Thursday, February 2, 2012
Worship leader... me?
Oh dear today was a busy day! The life of a music major can be quite action packed. Let me give you some insight into my routine for today...
Piano class at 9am, Ear training at 10am, Music Theory at 11am, Comp 2 at 1pm, Choir from 2:30-3:45, voice lessons from 3:45-5:15. Then I rushed over to church for worship team practice at 6:30 to about 8:40. (I am leading worship for the 11am contemporary service this Sunday morning. [*Girly squeal!]) (Yeah I used brackets inside parenthesis, and yes it was thoroughly awkward but I'm leaving them. So there!) Needless to say, after about 2 hours of homework and some bible reading, I am exhausted! Today has been so awesome though!
I led the practice for worship band tonight which was horrifying until we got started. I was afraid that my short attention span lack of organization skills, would make me a bad leader. A good friend helped me through and God blessed me with some focus! I'm super uber excited about the service this Sunday!
God has been so good to me this past week. I have been anything but obedient or willing to please Him. I've just been a bit depressed and unmotivated to do anything, and complacent with where I was. I broke down emotionally in the car on my way to walgreens, and just prayed straight from the heart and cried.
I don't want to lead this Sunday's service with a selfish attitude or any motives to give myself any glory or praise. I have issues with wanting to please others. I crave the applause of anyone and everyone. I've just been intensely praying that I would do all this for the glory of God. His applause is the only applause that ever matters.
I want to bring glory to God because He deserves it sooo much more than I! Without God, I would just be a "funny girl." I would be so shallow. God gives me depth of character. Everything that is good about me, is because of God. All my goodness comes from God!
I also have issues with insecurity. I'm extremely nervous about the service. (That soooo rhymed and made me unnecessarily excited!) I want to do well, but I'm afraid that who I am is not good enough to lead a whole congregation of church goers in worship. I'm scared! I'll admit it! When I look in the mirror, I see a 21 year old punk who is not very smart, pretty naive, and unable to handle such a huge responsibility. I'm praying for the wisdom to see myself as not just an incapable sinner, but a sinner saved by grace who can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I asked forgiveness of my sins that I had forgotten to repent, or had been to arrogant to acknowledge as sins. I prayed for healing from all the situations that I have let damage my heart. For some help guarding my heart from any more attacks waged by anyone else, and especially myself. God never fails. I'm so thankful for His forgiveness! I continue to hold tight to His promises and live His will for my life. I pray you do too dear reader.
Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them? For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Oh, hi there! I'm back!
Seven days have gone by without a post?! Oh I do apologize! I've been in a funk lately. Too lethargic to blog or do much of anything. This past weekend has just been filled with activities! Let me fill you in, dear reader:
I left for a weekend winter retreat for junior high students on Friday. This retreat was at Faith Bible Camp and had a few other churches there as well. I ended up being a counselor in a cabin of eight 7th and 8th grade girls with two other high school junior counselors. Are you starting to connect the dots? That means that I was in charge of a whole cabin! When I first found out, I was rather intimidated. In fact, I was downright panicking. I was certain I could not handle it. (I can barely take care of myself, let alone 8 other girls.)
After my initial panic attack, the room stopped spinning and my head cleared. I realized that God was providing me an opportunity to grow. I have spent so much time fretting, crying, beating myself up, just trying to survive in my own house, and this retreat was the perfect chance to heal by administering to others. It is better to give than to receive, and it is better to serve than be served.
I led cabin devotions (prepared the about 10 minutes beforehand), woke the girls up at 7am, and even woke myself up at 6am! I bonded with with some 7th grade guys over favorite superheroes, debated with them over the status of heroes like Batman, Ironman, and the Green Lantern in light of the fact that they don't have any superpowers. In my opinion, of course they are superheroes! (Aquaman has superpowers but is far less useful than anyone without powers.) I watched students grow in their faith, and worship God without hesitation. I have to say the most amazing night though, was definitely Saturday night during cabin devotions. I asked the girls some questions about the message which had to do with choosing to follow the world or following God.
I asked them point blank, "If it's so easy to follow the world, why do we follow God?" I expected a lot of silence and some Sunday school answers but the girl's answers astounded me. Some talked about being angry at God when a friend died, but they realized God may have a bigger plan in store for them and others through their friend's death. Some mentioned being a Christian all their life and never "getting it" until they went to camp during the summer. They finally made their faith their own and not their parents. Some mentioned that they know God loves them so much and forgives them whenever they ask. They never experience that kind of love anywhere else. All of them said that nothing else makes sense. Their lives following God is more fulfilling than doing whatever they want. I hated to cut the discussion short, but being the responsible adult counselor, I knew that 12:30 am is a little late to be awake.
As I flicked the lights off and uttered some scattered "shh's" while I slid back into my bed, I teared up. My joy was just overflowing. For the first time, I knew that what I had mentioned in small our small group discussions at youth group had not been ignored. I felt useful. These girls were actually listening to me and apparently what I was saying was having an impact on them.
I give all the glory to God of course, but I mention this because I have been feeling so useless. I have been thinking that my purpose in life is just to entertain people. I hated who I was because I didn't think I was smart or articulate enough to get through to these girls about God's love for them, that all I did well was make people laugh. God revealed to me that even if I really was stupid and inarticulate, He could still use me to impact the world. After all, using the under-qualified is His specialty right?
Through my transition from introversion to extroversion, I realized that I was so much happier. When I stopped worrying about myself and trying to fix myself, God started to heal me. Now that I have poked my head out of my shell and have gazed upon the miraculous world around me, I can see the big picture clearly. ("I can see clearly now the rain has gone! I can see all obstacles in my way... It's gonna be a bright -Bright!- Bright, sunshine day! ... Musical turrets strikes again!)
God really impacted everyone during the winter retreat. I am so thankful I got to serve in it. God is so good! He's renewed my sense of purpose, and my relationship with Him. So many students have come home changed by this weekend because of God. It's nice to be a part of something bigger than myself. It's especially nice to be a part of something apart from myself as well... did that make sense? It did in my head... maybe not so much now that I read it...
The point of this is, God is working through me and using my flaws to bring glory to Him. Even my sins and horrible flaws have a purpose for God's glory?! Say what?! Yeah, it's true! God works in mysterious ways! So grab the Mystery Machine, Scooby and the rest of those meddling kids and search for the mysterious things God is doing in your life!
I left for a weekend winter retreat for junior high students on Friday. This retreat was at Faith Bible Camp and had a few other churches there as well. I ended up being a counselor in a cabin of eight 7th and 8th grade girls with two other high school junior counselors. Are you starting to connect the dots? That means that I was in charge of a whole cabin! When I first found out, I was rather intimidated. In fact, I was downright panicking. I was certain I could not handle it. (I can barely take care of myself, let alone 8 other girls.)
After my initial panic attack, the room stopped spinning and my head cleared. I realized that God was providing me an opportunity to grow. I have spent so much time fretting, crying, beating myself up, just trying to survive in my own house, and this retreat was the perfect chance to heal by administering to others. It is better to give than to receive, and it is better to serve than be served.
I led cabin devotions (prepared the about 10 minutes beforehand), woke the girls up at 7am, and even woke myself up at 6am! I bonded with with some 7th grade guys over favorite superheroes, debated with them over the status of heroes like Batman, Ironman, and the Green Lantern in light of the fact that they don't have any superpowers. In my opinion, of course they are superheroes! (Aquaman has superpowers but is far less useful than anyone without powers.) I watched students grow in their faith, and worship God without hesitation. I have to say the most amazing night though, was definitely Saturday night during cabin devotions. I asked the girls some questions about the message which had to do with choosing to follow the world or following God.
I asked them point blank, "If it's so easy to follow the world, why do we follow God?" I expected a lot of silence and some Sunday school answers but the girl's answers astounded me. Some talked about being angry at God when a friend died, but they realized God may have a bigger plan in store for them and others through their friend's death. Some mentioned being a Christian all their life and never "getting it" until they went to camp during the summer. They finally made their faith their own and not their parents. Some mentioned that they know God loves them so much and forgives them whenever they ask. They never experience that kind of love anywhere else. All of them said that nothing else makes sense. Their lives following God is more fulfilling than doing whatever they want. I hated to cut the discussion short, but being the responsible adult counselor, I knew that 12:30 am is a little late to be awake.
As I flicked the lights off and uttered some scattered "shh's" while I slid back into my bed, I teared up. My joy was just overflowing. For the first time, I knew that what I had mentioned in small our small group discussions at youth group had not been ignored. I felt useful. These girls were actually listening to me and apparently what I was saying was having an impact on them.
I give all the glory to God of course, but I mention this because I have been feeling so useless. I have been thinking that my purpose in life is just to entertain people. I hated who I was because I didn't think I was smart or articulate enough to get through to these girls about God's love for them, that all I did well was make people laugh. God revealed to me that even if I really was stupid and inarticulate, He could still use me to impact the world. After all, using the under-qualified is His specialty right?
Through my transition from introversion to extroversion, I realized that I was so much happier. When I stopped worrying about myself and trying to fix myself, God started to heal me. Now that I have poked my head out of my shell and have gazed upon the miraculous world around me, I can see the big picture clearly. ("I can see clearly now the rain has gone! I can see all obstacles in my way... It's gonna be a bright -Bright!- Bright, sunshine day! ... Musical turrets strikes again!)
God really impacted everyone during the winter retreat. I am so thankful I got to serve in it. God is so good! He's renewed my sense of purpose, and my relationship with Him. So many students have come home changed by this weekend because of God. It's nice to be a part of something bigger than myself. It's especially nice to be a part of something apart from myself as well... did that make sense? It did in my head... maybe not so much now that I read it...
The point of this is, God is working through me and using my flaws to bring glory to Him. Even my sins and horrible flaws have a purpose for God's glory?! Say what?! Yeah, it's true! God works in mysterious ways! So grab the Mystery Machine, Scooby and the rest of those meddling kids and search for the mysterious things God is doing in your life!
Monday, January 23, 2012
All I want is to have my peace of mind
My weekend
was crazy. I was barely home and had so much fun with my friends. Now
I'm having a fun hangover. I had 8 hours of sleep total for the whole
weekend. (I'm so thankful class starts at 1pm!) Now I get to catch up on
all the responsibilities I shirked over the weekend.
Now is the time I start beating myself up for not planning my weekend better. I tell myself, "Why can't I just organize things like everyone else?!" Everyone else seems to get their homework done on time. Everyone else is responsible. Nobody spends as much time on the computer and television as I do. If I spent less time on distractions and more time on my responsibilities, I would get so much more done. Why can't I just get it together?
I don't know but it has to stop. This weekend was so much fun, and I had no time to even worry about my parents which was a BLESSING. Now it's time to jump back in to reality and "Do work son!" I just feel horrible for how much I've avoided. It's a vicious cycle: I go out and have fun, ignore my to do list, come home exhausted, wake up the next day with the looming to do list, and k.o. myself with guilt beatings.
I pray for peace of mind and the ability to be gracious toward myself.
1 Peter 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Now is the time I start beating myself up for not planning my weekend better. I tell myself, "Why can't I just organize things like everyone else?!" Everyone else seems to get their homework done on time. Everyone else is responsible. Nobody spends as much time on the computer and television as I do. If I spent less time on distractions and more time on my responsibilities, I would get so much more done. Why can't I just get it together?
I don't know but it has to stop. This weekend was so much fun, and I had no time to even worry about my parents which was a BLESSING. Now it's time to jump back in to reality and "Do work son!" I just feel horrible for how much I've avoided. It's a vicious cycle: I go out and have fun, ignore my to do list, come home exhausted, wake up the next day with the looming to do list, and k.o. myself with guilt beatings.
I pray for peace of mind and the ability to be gracious toward myself.
