Try to Keep on Keepin On

   "Show me my silver lining. (I try to keep on keepin on.)" It rings in my ears like the cries of the ghosts from my past. This haunts me in a different way. It's the cry of my heart. I don't feel I belong at CCU anymore. I don't know my purpose. "I'm tired of looking for answers." I grow weary of wandering aimlessly in attempt to find my path in life. Maybe I don't have a path. Maybe God's will is for me to wander aimlessly like the Israelites for a while. I need him in the midst of this desert though. I keep looking back at the tracks I've made in the sand, only to see them swept away by the wild wind. I see all I do here being swept away as if it never happened. Everything I do becomes undone. "Show me my silver lining."
 
 "These shackles I've made in an attempt to be free." I fashion my own makeshift freedom that ends up enslaving me more than I was before. These scars on my arms brought me no freedom. My wayward life did not fulfill me. I need freedom in Christ alone. I have to depend on Him as my only source of freedom.


...to be continued...

   My Silver Lining- First Aid Kit

For Karisa, Love Erin

 

Transformation Tuesday... Something I've learned over the past 3 years is that just because you lose the weight, doesn't mean you lose the insecurities that went with it. My insecurities related to my body, are not something I can "lose" like a certain number of lbs. Insecurities come from the heart. My insecure heart keeps telling me to lose more weight, because I'm still not happy. I may have reached my weight-loss goal, but the act of reaching that goal did not satisfy. Deep down, we do not love our friends according to their outward appearance, so why do we think that we have to look a certain way in order to love ourselves? The only way I've become truly happy is accepting that I am loved no matter what. True and lasting change starts with the heart. No amount of "behavior modification" could ever solve a heart issue. For example, I tried everything to lose weight. I starved myself, binged and purged, ran many miles with a severe birth defect, but at the end of the day, it all came from the wrong motivation. I only did this because I believed that my sense of worth came from my outer appearance. I believed the lie that who I was as a person, was measured and summed up by the number of lbs on the scale. I tried to lose weight for everyone but myself. I didn't care about being healthy or taking care of the body with which God has blessed me. I just wanted to belong and be accepted by a shallow version of society. The diets I tried, the anorexia, the bulimia, the dangerous exercise, were just another way I punished myself, and nothing more than an expression of hatred toward myself. I'm not saying I no longer struggle with these insecurities. I most definitely do, but the way I handle them now has changed. Eating to numb the pain of depression and low self-worth is one form of self-loathing. Dieting and exercising to lose weight is ultimately to feel good about yourself and get rid of your low self-worth, which is still just a different way of numbing the pain and another form of self-loathing. I dieted because I hated what I looked like, and I associated what I looked like with my identity as a human being. It's only a quick fix though. It's instant and temporary gratification that causes delayed and enduring pain. Like I said, I may have reached my goal, but the act of reaching my goal has not made me love myself more, because love does not depend on outward appearance. My goal now is to merely be transformed by the renewing of my mind... to know God and His unending, unconditional love for me. I want an identity not in myself, my looks, my actions, my thoughts, or words. I want my identity to come from God, because God loves me. God is Love. Love changes the heart. And the heart is what really matters.

Television was (not just) my babysitter

I stared at his dreamy, chiseled, porcelain face in awe. His face was a work of art. His cheekbones could cut diamonds. His piercing eyes could shoot an arrow straight into my heart, and his chin oh boy that chin. In the grand scheme of life, in the glowing tapestry of what I want to be when I grow up, I want to be Conan O'Brien. I want his ginger hair. I want his charming personality. I want his laugh, his humor, and his comedic timing, but most of all, I just want his freaking show. I want to be on television. I want to be the one from which everyone gets news about the president, because let's be honest, no one has the attention span to sit down and watch the news. It's not even funny! Or god forbid read a freaking newspaper. Especially if there aren't any pictures. Forget about it. I want to be a baby sitter's saving grace when the kids won't calm down and she just needs some quiet time while they watch the boob-toob. I want to host Saturday Night Live and have my face streamed across every lap-top in every college student's dorm room in between watching videos of cats and naked Miley Cyrus abusing construction equipment. I want my friends to say "I knew that girl. I made fun of her in high school. I guess I shouldn't have been a huge douche bag because now she's famous, and there is no chance I would be able to ask her for money or even hope to hang out with her. If only I would have seen her for the vibrant, effervescent, and hilarious young woman she really is instead of only seeing her as a 220 lb loser in high school." But I'll be honest, they will never be able to say that because most of them  cannot use words with more than 2 syllables, let alone pronounce the word "effervescent" correctly. It's okay high school friends, I forgive you. To me television is not just a form of entertainment. Television is art. Acting, set design, script writing, production, directing, costumes, makeup, is artistry. And heck, even getting donuts, fetching sparkling water, picking out the brown M&M's of each bowl, and doing other ridiculous things for stuck-up stars and their high-maintenance eating habits (is something I would totally do for someone like Emma Stone although she does not seem like that kind of a person) is artistry. What am I getting at here? Well, crap, I forgot... hold on... I need to read the beginning of this post to see for myself. Oh yeah. Television shows like Sherlock, Community, SNL, The Walking Dead, New Girl, Conan O'Brien, and The Carol Burnett show (I have a thing for redheads) are what inspired me to audition for musicals and pursue theater and even (very) recently decide to minor in theater at Colorado Christian University. I first became interested in these television shows not because they were entertaining or a way to pass the time, but because I could relate to each character. I could see myself in each character, and I didn't feel so abnormal anymore. Jess from New Girl showed me that it's okay to sometimes sing sentences or break into song during a conversation. Sherlock taught me that it's okay to be sociopathic sometimes, as long as you have a Watson around to bring you back to earth and deflate your giant sun sized head around which everything revolves. Once I saw that my differences were often the same differences that made a television character so funny or cool or relatable, I did not feel as much like a weird, selfish, egotistical doofus anymore. Television has inspired me to be that character for another Erin Darling out there in the world who is insecure about who she really is. I want to be the actor that, through their performance, can communicate that just because you are different, quirky, weird, or not accepted by society, YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND IT'S OKAY TO BE YOU. I want to continue to pursue theater and acting after I graduate. I want to show everyone that there are people just like you who struggle day to day externally with others and internally as well through the characters I portray. I want everyone to know that I am one of those people. I am egotistical, spontaneous, annoying, naive, analytical, hyper, weird, and lazy. Television has shown me that I am I am the sidekick, the hero, the villain, the damsel, the old fart, the clueless inspector, the robot, the snot-nosed kid, the cocky dirt-bag, the attractive leading lady, the plaid shirt wearing assistant, the crazy asian, the monkey named Annie's Boobs, the smart old neighbor, and the surprisingly wise janitor. I am me, and I'm not perfect, but I am not alone.

Confessions of a moralist.

Today is Sunday, and I was supposed to go to church like a good Christian, but I didn’t. I tried to get a ride, but it didn’t work out. I thought “Good. Now I have more time to finish homework.” Instead I found myself pulling up a podcast on Spiritual Formation vs. Moral Formation by John Coe. (Now was that just expert procrastination, or the Holy Spirit? I’ll let you be the judge.) He talked about moral formation. Moral formation was defined as a way we try to hide our bad with good things we do; a way we cover up the guilt and shame that comes with our bad, and how we try to prove to others our worth and that we are lovable that comes from our insecurity of knowing our badness and thinking no one will ever love us if they see who we truly are inside. It’s the attempt to fix/grow/transform ourselves whenever we feel convicted by doing good things. He stated that spiritual disciplines do not grow you. It is only by the work of the Holy Spirit. Because “Apart from Christ, we can do nothing.” Christian life is about denouncing the moral life as a way of happiness and trying to please God. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more or less. 

