I have a headache, and I'm feeling some stabs of jealousy right now so I've decided to count my blessings so I'll stop being a brat. (I may as well be honest about my bad attitude.)
   Okay, here we go...
-I am a child of an Awesome, Holy, Wise, Loving, Always Forgiving, Mighty, and Glorious God. He loves me and has taught me so much through my trials. He continues to grow me into a strong woman of faith, and He gives me a purpose. I'm truly happy following God's will for my life. He loves me at my worst moments, and forgives me any and every time I ask, without hesitation. His love for me is both awe-inspiring, and baffling at the same time. He is in control and He never fails me.
-I have two fully functional hips. (It's been almost two years since my first two major hip surgeries!)
-I am gaining a wonderful education and learning so much about something I am very passionate about... music!
-I have a hard working, compassionate mother working two jobs to help pay for my education. She is an amazing cook, and she is so witty and is so quick to make a joke. I definitely got most of my humor from her.
-I have a fun father who made me into the nerdy, UFC loving, softball playing, classic rock junkie/ Trekkie that I am today.
-I have a hilarious brother who constantly quotes movies with me, shares my passion for late night comedies and Family Guy, sings Green Day with me, and makes me laugh with his dry humor.
-I have an awesome boyfriend who loves everything about me, including my obnoxious burping, ADHD, and my random sometimes hyperactive personality. He shares my passion for music; he's extremely intelligent and outgoing. He listens to me when I'm depressed, and knows just what to say to lift me out of my funk. He is selfless and

..... I'm going to get my buns to bed now. I feel much better now. Good night world! I bid you farewell, feeling much less like a brat now and more blessed than ever.

"May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit YOU MAY ABOUND IN HOPE." - Romans 15:13

New Year

   A new year! Oh dear! As I sit here fawning over the Gerard Butler singing in the Phantom of the Opera, I inhale the stale scent of chilli, ham, and various junk foods, dreading the massive atomic bomb I will have to set off to get this basement back to a semi-presentable state. I've been thinking of resolutions for the new year. The standard resolutions: "Read the bible in a year, eat healthier, exercise more, learn the guitar, glorify God in all I do, live my year with God's purpose for me in mind, and to love and respect myself more."  on my list just stare at me taunting that I won't get them done...

   It's part of my personality. I've failed so much before that it's hard for me to believe in myself to finish anything else now. God has been gracious to me though, reminding me of Moses's speech problem, Paul's "thorn in his side", Sarah's barren womb, David's small stature, Jonah's flat out refusal. God uses the seemingly useless to carry out His will. "His good, pleasing, and perfect will." This new year, I'm going to believe more in the perfect will of God more, than believe that my past failure will keep me from accomplishing all God has in store for me.

   So as I sit in my new attitude, I can't help but grin at the taunting, ever so daunting list of resolutions and taunt back. I taunt back, with a new sense of duty "My God is greater than my inability to finish things!". Then I feel a bit silly for yelling at a piece of paper...

   Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The bare facts about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

- I have adhd. It's a learning disability. While sometimes I love myself the way I am, (including my adhd and all the creativity and personality I have from it) some people don't think it exists and sometimes it makes me feel inferior and stupid. I'm just trying to get the info out, because it sucks to be misunderstood. So here are some common facts about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder...


Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a real mental health problem. This has been confirmed by more than 40 years of scientific research. In fact, ADHD affects approximately 3% to 7% of school-aged children and approximately 4% of adults.

Symptoms
The symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:

• Lack of attention (inattentiveness)
• Hyperactivity
• Impulsive behavior (impulsivity)

Some children with ADHD primarily have the inattentive type. Others may have a combination of types. Those with the inattentive type are less disruptive and are more likely to not be diagnosed with ADHD.
Inattentive symptoms

1. Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork
2. Has difficulty keeping attention during tasks or play
3. Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
5. Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
6. Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork)
7. Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities
8. Is easily distracted
9. Is often forgetful in daily activities

Hyperactivity symptoms:

1. Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
2. Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected
3. Runs about or climbs in inappropriate situations
4. Has difficulty playing quietly
5. Is often "on the go," acts as if "driven by a motor," talks excessively

Impulsivity symptoms:

1. Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
2. Has difficulty awaiting turn
3. Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations or games)

....So now you know a bit of what my life is like. (And anyone who has ADHD)

