Soul Survivor. A freakin epic weekend. Neither of those were complete sentences, but wow, I am just so pumped right now! God has blessed me with a jam-packed weekend of serving, mud wrestling (more on that later), new found friendships, and awesome time to fellowship and glorify Him together.
I left Friday evening right after work, and did not know what to expect at all. After a stressful drive there, I was a little nervous and anxious about what I was about to face. I got there and all of the students were playing these epic games that one would play, like on Survivor or whatever. They were hanging from ropes, problem solving, and it was all very intimidating but exciting at the same time.
I asked the man in charge, Jacob, (awesome bro of God... yeah... I said bro of God) what he needed help with. He pointed me to the kitchen, but they had everything taken care of... so I wandered til I found someone I sort of knew. I ran into a lovely lady, Laura, who attends the college bible study and helped her with the game she was running.
We totally bonded from the start. We have similar outgoing personalities, taste in music, and almost even the same faith story. We are both struggling with a break up... yeah... seriously. God is so good at piecing people's lives together for the purpose of fellowship and comforting. God is good, period.
So all day we hung out and chatted and then she introduced me to some awesome students who accepted me right off the bat. I had never felt so wanted or so loved. Then we had dinner, worshiped and Jacob presented the message. The message was about baggage. The theme was "What is in your backpack?" The passage from the bible was about the prodigal son in Luke 15:11. Jacob talked about the things we hold on to, like guilt, bad relationships, pain, and other things... wow. A shot straight to the heart, courtesy of God. (Shot to the heart! And your to blame, darlin. You give looove a bad name!)
It's so hard to see past my imperfections and guilt and see God's love for me in spite of all that. In my worst moment, God still loves me. Jacob said that Jesus didn't die on the cross so you to hang on to your burdens. I am free from them now. I don't have to let them weigh me down, all I have to do is trust God with them.
So then I hung out some more with a ton of amazing people, singing Relient K, Britney Spears, and various artists, all to an acoustic guitar played by an awesome broster. It was so awesome, by the way, to see so many men of faith step up and serve not only God, but the women too.
I got to participate in a small group and the discussion was led by the awesome broster who played guitar. As we closed in prayer, he asked for a volunteer but made it very clear that he wanted a man to step up and pray and lead the women. It was an epic sight to behold. There are so many times in my life I am disappointed by men who don't step up to pray or lead and leave it to the women... but that's a whole different subject...
Today I woke up at 5:40 am with my awesome bunk mate Laura. The day plugged on with more games in the morning and more worship and another message. More about the prodigal son. Well, actually it was about his brother this time. We talked about what burdens the other brother carried in his backpack. The brother placed his identity in pleasing others and his reputation. So when he realized his runaway, sleazy brother was getting a party for returning home, he was furious. He thought he deserved a party. Then small group discussion ensued and that was wonderful.
God really spoke to me about letting go of my burdens of guilt, self-criticism, and pleasing others. It is so easy to get caught up in what others think of you that it becomes an idol in your life. I love to perform, so obviously I love to please others. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't see any worth in myself, so seeing others laugh at my jokes or react to something I said or did, helps affirm that maybe there is worth in me after all. Since I don't see my worth in myself, I try to please others who see the worth in me, so that I might catch glimpses of what they see. (Pretty profound self analysis, right? It comes from years of practice. No one is better at analyzing myself than me.) I get so addicted to making people laugh that it sometimes becomes offensive, or just draws too much attention to myself. I am glorifying myself, when I could be using my words to glorify God.
Okay, then the afternoon games started. Oh boy. Let me tell you. Mud games. I got to play mud games. There was an obstacle course set up with giant tires sticking out of the ground, and four 2 feet deep water pits. This was all on a giant tarp... covered in mud. The object of the game was to run through the course, jump over the pits and run through the tires to the other side, grab as many items as you can (like basketballs, inner tubes, pool noodles, beach balls) and bring them back. With four other teams going at the same time. I got to play, and I was happier than... well... a pig in mud... pun intended.
I only slipped and fell once or four times, and got into an epic wrestling match with two leaders and a student over random objects for points for my team. I was absolutely COVERED in mud. It was all in my hair, caked on my arms, legs and back, stained in my new swim suit, and even caked in my eyelashes! Oh it was glorious! I had so much stinkin fun!
It was a wonderful distraction from my current burdens. Like, I won't
get to see my dad on father's day for the first time ever, and the other
same old burdens I've been dealing with.
Overall, God blessed me with just an epicly fun weekend. I grew closer to Him, learned more about my burdens, and got sooooo messy. Now comes the time I start analyzing everything that went on this weekend and second guess myself. It's the part where I forget how much fun I had and start to feel horrible about myself. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to focus on the blessing God has bestowed (what a big fancy word) on me. Here comes the part of my post where I give you a verse that I love! Guess what it is!!!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~My life verse!!!~
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
All my friends are getting married, and I'm just getting older.
I just wanted you to know that I'm single, 21 years old, and I live with my mom... in the basement... yeah. Go ahead and laugh. I know I have become a stereotype. I am well aware. Done laughing? Okay, moving on...
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Workin for the weekend
This weekend is going to be epicly busy. I'm praying for some peace about it. I'm giving God my worries. Here is what tomorrow looks like: voice lesson 10-11, go straight to church to make pizzas for youth band practice at 12-1:30, then straight to work from 2-8. Then on Saturday, I work from 8am-2, I'm heading straight home and packing and driving to Dahinda to help the Nazarene church in an event called Soul Survivor until Saturday. I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but I'm so excited to be serving God in any way I can! So, epicly busy, but definitely worth it! Then Father's day on Sunday! I think I'll get to see my dad!
I'm so blessed. So let's move on to today! Today I worked 8-2 at Goodwill, a job God completely provided for me. I then came home for a bit, then went to church to help my youth pastor with some odd jobs and just hang with him. Then I prepared a lesson for the jr. high bible study, which he asked me today to prepare for. I got to chill with some friends at church and watch the vbs program in full swing... which was amazing! Then I went to the bible study and led a discussion in 1 John 1:1-4.
Only boys showed up, and I think they were all going into 6th grade... that was definitely a new experience for me! I'm pretty comfortable leading jr. high girls in a bible study, but ALL boys?! It was so much fun though. There were a lot of rabbit trails, and, having ADHD, I know how to deal with (more like encourage) rabbit trails. The discussion went well, and my youth pastor was there to help me along when I stumbled.
I was blessed with a random chance to serve others, which is a breath of fresh air amidst the work work work I've been doing. My favorite part of the discussion was when we got to verse 4.
1 John 1:4
We write this to make out joy complete.
A short, seemingly ordinary verse... but with so much behind it. In verses 1-3, John is talking about how he got to experience life with Jesus. Verse 1 says "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched- this we proclaim concerning the Word of life." Obviously when John refers to the Word of life, he is referring to Jesus.
Verse 2: "The life appeared, we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." I love that he refers to Jesus as "The life." It's a snapshot right into the heart of John. John knows and believes Jesus is life. It is so clear that John makes Jesus his life. I love the passion behind John's preaching. John makes no bones about who he serves. He is concerned about sharing with others the life of Jesus.
Verse 3: "We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ." John has such an amazing relationship with Christ, that it is his why he wants to share his experiences with us. Fellowship is all about gathering with friends for the purpose of getting to know each other better, and getting to know God better. We are created for fellowship. We are created to have community with others. We are also created to worship God. Then finally we come to verse 4: "We write this to make our joy complete."
We discussed what brings us joy. For me, the thing that I love to do, the thing that makes me light up and brings me joy is performing. Singing, acting, but mostly making people laugh. I love this because I'm good at it, it is what God created me to do. Then the question was asked, "What would your life be like if your relationship with Jesus brought you the same joy that performing did? (Or whatever brings you joy now?)
I want a relationship like that. I want a relationship like John had. I want the passion for Jesus, and passion for sharing the gospel that John had. As I journey alone through this dark time, I pray for a more passionate relationship with Christ, rivaling that of John's.
Oh and here is a little bit of what I read today in my time alone with God...
Psalm 13
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
It's probably my favorite chapter in Psalm. My favorite verse is verse 2. And I love this because it's exactly where I'm at in my life right now. Every single day I "wrestle with my thoughts." As the chapter progresses, the focus changes from sorrow, torment, and sadness, to verse 5 and 6... "But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." Even in Asaph's (the guy who wrote the book) torment, he praises God, and remembers God's blessings.
No matter how crappy life gets, I will always rejoice in God's salvation. I am free. Even in my darkest times, I am free from the power of sin and death. I am saved. The Lord has been good to me. So no matter how much I wrestle with my thoughts, I pray that I will have a heart of Asaph. I pray for a Psalm 13 heart. God is good. All the time. Even though I don't love, or even like myself. God will always love me more than I can ever fathom. Hallelujah and praise God for such an awesome day.
Wow, what a long blog post! Are you still there?! If so, thanks! And congrats for staying tuned so long. As a token of my appreciation, I leave you with this video... this is what I would love to make a career out of, if I knew I couldn't fail... this woman is hilarious and spot on... just watch...
I'm so blessed. So let's move on to today! Today I worked 8-2 at Goodwill, a job God completely provided for me. I then came home for a bit, then went to church to help my youth pastor with some odd jobs and just hang with him. Then I prepared a lesson for the jr. high bible study, which he asked me today to prepare for. I got to chill with some friends at church and watch the vbs program in full swing... which was amazing! Then I went to the bible study and led a discussion in 1 John 1:1-4.
Only boys showed up, and I think they were all going into 6th grade... that was definitely a new experience for me! I'm pretty comfortable leading jr. high girls in a bible study, but ALL boys?! It was so much fun though. There were a lot of rabbit trails, and, having ADHD, I know how to deal with (more like encourage) rabbit trails. The discussion went well, and my youth pastor was there to help me along when I stumbled.
I was blessed with a random chance to serve others, which is a breath of fresh air amidst the work work work I've been doing. My favorite part of the discussion was when we got to verse 4.
1 John 1:4
We write this to make out joy complete.
A short, seemingly ordinary verse... but with so much behind it. In verses 1-3, John is talking about how he got to experience life with Jesus. Verse 1 says "That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched- this we proclaim concerning the Word of life." Obviously when John refers to the Word of life, he is referring to Jesus.
Verse 2: "The life appeared, we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." I love that he refers to Jesus as "The life." It's a snapshot right into the heart of John. John knows and believes Jesus is life. It is so clear that John makes Jesus his life. I love the passion behind John's preaching. John makes no bones about who he serves. He is concerned about sharing with others the life of Jesus.
Verse 3: "We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ." John has such an amazing relationship with Christ, that it is his why he wants to share his experiences with us. Fellowship is all about gathering with friends for the purpose of getting to know each other better, and getting to know God better. We are created for fellowship. We are created to have community with others. We are also created to worship God. Then finally we come to verse 4: "We write this to make our joy complete."
