Random dancing! (Random blog title)

   Today was another day of somewhat normalcy. As I sit on the firm futon, drinking rich cappuccino and watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I wonder if this is the plateau of my healing process. Either way, God has been so good to me throughout this storm I'm weathering. I'm thankful for all of the trials and thankful for this peaceful day as well. What hasn't killed me, has made me stronger by God's power.
   I'm thankful for my hilarious friends. I have never laughed so hard around anyone else. I enjoy making people laugh, it's something I really appreciate myself for, but I dearly love to laugh as well. It keeps me from crying. (Fun fact: I actually cry whenever I laugh... tears stream down my face at even the slightest chuckle.)
   I mentioned earlier that I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just have to say, how I marvel at musicals. Whoever invented the musical is genius! Who wouldn't want to be able to burst into song and have everyone join in, knowing the melody, lyrics, and choreography without any previous practice?! I know I would love that to happen!
   That's why I love searching for flash mob videos online. I found one video of a man who organized a flash mob to propose to his girlfriend. Ah! My heart melted! I do hope I have a husband with a creative mind like that!
   It's so weird to be even thinking about my future husband. I'm 21. I'm an adult. In a few years, I could very well be married. I know nothing of God's will for my life, but I would be perfectly happy marrying in 5-10 years. Whatever God's will, is my will as well.
   I desire to transfer to Hillsong college in Australia more than anything. I want to study music, and perform. One day I hope to lead worship, or perform in a band like Hillsong United. I can't imagine "getting hitched" with a busy life like that. But my purpose remains in carrying out God's will.
   Or maybe I will end up in a movie/musical with Dick Van Dyke and a magical motor car....
 
(Oh hey, by the way... bursting into song occurred all the time in the bible...)

Luke 1:46-55

Mary's Song

46 And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."

Somewhat normal

    I had a heart to heart with my mother just now. I never knew how much I missed it until tonight. We chatted about my life. That was definitely a new experience. Not once did she bring up her problems with my dad, and for once it seemed like all was right in the world. Life seemed somewhat normal again. 
   I got to vent about all the drama in my life with her actually listening to me. She didn't judge me or tell me how it was my fault, she just listened. I haven't had that in a while from anyone. I just want to cry right now because it gives me so much hope that I am loved and cared for. 
   Some say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I just didn't know what's been missing in my life until God showed me. God blessed me with a great day today. Never mind that I have an infection and a fever. My heart is full, my God is good, and my hope is alive.
   
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

No matter what, I follow God.

    I'm all alone in a house with two parents who don't care what happens to the other or how I'm doing in my life. They talk to me about their problems, and they use me as a mediator between them. They want me to solve their problems and support them and I have no support to give plus more problems in my life that I'm trying to handle. I am playing the counselor between them right now and all I want is for them to leave me alone.
   They are using my affection for them to hurt each other. I am being dragged into this divorce war that I should really have no part of. My youth pastor is counseling me and we've decided the best thing I can do is avoid them, because when I listen to them rip apart the other parent, I am enabling them into thinking that it's okay. I don't even have the support of my parents, because they would rather air their dirty laundry to me.