Baby steps

I can't believe I posted that yesterday. I'm not sure if my parents would appreciate the public post about their divorce, because I'm still not sure if they want it going public. No one reads my blog anyway, so it shouldn't be much of an issue. I'm okay with that though. It's so freeing to be real and public, but still somewhat anonymous to those who know me. The divide in this household continues to widen, as we no longer hang out as a family. If I hang out with one parent, I feel I am betraying the other parent. I feel guilty when I'm only with my mom or dad, because I know the other is alone. I've been praying for the split up to happen soon. I used to pray that they would get back together, but I've accepted what is happening now. It hurts worse to see them together and so indifferent toward each other. I can't stand to live in this hostile war zone much longer. I feel I am all alone. Every interaction with mom or dad seems to have some ulterior motive behind it. They are involving me in their war, and I am their ammunition. I'm trying to counsel them and support them but all the while I'm hurting and broken from the situation. God has given me a miraculous amount of strength to be able to survive this long. He has sustained and provided for me despite all the hurt. I'm still clinging to God and trusting that God will work this divorce out to help me, maybe it's to develop my character, my faith, grow me spiritually, or simply to remember that He is God. I am open to whatever God has to teach me from this situation. Even when I feel unloved by my parents and friends, I can hold tight to the promises that Jesus loves me, this I know. I will serve God in the meantime, and continue to read His word, and communicate with Him daily. I am taking baby steps like focusing on the blessings God has given me, and listing everything I'm thankful for. It helps distract me from the hurt, and gives me a positive perspective on all that God really has given me. I have a warm, safe house, a great, loving church family, wonderful friends, a creative mind, a fun sense of humor, a kitchen full of junk food, a great education, a beautiful singing voice, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a healthy body, healed hips, and a fun-loving brother. Even as I finish that list, I can't help but smile at God's goodness. Everything I have comes from Him. To God be the glory for it all.

Raw

So many things have happened since I last posted. My parents are getting divorced. Item number 1 on the list. I never thought in a million years that this would happen. I've known this for a few months, but I'm still shocked by some recent events that have presented themselves. My emotions have ranged from being angry, denial, shock, being more angry, depressed, being even more angry, guilt, betrayed, helpless, and gradual acceptance. I never knew how much I needed God until I dealt with my parents and their issues with each other. My brother was away at college, leaving me the only possible mediator between both parents. After listening to my father bash and complain about my mother, and my mother bash and complain about my father, I was left bitter toward both and feeling all alone. Between counseling both parents, working in the church, working at McDonalds, taking 7 college courses, maintaining a scholarship, and maintaining my sanity through it all, I suffocated and crashed. This trial has ground me down to a raw, emotional mess. I'm finally at peace about all of this, though it took nothing short of God himself to get me to this point. He continues to show me that only when I am raw and real with myself, can I begin to change. Just like a blister forms from the friction of, say new shoes, so forms the desire to change and adapt against the friction of life. Although I don't enjoy any of this, God is working it all together to benefit me in the end. He is growing me, and loving me even in my moments of hatred and despite my horrible attitude. When I fix my eyes on the problems surrounding me, I lose sight of God's amazing grace, and the miracles He performs daily in my life. So, dear reader, as I fix my eyes on Jesus "The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross" through "throwing off my sin" or confession my sin, and turning from my selfish desires, constant prayer and reading of God's word, I pray that you would do the same in whatever trial you face. God has been the only source of joy in my life, and He has never let me down. I finally know true joy and true peace. Only God would grant me joy and peace in the midst of the hardest trial of my life (so far).  He never changes. He was awesome before the world was made, and He is just as awesome now, as He weaves His good and perfect will into our lives. God is my life. God is my reason for living. I may fail Him every day, but God never fails me. So I bid you a fond farewell for the night. I will sleep with a thankful heart toward the goodness of God, a heart at peace about God's direction for my life, and a smile on my face, as I'm lulled to sleep to the sound of my cat snoring next to me.

~Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.~    Hebrews 12:1-2

I've almost conquered my first semester back at Sandburg! I'm majoring in vocal performance this year. Surprise surprise... so many years of wrestling God... now I know how in some small way Jacob felt. I love pursuing my passion, knowing it is God's gift for me and His will for my life. This new experience has brought a whole new set of problems. Okay, maybe not problems per se, but more like new... obstacles God has placed before me to teach me to rely on Him. I'm in a very dark place right now to be honest. The cool thing is is that God is with me in this dark place. Sometimes I look around at all of my demons and troubles surrounding me and panic. I frantically grope the floors and desperately grasp the thin air as I blindly search for a way out of the unending darkness, perhaps just a light at the end of this terrifying tunnel would give me hope. Then I turn to Jesus and set my focus on Him, who is the ultimate goal in my life. All of my problems are blocked from view when my sight is set on Jesus. My inner demons will always be bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than me, but my God will always be bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than all of my problems and inner demons. I praise God for the deliverance from my past, and praise God for my deliverance in the future.

-2 Corinthians 1:9 "Indeed in our hearts we felt the very sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
-Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

Ages have passed...

Oh how I've missed my sweet sweet blog! I have been so busy and stressed that I haven't had the energy to blog. I have so much to tell you avid readers! The summer has been packed with awesome God-filled experiences. First was Camp Mahnamahna: I was a counselor for 6th grade girls' cabin. The week was spiritually challenging and I loved it! The energy expelled from these jr. high girls could have powered the city of Chicago for a month... but God gave me endurance to outlast the constant bombardment of hyperactivity! Next was the Cornerstone christian music festival. It was a HUGE blessing to be included in our churches' high school trip! I had the pleasure of hanging with some very close friends, writing some ridiculous songs, and seeing the birth of an awesome band called Captain Chafe! I met some outstanding, strong Christians and grew closer to God every day I attended. Just a side note... I am amazed to see where God has led me in the past year!... Anyway I got to see plenty of awesome bands like Flatfoot 56, Gungor, Anberlin, Anchor and Braille, Luminate, and Seabird. I had the pleasure of meeting some amazing guys who led worship every morning during devotions. Throughout the week God opened my eyes to everything he has in store for my future. I feel God is leading me into some sort of music ministry. So yes. Cornerstone was amazing. And last is Junior High Summer Camp, or SuperCamp! Usually the week builds in intensity toward the Friday night chapel message, but every day God graciously filled the camp with His presence. I saw many young men step up and become young men of God. Many girls renewed their commitment to Christ. God never fails! I organized (yikes) and led worship with some students for the first three days of camp. God sustained me in my disorganized hot mess, and everything went well! One night I attempted singing and playing keyboard at the same time, and I failed epicly. But God once again blessed me that night! In my defeated attitude I sulked to the cabin thinking how terrible sounded. I was so mad at myself for "ruining the worship" and then one of my girls mentioned during a small group discussion how awesome worship was every night because she knew that God was there and could feel His presence. I then began to cry realizing how near-sighted I was toward the awesome power of the Holy Spirit when compared to my abilities. Oh me of little faith! I am so glad God cares enough to discipline me! Otherwise I would be so selfish and spoiled! Well, I've blogged enough for tonight!

This is a song I wrote awhile ago, and just recently finished. It's untitled still...


Verse 1
The world is too fast paced to have real passion anymore
Its' bar's been raised much higher than my arms can ever reach.
Among the chaos of always upgrading, trends ever changing, no time remaining...
God, You are the constant in my life.
God, You are the constant in my life.

Instrumental?????

Verse 2
You were and are and always will love me despite my sin
My comfort comes from knowing You wont leave
Others may forsake me but
You promise to carry me.
God You are the constant in my life.

Chorus
God You are my Constant Peace
God You are the only constant I will never reach
Even when I see you in a whole new different light
God You never change You are the constant in my life

Verse 3
You always give me what I need, though it may hurt it's for my good.
From tragedy you show me victory
Your love is obvious in everything You've done for me.
God you are the constant in my life.

Chorus 2x,
God you are the constant in my life.

Everything good in me is You
Every part of me You have made new
And God you are the constant in my life.

 

This object at rest won't stay at rest!