We discussed what brings us joy. For me, the thing that I love to do, the thing that makes me light up and brings me joy is performing. Singing, acting, but mostly making people laugh. I love this because I'm good at it, it is what God created me to do. Then the question was asked, "What would your life be like if your relationship with Jesus brought you the same joy that performing did? (Or whatever brings you joy now?)
I want a relationship like that. I want a relationship like John had. I want the passion for Jesus, and passion for sharing the gospel that John had. As I journey alone through this dark time, I pray for a more passionate relationship with Christ, rivaling that of John's.
Oh and here is a little bit of what I read today in my time alone with God...
Psalm 13
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
It's probably my favorite chapter in Psalm. My favorite verse is verse 2. And I love this because it's exactly where I'm at in my life right now. Every single day I "wrestle with my thoughts." As the chapter progresses, the focus changes from sorrow, torment, and sadness, to verse 5 and 6... "But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me." Even in Asaph's (the guy who wrote the book) torment, he praises God, and remembers God's blessings.
No matter how crappy life gets, I will always rejoice in God's salvation. I am free. Even in my darkest times, I am free from the power of sin and death. I am saved. The Lord has been good to me. So no matter how much I wrestle with my thoughts, I pray that I will have a heart of Asaph. I pray for a Psalm 13 heart. God is good. All the time. Even though I don't love, or even like myself. God will always love me more than I can ever fathom. Hallelujah and praise God for such an awesome day.
Wow, what a long blog post! Are you still there?! If so, thanks! And congrats for staying tuned so long. As a token of my appreciation, I leave you with this video... this is what I would love to make a career out of, if I knew I couldn't fail... this woman is hilarious and spot on... just watch...
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Prayer for peace
I'm at a crossroads. My brain is going haywire right now, trying to organize all of my thoughts so I figured I'd start writing them down. I'm missing God's truth in my life right now. I'm being swept away by my feelings and it's kind of scary. It comes down to guarding the heart again.
God, please guard my heart for me. I cannot do it on my own. Be my light so I can see the blessings around me and be satisfied. Even when I am not satisfied, let me be satisfied in you Lord. I need you. I want to be near you. Please bring to light my selfish desires. Help me to see myself as you see me. Help me to stop believing lies and start believing Your perfect truth. I know that you don't make mistakes, so I am not a mistake... so that must mean that I have some worth... but I don't believe it. God, help me to believe it. This is my prayer as of right now... stolen from a song that I sang in choir...
Prayer For Peace
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is discord, unity. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is error, truth. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is sadness, joy. Where there is darkness, light. Oh divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life. Let me sow love, pardon, unity, faith, truth, hope, joy, light. Let these be my gifts. My gifts for peace.
God, I don't want my relationship with you be clouded. I want to spend time with you for the sake of spending time with you. Let my relationship with you be pure. Your will be done in my life, in my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help me bear my burdens like Jesus bore the cross. Grant me humility, mercy, grace, and patience so I may grant it to others. Jesus, it's you that I want. I'm hurting, I'm worrying, I'm selfish. I see something I don't have, and I covet it. I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. God, let me covet you instead. I thank You for your many blessings. I thank You for being patient with me. Let me be a blessing to others so that my focus is turned away from myself. Thank you for providing me with healing. You are amazing. God, you are my Savior. Amen.
Okay. I definitely needed that. I needed to talk to God about this. So where do I go from here? I don't know... Applebees? I'm kind of hungry. But not hungry enough to shell out an exorbitant amount of money for mediocre food.
Well to answer my own question, I guess I don't have to leave... I could dwell at the feet of God in prayer for a while... yeah... I think I'm going to do that. So... until my next post... you stay classy.
God, please guard my heart for me. I cannot do it on my own. Be my light so I can see the blessings around me and be satisfied. Even when I am not satisfied, let me be satisfied in you Lord. I need you. I want to be near you. Please bring to light my selfish desires. Help me to see myself as you see me. Help me to stop believing lies and start believing Your perfect truth. I know that you don't make mistakes, so I am not a mistake... so that must mean that I have some worth... but I don't believe it. God, help me to believe it. This is my prayer as of right now... stolen from a song that I sang in choir...
Prayer For Peace
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is discord, unity. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is error, truth. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is sadness, joy. Where there is darkness, light. Oh divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life. Let me sow love, pardon, unity, faith, truth, hope, joy, light. Let these be my gifts. My gifts for peace.
God, I don't want my relationship with you be clouded. I want to spend time with you for the sake of spending time with you. Let my relationship with you be pure. Your will be done in my life, in my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help me bear my burdens like Jesus bore the cross. Grant me humility, mercy, grace, and patience so I may grant it to others. Jesus, it's you that I want. I'm hurting, I'm worrying, I'm selfish. I see something I don't have, and I covet it. I am sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. God, let me covet you instead. I thank You for your many blessings. I thank You for being patient with me. Let me be a blessing to others so that my focus is turned away from myself. Thank you for providing me with healing. You are amazing. God, you are my Savior. Amen.
Okay. I definitely needed that. I needed to talk to God about this. So where do I go from here? I don't know... Applebees? I'm kind of hungry. But not hungry enough to shell out an exorbitant amount of money for mediocre food.
Well to answer my own question, I guess I don't have to leave... I could dwell at the feet of God in prayer for a while... yeah... I think I'm going to do that. So... until my next post... you stay classy.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Reality sets in... and apparently so does schizophrenia...
I am so frustrated with myself that I cannot stand it. I am really not guarding my heart. I am seeking God, but my foolish heart is distracted toward my baggage. It's been two weeks. Two lovely weeks full of blessing and desiring God and growth and experiencing God's love. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.
Am I being cryptic enough so that you don't know what I'm talking about? I hope so. I want to be strong on my own... As I typed that, I realized that is just silly. I want to be strong, but I could never be strong on my own. I draw my strength from God, but as of now, I am going into panic mode as soon because reality has hit me again. I am worrying. I am not guarding my heart.
Now is the time where my faith and growth is put to the test. My vacation is over. This is where the rubber meets the road. ...And the cliches end now. I'm trying to walk before I can even stand. Oh crap, okay... now I'm finished with the cliches.
Life is settling back to the way it was and I don't like it. I'm out of my comfort zone. I don't think I'm ready. But it's simply because I'm not trusting God. I am so caught up in what may happen and so caught up in failing that I don't even give God a chance. I am not fully healed. I thought I was... but I'm not. I thought I was okay, but now that things are going back to normal, I realize that I overestimated myself.
The voices in my head tell me I'm an idiot for hoping. Naive for thinking I could be so strong. I'm never going to change. I will always be stuck in my foolish ways, too weak to even try escaping. The voices tell me I'm ugly again. They tell me how stupid I am and that even my greatest asset is nothing, my best quality is completely worthless. I am completely worthless. (These voices are well versed and have had many years to perfect the art of self destruction and torture.)
I want so much to just be in control of these voices and my emotions. I want so much to be strong enough to move on. But as Pastor Kevin Campbell so succinctly stated "God giving us what we want can be a scary thing." What I want right now is not what I need. God is taking me on a journey through my loneliness, through my broken heart, my insecurity, self-loathing, and panic. God is teaching me something right this very second as I struggle with all of this crap. I have faith that this is all for my good.
I trust God and what He says in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that I already posted today but writing what is going on in my brain helps me organize my thoughts and combat the voices and lay it all down before God. If I didn't write this down, my ADHD brain would obsess over it a while, make me even more frustrated, and then just notice something bright and shiny and I forget all about it. (Just poking fun at myself to lighten the mood. But in all actuality, I am actually more distracted by loud noises, rather than shiny objects... LOUD NOISES!!! ...Oh, come on! The set up was perfect!! I had to say it!)
So if you could, please pray for me. Not for my deliverance from this suffering, but perseverance through it all. Please pray that I would stop believing the voices in my head, and that I wouldn't let these trials divert my attention, focus, and adoration from my One True God.
Am I being cryptic enough so that you don't know what I'm talking about? I hope so. I want to be strong on my own... As I typed that, I realized that is just silly. I want to be strong, but I could never be strong on my own. I draw my strength from God, but as of now, I am going into panic mode as soon because reality has hit me again. I am worrying. I am not guarding my heart.
Now is the time where my faith and growth is put to the test. My vacation is over. This is where the rubber meets the road. ...And the cliches end now. I'm trying to walk before I can even stand. Oh crap, okay... now I'm finished with the cliches.
Life is settling back to the way it was and I don't like it. I'm out of my comfort zone. I don't think I'm ready. But it's simply because I'm not trusting God. I am so caught up in what may happen and so caught up in failing that I don't even give God a chance. I am not fully healed. I thought I was... but I'm not. I thought I was okay, but now that things are going back to normal, I realize that I overestimated myself.
The voices in my head tell me I'm an idiot for hoping. Naive for thinking I could be so strong. I'm never going to change. I will always be stuck in my foolish ways, too weak to even try escaping. The voices tell me I'm ugly again. They tell me how stupid I am and that even my greatest asset is nothing, my best quality is completely worthless. I am completely worthless. (These voices are well versed and have had many years to perfect the art of self destruction and torture.)
I want so much to just be in control of these voices and my emotions. I want so much to be strong enough to move on. But as Pastor Kevin Campbell so succinctly stated "God giving us what we want can be a scary thing." What I want right now is not what I need. God is taking me on a journey through my loneliness, through my broken heart, my insecurity, self-loathing, and panic. God is teaching me something right this very second as I struggle with all of this crap. I have faith that this is all for my good.
I trust God and what He says in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that I already posted today but writing what is going on in my brain helps me organize my thoughts and combat the voices and lay it all down before God. If I didn't write this down, my ADHD brain would obsess over it a while, make me even more frustrated, and then just notice something bright and shiny and I forget all about it. (Just poking fun at myself to lighten the mood. But in all actuality, I am actually more distracted by loud noises, rather than shiny objects... LOUD NOISES!!! ...Oh, come on! The set up was perfect!! I had to say it!)
So if you could, please pray for me. Not for my deliverance from this suffering, but perseverance through it all. Please pray that I would stop believing the voices in my head, and that I wouldn't let these trials divert my attention, focus, and adoration from my One True God.
Not as ugly anymore
What a day. I spent some time in the word after I finished my post last night. I listened to a podcast about going on with God in the dark nights of the soul. I calmed down a little. I am not where I was last night, but I still don't like who I am at all.
I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked from 8-2 this morning. I am so tired. I'm extremely sore from the extreme game of ultimate frisbee (after college bible study) last night. I dove and got knocked over a lot and landed on my hips a couple of times which has left me walking around like an old lady. One would think this would be the perfect recipe for an awful mood, right?
