Here we go again...

It's been awhile. I have missed venting my feelings and insights and funny happenings here. I feel that it is public, but not public enough where I feel I should hold some feeling back. I have been realizing throughout the day, for some odd reason, that I have an unquenchable feeling to prove myself. I think this has stemmed from the fact that growing up, I never had any dominant girl relationships. I had my brother, and my dad, and my mom and closest sister. But my aunt has four boys. My aunt is my mom's closest and only sister. Although she also lives the closest to us. Every thanksgiving was dominated by growing boys, and me. I always felt alone, and that I needed to prove that I was just as fun, even though I was a girl. My cousins and brother would get along fine, and I would either have to sit alone in my room, or play all of the games they played, only tougher and better. I have never really gotten rid of that feeling. I hate the fact that I feel I am always competing with everyone else. It is a habit carried on from my childhood. I don't like acting this way. I feel stupid, and I know it is not me. How do I get rid of this bad habit that is so ingrained in my personality, to the point where I do not feel I can survive a conversation without being the center? I want to function normally socially. I guess I should start by getting to bed at a decent time. I cannot find my medicine, and I have kind of just given up. I should probably start looking again, before I start doing stupid things due to late night, (or early morning?) boredom. SIGH.... what to do. I just realized that I need to get to why I started writing this entry. My next surgery has been scheduled. It is taking place on September 1st. I figured I would want the rest of the summer to be free. I don't know what I will be doing in my last months of freedom... but I guess the best things aren't always carefully planned ahead. We shall see what the rest of July and August have in store for me... because I have not a clue.

Camp 2010

This past week at camp has been a blessing undeserved. As a counselor, I had the opportunity to bond with jr. high girls. As the week went on, it always felt as though the advice and instruction given had fallen on deaf ears. I was discouraged and somewhat frustrated. The second to last night of camp, during cabin devotions, a girl asked the question "How do I believe?". It was that question that made my heart swell and skip a beat. So I started asking her, why she was a christian. She said because her parents and church taught her to. I began going through the gospel, and in the middle some of the other girls started to talk to her too. They took her in, and explained what christianity meant to them. I was listening to them with tears in my eyes because I finally knew that these girls had their own faith and cared for the one confused girl. We stayed up until after 11pm, passionately telling the importance of belief, and knowing for sure that we are christians. We ended up going to bed before everything was crystal clear to her, because we were all very tired. The prayer I prayed as I went to bed was that Jesus wouldn't come back until we sealed the deal with this amazing girl. The next day went on very quickly, and the girl came up to me toward the end and said she talked with some people who went to her church that were at camp. She said that they explained how her parents would die for her because they loved her and she was their child, and that Christ loved her and she was His child, so she had no reason to doubt that it was true. So I asked her, "So do you know for sure you are going to heaven?" she said that she knows and I hugged and told her I can't wait to see her in heaven! At the end of the day, when we had testimony time down at the pool, she went up and told everyone that she was a christian and explained how she knew. I cried while she was up there, because at a meeting with all the counselors and staff I asked them to pray for her because she told me she wasn't sure. So we all witnessed God's unfailing patience as she boldly testified her relationship with Christ. Thank you Lord! I am fired up now, God is bigger and stronger than any of our problems and I will never forget that!!!

Today I choose to be thankful....

I am staring out a window blocked halfway by a bush outside, and between the spaces of the dirty blinds. I see grey, and overcast depressing clouds. I have decided that the grey overcast clouds are a blessing from God. This day is only as depressing as I choose to make it. It is only depressing if I choose to ignore the amazing creation God made for me. The science behind all of these awesome clouds, is mind boggling. God not only created clouds, but He created precipitation, and condensation. He created photosynthesis. Not only is God the Ultimate Artist, for creating sunsets, and the sun, and rain, and trees... He is the Ultimate Genius for creating gravity, physics. All of the stuff we try to understand in school science class, is the very stuff my God created! He created the circulatory system, He created oxygen to sustain our lungs, and to be carried by red blood cells throughout our bodies. I cannot put enough emphasis on the awesome when I say: My God is AWESOME!!!!!!! This day is the exact opposite of depressing.