Just because we feel dry in our spiritual lives, does not mean that nothing is happening. It is the Holy Spirit taking us on a journey. He is opening us up to a relationship with God, abiding in Him. John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” We cannot “bear fruit” unless we abide in Jesus! The “good works” come from abiding or depending on God, not the other way around! I mix this up constantly. I constantly try to fix myself and manage my life so I can be a better servant of God. That’s not what Jesus was about! He didn’t die for us and take away our sin and give us his righteousness so we could continue trying to fix ourselves! He took away our sin so we could have a relationship with God again!! So we could come near to Him, abide in Him, and depend on Him! 

So John Coe also said that if we are convicted by our sin, and our first response is “I’m going to do better,” or “I’m going to work on it and fix it” then we might be a moralist! (Did that sound like a Jeff Foxworthy joke to you too? You might be a moralist if…) Apart from Christ I can do nothing. A speaker in CCU chapel last week worded it like this: It would be like trying to keep a balloon filled with oxygen off the ground. You constantly have to hit it up into the air, only for it to come right back down. Instead, we could just fill it with helium, and then it’s not by our own power that we need to keep that stinkin balloon up in the air! We rely on something apart from ourselves to keep the balloon up, and it’s LESS WORK! Bam. Moralism.

“If awareness of your own sin results in feelings of frustration, self-rejection, and failure, so much so that you don’t want to feel these things, then you might be a moralist. Moralists cannot bear the awareness of being a failure; they cannot bear the awareness of the truth of their motivations; or knowing what really drives them…. And in this we have missed the point of self-awareness. We’ve missed the point of awareness of sin because awareness of bad is a door into love and grace. Awareness of our sin should lead us into awareness of God’s love in the midst of our sin! Our self-awareness should not shame us into deep depression or a motivation to try to be a better person, but it should turn our self-awareness into rejoicing! “I CAN’T GET RID OF MY BAD ON MY OWN BUT HOORAY CUZ CHRIST DID IT FOR ME! I AM NOT DEAD ANYMORE! I HAVE NEW LIFE! THE GOSPEL IS TOTALLY RAD!” Guilt can be healthy. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt says “I did bad.” and shame says “I am bad.” Healthy conviction would sound like “I can’t and do not want to do anything apart from Christ. I need Jesus.” 

So now it’s personal application time. I am a moralist. I’m a painfully self-aware person. I see my sin and failure, and it discourages me from doing anything out of fear that I’ll mess it up. I pray and pray that God will help me to see myself as He sees me, and to take away my self-doubt. But what if the self-doubt forces me to rely on Jesus? What if God is trying to remind me through my self-doubt and guilt, that He has saved me from all of that? What if God is just poking those thoughts into my brain to remind me of the amazing grace He has offered me? Instead of rebuking my self-awareness, Christ has allowed me the freedom to worship Him! I can worship God in my self-awareness of sin by being thankful for saving me from my sin! Instead of focusing inward, I can now focus on God. 

2 Corinthians 1:9 says “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” This is my all time favorite verse. It’s underlined in my bible with little girly hearts next to it. My heart feels as though I am constantly living out the final moments of my death sentence. Depression really does that to me sometimes. But that verse says that we can choose to focus on the death sentence, the depression, the self-doubt, the enormous amount of sin and failure that clogs up our soul and rely on ourselves to fix it, OR we can focus on the miracle of God’s power to raise the dead and rely on Him to do the same for us. I don’t know about you, but I like option 2. And yeah I intentionally phrased that to sound like a T-Swift song. You can judge me. It’s okay. So yeah. There’s a purpose in all this suffering, guilt, and shame, and it’s not to make yourself a better person. It’s to rely on God, who raises the dead.  

So now I’m kind of nervous, because I have about 2 hours to do some homework until I work at 3-10. After getting home tonight, I don’t know how motivated I will be to do homework. Maybe if I don’t get my homework done, I can direct my profs to my blog and tell them it’s the Holy Spirit’s fault…. 

After God's Heart

   So I should be working on my homework... but I am procrastinating. On a professional level. I've convinced myself that my soul needs to write about Jesus and all He's done in my life and other profound things like that. Yeah Jesus takes precedence over homework, right? Right.

   I'm at work right now, listening to a song called Love is All Around. My cynical heart immediately throws up from the cheese and disgust and hatred toward anything mushy, but secretly my heart wants all of that. My heart has been conditioned to think that if I don't have something, then I have to hate everyone else who does. Maybe that's why I hate romantic comedies so much... No I just hate them because they are so cheesy and predictable and they always star Kate Hudson and Matthew Macono- I don't even care how you spell his last name. I'm just sick of them. 

   

   So anyway... today I've been meditating on Psalm 136, the chapter in Psalm that repeats "His love endures forever." It got me wondering why David would repeat that 26 times? He states something about God and follows it in every single verse with "His love endures forever." I wonder at his motivation for writing that so much. It kind of reminds me of the junior high days when I had a crush on someone and I would write his name 1000+ times on my notebook. Not the cover where everyone could see, but on the very last page, where no one would ever think to look because I was a smart sneaky paranoid junior high student. 

   

   I would like to think that David had the same feeling I did when I wrote my crush's name all over my notebook. (Minus the unhealthy, stalker-y, obsession-y aspect of it.) I think David was just so enamored with God's love that every time he wrote "His love endures forever." It felt like the first time writing it, or he felt like he hadn't written it enough. It didn't do God justice to just say it once. I want a love like that.

 

  Or maybe David was going through a rough time. Maybe David needed to constantly remind himself that God's love endures forever. In that case, I totally get that. My own worst enemy is my faulty memory. I wish I could go throughout my day remembering everything God has done for me and feel all the love that He is constantly pouring on me, but then again, if that were the case, then I would always be focused on what's behind me. I would be focused on superficial things. 

   

   So my goal at the beginning of the semester was to love the lord my God with my heart, soul, and strength, but especially and specifically with my mind. I wanted to learn how to love God by doing well in school. The more school went on, the more I realized how hard it really is, especially being so distracted all the time. I started praying for God to help me get my homework done. The prayers stopped being about Him and others, and started becoming about managing my life. 

   In my Old Testament class, our teacher got on his soapbox like he usually does and preached about using God to manage your life. (Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE when my teachers preach. Especially Koerper.) That's when I realized how much I was using God as my personal assistant. 

   That's when my focus changed. Instead of asking God to solve all of my problems, I'm just going to focus on spending more time with Him. I'm done trying to fix myself. That's what I'm always about is fixing myself so that I can be a better person so that I don't need Jesus as much. My pride wants me to be able to stand on my own even if I'm like a newborn baby giraffe, but my heart says that apart from Christ I can do nothing. So I just want more Jesus. I always need more of Jesus, but now more than ever I want to be near Him. I want and need that constant reminder that His love endures forever. 

   I want the love that David had for God. I want the kind of love that makes me write all over my things about God's ridiculous love for me. I don't care if that sounds silly, cuz let's be honest. David stripped down to his undies because he was so excited about God. There are worse things I could do. I want to be the woman after God's own heart, and nothing else. Not personal gain, not good grades, not a boyfriend or husband, social status, friends, or applause. I just want God's own heart. 

