Of cliches and being a hipster...

   I thought today was going to be a huge downer. First thing I have to do when I wake up is get ready to go with my mom and brother to be continue the process of applying for government housing. I was less than thrilled when I woke up let me tell you. My attitude was abominable.
   Government housing? Psh! As one of my friends so succinctly put it, "You are that poor huh?" (When I responded yes, they apologized.) After the first few grumblings and snappy responses though, I realized I was acting like a giant butt-munch. So I stopped, breathed, and remembered that this is God's plan to move my family and it is for my good.
   I cheered up even more when we got breakfast at Mcdonalds though. Nothing like some savory, deep fried, hashbrowny goodness to brighten up my day! The indigestion was totally worth it. I don't care what anyone says about Mcdonalds. It will always hold a special place in my heart... in all the clogged arteries and veins. But I digest. (Couldn't resist a family guy quote.)
   I was reading through another little known book of the bible today, Micah. Another minor book of prophecy. Hoping that something would jump out at me today and lo and behold, I found a couple verses that pretty much sum up this crazy chapter of my life.

 Micah 7:7-8
But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.
 
   "I will ri-ise, out of these ashes, rise..." Yeah, it's a song. (Musical turrets!) A good one too. You should listen to it. "Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." I put all of my faith in this. I could try as I may to grope around in this darkness and try to find a way out on my own, or I could wait on the Lord to be my light and show me they way. It will take patience. Let me (or anyone with ADHD) tell you, patience is not our strong suit. I. Hate. Waiting.
   God knows this and that must be why I'm here in this situation. He is teaching me patience. To rely on a power greater than my own (Cuz He who iiis in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will ri-ise!) that will come in the future instead of trying to accomplish things now in my ever-failing weakness. Instant gratification=Lasting Pain.
   I continue to look forward to my totally radical summer filled with serving God at jr. high camp, a convention for worship leaders, and all around epic friends and awesome-sauce activities. For realsies. (Yeah, maybe too many odd hipster words jammed into one paragraph.)
   With all my tuition paid for and OH YEAH! I forgot to mention! My financial aid has been reinstated! So now my textbooks will be paid for by financial aid which means.... this upcoming school year will not cost me a dime!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! God has totally blessed me with way more than I could ever dream of, or even hope to deserve. I give God all the glory for this amazing opportunity. Now I can focus on saving money for the college I transfer to... or whatever God has planned in my future.
   I must be at work at 8am... which is in less than 6 hours. I must be off to bed soon. I leave you with this verse that pretty much sums up the cry (of joy and thankfulness) from my heart right now. God is good, all the time, and I am undeserving (but grateful) of every bit of it!

Micah 7:18-19
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

D-D-D-D-D-Dora!

   I am restless. (Chick with ADHD... Restless??? Naw, never!) I was reading through Amos today. Yeah, Amos... it's a book of the bible... No one ever quotes the book of Amos. In a bible study, where everyone goes around the room and says their fav bible verse, no one ever says their favorite verse is from the book of Amos... my point? Little known book of the bible. I'm going to be honest, I never read it.Go look it up. It's there, I promise. But I digress... Amos is a book of prophesy and it is kind of depressing. Lots of prophesy of punishment and doom and gloom and meh...
   So I was reading Amos today and just couldn't connect. You have those days where it seems nothing you read in the bible is relevant to your life? Ashamedly, I have. A lot. ...So come on... Admit it... You have too... Did you admit it? ...Yeah? ...Don't you feel better now?? ...Does blog post feel like an episode of Dora the explorer? (You know where Dora asks a question and waits for you, the audience, to respond but you never respond because you're too old and too cool to throw all caution to the wind and talk to a tv? I feel like this entry is just like that.)
   I was praying earnestly that God would open up my foolish eyes so I could see what in the world is in the book of Amos that He could possibly want me to learn today. (I felt like one of the disciples trying to understand one of Jesus' parables.) God blessed me tonight, and He revealed some wisdom from Amos.
   That's actually not the point of my post today. Psyche! Sorry if that's disappointing. The point today is, MAN am I restless for God's presence!!! I feel like every day is a fight for my faith. Every day is a struggle to seek God, but, by the grace of God, I don't give up.
   I haven't felt God's presence in a while... Does that make me a bad christian? Is my heart far away from God? Am I doing something wrong? Is it my fault? Is God punishing me? Every single day, though, those questions bombard my brain, making me feel helpless and inadequate. The answer to all of that is no, thankfully. Maybe I don't feel God's presence because God is growing me spiritually.
   In a podcast I've been listening to, Dr. John Coe explains it best. (BTW I highly suggest listening to him... the podcasts are lengthy but totally worth it. Link shall be at the bottom... Not the character from Zelda, but a link for the podcast... Oh boy it is time for bed...)  Basically he says that as soon as we become Christians, we are like newborn babies. Just like a newborn baby with a bottle, we are fully dependent on God and His presence to keep us growing and healthy. As we grow we need to be weaned off the bottle (God's presence). Because nowhere in the bible does it say that we need to feel God's presence in order to be near Him.
   God is just weaning me off the bottle, but right now I am feeling withdrawal. I have to say though, that I really don't need to "feel" God's presence to know He's there. He's in me, He's all around me. He's growing me and forming me into all that His will requires me to be. I will seek God, not for the reward of feeling His presence, but because I love God. I desire to know Him more, to please Him, to love Him, and to be loved by Him more everyday. I am not giving up. I have faith.
   I am restless for God, and holy moses, it is an awesome feeling.