I had a strange urge to write something so here we go at 1:47am. I watched Easy A and I'm listening to rock me tonight by Billy squier. I'm getting ready for cornerstone festival and somewhat tweaking about the mucho denero I dropped on weird stuff like glow hair dye and a vintage hat from salvation army. I am mellow about it now. But at almost 2 am I better be stinking mellow! Someone could bulldoze through my ketchup packet sized basement window and I would care not. I really would enjoy the breeze right now because I am steaming! Watching Easy A inspired me to really let my creative "Emma Stone" brain juices flowing. My brain juices are kind of spewing out my nogin with little control sorry! I am a witty person and I love to make people laugh. More often I find myself struggling with the insecurity that most guys don't appreciate a chick with a strong personality such as mine. I mean I loooove classic rock, musicals, the theatre, snl, Jesus, bursting into song, and dressing up. (Plus any excuse for the former.) Only God could destine someone perfect for me and vice versa. God is in control and I'm humbled to say that I trust Him with my whole heart, soul, mind, strength, and my life more than I will ever trust myself. God never changes! It's astounding and comforting! Amidst the fast paced craziness of life and my attention span shorter than that of any line into a men's restroom, I have peace in simply knowing that my creator is just as awesome and perfect now as He was before there was time. His plan for my life doesn't change no matter how epicly I will fail! Okay so I'm starting to get drowsy finally! So I am retiring to my chambers. I bid you all a fond farewell as I close my blog entry with a full heart, peaceful mind, and bobbing my head to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Goodnight all. Or good morning? Whatever. Either way I need sleep!

More about music...

Sigh... so I have the chance to lead a group of middle school students in a youth group worship band this summer. Amidst my apprehensive worries for organizing set lists, rodeo-ing junior high students, and insecurity of add, God has really sustained me. He is teaching me that no matter who I become, no matter how horribly I mess up, He is still in control. He makes everything work out so I will grow closer to Him, remember that He is my ultimate prize, and remember that I never need worry. No matter where I go, or don't go, God is using me for His glory. I will always achieve His will because even in my failure, God brings blessing, growth, and legacy for my future. I don't have to be the greatest, because God doesn't need the greatest. He just needs my faith, and He will help me move mountains. I know very little about the technical aspect of music. I took piano lessons for a few years up to 5th grade, which hardly qualifies me for any sort of leadership position in music groups. No playing of the 10 stringed lyre for me... but that's okay. God needs only my heart in worship, which requires no talent whatsoever... or strings.

Melodies in my head

A whirlwind of blessings and heartaches have blown me away since I last wrote. Amidst it all God has been soo loving and patient with me. I have been struggling with anxiety ever since I reacted to pain killers and hallucinated during my first hospital visit in January of last year. During that visit I hallucinated about terrorists in the hospital, one of my coworkers stalking me around the hospital and trying to kill me, I saw people staring at me in the reflection of my hospital room window, and countless other horrifying things that affected every rational part in me. I have never really recovered from that yet, even now I'm crying as I recall how terrified I was. I have noticed that I am somewhat paranoid (though by a much smaller degree). It's very difficult to be myself for fear of people I don't know watching me. I get very anxious when I go shopping, because I imagine people watching me to see if I steal. I love to sing but hate singing in the car because I don't want people driving by to see me singing. It is impossible to trust God and live in constant worry and anxiety. Much that I do is second guessed, and scrutinized, and compared so much that I feel like a shadow of who I really am. It is very hard to be honest about this, especially to God.  I realized I cannot follow God if I am not honest with Him. He already knows me inside and out, but I didn't want to admit to God or myself that I was hurting inside, which tore me away from Him. I am giving God control of everything from now on, and He is healing my doubting heart. I draw strength from His promises, and confidence in that God created me the way I am for a purpose and He makes me beautiful. God's love is unavoidable! And... (BIG blessing alert)... I have half of my college tuition paid by a grant! In April I applied for a Music Talent Grant and was required to audition for the music director. I sang "What Do I Know Of Holy" by Addison Road. My doubting heart gave up hoping for the award after about 2 weeks of waiting impatiently. But I received a letter 2 days ago stating I was awarded a half tuition! God is so good! He is Jehovah-Jireh!