I have not posted in ages. I have been totally immersed in busyness. I auditioned for the Sound of Music, and I got a role as a nun! I am ecstatic about my nunification! I am recovering from yet another surgery. I was very sick two weeks ago, and I went to the doctor and got some meds to calm my stomach. On Tuesday I felt sick again, and I started throwing up. It was early in the morning before I ate anything so I had nothing to vomit. I puked 5 or 6 times that day. I called for another appointment with my doc and I had some tests and an ultrasound... not for pregnancy, for my gallbladder. I actually ended up puking in the doctor's office. Anyway, I got the news that I had gallstones. So Wednesday night I had my gallbladder removed. The doc also found that I had a herniated bellybutton, so he fixed that as well. I am currently recovering from all that chaos. I am also typing on a spazzed out computer screen. It is busted. It looks like someone tried to clean it with a magnet. It's hard to see anything. But I am too desperate for computer socialising to care.

I apologize...

I am very sorry for my last post. A lot of pent up, raw emotion spilled into that. I know God has something amazing in store for me. I also know that I cannot see it right now, well I really do see it... by faith. God makes me capable. God makes me beautiful. God is so much bigger than I make Him out to be, and even more than I can even imagine. I think that I take pride in making myself unfixable, because that means that I have no reason to for God to fix me. I am so stupid. God is. God was, God will always be. There are many others in the Bible that had it worse, and God made them triumph. God uses the weak to do great things, because it is so much cooler to see the incapable do the unthinkable. I am sorry God, for portraying you as weak. In no way are you weak. You are Strength! You are Power! You are God! I praise You, Lord! Fill my life, Lord, make me strong, make me wise, make me into the beautiful daughter You know is in me. Here I am Lord, send me! Thank you Lord, for giving me the life I have. I know You have given me this for a reason, and I will never be ungrateful for this life again. Your way is the best way. Use me to change the world, Lord.

Desires of the heart...

Man, as I become more mobile, I become more restless to do different activities. I want to try out for a musical, its The Sound Of Music. I would love to be in a musical again. I don't know how much I could do in regards to dancing and things. It would be so fun to experience a great production like this. I don't think I am going to do it. I need to earn more money. My time for fun and doing things I'm passionate about is over. I need to grow up. I don't want to live here forever. I don't know what I am going to do. Today is mother's day. I got my mom a card, and my brother and I made a dumb movie for her. I am going to start cleaning the house when I get done with this. I am dying for a new life. It's worth dying for isn't it? I saw some photos of my friends from where I used to live and I have this deep longing to go see them. I miss them. They are visiting their homes for the summer before their next college semester. I am just loafing around wasting my life. I feel hopeless. I feel dead. I feel lifeless, weak, and done. Done with life. It's more like life is done with me. I want to go, I want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to thrive. I hate myself. I don't mean to insult God. Because I feel like, the way I am now was not the way He origonally made me. I screwed myself up. I failed. I am pathetic. I am useless. What is happening to me. I don't want to have another surgery. The first surgery was so terrifying and scarred me for life, more emotionally than physically. I don't want to go back. I want to move on. I am 19 years old for goodness sake. I need to be on my own. Living my own life. Please God why do I have to go through this? It is so hard. I am scared, and I am alone.

Hello Blog, I missed you...

It's been awhile. So much has happened. On the 17th of April I went to a Hillsong United concert in Hoffman Estates. The experience has changed me. I sat in a balcony and saw the whole arena. Everyone worshiping and praising God without holding back really brought tears to my eyes. Singing some of my favorite songs and reflecting on all that God has done for me. I never really thanked Him for my surgery. So I danced and cried and prayed to the Love of my life. I need no one else. I am glancing out the window as I type and the sky is brewing a storm. I am ready for the refreshing tears of the sky to renew the earth. God is a genius, understatement of the year, but we spend much money on school, on classes like biology to try to understand how all of God's creation works. Botany, geology, zoology, God created plants, and rocks and animals, and they are so complicated... to the point where some fail test trying to catch up.