1 Peter 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Direct from God
Today's blog is brought to you by: a broken blogger. I was in Luke today, reading more about Jesus and His ministry on earth. I was amazed by how relational he toward everyone. Some people came to Jesus only to be healed, with no intention of following him. Jesus knows their hearts, but heals them anyway. I'm the kind of person that would be plaguing others into submission if they didn't follow me. "Oh you don't want to go to church today?" BAM! "Have fun with those boils and sores then!" -Yeah I need to work on that...
The bible says that even "sinners" are nice to people who are nice to them. (That in itself is a challenge for me sometimes!) A true follower of God is gracious to everyone. So guess what I'm working on today? No, not my car... although the door does open itself while I'm driving sometimes (I'll save that story for another time)... I'm going to work on grace. Not because I want people to like me, but because of God's grace toward me.
I am so undeserving of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, but Jesus died for me anyway. I want to be like Jesus. I'm going to worry less about failing Him and work on serving Him and others more. I'm going to fail every day in one way or another, that I know. As long as I repent and remember God promises to forgive me, I have no reason to hold on to the guilt.
Today is the day I focus less on myself and more on others. Today is the day God becomes the motivation to press on toward my goals.
"Jesus, be the center. Be my source. Be my light, Jesus"
Luke 6:27-31
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
The bible says that even "sinners" are nice to people who are nice to them. (That in itself is a challenge for me sometimes!) A true follower of God is gracious to everyone. So guess what I'm working on today? No, not my car... although the door does open itself while I'm driving sometimes (I'll save that story for another time)... I'm going to work on grace. Not because I want people to like me, but because of God's grace toward me.
I am so undeserving of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, but Jesus died for me anyway. I want to be like Jesus. I'm going to worry less about failing Him and work on serving Him and others more. I'm going to fail every day in one way or another, that I know. As long as I repent and remember God promises to forgive me, I have no reason to hold on to the guilt.
Today is the day I focus less on myself and more on others. Today is the day God becomes the motivation to press on toward my goals.
"Jesus, be the center. Be my source. Be my light, Jesus"
Luke 6:27-31
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus... and nutella
It's Saturday! In the words of my favorite sponge, "Good morning Bikini Bottom!" Wow, only two hours ago I was eating fruity pebbles and laughing about boys with my best friend! Okay so the fruity pebbles were actually the generic kind. They are called fruity dyno bites! Isn't that exciting?!
So anyway... Today I am off to a choir retreat at 8 am, otherwise I would have slept for more than two hours. I'm about to max on a delicious homemade breakfast that includes homemade nutella, cinnamon rolls, sourdough bread and muffins! Yeah be jealous because not only am I about to eat most likely the best breakfast in history, I'm going to eat it with the coolest choir people in the world.
I've been praying for friends my age ever since I moved to Galesburg and I finally feel like I belong. Sure
most of them aren't Christians but that's part of the great commission right? My friends know I am a Christian and yeah I get jabbed for it every once in a while but it's worth it. They love me for who I am, and they respect my beliefs. Not because I shoved it down their throats when I met them, but because I formed a relationship with them.
So many Christians treat the unsaved as if the only goal is to save them. It's all about the product and never the process. But I've found that Christianity is a lot messier than that. People can see right through it. I'm not saying one cannot successfully witness to others without having previously met them but Jesus lived his life on a relational level. He put himself out there and let others come to him. Being a "fisher of men" requires more than just extensive knowledge about the bible. Witnessing to others requires more than a debate on religion. Witnessing is carried out through how we live our lives as well. Witnesses in court have to be reliable and consistent and upright in character in order for their testimony to be believable by the jury.
I love Jesus, and I want others to share that love that I have with Him. So today as I munch on all the homemade breakfast numminess with my buddies, I'm going to make sure to reflect the love of Jesus. I'm choosing to follow Him, and witness to others by how I live my life. I want them to see the awesome relationship I have with my Creator and say, "Dang, I want a love like that!"
So anyway... Today I am off to a choir retreat at 8 am, otherwise I would have slept for more than two hours. I'm about to max on a delicious homemade breakfast that includes homemade nutella, cinnamon rolls, sourdough bread and muffins! Yeah be jealous because not only am I about to eat most likely the best breakfast in history, I'm going to eat it with the coolest choir people in the world.
I've been praying for friends my age ever since I moved to Galesburg and I finally feel like I belong. Sure
most of them aren't Christians but that's part of the great commission right? My friends know I am a Christian and yeah I get jabbed for it every once in a while but it's worth it. They love me for who I am, and they respect my beliefs. Not because I shoved it down their throats when I met them, but because I formed a relationship with them.
So many Christians treat the unsaved as if the only goal is to save them. It's all about the product and never the process. But I've found that Christianity is a lot messier than that. People can see right through it. I'm not saying one cannot successfully witness to others without having previously met them but Jesus lived his life on a relational level. He put himself out there and let others come to him. Being a "fisher of men" requires more than just extensive knowledge about the bible. Witnessing to others requires more than a debate on religion. Witnessing is carried out through how we live our lives as well. Witnesses in court have to be reliable and consistent and upright in character in order for their testimony to be believable by the jury.
I love Jesus, and I want others to share that love that I have with Him. So today as I munch on all the homemade breakfast numminess with my buddies, I'm going to make sure to reflect the love of Jesus. I'm choosing to follow Him, and witness to others by how I live my life. I want them to see the awesome relationship I have with my Creator and say, "Dang, I want a love like that!"
Friday, January 20, 2012
Anger... Hulk Smash!
I'm not one who usually struggles with bitterness but lately I've been very bitter toward a lot of people. I've forgiven those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me. I'm okay with them being out of my life, but I still have this gut feeling to appease them. I've always been a friend to everyone to the point where I will change myself just to please them. This is ending right now.
I've been verbally beat down by many people. My compassion for people and my desire to avoid conflict prevents me from confronting them. It's been an issue I've struggled with since middle school. I change to be the person my parents want me to be, the person my friends want me to be, I even try to change myself to please people who could care less about me. Why?
It all stems from my insecurity. I feel like who I really am doesn't amount to anything. I find my worth in being well liked among people. When someone doesn't like me, I feel worthless. I've placed my identity in other people. Well guess what? I'm finding my worth in God now, and I'm done trying to kill myself by making others happy or think well of me. My Heavenly Father is the only one I need to please. His relationship with me will be the only relationship to ever satisfy me.
My dear reader, you may think that this all is coming from a very angry blogger. You know what though? I am a little angry. I'll admit it. Not everything I post is going to be all sunshiney and rainbowy and cupcakey and other made up words. (Words that sound ridiculous but make me smile despite my frustration.) I need to be real with you. Most of all, I need to be real with myself. I can't keep telling myself that what others think of me is most important. I can't keep telling myself that I am not angry when I am. I cannot keep telling myself that I'm doing well when I'm struggling everyday. Fooling myself into thinking I'm okay is not helping me change. Fooling myself is especially not helping me heal either.
Don't get me wrong, every blog entry has been straight from my heart, and completely true. But not all of them are going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, because let's face it, I'm human. I'm a sinner. But you know what? I'm not going to change this post just so you will be happy. (No offense)....(Okay, so I'm learning veeerrry slowly how to be my own person, because I do feel somewhat remorseful if that actually offended you.) God loves me! I love me... okay that's not completely true either, so let's just say I'm fond of me. But I don't need approval from anyone else otherwise to help me love myself.
God has provided me with so much in these trials that I can no longer avoid it. I choose to follow God. I choose to please Him with my thoughts and actions. I'm not only going to strive to please God more, I'm also going to let Him affect and become the Lord of every aspect of my life. I'm coming back to the real relationship with Jesus that He has intended for me since I was born.
I was saved by grace through Christ's death on the cross. Now everyday I continue to be saved by grace in my relationship with Him. God has delivered me from the depths, and I have faith that He always will in one way or another. I don't belong to sin anymore. I don't belong to death. I'm not a slave to the amusement of my parents, friends, or enemies. I don't belong to the night. I am a child of light! To God be the glory forever and ever!
1 Thessalonians 5:5
You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.
Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
I've been verbally beat down by many people. My compassion for people and my desire to avoid conflict prevents me from confronting them. It's been an issue I've struggled with since middle school. I change to be the person my parents want me to be, the person my friends want me to be, I even try to change myself to please people who could care less about me. Why?
It all stems from my insecurity. I feel like who I really am doesn't amount to anything. I find my worth in being well liked among people. When someone doesn't like me, I feel worthless. I've placed my identity in other people. Well guess what? I'm finding my worth in God now, and I'm done trying to kill myself by making others happy or think well of me. My Heavenly Father is the only one I need to please. His relationship with me will be the only relationship to ever satisfy me.
My dear reader, you may think that this all is coming from a very angry blogger. You know what though? I am a little angry. I'll admit it. Not everything I post is going to be all sunshiney and rainbowy and cupcakey and other made up words. (Words that sound ridiculous but make me smile despite my frustration.) I need to be real with you. Most of all, I need to be real with myself. I can't keep telling myself that what others think of me is most important. I can't keep telling myself that I am not angry when I am. I cannot keep telling myself that I'm doing well when I'm struggling everyday. Fooling myself into thinking I'm okay is not helping me change. Fooling myself is especially not helping me heal either.
Don't get me wrong, every blog entry has been straight from my heart, and completely true. But not all of them are going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, because let's face it, I'm human. I'm a sinner. But you know what? I'm not going to change this post just so you will be happy. (No offense)....(Okay, so I'm learning veeerrry slowly how to be my own person, because I do feel somewhat remorseful if that actually offended you.) God loves me! I love me... okay that's not completely true either, so let's just say I'm fond of me. But I don't need approval from anyone else otherwise to help me love myself.
God has provided me with so much in these trials that I can no longer avoid it. I choose to follow God. I choose to please Him with my thoughts and actions. I'm not only going to strive to please God more, I'm also going to let Him affect and become the Lord of every aspect of my life. I'm coming back to the real relationship with Jesus that He has intended for me since I was born.
I was saved by grace through Christ's death on the cross. Now everyday I continue to be saved by grace in my relationship with Him. God has delivered me from the depths, and I have faith that He always will in one way or another. I don't belong to sin anymore. I don't belong to death. I'm not a slave to the amusement of my parents, friends, or enemies. I don't belong to the night. I am a child of light! To God be the glory forever and ever!
1 Thessalonians 5:5
You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.
Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Random dancing! (Random blog title)
Today was another day of somewhat normalcy. As I sit on the firm futon, drinking rich cappuccino and watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I wonder if this is the plateau of my healing process. Either way, God has been so good to me throughout this storm I'm weathering. I'm thankful for all of the trials and thankful for this peaceful day as well. What hasn't killed me, has made me stronger by God's power.
I'm thankful for my hilarious friends. I have never laughed so hard around anyone else. I enjoy making people laugh, it's something I really appreciate myself for, but I dearly love to laugh as well. It keeps me from crying. (Fun fact: I actually cry whenever I laugh... tears stream down my face at even the slightest chuckle.)
I mentioned earlier that I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just have to say, how I marvel at musicals. Whoever invented the musical is genius! Who wouldn't want to be able to burst into song and have everyone join in, knowing the melody, lyrics, and choreography without any previous practice?! I know I would love that to happen!
That's why I love searching for flash mob videos online. I found one video of a man who organized a flash mob to propose to his girlfriend. Ah! My heart melted! I do hope I have a husband with a creative mind like that!
It's so weird to be even thinking about my future husband. I'm 21. I'm an adult. In a few years, I could very well be married. I know nothing of God's will for my life, but I would be perfectly happy marrying in 5-10 years. Whatever God's will, is my will as well.
I desire to transfer to Hillsong college in Australia more than anything. I want to study music, and perform. One day I hope to lead worship, or perform in a band like Hillsong United. I can't imagine "getting hitched" with a busy life like that. But my purpose remains in carrying out God's will.
Or maybe I will end up in a movie/musical with Dick Van Dyke and a magical motor car....
(Oh hey, by the way... bursting into song occurred all the time in the bible...)
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."