Amos 4:2 
The Sovereign Lord has sworn by his holiness: "The time will surely come when you will be taken away with hooks, the last of you with fishhooks.

...See?! I mean... fishhooks?! That is pretty morbid in my opinion... and painful... okay but here is the serious verse from Amos that I loved....

Amos 4:13
He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, and who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn to darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth— the Lord God Almighty is his name.

...Just a reminder of how Sovereign and Powerful and Awesome and Huge our God really is. Not only is He the lover of my soul, but he is the fighter for my soul. He will and can not be messed with.

 http://www.biola.edu/spiritualformation/lecture/ 
(It will take you to a page with a bunch of links under a bunch of titles, just click on the one that says audio. I suggest you take a listen to them all, but my favorites are the ones titled "Drawing Near to God When God Seems Far Away", and "Going on with God in Dark Nights."
 Link is at the bottom as well.

Grease is the word

   It's summer, summer, summertime... summertime! I'm trusting that God has something epic in store for me this summer. God has provided me with a job, He has carried me through another successful semester.
   Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you... I have a job now! About a week ago, I started job searching at the prodding of my mother. I was just going to humor her, but driving to my first destination I remember praying, "God I'm sorry I haven't relied on you for the small details of my life. Lord, please provide me a job. You know my needs, and I'm going to completely rely on you to provide for me even though I don't deserve your provision."
   Praying helped change my perspective a bit as I first walked into Dollar General but that was a no go. Then I went over to Big Lots and another no go. Then just for a good laugh, I went to a tanning place practically blinding the poor employee with my glowing, transparent white skin, and obviously that was a no go. So I walked down to Goodwill. I applied there a month earlier but heard nothing so I was wary to try again, but I remembered that God is in control so I walked to the register and asked for an application.
   The cashier handed me one and the manager happened to be standing a couple aisles away and told me she had never done this before, but she wanted me to fill it out in the store and she could interview me when I was done. Yeah... after regained my consciousness and picked up my jaw off the floor, I feverishly filled out all the information with my heart pounding so hard that I was sure everyone in the store could hear. I thanked God for working this out so far as I finished signing my name and turned my application in to the manager.
   She took me back to her office and I remember feeling such an out of place sense of peace. I knew God was working some crazy-awesome scheme on me. The manager looked over the paper for about three minutes and started asking me about myself. I was completely calm and collected and answered each question to the best of my ability with a giant grin on my face due to the fact that I was still in shock, but so excited I was in a job interview.
   After a ten minute interview, the manager told me I was a great fit for their team. She said "I've never done this before but you are hired." ...Wha...What? Hired?? ...Me?? Yeah, I shook her hand and "thank you's" bubbled out of my mouth like I had eaten a mentos and drank diet coke at the same time. I walked out to my car rather dizzy and sat inside and started crying. I bawled like an animal rights activist during a Sarah Mclachlan commercial. I had never experienced a literal, almost immediate, direct answer to prayer. I consider all of that a miracle straight from God. I have a job now, not because of anything I did, but because of God.
   I've learned through all of this that God is listening to my prayers... oh yeah, I know, big revelation huh? But whatever hits me in life, my first reaction is never to talk to God about it. God has shown me through my lack of prayer, where my priorities lie.
   No matter what I have to say now, I'm completely honest with God. Some days, I have to tell him that my heart isn't in the right place, and I'd rather be doing something else, but I'm tired of trying to fool God and myself by not praying or by praying what I think He wants to hear. God wants my honesty and my devotion and I'm hopelessly devoted to Him... okay yeah that's a song from Grease... yeah, I used to fast forward through the entire song too when I watched the movie... Yeah... I'm a music geek. I know. But, hey! God created me that way and I'm okay with that! I think it at least keeps these posts a little interesting, right? Okay I'm going to stop typing now, here's a few verses for you today...

Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Psalm 107:28-30
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

Matthew 21:22
And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.

Remind Me Who I Am

                                                         Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray.
   Holy Moses this song has been played so much on Air 1, and usually I despise over-played songs on the radio, but this song has spoken volumes into my life. I forget who I am in the midst of my struggles. I forget not only who I am but who God is. It's funny how tragedy and pain can really bring out one's true self.
   I can handle pain. Physical pain. The seven surgeries I've recovered from brought me closer to God than I thought possible. I thought it was rough at first but God really opened my eyes to His awesome power and provision.
  Emotional pain is a completely different story. I'm an emotional person. Right-brained people usually are. I think I am super creative because I draw from my emotions. My first reaction to a situation is emotion. I rarely analyze or criticize or any of those words ending with "ize". I just feel.
   It's probably why I'm so naive and gullible... don't tell anyone I said that... or else I will get a lot of people trying to get me to look up gullible in the dictionary to see if it's there... and after multiple searches in various dictionaries, I can proudly say that gullible is in fact listed in the dictionary.
   So this whole ordeal with my parents splitting up and my dad now living in Moline has really crushed my very heart, spirit, and soul. To me, seven surgeries seems like a cake walk compared to this stuff now. In my panic to keep control, I've forgotten my Creator is already in control. I hate looking and feeling vulnerable so I do my best to handle things on my own... I hate crying in front of people, actually crying at all. I try so hard to maintain this appearance of a controlled, strong, emotionally tough woman in order to prevent myself from being hurt. The problem is, I'm not. I know it, and God knows it. In my struggle for control, I push God aside assuming that once I've got myself under control, once I'm strong enough, God can use me.
   It's been a struggle to let go of the wheel and relinquish control to God. I blame my musical turrets for this, and I cannot believe I'm doing this, but Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" popped into my head. I'm sorry, it's just so cliche and corny to me. God has control of my life whether I "let Him take the wheel" or not. It's not like when I think I have control of my life, He has stepped back from the wheel while I try to drive and when I finally "let Him take the wheel," He sits back down in the driver's seat and regains control. Okay, less ranting, more cutting to the chase...
   Pain and heartbreak force me into a helpless state of blind depression. I forget who I am, and all I see is hopelessness. The song "Remind Me Who I Am" comes on the radio and I lift my hands (yes while I'm driving) and cry out to God. It's a daily prayer because I lose sight of who I am daily.
   In the midst of crying and singing my heart out while driving (sometimes with my eyes closed but only for a second... or three), I catch glimpses of hope. I catch glimpses of God through my pain. I tell you, experiencing God through pain and suffering is the greatest thing happening to me. Best experience in the world by far. It's intense. Okay I'm abruptly ending this super long blog entry... I'm going to bed... well I'm going to brainstorm some sort of visual, daily reminder of who God is and who I am to Him to put in my room. With that, I leave you with these verses that have brought me hope.