   Anything I say, they twist and use as ammo against each other. My dad asked me if I heard any rumors about him cheating on my mom and I told him the truth. I told him that she had mentioned it to my brother and I. She was suspicious and she had some substantial evidence to back it up.  He became furious. He started yelling about how she is a gossip and a control freak and she is spreading rumors about him to ruin his reputation. At that moment I felt like I had single-handedly ruined my parents marriage for good. People are spreading rumors about my dad and his old job and his relationship with my mom, which really bugs me.
   For an hour I heard him ranting and he said there are things he could tell me about my mom that would shock me, but he won't because he wants me to love her. I'm just trying to survive in my own house right now. I count myself lucky if my parents don't talk to each other at all on any given day. Otherwise, I am the one who has to maintain peace between them.
   I'm a college student. I used to have my own life before my parents decided they were going to split up. I'm losing more and more of myself everyday that I remain in this house. Their problems have consumed my life. Some days I feel great, but today is not one of those days. I have homework to do, a youth band to lead, lines to memorize, a Sunday morning church service worship set list to organize, laundry, practice for voice lessons, practice piano, two books to read... and my own set of issues to deal with like my depression and ADHD. (I need to try ADHD medication while I'm thinking about it. I'm far from focused anymore.) I rarely have motivation to accomplish any of these tasks, especially now. Then the tasks build up, and I feel lazy and I feel bad about myself for not being able to handle it. It's a vicious cycle.
   I have a one friend who spends time with me but has problems of her own. I want to be there for her but I am spent. I want to tell her all of this, but I don't want to bring her down.
   I desperately want to move out and cut off my parents from my life for awhile. I have no money and no job otherwise I would have moved out awhile ago. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and spent. I'm trying to trust God and give my cares to Him. I really am. I was doing well and I was happy for awhile but right now I'm just discouraged.
   This is all coming from a place of hurt and desperation. I want so much to be able to move on, but I can't as long as I'm in this house. God is working this together for my good. All this pain will pay off one day, I believe that with all my heart. But it doesn't make the hurt go away. I have a close relationship with God because of all this, of which I'm extremely thankful.
   God is my lifeline right now. I need a network of Christian friends my age to support me. I may not have access to that right now, maybe God will provide me with some friends. Either way God is still in control and can give me everything I need, simply from His presence. Not my will, but God's be done. I will follow Him through all of this. No matter how difficult it may become, I will take it up and follow Jesus. No matter what happens, I have faith, I have hope, and most importantly I have God. He's all I need.

Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

SONS OF THUNDER!

   I should really go to bed. ("Should" being the operative word of course.) I'm watching an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer before I go to bed. I'm a sucker for anything by Joss Whedon! No school tomorrow, so I have some time to sleep in. I am determined to blog everyday. Okay, okay so I technically missed yesterday but I'll submit another entry tonight to make up for it!
    It is now day 5 in the 30 days to read the New Testament challenge. I have finished the book of Matthew and I'm in chapter 5 of Mark. Which has only been accomplished by the grace of God. I could never do anything this intense on my own. It's by his power I am even this far into the challenge! Reading all about Jesus and his life on earth really gets me excited. His life on earth is a great example as to how I am to live my life. I love reading the parables as well. It's Jesus way of simplifying his lessons for us so even inattentive goofballs such as myself may understand.
   Today, I really focused on faith. Jesus said that even a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I may not be able to see God, but I don't have to to know He's with me. I may not see where my life is headed, but I have faith that God will direct my life into something I am passionate about. I want to move mountains!
   I want a faith like Peter, who wasn't afraid to ask Jesus to walk on water. He may have gotten scared and started to sink after he walked a few steps from the boat, but no other disciple can say they trusted Jesus enough to even ask him to walk on water. I want a faith like Peter. I want to walk on water!
   I have decided on fasting from Facebook for awhile to work on the priorities in my life, and other various reasons all of which are fairly noble in cause and will spare me an extra few hours in my day I suppose. I spend so much time on distractions.
   One of my weaknesses is organization. Most everything I do is out of impulse. It's a part of having ADHD, but it's completely manageable. The hardest part is realizing when I'm being distracted, and giving into my impulses. Today's blog is brought to you by: Self Control! Yes, yes, I know that it is 1:33 a.m. and that just may be the antithesis of self control, but I'm determined to finish!

Mark 3:17
James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder.

(If I ever sing and play in my own band, I am totally naming it Sons of Thunder... pretty hardcore right?!)