I'm thankful for my hilarious friends. I have never laughed so hard around anyone else. I enjoy making people laugh, it's something I really appreciate myself for, but I dearly love to laugh as well. It keeps me from crying. (Fun fact: I actually cry whenever I laugh... tears stream down my face at even the slightest chuckle.)
I mentioned earlier that I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just have to say, how I marvel at musicals. Whoever invented the musical is genius! Who wouldn't want to be able to burst into song and have everyone join in, knowing the melody, lyrics, and choreography without any previous practice?! I know I would love that to happen!
That's why I love searching for flash mob videos online. I found one video of a man who organized a flash mob to propose to his girlfriend. Ah! My heart melted! I do hope I have a husband with a creative mind like that!
It's so weird to be even thinking about my future husband. I'm 21. I'm an adult. In a few years, I could very well be married. I know nothing of God's will for my life, but I would be perfectly happy marrying in 5-10 years. Whatever God's will, is my will as well.
I desire to transfer to Hillsong college in Australia more than anything. I want to study music, and perform. One day I hope to lead worship, or perform in a band like Hillsong United. I can't imagine "getting hitched" with a busy life like that. But my purpose remains in carrying out God's will.
Or maybe I will end up in a movie/musical with Dick Van Dyke and a magical motor car....
(Oh hey, by the way... bursting into song occurred all the time in the bible...)
Luke 1:46-55
Mary's Song
46 And Mary said:"My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Somewhat normal
I had a heart to heart with my mother just now. I never knew how much I missed it until tonight. We chatted about my life. That was definitely a new experience. Not once did she bring up her problems with my dad, and for once it seemed like all was right in the world. Life seemed somewhat normal again.
I got to vent about all the drama in my life with her actually listening to me. She didn't judge me or tell me how it was my fault, she just listened. I haven't had that in a while from anyone. I just want to cry right now because it gives me so much hope that I am loved and cared for.
Some say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I just didn't know what's been missing in my life until God showed me. God blessed me with a great day today. Never mind that I have an infection and a fever. My heart is full, my God is good, and my hope is alive.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
I got to vent about all the drama in my life with her actually listening to me. She didn't judge me or tell me how it was my fault, she just listened. I haven't had that in a while from anyone. I just want to cry right now because it gives me so much hope that I am loved and cared for.
Some say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I just didn't know what's been missing in my life until God showed me. God blessed me with a great day today. Never mind that I have an infection and a fever. My heart is full, my God is good, and my hope is alive.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Monday, January 16, 2012
No matter what, I follow God.
I'm all alone in a house with two parents who don't care what happens to the other or how I'm doing in my life.
They talk to me about their problems, and they use me as a mediator between
them. They want me to solve their problems and support them and I have no
support to give plus more problems in my life that I'm trying to handle. I am playing the counselor between them
right now and all I want is for them to leave me alone.
They are using my affection for them to hurt each other. I am being dragged into this divorce war that I should really have no part of. My youth pastor is counseling me and we've decided the best thing I can do is avoid them, because when I listen to them rip apart the other parent, I am enabling them into thinking that it's okay. I don't even have the support of my parents, because they would rather air their dirty laundry to me.
They are using my affection for them to hurt each other. I am being dragged into this divorce war that I should really have no part of. My youth pastor is counseling me and we've decided the best thing I can do is avoid them, because when I listen to them rip apart the other parent, I am enabling them into thinking that it's okay. I don't even have the support of my parents, because they would rather air their dirty laundry to me.
Anything I say, they twist and use as ammo against each other. My dad
asked me if I heard any rumors about him cheating on my mom and I told him the
truth. I told him that she had mentioned it to my brother and I. She was suspicious and she had some substantial evidence
to back it up. He became furious. He started yelling about how she is a gossip
and a control freak and she is spreading rumors about him to ruin his
reputation. At that moment I felt like I had single-handedly
ruined my parents marriage for good. People are spreading rumors about my dad and his old job and his relationship with my mom, which really
bugs me.
For an hour I heard him ranting and he said there are things he could tell me about my mom that would shock me, but he won't because he wants me to love her. I'm just trying to survive in my own house right now. I count myself lucky if my parents don't talk to each other at all on any given day. Otherwise, I am the one who has to maintain peace between them.
I'm a college student. I used to have my own life before my parents decided they were going to split up. I'm losing more and more of myself everyday that I remain in this house. Their problems have consumed my life. Some days I feel great, but today is not one of those days. I have homework to do, a youth band to lead, lines to memorize, a Sunday morning church service worship set list to organize, laundry, practice for voice lessons, practice piano, two books to read... and my own set of issues to deal with like my depression and ADHD. (I need to try ADHD medication while I'm thinking about it. I'm far from focused anymore.) I rarely have motivation to accomplish any of these tasks, especially now. Then the tasks build up, and I feel lazy and I feel bad about myself for not being able to handle it. It's a vicious cycle.
I have a one friend who spends time with me but has problems of her own. I want to be there for her but I am spent. I want to tell her all of this, but I don't want to bring her down.
I desperately want to move out and cut off my parents from my life for awhile. I have no money and no job otherwise I would have moved out awhile ago. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and spent. I'm trying to trust God and give my cares to Him. I really am. I was doing well and I was happy for awhile but right now I'm just discouraged.
This is all coming from a place of hurt and desperation. I want so much to be able to move on, but I can't as long as I'm in this house. God is working this together for my good. All this pain will pay off one day, I believe that with all my heart. But it doesn't make the hurt go away. I have a close relationship with God because of all this, of which I'm extremely thankful.
God is my lifeline right now. I need a network of Christian friends my age to support me. I may not have access to that right now, maybe God will provide me with some friends. Either way God is still in control and can give me everything I need, simply from His presence. Not my will, but God's be done. I will follow Him through all of this. No matter how difficult it may become, I will take it up and follow Jesus. No matter what happens, I have faith, I have hope, and most importantly I have God. He's all I need.
Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
For an hour I heard him ranting and he said there are things he could tell me about my mom that would shock me, but he won't because he wants me to love her. I'm just trying to survive in my own house right now. I count myself lucky if my parents don't talk to each other at all on any given day. Otherwise, I am the one who has to maintain peace between them.
I'm a college student. I used to have my own life before my parents decided they were going to split up. I'm losing more and more of myself everyday that I remain in this house. Their problems have consumed my life. Some days I feel great, but today is not one of those days. I have homework to do, a youth band to lead, lines to memorize, a Sunday morning church service worship set list to organize, laundry, practice for voice lessons, practice piano, two books to read... and my own set of issues to deal with like my depression and ADHD. (I need to try ADHD medication while I'm thinking about it. I'm far from focused anymore.) I rarely have motivation to accomplish any of these tasks, especially now. Then the tasks build up, and I feel lazy and I feel bad about myself for not being able to handle it. It's a vicious cycle.
I have a one friend who spends time with me but has problems of her own. I want to be there for her but I am spent. I want to tell her all of this, but I don't want to bring her down.
I desperately want to move out and cut off my parents from my life for awhile. I have no money and no job otherwise I would have moved out awhile ago. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and spent. I'm trying to trust God and give my cares to Him. I really am. I was doing well and I was happy for awhile but right now I'm just discouraged.
This is all coming from a place of hurt and desperation. I want so much to be able to move on, but I can't as long as I'm in this house. God is working this together for my good. All this pain will pay off one day, I believe that with all my heart. But it doesn't make the hurt go away. I have a close relationship with God because of all this, of which I'm extremely thankful.
God is my lifeline right now. I need a network of Christian friends my age to support me. I may not have access to that right now, maybe God will provide me with some friends. Either way God is still in control and can give me everything I need, simply from His presence. Not my will, but God's be done. I will follow Him through all of this. No matter how difficult it may become, I will take it up and follow Jesus. No matter what happens, I have faith, I have hope, and most importantly I have God. He's all I need.
Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
SONS OF THUNDER!
I should really go to bed. ("Should" being the operative word of course.) I'm watching an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer before I go to bed. I'm a sucker for anything by Joss Whedon! No school tomorrow, so I have some time to sleep in. I am determined to blog everyday. Okay, okay so I technically missed yesterday but I'll submit another entry tonight to make up for it!
It is now day 5 in the 30 days to read the New Testament challenge. I have finished the book of Matthew and I'm in chapter 5 of Mark. Which has only been accomplished by the grace of God. I could never do anything this intense on my own. It's by his power I am even this far into the challenge! Reading all about Jesus and his life on earth really gets me excited. His life on earth is a great example as to how I am to live my life. I love reading the parables as well. It's Jesus way of simplifying his lessons for us so even inattentive goofballs such as myself may understand.
Today, I really focused on faith. Jesus said that even a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I may not be able to see God, but I don't have to to know He's with me. I may not see where my life is headed, but I have faith that God will direct my life into something I am passionate about. I want to move mountains!
I want a faith like Peter, who wasn't afraid to ask Jesus to walk on water. He may have gotten scared and started to sink after he walked a few steps from the boat, but no other disciple can say they trusted Jesus enough to even ask him to walk on water. I want a faith like Peter. I want to walk on water!
I have decided on fasting from Facebook for awhile to work on the priorities in my life, and other various reasons all of which are fairly noble in cause and will spare me an extra few hours in my day I suppose. I spend so much time on distractions.
One of my weaknesses is organization. Most everything I do is out of impulse. It's a part of having ADHD, but it's completely manageable. The hardest part is realizing when I'm being distracted, and giving into my impulses. Today's blog is brought to you by: Self Control! Yes, yes, I know that it is 1:33 a.m. and that just may be the antithesis of self control, but I'm determined to finish!
Mark 3:17
James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder.
(If I ever sing and play in my own band, I am totally naming it Sons of Thunder... pretty hardcore right?!)
It is now day 5 in the 30 days to read the New Testament challenge. I have finished the book of Matthew and I'm in chapter 5 of Mark. Which has only been accomplished by the grace of God. I could never do anything this intense on my own. It's by his power I am even this far into the challenge! Reading all about Jesus and his life on earth really gets me excited. His life on earth is a great example as to how I am to live my life. I love reading the parables as well. It's Jesus way of simplifying his lessons for us so even inattentive goofballs such as myself may understand.
Today, I really focused on faith. Jesus said that even a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I may not be able to see God, but I don't have to to know He's with me. I may not see where my life is headed, but I have faith that God will direct my life into something I am passionate about. I want to move mountains!
I want a faith like Peter, who wasn't afraid to ask Jesus to walk on water. He may have gotten scared and started to sink after he walked a few steps from the boat, but no other disciple can say they trusted Jesus enough to even ask him to walk on water. I want a faith like Peter. I want to walk on water!
I have decided on fasting from Facebook for awhile to work on the priorities in my life, and other various reasons all of which are fairly noble in cause and will spare me an extra few hours in my day I suppose. I spend so much time on distractions.
One of my weaknesses is organization. Most everything I do is out of impulse. It's a part of having ADHD, but it's completely manageable. The hardest part is realizing when I'm being distracted, and giving into my impulses. Today's blog is brought to you by: Self Control! Yes, yes, I know that it is 1:33 a.m. and that just may be the antithesis of self control, but I'm determined to finish!
Mark 3:17
James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder.
(If I ever sing and play in my own band, I am totally naming it Sons of Thunder... pretty hardcore right?!)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Tale as old as time
What is it about Beauty and the Beast that has me so euphoric?! Maybe it's the fact that I watched this movie about a billion times as a child, and a million times as an adult. Maybe it's because I was watching it with my best friend. Maybe it's the memories connected with it. OR maybe it's just a freakin awesome movie, and I love it!
Confession time! Scooch on in... closer... closer... Okay here it goes... *exhale* I can quote the pretty much the whole movie. I know right? A chick who can barely hold her attention in a classroom can pay attention long enough to memorize an entire movie?! I'm thinking the same thing. Maybe if all of my textbooks were made into movie/musicals, I would be a straight A student! (Spielberg, if you are reading this, it's something to think about... Oh, and HI! I love your work!!!!!)