Psalm 18:1-3,28,35
I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies.
For You will light my lamp; The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.

Kicked in the junk

   I'm not sure what to type about today. Once again, I have very little motivation to say anything at all. A verse just popped into my head though so maybe I should share:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
  
   I'm weak. So weary of dealing with all of the negative voices in my head telling me that I won't amount to anything. Telling me I have no talent where it counts. Sure I'm funny and I can sing, but what will come of that? I'm weary of of the voices telling me that I'll never have any meaningful relationships, my marriage is going to suck thanks to my parents, I'm going to turn out just like my mother, whatever I do I will fail, I can't do anything responsible because I'm so impulsive and forgetful. The voices tell me my future is pretty grim, so I may as well just give up now and save myself the effort and heartache and pain.
   I cry out to God. Waiting for some giant revelation or epiphany to turn my life around. I'm expecting that I just need to figure out what point I'm missing, or what I'm doing wrong, fix it, and then everything will be okay. Then the week goes by and life catches up with me again, kicks me in the junk (figuratively of course cuz I'm a chick and I don't have any junk), beats me down, and in my weakness, I forget God.
   I'm slowly accepting the fact that life may never work out, but God's using all of this to make me stronger, dependent on Him, and it's all for my good. This is a low point in my life but I hold on to one thing... just like when your reading a depressing part of the bible, something beautiful happens. The most beautiful phrase in the entire bible (in my opinion.) You read something super discouraging and the you see two words... BUT GOD. For example:

Ephesians 2:3-9
  Among these we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, following the desires of body and mind, and so we were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. BUT GOD, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with him, and made us sit with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God—not because of works, lest any man should boast.

   This is a "BUT GOD" moment in my life. It's awful and painful and it sucks... but God. That's it. God is with me. God is. God was. God is to come. He's in me, shaping me, molding me, and growing me. My life is just a pile of ashes, dust. But to quote the great band Gungor, "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust." God's making this giant crap-pile life into something beautiful.
   There is some sort of worth or value in me even though I can't see it at all. God doesn't make junk from what I've been told. God created me with some sort of purpose, with worth and value. All of this is something that is easily typed, but I'm still having trouble accepting it. The one thing I'm just going to hammer into my brain is: BUT GOD.

A prayer for prayer

   Is just abnormally depressed. I can't take it. I had a wonderful time in Chicago and then life crashed right back down on me. I have zero motivation to do anything. I'm surprised I even started typing this. Parents are separated, I screwed things up with my best friend, and I just feel like an awful person. I'm running through all of the things I've failed at in life that just affirm why I'm an awful person.
   I'm going through all the things I need to do this week like homework, job searching, cleaning, filling out school papers... it's overwhelming me. I'm trying to depend on God but it's harder than ever. I've never ever felt so alone, so inadequate, and so worthless. I'm just at my wit's end.
   I know God is here. He's loving me this very second. I'm so blinded by all of this crap in my life that I can barely see Him, or even grasp that concept. 
   I just hate everything about myself right now and about my life. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have no motivation to pray. I don't even really want to pray, scarily enough... but I'm going to. I'm going to pray the hardest when it's hardest to pray. I don't know what to pray for, but I do know that I need to pray regardless.
 
 -God, life is tough right now. Satan is attacking me from every angle. I can feel my attention being pulled away from You. I don't want this. I want to fight it, but I have no fight left in me. I have nothing to offer you and I barely have the energy to talk to you. My hope is slipping through my fingers. I don't know what to ask of You. This is a time where I can only let the Holy Spirit discern what my heart is crying for me. I have faith that you know what I need and that you will provide according to your will. I'm just so depressed and broken-hearted. My problems are stacked like a great wall in front of me with no way to pass it. The word "impossible" just flashes across my brain in giant, red, capitol letters. Please give me peace, and wisdom to sort out all the nonsense my head is telling me and to listen to your truth. I don't know what else to do anymore, God. I'm just worn down. There is nothing left of me. Please fill me, restore me, heal me, love me. I need you. I need your love to shine and burst through my darkness.
Amen


Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Time may change me...