Tale as old as time

   What is it about Beauty and the Beast that has me so euphoric?! Maybe it's the fact that I watched this movie about a billion times as a child, and a million times as an adult. Maybe it's because I was watching it with my best friend. Maybe it's the memories connected with it. OR maybe it's just a freakin awesome movie, and I love it!
   Confession time! Scooch on in... closer... closer... Okay here it goes... *exhale* I can quote the pretty much the whole movie. I know right? A chick who can barely hold her attention in a classroom can pay attention long enough to memorize an entire movie?! I'm thinking the same thing. Maybe if all of my textbooks were made into movie/musicals, I would be a straight A student! (Spielberg, if you are reading this, it's something to think about... Oh, and HI! I love your work!!!!!)
   I'm not sure what else to write about today. Oh, how about this? I've decided I'm going to read the New Testament in 30 days! I'm not one for being challenged, so I figured it's about time I start challenging myself. I have issues with motivation. Especially when I am depressed. Any little chore becomes a giant hurdle my mind simply cannot overcome. God's got my back though! He's gotten me this far through school. That is a miracle in and of itself. (With 5 A's and 2 B's no less!)
   God has been providing me with so much through this time of adversity! He has me stuck in this tension filled house for a reason and His will in my life will make me happy. God knows me better than I'll ever know myself so He has a specific plan picked out just for me that will be just awesome! So, Hillsong United, here I come!!! (Okay maybe that's just what I want, but you never know!)
  

Today's blog is brought to you by: cruel irony!

   Wow. What a day. As the snow accumulated throughout the day, as did my anticipation for a snow day. Guess what?! School was cancelled! After I had attended all but one class.... School was actually cancelled at 2:30, and all my classes except choir took place before then. Ah irony! I do enjoy a good bout of irony! (Even at my expense, I still appreciate it!)
   I'd like to say that things are better than ever. I'd like to say that everything is sunshine and marshmallows and rainbows... mmm... marshmallows. (Guess who's hungry?) I'd really like to say that even a couple things in my life were going well, but in all honesty my life has gotten worse. (Cue the sad theme music that plays during the end credits of the t.v. show "The Incredible Hulk".) Does it seem like I'm a little peppier? Oh I'm so glad you asked because... yeah I am. Guess what great epiphany I've had today?! I'm not strong enough, and I can't handle the obstacles in my life.
  Yeah, okay it's not really a "let's all go out and celebrate at Buffalo Wild Wings" type of epiphany, but I've had another epiphany. (This one is relevant, I promise! That first epiphany was just so I could draw you in so you'd be all like "Say what?! I need to read more to figure out what she means!" ...Did it work?) (I really think I may be abusing the right to use parenthesis.)
   My second epiphany is as follows: God is stronger than any problem I will ever face. He loves me and wants to use me for His glory, even in the midst of my struggles. My God is super cool like that. I've spent so much of my life trying to please others and win their approval. When God is the only one I really need to serve and seek approval. "Well done my good and faithful servant." is the applause I will strive for from now on, because my God will never fail, always love me, and provide for me. He is worth serving. I may not be able to brag about myself, but I will always brag about my God! I give God all the glory.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

War of my soul

I'm not sure what to talk about today. I've been feeling insecure about myself. Like I'm not enough. Amidst all the struggles with my parents, I've just been feeling ignored. The only time they really come to me is to talk about the other parent. I'm struggling with my purpose right now. I just feel worthless. I know it's a lie, but I don't believe it right now. I've been told by multiple people that the enemy wants me to feel alone, worthless, and unloved. The trouble is that I do. I'm believing the lies. Instead of the listening to the still small voice coming from the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
   I just feel like I'm complaining too much. The two people I talk to, my boyfriend and my best friend, have heard so much of it that I just feel like I'm bugging them. What better way to vent than semi-anonymously? I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for my parents. I'm praying for joy. I'm praying that you aren't too turned off by this post, whoever you are. I need to start fighting for my life.
    I've got to start speaking truths and God's promises to combat this depression. Okay, here it goes.... God is in control, so I'm going through this with a specific purpose in mind and it will work out to better me. I have God always with me, a youth pastor who has opened up his home to me and has been through what I'm going through, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to be happy, and a caring bestie who makes me laugh when I want to cry... so that means I am not alone. Jesus died for me, because He thinks I'm worth dying for and wants me to spend eternity with him... so that means I'm not worthless. He loves me even at my worst moments... so that means I'm loved more than I can ever imagine.
   I'm ready for bed now. I've got some homework to do and need some time alone with God. If you are out there, reading this right now... please pray for me. Is that weird to ask? If it is, well, I'm sorry I guess. I just need all the prayer I can get right now. I feel like satan is attacking me in every aspect of my life right now. I guess I should be encouraged by the fact that maybe he is going to all this trouble because God has something great planned for me to offer the world to further the His kingdom. Maybe I can do something awesome for God. "I have seen with my own eyes, your faithfulness oh God. So I refuse to believe the lies that war against my soul."