I'm not sure what else to write about today. Oh, how about this? I've decided I'm going to read the New Testament in 30 days! I'm not one for being challenged, so I figured it's about time I start challenging myself. I have issues with motivation. Especially when I am depressed. Any little chore becomes a giant hurdle my mind simply cannot overcome. God's got my back though! He's gotten me this far through school. That is a miracle in and of itself. (With 5 A's and 2 B's no less!)
God has been providing me with so much through this time of adversity! He has me stuck in this tension filled house for a reason and His will in my life will make me happy. God knows me better than I'll ever know myself so He has a specific plan picked out just for me that will be just awesome! So, Hillsong United, here I come!!! (Okay maybe that's just what I want, but you never know!)
Confession time! Scooch on in... closer... closer... Okay here it goes... *exhale* I can quote the pretty much the whole movie. I know right? A chick who can barely hold her attention in a classroom can pay attention long enough to memorize an entire movie?! I'm thinking the same thing. Maybe if all of my textbooks were made into movie/musicals, I would be a straight A student! (Spielberg, if you are reading this, it's something to think about... Oh, and HI! I love your work!!!!!)
I'm not sure what else to write about today. Oh, how about this? I've decided I'm going to read the New Testament in 30 days! I'm not one for being challenged, so I figured it's about time I start challenging myself. I have issues with motivation. Especially when I am depressed. Any little chore becomes a giant hurdle my mind simply cannot overcome. God's got my back though! He's gotten me this far through school. That is a miracle in and of itself. (With 5 A's and 2 B's no less!)
God has been providing me with so much through this time of adversity! He has me stuck in this tension filled house for a reason and His will in my life will make me happy. God knows me better than I'll ever know myself so He has a specific plan picked out just for me that will be just awesome! So, Hillsong United, here I come!!! (Okay maybe that's just what I want, but you never know!)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Today's blog is brought to you by: cruel irony!
Wow. What a day. As the snow accumulated throughout the day, as did my anticipation for a snow day. Guess what?! School was cancelled! After I had attended all but one class.... School was actually cancelled at 2:30, and all my classes except choir took place before then. Ah irony! I do enjoy a good bout of irony! (Even at my expense, I still appreciate it!)
I'd like to say that things are better than ever. I'd like to say that everything is sunshine and marshmallows and rainbows... mmm... marshmallows. (Guess who's hungry?) I'd really like to say that even a couple things in my life were going well, but in all honesty my life has gotten worse. (Cue the sad theme music that plays during the end credits of the t.v. show "The Incredible Hulk".) Does it seem like I'm a little peppier? Oh I'm so glad you asked because... yeah I am. Guess what great epiphany I've had today?! I'm not strong enough, and I can't handle the obstacles in my life.
Yeah, okay it's not really a "let's all go out and celebrate at Buffalo Wild Wings" type of epiphany, but I've had another epiphany. (This one is relevant, I promise! That first epiphany was just so I could draw you in so you'd be all like "Say what?! I need to read more to figure out what she means!" ...Did it work?) (I really think I may be abusing the right to use parenthesis.)
My second epiphany is as follows: God is stronger than any problem I will ever face. He loves me and wants to use me for His glory, even in the midst of my struggles. My God is super cool like that. I've spent so much of my life trying to please others and win their approval. When God is the only one I really need to serve and seek approval. "Well done my good and faithful servant." is the applause I will strive for from now on, because my God will never fail, always love me, and provide for me. He is worth serving. I may not be able to brag about myself, but I will always brag about my God! I give God all the glory.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I'd like to say that things are better than ever. I'd like to say that everything is sunshine and marshmallows and rainbows... mmm... marshmallows. (Guess who's hungry?) I'd really like to say that even a couple things in my life were going well, but in all honesty my life has gotten worse. (Cue the sad theme music that plays during the end credits of the t.v. show "The Incredible Hulk".) Does it seem like I'm a little peppier? Oh I'm so glad you asked because... yeah I am. Guess what great epiphany I've had today?! I'm not strong enough, and I can't handle the obstacles in my life.
Yeah, okay it's not really a "let's all go out and celebrate at Buffalo Wild Wings" type of epiphany, but I've had another epiphany. (This one is relevant, I promise! That first epiphany was just so I could draw you in so you'd be all like "Say what?! I need to read more to figure out what she means!" ...Did it work?) (I really think I may be abusing the right to use parenthesis.)
My second epiphany is as follows: God is stronger than any problem I will ever face. He loves me and wants to use me for His glory, even in the midst of my struggles. My God is super cool like that. I've spent so much of my life trying to please others and win their approval. When God is the only one I really need to serve and seek approval. "Well done my good and faithful servant." is the applause I will strive for from now on, because my God will never fail, always love me, and provide for me. He is worth serving. I may not be able to brag about myself, but I will always brag about my God! I give God all the glory.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
War of my soul
I'm not sure what to talk about today. I've been feeling insecure about myself. Like I'm not enough. Amidst all the struggles with my parents, I've just been feeling ignored. The only time they really come to me is to talk about the other parent. I'm struggling with my purpose right now. I just feel worthless. I know it's a lie, but I don't believe it right now. I've been told by multiple people that the enemy wants me to feel alone, worthless, and unloved. The trouble is that I do. I'm believing the lies. Instead of the listening to the still small voice coming from the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I just feel like I'm complaining too much. The two people I talk to, my boyfriend and my best friend, have heard so much of it that I just feel like I'm bugging them. What better way to vent than semi-anonymously? I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for my parents. I'm praying for joy. I'm praying that you aren't too turned off by this post, whoever you are. I need to start fighting for my life.
I've got to start speaking truths and God's promises to combat this depression. Okay, here it goes.... God is in control, so I'm going through this with a specific purpose in mind and it will work out to better me. I have God always with me, a youth pastor who has opened up his home to me and has been through what I'm going through, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to be happy, and a caring bestie who makes me laugh when I want to cry... so that means I am not alone. Jesus died for me, because He thinks I'm worth dying for and wants me to spend eternity with him... so that means I'm not worthless. He loves me even at my worst moments... so that means I'm loved more than I can ever imagine.
I'm ready for bed now. I've got some homework to do and need some time alone with God. If you are out there, reading this right now... please pray for me. Is that weird to ask? If it is, well, I'm sorry I guess. I just need all the prayer I can get right now. I feel like satan is attacking me in every aspect of my life right now. I guess I should be encouraged by the fact that maybe he is going to all this trouble because God has something great planned for me to offer the world to further the His kingdom. Maybe I can do something awesome for God. "I have seen with my own eyes, your faithfulness oh God. So I refuse to believe the lies that war against my soul."
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I just feel like I'm complaining too much. The two people I talk to, my boyfriend and my best friend, have heard so much of it that I just feel like I'm bugging them. What better way to vent than semi-anonymously? I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for my parents. I'm praying for joy. I'm praying that you aren't too turned off by this post, whoever you are. I need to start fighting for my life.
I've got to start speaking truths and God's promises to combat this depression. Okay, here it goes.... God is in control, so I'm going through this with a specific purpose in mind and it will work out to better me. I have God always with me, a youth pastor who has opened up his home to me and has been through what I'm going through, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to be happy, and a caring bestie who makes me laugh when I want to cry... so that means I am not alone. Jesus died for me, because He thinks I'm worth dying for and wants me to spend eternity with him... so that means I'm not worthless. He loves me even at my worst moments... so that means I'm loved more than I can ever imagine.
I'm ready for bed now. I've got some homework to do and need some time alone with God. If you are out there, reading this right now... please pray for me. Is that weird to ask? If it is, well, I'm sorry I guess. I just need all the prayer I can get right now. I feel like satan is attacking me in every aspect of my life right now. I guess I should be encouraged by the fact that maybe he is going to all this trouble because God has something great planned for me to offer the world to further the His kingdom. Maybe I can do something awesome for God. "I have seen with my own eyes, your faithfulness oh God. So I refuse to believe the lies that war against my soul."
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Just a fool growing wise
After my post yesterday, I decided I needed to spend some time with my creator. I read about Daniel and his integrity when he was faced with a law against, well God basically. Punishable by a gruesome death of being ripped apart by hungry lions. The moment Daniel found out about this law, he went home, to his room flung open the windows and prayed for all to see.
I want a faith like that. Daniel was the kind of guy that resisted any worldly activities that would compromise his relationship with God. He only ate veggies for a while because the meat everyone else ate was "blessed by a pagan God". I could not believe it! Sadly, I care too much of what others would say about me if I ever pulled a stunt like that. I want a faith like Daniel.
One of my new favorite quotes that originated from my devotional book is "Whether we are stand-up Christians or stand-up comics depends upon whose applause we covet". I cried when I read this quote because earlier that day I had made a joke at the expense of another person, and cussed in front of my entire class in order to make them all laugh, and while everyone laughed and it made me feel good temporarily, I made someone feel insecure by poking fun at them and compromised my relationship with God. Plus I just plain looked foolish swearing to get a laugh. I coveted the applause of my peers more than the applause of my Creator.
I apologize. It was wrong. But isn't it awesome how God looks after us? I believe it was no coincidence that I happened upon that particular quote in that particular devotional book. It was a miracle and my God loves me enough to show me that the applause of millions will never add up to the applause of my One True God.
Daniel 6:10
When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.
I want a faith like that. Daniel was the kind of guy that resisted any worldly activities that would compromise his relationship with God. He only ate veggies for a while because the meat everyone else ate was "blessed by a pagan God". I could not believe it! Sadly, I care too much of what others would say about me if I ever pulled a stunt like that. I want a faith like Daniel.
One of my new favorite quotes that originated from my devotional book is "Whether we are stand-up Christians or stand-up comics depends upon whose applause we covet". I cried when I read this quote because earlier that day I had made a joke at the expense of another person, and cussed in front of my entire class in order to make them all laugh, and while everyone laughed and it made me feel good temporarily, I made someone feel insecure by poking fun at them and compromised my relationship with God. Plus I just plain looked foolish swearing to get a laugh. I coveted the applause of my peers more than the applause of my Creator.
I apologize. It was wrong. But isn't it awesome how God looks after us? I believe it was no coincidence that I happened upon that particular quote in that particular devotional book. It was a miracle and my God loves me enough to show me that the applause of millions will never add up to the applause of my One True God.
Daniel 6:10
When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.
Monday, January 9, 2012
This is my brain on ADHD
I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts. "Well how is that different from every other minute of every other day?" And my reply would be "It's not." I decide to type one thought, but delete it again. Over and over and over. My brain is overloaded with a thousand different thoughts, ideas, random memories, and random songs like Barbie Girl by Aqua and More Than A Feeling by Boston. Stabs of resentment and bitterness crop up into my noggin every once in awhile. I notice that my toe is tingling from being numb. I laugh at the time I got bit by a donkey. I wiggle my toe because it's still numb. I glance at the stack of job applications that spreads a sense of dread (that rhymed) throughout my thought-filled brain. Snapshots of last night's argument plague my brain and bring tears to my eyes. I worry about my family. I worry that I might have torn my parents apart. My head says "no" but my heart screams "yes". I wish I had more friends to confide in about my problems. Then I remember that I haven't prayed in a while. I should talk to God about this. I begin to worry about what you might be thinking about this blog post because it has no sense of direction or profound revelations. I list the chores I need to accomplish tonight. I worry about starting a 7 hour school day tomorrow. I laugh at the ridiculous cut-away jokes that make Family Guy so entertaining. I wonder whether you are still interested in reading this post. I'm sorry if this is so weird. This is my brain on a normal basis... That reminded me of the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial. "This is my brain with ADHD." I really need to take all these Christmas decorations down. I believe the standard amount of time to leave these decorations up is well past it's deadline. I'm all alone in the house right now. I wonder how loud I could play my music until someone called the cops on me? Someday, I want to sing in a band like Hillsong United. My dream is to lead worship for thousands of Christians in a huge stadium. I love singing on my church's worship team. I had the chance to lead worship last year, and after I shook off the initial nervousness, God blessed me with the words to say, and everything went smoothly. Another dream of mine is to host Saturday Night Live someday. I am amazed at how flexible my cat is. She sticks her leg straight up in the air and licks the the end of her paw! I wish I was flexible like that. Not so I could lick my leg, but just so I could be all graceful like a ballerina dancer. I have no need to lick my legs. I promise. Well if you haven't stopped reading by now, I'm pretty sure I've just creeped you out enough to make you stop now... sorry. I suppose I should thank you if you have stuck it out this far. Thank you. Really. This post is mostly just to clear my brain. It helps me focus if I write down all the things that are bugging me. It's kind of like downloading content from your computer to a hard drive. It declutters the computer and makes room for other documents and data. Well I suppose I should stop now. Thanks for sticking with me here and reading this odd post! I feel much better now! Though there is no real spiritual relevance to this post, so I will leave you with a verse that I must start applying to my life... especially right now.