I'm actually feeling... well... hopeful. Something happened at work today. I talked to someone who shared something at during the church service Sunday morning. This woman has been through so much, and she is my hero. She shared her heart Sunday morning in front of the whole church and I could just hear God in every word she spoke. Her testimony spoke directly to my soul.
She thanked me for singing my ministry (the solo I sang) and I thanked her back. I told her everything I thought about her and how much of a blessing she is to the church even though she may not see it. This woman is going through an awfully dark night right now, but she has the strength to cling to God and testify before everyone how she is growing through it all. She said that she feels she has no strength and I told her that she makes me feel stronger. Seeing her rely on God to direct her through her dark night makes me feel like I can do this too. Everything I told her was straight from my heart and I guess it encouraged her. She gave me a hug and we parted ways. I really hope she saw in some small way how she greatly impacts the church even in her suffering. As I went back to hanging clothes, God's voice spoke into my heart and said "There is more to you than you think, Erin."
I was in public, so I did not burst into tears like I usually do when I experience God... but it was really hard not to. Through that, I now see at least a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The voices combat this hope by saying "That was not who you really are. You are not an encouraging person. That was just a fluke." ...but the voices have started to fade, becoming dimmer. God's voice is louder, telling me I am loved. God loves me so much that He even turns my failure into something beautiful. He loves me so much that He doesn't let me, or any of His children, suffer in vain.
One week and one day has passed since I deleted my facebook account. I was struggling today with the thought of returning to facebook. I was struggling with a lot of tempting thoughts today, probably stemming from my exhaustion, emotional issues, and loneliness. My first reaction toward the temptation was prayer. It was almost involuntary. I never noticed it before, but prayer has become more involuntary for me.
I'm still pretty surprised thinking about it now. God has been taking care of me so much. He's blessed me with growth and spiritual maturity. I take no credit for any of it whatsoever, because I couldn't possibly do that myself. (Just so you know.) I also realize that I have so much more growing and maturing to do.
I know that I have so much more life ahead of me than what is in my past. Maybe not here on earth but definitely in heaven, where it counts.
Psalm 40:1-5
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
This is the song I sang in church yesterday... it's awesome how God works things together...
I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked from 8-2 this morning. I am so tired. I'm extremely sore from the extreme game of ultimate frisbee (after college bible study) last night. I dove and got knocked over a lot and landed on my hips a couple of times which has left me walking around like an old lady. One would think this would be the perfect recipe for an awful mood, right?
I'm actually feeling... well... hopeful. Something happened at work today. I talked to someone who shared something at during the church service Sunday morning. This woman has been through so much, and she is my hero. She shared her heart Sunday morning in front of the whole church and I could just hear God in every word she spoke. Her testimony spoke directly to my soul.
She thanked me for singing my ministry (the solo I sang) and I thanked her back. I told her everything I thought about her and how much of a blessing she is to the church even though she may not see it. This woman is going through an awfully dark night right now, but she has the strength to cling to God and testify before everyone how she is growing through it all. She said that she feels she has no strength and I told her that she makes me feel stronger. Seeing her rely on God to direct her through her dark night makes me feel like I can do this too. Everything I told her was straight from my heart and I guess it encouraged her. She gave me a hug and we parted ways. I really hope she saw in some small way how she greatly impacts the church even in her suffering. As I went back to hanging clothes, God's voice spoke into my heart and said "There is more to you than you think, Erin."
I was in public, so I did not burst into tears like I usually do when I experience God... but it was really hard not to. Through that, I now see at least a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The voices combat this hope by saying "That was not who you really are. You are not an encouraging person. That was just a fluke." ...but the voices have started to fade, becoming dimmer. God's voice is louder, telling me I am loved. God loves me so much that He even turns my failure into something beautiful. He loves me so much that He doesn't let me, or any of His children, suffer in vain.
One week and one day has passed since I deleted my facebook account. I was struggling today with the thought of returning to facebook. I was struggling with a lot of tempting thoughts today, probably stemming from my exhaustion, emotional issues, and loneliness. My first reaction toward the temptation was prayer. It was almost involuntary. I never noticed it before, but prayer has become more involuntary for me.
I'm still pretty surprised thinking about it now. God has been taking care of me so much. He's blessed me with growth and spiritual maturity. I take no credit for any of it whatsoever, because I couldn't possibly do that myself. (Just so you know.) I also realize that I have so much more growing and maturing to do.
I know that I have so much more life ahead of me than what is in my past. Maybe not here on earth but definitely in heaven, where it counts.
Psalm 40:1-5
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
Ugly
I have a lot of voices in my head giving me a lot of crap right now. The loudest voice tells me that I'm not beautiful... You're probably thinking... "Oh wow, is this chick fishing for compliments?" The answer is no. I'm not. I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful because it won't help right now anyway. That's just how this works.
When I say beautiful, I am mostly referring to being beautiful spiritually, personality, and character wise. I just hate how loud and obnoxious I am. I don't like only being the funny girl. As I was driving home tonight, I cried and prayed for God to speak some truth in my life, because right now I believe the lies. I believe that I am not a beautiful person.
I feel so shallow and worthless. The voices tell me I have nothing to offer this world or God. I am just a terrible, selfish, arrogant, obnoxious doormat who is so scared of what others think of me. I am a scared little girl. I don't measure up. I fail at everything I do in some small way or another. This is what the voices tell me.
I'm not sure how to combat this right now because I believe every word of it. I'm going to go to God's word and search for answers. I don't know where else to turn.
I want to be the kind of woman of God whom people can rely on and look up to. I want to be a gracious, humble, encouraging, organized, selfless, respectful, trustworthy, but strong, passionate, and courageous... but instead, I am me. I want people to look at me internally and say "That woman is beautiful." This song by Bethany Dillon kind of sums up the kind of beauty I desire.
I want to be able to be looked at by a strong, wise man of God and live up to his expectations of what a true woman of God should be. I want to be respected and loved. I want to feel beautiful. Maybe it will happen someday, maybe God has such a man tucked away somewhere growing in his faith just like me... but right now I feel unworthy of any such man and unable to live up to anyone's expectations let alone a significant other. Then the voices tell me that it didn't work out between my parents after 31 years, so why would it work for me? How can I make it if they can't? ...but that's whole different story...
I don't feel like I'll ever come even close to being beautiful. I feel like I'll just be stuck like this forever, and it kills me inside. As I was driving home, crying, and praying, no, pouring my heart out to God, I felt deep in my soul that He was actually listening to me and crying with me. This song came on the radio and I just listened... this song is the cry of my heart right now:
I still feel the same as I did before, broken, beat down, worthless, hurting, inadequate, UGLY ... but I know God is listening to me right now and He feels for me. So I am wrapping this up with a heavy heart to delve into God's love letter to me to find some wisdom and healing.
When I say beautiful, I am mostly referring to being beautiful spiritually, personality, and character wise. I just hate how loud and obnoxious I am. I don't like only being the funny girl. As I was driving home tonight, I cried and prayed for God to speak some truth in my life, because right now I believe the lies. I believe that I am not a beautiful person.
I feel so shallow and worthless. The voices tell me I have nothing to offer this world or God. I am just a terrible, selfish, arrogant, obnoxious doormat who is so scared of what others think of me. I am a scared little girl. I don't measure up. I fail at everything I do in some small way or another. This is what the voices tell me.
I'm not sure how to combat this right now because I believe every word of it. I'm going to go to God's word and search for answers. I don't know where else to turn.
I want to be the kind of woman of God whom people can rely on and look up to. I want to be a gracious, humble, encouraging, organized, selfless, respectful, trustworthy, but strong, passionate, and courageous... but instead, I am me. I want people to look at me internally and say "That woman is beautiful." This song by Bethany Dillon kind of sums up the kind of beauty I desire.
I want to be able to be looked at by a strong, wise man of God and live up to his expectations of what a true woman of God should be. I want to be respected and loved. I want to feel beautiful. Maybe it will happen someday, maybe God has such a man tucked away somewhere growing in his faith just like me... but right now I feel unworthy of any such man and unable to live up to anyone's expectations let alone a significant other. Then the voices tell me that it didn't work out between my parents after 31 years, so why would it work for me? How can I make it if they can't? ...but that's whole different story...
I don't feel like I'll ever come even close to being beautiful. I feel like I'll just be stuck like this forever, and it kills me inside. As I was driving home, crying, and praying, no, pouring my heart out to God, I felt deep in my soul that He was actually listening to me and crying with me. This song came on the radio and I just listened... this song is the cry of my heart right now:
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Nothing profound in this post today (just a warning)
The 8 1/2 hour work day has been vanquished! How do I reward myself?! With a little ear training and piano playing, that's how!! Go ahead, I know you're thinking it, you might as well say it aloud... I'm a music geek. I don't care!!
So work today was... well, work. I really feel God has been laying on my heart to be more up front and open about my faith, so work has been kind of the place that I've been starting to live out my faith. I am unhappy with being complacent about my dormant evangelistic lifestyle. I've been praying for really obvious opportunities to share my faith in some big or small way.
I also feel God pressing on my heart to work on my self control, so I think I might do the Daniel Fast... I don't know much about it, but I know that you only drink water, eat veggies and certain non-processed, healthy foods. I'm a huge carnivore so this could really really stretch me spiritually. I need to research more about it before I commit to it though. (Obviously.) As for now, I will be perfectly content with some frozen pizza and Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
I'm so pumped for Sunday! I sing in the morning at church, work from 1-6, and rush over to the bible study from 6-8, then hang out with some pretty awesome women of God. Well my brain is fried, and I'm exhausted so this is it for me tonight. So as you can see, this post really is about nothing... I tried to warn you! Okay, you want profoundness? Here is the best I got right now...
Remember... God made you special, and he loves you very much!
Okay maybe I can do better. Here are some epic verses I read this morning during my time alone with God...
Psalm 36:9-11
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
...Maybe it's because I'm such a music geek, but Psalm is my favorite book of the bible. I love the sheer poetry and creativity of it all. The lyrics are just absolutely beautiful! David was an epic musician! I can't wait to jam with him in heaven someday!
So work today was... well, work. I really feel God has been laying on my heart to be more up front and open about my faith, so work has been kind of the place that I've been starting to live out my faith. I am unhappy with being complacent about my dormant evangelistic lifestyle. I've been praying for really obvious opportunities to share my faith in some big or small way.
I also feel God pressing on my heart to work on my self control, so I think I might do the Daniel Fast... I don't know much about it, but I know that you only drink water, eat veggies and certain non-processed, healthy foods. I'm a huge carnivore so this could really really stretch me spiritually. I need to research more about it before I commit to it though. (Obviously.) As for now, I will be perfectly content with some frozen pizza and Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
I'm so pumped for Sunday! I sing in the morning at church, work from 1-6, and rush over to the bible study from 6-8, then hang out with some pretty awesome women of God. Well my brain is fried, and I'm exhausted so this is it for me tonight. So as you can see, this post really is about nothing... I tried to warn you! Okay, you want profoundness? Here is the best I got right now...