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Just a fool growing wise

  After my post yesterday, I decided I needed to spend some time with my creator. I read about Daniel and his integrity when he was faced with a law against, well God basically. Punishable by a gruesome death of being ripped apart by hungry lions. The moment Daniel found out about this law, he went home, to his room flung open the windows and prayed for all to see.
   I want a faith like that. Daniel was the kind of guy that resisted any worldly activities that would compromise his relationship with God. He only ate veggies for a while because the meat everyone else ate was "blessed by a pagan God". I could not believe it! Sadly, I care too much of what others would say about me if I ever pulled a stunt like that.  I want a faith like Daniel.
   One of my new favorite quotes that originated from my devotional book is "Whether we are stand-up Christians or stand-up comics depends upon whose applause we covet". I cried when I read this quote because earlier that day I had made a joke at the expense of another person, and cussed in front of my entire class in order to make them all laugh, and while everyone laughed and it made me feel good temporarily, I made someone feel insecure by poking fun at them and compromised my relationship with God. Plus I just plain looked foolish swearing to get a laugh. I coveted the applause of my peers more than the applause of my Creator.
   I apologize. It was wrong. But isn't it awesome how God looks after us? I believe it was no coincidence that I happened upon that particular quote in that particular devotional book. It was a miracle and my God loves me enough to show me that the applause of millions will never add up to the applause of my One True God.

Daniel 6:10
When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.

This is my brain on ADHD

I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts. "Well how is that different from every other minute of every other day?" And my reply would be "It's not." I decide to type one thought, but delete it again. Over and over and over. My brain is overloaded with a thousand different thoughts, ideas, random memories, and random songs like Barbie Girl by Aqua and More Than A Feeling by Boston. Stabs of resentment and bitterness crop up into my noggin every once in awhile. I notice that my toe is tingling from being numb. I laugh at the time I got bit by a donkey. I wiggle my toe because it's still numb. I glance at the stack of job applications that spreads a sense of dread (that rhymed) throughout my thought-filled brain. Snapshots of last night's argument plague my brain and bring tears to my eyes. I worry about my family. I worry that I might have torn my parents apart. My head says "no" but my heart screams "yes". I wish I had more friends to confide in about my problems. Then I remember that I haven't prayed in a while. I should talk to God about this. I begin to worry about what you might be thinking about this blog post because it has no sense of direction or profound revelations. I list the chores I need to accomplish tonight. I worry about starting a 7 hour school day tomorrow. I laugh at the ridiculous cut-away jokes that make Family Guy so entertaining. I wonder whether you are still interested in reading this post. I'm sorry if this is so weird. This is my brain on a normal basis... That reminded me of the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial. "This is my brain with ADHD." I really need to take all these Christmas decorations down. I believe the standard amount of time to leave these decorations up is well past it's deadline.  I'm all alone in the house right now. I wonder how loud I could play my music until someone called the cops on me? Someday, I want to sing in a band like Hillsong United. My dream is to lead worship for thousands of Christians in a huge stadium. I love singing on my church's worship team. I had the chance to lead worship last year, and after I shook off the initial nervousness, God blessed me with the words to say, and everything went smoothly. Another dream of mine is to host Saturday Night Live someday. I am amazed at how flexible my cat is. She sticks her leg straight up in the air and licks the the end of her paw! I wish I was flexible like that. Not so I could lick my leg, but just so I could be all graceful like a ballerina dancer. I have no need to lick my legs. I promise. Well if you haven't stopped reading by now, I'm pretty sure I've just creeped you out enough to make you stop now... sorry. I suppose I should thank you if you have stuck it out this far. Thank you. Really. This post is mostly just to clear my brain. It helps me focus if I write down all the things that are bugging me. It's kind of like downloading content from your computer to a hard drive. It declutters the computer and makes room for other documents and data. Well I suppose I should stop now. Thanks for sticking with me here and reading this odd post! I feel much better now! Though there is no real spiritual relevance to this post, so I will leave you with a verse that I must start applying to my life... especially right now.