Proverbs 17:28 (ESV)
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
Proverbs 17:28 (ESV)
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Pressing on
Wow. I've had a rough day. The message in church was about marriage. It took every fiber of my being not to cry throughout the whole service. I did not cry. (Praise God!) When I got home though, I completely broke down. It's getting harder to rely on God when these issues are clouding my view.
I have to constantly remind myself that I have more life ahead of me than in my past, that it will get better, and that God is working all this out for my good. I obsessively repeat it like a mantra. Like a marathon runner sweating and straining through the last mile. Like Steve Prefontaine running with a jacked up foot as blood is filling his shoe, he continues on, toward his goal.
My strength is gone, so much so that only God is my strength now. He is the reason I survive each day. Not only survive, but fulfill His will for my life. He gives me a reason to live and press on through all these trials and hardships.
As the ever wise, ever profound band Relient K always said "I'm pressing on. All my distress is going, going gone. And I won't sit back and take this anymore. Cuz I'm done with that. I've got one foot out the door. Going back to where I was would just be wrong. I'm pressing on."
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I have to constantly remind myself that I have more life ahead of me than in my past, that it will get better, and that God is working all this out for my good. I obsessively repeat it like a mantra. Like a marathon runner sweating and straining through the last mile. Like Steve Prefontaine running with a jacked up foot as blood is filling his shoe, he continues on, toward his goal.
My strength is gone, so much so that only God is my strength now. He is the reason I survive each day. Not only survive, but fulfill His will for my life. He gives me a reason to live and press on through all these trials and hardships.
As the ever wise, ever profound band Relient K always said "I'm pressing on. All my distress is going, going gone. And I won't sit back and take this anymore. Cuz I'm done with that. I've got one foot out the door. Going back to where I was would just be wrong. I'm pressing on."
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Who I've become
It's been two years since my first two surgeries. I've come so far physically, emotionally and spiritually since then. God has shaped me and grown me so much that I'm brought to tears by His precious love for me. Everything good in me that makes me who I am today, is because of God.
My God loves me enough to not only save me from death and hell, but also to continue to save me from myself and my sin every single day. I'm in awe of his grace and forgiveness for me. The moment I ask for forgiveness, He forgives and places my sins from Him as far as the east is from the west. I'm so in love with God. I don't understand Him fully but I think if I did, I would not be very impressed. People I easily understand are usually shallow, because there isn't much to them. People who are easy to understand are easily predictable, easily judged, easily looked down upon. That is why I'm completely okay with God being so confusing sometimes.
There is so much to God, that I can go every day praising Him for something new! I'm totally okay with that! Wow, this blog entry started about my victory over my first surgery, and turned into the unfathomable mystery of God... well that's ADHD for you!
Philippians 1:21-22
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!
My God loves me enough to not only save me from death and hell, but also to continue to save me from myself and my sin every single day. I'm in awe of his grace and forgiveness for me. The moment I ask for forgiveness, He forgives and places my sins from Him as far as the east is from the west. I'm so in love with God. I don't understand Him fully but I think if I did, I would not be very impressed. People I easily understand are usually shallow, because there isn't much to them. People who are easy to understand are easily predictable, easily judged, easily looked down upon. That is why I'm completely okay with God being so confusing sometimes.
There is so much to God, that I can go every day praising Him for something new! I'm totally okay with that! Wow, this blog entry started about my victory over my first surgery, and turned into the unfathomable mystery of God... well that's ADHD for you!
Philippians 1:21-22
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Failure and Faith
The days are dwindling down before I must thrust myself back into the routine of school. I have so much to do. Yet here I sit, watching The Big Bang Theory and creeping on facebook. The reality looming before me prevents me from preparing... in other words... "I don't wanna!"
I'm an excellent procrastinator. It's probably what I can do best. (Although, sarcasm is a close second.) I've had years and years of practice. Sometimes I wish I could just shake myself out of this complacent state and accomplish tasks weeks in advance instead of hours.
The truth of the matter is, I work well under pressure. Anything I do a day ahead of time is impeccably done. It's one obstacle I have not yet quite overcome. I have failed so much before that it's hard for me to see any chance of success now. I'm praying for self control. It seems like an uphill battle, but I know that God is on my side and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
I'm an excellent procrastinator. It's probably what I can do best. (Although, sarcasm is a close second.) I've had years and years of practice. Sometimes I wish I could just shake myself out of this complacent state and accomplish tasks weeks in advance instead of hours.
The truth of the matter is, I work well under pressure. Anything I do a day ahead of time is impeccably done. It's one obstacle I have not yet quite overcome. I have failed so much before that it's hard for me to see any chance of success now. I'm praying for self control. It seems like an uphill battle, but I know that God is on my side and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
The blessings of a brat
I'm exhausted. I had five hours of sleep last night. One would think I'd be passed out now, but I'm determined to blog every day. (Okay so technically I missed yesterday, but better late than never right?) It's been a great day, but I'm just in a bummed out mood. I'm looking for a new job, I have a headache, and I'm feeling some stabs of jealousy right now so I've decided to count my blessings so I'll stop being a brat. (I may as well be honest about my bad attitude.)
Okay, here we go...
-I am a child of an Awesome, Holy, Wise, Loving, Always Forgiving, Mighty, and Glorious God. He loves me and has taught me so much through my trials. He continues to grow me into a strong woman of faith, and He gives me a purpose. I'm truly happy following God's will for my life. He loves me at my worst moments, and forgives me any and every time I ask, without hesitation. His love for me is both awe-inspiring, and baffling at the same time. He is in control and He never fails me.
-I have two fully functional hips. (It's been almost two years since my first two major hip surgeries!)
-I am gaining a wonderful education and learning so much about something I am very passionate about... music!
-I have a hard working, compassionate mother working two jobs to help pay for my education. She is an amazing cook, and she is so witty and is so quick to make a joke. I definitely got most of my humor from her.
-I have a fun father who made me into the nerdy, UFC loving, softball playing, classic rock junkie/ Trekkie that I am today.
-I have a hilarious brother who constantly quotes movies with me, shares my passion for late night comedies and Family Guy, sings Green Day with me, and makes me laugh with his dry humor.
-I have an awesome boyfriend who loves everything about me, including my obnoxious burping, ADHD, and my random sometimes hyperactive personality. He shares my passion for music; he's extremely intelligent and outgoing. He listens to me when I'm depressed, and knows just what to say to lift me out of my funk. He is selfless and
..... I'm going to get my buns to bed now. I feel much better now. Good night world! I bid you farewell, feeling much less like a brat now and more blessed than ever.
"May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit YOU MAY ABOUND IN HOPE." - Romans 15:13
Okay, here we go...
-I am a child of an Awesome, Holy, Wise, Loving, Always Forgiving, Mighty, and Glorious God. He loves me and has taught me so much through my trials. He continues to grow me into a strong woman of faith, and He gives me a purpose. I'm truly happy following God's will for my life. He loves me at my worst moments, and forgives me any and every time I ask, without hesitation. His love for me is both awe-inspiring, and baffling at the same time. He is in control and He never fails me.
-I have two fully functional hips. (It's been almost two years since my first two major hip surgeries!)
-I am gaining a wonderful education and learning so much about something I am very passionate about... music!
-I have a hard working, compassionate mother working two jobs to help pay for my education. She is an amazing cook, and she is so witty and is so quick to make a joke. I definitely got most of my humor from her.
-I have a fun father who made me into the nerdy, UFC loving, softball playing, classic rock junkie/ Trekkie that I am today.
-I have a hilarious brother who constantly quotes movies with me, shares my passion for late night comedies and Family Guy, sings Green Day with me, and makes me laugh with his dry humor.
-I have an awesome boyfriend who loves everything about me, including my obnoxious burping, ADHD, and my random sometimes hyperactive personality. He shares my passion for music; he's extremely intelligent and outgoing. He listens to me when I'm depressed, and knows just what to say to lift me out of my funk. He is selfless and
..... I'm going to get my buns to bed now. I feel much better now. Good night world! I bid you farewell, feeling much less like a brat now and more blessed than ever.
"May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit YOU MAY ABOUND IN HOPE." - Romans 15:13
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
A new year! Oh dear! As I sit here fawning over the Gerard Butler singing in the Phantom of the Opera, I inhale the stale scent of chilli, ham, and various junk foods, dreading the massive atomic bomb I will have to set off to get this basement back to a semi-presentable state. I've been thinking of resolutions for the new year. The standard resolutions: "Read the bible in a year, eat healthier, exercise more, learn the guitar, glorify God in all I do, live my year with God's purpose for me in mind, and to love and respect myself more." on my list just stare at me taunting that I won't get them done...
It's part of my personality. I've failed so much before that it's hard for me to believe in myself to finish anything else now. God has been gracious to me though, reminding me of Moses's speech problem, Paul's "thorn in his side", Sarah's barren womb, David's small stature, Jonah's flat out refusal. God uses the seemingly useless to carry out His will. "His good, pleasing, and perfect will." This new year, I'm going to believe more in the perfect will of God more, than believe that my past failure will keep me from accomplishing all God has in store for me.
So as I sit in my new attitude, I can't help but grin at the taunting, ever so daunting list of resolutions and taunt back. I taunt back, with a new sense of duty "My God is greater than my inability to finish things!". Then I feel a bit silly for yelling at a piece of paper...
Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
It's part of my personality. I've failed so much before that it's hard for me to believe in myself to finish anything else now. God has been gracious to me though, reminding me of Moses's speech problem, Paul's "thorn in his side", Sarah's barren womb, David's small stature, Jonah's flat out refusal. God uses the seemingly useless to carry out His will. "His good, pleasing, and perfect will." This new year, I'm going to believe more in the perfect will of God more, than believe that my past failure will keep me from accomplishing all God has in store for me.
So as I sit in my new attitude, I can't help but grin at the taunting, ever so daunting list of resolutions and taunt back. I taunt back, with a new sense of duty "My God is greater than my inability to finish things!". Then I feel a bit silly for yelling at a piece of paper...
Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The bare facts about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
- I have adhd. It's a
learning disability. While sometimes I love myself the way I am,
(including my adhd and all the creativity and personality I have from
it) some people don't think it exists and sometimes it makes me feel
inferior and stupid. I'm just trying to get the info out, because it
sucks to be misunderstood. So here are some common facts about Attention
Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder...
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a real mental health problem. This has been confirmed by more than 40 years of scientific research. In fact, ADHD affects approximately 3% to 7% of school-aged children and approximately 4% of adults.
Symptoms
The symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:
Inattentive symptoms
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a real mental health problem. This has been confirmed by more than 40 years of scientific research. In fact, ADHD affects approximately 3% to 7% of school-aged children and approximately 4% of adults.