Sunday Sunday Sunday! Church was wonderful today. The message was targeted toward non-married young adults. Hey that's me! Our pastor talked about the benefits of remaining single. He listed many examples of men and women who impacted the world for Christ who never would have done so if they were married. It was all rather interesting. Before the service, I foolishly thought I would gain nothing from the message, but once again God graciously proved me wrong. (Thank goodness!)
   As I walked to my car after the service, I overheard some girls my age intensely discussing how they wanted their marriages to work. One said, "I'd rather not be married at all, than marry someone who will end up divorcing me."
   I laughed inside at the intense passion flowing from that statement. It reminded me of my stubborn remarks I used to make in elementary school. I would loudly proclaim with a disgusted look on my face "I am NEVER getting married!" (I was never the kind of girl who planned my wedding when I was young. I played softball and climbed trees and competed with my brother. I burped at meals (I still do, sadly enough), collected Pokemon, and watched wrestling. I hated being a "girly girl".)
Wow, I really went off on a tangent there! ANYWAY, those girls in the parking lot may have completely missed the point of the message. The message was mostly directed at non-married young adults, but it was more about being content in whatever situation of life God has placed us in and being open to the fact that God wants to use us just as we are right now.
   He wants us to serve Him in every circumstance. Not just "when I'm older", "when I've finished college", "when I move out of my parents' house", or "when I get my life in order." Time may change me and make me a better person, but God wants to use me to impact the world RIGHT NOW!
   It's refreshing to know that God has a specific purpose in mind for this weird, sometimes depressing, chaotic transition in my life. What I'm going through now is not only helping me serve Him in the future, but it's helping me serve others where I am right now as well!
   I don't have to wait to change the world. (Or as John the D-Bag Mayer put it, "Keep on waiting for the world to change.") God can use me now. Even though I feel unqualified, unorganized, immature, irresponsible, ever-failing, distracted, naive, weak, and sometimes unwilling, God is using me for a purpose greater than I can fathom. God doesn't want me to be miserable while serving Him either! He will give me joy, and I trust God will strengthen me when I'm weak.
   God loves even a dork like me, (Ooh how profound! I used my blog title in my blog! That's sarcasm of course.) but God can also use an incapable dork like me to change the world!

Acts 2:25-28
I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, you will not let your holy one see decay. You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence

Ch-ch-changes!

   My room is clean. Let it be knownst to the world that my humble basement dwelling is officially tidy! What's the occasion you ask? My response is... Why does it have to be an occasion for me to clean my room?! ....Okay, okay yeah there is an occasion. Apparently my parents want to get the house ready to sell.
   BAM! (That was reality slapping me in the face.) Get the house ready to sell?! That means packing. That means cleaning. That means finding 3 year old pizza fossilizing under my bed. Ancient, dirty socks crawling toward me, gasping for air. Dust bunnies hopping out of the dust pan and turning sweeping into a dust bunny rodeo. Most of all, it means I need to start thinking about where I'm going to live...
   My bitterness, anger, and pride tell me I'm never living with my parents again. My empty bank account, unemployment, and lack of nearby relatives tell me to swallow my pride and choose a parent to live with. That's like asking me which arm I want cut off. Dramatic? Yes. But when I love and dislike both parents equally, it's exactly what I feel like is happening to me.
   Once again, I'm relying on God to carry me through this and strengthen me according to His will. He's got a plan for me, and He's delivered me enough from all sorts of trials that I trust him completely. I'm still sad about moving... again, but wherever I go, God will be with me.
   I finished my 30 days through the new testament journey a while back! I can't believe I did it quite honestly. There were points where I was behind and I was frustrated with myself to the point of giving up. God totally gave me self control to finish. (Now I have the rest of the year to read the old testament to fulfill my new year's resolution to finish the whole bible in a year!) Maybe I should amend that resolution to finish earlier...
   Tomorrow starts lent. A great opportunity to sacrifice in some small way to serve God and focus on my relationship with Him. I'm rather excited to delve into the word, meditate on it and pray more diligently. I've realized that I've been living my Christian life from Sunday to Sunday. So what better time to pursue Christ more intensely than during lent right? As I settle down for bed, chugging generic mountain dew, I'm preparing my heart for this small sacrifice and my head for a flood of caffeine headaches.
 
 Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

God is the potter, I am the dork.

   I know God loves me. He revealed to me through scripture today some wisdom, conviction and encouragement. What does that have to do with the previous statement you ask? Absolutely nothing.... no just kidding. Time for a huge revelation! Are you ready? Are you sure? Are you sick of these rhetorical questions? Yes? Okay, on we go then! I know God loves me because He doesn't want me to live my life in the awful state I'm in: in selfishness, envy, bitterness, guilt, hurt, and sin. Even though I deserve to remain this awful, sinful being, God grows and matures me anyway. He loves me enough to mold me into a beautiful, strong woman of God.
   (Lord, I am your willing clay. I trust Your potter's hands to shape my heart and soul. Shape me into all you've destined me to be. Your will be done.)
   God is the potter, and I am the clay. Some times in my life though, I am stubborn, resistant to change, and a brat about maturing. I am more resembling a giant hunk of...  well.... for the sake of propriety let's just say... a block of ice. It may take longer to mature and grow due to my unwilling attitude. The cool thing about God is that He always finds a way to soften us with his love and grace and shape us despite our hardened hearts.
   Here is the verse I read today that slapped my unwilling soul back into reality:

James 3:14-18
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

   I've been living so long in denial about my messed up attitude. I've been "denying the truth" that I am not okay and need the Holy Spirit to work on me, and give me wisdom.
   I live pretty impulsively. It has a lot to do with ADHD, but I won't discredit the fact that it can be helped. I've also been denying the truth that I haven't messed myself and my life up too much for God to be able to fix. God is all-powerful. Don't believe me? Check out Isaiah 40:28-31. Go ahead! I'll wait while you look it up.
   Got it? Good, so yeah God doesn't grow weak or weary. No problem is too big for Him to handle. Nothing can wear God out! Even an energetic little spit-fire dork like me! Even a room full of middle school girls meeting Justin Bieber for the first time! Even... okay I guess you get it huh?
   So as you go throughout your day, ask God to reveal some truths that you've been denying for so long. Ask Him for strength to trust Him to carry you through whatever trial you are facing. Ask Him for wisdom so you may "reap a harvest of righteousness." (I always laughed when I heard the word "reap." It's just a fun word to say... try it a couple times, then say it in a high pitched voice if you need a good laugh. But I digress.) God knows what you need, and He will provide it for you.

May the force be with you

   I'm honestly at a loss of what else to say today. Life is still busy. I'm in a musical and practices have taken up more time in my schedule than I anticipated. I'm praying for wisdom to divide my time wisely and keep calm amidst the raging, chaotic torrential downpour that is my life.
   I'm almost done with my 30 days through the New Testament! I'm so excited to actually follow through with a goal. It's not very often that I set a goal, let alone achieve it. It's all by God's grace that I've come so far honestly. I could never do that on my own.
  Totally unrelated, I saw Star Wars Episode I in 3- D today. It's been awhile since I've seen it, and I almost forgot how geeked I get in the presence of Darth Maul. The rest of the movie is okay, but Darth Maul just fascinated me just as much now as he did then.
 Sunday is coming to a close. I have to say that I loved the church service this morning! The pastors are preaching a series called Extreme Family Makeover. It's funny how God works stuff together like that. His timing is impeccable. Every message in that series has spoken to me and helped me heal a little more. God is taking care of my broken heart, and I am just in awe of Him.
  God is good when I am not. He is faithful when I fail him. God loves me when I turn from him. He is my life. Why would I follow anyone or anything else?! No matter what, I'm following him. The lyrics from this song pretty much sums it up for today.

 10,000 Reasons -Matt Redman
  
"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

    God has been fanning the flames in my life and now I'm going to let them burn. He has set fire to my passion and purpose in life. I cling to the promise in 2 Timothy 1:6-9, and hope to live up to it for the sake of Christ. Who I am on my own will never fulfill God's purpose in my life. His spirit in me sustains me and makes me so much more than who I could ever hope to be on my own.

 2 Timothy 1:6-9
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,

Eye of the tiger

   I'm fighting so hard for my life right now. (Cue Rocky Theme Music)  I realize that there is so much spiritual warfare going on in my life and my parents' lives as well. For some reason, Satan really wants me depressed and distracted from God and his plan for my life. Punch after punch of parental issues bombards me and stuns my ability to react and guard myself against them.
   I'm groaning to God for strength to guard my heart and defend myself from Satan's attacks. I'm praying for awareness and wisdom to realize when I am attacking myself as well.
   I thought that my surgeries were the hardest trial I would ever face, and I was dead wrong. I'm in a raw emotional place once again, but the weird thing is that I have joy. I have joy in Christ because he is on my side. He loves me no matter what. He's never leaving or forsaking me, no matter how much of a doofus I may be. More than ever, God has sustained me and brought me peace.
   I have hope amidst this seemingly unending emotional knock-outs, God is molding me and shaping me into a strong woman to accomplish His will. I don't know what it is yet, but I know that what I'm going through now is preparing me for it.
   I don't want to lose myself amidst all this chaos. I don't want to forget who I am. I'm trusting God from now on even though I feel like I'm sinking in despair. Even in the pit of my despair (yeah I thought of the Princess Bride when I typed that and totally did not intend it), God is next to me, carrying me, loving me though I may choose to ignore it. He is still in control.
    It's time to stop drowning and start kicking my legs and swimming to the surface. Instead of focusing on how awful this situation is, I'm going to start focusing on loving God, loving others, and loving myself. I'm going to live my life with purpose... God's purpose. (And know that even if I don't come out of this fight victorious, I know that Christ already came out victorious on my behalf.)

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Welcome to my life

   I'm not really in the mood to blog today, but it's been awhile since I've posted so here goes nothing. My parents continue to become more hostile toward each other. It's hard to avoid hearing them even when I'm hiding in the basement now. I've just learned to leave whenever it happens.
   The hurt inside has started to grow numb and doesn't affect my life as much but hurts nonetheless. I'm leaning on God now more than ever, if you need some silver lining from this grim post. My friend and boyfriend have loved and supported me through the entire experience.
   Divorce sucks. The whole family has become involved in our business and have taken sides. I've decided to remain neutral but apparently my family counts that as disloyalty. One relative has told me their opinion about my parents and it disturbs me that they even knows what's going on let alone have to tell me their opinion on the matter that has nothing to do with them. It's obviously not helping the situation so why say anything at all?
   The need for justification can drive people to do crazy things. When a person needs to feel justified in his or her actions, they seek affirmation from others. When one stops feeling the need to be justified, they can start to heal. I can try to convince myself that how I live my life is okay, but if I don't believe it, I'm never going to move on to make it better.
   I wish some people would figure that out. I'm so sick of being conspired against. I'm sick of my parents making each other look bad and feel bad so they can feel better about how they react toward the situation. I'm sick of how they and other people do the same thing to me.
   I've been justified through faith so that's all the justification I need. God's got a specific purpose in mind for my sufferings. I may never know why but I'll give him the glory anyway. This hope that I have won't put me to shame, so I will continue to hope in God even when the world calls me foolish.
   Well that's enough venting for one night. I'm in much need of some sleep. Goodnight world.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Worship leader... me?