Guarding my heart

It's been awhile since my last entry... not much has happened these few weeks. I have been working at mcdonalds more, embarrassing myself and enthusiastically pouring my energy into jr. high youth group, and singing with the church band every other Sunday. Although it has been an amazing blessing bouncing off the walls with middle schoolers, using the gifts God gave me in singing, and working more to earn more moolah toward fall tuition; it has been exhausting. So on my first free Saturday night in eons, I was elated to be going out with friends. We decided on trekking to a new club specifically for young adults under 21, so no alcohol served whatsoever. An alcohol free night of girl time and laughing at my awkward attempts at dancing seemed too perfect! We arrived at 10:30 at a college campus and searched the for some friends that would walk us to the club. My stomach dropped when we found our male guides whom I never met, and they told us we were going to hang out somewhere close until it opened. My stomach continued to sink even further while we followed them and deflated when we entered a frat house. I started feverishly praying for guidance and safety and wisdom and the Peace of God. We walked into a room decorated with beer labels and college guys surrounding a pool table playing beer pong. I knew right away that my night was over. I had to go. I texted my dad to pick me up and prayed for strength to take a stand, and testify my relationship with God without shame. I turned to my group and told them that I couldn't stay. I studied their faces as I told them that this was against everything I stood for. That it was my personal decision to leave. I told them that drinking was not my thing. As I stumbled through the rest of my explanation, my friends looked disgusted. And for the first time in my life, I did not care what they thought or said about me. It was freeing. I truly knew and believed with all my heart and soul that God's approval was more important and way more fulfilling. I told them my dad was picking me up. They decided to stay but I assured one of my other friends who told me she was uncomfortable, that she could come with if she wanted. The hardest part of that situation was not deciding to leave, but how to leave. Explaining my reason for leaving was most difficult. I didn't want to ruin my testimony by acting arrogant, but I did not want to be ashamed. Even though we left soon after and even if the club turned out to be legit and legal, staying would have been compromising. The emotions raging through my heart were so conflicting. Though I was sure of my decision, I left with a heavy heart. There was no victory music playing in the background. Although I stepped out in faith, I didn't feel as though everything would be ok. I am still concerned about my friends, and their salvation. Through it all God has graciously carried me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. God is so mighty to save. He continues to deliver me and I am thankful for his unending patience and grace for me. I have prayed for God to remain my focus each day, and asking for less of me and more of Him. Please pray for me and my relationship with these friends as I continue to witness to them.

Music.

I love singing. Anywhere, anytime. I sing with our church's worship band every other Sunday. I sometimes burst into song mid sentence, regrettably, when I hear anything that resembles a song title, lyric, musician, or if a song is looping through my thoughts. I have unofficially diagnosed myself with musical turrets syndrome. Anyway, God has blessed me with a voice. And throughout this period in my life, of growing, maturing, learning from mistakes, and waiting I have been trying to plan my future. I have been wrestling with God, all the while asking Him to show me His will and His plan for my life. Does that make sense to you? Me neither. While I have been planning and unplanning and praying for God's will to be apparent to me, I have been ruling out any type of worhip/ music ministry. The reason being that I can get so distracted when I am on stage singing Sunday mornings. I am distracted pretty much 24/7 but the difference is that when I am onstage, I want to sing every single word of every song and mean it with all of my heart. I feel so fake when I am trying to praise God, but my mind is miles away thinking about stuff like- hitting the right notes, where is the glare on the wall coming from, did I leave my straightener on this morning, and I don't even realize it. Then I feel bad for not focusing on God, and then I wonder if anyone could tell I was distracted. My a.d.d. is such a hang up for me. I am so insecure of myself because of this. I pray that God's will be done, and all this time I have been automatically ruling out what may be His very will for me. Not only am I putting my wants before God's will, but I am making God so little, powerless in my mind. I am assuming that God is not powerful enough or smart enough to figure out a way around my a.d.d. or to use it for His glory. I strive so much for control. Control over my random outlandish attention span, control over my sometimes bombarding personality, control over conversations, and control over God. God is opening my eyes to His Awesomeness. He doesn't use me despite my shortcomings for His glory. God uses all of me, especially my shortcomings, for His glory. Please pray for me that my perspective is focused outward on God and others instead of myself.

bleh

Sometimes my mind is racing. Speeding so fast I don't even notice until it crashes. My heart is weary from the rapid switch between emotions. If I am sad, it only last until I blink and notice something that floods my mind with new thoughts. I want to linger on what burdens me and scratch and claw to clutch the escaping mood, but it's gone. And then I burn with frustration because I don't understand why I can't just focus and hold my attention on one thing. It's so easy to forgive and forget because I forget more than my lungs take in oxygen. Yeah, ok so I lied a little when I said it's easy to forgive and forget. I have one issue when it comes to forgiveness. The only person I have trouble forgiving is myself. Help me Jesus. I am so broken. I am so frustrated at myself. I want to focus. I want to be able to sit still. I want to listen to others and not tune out without even realizing. What I want though, is not always what is best for me. What I need is to just be ok with who I am.