Confessions

   So I've been looking back at all I've been through and reflecting on what God has helped me endure. There are a lot of things I haven't admitted here, so I figure I may as well be honest, because I'm not perfect, and I don't try to be. This past summer I tried to commit suicide. I tried to overdose on sleeping pills. I obviously failed. There are a lot of days I wish I hadn't failed. There are a lot of days I am glad I did. Some days I remind myself that God must really want me on this earth for a reason, otherwise I would have just died that night.
   Life is a constant battle for me. I battle for the motivation to do simple tasks like homework and staying organized. I battle myself every single moment. There are a lot of times that I absolutely hate myself. To say that I see any worth in myself would be a lie. The one thing I do know is true though is that Christ gives me worth. Whether I had any worth to begin with or not. Like I said, I've been through a lot, but that doesn't mean I have everything figured out.
   I swear like a sailor, I am selfish, I hate my body, I hate my looks, I hold grudges toward those who make fun of me, I am so stinkin quick to judge, I pretend I am strong, I am controlling, I put up walls so I don't get hurt, I am ungrateful, I lie, I lust, I'm arrogant, I'm so stubborn, I'm rude, I am so so broken. More broken than I could ever know, and that kills me. Sometimes so much so, that I forget that Christ loves me deeper than my brokenness. He's redeemed me and made me a new creation. Most of the time I forget, or I don't feel like a new creation. Most of the time I know the world would be better off without me.
   I know that God has me in this place for some reason. I am not struggling with all this depression, insecurity, and suicidal thoughts in vain. I am not writing this for your sympathy. That's not what I'm after. What I'm after is that I am done pretending that I have it all together. It's not helping me or anyone. I just want the world to know that I am a sinner, saved by grace. I am covered by Christ's blood, not because of anything I've done, but because for some crazy awesome out of this world reason, He loves me. For some odd reason, He created me with a specific purpose. I'm clay in His hands. I'm not a masterpiece yet, but I'm not just a lump of un-molded clay anymore either.
   I am not defined by my failure or how well I know and follow the teachings of the bible. (Thank God.)  I am defined by Jesus Christ and Him alone. I just pray during that the next attack of depression and suicidal thoughts, I will remember this and hope. I know that someday I will rise up. It may be a while, but it is someday. I may despair, but that is only because I know there is hope. "There cannot be despair without hope."
   I am so thankful to be here at school going through these struggles, because I know I am not alone. I have such a good community of fellow believers who build me up and see worth in me when I cannot. I know I am going through all this crap for a reason. It has a purpose. Right now, my job is not to figure out what that purpose is or trust God to fix my life. He is not a personal assistant. Right now my job is to draw closer to Him and seek Him first. Not to get something. Not for any gain other than to spend time with Him, to love and be loved by Him. So that's what I'm going to do. At freaking 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm going to spend time with Jesus. That's how I roll. That's what I need. I just need more Jesus. Thank God that Jesus is and will always be more than enough for me. I can never need Him too much.
   Okay enough gabbing. If you're reading this, I just ask that you pray for me. Maybe share with me your struggles. I'm a freaking open book now, so why not open up too? Just because we go to a Christian college, doesn't mean we can't share our struggles. I'm not going to judge. I mean, who am I anyway? Just a fiery punk redhead. Vulnerability breeds connection. You want a true sense of community? Get vulnerable. Share crap that you are too embarrassed to share with others. You won't believe the freedom you get. Truth will set you free. Do it. Now. Okay not now, I'm about to pray and go to sleep.
   To sum up this post, I am a sinner. I have nothing to brag about except for my savior. My God is awesome. He loves me though I don't even remotely deserve it. The end.

The pursuit of pursuit.

   Faith story. I don't like that term. To me, it implies work on our behalf to get to Jesus. I think it sounds like it's implying too much on our behalf. What made me come to this decision? I don't know. I guess just being lonely. To you, that doesn't quite make sense, but let me explain. All of my friends are getting married. I'm just getting tattoos. I just saw a first dance at a reception on Saturday. It was so beautiful that it almost made me cry. I don't cry. I think crying is stupid and messy and it gives me headaches. I've only cried during 3 movies. Mrs. Doubtfire, Men in Black 3, and The Princess and The Frog. But to see two people so in love get to share a beautiful moment together just made me tear up.
   All that to say, I'm lonely. I miss being pursued. Every girl longs to be pursued. I was thinking about this as I rode my bike to church today after youth Sunday. Oh yeah! Today was youth Sunday! I led worship today with my youth band! I always get nervous leading worship in "big people church" because I feel this pressure to be someone I'm not. I feel the need to be formal and impactful and speak the word of God so that I convict and bring people to tears. I need to invoke a response... any response out of the congregation. I'm so afraid I'll say something stupid or accidentally blaspheme, or stumble and stutter my way through something stupid to say. I feel like Moses. He was slow of speech. I'm sometimes slow of thought. I don't articulate my thoughts very well. I know what I want to say, but it doesn't always come out right.
   I read about how Moses told the burning bush he couldn't lead the Isrealites out of Egypt. God said "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:11-12.  
   So that was... somewhat comforting, but I still wasn't convinced. I asked God to give me a sign as obvious as a flaming plant on youth Sunday to show me that worship leading is something He is calling me to do with the rest of my life because so far, all it was doing was causing me so much stress and feeding my insecurities. I kept reading and internally freaking out about how I was going to mess up the worship on Sunday and completely distract people from the presence of God. Then I read this: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14.
   Pretty sneaky, God. I love this verse because it applies to so so much in my life right now. The internal battle going on inside me, all the stress that worship leading puts me through, my fight for control, my fight against my insecurities. We are all in a battle. The human nature is "fight or flight" it's one or the other. But the bible says to go against your human instinct and just let go. My mind pictured me in a bunch of knight armor in the heat of battle, and then I just lay down my weapons and take off my helmet and armor. Do you see the risk in letting someone else fight a battle for you? You're completely exposed! You run the risk of having a spear or sword run through you. Or your head chopped off! (My imagination makes me laugh sometimes. I seriously did imagine being beheaded.) But not with God. God never loses a battle. Trust me. I've fought him many times. So right then and there, after I read that verse, I prayed. I let go of my insecurity. I let go of the worries about youth Sunday. I let God fight that battle for me. And guess what? Youth Sunday went really well. It was the most fun I've had ever leading worship in "big people church." It felt eerily natural which I've never felt before. Even with some powerpoint problems and some awkward issues with my mic stand, it all went so smoothly that I know for a fact God was in complete control. God either works with me or in spite of me. He orchestrated the whole thing, and I just happened to be an instrument in it. That made me feel awesome.
   There is something so freeing about knowing you aren't in control and God is. It's peaceful and awesome. So anyway, back to whatever I originally set out to talk about... ummmm.... now I have to look back at the beginning of my post to check, because I totally forgot... Oh! Being pursued. Right now, I desperately want to be pursued. Like so much, it's unhealthy. I want to be pursued by all the boys. All. The. Boys. I just want to know that I'm worth it. I want approval. That I'm worthy of being pursued. Then, while I was biking home today, telling God how much I wanted to be pursued, I realized.... God's been pursuing me this whole time. My entire life even. He chose me and He approves of me, and He is pursuing me with a holy passion. Even in my darkest moments when I denied God. Even in the moments where I would try to play God in my own life. Even when I chose worthless idols over the Almighty. Even now while I complain about not feeling pursued!
   I look back at everything I've experienced in my life, and I see God in ALL of it. I mean, every single moment. And it brings me to tears. I've been chosen. It's never meant so much to me before in all my life. God chose ME. Even though I'm selfish and immature and irresponsible and absent minded and proud and controlling and sarcastic and fickle and impatient and SO STINKING SPITEFUL. God CHOSE me. Why? Because underdogs are God's specialty. He loves me. I'm a lovable underdog. I feel so blessed and undeserving. That's how this grace thing works I guess.
   So back to this whole "faith story" thing. I don't like it. I want to call it something else. I want to call it  "the story of God's pursuit of a sinner and how she finally gave in," but that's too long of a title. I just don't want people to look at me and say, that girl was searching for Jesus and finally found him. Because let's get one thing straight, I wasn't ever searching for Jesus. I was searching for fulfillment and purpose in every avenue other than Jesus. Jesus pursued me. I did nothing of my own power to come to my faith in Jesus. My story is just a story of how my brokenness brought me to my knees at the foot of the cross. I didn't do anything to find Jesus. He found me. And praise the Lord; I saw the Light.