Symptoms
The symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:
- Lack of attention (inattentiveness)
- Hyperactivity
- Impulsive behavior (impulsivity)
Inattentive symptoms
- Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork
- Has difficulty keeping attention during tasks or play
- Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
- Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
- Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
- Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork)
- Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities
- Is easily distracted
- Is often forgetful in daily activities
- Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
- Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected
- Runs about or climbs in inappropriate situations
- Has difficulty playing quietly
- Is often "on the go," acts as if "driven by a motor," talks excessively
- Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
- Has difficulty awaiting turn
- Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations or games)
Baby steps
I can't believe I posted that yesterday. I'm not sure if my parents would appreciate the public post about their divorce, because I'm still not sure if they want it going public. No one reads my blog anyway, so it shouldn't be much of an issue. I'm okay with that though. It's so freeing to be real and public, but still somewhat anonymous to those who know me. The divide in this household continues to widen, as we no longer hang out as a family. If I hang out with one parent, I feel I am betraying the other parent. I feel guilty when I'm only with my mom or dad, because I know the other is alone. I've been praying for the split up to happen soon. I used to pray that they would get back together, but I've accepted what is happening now. It hurts worse to see them together and so indifferent toward each other. I can't stand to live in this hostile war zone much longer. I feel I am all alone. Every interaction with mom or dad seems to have some ulterior motive behind it. They are involving me in their war, and I am their ammunition. I'm trying to counsel them and support them but all the while I'm hurting and broken from the situation. God has given me a miraculous amount of strength to be able to survive this long. He has sustained and provided for me despite all the hurt. I'm still clinging to God and trusting that God will work this divorce out to help me, maybe it's to develop my character, my faith, grow me spiritually, or simply to remember that He is God. I am open to whatever God has to teach me from this situation. Even when I feel unloved by my parents and friends, I can hold tight to the promises that Jesus loves me, this I know. I will serve God in the meantime, and continue to read His word, and communicate with Him daily. I am taking baby steps like focusing on the blessings God has given me, and listing everything I'm thankful for. It helps distract me from the hurt, and gives me a positive perspective on all that God really has given me. I have a warm, safe house, a great, loving church family, wonderful friends, a creative mind, a fun sense of humor, a kitchen full of junk food, a great education, a beautiful singing voice, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a healthy body, healed hips, and a fun-loving brother. Even as I finish that list, I can't help but smile at God's goodness. Everything I have comes from Him. To God be the glory for it all.
Raw
So many things have happened since I last posted. My parents are getting divorced. Item number 1 on the list. I never thought in a million years that this would happen. I've known this for a few months, but I'm still shocked by some recent events that have presented themselves. My emotions have ranged from being angry, denial, shock, being more angry, depressed, being even more angry, guilt, betrayed, helpless, and gradual acceptance. I never knew how much I needed God until I dealt with my parents and
their issues with each other. My brother was away at college, leaving me
the only possible mediator between both parents. After listening to my
father bash and complain about my mother, and my mother bash and
complain about my father, I was left bitter toward both and feeling all
alone. Between counseling both parents, working in the church, working at McDonalds, taking 7 college courses, maintaining a scholarship, and maintaining my sanity through it all, I suffocated and crashed. This trial has ground me down to a raw, emotional mess. I'm finally at peace about all of this, though it took nothing short of God himself to get me to this point. He continues to show me that only when I am raw and real with myself, can I begin to change. Just like a blister forms from the friction of, say new shoes, so forms the desire to change and adapt against the friction of life. Although I don't enjoy any of this, God is working it all together to benefit me in the end. He is growing me, and loving me even in my moments of hatred and despite my horrible attitude. When I fix my eyes on the problems surrounding me, I lose sight of God's amazing grace, and the miracles He performs daily in my life. So, dear reader, as I fix my eyes on Jesus "The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross" through "throwing off my sin" or confession my sin, and turning from my selfish desires, constant prayer and reading of God's word, I pray that you would do the same in whatever trial you face. God has been the only source of joy in my life, and He has never let me down. I finally know true joy and true peace. Only God would grant me joy and peace in the midst of the hardest trial of my life (so far). He never changes. He was awesome before the world was made, and He is just as awesome now, as He weaves His good and perfect will into our lives. God is my life. God is my reason for living. I may fail Him every day, but God never fails me. So I bid you a fond farewell for the night. I will sleep with a thankful heart toward the goodness of God, a heart at peace about God's direction for my life, and a smile on my face, as I'm lulled to sleep to the sound of my cat snoring next to me.
~Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.~ Hebrews 12:1-2
~Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.~ Hebrews 12:1-2
Monday, August 22, 2011
I've almost conquered my first semester back at Sandburg! I'm majoring in vocal performance this year. Surprise surprise... so many years of wrestling God... now I know how in some small way Jacob felt. I love pursuing my passion, knowing it is God's gift for me and His will for my life. This new experience has brought a whole new set of problems. Okay, maybe not problems per se, but more like new... obstacles God has placed before me to teach me to rely on Him. I'm in a very dark place right now to be honest. The cool thing is is that God is with me in this dark place. Sometimes I look around at all of my demons and troubles surrounding me and panic. I frantically grope the floors and desperately grasp the thin air as I blindly search for a way out of the unending darkness, perhaps just a light at the end of this terrifying tunnel would give me hope. Then I turn to Jesus and set my focus on Him, who is the ultimate goal in my life. All of my problems are blocked from view when my sight is set on Jesus. My inner demons will always be bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than me, but my God will always be bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than all of my problems and inner demons. I praise God for the deliverance from my past, and praise God for my deliverance in the future.
-2 Corinthians 1:9 "Indeed in our hearts we felt the very sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
-Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
-2 Corinthians 1:9 "Indeed in our hearts we felt the very sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
-Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Ages have passed...
Oh how I've missed my sweet sweet blog! I have been so busy and stressed that I haven't had the energy to blog. I have so much to tell you avid readers! The summer has been packed with awesome God-filled experiences. First was Camp Mahnamahna: I was a counselor for 6th grade girls' cabin. The week was spiritually challenging and I loved it! The energy expelled from these jr. high girls could have powered the city of Chicago for a month... but God gave me endurance to outlast the constant bombardment of hyperactivity! Next was the Cornerstone christian music festival. It was a HUGE blessing to be included in our churches' high school trip! I had the pleasure of hanging with some very close friends, writing some ridiculous songs, and seeing the birth of an awesome band called Captain Chafe! I met some outstanding, strong Christians and grew closer to God every day I attended. Just a side note... I am amazed to see where God has led me in the past year!... Anyway I got to see plenty of awesome bands like Flatfoot 56, Gungor, Anberlin, Anchor and Braille, Luminate, and Seabird. I had the pleasure of meeting some amazing guys who led worship every morning during devotions. Throughout the week God opened my eyes to everything he has in store for my future. I feel God is leading me into some sort of music ministry. So yes. Cornerstone was amazing. And last is Junior High Summer Camp, or SuperCamp! Usually the week builds in intensity toward the Friday night chapel message, but every day God graciously filled the camp with His presence. I saw many young men step up and become young men of God. Many girls renewed their commitment to Christ. God never fails! I organized (yikes) and led worship with some students for the first three days of camp. God sustained me in my disorganized hot mess, and everything went well! One night I attempted singing and playing keyboard at the same time, and I failed epicly. But God once again blessed me that night! In my defeated attitude I sulked to the cabin thinking how terrible sounded. I was so mad at myself for "ruining the worship" and then one of my girls mentioned during a small group discussion how awesome worship was every night because she knew that God was there and could feel His presence. I then began to cry realizing how near-sighted I was toward the awesome power of the Holy Spirit when compared to my abilities. Oh me of little faith! I am so glad God cares enough to discipline me! Otherwise I would be so selfish and spoiled! Well, I've blogged enough for tonight!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
This is a song I wrote awhile ago, and just recently finished. It's untitled still...
Verse 1
The world is too fast paced to have real passion anymore
Its' bar's been raised much higher than my arms can ever reach.
Among the chaos of always upgrading, trends ever changing, no time remaining...
God, You are the constant in my life.
God, You are the constant in my life.
Instrumental?????
Verse 2
You were and are and always will love me despite my sin
My comfort comes from knowing You wont leave
Others may forsake me but
You promise to carry me.
God You are the constant in my life.
Chorus
God You are my Constant Peace
God You are the only constant I will never reach
Even when I see you in a whole new different light
God You never change You are the constant in my life
Verse 3
You always give me what I need, though it may hurt it's for my good.
From tragedy you show me victory
Your love is obvious in everything You've done for me.
God you are the constant in my life.
Chorus 2x,
God you are the constant in my life.
Everything good in me is You
Every part of me You have made new
And God you are the constant in my life.
Verse 1
The world is too fast paced to have real passion anymore
Its' bar's been raised much higher than my arms can ever reach.
Among the chaos of always upgrading, trends ever changing, no time remaining...
God, You are the constant in my life.
God, You are the constant in my life.
Instrumental?????
Verse 2
You were and are and always will love me despite my sin
My comfort comes from knowing You wont leave
Others may forsake me but
You promise to carry me.
God You are the constant in my life.
Chorus
God You are my Constant Peace
God You are the only constant I will never reach
Even when I see you in a whole new different light
God You never change You are the constant in my life
Verse 3
You always give me what I need, though it may hurt it's for my good.
From tragedy you show me victory
Your love is obvious in everything You've done for me.
God you are the constant in my life.
Chorus 2x,
God you are the constant in my life.
Everything good in me is You
Every part of me You have made new
And God you are the constant in my life.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
This object at rest won't stay at rest!
I had a strange urge to write something so here we go at 1:47am. I watched Easy A and I'm listening to rock me tonight by Billy squier. I'm getting ready for cornerstone festival and somewhat tweaking about the mucho denero I dropped on weird stuff like glow hair dye and a vintage hat from salvation army. I am mellow about it now. But at almost 2 am I better be stinking mellow! Someone could bulldoze through my ketchup packet sized basement window and I would care not. I really would enjoy the breeze right now because I am steaming! Watching Easy A inspired me to really let my creative "Emma Stone" brain juices flowing. My brain juices are kind of spewing out my nogin with little control sorry! I am a witty person and I love to make people laugh. More often I find myself struggling with the insecurity that most guys don't appreciate a chick with a strong personality such as mine. I mean I loooove classic rock, musicals, the theatre, snl, Jesus, bursting into song, and dressing up. (Plus any excuse for the former.) Only God could destine someone perfect for me and vice versa. God is in control and I'm humbled to say that I trust Him with my whole heart, soul, mind, strength, and my life more than I will ever trust myself. God never changes! It's astounding and comforting! Amidst the fast paced craziness of life and my attention span shorter than that of any line into a men's restroom, I have peace in simply knowing that my creator is just as awesome and perfect now as He was before there was time. His plan for my life doesn't change no matter how epicly I will fail! Okay so I'm starting to get drowsy finally! So I am retiring to my chambers. I bid you all a fond farewell as I close my blog entry with a full heart, peaceful mind, and bobbing my head to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Goodnight all. Or good morning? Whatever. Either way I need sleep!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
More about music...