Remember... God made you special, and he loves you very much!
Okay maybe I can do better. Here are some epic verses I read this morning during my time alone with God...
Psalm 36:9-11
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.
Continue your love to those who know you,
your righteousness to the upright in heart.
May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
...Maybe it's because I'm such a music geek, but Psalm is my favorite book of the bible. I love the sheer poetry and creativity of it all. The lyrics are just absolutely beautiful! David was an epic musician! I can't wait to jam with him in heaven someday!
Funny Girl (like Barbra Streisand)
Survival of the (not so) fittest. That's most of what my life has been about. Surviving and adapting. Growing up, I got teased a lot. I was always overweight, so that was mostly what I was teased about. I never had any "redeeming qualities" in the eyes of society because people who didn't know me couldn't look past my weight. It sucked being looked at and judged on a such a surface level. So I had to adapt to survive. I had to become the "funny girl." (Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter! ...from one of my fav-o musicals, Funny Girl)
I hate being teased. (Who does?) I hate being mocked and made fun of for my weight or other anything else, so I adapted to become the person you laugh with rather than at. If I could make you laugh by something I did, then it almost felt like I was making you my ally. I felt so accepted when I was performing and getting good results. If I could make you laugh at my jokes, it would prevent you from laughing at me. I sometimes wonder who I would be today if I didn't grow up overweight.
Why do I bring this up? Well, I don't know. I've just been getting teased a lot lately. Some of my friends do it, not maliciously of course, but they don't really understand how much teasing bothers me so I let it slide. (Because then I'd have to go through this whole explanation of why teasing bothers me so much and in the end, it's really not worth it.) Some people tease me for being too thin. I mean, I am thankful for being at a good, healthy weight now, but it still kind of hurts being teased for being "too thin that I might blow away."
Tonight was one of those nights where I really had to put on a show to keep from being teased. I was teased about silly things that really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but it really did. When I feel like I lose control of a situation (the situation being that I am being laughed at instead of laughed with), then I go into panic mode. I start trying to hard to gain back that acceptance. Well, tonight I just gave up on that... I was too tired to try "regaining control."
I'm exhausted. Tomorrow will be day 3 out of five that I work. Days one and two were both 6 hour days, tomorrow is an eight and a half hour day. I'm so thankful though, that God provided me this job and all the hours I've been getting with it.
Why am I up so late you ask? Well, I really wanted to get some bible reading in before bed. I'm reading through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days and all of the major prophets of the old testament in 60 days. BUT the real reason I wanted to read my bible is cuz I need God to speak some truth in my life and I needed to take the focus off myself and my momentary hurt. God is so awesome and I needed a reminder.
...Would I have turned out the same today if I hadn't grown up overweight? I don't know, but I do know that God created me beautiful (no matter how much I weigh), and with a purpose in mind. So even though I suffered through high school teasing, judgement, harassment, exclusion, and loneliness, God used it to make me stronger, funnier, more reliant on Him, and overall just a better person.
God has blessed me with an amazing weight loss journey, two healed hips, and all the humor in the world to make people laugh in the darkest of days... okay maybe not that much humor, but still... So you curious as to how much I used to weigh? No? Well I'm telling you anyway... just so you know and just so I embarrass myself enough to never weigh that much again... well, here it comes...
I hate being teased. (Who does?) I hate being mocked and made fun of for my weight or other anything else, so I adapted to become the person you laugh with rather than at. If I could make you laugh by something I did, then it almost felt like I was making you my ally. I felt so accepted when I was performing and getting good results. If I could make you laugh at my jokes, it would prevent you from laughing at me. I sometimes wonder who I would be today if I didn't grow up overweight.
Why do I bring this up? Well, I don't know. I've just been getting teased a lot lately. Some of my friends do it, not maliciously of course, but they don't really understand how much teasing bothers me so I let it slide. (Because then I'd have to go through this whole explanation of why teasing bothers me so much and in the end, it's really not worth it.) Some people tease me for being too thin. I mean, I am thankful for being at a good, healthy weight now, but it still kind of hurts being teased for being "too thin that I might blow away."
Tonight was one of those nights where I really had to put on a show to keep from being teased. I was teased about silly things that really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but it really did. When I feel like I lose control of a situation (the situation being that I am being laughed at instead of laughed with), then I go into panic mode. I start trying to hard to gain back that acceptance. Well, tonight I just gave up on that... I was too tired to try "regaining control."
I'm exhausted. Tomorrow will be day 3 out of five that I work. Days one and two were both 6 hour days, tomorrow is an eight and a half hour day. I'm so thankful though, that God provided me this job and all the hours I've been getting with it.
Why am I up so late you ask? Well, I really wanted to get some bible reading in before bed. I'm reading through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days and all of the major prophets of the old testament in 60 days. BUT the real reason I wanted to read my bible is cuz I need God to speak some truth in my life and I needed to take the focus off myself and my momentary hurt. God is so awesome and I needed a reminder.
...Would I have turned out the same today if I hadn't grown up overweight? I don't know, but I do know that God created me beautiful (no matter how much I weigh), and with a purpose in mind. So even though I suffered through high school teasing, judgement, harassment, exclusion, and loneliness, God used it to make me stronger, funnier, more reliant on Him, and overall just a better person.
God has blessed me with an amazing weight loss journey, two healed hips, and all the humor in the world to make people laugh in the darkest of days... okay maybe not that much humor, but still... So you curious as to how much I used to weigh? No? Well I'm telling you anyway... just so you know and just so I embarrass myself enough to never weigh that much again... well, here it comes...
This is me (18 years old) as a senior... at 220 lbs...
This is me at 21... 136 lbs.
I've lost 84 lbs... and I still want to lose another 20 lbs or so.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Hold On To That Feelin!
Whew. What a day. I survived! I am rewarding myself with some fried rice. Soo here's how today went down... I woke up at 7, and had my time with God, then I practiced piano starting with Manifesto for camp, and then Don't Stop Believin' just for fun. I got ready for my voice lesson at 12 and worked on one song til 1. The lesson went really well! (I actually impressed my vocal coach! Which rarely happens.) Then I went to work at 2-8. Holy moses. It was so busy. Then I went straight to worship team practice until 8:40. I. Am. Exhausted.
So I wasn't in a very optimistic mood this morning, but I mean, who can be pessimistic while playing Don't Stop Believin' right?! My spirits were lifted even more after the successful voice lesson.
Then there was work. I ringing up a purchase with a backpack with some writing on it... it had a name written on it... so and so's name... So began my pestering thought process about so and so, switching between anger/pity/reminiscing/missing/worrying.
Then I was shelving a bunch of books that just so happened to be romance books with "romantic" cover art. Ugh. It was excruciating. Maybe I was just being a baby, but it was rough. As I was worrying, I realized I hadn't even talked to God about how I was feeling.
I was so caught up in just forgetting so and so and moving on to something else, that I forgot that I could totally vent and share this with God. So I did, while simultaneously hanging women's shirts. I just told God what was going on in my mind and heart, and asked for some peace and healing.
I felt better after praying and 6 hours fly by without another pestering thought about so and so. I'm so thankful that God gave my heart a nudge to remember Him and remember that He wants me to talk to Him. So that was my "duh" moment for the day. Mmm... good fried rice... I think it's time for some ice cream to chase it down.
Oh and just remember... don't stop believin... ;)
Deuteronomy 6:12
be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.
(...Or surgery/family issues/break-ups)
So I wasn't in a very optimistic mood this morning, but I mean, who can be pessimistic while playing Don't Stop Believin' right?! My spirits were lifted even more after the successful voice lesson.
Then there was work. I ringing up a purchase with a backpack with some writing on it... it had a name written on it... so and so's name... So began my pestering thought process about so and so, switching between anger/pity/reminiscing/missing/worrying.
Then I was shelving a bunch of books that just so happened to be romance books with "romantic" cover art. Ugh. It was excruciating. Maybe I was just being a baby, but it was rough. As I was worrying, I realized I hadn't even talked to God about how I was feeling.
I was so caught up in just forgetting so and so and moving on to something else, that I forgot that I could totally vent and share this with God. So I did, while simultaneously hanging women's shirts. I just told God what was going on in my mind and heart, and asked for some peace and healing.
I felt better after praying and 6 hours fly by without another pestering thought about so and so. I'm so thankful that God gave my heart a nudge to remember Him and remember that He wants me to talk to Him. So that was my "duh" moment for the day. Mmm... good fried rice... I think it's time for some ice cream to chase it down.
Oh and just remember... don't stop believin... ;)
Deuteronomy 6:12
be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.
(...Or surgery/family issues/break-ups)
Wait and See
I am in a state of unrest. Today shall be a busy day. I start with a voice lesson at 12-1 and work
from 2-8. Then straight from work to worship team practice to work on my
solo for church on Sunday. But that's not why I'm restless. I am restless for God right now. I am so excited to do His will but I am
just waiting right now... the unrest seems to build, but I know that
I'm waiting for a reason. I may think I am so ready to take the world by
storm, but God's got some more growing to do in me.
I've been struggling with forgiveness and judgement for the past couple of days. God has been ever so patient with me. I am forgiving. I'd like to think I have forgiven so and so, but I'm waiting on God. I noticed that the things that once bothered me and caused me to judge, have turned to understanding and mercy. Only God could bring me to this place, it wasn't my own doing, that is for sure and certain.
I thought I would be struggling with this for a very long time. I'm just surprised God has healed me so quickly. I guess after all I have been through, I should not be so surprised anymore. This journey I am on, this summer of healing is not going to be all roses and daisies and rainbows. It's going to be full of discipline and... well, let's face it, healing can be messy. With healing comes scars.
I had a lot of baggage. It's not that my baggage has disappeared... it's that God is showing me how to carry it better. There will always be baggage, but my God will help me carry it. I'm listening to a podcast right now about worship. I just heard a lovely quote "It's not that your situation always changes when you praise God, but we change. Our perspective changes. We are reminded how loving He is when we sing of His goodness." (Diane White.)
So now that I'm out of the valley and on the mountain top, I will not stop praising God. Sometimes when we feel we are in a healthy place, we forget that we are still sick; we are still in need of God. Now starts the battle with myself to remember that I still need God in my state of joy and blessing.
I am not going to take back control of my life now that it is better. (That's what usually happens.) I pray now more than ever to remember my need for God, remember where I came from, and remember that He's not finished with me yet.
I've been struggling with forgiveness and judgement for the past couple of days. God has been ever so patient with me. I am forgiving. I'd like to think I have forgiven so and so, but I'm waiting on God. I noticed that the things that once bothered me and caused me to judge, have turned to understanding and mercy. Only God could bring me to this place, it wasn't my own doing, that is for sure and certain.