Random thought...

As a christian woman with attention deficit disorder, I need consistency in some aspect every day. I don't thrive on it I'll admit, but let's face it life is not about thriving on everything we want. Change is woven into my life because of my impulsive mind. It's very hard to resist an impulse because it is such a split second decision. For example I remember driving to a class at the community college freshman year, in the fall . I love nature, especially trees in autumn. I can't avoid driving past Lake Storey, and the infinite forest surrounding it. The thought popped into my that I should pull over to the gravel parking lot so I could look at the general splendor. So I did, and please know I am not proud of this. I walked from my car to a small weather warn dock that extended about ten feet past the shallow end of the lake and sat down in quiet wonder. I sat on the dock watching the trees, their beautiful reflection cast in the lake, and listened to the peaceful songs of passing birds. I completely missed my class. The occasional thought did pass my mind that I was missing class, but that's all it was, a passing thought. That was a huge moment of weakness in my life. I am still ashamed to even think about it. Anyway, I say that to emphasize my impulsive behavior and my need for consistency. During my time alone with God, I notice with increasing amazement that He never changes. God is the only one I can count on to stay the same. It is comforting to know God has always been and will always be amazing, patient, powerful, compassionate, holy, and just. In an ever changing world with fleeting desires, countless trends, and upgrading, God is constant.

Time alone with God

My mind started revolving around one common theme throughout the day: "Why am I stuck here?". Not only physically stuck living in this town in my parents house, but mentally stuck with selfish thoughts, worried thoughts, anxious thoughts, thoughts of what others think of me, and thoughts of comparison toward my peers in college and me. I decided to shower, and the nagging thoughts pursued me. I was comparing myself to some friends who had an evident passion and love for God. They were successful, attractive, talented, and gave God the glory for it. I worry so much about what others think of me, and waste so much energy trying to erase my undesirable traits. I want others to like me so much, and my successful friends don't have to try to make others like them for it to happen. God rose a red flag in my mind because I forgot that His relationship with me is the only one that matters. God nudged the idea that if I want to grow close to Him; then I need to listen to Him and follow Him and make an effort to know Him. My life was about pleasing others, and trying to be someone I'm not so others will praise me. So after the shower I grabbed my devotion book and my bible and I went upstairs. My quick prayer beforehand was "Open my heart to what you will teach me God". The passage for today was Revelation 1:12-16. My first thought was what am I going to learn from revelation about being selfless, and caring more about pleasing God than others? But I read on reminding myself that I was already acting like I knew what God was going to teach me. The passage was about John banished to the island Patmos. Yet he was praising God. He prayed not for an escape from the island, but he prayed for others. He worshiped God by reciting scripture instead of worrying about his predicament. (Foot in my mouth moment #1) Then God revealed heaven, and the events of the end times. But what the devo book narrowed in on was the image of Jesus described by John. The image of Jesus as the Reigning King, Holy, and the First and Last is how He looks now. The devo stated that "How you view Jesus profoundly influences how you follow Jesus. Your perception of Jesus correlates to your pursuit of Jesus.". So many times I hear the name Jesus and I picture him as beaten, broken, and dying on the cross. God showed me that the more important part of the death and resurrection of Jesus is the actual resurrection of Jesus. He is alive! Trying to worship God with the image of "beaten Jesus" in my head diminishes my view of God's power and His ultimate control as the Creator of the universe. Yes Jesus cares for us, and yes Jesus died for us and wants to have a relationship with us, but I realized how wrong I was that that was all I saw in Jesus. Jesus has control over everything, even death. When I envision Jesus as Glorious, Powerful, Holy, and Perfect God; I forget about the opinions of others. I not only know that pleasing God is more important than pleasing others, but I believe it with all my heart.

Hallelujah!