   Oh dear today was a busy day! The life of a music major can be quite action packed. Let me give you some insight into my routine for today...
    Piano class at 9am, Ear training at 10am, Music Theory at 11am, Comp 2 at 1pm, Choir from 2:30-3:45, voice lessons from 3:45-5:15. Then I rushed over to church for worship team practice at 6:30 to about 8:40. (I am leading worship for the 11am contemporary service this Sunday morning. [*Girly squeal!]) (Yeah I used brackets inside parenthesis, and yes it was thoroughly awkward but I'm leaving them. So there!) Needless to say, after about 2 hours of homework and some bible reading, I am exhausted! Today has been so awesome though!
   I led the practice for worship band tonight which was horrifying until we got started. I was afraid that my short attention span lack of organization skills, would make me a bad leader. A good friend helped me through and God blessed me with some focus! I'm super uber excited about the service this Sunday!
   God has been so good to me this past week. I have been anything but obedient or willing to please Him. I've just been a bit depressed and unmotivated to do anything, and complacent with where I was. I broke down emotionally in the car on my way to walgreens, and just prayed straight from the heart and cried.
   I don't want to lead this Sunday's service with a selfish attitude or any motives to give myself any glory or praise. I have issues with wanting to please others. I crave the applause of anyone and everyone. I've just been intensely praying that I would do all this for the glory of God. His applause is the only applause that ever matters.
   I want to bring glory to God because He deserves it sooo much more than I! Without God, I would just be a "funny girl." I would be so shallow. God gives me depth of character. Everything that is good about me, is because of God. All my goodness comes from God!
      I also have issues with insecurity. I'm extremely nervous about the service. (That soooo rhymed and made me unnecessarily excited!) I want to do well, but I'm afraid that who I am is not good enough to lead a whole congregation of church goers in worship. I'm scared! I'll admit it! When I look in the mirror, I see a 21 year old punk who is not very smart, pretty naive, and unable to handle such a huge responsibility. I'm praying for the wisdom to see myself as not just an incapable sinner, but a sinner saved by grace who can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
   I asked forgiveness of my sins that I had forgotten to repent, or had been to arrogant to acknowledge as sins. I prayed for healing from all the situations that I have let damage my heart. For some help guarding my heart from any more attacks waged by anyone else, and especially myself. God never fails. I'm so thankful for His forgiveness! I continue to hold tight to His promises and live His will for my life. I pray you do too dear reader.

Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them? For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Oh, hi there! I'm back!

   Seven days have gone by without a post?! Oh I do apologize! I've been in a funk lately. Too lethargic to blog or do much of anything. This past weekend has just been filled with activities! Let me fill you in, dear reader:
   I left for a weekend winter retreat for junior high students on Friday. This retreat was at Faith Bible Camp and had a few other churches there as well. I ended up being a counselor in a cabin of eight 7th and 8th grade girls with two other high school junior counselors. Are you starting to connect the dots? That means that I was in charge of a whole cabin! When I first found out, I was rather intimidated. In fact, I was downright panicking. I was certain I could not handle it. (I can barely take care of myself, let alone 8 other girls.)
   After my initial panic attack, the room stopped spinning and my head cleared. I realized that God was providing me an opportunity to grow. I have spent so much time fretting, crying, beating myself up, just trying to survive in my own house, and this retreat was the perfect chance to heal by administering to others. It is better to give than to receive, and it is better to serve than be served.
 I led cabin devotions (prepared the about 10 minutes beforehand), woke the girls up at 7am, and even woke myself up at 6am! I bonded with with some 7th grade guys over favorite superheroes, debated with them over the status of heroes like Batman, Ironman, and the Green Lantern in light of the fact that they don't have any superpowers. In my opinion, of course they are superheroes! (Aquaman has superpowers but is far less useful than anyone without powers.) I watched students grow in their faith, and worship God without hesitation. I have to say the most amazing night though, was definitely Saturday night during cabin devotions. I asked the girls some questions about the message which had to do with choosing to follow the world or following God.
   I asked them point blank, "If it's so easy to follow the world, why do we follow God?" I expected a lot of silence and some Sunday school answers but the girl's answers astounded me. Some talked about being angry at God when a friend died, but they realized God may have a bigger plan in store for them and others through their friend's death. Some mentioned being a Christian all their life and never "getting it" until they went to camp during the summer. They finally made their faith their own and not their parents. Some mentioned that they know God loves them so much and forgives them whenever they ask. They never experience that kind of love anywhere else. All of them said that nothing else makes sense. Their lives following God is more fulfilling than doing whatever they want. I hated to cut the discussion short, but being the responsible adult counselor, I knew that 12:30 am is a little late to be awake.
   As I flicked the lights off and uttered some scattered "shh's" while I slid back into my bed, I teared up. My joy was just overflowing. For the first time, I knew that what I had mentioned in small our small group discussions at youth group had not been ignored. I felt useful. These girls were actually listening to me and apparently what I was saying was having an impact on them.
   I give all the glory to God of course, but I mention this because I have been feeling so useless. I have been thinking that my purpose in life is just to entertain people. I hated who I was because I didn't think I was smart or articulate enough to get through to these girls about God's love for them, that all I did well was make people laugh. God revealed to me that even if I really was stupid and inarticulate, He could still use me to impact the world. After all, using the under-qualified is His specialty right?
   Through my transition from introversion to extroversion, I realized that I was so much happier. When I stopped worrying about myself and trying to fix myself, God started to heal me. Now that I have poked my head out of my shell and have gazed upon the miraculous world around me, I can see the big picture clearly. ("I can see clearly now the rain has gone! I can see all obstacles in my way... It's gonna be a bright -Bright!- Bright, sunshine day! ... Musical turrets strikes again!)
   God really impacted everyone during the winter retreat. I am so thankful I got to serve in it. God is so good! He's renewed my sense of purpose, and my relationship with Him. So many students have come home changed by this weekend because of God. It's nice to be a part of something bigger than myself. It's especially nice to be a part of something apart from myself as well... did that make sense? It did in my head... maybe not so much now that I read it... 
   The point of this is, God is working through me and using my flaws to bring glory to Him. Even my sins and horrible flaws have a purpose for God's glory?! Say what?! Yeah, it's true! God works in mysterious ways! So grab the Mystery Machine, Scooby and the rest of those meddling kids and search for the mysterious things God is doing in your life!
  