Proverbs 17:28 (ESV)

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

Pressing on

   Wow. I've had a rough day. The message in church was about marriage. It took every fiber of my being not to cry throughout the whole service. I did not cry. (Praise God!) When I got home though, I completely broke down. It's getting harder to rely on God when these issues are clouding my view.
   I have to constantly remind myself that I have more life ahead of me than in my past, that it will get better, and that God is working all this out for my good. I obsessively repeat it like a mantra. Like a marathon runner sweating and straining through the last mile. Like Steve Prefontaine running with a jacked up foot as blood is filling his shoe, he continues on, toward his goal.
   My strength is gone, so much so that only God is my strength now. He is the reason I survive each day. Not only survive, but fulfill His will for my life. He gives me a reason to live and press on through all these trials and hardships.
   As the ever wise, ever profound band Relient K always said "I'm pressing on. All my distress is going, going gone. And I won't sit back and take this anymore. Cuz I'm done with that. I've got one foot out the door. Going back to where I was would just be wrong. I'm pressing on."

Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Who I've become

   It's been two years since my first two surgeries. I've come so far physically, emotionally and spiritually since then. God has shaped me and grown me so much that I'm brought to tears by His precious love for me. Everything good in me that makes me who I am today, is because of God.
   My God loves me enough to not only save me from death and hell, but also to continue to save me from myself and my sin every single day. I'm in awe of his grace and forgiveness for me. The moment I ask for forgiveness, He forgives and places my sins from Him as far as the east is from the west. I'm so in love with God. I don't understand Him fully but I think if I did, I would not be very impressed. People I easily understand are usually shallow, because there isn't much to them. People who are easy to understand are easily predictable, easily judged, easily looked down upon. That is why I'm completely okay with God being so confusing sometimes.
   There is so much to God, that I can go every day praising Him for something new! I'm totally okay with that! Wow, this blog entry started about my victory over my first surgery, and  turned into the unfathomable mystery of God... well that's ADHD for you!

 Philippians 1:21-22
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!

Failure and Faith

   The days are dwindling down before I must thrust myself back into the routine of school. I have so much to do. Yet here I sit, watching The Big Bang Theory and creeping on facebook. The reality looming before me prevents me from preparing... in other words... "I don't wanna!"
   I'm an excellent procrastinator. It's probably what I can do best.  (Although, sarcasm is a close second.) I've had years and years of practice. Sometimes I wish I could just shake myself out of this complacent state and accomplish tasks weeks in advance instead of hours.
   The truth of the matter is, I work well under pressure. Anything I do a day ahead of time is impeccably done. It's one obstacle I have not yet quite overcome. I have failed so much before that it's hard for me to see any chance of success now. I'm praying for self control. It seems like an uphill battle, but I know that God is on my side and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