Phat, but with an f

   I think it is safe to say I am out of the pit. Or I'm at least in the process of pulling myself out of the pit. Now I'm kind of... I don't know... wary I guess is the word. Wary of moving forward. I'm exhausted from all I've been through. Absolutely exhausted. My excitement for the day I leave for Colorado is clouded by the utter shell shock of the past year.
   In my weary state, all I want to do is rest. I want to rest in things like movies and tv shows and internet. These things give my brain a chance to check out and numb the pain. But I know that is not the answer. It's time to rest in the Lord. He says to come to Him, all who are weary and heavy laden, and He will give us rest. So I guess the first step in this process would be to go to the Lord.
   With camp coming up, I'm not feeling that usual sense of excitement. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to screw everything up. I'm scared I will not make camp as impactful as it should be. Every year has been so successful that I feel all this pressure to exceed that expectation. What I'm forgetting is that all that success did not come from the work I did. It came from the Lord. Instead of relying on my strengths to make camp awesome, I need to rely on God. If I try to make camp better than last year, than I've already missed the point of camp.
   Now so far my summer has not nearly been as cool as last year. I've just been going to work and church and home. For the fourth of July, I saw my dad which has become too rare of an occasion in my life. I stayed with him and had a wonderful time. I went to the Blues Fest in Davenport with my friend Gretchen and experienced some REAL music. I only regret using the time I set aside to see my dad to do something else with someone else. I feel really bad about that. What little time we spend together is already so precious, and I just took away from that.
   There hasn't been a drive home from my father's in which I haven't cried. Every single stinking time I leave I hate it. I hate not knowing when I'll see my dad again. I just want to go eat something to make me feel better. Oh that's another little parasite that has been gnawing at my brain. I've gained weight since last summer. I've gained about 10 lbs and I can see it. Every time I see a picture of me from last summer, I feel so embarrassed at how I look now.
   Here's a life lesson to all you insecure women out there: If you have insecurities about yourself at 220 lbs, you will still have the same insecurities at 140 lbs. Just because the weight goes away, doesn't mean the problem does. In addition to the heartache I experience when I look at a thinner version of myself, every time I hate on myself for gaining weight, I beat myself up for not accepting myself for who I am at whatever weight I happen to be. How messed up is that?? It just makes me sad at my broken state.
   Oh and boys, here's a little lesson for you as well: DON'T EVER CALL A WOMAN FAT. EVER. (Okay so obviously there is some deep seeded pain from personal experience coming out here. A boy called me fat in front of my whole youth group, my youth pastor, my small group leader, and all my friends, and no one stood up for me. That happened in middle school, and I'm still not over it yet. That's how much it hurt.) Don't call a woman fat. Even if she's the skinniest person in the world, and she may know it. She still has insecurities and you will only be feeding them. She will hate herself and carry those issues around for the rest of her life. Nothing breaks down a woman more than being made fun of. Period. Now I cannot blame my bully completely for my problems. I'm not a complete victim here. There's an old saying: Inside every person is two dogs fighting each other. One is good, and one is evil. The dog that wins is the dog you feed more. It's ultimately your choice ladies, but men... Come on. Don't be douchebags. I obviously have some forgiveness issues here. Phew, shake it off Erin.
   In order to feed the good dog, I'm going to need some divine intervention. I can't just be better at talking myself up. I can't just try harder at loving myself. That's not how the soul works. It's trusting that there is nothing I can do on my own to better myself and trusting God to help me.
   On a lighter, more miracle based note, God is providing for me. I've been praying for the means to buy myself a new laptop, and God just gave me a laptop. My cousin gifted it to me, even though he was going to sell it and use the money to buy a much needed car for him and his family. I am so blessed, my cousin David is truly a blessing, and God is so awesome. I'll just end this on that note and try to get my buns to bed now. Goodnight everyone. God bless.
 

A necessary death sentence

   To me, not having a best friend in which to share everything is the worst kind of hell. It means I cannot find affirmation and value through someone else. Right now I'm suffering. There is so much I want to say, but no one to hear it. I went to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to talk to him about my anxiety attacks and suicidal episodes, and he said after everything I've been through this past year, it's normal. Normal? The word stabbed me with every beat of my heart, keeping a steady rhythm like a sick metronome. If this is normal, then I don't want any part of it. I was so sure that he would just diagnose me and give me some more medicine to cure me. It scared me to know that what I was going through was normal.
   I walked out of the office in complete shock and terror. I felt like I was walking back to my car in pitch darkness groping around for any type of support or sign of life. I felt like I had just plead guilty and had been sentenced to death. I walked to my car like it was the gallows. I sat in my car and cried. I cried in despair and cried out to God. "I don't want to deal with this anymore" has become a common plea and is no exception in this case. Being so overwhelmed with depression and anxiety that it makes death look like my only friend is not something I want to continue to deal with. It just downright sucks.
   My heart sobbed while my soul sang an all too familiar tune to me which became so much more literal and meaningful than it had ever been before: "Indeed in our very hearts we felt the sentence of death, but this happened that we may not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:9) This death sentence I've incurred is necessary. I need this death sentence. Otherwise I will only rely on my own dwindling strength to get through and eventually give up. And my God raises the dead, so in Him I have hope. I've been in pain for the past few months, so much so that sometimes I just want to end it all, but this pain will not go in vain. For some reason and in some way, God is working this together for my good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.
   I'm so close to leaving for Colorado. 47 days. It feels like an eternity. Some days I don't think I can make it one more day. Some days I just want to go home to be with Jesus, because I have absolutely nothing to offer this world. I have left a path of pain and destruction in my wake, and I don't want that for anyone. I don't mean to end this post on a sour note, so I'll just end with some reassurance. Right now, not having someone close to go to has forced me to go to God. It's been good. Also, I'm trusting God in this time of despair and hopelessness. "I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope." (Bane from The Dark Knight Rises)
   Which brings me to my next topic, tattoos. I'm getting a tattoo. This decision was made on April 14th. The tattoo will say Rise up in Moroccan Arabic. It's the chant the prisoners scream as Bruce Wayne climbs from the Lazarus pit from The Dark Knight Rises. I had made some horrible life decisions and I told a friend "I feel like Bruce Wayne when he's thrown into the pit, but I have no desire to climb up and escape because I belong down here with all the criminal scum. I deserve to rot at the bottom of the pit." And to that, my friend said "When all you know is darkness, the idea of light gives little comfort and freedom and just seems like an illusion, so you embrace the darkness like you belong there. Trust those of us who know the light. Trust us right now, then later, when you are in the light, you can trust the light." Then they said "Rise, rise, RISE!"
   That's why I'm getting the tattoo. As a reminder of the darkness I've been in. It's a reminder to see myself the way God sees me and to keep rising through the darkness. It will help me remember that I will never be so lost or broken or defeated or so deep in the pit that God can't allow me to rise up from it. My hope comes from above and I just need to lift up my head for deliverance, and the Lord will enable me to rise up and meet it.
   I may seem completely hopeless and beaten down and depressed, but God. That's it. But God. I have God in my life and He is my only hope right now. I hold out hope that He has something awesome planned for me and that He loves even though I hate myself. He sees something in me that I cannot. Even though I feel weak and incapable of doing anything right, I can hope in the Lord because He uses the weak to lead the strong. Underdogs are His specialty.
   I mean, Sampson was one slice of beefcake, and then he went and got stupid with a girl and lost all his strength then got blinded, bound, and captured. But God still used him to take down an entire city! God STILL used Sampson! God used Sampson in his weakest, most broken down state! God could have chosen to use him when he had all his strength, but it's that much more of a miracle when God used him in his weakness!
   I don't know what's in store for me, maybe I'll get to take down a city with a donkey's jawbone, I don't know. Only 47 days. All I have to do is make the most of the time I have with the God I love and the people who support me. I need to be thankful of what I have and for what I don't have. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows." James 1:17. I will rise up.