I thought I would be struggling with this for a very long time. I'm just surprised God has healed me so quickly. I guess after all I have been through, I should not be so surprised anymore. This journey I am on, this summer of healing is not going to be all roses and daisies and rainbows. It's going to be full of discipline and... well, let's face it, healing can be messy. With healing comes scars.
I had a lot of baggage. It's not that my baggage has disappeared... it's that God is showing me how to carry it better. There will always be baggage, but my God will help me carry it. I'm listening to a podcast right now about worship. I just heard a lovely quote "It's not that your situation always changes when you praise God, but we change. Our perspective changes. We are reminded how loving He is when we sing of His goodness." (Diane White.)
So now that I'm out of the valley and on the mountain top, I will not stop praising God. Sometimes when we feel we are in a healthy place, we forget that we are still sick; we are still in need of God. Now starts the battle with myself to remember that I still need God in my state of joy and blessing.
I am not going to take back control of my life now that it is better. (That's what usually happens.) I pray now more than ever to remember my need for God, remember where I came from, and remember that He's not finished with me yet.
Wait and See by Brandon Heath
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The wuhst poies in Lahhhndon!
I'm not sure what to write about today. It's my day off. Yay! I tanned, sort of wrote a song, went to church, talked with my youth pastor, worked on camp stuff, edited a script, listened to someone audition for the worship team, and helped at a junior high bible study. It was still a pretty busy day today even though it was my day off. AND I went half the day without my medicine! Whoops!
Talking with my youth pastor helped me a ton. God is really taking care of me with all the awesome people He has placed in my life now. I already had my time alone with God today, but I am in a very unmotivated mood today. I feel kind of grouchy and just blah. I think I'll spend some more time with my Creator.
What else, what else? Um... yeah... not much... I'm definitely feeling some symptoms of withdrawal from facebook, but it's for my good. I'm feeling lonely. I'm not sure why. I've been stressed a bit because I've been scheduled to work on Sunday (at noon, during church) and Thursday (during band practice). It's been frustrating because I've asked my boss to keep those days clear. It's been worked out, but it did take a toll on me.
Ugh wow. I haven't felt this unmotivated in a long time. (God please provide me with some energy and joy to be able to get out of this little slump. God please invade my thoughts so I don't focus on myself.) I'm hoping this is just due to the lack of medicine during the day.
Well, I'm going to try to get out of this minor blah-ness I've got going on. I need to pray, read some of God's love letter to me, remind myself how Awesome God is, look forward to the awesome future He has planned for me, and possibly sing some show tunes to make me feel better.
...So I choose a show tune from like the most depressing, emo musical ever! Shockingly, though I do feel a bit better....
Talking with my youth pastor helped me a ton. God is really taking care of me with all the awesome people He has placed in my life now. I already had my time alone with God today, but I am in a very unmotivated mood today. I feel kind of grouchy and just blah. I think I'll spend some more time with my Creator.
What else, what else? Um... yeah... not much... I'm definitely feeling some symptoms of withdrawal from facebook, but it's for my good. I'm feeling lonely. I'm not sure why. I've been stressed a bit because I've been scheduled to work on Sunday (at noon, during church) and Thursday (during band practice). It's been frustrating because I've asked my boss to keep those days clear. It's been worked out, but it did take a toll on me.
Ugh wow. I haven't felt this unmotivated in a long time. (God please provide me with some energy and joy to be able to get out of this little slump. God please invade my thoughts so I don't focus on myself.) I'm hoping this is just due to the lack of medicine during the day.
Well, I'm going to try to get out of this minor blah-ness I've got going on. I need to pray, read some of God's love letter to me, remind myself how Awesome God is, look forward to the awesome future He has planned for me, and possibly sing some show tunes to make me feel better.
...So I choose a show tune from like the most depressing, emo musical ever! Shockingly, though I do feel a bit better....
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Adventures of Being Single
Last night. Oh boy. Last night I failed to guard my heart. I found out my ex-boyfriend had straight up lied to me, and now I feel like our whole relationship was built on a lie. It hurt me to know that even before we started dating, he lied to me and continued to lie about it while we were dating. I was hurt and angry. I imagined whether or not I would have ever dated him if I knew then what I know now. I tried so hard all day to remember the verse in James 1:13 "because judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgement."
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to him when I see him next and in my mind, I picture it like it's an intense break up scene straight from a romance movie. I want to slap him, say my little speech that I conjured in my head for an hour, then turn around and walk away, leaving him feeling emotionally injured and alone to battle with his own conscience.
Then I realized that that may make me feel good for a second after, but what good will it do me in the long run? Will that help me heal? Will that help me forgive him? It won't, so I'm going to have to pray about what I will actually say. I am trying to forgive him though. It's a drawn out process but I just keep remembering that no matter what, I cannot judge him because "mercy triumphs over judgement."
So in my efforts to guard my heart last night, I read through the book of James. I think that might be my favorite book as of right now. Then I listened to three podcasts about spiritual formation. It kept my mind set on things above, which helped tremendously.
I will say that this has definitely helped me get over my feelings for him. I don't miss him anymore. (I mean that's got to count for something, right?) I don't know if I ever want to be friends with him... yet... but that might change during the process of forgiving/healing. Right now, all I know is that I am focusing on God.
I plan to remain single for a very long time (God willing). I plan to keep that distraction out of my life for at least a year, as long as it's God's will of course. Hey, you know, maybe God's plan for me is to remain single forever... That was the topic of one of my podcasts last night... If God's will for me is to keep marriage out of the picture, then you know what? GOD'S WILL BE DONE! (I will just adopt 17 or so cats and name them all human names.)
Sometimes I think that that may be the case. I just feel like my crazy personality and sometimes ridiculous antics is not something a normal, Christian, Christ-centered guy would want to put up with. Maybe that is my insecurity talking, or maybe that is me just being stubborn about ever wanting to date again. (Okay, I'm done being bitter. Mercy over judgement, mercy over judgement!)
I finally feel at peace about being single. This opens up so many new opportunities for me!
1. I don't have to shave my legs regularly
2. My makeup routine is now 10 minutes shorter
3. I am free to be confident and hang out with guys more (Psh... like that will happen)
4. I can focus on my relationship with God more.
5. My room is sooo messy and I LOVE IT!!!
6. I won't be tempted to give in to my selfish ambitions with him.
7. I have time to work on saying no and meaning it.
8. My friends and I will grow closer than ever.
9. God has provided me with 2 accountability partners... which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still dating so and so.
10. I am free from the guilt and temptation that came with so and so and free to receive God's abundant blessing!!!
God is good, all the time. God has been pouring out His blessing on me and I am just loving every minute of it! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
^
That is my new life verse... my previous life verse was:
2 Corinthians 1:9
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
^
Yeah, as you can tell, it's a huge change from where I've been to where I am now. PRAISE THE LORD!
And I leave you with this hilarious video "Sh-stuff Single Girls Say" It made me giggle.
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to him when I see him next and in my mind, I picture it like it's an intense break up scene straight from a romance movie. I want to slap him, say my little speech that I conjured in my head for an hour, then turn around and walk away, leaving him feeling emotionally injured and alone to battle with his own conscience.
Then I realized that that may make me feel good for a second after, but what good will it do me in the long run? Will that help me heal? Will that help me forgive him? It won't, so I'm going to have to pray about what I will actually say. I am trying to forgive him though. It's a drawn out process but I just keep remembering that no matter what, I cannot judge him because "mercy triumphs over judgement."
So in my efforts to guard my heart last night, I read through the book of James. I think that might be my favorite book as of right now. Then I listened to three podcasts about spiritual formation. It kept my mind set on things above, which helped tremendously.
I will say that this has definitely helped me get over my feelings for him. I don't miss him anymore. (I mean that's got to count for something, right?) I don't know if I ever want to be friends with him... yet... but that might change during the process of forgiving/healing. Right now, all I know is that I am focusing on God.
I plan to remain single for a very long time (God willing). I plan to keep that distraction out of my life for at least a year, as long as it's God's will of course. Hey, you know, maybe God's plan for me is to remain single forever... That was the topic of one of my podcasts last night... If God's will for me is to keep marriage out of the picture, then you know what? GOD'S WILL BE DONE! (I will just adopt 17 or so cats and name them all human names.)
Sometimes I think that that may be the case. I just feel like my crazy personality and sometimes ridiculous antics is not something a normal, Christian, Christ-centered guy would want to put up with. Maybe that is my insecurity talking, or maybe that is me just being stubborn about ever wanting to date again. (Okay, I'm done being bitter. Mercy over judgement, mercy over judgement!)
I finally feel at peace about being single. This opens up so many new opportunities for me!
1. I don't have to shave my legs regularly
2. My makeup routine is now 10 minutes shorter
3. I am free to be confident and hang out with guys more (Psh... like that will happen)
4. I can focus on my relationship with God more.
5. My room is sooo messy and I LOVE IT!!!
6. I won't be tempted to give in to my selfish ambitions with him.
7. I have time to work on saying no and meaning it.
8. My friends and I will grow closer than ever.
9. God has provided me with 2 accountability partners... which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still dating so and so.
10. I am free from the guilt and temptation that came with so and so and free to receive God's abundant blessing!!!
God is good, all the time. God has been pouring out His blessing on me and I am just loving every minute of it! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
^
That is my new life verse... my previous life verse was:
2 Corinthians 1:9
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
^
Yeah, as you can tell, it's a huge change from where I've been to where I am now. PRAISE THE LORD!
And I leave you with this hilarious video "Sh-stuff Single Girls Say" It made me giggle.
Monday, June 4, 2012
The Age of Aquarius (Summer of Healing)
Holy Moses, what a crazy-awesome (crawesome?) past couple of days! First of all, the bible study. The college group is pretty awesome. We are studying the book of James together and boy was I in over my head playing ultimate frisbee! The group is mostly compiled of track/soccer/cross country atheletes, and me... the... music major. It was nice running around and being reminded that even though I am thinner, I still need to exercise. It was so nice to connect with others my age and establish a community I can rely on.
After youth group was where the amazing stuff happened though. I got to reconnect with two old friends, one of whom I was estranged with I never thought in a million years we would be able to pick up like nothing ever happened. God's timing is so awesome. I wrote, two days ago, about needing an accountability partner and now I have two! PRAISE THE LORD! We talked for hours about our lives and God's amazing hand in it all. We laughed and farted (yeah, girls fart, get over it!) and prayed together... well not exactly in that order...
We basically just bore our souls to each other and there was no judgement, just grace and mercy and understanding and love. This is going to be an epic summer. This is the dawning of my summer of healing. (This is the dawning of the age of aquarius, age of aquariuuuuuss! Yeah it's a stretch, but that's my brain for you!)