The blessings of a brat

   I'm exhausted. I had five hours of sleep last night. One would think I'd be passed out now, but I'm determined to blog every day. (Okay so technically I missed yesterday, but better late than never right?) It's been a great day,  but I'm just in a bummed out mood. I'm looking for a new job, I have a headache, and I'm feeling some stabs of jealousy right now so I've decided to count my blessings so I'll stop being a brat. (I may as well be honest about my bad attitude.)
   Okay, here we go...
-I am a child of an Awesome, Holy, Wise, Loving, Always Forgiving, Mighty, and Glorious God. He loves me and has taught me so much through my trials. He continues to grow me into a strong woman of faith, and He gives me a purpose. I'm truly happy following God's will for my life. He loves me at my worst moments, and forgives me any and every time I ask, without hesitation. His love for me is both awe-inspiring, and baffling at the same time. He is in control and He never fails me.
-I have two fully functional hips. (It's been almost two years since my first two major hip surgeries!)
-I am gaining a wonderful education and learning so much about something I am very passionate about... music!
-I have a hard working, compassionate mother working two jobs to help pay for my education. She is an amazing cook, and she is so witty and is so quick to make a joke. I definitely got most of my humor from her.
-I have a fun father who made me into the nerdy, UFC loving, softball playing, classic rock junkie/ Trekkie that I am today.
-I have a hilarious brother who constantly quotes movies with me, shares my passion for late night comedies and Family Guy, sings Green Day with me, and makes me laugh with his dry humor.
-I have an awesome boyfriend who loves everything about me, including my obnoxious burping, ADHD, and my random sometimes hyperactive personality. He shares my passion for music; he's extremely intelligent and outgoing. He listens to me when I'm depressed, and knows just what to say to lift me out of my funk. He is selfless and

..... I'm going to get my buns to bed now. I feel much better now. Good night world! I bid you farewell, feeling much less like a brat now and more blessed than ever.

"May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit YOU MAY ABOUND IN HOPE." - Romans 15:13

New Year

   A new year! Oh dear! As I sit here fawning over the Gerard Butler singing in the Phantom of the Opera, I inhale the stale scent of chilli, ham, and various junk foods, dreading the massive atomic bomb I will have to set off to get this basement back to a semi-presentable state. I've been thinking of resolutions for the new year. The standard resolutions: "Read the bible in a year, eat healthier, exercise more, learn the guitar, glorify God in all I do, live my year with God's purpose for me in mind, and to love and respect myself more."  on my list just stare at me taunting that I won't get them done...

   It's part of my personality. I've failed so much before that it's hard for me to believe in myself to finish anything else now. God has been gracious to me though, reminding me of Moses's speech problem, Paul's "thorn in his side", Sarah's barren womb, David's small stature, Jonah's flat out refusal. God uses the seemingly useless to carry out His will. "His good, pleasing, and perfect will." This new year, I'm going to believe more in the perfect will of God more, than believe that my past failure will keep me from accomplishing all God has in store for me.

   So as I sit in my new attitude, I can't help but grin at the taunting, ever so daunting list of resolutions and taunt back. I taunt back, with a new sense of duty "My God is greater than my inability to finish things!". Then I feel a bit silly for yelling at a piece of paper...

   Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The bare facts about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

- I have adhd. It's a learning disability. While sometimes I love myself the way I am, (including my adhd and all the creativity and personality I have from it) some people don't think it exists and sometimes it makes me feel inferior and stupid. I'm just trying to get the info out, because it sucks to be misunderstood. So here are some common facts about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder...


Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a real mental health problem. This has been confirmed by more than 40 years of scientific research. In fact, ADHD affects approximately 3% to 7% of school-aged children and approximately 4% of adults.

Symptoms
The symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:

• Lack of attention (inattentiveness)
• Hyperactivity
• Impulsive behavior (impulsivity)

Some children with ADHD primarily have the inattentive type. Others may have a combination of types. Those with the inattentive type are less disruptive and are more likely to not be diagnosed with ADHD.
Inattentive symptoms

1. Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork
2. Has difficulty keeping attention during tasks or play
3. Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
5. Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
6. Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork)
7. Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities
8. Is easily distracted
9. Is often forgetful in daily activities

Hyperactivity symptoms:

1. Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
2. Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected
3. Runs about or climbs in inappropriate situations
4. Has difficulty playing quietly
5. Is often "on the go," acts as if "driven by a motor," talks excessively

Impulsivity symptoms:

1. Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
2. Has difficulty awaiting turn
3. Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations or games)

....So now you know a bit of what my life is like. (And anyone who has ADHD)