تيجي بسرعة

(This is my tattoo. I'm getting it on my wrist. Judge me all you want. I don't care.)

A feeble attempt at poetry.

   All these happy ever afters. Are you ever happy after? "If only" is your uphill battle cry. Crying and striving for just a little more to satisfy. Just go a little further, it will help affirm your worth. You're only worth something if someone tells you so.
   You give in and you're left broken and bare, completely torn apart inside. You're left writhing in pain, as empty as the promises of the world. Trying to cover up with the fig leaves of your pride. Grasping for fig leaves to cover your nakedness, cover it all before God approaches. He can't see you in this shameful state. He can't see you bare and wallowing in all your selfishness, idolatry, greed, lust, sin, and hate. 
   Damaged goods. That's all you'll ever be. Return to sender. You're too broken to mend. You're worthless now, just settle with what you have. To do what you want is to deny what you need, just lie there and bleed in your sin. Give in. Give up. You can't win. You're corrupt. Far past any change you could make. 
   You stand before God, clothed in the meager leaves you have sewn, staring up from the grave you have dug, you're alone and bare before your almighty Creator. With tears in your eyes, you stare into the only grace you have ever known. All you have to do is reach up and touch his cloak, believing in the healing power of God's only son. Accepting that the uphill battle you constantly fight, He's already won. Just believe, and the rest is history.

   I'm struggling so much with the limitations of my humanity and the guilt of my sin, and this is just the out-pour of my heart right now. I'm just trying to combat these feelings with God's promises. The grace of God trumps everything.
   The verse I keep repeating over and over again is Jonah 1:9, but I'm going to give a little more of the passage to put it into perspective. This is a prayer from Jonah to God when he is stuck in the belly of a huge fish that has just eaten him. (Such a crazy awesome story.) All things considered, at least I'm not being digested by a giant smelly fish right now.
Jonah 1:6-9
 "To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord."
   (The bold parts are my favorite parts.) The more I think about it, the more I feel like Jonah. God is telling me to go one way, and I'm just being a giant brat and going the other way. I should have gone to Ninevah. Now I'm just chilling here with partially digested whale food. The cool thing is, that God is teaching me and growing me into a stronger person while I'm down here swimming in stomach acid. I can throw up tons of prayers to God while I myself am waiting to be thrown up. He listens to my prayers and loves me just as much as if I would have chosen Ninevah in the first place. God is awesome, and I'm just fish food.

I am Jack's broken pelvis.

   I always have this overwhelming desire to connect with one person who gets me more than anyone else. The one person who appreciates my sarcasm and quick wit. Someone who laughs at my jokes, and doesn't think I'm weird. Someone who sees my love of God and working with crazy junior high students as the coolest thing about me. Someone who sees my love of dressing up for youth group theme nights, doing crazy makeup, my inability to pay attention, random outbursts of song, and love subtext in movies, love of musicals, Dr. Horrible, and Community, and all around quirkiness, as awesome qualities. Someone who looks past my selfishness, addiction to attention, insecurity, and emotional craziness and loves me anyway. A friend who is there for me at all times, doesn't put up with my crap, and prays for me as much as I would for them.
   The problem is, my need for that person drives me to just about anyone. It especially drives me to the wrong person who isn't firmly rooted in Christ. I start to compromise myself to be with them, and become a person that I cannot stand. It's definitely harmed me more than it's helped me.
So often I forget that I am a created being. I forget that my God knows exactly who I am because He made me that way. God loves me. All of me. Flaws and all, and I'm not going to find that love in anyone else. Nothing will ever compare.
   Now comes the hard part. I have to finish my semester without a friend to build me up in Christ, spend time with me, pour into me, and let me pour into them in fellowship as well. I don't have someone to grow with me in our relationship with Christ. All I have is God. And I'm positive that He planned it that way on purpose. God is pretty cool like that.
   I wish I could say that He is all I need right now, but I'm weak. I'm learning to stand in God alone, but it's a slow process. I've idolized the friendship of others, and now God is ripping them away from me. I am a deformed pelvis.... just let me explain...
   I was born with deformed hips. The socket of my pelvis was shallow, so the ball of my femur would dislocate from time to time, causing me an extreme amount of pain. I had to have surgery on my hips to fix the deformity.  The sawed off the ball of my femur and rotated it, and screwed it back on, and rearranged my pelvis so the ball and socket would fit together.
   I had to have doctors go inside me and basically tear everything apart so it could heal and function better than it did before. The pain of the surgery was pretty unbearable, but compared to the years and years of limping around with dislocated hips, the pain was completely worth it. Now my hips are healed and I've lost tons of weight and I'm functioning better than ever. The temporary pain of the surgery was worth the long term benefits. A few days ago, I was a pre-operation hip. (In case you didn't get that.) I've been warped and deformed by my own selfish desires and it's preventing me from truly growing and flourishing.
   I'm post-op now, and I can definitely say the pain sucks. Now it's time for me to heal again. I'm definitely reeling from being hurt, but relieved that God is healing me out of this brokenness. I would say I'm now in the phase where I'm on crutches, because the bone is starting to set correctly.
   I can only pray right now to remain in God until I leave for Colorado in August... oh you didn't know? Well I got accepted into Colorado Christian University, and I have just paid my tuition and housing deposit! I will be leaving August 12th to look for jobs before school starts on the 26th. I am extremely stoked!!! I just need to make it to August. I just need to make it to August. Lord Almighty give me strength.
  

Cheesy, cliche letter to myself.