Sigh... so I have the chance to lead a group of middle school students in a youth group worship band this summer. Amidst my apprehensive worries for organizing set lists, rodeo-ing junior high students, and insecurity of add, God has really sustained me. He is teaching me that no matter who I become, no matter how horribly I mess up, He is still in control. He makes everything work out so I will grow closer to Him, remember that He is my ultimate prize, and remember that I never need worry. No matter where I go, or don't go, God is using me for His glory. I will always achieve His will because even in my failure, God brings blessing, growth, and legacy for my future. I don't have to be the greatest, because God doesn't need the greatest. He just needs my faith, and He will help me move mountains. I know very little about the technical aspect of music. I took piano lessons for a few years up to 5th grade, which hardly qualifies me for any sort of leadership position in music groups. No playing of the 10 stringed lyre for me... but that's okay. God needs only my heart in worship, which requires no talent whatsoever... or strings.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Melodies in my head
A whirlwind of blessings and heartaches have blown me away since I last wrote. Amidst it all God has been soo loving and patient with me. I have been struggling with anxiety ever since I reacted to pain killers and hallucinated during my first hospital visit in January of last year. During that visit I hallucinated about terrorists in the hospital, one of my coworkers stalking me around the hospital and trying to kill me, I saw people staring at me in the reflection of my hospital room window, and countless other horrifying things that affected every rational part in me. I have never really recovered from that yet, even now I'm crying as I recall how terrified I was. I have noticed that I am somewhat paranoid (though by a much smaller degree). It's very difficult to be myself for fear of people I don't know watching me. I get very anxious when I go shopping, because I imagine people watching me to see if I steal. I love to sing but hate singing in the car because I don't want people driving by to see me singing. It is impossible to trust God and live in constant worry and anxiety. Much that I do is second guessed, and scrutinized, and compared so much that I feel like a shadow of who I really am. It is very hard to be honest about this, especially to God. I realized I cannot follow God if I am not honest with Him. He already knows me inside and out, but I didn't want to admit to God or myself that I was hurting inside, which tore me away from Him. I am giving God control of everything from now on, and He is healing my doubting heart. I draw strength from His promises, and confidence in that God created me the way I am for a purpose and He makes me beautiful. God's love is unavoidable! And... (BIG blessing alert)... I have half of my college tuition paid by a grant! In April I applied for a Music Talent Grant and was required to audition for the music director. I sang "What Do I Know Of Holy" by Addison Road. My doubting heart gave up hoping for the award after about 2 weeks of waiting impatiently. But I received a letter 2 days ago stating I was awarded a half tuition! God is so good! He is Jehovah-Jireh!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Guarding my heart
It's been awhile since my last entry... not much has happened these few weeks. I have been working at mcdonalds more, embarrassing myself and enthusiastically pouring my energy into jr. high youth group, and singing with the church band every other Sunday. Although it has been an amazing blessing bouncing off the walls with middle schoolers, using the gifts God gave me in singing, and working more to earn more moolah toward fall tuition; it has been exhausting. So on my first free Saturday night in eons, I was elated to be going out with friends. We decided on trekking to a new club specifically for young adults under 21, so no alcohol served whatsoever. An alcohol free night of girl time and laughing at my awkward attempts at dancing seemed too perfect! We arrived at 10:30 at a college campus and searched the for some friends that would walk us to the club. My stomach dropped when we found our male guides whom I never met, and they told us we were going to hang out somewhere close until it opened. My stomach continued to sink even further while we followed them and deflated when we entered a frat house. I started feverishly praying for guidance and safety and wisdom and the Peace of God. We walked into a room decorated with beer labels and college guys surrounding a pool table playing beer pong. I knew right away that my night was over. I had to go. I texted my dad to pick me up and prayed for strength to take a stand, and testify my relationship with God without shame. I turned to my group and told them that I couldn't stay. I studied their faces as I told them that this was against everything I stood for. That it was my personal decision to leave. I told them that drinking was not my thing. As I stumbled through the rest of my explanation, my friends looked disgusted. And for the first time in my life, I did not care what they thought or said about me. It was freeing. I truly knew and believed with all my heart and soul that God's approval was more important and way more fulfilling. I told them my dad was picking me up. They decided to stay but I assured one of my other friends who told me she was uncomfortable, that she could come with if she wanted. The hardest part of that situation was not deciding to leave, but how to leave. Explaining my reason for leaving was most difficult. I didn't want to ruin my testimony by acting arrogant, but I did not want to be ashamed. Even though we left soon after and even if the club turned out to be legit and legal, staying would have been compromising. The emotions raging through my heart were so conflicting. Though I was sure of my decision, I left with a heavy heart. There was no victory music playing in the background. Although I stepped out in faith, I didn't feel as though everything would be ok. I am still concerned about my friends, and their salvation. Through it all God has graciously carried me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. God is so mighty to save. He continues to deliver me and I am thankful for his unending patience and grace for me. I have prayed for God to remain my focus each day, and asking for less of me and more of Him. Please pray for me and my relationship with these friends as I continue to witness to them.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Music.
I love singing. Anywhere, anytime. I sing with our church's worship band every other Sunday. I sometimes burst into song mid sentence, regrettably, when I hear anything that resembles a song title, lyric, musician, or if a song is looping through my thoughts. I have unofficially diagnosed myself with musical turrets syndrome. Anyway, God has blessed me with a voice. And throughout this period in my life, of growing, maturing, learning from mistakes, and waiting I have been trying to plan my future. I have been wrestling with God, all the while asking Him to show me His will and His plan for my life. Does that make sense to you? Me neither. While I have been planning and unplanning and praying for God's will to be apparent to me, I have been ruling out any type of worhip/ music ministry. The reason being that I can get so distracted when I am on stage singing Sunday mornings. I am distracted pretty much 24/7 but the difference is that when I am onstage, I want to sing every single word of every song and mean it with all of my heart. I feel so fake when I am trying to praise God, but my mind is miles away thinking about stuff like- hitting the right notes, where is the glare on the wall coming from, did I leave my straightener on this morning, and I don't even realize it. Then I feel bad for not focusing on God, and then I wonder if anyone could tell I was distracted. My a.d.d. is such a hang up for me. I am so insecure of myself because of this. I pray that God's will be done, and all this time I have been automatically ruling out what may be His very will for me. Not only am I putting my wants before God's will, but I am making God so little, powerless in my mind. I am assuming that God is not powerful enough or smart enough to figure out a way around my a.d.d. or to use it for His glory. I strive so much for control. Control over my random outlandish attention span, control over my sometimes bombarding personality, control over conversations, and control over God. God is opening my eyes to His Awesomeness. He doesn't use me despite my shortcomings for His glory. God uses all of me, especially my shortcomings, for His glory. Please pray for me that my perspective is focused outward on God and others instead of myself.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
bleh
Sometimes my mind is racing. Speeding so fast I don't even notice until it crashes. My heart is weary from the rapid switch between emotions. If I am sad, it only last until I blink and notice something that floods my mind with new thoughts. I want to linger on what burdens me and scratch and claw to clutch the escaping mood, but it's gone. And then I burn with frustration because I don't understand why I can't just focus and hold my attention on one thing. It's so easy to forgive and forget because I forget more than my lungs take in oxygen. Yeah, ok so I lied a little when I said it's easy to forgive and forget. I have one issue when it comes to forgiveness. The only person I have trouble forgiving is myself. Help me Jesus. I am so broken. I am so frustrated at myself. I want to focus. I want to be able to sit still. I want to listen to others and not tune out without even realizing. What I want though, is not always what is best for me. What I need is to just be ok with who I am.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Random thought...
As a christian woman with attention deficit disorder, I need consistency in some aspect every day. I don't thrive on it I'll admit, but let's face it life is not about thriving on everything we want. Change is woven into my life because of my impulsive mind. It's very hard to resist an impulse because it is such a split second decision. For example I remember driving to a class at the community college freshman year, in the fall . I love nature, especially trees in autumn. I can't avoid driving past Lake Storey, and the infinite forest surrounding it. The thought popped into my that I should pull over to the gravel parking lot so I could look at the general splendor. So I did, and please know I am not proud of this. I walked from my car to a small weather warn dock that extended about ten feet past the shallow end of the lake and sat down in quiet wonder. I sat on the dock watching the trees, their beautiful reflection cast in the lake, and listened to the peaceful songs of passing birds. I completely missed my class. The occasional thought did pass my mind that I was missing class, but that's all it was, a passing thought. That was a huge moment of weakness in my life. I am still ashamed to even think about it. Anyway, I say that to emphasize my impulsive behavior and my need for consistency. During my time alone with God, I notice with increasing amazement that He never changes. God is the only one I can count on to stay the same. It is comforting to know God has always been and will always be amazing, patient, powerful, compassionate, holy, and just. In an ever changing world with fleeting desires, countless trends, and upgrading, God is constant.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Time alone with God
My mind started revolving around one common theme throughout the day: "Why am I stuck here?". Not only physically stuck living in this town in my parents house, but mentally stuck with selfish thoughts, worried thoughts, anxious thoughts, thoughts of what others think of me, and thoughts of comparison toward my peers in college and me. I decided to shower, and the nagging thoughts pursued me. I was comparing myself to some friends who had an evident passion and love for God. They were successful, attractive, talented, and gave God the glory for it. I worry so much about what others think of me, and waste so much energy trying to erase my undesirable traits. I want others to like me so much, and my successful friends don't have to try to make others like them for it to happen. God rose a red flag in my mind because I forgot that His relationship with me is the only one that matters. God nudged the idea that if I want to grow close to Him; then I need to listen to Him and follow Him and make an effort to know Him. My life was about pleasing others, and trying to be someone I'm not so others will praise me. So after the shower I grabbed my devotion book and my bible and I went upstairs. My quick prayer beforehand was "Open my heart to what you will teach me God". The passage for today was Revelation 1:12-16. My first thought was what am I going to learn from revelation about being selfless, and caring more about pleasing God than others? But I read on reminding myself that I was already acting like I knew what God was going to teach me. The passage was about John banished to the island Patmos. Yet he was praising God. He prayed not for an escape from the island, but he prayed for others. He worshiped God by reciting scripture instead of worrying about his predicament. (Foot in my mouth moment #1) Then God revealed heaven, and the events of the end times. But what the devo book narrowed in on was the image of Jesus described by John. The image of Jesus as the Reigning King, Holy, and the First and Last is how He looks now. The devo stated that "How you view Jesus profoundly influences how you follow Jesus. Your perception of Jesus correlates to your pursuit of Jesus.". So many times I hear the name Jesus and I picture him as beaten, broken, and dying on the cross. God showed me that the more important part of the death and resurrection of Jesus is the actual resurrection of Jesus. He is alive! Trying to worship God with the image of "beaten Jesus" in my head diminishes my view of God's power and His ultimate control as the Creator of the universe. Yes Jesus cares for us, and yes Jesus died for us and wants to have a relationship with us, but I realized how wrong I was that that was all I saw in Jesus. Jesus has control over everything, even death. When I envision Jesus as Glorious, Powerful, Holy, and Perfect God; I forget about the opinions of others. I not only know that pleasing God is more important than pleasing others, but I believe it with all my heart.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Hallelujah!
The final surgery of the year has been defeated. No words can ever express the feelings of happiness, brokenness, thankfulness, and relief. I feel so thankful God shaped me and matured me through this maddening year. I feel, almost... victorious? I think that most describes how I feel when glancing through the events of the year. It's over, and I can't help but bursting into tears as I type. I know that I will require surgery in 20 to 30 years, but that seems lifetimes away. God has been so good to me, so patient. I have been stubborn. No, not stubborn. I have been more complacent, than stubborn. I chose to ignore the wickedness in my heart. I have a real problem with patience. I hate waiting. I lose my patience with no reason. I can be very impatient with my parents. Usually it is when they are asking a bunch of questions that I think are stupid. I get annoyed very quickly. Sometimes I will stop myself and ask why I am so annoyed, and when I think about it I have no reason. Part of it is because of my add/adhd, but it's more because I chose not to see it. When I did see it, I dismissed it as "not a big deal". For awhile I thought it was just anger issues, but I know that I get annoyed more than angry because I feel like I don't have time to answer stupid questions. So that alone has been a huge struggle this year. I'm so glad God is gracious and forgiving. I can't imagine why or how God can be so patient and forgiving with us (humans). We are so wicked. I am thankful none the less. My favorite verse that sums up my years struggles and triumphs would be Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Confronting a.d.d. in all this... wow check out that bag blowing in the wind!