All I want is to have my peace of mind

   My weekend was crazy. I was barely home and had so much fun with my friends. Now I'm having a fun hangover. I had 8 hours of sleep total for the whole weekend. (I'm so thankful class starts at 1pm!) Now I get to catch up on all the responsibilities I shirked over the weekend. 
    Now is the time I start beating myself up for not planning my weekend better. I tell myself, "Why can't I just organize things like everyone else?!" Everyone else seems to get their homework done on time. Everyone else is responsible. Nobody spends as much time on the computer and television as I do. If I spent less time on distractions and more time on my responsibilities, I would get so much more done. Why can't I just get it together?
   I don't know but it has to stop. This weekend was so much fun, and I had no time to even worry about my parents which was a BLESSING. Now it's time to jump back in to reality and "Do work son!" I just feel horrible for how much I've avoided. It's a vicious cycle: I go out and have fun, ignore my to do list, come home exhausted, wake up the next day with the looming to do list, and k.o. myself with guilt beatings. 
   I pray for peace of mind and the ability to be gracious toward myself. 

1 Peter 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
  
  

Direct from God

    Today's blog is brought to you by: a broken blogger. I was in Luke today, reading more about Jesus and His ministry on earth. I was amazed by how relational he toward everyone. Some people came to Jesus only to be healed, with no intention of following him. Jesus knows their hearts, but heals them anyway. I'm the kind of person that would be plaguing others into submission if they didn't follow me. "Oh you don't want to go to church today?" BAM! "Have fun with those boils and sores then!" -Yeah I need to work on that...
   The bible says that even "sinners" are nice to people who are nice to them. (That in itself is a challenge for me sometimes!) A true follower of God is gracious to everyone. So guess what I'm working on today? No, not my car... although the door does open itself while I'm driving sometimes (I'll save that story for another time)... I'm going to work on grace. Not because I want people to like me, but because of God's grace toward me. 
   I am so undeserving of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, but Jesus died for me anyway. I want to be like Jesus. I'm going to worry less about failing Him and work on serving Him and others more. I'm going to fail every day in one way or another, that I know. As long as I repent and remember God promises to forgive me, I have no reason to hold on to the guilt. 
  Today is the day I focus less on myself and more on others. Today is the day God becomes the motivation to press on toward my goals. 
   "Jesus, be the center. Be my source. Be my light, Jesus"

Luke 6:27-31
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus... and nutella

It's Saturday! In the words of my favorite sponge, "Good morning Bikini Bottom!" Wow, only two hours ago I was eating fruity pebbles and laughing about boys with my best friend! Okay so the fruity pebbles were actually the generic kind. They are called fruity dyno bites! Isn't that exciting?!
So anyway... Today I am off to a choir retreat at 8 am, otherwise I would have slept for more than two hours. I'm about to max on a delicious homemade breakfast that includes homemade nutella, cinnamon rolls, sourdough bread and muffins! Yeah be jealous because not only am I about to eat most likely the best breakfast in history, I'm going to eat it with the coolest choir people in the world.
I've been praying for friends my age ever since I moved to Galesburg and I finally feel like I belong. Sure
most of them aren't Christians but that's part of the great commission right? My friends know I am a Christian and yeah I get jabbed for it every once in a while but it's worth it. They love me for who I am, and they respect my beliefs. Not because I shoved it down their throats when I met them, but because I formed a relationship with them.
So many Christians treat the unsaved as if the only goal is to save them. It's all about the product and never the process. But I've found that Christianity is a lot messier than that. People can see right through it. I'm not saying one cannot successfully witness to others without having previously met them but Jesus lived his life on a relational level. He put himself out there and let others come to him. Being a "fisher of men" requires more than just extensive knowledge about the bible. Witnessing to others requires more than a debate on religion. Witnessing is carried out through how we live our lives as well. Witnesses in court have to be reliable and consistent and upright in character in order for their testimony to be believable by the jury.
I love Jesus, and I want others to share that love that I have with Him. So today as I munch on all the homemade breakfast numminess with my buddies, I'm going to make sure to reflect the love of Jesus. I'm choosing to follow Him, and witness to others by how I live my life. I want them to see the awesome relationship I have with my Creator and say, "Dang, I want a love like that!"