Dear Erin,
Someone out there is waiting for you. Someone out there is praying for you. That someone has been chosen by God to sweep you off your feet and captivate your very heart and soul. That someone is strong in the Lord. He is a leader. He is everything you need in a man. God is pretty good at giving you what you need, right? I mean, after 22 years of struggling and wrestling with God, the one thing you have learned is that He gives you what you need. There are men in your life who you want right now, but they are not what you need. (You don't need a man in your life period.) Anyway, they will not wait for you like this special someone is waiting for you. Don't lose sight of what is important. God is still teaching you patience, and this is one way of exercising some patience. Wait for that special someone. Don't get all bleary eyed looking out the window every day waiting for him either. Wait on the Lord instead. God is whom you should be focused on right now. I only write this to you to help you realize that you are worth waiting for, because someone is doing just that right now. You are worth more than what is right in front of you. There is a man out there worth more than any man you could get right now. Wait. Don't let waiting for this man become your idol though. Someday he will be there plain as the sunrise, but just like the sunrise, it comes in its own time. Don't waste your time on sighing over what he will be like or who he could be. Just follow God and consider it a wonderful surprise when you happen upon each other someday. God wants you to focus on Him right now and let tomorrow worry about itself. God wants what is best for you right now, and right now, your best is finishing your school in Galesburg to the best of your ability and knowing God more. Do this for God's glory right now. Serve God right now in the little things, and later, He will entrust you to serve Him with the big things. Remember to live by grace everyday and not by your own works. Remember that everyone is to be loved, and not just those who treat you with kindness and respect. Jerks need love too. God calls you to love the jerks, because frankly, Erin, you are a huge jerk most of the time anyway, and God loves you in all your jerkiness. Love those who don't deserve it, so they may see the face of God. Be gracious as God has been gracious to you. Live a life worthy of the sacrifice Christ made on your behalf, and when you don't, cling to God all the more for help, forgiveness, and direction. Focus on knowing God more. Really knowing Him. Remember why you fell in love with the God of the universe in the first place. Focus on these things, and someday that someone will take your breath away when you least expect  it, when you cast this worry upon Him. Finding that someone is not the end all, be all. Life will not suddenly become worth living when this happens. Christ makes life worth living, so live it! Erin, God made you beautiful. He sees your worth and beauty even though you never have. Even in your weakness God makes you strong, so what more have you to fear?! He has given you a purpose. He has made you a new creation! The old is gone, and behold! The new has come! Stop living life as an old creation and live life anew! God loves you at your worst. Only God is worth taking up your cross daily. Die to yourself and live for Him. You will fail, but remember that Christ never does. Jehovah-Jireh. God is your provider. So now that I've written all of this to you, you need to get out of bed, dust yourself off, drink some more caffeine, and do some homework. Do it for God's glory. Then spend some time thanking Him for everything he has given to you and everything he has taken away from you. Thank God for adopting you as His child. Go from here a changed woman. Not because you vow to try harder or do better. Trying harder and doing better will not get you far without a changed heart. But do this because God has changed you from the inside out. God has changed you, and by His grace, He will continue to grow you into an outstanding young woman of God. All the glory and honor and power go to God and God alone.
Amen.

I put the attitude in Beatitude.

Today has been awful. I've become this person I don't like. A selfish jerk. I'm screwing up everything. (Now I know that this isn't true, but it's how I feel.) I feel a little depressed, lonely, angry, and hopeless. My piano teacher told me today that I lack confidence. I mean, tell me something I don't know, but she said I am perfectly capable of sight reading. I guess I am realizing that that statement applies to more than just sight reading. To quote my favorite character Megan, from the ultimate chick flick, Bridesmaids "You are your problem Annie, and you are also your solution." I can sit around and think I am incapable, and I am at certain things, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. I am so afraid to try for fear of failure. I only want to try the things in which I know I will succeed, but the bible says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I guess that even applies to schoolwork. Fear of failure can be an excuse to never do anything. I love being lazy. I guess it's more than laziness. It's selfishness. I want to do what I want when I want. I am subject to my own impulses. A slave really, and the bible says I cannot serve two masters. I cannot serve God and myself. It's time to grow up. I've fallen into this rut of self satisfaction that is tearing me away from God, and life really sucks right now. What sucks even more is knowing I've put myself in this giant hole, because I thought doing what I wanted would make me happy. It's made me quite depressed. It's funny how life works like that. What society tells us about being happy "Do what you want, and you will be happy.  Do good things, and only look out for yourself or you will get hurt." Jesus took all of those standards and ripped them apart. The beatitudes say it all.

Matthew 5:1-12

1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

It's so different than anything the world has ever taught. Blessed are the people who don't search for happiness. Who don't live life for themselves. Blessed are those who become slaves to the cross, for in that they will find freedom. The people who humble themselves and become last in the eyes of the world, will be first in the eyes of Christ. In this we will find true fulfillment. I am done living a life for myself. It doesn't do me any good anyway. I am not happy living this way. I want to live a life for Christ, to serve Him and strive to please my Creator, not to make me feel good or to be blessed, but because I know putting to death my selfish desires to serve Christ is the only life worth living.

   So now I'm faced with a choice. I can choose to give in to myself and go to bed sad, or I can seek God in my hopelessness through prayer and bible reading. Hmm... tough choice...

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

3 years.

   Last night I got home pretty late. I drove home from a friend's house completely nodding off, but I made it. When I got home, I went on facebook before bed, because honestly I NEEDED to. Kidding. I'm just a weenie who can't wait until morning.
   For some reason, the though popped into my brain that it had been three years since my first hip surgery. I wanted to post a status about it, and then I decided to link an old blog post to it. I searched through my old posts to find one worthy of facebook, and I ended up just reading through most of my old posts and marveling at how much God has grown me since then.
   He has brought me through so much, and yet I live my life as if I am entitled to it. I spent a couple hours reading through the first extremely depressing posts about the surgery, which slowly turned reflection into what God was doing in my life.
    At some point something clicked with me, and God got a hold of my heart. Reading those posts just left me speechless about how ungrateful I am about my life today. If I didn't have those surgeries, I would have arthritis in my hips today, and I'd barely be able to walk. But because God loves me so much, He revealed by a miracle that I needed surgery.
   I am just so thankful of the life I have right now. God has blessed me with joyous memories and trials that have grown me into a stronger woman of God. I do believe blessings come through trials. I believe God works all things together for our good. This includes our addictions, our failures, our weaknesses, our triumphs, pride, talents, selfishness, and inability. God uses these to refine us like gold in the fire.
   So after I read through a bunch of my old blog posts, I stopped and prayed. Really prayed this time. It wasn't rushed or just prayed to get in some interaction with God. It was the first time I felt like I had finally slowed down enough to mean my prayer. (At 4 in the morning, anyone can feel slowed down enough for pretty much anything.)
   I started praising God for His amazing grace in my life, apologizing for living a life unworthy of what He's given me, and asking for wisdom to discern how to handle the many freedoms I now have in my life.
   What I mean by that is, I've never been thin or beautiful before. I've never had to deal with the temptation that comes with men. I see how much freedom I have with my body, and it's been really hard to remain pure.  When I was heavy, no guy would even look at me the way they do now, so by default I never had to deal with it. With all this freedom, comes so much difficulty. I like the way guys look at me, and sometimes I'm tempted to do really stupid things.
   Now that I'm not recovering from surgery, or in the process of losing weight, waiting to get back into school, or going through life without any friends, I have so much more freedom, so many more choices. I can do so much with my time. When I was stuck and had no where else to go, following God was so easy. Now, I'm dealing with all of the choices that come with freedom, and I'm sinking under the weight.
   ....So I prayed for wisdom and self discipline. I prayed to find my security in Christ alone, and not other guys. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me until there is nothing left of myself. I prayed for the motivation to get up and go to work the next day because it was now 5am, and I would be running on about 5 hours of sleep for the rest of the day.
   After I prayed for that and everyone on my prayer board, I turned on a podcast by Tim Keller about work, based in Genesis, and tried to go to sleep. I drifted off with thankfulness and praise of God on my lips. I just thanked God over and over for all He has done in my life and for who He is. I'm so in love with God. Enough from me. I have to go to work now. God bless.