Peace like a river...

I went to a doctor appointment on friday, April 2nd. As you know I loathe and fear going to the hospital for reasons irrational. But the doctor told me I am allowed to walk. I was so excited I wanted to cartwheel around the hallway. I am doing well now. I was out at a friends house playing a game called Just Dance on the Wii. I had loads of fun. I am starting to feel the freedom creep back into my life. The night air against my bare shoulders is invigorating. The scent of the night air is like a drug to me. Time is fleeting, but when faced with a crisis it does not seem that way. Everyone's lives race on while I am still relearning to walk. First it felt like I would never be able to walk, now it feels like I will never be able to walk without a limp. I am thankful though that I am walking at all. God is awesome. I did something called a cardboard testimony at my church on Easter Sunday. It's where a bunch of people get on a stage and they have a square of cardboard that says something about what you struggle with on the front and on the back it says something about what God has done for you or how He has changed you. My cardboard testimony says on the front: I battled depression alone... the back says: Jesus fights my battles for me. I was crying because I was able to walk across the stage without the support of my crutches. I felt like it was really a miracle. I am grateful, I am changed. God is great.

Restoring the dead...

I just went outside, I sat in a camping chair. It was so refreshing to dig my toes into the growing grass and know that after a long winter, spring always comes. Spring can always be counted on to revisit after the longest of harsh winters. I love how God organized the seasons. I also love how the seasons are always in the same order. It reminds me that God is always faithful. He is more faithful than the spring. No matter how angry and cold I am toward Him, he still loves me and brings warmth back into my life like the spring. I know that every time I fail and repent, he will accept me back. Even when I don't feel worthy enough for Him, he always reminds me in some way that I am His. No one else can steal me away. I am worthy because Christ gave me worth. The sun always somehow restores life into the dead earth after winter. Just like God's Son restored life to the sinners of the earth. "For I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. For the life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God. Who loved me and gave Himself for me."
Galatians 2:20.

my facade fools only me...

Why do we put on facades? I can only speak for myself when I say my reason is: I think I am fooling others. Fooling others into thinking everything is ok. I am the foolish one for thinking that anyone else could not see through me. I have lived my life so used to hiding behind my phony self that it is now a habit. It takes a lot from me to shed my social self. I always felt since I am not pretty or thin or smart, I had to be the humorous friend. I felt I have to compensate in some way for my lack of good looks and intelligence. I love to read fantasy books. It is something my friends probably would not know about me. I read the fantasy books to escape from what I think is a mundane life. It is so much more comforting to pretend I am something else, to know that for awhile in my novel, I can forget my problems and jump into the battles of someone else. I think my life is not good enough. I never appreciate what I have until it's gone. Home life is getting difficult. It is so hard to watch my friends and family go out and drive around and have social lives. I would even like to get out and work. It's so hard to be thankful, but I know when all of this is over I will finally be able to walk around with no pain. But my praise and thankfulness should not be limited for the good, or easy times in my life. I cannot be a fair-weather christian.

time to buck up

Going to another blood draw in about 5 minutes. It is a beautiful day! I feel much better after I got a somewhat restful sleep. God is so good to me and I complain way too much. I need to be content with what I have, and not who I am. Lately it has been the other way around. I was content with being a whiny little girl who never saw the good in any situation. Instead I am going to be thankful, for every moment God decides to bless me with. Yesterday it was snowing and beautiful. Today it is sunny, with no snow in sight, it is all melted, and it is beautiful. I had a fight with my mom yesterday, but I apologized. The fight was about me yelling at my brother. I did apologize to him too.

God give me strength to rewind all the good things in life that are so hard to find.