Then today, I met with my once estranged friend to chat some more and share about our lives. We talked for four hours. It was glorious. Four hours full of God's love and healing touch. I thought it would be awkward but it wasn't and the only explanation is God must really want us to love on each other and bond, gold bond. (Inside joke, don't worry about it if you don't get it.) We confessed and reminisced and shared how God has been blessing us and strengthening us and just blessing us even more.
This is where the healing begins... oh-oh... (another song) I feel blessed beyond any comprehension right now. God really loves me and He has shown it. I don't deserve it, but by God's grace, I am a new creation. I am no longer a slave to sin. I am free!!! I'm washed white as snow. I have nothing to brag of in regards to my own power or anything about myself... but I can boast forever more of God's power in me. I now draw peace from Him and everything He has blessed me with.
James 1:17-18
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all the created.
After youth group was where the amazing stuff happened though. I got to reconnect with two old friends, one of whom I was estranged with I never thought in a million years we would be able to pick up like nothing ever happened. God's timing is so awesome. I wrote, two days ago, about needing an accountability partner and now I have two! PRAISE THE LORD! We talked for hours about our lives and God's amazing hand in it all. We laughed and farted (yeah, girls fart, get over it!) and prayed together... well not exactly in that order...
We basically just bore our souls to each other and there was no judgement, just grace and mercy and understanding and love. This is going to be an epic summer. This is the dawning of my summer of healing. (This is the dawning of the age of aquarius, age of aquariuuuuuss! Yeah it's a stretch, but that's my brain for you!)
Then today, I met with my once estranged friend to chat some more and share about our lives. We talked for four hours. It was glorious. Four hours full of God's love and healing touch. I thought it would be awkward but it wasn't and the only explanation is God must really want us to love on each other and bond, gold bond. (Inside joke, don't worry about it if you don't get it.) We confessed and reminisced and shared how God has been blessing us and strengthening us and just blessing us even more.
This is where the healing begins... oh-oh... (another song) I feel blessed beyond any comprehension right now. God really loves me and He has shown it. I don't deserve it, but by God's grace, I am a new creation. I am no longer a slave to sin. I am free!!! I'm washed white as snow. I have nothing to brag of in regards to my own power or anything about myself... but I can boast forever more of God's power in me. I now draw peace from Him and everything He has blessed me with.
James 1:17-18
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all the created.
Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Finding faith in... Transformers???
I have so many thoughts pulsating through my head right now! I want to put them as statuses on facebook, but I might be addicted so away with facebook for the night, begone! Wow what a busy day. I sorted donations at work today and carried in a buuuuunnnch of heavy boxes of donations. I worked six hours but phew it was a long six hours!
I am relaxing at home now, watching Transformers 2... well after I did some youth band organizing. I gathered 15 different pieces of music into alphabetical order, put it in a binder, then I wrote a letter of encouragement to each student. I'm exhausted, but it's a good kind of exhausted. My band is amazing and I've been meaning to show them how in some way.
It's almost 9 and I am ready for bed! I am starting to feel the stab of missing my best friend. Being so busy has helped distract me, and God has strengthened me. It's just whenever I'm alone with my thoughts, my thoughts take over. I've wanted to talk to him every single day since we parted ways, but I am trying harder than ever to focus on God. My first reaction to any situation was to tell my best friend... so it's forced me to go to God instead. I'm not saying that in a bad way, because I need to get my silly little head out of my... I mean... I need God and I love spending time with Him, it's good for my soul.
I have to be honest though, I haven't been in the word yet today. I was so busy this morning working on making cds for the band... then I went straight to work at noon. I'm going to before bed though, I promise.
Holy moses... I just heard a great quote from Transformers 2... it's at the point where Sam is at his lowest point and his last resort to bring back Optimus by using the matrix key... He has the matrix key in his hands and then it kind of just dissolves... the key turns to dust in his hands. Then this exchange takes place
Sam: Everyone’s after me because of what I know. And I know this is going to work.
Mikaela: How do you know it’s going to work?
Sam: Because I believe it.
I just love that line because I feel like it is the essence of being a Christian. Not much of what we do makes sense to everyone else... you know, our lifestyle and whatnot... we are set apart from the world. It's what we believe. I believe God is my creator. It says so in the bible. (The bible tells me soooo) I know it's true because of the bible, because of what God has done in my life and, well, it's just what I believe! I have faith, conflabbit (yeah I used conflabbit... Grandpa from the tv show Rugrats used it. So why can't I?!)
I know that time away from my friend to work on my relationship with God is going to help me become secure where and who I am in Christ. God will grow me and continue to shape me into all he wills me to be, I will come out of this more dependent on God and stronger because... well, I believe it. (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!)
CONFLABBIT!
I am relaxing at home now, watching Transformers 2... well after I did some youth band organizing. I gathered 15 different pieces of music into alphabetical order, put it in a binder, then I wrote a letter of encouragement to each student. I'm exhausted, but it's a good kind of exhausted. My band is amazing and I've been meaning to show them how in some way.
It's almost 9 and I am ready for bed! I am starting to feel the stab of missing my best friend. Being so busy has helped distract me, and God has strengthened me. It's just whenever I'm alone with my thoughts, my thoughts take over. I've wanted to talk to him every single day since we parted ways, but I am trying harder than ever to focus on God. My first reaction to any situation was to tell my best friend... so it's forced me to go to God instead. I'm not saying that in a bad way, because I need to get my silly little head out of my... I mean... I need God and I love spending time with Him, it's good for my soul.
I have to be honest though, I haven't been in the word yet today. I was so busy this morning working on making cds for the band... then I went straight to work at noon. I'm going to before bed though, I promise.
Holy moses... I just heard a great quote from Transformers 2... it's at the point where Sam is at his lowest point and his last resort to bring back Optimus by using the matrix key... He has the matrix key in his hands and then it kind of just dissolves... the key turns to dust in his hands. Then this exchange takes place
Sam: Everyone’s after me because of what I know. And I know this is going to work.
Mikaela: How do you know it’s going to work?
Sam: Because I believe it.
I just love that line because I feel like it is the essence of being a Christian. Not much of what we do makes sense to everyone else... you know, our lifestyle and whatnot... we are set apart from the world. It's what we believe. I believe God is my creator. It says so in the bible. (The bible tells me soooo) I know it's true because of the bible, because of what God has done in my life and, well, it's just what I believe! I have faith, conflabbit (yeah I used conflabbit... Grandpa from the tv show Rugrats used it. So why can't I?!)
I know that time away from my friend to work on my relationship with God is going to help me become secure where and who I am in Christ. God will grow me and continue to shape me into all he wills me to be, I will come out of this more dependent on God and stronger because... well, I believe it. (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!)
CONFLABBIT!
 |
Friday, June 1, 2012
Doody moody
The voices in my head are relentlessly attacking me today. I spent a few hours working on youth worship band stuff, then a six hour work day. I'm beat both physically and emotionally. I'm still praying for a friend. An accountability partner, someone who won't let me get away with stupid crap but I can be myself around, someone who puts God first. Someone I can pour myself into and someone who doesn't mind pouring themselves into me. I trust God, so if it isn't His will for me to have a close friend right now, I will just abide more in Him.
It's a no-go from my mother on the apartment. I agree with her. The neighborhood was sketchy, and (this is my own selfish desire coming out here) it is farther away from my friends and my job. I really really don't want to be more isolated than I already am. So we don't have to move! ...Yet...
You know what? God is good. I say this because I need a reminder more than anyone right now. I'm bummed out, but I have joy. I'm not very happy with who I am or what I've done to mess up my life, but I have joy. God is working on me and through me. I don't feel it and I don't see it, but I believe it with all of my heart.
I'm extremely excited for this Sunday. I'm going to attend a college bible study! ...Yes, I am that desperate for some interaction with other Christians, and yes, there is ultimate frisbee, and yes, I am a college student so obviously I looovve ultimate frisbee! (Although the last time I played ultimate frisbee, I was wearing a strapless shirt and dived for a frisbee and... well... let's just say I will never wear a strapless shirt... ever... ever ever again. Ever.
So now what? Where do I go from here? I'm in a doody mood. Well, I guess I'm doing alright since I just laughed at my usage of the word "doody." I guess that I just need to change perspective here. I've been so focused on my horrible qualities and all of my failures and idiotic moments. Here comes a list of things to be thankful for.
My new piano
My God is absolutely bananas for me
I weigh less than I did in high school... and most of junior high (Woot woot!)
God created me with the ability sing well
My singing ability has gotten all of my tuition payed for in a talent grant!! (PTL! ...that's the hip/christian way of say praise the Lord... yeah... we Christians have tried really hard to be hip... maybe we should just accept the fact that it's not going to happen...)
I love to sing
I am using my God given abilities for God's glory
God is full of grace... so no matter how much I screw up, He'll always love me.
I have a wonderful job
I bought some AWESOME comic books from the 70's and 80's at my wonderful job
(It's the little things that can add up to a big smile.... that sounds like a lame hallmark card.)
God is growing me through these trials... so the suffering is not in vain.
Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
...And I was just invited to a bonfire! Hooray for social interaction! Looks like I won't end up a hermit in my room tonight! I was going to clean my room, but duty calls!!! (Heh-heh...doody)
It's a no-go from my mother on the apartment. I agree with her. The neighborhood was sketchy, and (this is my own selfish desire coming out here) it is farther away from my friends and my job. I really really don't want to be more isolated than I already am. So we don't have to move! ...Yet...
You know what? God is good. I say this because I need a reminder more than anyone right now. I'm bummed out, but I have joy. I'm not very happy with who I am or what I've done to mess up my life, but I have joy. God is working on me and through me. I don't feel it and I don't see it, but I believe it with all of my heart.
I'm extremely excited for this Sunday. I'm going to attend a college bible study! ...Yes, I am that desperate for some interaction with other Christians, and yes, there is ultimate frisbee, and yes, I am a college student so obviously I looovve ultimate frisbee! (Although the last time I played ultimate frisbee, I was wearing a strapless shirt and dived for a frisbee and... well... let's just say I will never wear a strapless shirt... ever... ever ever again. Ever.
So now what? Where do I go from here? I'm in a doody mood. Well, I guess I'm doing alright since I just laughed at my usage of the word "doody." I guess that I just need to change perspective here. I've been so focused on my horrible qualities and all of my failures and idiotic moments. Here comes a list of things to be thankful for.
My new piano
My God is absolutely bananas for me
I weigh less than I did in high school... and most of junior high (Woot woot!)
God created me with the ability sing well
My singing ability has gotten all of my tuition payed for in a talent grant!! (PTL! ...that's the hip/christian way of say praise the Lord... yeah... we Christians have tried really hard to be hip... maybe we should just accept the fact that it's not going to happen...)
I love to sing
I am using my God given abilities for God's glory
God is full of grace... so no matter how much I screw up, He'll always love me.