Proverbs 16:7-9
When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

8 Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.

Joy to the world and stuff

   I never understood holiday depression until now. I had to spend two separate Christmases this year for the first time. I saw my dad last night, and stayed til 4 today, and now I'm back with my mom. I'd trade everything for my family to be together (and happy being together) for Christmas.
   After Mike and I left my dad's I started crying quietly in the passenger seat. I just hate saying goodbye to my dad. He now has to spend the rest of his holiday alone and I hate it. I hurt for him. He works so hard and comes home to an empty apartment and it kills me. I feel awful. I just want to be there for him. I love my dad so much, and it's just not fair that I don't get to see him. I look up to my dad for Godly advice and support. I can tell him everything and he doesn't judge me.
   I've been praying hard for him to find a friend and some sense of community to support him. I'm praying he finds everything he needs in God. I'm praying he isn't alone. I'm praying for his health and his bad knee to be as pain free as possible until he can get his knee surgery. I'm also praying that I will be available to help him when he does have his surgery.
   Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I don't find much joy in any of it. I do however, for the first time, fully understand and appreciate Christ's sacrifice for us in coming to earth as a human. I am trying to remain in awe of that and focus on the reason we are celebrating Christmas.
   It's just so hard right now because I feel all alone. I can't stop crying. I want to have fun with my family and experience happiness, but right now I just can't. I'm also trying to remember that so many people have it worse than me right now. I'm trying so hard to keep perspective and be thankful things are not worse. I really am trying. I'm trying to read God's word and let Him speak into my life, but I cannot even focus on reading.
   I just want to go to bed. Please know that I'm not throwing a pity party for myself right now, I'm trying so hard to fight this. I'm trying to guard my heart. It's just a losing battle as of right now. Please pray for me. I'm just in a lot of pain over this right now. I just want to spend time with God and draw strength from His presence.
   Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Glorified memories

   I've been reading through old facebook messages from old friends lately in the hopes of feeling more secure about myself by just remembering that someone used to care for me. I just wanted to remember what it was like to be loved and understood by someone close.
   As I read through the messages, I searched for that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get whenever I was around them. It just wasn't there. As I read on, I realized how much I had put this person on a pedestal. This person used to be my savior in so many situations. The once amazing friendship I thought had saved me from so much, was now nothing more than glorified memories.
   I'm not saying that I regret these friendships, or that these people don't mean anything to me now. God placed these certain people in my life to encourage, support, help me learn more about myself and my weaknesses, and teach me that even these amazing people who were so good to me still distracted me from my relationship with Him. I guess what's good for me isn't always what's best for me.
   I keep thinking I'm missing out on so much because I am single and have only a few close friends. I'm so insecure about who I am because I don't have that one special guy who loves me, loves God, and understands me better than anyone else.
   I've been looking for security in others, but to no avail. I want to find my redemption in another person. All the while, I'm trying to seek God, and at the same time, seek contentment in these fleeting things. How totally ridiculous. I cannot serve two masters anymore.
   I realize now, that all I want is Christ. Nothing else in this world even measures up. I can spend all my time doing what makes me feel good, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me happy. My joy comes from Jesus.
   It's been really difficult seeking God through His word, because right now I'm reading through Ezekiel. It's a gloomy book of prophecy that is kind of a bummer. It's really hard to focus on applying gloomy prophecy to my own life. This morning I woke up, and all I wanted to do was read Ezekiel. I don't know why, and it definitely surprised me when I realized it. But I flipped open my laptop and read through Ezekiel. This one passage really stuck with me today...


Ezekiel 36:24-32
24” ‘For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God. 29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you. 30 I will increase the fruit of the trees and the crops of the field, so that you will no longer suffer disgrace among the nations because of famine. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways and wicked deeds, and you will loathe yourselves for your sins and detestable practices. 32 I want you to know that I am not doing this for your sake, declares the Sovereign Lord. Be ashamed and disgraced for your conduct, O house of Israel!

   God revealed this passage to me, and revealed Himself through this passage as well. I am not where I want to be right now, and I'm completely ashamed of my idolatry. But I am also so glad for these humbling experiences in my past. I've made horrible choices, but knowing that God will not let me make horrible choices without learning and growing from them is comforting.
   As I relax today and listen to the blizzard beat against this tiny house, I realize that my security lies in Christ alone. I now face my entire Christmas break, college applications, and time to spend with friends. Please pray that seek Christ through all of this. I need all the help I can get. God is good. All the time. It's so good to once again see how true this is.

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song."

Singing a new song

   This is a song I started composing in the shower today. (I'm tellin ya, my best work comes from the shower.) It was inspired by my frustration toward my selfishness, and my awe of God in spite all that. It's pretty simple. I'm not going to pretend it's theologically deep or that it will be a freakin masterpiece musically. This is just something that really came from my heart. It was inspired by how I'm living my life right now.
   I'm not trying to be flashy with words or impress anyone with my skills. I know that the lyrics are simple, but I'm a simple person, so I don't really need any of that. Quite honestly, I am not at all confident in my writing abilities... or lack there of.
   I'm mainly putting this out for the world to see as my testimony so that people can know I am not perfect nor pretending to be. Far from it. I acknowledge my weaknesses, and count them as opportunities for God to do wonders. 
   I have to admit though, after I got out of the shower, I was super stoked that the Holy Spirit laid this on my heart. I was also super stoked that I finally had a song that I wasn't completely ashamed of. It's not something I plan to try to get famous off of or even perform for people. This is mainly just my personal prayer to God from where I'm at right now.
   It's my cry of frustration with myself and a reminder of who my God is in the midst of my frustration. I don't really care if you don't like it, because it's not for you anyway. So enjoy it, or don't.
   As of right now, this is titled Work in Progress...

Verse 1
I've failed again.
I've been seduced by sin. I let my idols win.
So here I stand.
Shameful in your presence. Stained by my own selfishness.
I run away, try to clean my stain.
Forgetting You've already washed me.
When you died and rose again.

Pre-chorus
I do the things I want to do.
It's not the thing I ought to do, so help me Lord to follow You.

ChorusMy flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."

Verse 2
I cling to you.
Knowing all the while. I still cling to my idol.
I cannot see.
That serving you means I can no longer continue serving me.
 So take my life. And let me see
My mess, my stain, and failure will be used for Your glory.


Pre-chorus
I do the things I want to do.
It's not the thing I ought to do, so help me Lord to follow You.

Chorus
My flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."

Bridge
Oh beautiful tragedy, comparing my humanity with God's divinity.
In my sin and pride, I sent Christ to the cross.
But God demonstrated His love, when He sent Christ to die for us.


Chorus
My flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."