I think I had a mental breakdown today. It ended in an incomplete sentence filled prayer about seeing my purpose in this life. I have no other worth except in Christ. I have a huge headache from the uncontrollable sobs I had to stifle so my parents could not hear. I never tell them anything and I am so used to it, that I don't know if I ever will tell them anything. I have nothing to do all day but watch tv and use facebook and blog. I have no social interaction with the real world. I am losing it. I have watched so much tv that I don't think I can think for myself anymore. I still have crazy dreams though. Is it sad that the only thing I look forward to all day is my dreams? I will answer that for you. Yes. I need a friend other than Spongebob Squarepants and Peter Griffin, and Dwight Schrute. I need interaction other than "lol, g2g, and cul8r". I need a life. sigh... alas, no one is home when I want to do something. And when they are home, they do not want to drive me anywhere. It's not their fault. It's my anatomy's fault for having a dysplastic hip. Sorry. I have already thrown myself enough pity parties for a lifetime of pity. Oh well. Someday, I will heal, and then... I will be free!

Early Morning, Sleepless, Ramblings.

So tired. Need to go to bed. Need to speak in complete sentences. Sorry. I am exhausted. It's 5:43 am. The scent of popcorn and perfume is finally waning. The meek sound of raindrops hitting the window is so soothing. They are lulling me into a sound sleep. Nature is my ultimate lullaby. Thank you Lord for nature! I think You are the ultimate artist. Everyone else copies Your work but none compare to the original. Thank You for rain, and gloomy days. If every day was the same, I would never appreciate them as much as I appreciate a good rain after a drought. Or a perfectly warm spring day after a harsh winter. The sun's warmth on my face, and the gentle wind teasing at my hair. The echo of pattering rain on the roof in my ears, while knowing I am safe in my bed, under the soft aged blankets. It has been ages since I have ventured into the backyard at night and laying in the dew drenched grass to look up at the stars. I have somewhat an obsession with the stars. I have been depressed lately because I have not seen a single star for weeks. It is a beautiful, subtle reminder that I am not so big. With that, I say good night.

Enough with the housewives shows.

I am writing again today, just to note that as I am on the computer, I turned the tv on. As I am writing, I am halfheartedly listening to this show on Bravo. This whole time as I am sort of listening, I am hearing these older women just fighting and bickering and complaining about each other to their faces and behind their backs. It's some housewives show. It is really stressing me out, because other girls watching this show are shoving this junk in their brains thinking that it is normal to react the way these women to. It is sad that this show is labeled as reality. That is not the way the world works 24/7. It's also stressing me out because the women are really loud and really annoying, and it is making the environment in my room stressful. I def. don't need that, and neither does anyone else. I pray no one takes this show seriously, and I am turning the channel now.

Unfailingly Devoted.

Made of sin, made to glorify.
How can human nature conflict so much
over divine purpose?
Filthy rags made of righteous deeds without love.
Sinking into the sin I jumped in
knowing fully of the consequences.
Ill are my motives,
loving are my ploys to get my way.
my downcast face
keeps me from my salvation.
undecided to look up for fear
of losing myself.
yet that is what I must do to follow Him.
Chained down by desire.
Weighed heavily in guilt.
Afraid my true self will unearth.
I am so undeserving.
Please God show me my worth...
You are the one Redeemer,
I turn and You are there.
no running back to You because,
You were always right behind me.
I see the worth You give me,
because You are unfailingly devoted.

-I originally wrote this song just to remind me of how terrible I am. I realized during the writing process that God has and will always forgive me for my flaws. I decided to make it more about Him, instead of having a huge pity party hosted by me. (You can probably tell, as the song progresses.) I realized that everything I do should unveil my humanity and God's divinity... it should all point to Him and give Him glory. At first the song was titled "Undeserving" now I have renamed it: "Unfailingly Devoted."

just hurting.