I have a wonderful job
I bought some AWESOME comic books from the 70's and 80's at my wonderful job
(It's the little things that can add up to a big smile.... that sounds like a lame hallmark card.)
God is growing me through these trials... so the suffering is not in vain.
Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
...And I was just invited to a bonfire! Hooray for social interaction! Looks like I won't end up a hermit in my room tonight! I was going to clean my room, but duty calls!!! (Heh-heh...doody)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Music nerds: the only nerds that can actually impress you with their skills.
Wow what a day! I spent most of the day at church, working on putting worship music together for a junior high summer camp. I am extremely privileged and excited to organize the worship band for summer camp for another year! I have so many new ideas to implement! God has totally provided so much in regards to musicians, instruments, and creative control of it all. I am so stinkin blessed to be serving God by doing something I love so much.
I practiced piano... willingly... yeah I'm still getting used to that feeling. I also attended my voice lesson and ugh, what an exhausting lesson. I'm working on an Italian opera aria called La Figlia Del Reggimento. The thing about singing opera is that it's a solo, you have to pronounce the Italian perfectly, and you have to sort of know what's going on in the song in order to sing with the appropriate expression and creative interpretation and most of the time you have to learn the song in one lesson and then work on memorizing it, and everything else at home.
It's definitely taken a toll on my patience and vocal chords. I'm pretty hard on myself when I make a mistake and when one must take all of the aspects of singing opera correctly into account, it's almost more than I can handle.
The awesome thing about it though, is that my voice has improved by leaps and bounds. I can hear my head voice and chest voice blending together, and I am now able to sing a high F! (If you need some context as to how high that is, listen to the song Phantom of the Opera. In the very end of the song, the woman sings a high E flat. I can sing a whole step above that. *Puffs out chest in pride* ...but you can't really tell cuz I have no chest... Awkward? Yeah, but I flourish in awkwardness... that's my excuse anyway.)
...You could probably care less about this... Blah blah blah says the music nerd who desperately wants a record player, sings into hairbrushes, sings in the shower, enjoys music theory, ear training, playing piano, and (I'm even scaring myself here) OPERA.
Okay moving on to more pressing matters. Today I found out that we have been offered an apartment. The deal is that if we want it, we have to respond by tomorrow and move in by Monday.
*Boom goes the dynamite*
I will have to pack up everything and uproot myself to the downtown area of Galesburg in four days if my mother accepts. I've decided, though, to focus on the fact that God is good, He is providing for my family, and worrying about it would be pointless. (Only after the initial panic wore off and the Holy Spirit kind of backhanded me, did I come to that realization.) God is in control. This is for my good. Glory to God forever. (And yes, I'm sure it's obvious that I am listening to that very song right now)
I am still looking forward to the goings on of my summer. I am just looking forward period. It's been a while since I have actually looked to the future for hope. I like it. Maybe it's just a change in my attitude... okay yeah... definitely a change in my attitude. God is growing me and right now I've just got that warm, fuzzy, cliche feeling inside that my future is very bright. The brightness of my future even brightens up this ridiculously rainy and cold day in the burg. One could even say... I'm... BLINDED BY THE LIGHT! WRAPPED UP LIKE A DEUCE, ANOTHER ROLLER IN THE NIGHT!
(Had to sing it, couldn't resist) A little fun fact about me: when I first heard that song, I thought the lyric was "Wrapped up like a douche, another roller in the night." After a stern correcting from my mother, I learned the correct lyric... but I still sing it the wrong way sometimes, just to give myself a cheap laugh.
I'm super excited about my bible reading! I've finished reading the minor prophets in the Old Testament, and now I'm going to read through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days! I'm well on my way toward accomplishing reading my bible before the year is out! (One of many new years resolutions, and one of the only ones I've actually worked toward accomplishing.)
Alright time to wrap this puppy up... In conclusion, I'm a nerd, God is good, life is crazy, music is fun, and yay Psalm!
I practiced piano... willingly... yeah I'm still getting used to that feeling. I also attended my voice lesson and ugh, what an exhausting lesson. I'm working on an Italian opera aria called La Figlia Del Reggimento. The thing about singing opera is that it's a solo, you have to pronounce the Italian perfectly, and you have to sort of know what's going on in the song in order to sing with the appropriate expression and creative interpretation and most of the time you have to learn the song in one lesson and then work on memorizing it, and everything else at home.
It's definitely taken a toll on my patience and vocal chords. I'm pretty hard on myself when I make a mistake and when one must take all of the aspects of singing opera correctly into account, it's almost more than I can handle.
The awesome thing about it though, is that my voice has improved by leaps and bounds. I can hear my head voice and chest voice blending together, and I am now able to sing a high F! (If you need some context as to how high that is, listen to the song Phantom of the Opera. In the very end of the song, the woman sings a high E flat. I can sing a whole step above that. *Puffs out chest in pride* ...but you can't really tell cuz I have no chest... Awkward? Yeah, but I flourish in awkwardness... that's my excuse anyway.)
...You could probably care less about this... Blah blah blah says the music nerd who desperately wants a record player, sings into hairbrushes, sings in the shower, enjoys music theory, ear training, playing piano, and (I'm even scaring myself here) OPERA.
Okay moving on to more pressing matters. Today I found out that we have been offered an apartment. The deal is that if we want it, we have to respond by tomorrow and move in by Monday.
*Boom goes the dynamite*
I will have to pack up everything and uproot myself to the downtown area of Galesburg in four days if my mother accepts. I've decided, though, to focus on the fact that God is good, He is providing for my family, and worrying about it would be pointless. (Only after the initial panic wore off and the Holy Spirit kind of backhanded me, did I come to that realization.) God is in control. This is for my good. Glory to God forever. (And yes, I'm sure it's obvious that I am listening to that very song right now)
I am still looking forward to the goings on of my summer. I am just looking forward period. It's been a while since I have actually looked to the future for hope. I like it. Maybe it's just a change in my attitude... okay yeah... definitely a change in my attitude. God is growing me and right now I've just got that warm, fuzzy, cliche feeling inside that my future is very bright. The brightness of my future even brightens up this ridiculously rainy and cold day in the burg. One could even say... I'm... BLINDED BY THE LIGHT! WRAPPED UP LIKE A DEUCE, ANOTHER ROLLER IN THE NIGHT!
(Had to sing it, couldn't resist) A little fun fact about me: when I first heard that song, I thought the lyric was "Wrapped up like a douche, another roller in the night." After a stern correcting from my mother, I learned the correct lyric... but I still sing it the wrong way sometimes, just to give myself a cheap laugh.
I'm super excited about my bible reading! I've finished reading the minor prophets in the Old Testament, and now I'm going to read through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days! I'm well on my way toward accomplishing reading my bible before the year is out! (One of many new years resolutions, and one of the only ones I've actually worked toward accomplishing.)
Alright time to wrap this puppy up... In conclusion, I'm a nerd, God is good, life is crazy, music is fun, and yay Psalm!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Love, God's will, and Whales
Got to visit my dad in Moline yesterday and today. We bought a keyboard courtesy of my grandma. She paid for it all. It's nice to have it payed for but mostly it's nice to know someone believes in me and my God-given abilities.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I basically feel like I single- handedly ripped out his heart and my heart as well. I felt God calling me to break up with my boyfriend and pursue deeper relationship with Him and my relationship with my boyfriend is too much of a distraction. But it was a lovely distraction. The best distraction I have ever had.
This man was my lifeline during my parents splitting up. He is the reason I've survived thus far. He has helped me heal better than anyone because he knows what I'm going through better than anyone. He knows my heart and how to make me smile better than anyone else. I never had to worry about being a dork around him; he never judged me. He always made me feel beautiful. He made every day worth remembering. We could do anything in the world together or nothing at all and it would always be magical, leaving me euphoric. I love everything about him. He gets my humor and swept me off my feet every single day. He told me he loved me every chance he had and he always made my heart sigh. I looked forward to his texts every morning and hated the moment when we had to say goodnight. He is my best friend now and forever and will always hold a special place in my heart. God has something awesome in store for him. I believe that with all of my heart. He is a leader, he is extremely intelligent, and he is wise beyond his age. I will pray for him every single day in the hopes that He becomes everything God has called him to be. I've put him through the wringer, and I feel terrible. I've lost the best part of me and the best thing that has happened to me and only God's grace will help me heal.
But God's will is more important than all of this. More important than my security, loving and being loved by an amazing man, and any other desire. God has something awesome planned for both of us. As one of my wise friends said, "You can't deny God's will... well you can, but then you get eaten by whales." Never thought I would be able to smile ever again until he said that. I now will abide more deeply in Him than I ever have before.
With a heavy heart, I turn to God and wait on Him. Whatever he has in store for both of us will be epic and nothing is more fulfilling and rewarding than following God's will... well it doesn't feel like it right now... but it still rings true. I'm listening to the rain patter against the windows and watching the sun set, turning the sky a beautiful golden orange, and at the same time, I'm feeling the sun set on this phase of my life.
Philippians 2:12-13
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in
my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I basically feel like I single- handedly ripped out his heart and my heart as well. I felt God calling me to break up with my boyfriend and pursue deeper relationship with Him and my relationship with my boyfriend is too much of a distraction. But it was a lovely distraction. The best distraction I have ever had.
This man was my lifeline during my parents splitting up. He is the reason I've survived thus far. He has helped me heal better than anyone because he knows what I'm going through better than anyone. He knows my heart and how to make me smile better than anyone else. I never had to worry about being a dork around him; he never judged me. He always made me feel beautiful. He made every day worth remembering. We could do anything in the world together or nothing at all and it would always be magical, leaving me euphoric. I love everything about him. He gets my humor and swept me off my feet every single day. He told me he loved me every chance he had and he always made my heart sigh. I looked forward to his texts every morning and hated the moment when we had to say goodnight. He is my best friend now and forever and will always hold a special place in my heart. God has something awesome in store for him. I believe that with all of my heart. He is a leader, he is extremely intelligent, and he is wise beyond his age. I will pray for him every single day in the hopes that He becomes everything God has called him to be. I've put him through the wringer, and I feel terrible. I've lost the best part of me and the best thing that has happened to me and only God's grace will help me heal.
But God's will is more important than all of this. More important than my security, loving and being loved by an amazing man, and any other desire. God has something awesome planned for both of us. As one of my wise friends said, "You can't deny God's will... well you can, but then you get eaten by whales." Never thought I would be able to smile ever again until he said that. I now will abide more deeply in Him than I ever have before.
With a heavy heart, I turn to God and wait on Him. Whatever he has in store for both of us will be epic and nothing is more fulfilling and rewarding than following God's will... well it doesn't feel like it right now... but it still rings true. I'm listening to the rain patter against the windows and watching the sun set, turning the sky a beautiful golden orange, and at the same time, I'm feeling the sun set on this phase of my life.