...That's all I have so far. Like I said, it's my own song and it's a work in progress. This is where I'm at in my walk with God as of right now. I guess to sum it all up, I'm being stubborn. God is so awesome though. I don't know how He puts up with me sometimes, I can be such a selfish brat... but I'm so grateful He does. Praise God for never changing or failing!

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

   It's been quite a while since my last post. Finals are less than a week away. I can taste winter break on my tongue; it tastes like onions and ketchup. My finals consist of Chemistry, Music Theory, and Public Speaking.
   Speaking of public speaking, I gave a speech only two days ago in that class. It was a persuasive speech. It was pretty persuasive in my opinion. The topic of said persuasive speech was "Prepare yourself for a zombie apocalypse."
   Yeah that's right. I dressed up like a crazy hobo on the street and... you know what? Just watch for yourself. It's up on facebook. Doing speeches like that and performing just makes me feel like I belong on this earth. I'm good at it, and people enjoy it. It's just something that is not very useful in the adult world unless you get a job in acting or something. Which is very very unlikely. So that bums me out a little.
   I've been very... what's the word... lackluster in my relationship with God. I mean, when I seek Him and spend time with Him, it's great. That time is few and far between though. I was so fired up over the summer. I encountered God like I never had before and He provided healing and blessing and it was wonderful... Now... well... life has gotten in the way.
   I hate how fickle I am. How can I be so easily distracted and seduced away from an amazingGod by frivolous idols? And most of the time, I don't even notice I haven't spent time with God in a while. It's messed up. I want to burn with passion for my Creator again. I want to thirst after God. I want life to suck until I spend time with God. I don't want to be able to live without Him. It's not really living without Him anyway.
   I'm ready to get out of Galesburg, but I'm kind of scared of what the next stage of life brings. I've become so comfortable here. Even in my loneliness and without a Christian community, I've been able to survive and become comfortable, because I've forgotten what it's like to be surrounded by people who love Jesus and build me up in my walk with Him.
   I'm afraid when I get to college, when I move on, I'm not going to find my niche. I'm going to fail. I don't want that. I want to be able to serve God with all of my weird talents and quirks and abilities, but I'm not sure how.
   I mentioned that every now and then I spend time with God, and it is amazing when I do. God has been so faithful to my lusting heart. He has provided and opened my eyes to His amazing grace every day. Over Christmas break, I plan to seek God more diligently. I want to know Christ. Really know Him and live my life worthy of His calling.
   I also plan to apply for colleges. I'm so so terrified of this. It's a huge step for me. I'm sure though, that when it's all said and done and look back on this, I'll be happy where I'm at and laugh at my fear of growing up. I'm an adult. Time to watch some Spongebob while I study chemistry. Peace out.

Pride and shower poetry

   The musical is over. My heart is crying from both despair and joy. My life has all but come to a complete halt. My relationship with God is not where it used to be. I'm in a state of insecurity. Questioning everything. I'm pretty scared at how my life has changed since the beginning of the semester. 

   I've gotten so much praise about my role in the musical. People tell me I'm very talented, and I shouldn't let this talent go to waste. It's made me wonder if this is something God has in store for me, or if this is something that I just want to do so badly that I am questioning whether I want to do what God's will is for my life and just pursue what I want to do. I enjoy performing so much, but given the overall quality of my life that's resulted from the musical, I don't know think it would be a wise decision to pursue a career in that field.

   I haven't been at church for a few weeks, because I work at noon and quite honestly, it was my one day to sleep in. Go ahead and judge me. I can take it. I haven't been to youth group in weeks because of Wednesday night musical rehearsal. 

   Not being able to participate in my one favorite thing in the world has definitely taken a toll on me as well. But the depressing thing about being so busy is that you forget that the things your are missing in your life due to busyness are so so amazing. You eventually forget that you even miss them. Such is the case with youth group and even my relationship with God.

   I've had no community or fellowship with any believers for the past few weeks. I've had no communion or fellowship with God in the past few weeks. I guess I shouldn't be surprised then at why my life is kind of a mess right now. I've made some very foolish decisions and re-formed some old bad habits. 

   I thought I would be okay on my own. Pride does that to you. It lulls you into a false sense of security in your abilities and alters your reality. I'm so weak without God. I've become someone I hate without Him. I'm so scared that I'm in this place right now. I never thought I'd fall so far from God. Now I'm just questioning whether I was really committed to Him at all in the first place. 

   In this moment, I picture God just shaking His head at me. Exhaling a sigh of exasperation, and walking away, completely tired of me. It's how I feel about myself. Shame on me for projecting my personality onto my God who is the ultimate antonym of me. 

   I'm trying to convince myself that God still loved me even in the very moment when I was knowingly disobeying Him. Grace is the easiest and hardest concept to understand. I'm just so ashamed of myself. Now starts the detox process, and I'm trying so hard to glean what God is trying to teach me right now... I mean, of course beside the obvious lesson being that I needed to be humbled a bit.

   I was in the shower last night and this little verse popped into my head. Apparently the sensitive, creative poet that hides deep within my soul only emerges when I'm showering. If I were a skilled songwriter, I would turn this into a song, but I'm not... or maybe I just need to shower more often.

~I know the things I ought to do, it's not the thing I want to do. So help me Lord to follow you.

Oh glorious tragedy, comparing my humanity to Your divinity.~

   Last night, I was talking with a wonderful friend about life. After chatting for a bit, we realized we were going through the same thing. I almost started crying. God is taking care of both of us. It was no coincidence that we happened to talk to each other last night. I thanked God for revealing His love for me. Tonight, I plan on reading my bible and some epic prayer time. It's time to get reacquainted with my Creator. 

   

I'm a wet match in a dark cave

   Okay I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty lonely. I miss my community of christian friends. It's so hard to be a follower of Christ on my own. It's so hard to be a light that shines for Jesus. All alone, I'm just a little light. This little light of mine... is about as bright as a dim cell phone screen in a dark room.
   Temptation is everywhere. I'm in the trenches right now just trying not to be blown to bits. Every single day is a fight for my faith. A fight against my idols. A battle against my own selfishness and desire for instant gratification.
   Right now, it's a losing battle. I was driving home today, praying and pouring my heart out to God. I prayed to find satisfaction in Him. I selfishly prayed for just a glimpse at His plan for my life so I can have some shard of hope to cling to. I prayed for peace over my life. I prayed for other people too, but mostly me. The point is, I prayed. I haven't done that in a while. Then a song I liked came on the radio and I was gone.
   As I was driving... okay speeding... I sped up behind a car that was driving 10 miles under the speed limit. Initially, I got pretty angry. I hate slow drivers. But then something weird happened. A total God thing. A still small voice in my heart told me that this is a reflection of my life right now. I'm speeding through it, just trying to get to my next destination. I need to slow down and take in the journey. I need to appreciate where I am right this second and where I've been and not just focus on my goals and the destination.
   I'm so ready to get out of Galesburg and go to college and grow up. I'm so ready to move on and begin my life. I need to appreciate being in Galesburg. I need to be grateful for the journey God is taking me on.    
   So, instead of furiously changing lanes and passing the old grandpa driving in front of me, I slowed down and enjoyed the ride. I looked at the beautiful trees passing by, and I worshiped God. It was wonderful. One of my better worship experiences.
   So now, I must turn in. I have a music theory test in the morning and I need to get up early to study for it.... Yeah my weekend was too packed with work and rehearsal and hanging out with friends til 2am to do something so trivial as homework and studying. I'm an adult. Okay goodnight everyone!