I am getting so frustrated with myself. I am having trouble concentrating, I cannot read something for more than about twenty minutes, and now I cannot even organize my own thoughts. I used to disregard the comments about having a.d.d. Now I am starting to really believe it. I have constant thoughts of just breaking something. I don't really know how to explain it. When I get mad I just have a thought about how good it would feel to, I don't know, take a bat to the t.v. or smash my fist through a window. I am trying to change. A couple days ago, I wrote down all the bad habits I wanted to change, and I prayed about them. I wrote each down on a piece of paper and then burned them in a metal bucket in my room. I was feeling so good until the smoke from the flame set off the smoke alarm. Mind you, it is 12 am, and my mom is right across the hall. I doused the fire in some water I had near by... thank God... and I told my mom to go back to bed. I told her that I spilled a candle. So that whole experience was a flop. I admit, I am a complete blond. I knew it wasn't a smart idea, but I was just hurting. Peace takes precedence over safety. (Not anymore) So that whole spiritual revelation thing did not really pan out. I just have to keep praying and having faith. It's all I have now, my faith. Life is falling apart, against my will, of course. I feel as though I am cut off from society. I am a balloon cut from the safety and comfort of a ribbon. I am just floating off in space somewhere alone and gone.

memories and wishes...

I am scheduled to go to the Iowa City hospital (yet again) to have another follow up from the surgery. I hate going to that hospital only because of the memories associated with it. The few days or so after my surgery I started reacting to the pain killers I was administered. I had so many horrifying hallucinations, and I told my dad that I don't remember much, but I remember more than I let on. I was absolutely terrified out of my mind. Just thinking about what happened makes me freak. I remember calling 911, which is something my dad thinks I don't remember doing. My dad noticed what I was doing and he slammed my phone shut and had to call back and explain the situation. I guess everything was ok, because no policemen or firemen came busting down the doors. I guess I also thought that I heard people talking about killing me and I got out of bed and dove into the bathroom and locked the door because I thought I heard them coming in my room. Diving was definitely not something I should have been doing. I mean, I was not even supposed to put weight on my leg, let alone dive anywhere. But I was unharmed from that experience... to my father's surprise. I also remember being so scared that I started to stutter. I remember shaking constantly, and I remember how scared and paranoid I was. I remember way more than everyone else thinks. But I wish I didn't. I wish I would have forgotten everything.

dread weight

Mid terms are coming up and I am eating myself up with anxiety. No peace until I get these stupid classes over with. I have so much to read and study and so little time and energy to accomplish it. I feel so useless and unintelligent. Time is racing past me and here I sit at the computer complaining about how little time I have. Yeah, that sounds about right when it comes to how I act. I better start studying. My fries are in the oven I should check on them.

peace among the chaos...

I am laying in bed (obviously, I am still recovering), and I am watching my cat sleep. I can hear her breathe in. It is eerily peaceful to hear her sleep. It's hard to find peace lately with so much depression and stress. I need deliverance from myself.

Despair and Self Deception...

I am pretty depressed. It is so hard to do homework online. I am falling into the same pit that I always did when I was going to school. I neglect my homework from time to time, and I gradually just abandon it all together. I need help. I thought I was snapped out of the school neglecting coma. I thought I was strong enough. I am never going to catch up, and I am never going to amount to anything. It is so hard to get myself out of this state of mind. This problem is stronger and smarter than me. I need God's help, but I have neglected Him too. I know he will accept me back in his unfaltering grace. It feels like I am stuck in quicksand, and somehow I am watching myself sink down helplessly with a feeling of justification. It is not easy to type this. I never share this with anyone. It is like I get stage fright every time I try to write down my feelings. Even when it is in a journal, my brain just shuts down. Even as I type I blanking- I don't even know how to describe it, it's like my mind is holed up in some sanitarium room. It's all white and sterile, smelling of disinfectant, and it has no windows or furniture... just white walls and white tile floors. It is blank, just like my mind. Only God can pull me out of this, sometimes I think not even He can help me. My biggest enemy is my human nature, who minimizes God and limits His power. My human nature tells me that I need to fix myself on my own. The Holy Spirit tells me in the smallest of voices, that I almost don't recognize, that He is the only way. It is a civil war between the Holy Spirit, and the sinful side of me. I have to start protecting myself from my own thoughts, otherwise I will die, making only myself suffer. God help me. I can't type anymore.