Philippians 2:12-13
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in
my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I am capable of crying!
I just returned from an 8 hour work day. With the Adele's sultry voice caressing my ears, I begin to unwind. Her voice just flows into my ears like melted butter and caramel and it trickles down my spine and warms me from head to toe. Mmmm... Oh Adele! You are my musical soul mate!
You know how I've been mentioning my desperation for the feeling of the presence of God? I had it this morning and not in the way I expected. (God does that a lot, ya know, takes humanity by surprise.)
I read the book of Haggai early this morning. Yeah... Haggai. I don't like to say Haggai... it sounds dirty to me. Not like the perverted dirty... I just think of dirt and old people when I say Haggai... maybe it's because it has the word "hag" in it... Okay enough of... whatever kind of tangent that was... I'm not even sure...
Anyway, a certain verse just stuck with me. Let me share it with you and I'll elaborate...
Haggai 1:5-7
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.
God revealed to me that I'm doing too much for myself. So many selfish things don't add up to anything in the end. I do things that seem good, like work in youth group, sing at church, and lead a worship band, but they're not always done with the right motives. Sometimes I do these things for my own recognition. (Which is just as effective as not doing them at all.) I need to "give careful thought to my ways."
Then I decided to listen to a podcast before work. I scrolled down to find my favorite John Coe podcast and I clicked on a different message by someone else. I paused it so I could find the right podcast but for some reason, some still small voice told me to listen to it. So I did.
It's a podcast on spiritual development by a guy named Todd Pickett. He talked about struggling with sin as a Christian. I happen to be struggling with sin a lot. More than usual... or maybe I am just more aware of it now... Anyway...
He talked about approaching sin with the mindset that it is a journey that God is taking you on. The goal is not to get rid of the sin simply by behavioral modification, but also through analyzing or exploring why the sin is being committed, what wound may be causing it, what needs aren't being met to cause it, and realizing you are powerless against it on your own.
It may be because there is something you need to believe more deeply about God. You need to realize that you can't just repair the sin and move on, but to abide more deeply in God to help your humanity. But he also said (and this is what first caught my attention.) don't be discouraged by your sin because it leads to repression or hiding the sin.
Sin cannot just be repressed. Especially by Christians. It leads to pride issues and hypocritical ideas. We need to hold each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ. I desire an accountability partner more than anything right now.
As the podcast ended, I started crying. (I rarely cry. I'm teased a lot because I don't cry in public, like ever. But any God encounter has reduced me to a blubbering mess. So there all you doubters! I can cry!) I felt so loved. I knew that God directed me to that message for a reason. I needed it. He knew I was struggling, hurting and drowning. I began praying and thanking God for caring so much to teach me and speak directly to my heart. I cried and got down on my knees feeling utterly undeserving of His perfect provision, His crazy huge amount of love, and His amazing grace. I cried for joy and thanked God for loving me anyway and making it so apparent.
I prayed for a friend, an accountability partner. I prayed to never forget this moment and for strength when life hits me in the face again that I wouldn't become discouraged and remember this intense radiating feeling of being loved. I am so in love with God. My soul just feels like it's in one piece again. I haven't felt healed and whole in a long time.
I am also going to remember have my time alone with God in the mornings from now on instead of at night... how I ever survived the day without a morning alone with God is a mystery to me. God is so good.
Oh no... I ran out of Adele songs... Ooh! I'll listen to Gungor!!
...Well that won't do as an adequate ending to this post... it's just thoroughly awkward! I apologize... here is an ending more befitting... Saw this on facebook today and cried...
...That's better...
You know how I've been mentioning my desperation for the feeling of the presence of God? I had it this morning and not in the way I expected. (God does that a lot, ya know, takes humanity by surprise.)
I read the book of Haggai early this morning. Yeah... Haggai. I don't like to say Haggai... it sounds dirty to me. Not like the perverted dirty... I just think of dirt and old people when I say Haggai... maybe it's because it has the word "hag" in it... Okay enough of... whatever kind of tangent that was... I'm not even sure...
Anyway, a certain verse just stuck with me. Let me share it with you and I'll elaborate...
Haggai 1:5-7
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.
God revealed to me that I'm doing too much for myself. So many selfish things don't add up to anything in the end. I do things that seem good, like work in youth group, sing at church, and lead a worship band, but they're not always done with the right motives. Sometimes I do these things for my own recognition. (Which is just as effective as not doing them at all.) I need to "give careful thought to my ways."
Then I decided to listen to a podcast before work. I scrolled down to find my favorite John Coe podcast and I clicked on a different message by someone else. I paused it so I could find the right podcast but for some reason, some still small voice told me to listen to it. So I did.
It's a podcast on spiritual development by a guy named Todd Pickett. He talked about struggling with sin as a Christian. I happen to be struggling with sin a lot. More than usual... or maybe I am just more aware of it now... Anyway...
He talked about approaching sin with the mindset that it is a journey that God is taking you on. The goal is not to get rid of the sin simply by behavioral modification, but also through analyzing or exploring why the sin is being committed, what wound may be causing it, what needs aren't being met to cause it, and realizing you are powerless against it on your own.
It may be because there is something you need to believe more deeply about God. You need to realize that you can't just repair the sin and move on, but to abide more deeply in God to help your humanity. But he also said (and this is what first caught my attention.) don't be discouraged by your sin because it leads to repression or hiding the sin.
Sin cannot just be repressed. Especially by Christians. It leads to pride issues and hypocritical ideas. We need to hold each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ. I desire an accountability partner more than anything right now.
As the podcast ended, I started crying. (I rarely cry. I'm teased a lot because I don't cry in public, like ever. But any God encounter has reduced me to a blubbering mess. So there all you doubters! I can cry!) I felt so loved. I knew that God directed me to that message for a reason. I needed it. He knew I was struggling, hurting and drowning. I began praying and thanking God for caring so much to teach me and speak directly to my heart. I cried and got down on my knees feeling utterly undeserving of His perfect provision, His crazy huge amount of love, and His amazing grace. I cried for joy and thanked God for loving me anyway and making it so apparent.
I prayed for a friend, an accountability partner. I prayed to never forget this moment and for strength when life hits me in the face again that I wouldn't become discouraged and remember this intense radiating feeling of being loved. I am so in love with God. My soul just feels like it's in one piece again. I haven't felt healed and whole in a long time.
I am also going to remember have my time alone with God in the mornings from now on instead of at night... how I ever survived the day without a morning alone with God is a mystery to me. God is so good.
Oh no... I ran out of Adele songs... Ooh! I'll listen to Gungor!!
...Well that won't do as an adequate ending to this post... it's just thoroughly awkward! I apologize... here is an ending more befitting... Saw this on facebook today and cried...
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The gory of God
I read Zephaniah this morning, another book of prophecy, and I am just utterly amazed at the fact that God is revealing wisdom through these pretty depressing scriptures. I am just in awe of Him! Let me give you a couple examples of what I've been reading...
Zephaniah 3:8
"Therefore wait for me," declares the Lord, "for the day I will stand up to testify. I have decided to assemble the nations, to gather the kingdoms and to pour out my wrath on them— all my fierce anger. The whole world will be consumed by the fire of my jealous anger."
Zephaniah 1:17
"I will bring such distress on all people that they will grope about like those who are blind, because they have sinned against the Lord. Their blood will be poured out like dust and their entrails like dung."
How gory, right? Entrails and dung and blood? This sounds more like something from Tales From the Crypt to me. Here's something I realized though. So many people talk about only the verses that emphasize God's love for us or grace, or mercy... basically the verses that make us feel good. And the verses that don't promote that lovey-dovey feeling inside are just ignored.
These verse highlights God's jealousy and anger against idol worship. We should never forget that God is to be feared. He put gory things in the bible. He gets angry. He gets jealous when we worship something other than Him. God is our King. Kings are respected and feared and loved and served. Days go by where I forget how Sovereign my God is. I treat him too much like my buddy to the point where it's disrespectful, and I forget that he formed the mountains and could crush them with his finger. He is not tame.
I also forget that despite the fact that God is all powerful and sovereign, and He gets jealous and angry, He forgives me. God knows me better than I know myself, so that means He knows my evil motives behind everything I do. He knows how "desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9) I am and loves me anyway. On my best day, I still deserve hell. On my worst day, God still loves me. He saved me from hell. He saved me from my former way of life. He saved me from myself.
I am sinful. I fail everyday. Anything bad in me comes from who I am. Anything good in me comes from Christ. So my prayer today is to be filled with Christ. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that Christ comes pouring out and there is no room for my sinful self. I pray that when people look at me, they see Christ.
Today I will live by grace. I will respect God like the rightful King He is. I will live remembering that every second of this day is filled with God's love for me. At my worst point today, God still loves me. I will live in gratefulness of the complexity of God. In whatever I do, it will be for God's gory... I mean glory...
Zephaniah 3:8
"Therefore wait for me," declares the Lord, "for the day I will stand up to testify. I have decided to assemble the nations, to gather the kingdoms and to pour out my wrath on them— all my fierce anger. The whole world will be consumed by the fire of my jealous anger."
Zephaniah 1:17
"I will bring such distress on all people that they will grope about like those who are blind, because they have sinned against the Lord. Their blood will be poured out like dust and their entrails like dung."
How gory, right? Entrails and dung and blood? This sounds more like something from Tales From the Crypt to me. Here's something I realized though. So many people talk about only the verses that emphasize God's love for us or grace, or mercy... basically the verses that make us feel good. And the verses that don't promote that lovey-dovey feeling inside are just ignored.
These verse highlights God's jealousy and anger against idol worship. We should never forget that God is to be feared. He put gory things in the bible. He gets angry. He gets jealous when we worship something other than Him. God is our King. Kings are respected and feared and loved and served. Days go by where I forget how Sovereign my God is. I treat him too much like my buddy to the point where it's disrespectful, and I forget that he formed the mountains and could crush them with his finger. He is not tame.
I also forget that despite the fact that God is all powerful and sovereign, and He gets jealous and angry, He forgives me. God knows me better than I know myself, so that means He knows my evil motives behind everything I do. He knows how "desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9) I am and loves me anyway. On my best day, I still deserve hell. On my worst day, God still loves me. He saved me from hell. He saved me from my former way of life. He saved me from myself.
I am sinful. I fail everyday. Anything bad in me comes from who I am. Anything good in me comes from Christ. So my prayer today is to be filled with Christ. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that Christ comes pouring out and there is no room for my sinful self. I pray that when people look at me, they see Christ.
Today I will live by grace. I will respect God like the rightful King He is. I will live remembering that every second of this day is filled with God's love for me. At my worst point today, God still loves me. I will live in gratefulness of the complexity of God. In whatever I do, it will be for God's gory... I mean glory...
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