My mind is so full of thoughts twirling around like little girls with pretty streamers on a sunny day. I was reading a book about a.d.d. that talked about harnessing your add-ness to develop talents and solidify a career. It mentioned also the characteristic of impulsivity in adults with add. I sort of had an aha! moment when I thought about all the awkward moments I created and people I offended when I opened my mouth without thinking. (I probably sat there for 10 minutes reminiscing with a horrified look on my face.) Everything clicked, I mean I knew I had add, but I never realized all the junk that came with it. I always thought there was something seriously wrong with me when I said something before I filtered it through my brain, because after I said it I always realized how offensive the statement I spewed from my mouth really was. I thought maybe I just haven't matured yet, because usually you hear the things I say from toddlers. Even now though, I still make the occasional faux-pas. I was waiting all through jr. high and high school for that social moment of clarity that never came. Not only does my impulsivity affect my social life, but I am impulsive when it comes to cleaning, spending money, emotions, and (during school years) homework. I knew I could get good grades. I just never got my homework done, I never studied for tests, and I always got overwhelmed and distracted when I did try. I would get frustrated and give up. I felt so stupid, I am tearing up just typing this. I was labeled lazy and uncooperative. It's frustrating figuring all this out now. I am trusting God no matter what. I am thankful I have such a faithful, gracious God who never leaves me or forsakes me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Turning twenty in twenty ten...
The 2nd of October was my 20th birthday which calls for another entry. The first thing I did for my big 20 was watch, well really I fell asleep watching Beauty and the Beast at midnight. I was dreading this birthday, because both my brother and my dad would be at my brother's cross country meet in Peoria and mom was working both jobs that day. I knew I would be home alone all day. Not the best way to celebrate a birthday by any means. I woke up early, about 5am. My cat had been playing with a plastic bag in my room and woke me up in the process. I was definitely cranky about that. The first thought to plow through my drowsy brain was: This birthday is going to SUCK. In all actuality, it did look like a very grim day for me. God definitely grabbed me and shook me out of my selfishness with the next thought that popped into my brain ever so softly: It's only going to suck if you hold onto that thought all day. I realized at that moment in my head I was not throwing a birthday party but a pity party. I knew in my heart that I could make my day fun if I really wanted to even though I was limited to the house and only myself. So I went to a cross country meet of some great middle school girls that go to my church, and I did have loads of fun cheering for my lovely ladies and eating porkchop sandwiches and cookies. Arriving home, I plopped onto the recliner and cozied under a blanket. A friend texted me as I relaxed and wished me Happy Birthday and also invited to spend the day at scenic drive. (It's like a huge fall flea market, with yummy food and lots of fun. I had loads of fun. My birthday really was very happy. I have to go now, my dinner is waiting.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Its been a while...
I realize that I have not written in ages. I am still deciding if it is because I didn't want to, or I had nothing to write about. I am writing now because I want to, and I have loads to write about. I am currently recovering from my second hip surgery this year. God is really shaping me. He is so loving and patient and gracious, despite my stubbornness. I used to cut myself, and I would be lying if I said I never have the urge to now. But it is easier to live life with the peace of knowing God will always be with me. He will always fill the void that consumes me, and He will always love me more than I could ever feel loved. Without Christ I am nothing. And I never want anything apart from Christ. Thank you Jesus for giving me life, giving me a purpose, and saving me from my past.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Here we go again...
It's been awhile. I have missed venting my feelings and insights and funny happenings here. I feel that it is public, but not public enough where I feel I should hold some feeling back. I have been realizing throughout the day, for some odd reason, that I have an unquenchable feeling to prove myself. I think this has stemmed from the fact that growing up, I never had any dominant girl relationships. I had my brother, and my dad, and my mom and closest sister. But my aunt has four boys. My aunt is my mom's closest and only sister. Although she also lives the closest to us. Every thanksgiving was dominated by growing boys, and me. I always felt alone, and that I needed to prove that I was just as fun, even though I was a girl. My cousins and brother would get along fine, and I would either have to sit alone in my room, or play all of the games they played, only tougher and better. I have never really gotten rid of that feeling. I hate the fact that I feel I am always competing with everyone else. It is a habit carried on from my childhood. I don't like acting this way. I feel stupid, and I know it is not me. How do I get rid of this bad habit that is so ingrained in my personality, to the point where I do not feel I can survive a conversation without being the center? I want to function normally socially. I guess I should start by getting to bed at a decent time. I cannot find my medicine, and I have kind of just given up. I should probably start looking again, before I start doing stupid things due to late night, (or early morning?) boredom. SIGH.... what to do. I just realized that I need to get to why I started writing this entry. My next surgery has been scheduled. It is taking place on September 1st. I figured I would want the rest of the summer to be free. I don't know what I will be doing in my last months of freedom... but I guess the best things aren't always carefully planned ahead. We shall see what the rest of July and August have in store for me... because I have not a clue.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Camp 2010
This past week at camp has been a blessing undeserved. As a counselor, I had the opportunity to bond with jr. high girls. As the week went on, it always felt as though the advice and instruction given had fallen on deaf ears. I was discouraged and somewhat frustrated. The second to last night of camp, during cabin devotions, a girl asked the question "How do I believe?". It was that question that made my heart swell and skip a beat. So I started asking her, why she was a christian. She said because her parents and church taught her to. I began going through the gospel, and in the middle some of the other girls started to talk to her too. They took her in, and explained what christianity meant to them. I was listening to them with tears in my eyes because I finally knew that these girls had their own faith and cared for the one confused girl. We stayed up until after 11pm, passionately telling the importance of belief, and knowing for sure that we are christians. We ended up going to bed before everything was crystal clear to her, because we were all very tired. The prayer I prayed as I went to bed was that Jesus wouldn't come back until we sealed the deal with this amazing girl. The next day went on very quickly, and the girl came up to me toward the end and said she talked with some people who went to her church that were at camp. She said that they explained how her parents would die for her because they loved her and she was their child, and that Christ loved her and she was His child, so she had no reason to doubt that it was true. So I asked her, "So do you know for sure you are going to heaven?" she said that she knows and I hugged and told her I can't wait to see her in heaven! At the end of the day, when we had testimony time down at the pool, she went up and told everyone that she was a christian and explained how she knew. I cried while she was up there, because at a meeting with all the counselors and staff I asked them to pray for her because she told me she wasn't sure. So we all witnessed God's unfailing patience as she boldly testified her relationship with Christ. Thank you Lord! I am fired up now, God is bigger and stronger than any of our problems and I will never forget that!!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Today I choose to be thankful....
I am staring out a window blocked halfway by a bush outside, and between the spaces of the dirty blinds. I see grey, and overcast depressing clouds. I have decided that the grey overcast clouds are a blessing from God. This day is only as depressing as I choose to make it. It is only depressing if I choose to ignore the amazing creation God made for me. The science behind all of these awesome clouds, is mind boggling. God not only created clouds, but He created precipitation, and condensation. He created photosynthesis. Not only is God the Ultimate Artist, for creating sunsets, and the sun, and rain, and trees... He is the Ultimate Genius for creating gravity, physics. All of the stuff we try to understand in school science class, is the very stuff my God created! He created the circulatory system, He created oxygen to sustain our lungs, and to be carried by red blood cells throughout our bodies. I cannot put enough emphasis on the awesome when I say: My God is AWESOME!!!!!!! This day is the exact opposite of depressing.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I have not posted in ages. I have been totally immersed in busyness. I auditioned for the Sound of Music, and I got a role as a nun! I am ecstatic about my nunification! I am recovering from yet another surgery. I was very sick two weeks ago, and I went to the doctor and got some meds to calm my stomach. On Tuesday I felt sick again, and I started throwing up. It was early in the morning before I ate anything so I had nothing to vomit. I puked 5 or 6 times that day. I called for another appointment with my doc and I had some tests and an ultrasound... not for pregnancy, for my gallbladder. I actually ended up puking in the doctor's office. Anyway, I got the news that I had gallstones. So Wednesday night I had my gallbladder removed. The doc also found that I had a herniated bellybutton, so he fixed that as well. I am currently recovering from all that chaos. I am also typing on a spazzed out computer screen. It is busted. It looks like someone tried to clean it with a magnet. It's hard to see anything. But I am too desperate for computer socialising to care.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I apologize...
I am very sorry for my last post. A lot of pent up, raw emotion spilled into that. I know God has something amazing in store for me. I also know that I cannot see it right now, well I really do see it... by faith. God makes me capable. God makes me beautiful. God is so much bigger than I make Him out to be, and even more than I can even imagine. I think that I take pride in making myself unfixable, because that means that I have no reason to for God to fix me. I am so stupid. God is. God was, God will always be. There are many others in the Bible that had it worse, and God made them triumph. God uses the weak to do great things, because it is so much cooler to see the incapable do the unthinkable. I am sorry God, for portraying you as weak. In no way are you weak. You are Strength! You are Power! You are God! I praise You, Lord! Fill my life, Lord, make me strong, make me wise, make me into the beautiful daughter You know is in me. Here I am Lord, send me! Thank you Lord, for giving me the life I have. I know You have given me this for a reason, and I will never be ungrateful for this life again. Your way is the best way. Use me to change the world, Lord.
Desires of the heart...
Man, as I become more mobile, I become more restless to do different activities. I want to try out for a musical, its The Sound Of Music. I would love to be in a musical again. I don't know how much I could do in regards to dancing and things. It would be so fun to experience a great production like this. I don't think I am going to do it. I need to earn more money. My time for fun and doing things I'm passionate about is over. I need to grow up. I don't want to live here forever. I don't know what I am going to do. Today is mother's day. I got my mom a card, and my brother and I made a dumb movie for her. I am going to start cleaning the house when I get done with this. I am dying for a new life. It's worth dying for isn't it? I saw some photos of my friends from where I used to live and I have this deep longing to go see them. I miss them. They are visiting their homes for the summer before their next college semester. I am just loafing around wasting my life. I feel hopeless. I feel dead. I feel lifeless, weak, and done. Done with life. It's more like life is done with me. I want to go, I want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to thrive. I hate myself. I don't mean to insult God. Because I feel like, the way I am now was not the way He origonally made me. I screwed myself up. I failed. I am pathetic. I am useless. What is happening to me. I don't want to have another surgery. The first surgery was so terrifying and scarred me for life, more emotionally than physically. I don't want to go back. I want to move on. I am 19 years old for goodness sake. I need to be on my own. Living my own life. Please God why do I have to go through this? It is so hard. I am scared, and I am alone.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Hello Blog, I missed you...
It's been awhile. So much has happened. On the 17th of April I went to a Hillsong United concert in Hoffman Estates. The experience has changed me. I sat in a balcony and saw the whole arena. Everyone worshiping and praising God without holding back really brought tears to my eyes. Singing some of my favorite songs and reflecting on all that God has done for me. I never really thanked Him for my surgery. So I danced and cried and prayed to the Love of my life. I need no one else. I am glancing out the window as I type and the sky is brewing a storm. I am ready for the refreshing tears of the sky to renew the earth. God is a genius, understatement of the year, but we spend much money on school, on classes like biology to try to understand how all of God's creation works. Botany, geology, zoology, God created plants, and rocks and animals, and they are so complicated... to the point where some fail test trying to catch up.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Peace like a river...
I went to a doctor appointment on friday, April 2nd. As you know I loathe and fear going to the hospital for reasons irrational. But the doctor told me I am allowed to walk. I was so excited I wanted to cartwheel around the hallway. I am doing well now. I was out at a friends house playing a game called Just Dance on the Wii. I had loads of fun. I am starting to feel the freedom creep back into my life. The night air against my bare shoulders is invigorating. The scent of the night air is like a drug to me. Time is fleeting, but when faced with a crisis it does not seem that way. Everyone's lives race on while I am still relearning to walk. First it felt like I would never be able to walk, now it feels like I will never be able to walk without a limp. I am thankful though that I am walking at all. God is awesome. I did something called a cardboard testimony at my church on Easter Sunday. It's where a bunch of people get on a stage and they have a square of cardboard that says something about what you struggle with on the front and on the back it says something about what God has done for you or how He has changed you. My cardboard testimony says on the front: I battled depression alone... the back says: Jesus fights my battles for me. I was crying because I was able to walk across the stage without the support of my crutches. I felt like it was really a miracle. I am grateful, I am changed. God is great.
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