The final surgery of the year has been defeated. No words can ever express the feelings of happiness, brokenness, thankfulness, and relief. I feel so thankful God shaped me and matured me through this maddening year. I feel, almost... victorious? I think that most describes how I feel when glancing through the events of the year. It's over, and I can't help but bursting into tears as I type. I know that I will require surgery in 20 to 30 years, but that seems lifetimes away. God has been so good to me, so patient. I have been stubborn. No, not stubborn. I have been more complacent, than stubborn. I chose to ignore the wickedness in my heart. I have a real problem with patience. I hate waiting. I lose my patience with no reason. I can be very impatient with my parents. Usually it is when they are asking a bunch of questions that I think are stupid. I get annoyed very quickly. Sometimes I will stop myself and ask why I am so annoyed, and when I think about it I have no reason. Part of it is because of my add/adhd, but it's more because I chose not to see it. When I did see it, I dismissed it as "not a big deal". For awhile I thought it was just anger issues, but I know that I get annoyed more than angry because I feel like I don't have time to answer stupid questions. So that alone has been a huge struggle this year. I'm so glad God is gracious and forgiving. I can't imagine why or how God can be so patient and forgiving with us (humans). We are so wicked. I am thankful none the less. My favorite verse that sums up my years struggles and triumphs would be Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

Confronting a.d.d. in all this... wow check out that bag blowing in the wind!

My mind is so full of thoughts twirling around like little girls with pretty streamers on a sunny day. I was reading a book about a.d.d. that talked about harnessing your add-ness to develop talents and solidify a career. It mentioned also the characteristic of impulsivity in adults with add. I sort of had an aha! moment when I thought about all the awkward moments I created and people I offended when I opened my mouth without thinking. (I probably sat there for 10 minutes reminiscing with a horrified look on my face.) Everything clicked, I mean I knew I had add, but I never realized all the junk that came with it. I always thought there was something seriously wrong with me when I said something before I filtered it through my brain, because after I said it I always realized how offensive the statement I spewed from my mouth really was. I thought maybe I just haven't matured yet, because usually you hear the things I say from toddlers. Even now though, I still make the occasional faux-pas. I was waiting all through jr. high and high school for that social moment of clarity that never came. Not only does my impulsivity affect my social life, but I am impulsive when it comes to cleaning, spending money, emotions, and (during school years) homework. I knew I could get good grades. I just never got my homework done, I never studied for tests, and I always got overwhelmed and distracted when I did try. I would get frustrated and give up. I felt so stupid, I am tearing up just typing this. I was labeled lazy and uncooperative. It's frustrating figuring all this out now. I am trusting God no matter what. I am thankful I have such a faithful, gracious God who never leaves me or forsakes me.

Turning twenty in twenty ten...

The 2nd of October was my 20th birthday which calls for another entry. The first thing I did for my big 20 was watch, well really I fell asleep watching Beauty and the Beast at midnight. I was dreading this birthday, because both my brother and my dad would be at my brother's cross country meet in Peoria and mom was working both jobs that day. I knew I would be home alone all day. Not the best way to celebrate a birthday by any means. I woke up early, about 5am. My cat had been playing with a plastic bag in my room and woke me up in the process. I was definitely cranky about that. The first thought to plow through my drowsy brain was: This birthday is going to SUCK. In all actuality, it did look like a very grim day for me. God definitely grabbed me and shook me out of my selfishness with the next thought that popped into my brain ever so softly: It's only going to suck if you hold onto that thought all day. I realized at that moment in my head I was not throwing a birthday party but a pity party. I knew in my heart that I could make my day fun if I really wanted to even though I was limited to the house and only myself. So I went to a cross country meet of some great middle school girls that go to my church, and I did have loads of fun cheering for my lovely ladies and eating porkchop sandwiches and cookies. Arriving home, I plopped onto the recliner and cozied under a blanket. A friend texted me as I relaxed and wished me Happy Birthday and also invited to spend the day at scenic drive. (It's like a huge fall flea market, with yummy food and lots of fun. I had loads of fun. My birthday really was very happy. I have to go now, my dinner is waiting.

Its been a while...

I realize that I have not written in ages. I am still deciding if it is because I didn't want to, or I had nothing to write about. I am writing now because I want to, and I have loads to write about. I am currently recovering from my second hip surgery this year. God is really shaping me. He is so loving and patient and gracious, despite my stubbornness. I used to cut myself, and I would be lying if I said I never have the urge to now. But it is easier to live life with the peace of knowing God will always be with me. He will always fill the void that consumes me, and He will always love me more than I could ever feel loved. Without Christ I am nothing. And I never want anything apart from Christ. Thank you Jesus for giving me life, giving me a purpose, and saving me from my past.