Anger... Hulk Smash!

   I'm not one who usually struggles with bitterness but lately I've been very bitter toward a lot of people. I've forgiven those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me. I'm okay with them being out of my life, but I still have this gut feeling to appease them. I've always been a friend to everyone to the point where I will change myself just to please them. This is ending right now.  
   I've been verbally beat down by many people. My compassion for people and my desire to avoid conflict prevents me from confronting them. It's been an issue I've struggled with since middle school. I change to be the person my parents want me to be, the person my friends want me to be, I even try to change myself to please people who could care less about me. Why?
   It all stems from my insecurity. I feel like who I really am doesn't amount to anything. I find my worth in being well liked among people. When someone doesn't like me, I feel worthless. I've placed my identity in other people. Well guess what? I'm finding my worth in God now, and I'm done trying to kill myself by making others happy or think well of me. My Heavenly Father is the only one I need to please. His relationship with me will be the only relationship to ever satisfy me.
   My dear reader, you may think that this all is coming from a very angry blogger. You know what though? I am a little angry. I'll admit it. Not everything I post is going to be all sunshiney and rainbowy and cupcakey and other made up words. (Words that sound ridiculous but make me smile despite my frustration.) I need to be real with you. Most of all, I need to be real with myself. I can't keep telling myself that what others think of me is most important. I can't keep telling myself that I am not angry when I am. I cannot keep telling myself that I'm doing well when I'm struggling everyday. Fooling myself into thinking I'm okay is not helping me change. Fooling myself is especially not helping me heal either.
   Don't get me wrong, every blog entry has been straight from my heart, and completely true. But not all of them are going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, because let's face it, I'm human. I'm a sinner. But you know what? I'm not going to change this post just so you will be happy. (No offense)....(Okay, so I'm learning veeerrry slowly how to be my own person, because I do feel somewhat remorseful if that actually offended you.) God loves me! I love me... okay that's not completely true either, so let's just say I'm fond of me. But I don't need approval from anyone else otherwise to help me love myself.
   God has provided me with so much in these trials that I can no longer avoid it. I choose to follow God. I choose to please Him with my thoughts and actions. I'm not only going to strive to please God more, I'm also going to let Him affect and become the Lord of every aspect of my life. I'm coming back to the real relationship with Jesus that He has intended for me since I was born.
   I was saved by grace through Christ's death on the cross. Now everyday I continue to be saved by grace in my relationship with Him. God has delivered me from the depths, and I have faith that He always will in one way or another. I don't belong to sin anymore. I don't belong to death. I'm not a slave to the amusement of my parents, friends, or enemies.  I don't belong to the night. I am a child of light! To God be the glory forever and ever!

 1 Thessalonians 5:5
You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.

Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—  because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.


 

Random dancing! (Random blog title)

   Today was another day of somewhat normalcy. As I sit on the firm futon, drinking rich cappuccino and watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I wonder if this is the plateau of my healing process. Either way, God has been so good to me throughout this storm I'm weathering. I'm thankful for all of the trials and thankful for this peaceful day as well. What hasn't killed me, has made me stronger by God's power.
   I'm thankful for my hilarious friends. I have never laughed so hard around anyone else. I enjoy making people laugh, it's something I really appreciate myself for, but I dearly love to laugh as well. It keeps me from crying. (Fun fact: I actually cry whenever I laugh... tears stream down my face at even the slightest chuckle.)
   I mentioned earlier that I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just have to say, how I marvel at musicals. Whoever invented the musical is genius! Who wouldn't want to be able to burst into song and have everyone join in, knowing the melody, lyrics, and choreography without any previous practice?! I know I would love that to happen!
   That's why I love searching for flash mob videos online. I found one video of a man who organized a flash mob to propose to his girlfriend. Ah! My heart melted! I do hope I have a husband with a creative mind like that!
   It's so weird to be even thinking about my future husband. I'm 21. I'm an adult. In a few years, I could very well be married. I know nothing of God's will for my life, but I would be perfectly happy marrying in 5-10 years. Whatever God's will, is my will as well.
   I desire to transfer to Hillsong college in Australia more than anything. I want to study music, and perform. One day I hope to lead worship, or perform in a band like Hillsong United. I can't imagine "getting hitched" with a busy life like that. But my purpose remains in carrying out God's will.
   Or maybe I will end up in a movie/musical with Dick Van Dyke and a magical motor car....
 
(Oh hey, by the way... bursting into song occurred all the time in the bible...)

Luke 1:46-55

Mary's Song

46 And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."

Somewhat normal

    I had a heart to heart with my mother just now. I never knew how much I missed it until tonight. We chatted about my life. That was definitely a new experience. Not once did she bring up her problems with my dad, and for once it seemed like all was right in the world. Life seemed somewhat normal again. 
   I got to vent about all the drama in my life with her actually listening to me. She didn't judge me or tell me how it was my fault, she just listened. I haven't had that in a while from anyone. I just want to cry right now because it gives me so much hope that I am loved and cared for. 
   Some say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I just didn't know what's been missing in my life until God showed me. God blessed me with a great day today. Never mind that I have an infection and a fever. My heart is full, my God is good, and my hope is alive.
   
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.