Baby steps

I can't believe I posted that yesterday. I'm not sure if my parents would appreciate the public post about their divorce, because I'm still not sure if they want it going public. No one reads my blog anyway, so it shouldn't be much of an issue. I'm okay with that though. It's so freeing to be real and public, but still somewhat anonymous to those who know me. The divide in this household continues to widen, as we no longer hang out as a family. If I hang out with one parent, I feel I am betraying the other parent. I feel guilty when I'm only with my mom or dad, because I know the other is alone. I've been praying for the split up to happen soon. I used to pray that they would get back together, but I've accepted what is happening now. It hurts worse to see them together and so indifferent toward each other. I can't stand to live in this hostile war zone much longer. I feel I am all alone. Every interaction with mom or dad seems to have some ulterior motive behind it. They are involving me in their war, and I am their ammunition. I'm trying to counsel them and support them but all the while I'm hurting and broken from the situation. God has given me a miraculous amount of strength to be able to survive this long. He has sustained and provided for me despite all the hurt. I'm still clinging to God and trusting that God will work this divorce out to help me, maybe it's to develop my character, my faith, grow me spiritually, or simply to remember that He is God. I am open to whatever God has to teach me from this situation. Even when I feel unloved by my parents and friends, I can hold tight to the promises that Jesus loves me, this I know. I will serve God in the meantime, and continue to read His word, and communicate with Him daily. I am taking baby steps like focusing on the blessings God has given me, and listing everything I'm thankful for. It helps distract me from the hurt, and gives me a positive perspective on all that God really has given me. I have a warm, safe house, a great, loving church family, wonderful friends, a creative mind, a fun sense of humor, a kitchen full of junk food, a great education, a beautiful singing voice, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a healthy body, healed hips, and a fun-loving brother. Even as I finish that list, I can't help but smile at God's goodness. Everything I have comes from Him. To God be the glory for it all.

Raw

So many things have happened since I last posted. My parents are getting divorced. Item number 1 on the list. I never thought in a million years that this would happen. I've known this for a few months, but I'm still shocked by some recent events that have presented themselves. My emotions have ranged from being angry, denial, shock, being more angry, depressed, being even more angry, guilt, betrayed, helpless, and gradual acceptance. I never knew how much I needed God until I dealt with my parents and their issues with each other. My brother was away at college, leaving me the only possible mediator between both parents. After listening to my father bash and complain about my mother, and my mother bash and complain about my father, I was left bitter toward both and feeling all alone. Between counseling both parents, working in the church, working at McDonalds, taking 7 college courses, maintaining a scholarship, and maintaining my sanity through it all, I suffocated and crashed. This trial has ground me down to a raw, emotional mess. I'm finally at peace about all of this, though it took nothing short of God himself to get me to this point. He continues to show me that only when I am raw and real with myself, can I begin to change. Just like a blister forms from the friction of, say new shoes, so forms the desire to change and adapt against the friction of life. Although I don't enjoy any of this, God is working it all together to benefit me in the end. He is growing me, and loving me even in my moments of hatred and despite my horrible attitude. When I fix my eyes on the problems surrounding me, I lose sight of God's amazing grace, and the miracles He performs daily in my life. So, dear reader, as I fix my eyes on Jesus "The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross" through "throwing off my sin" or confession my sin, and turning from my selfish desires, constant prayer and reading of God's word, I pray that you would do the same in whatever trial you face. God has been the only source of joy in my life, and He has never let me down. I finally know true joy and true peace. Only God would grant me joy and peace in the midst of the hardest trial of my life (so far).  He never changes. He was awesome before the world was made, and He is just as awesome now, as He weaves His good and perfect will into our lives. God is my life. God is my reason for living. I may fail Him every day, but God never fails me. So I bid you a fond farewell for the night. I will sleep with a thankful heart toward the goodness of God, a heart at peace about God's direction for my life, and a smile on my face, as I'm lulled to sleep to the sound of my cat snoring next to me.

~Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.~    Hebrews 12:1-2

I've almost conquered my first semester back at Sandburg! I'm majoring in vocal performance this year. Surprise surprise... so many years of wrestling God... now I know how in some small way Jacob felt. I love pursuing my passion, knowing it is God's gift for me and His will for my life. This new experience has brought a whole new set of problems. Okay, maybe not problems per se, but more like new... obstacles God has placed before me to teach me to rely on Him. I'm in a very dark place right now to be honest. The cool thing is is that God is with me in this dark place. Sometimes I look around at all of my demons and troubles surrounding me and panic. I frantically grope the floors and desperately grasp the thin air as I blindly search for a way out of the unending darkness, perhaps just a light at the end of this terrifying tunnel would give me hope. Then I turn to Jesus and set my focus on Him, who is the ultimate goal in my life. All of my problems are blocked from view when my sight is set on Jesus. My inner demons will always be bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than me, but my God will always be bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than all of my problems and inner demons. I praise God for the deliverance from my past, and praise God for my deliverance in the future.

-2 Corinthians 1:9 "Indeed in our hearts we felt the very sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
-Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

Ages have passed...

Oh how I've missed my sweet sweet blog! I have been so busy and stressed that I haven't had the energy to blog. I have so much to tell you avid readers! The summer has been packed with awesome God-filled experiences. First was Camp Mahnamahna: I was a counselor for 6th grade girls' cabin. The week was spiritually challenging and I loved it! The energy expelled from these jr. high girls could have powered the city of Chicago for a month... but God gave me endurance to outlast the constant bombardment of hyperactivity! Next was the Cornerstone christian music festival. It was a HUGE blessing to be included in our churches' high school trip! I had the pleasure of hanging with some very close friends, writing some ridiculous songs, and seeing the birth of an awesome band called Captain Chafe! I met some outstanding, strong Christians and grew closer to God every day I attended. Just a side note... I am amazed to see where God has led me in the past year!... Anyway I got to see plenty of awesome bands like Flatfoot 56, Gungor, Anberlin, Anchor and Braille, Luminate, and Seabird. I had the pleasure of meeting some amazing guys who led worship every morning during devotions. Throughout the week God opened my eyes to everything he has in store for my future. I feel God is leading me into some sort of music ministry. So yes. Cornerstone was amazing. And last is Junior High Summer Camp, or SuperCamp! Usually the week builds in intensity toward the Friday night chapel message, but every day God graciously filled the camp with His presence. I saw many young men step up and become young men of God. Many girls renewed their commitment to Christ. God never fails! I organized (yikes) and led worship with some students for the first three days of camp. God sustained me in my disorganized hot mess, and everything went well! One night I attempted singing and playing keyboard at the same time, and I failed epicly. But God once again blessed me that night! In my defeated attitude I sulked to the cabin thinking how terrible sounded. I was so mad at myself for "ruining the worship" and then one of my girls mentioned during a small group discussion how awesome worship was every night because she knew that God was there and could feel His presence. I then began to cry realizing how near-sighted I was toward the awesome power of the Holy Spirit when compared to my abilities. Oh me of little faith! I am so glad God cares enough to discipline me! Otherwise I would be so selfish and spoiled! Well, I've blogged enough for tonight!

This is a song I wrote awhile ago, and just recently finished. It's untitled still...


Verse 1
The world is too fast paced to have real passion anymore
Its' bar's been raised much higher than my arms can ever reach.
Among the chaos of always upgrading, trends ever changing, no time remaining...
God, You are the constant in my life.
God, You are the constant in my life.

Instrumental?????

Verse 2
You were and are and always will love me despite my sin
My comfort comes from knowing You wont leave
Others may forsake me but
You promise to carry me.
God You are the constant in my life.

Chorus
God You are my Constant Peace
God You are the only constant I will never reach
Even when I see you in a whole new different light
God You never change You are the constant in my life

Verse 3
You always give me what I need, though it may hurt it's for my good.
From tragedy you show me victory
Your love is obvious in everything You've done for me.
God you are the constant in my life.

Chorus 2x,
God you are the constant in my life.

Everything good in me is You
Every part of me You have made new
And God you are the constant in my life.