Isaiah 42:25
So he poured out on them his burning anger,
the violence of war.
It enveloped them in flames, yet they did not understand;
it consumed them, but they did not take it to heart.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Movement
Isaiah 42:25
So he poured out on them his burning anger,
the violence of war.
It enveloped them in flames, yet they did not understand;
it consumed them, but they did not take it to heart.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sleepy time!
Psalm 25:20=21
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Cornerstone 2012
I'm bummin it today, no makeup and unkempt hair, but it's okay because God totally loves me anyway. Okay so from now on, I should be posting a video everyday. If not, then I am a huge weenie and deserve a good kick in the throat for breaking my promise. Here's a verse God has laid on my heart the past week:
Proverbs 25:15
Through patience a ruler can be persuaded,
and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Confession time
Isaiah 1:18
“Come now, let us reason together,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
Galatians 6:17
From now on, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.
Psalm 62:1-2
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
ADHD at its' finest
Matthew 6:1
“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
Matthew 6:19-34
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wellspring of life has run dry...
Friday, June 29, 2012
To God be the glory
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
Psalm 143:8-10
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I'm a funsucker
Last night after my blog post, I had a weird, kind of "crazy, random happenstance." I was texting a friend and the topic of religion came up. He mentioned he was searching for some faith... and my heart about stopped. What's this? Another opportunity to share my faith? Well praise God! I said a quick prayer for some peace and the right words to say. I prayed for God to open his heart to Him.
So, filled with so much excitement that I almost peed, I texted him back, "It's rough these days, but what helped me was getting to know who God is by reading the bible. It's such a sunday school answer, I know, but books like Galations and John helpled me see how awesome God is. The bible is written by forty different authors over a span of 2000 year and they all write about God; they are all consistent with each other. I knew there had to be more to life than living for myself so I gave my life to God and now I live for a purpose greater than my own and it's brought me joy that I could never get by living for myself. You should come to my church with me on Sunday and check it out! If you are really searching for some faith, check out the book of John and ask God to speak to your heart and help you find some answers. You don't have to got to a church to meet with God:)" Then I texted my youth pastor to make sure I didn't leave anything out in my ridiculous excitement to evangelize!
God is so good. Even through my over-excited bumbling mess of a text, God gave me peace and wisdom to witness His love to a friend over a text message. I will continue to pray for this gentleman every day in the hopes that he finds what he is looking for but most of all, finds fulfillment in a relationship with Christ.
So last night was a definite blessing for me to know that I'm not a complete doofus and maybe I don't screw everything up. Today though... oh man. It's like I hit a brick wall today. Today is my day off but holy moses it was so busy. I got up at 7:30 after a horrible night's sleep. I woke up so many times.
Anyway, I got up early and went to walmart to pick up cupcake mix and baking supplies. Then I realized I forgot something so I had to drive to dollar general who didn't have what I needed, so I begrudgingly drove to walgreens who had what I needed but at a ridiculous price.
Then I got to baking. I baked chocolate cupcakes and made my own whipped nutella icing for them. A labor of love. I hate cooking by the way. I just suck at cooking. Actually the cupcakes turned out fine and the icing was delish. I baked them for my youth band today for staying on task last week and also because it was someone's birthday. After I baked and iced the cupcakes, I went to church to practice piano. I played until my friend showed up and I coached him on how to play Manifesto. Then at 1, youth band practice started. Someone forgot their music, which was frustrating. We actually got every song done with a half hour to spare, but the students were pretty unfocused today.
It's so hard to start being an adult when everyone knows me as the immature ridiculous funny girl. Once you make a name for yourself, it's hard to change it. So now that I'm finally trying to be serious about worship, no one gets it. Everyone still treats me like the jester. I feel like a huge jerk for finally becoming an authority figure, but I also feel so disrespected. I don't think they take me seriously. I don't know if anyone really does but that's a completely different story. I lose my voice every Thursday from just trying to talk over the three or four people who interrupt me during practice. The time I finally want to act like an adult and start to act mature, is when I get shot down.
They don't listen and it definitely feels like I'm doing all of this in vain. I tried to organize a small discussion about our purpose as worship leaders and... I don't really know if anyone even heard what I was saying. I put so much effort into it but it felt like a giant waste of time which killed me. I'm kind of at my wit's end about this. Maybe I'm just tired.
Then I went to an hour and 20 minute voice lesson. It went well, but my instructor worked me hard. I then went back to church to work on a playlist for my youth pastor. I was supposed to go to a listening session tonight, but I'm just exhausted and my mood is atrocious. I got in an argument with my mom and that about iced the cake for me today. I'm now holed up in my room venting to cyberspace.
All the voices in my head are telling me that I'm never going to grow up and that the past month's growth isn't real and it isn't going to last. I'm never going to measure up to other adults my age because I'm an immature, naive, stupid little girl. There are some serious attacks against my heart right now and it's very overwhelming. I'm not sure why today I feel so horrible. I can only pray for peace and dig into the word for God to speak to me. I trust that God has a plan for this pain right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
I'm placing my identity in Christ now which is a very uncomfortable process. I am not relying on my humor anymore to make me feel like I belong, so sometimes I just feel worthless. Then add being shot down for trying to grow up and now I just feel stupid. I know that Christ gives me worth, but knowing and feeling are two opposing forces. Okay enough blogging for today. I just want someone to love on me right now and tell me something corny and cliche to get me through this, but Christ loves me even though I don't feel it right now so I will just trust Him and find peace in that.
Isaiah 33:2
O Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.
2 Cor 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
So, filled with so much excitement that I almost peed, I texted him back, "It's rough these days, but what helped me was getting to know who God is by reading the bible. It's such a sunday school answer, I know, but books like Galations and John helpled me see how awesome God is. The bible is written by forty different authors over a span of 2000 year and they all write about God; they are all consistent with each other. I knew there had to be more to life than living for myself so I gave my life to God and now I live for a purpose greater than my own and it's brought me joy that I could never get by living for myself. You should come to my church with me on Sunday and check it out! If you are really searching for some faith, check out the book of John and ask God to speak to your heart and help you find some answers. You don't have to got to a church to meet with God:)" Then I texted my youth pastor to make sure I didn't leave anything out in my ridiculous excitement to evangelize!
God is so good. Even through my over-excited bumbling mess of a text, God gave me peace and wisdom to witness His love to a friend over a text message. I will continue to pray for this gentleman every day in the hopes that he finds what he is looking for but most of all, finds fulfillment in a relationship with Christ.
So last night was a definite blessing for me to know that I'm not a complete doofus and maybe I don't screw everything up. Today though... oh man. It's like I hit a brick wall today. Today is my day off but holy moses it was so busy. I got up at 7:30 after a horrible night's sleep. I woke up so many times.
Anyway, I got up early and went to walmart to pick up cupcake mix and baking supplies. Then I realized I forgot something so I had to drive to dollar general who didn't have what I needed, so I begrudgingly drove to walgreens who had what I needed but at a ridiculous price.
Then I got to baking. I baked chocolate cupcakes and made my own whipped nutella icing for them. A labor of love. I hate cooking by the way. I just suck at cooking. Actually the cupcakes turned out fine and the icing was delish. I baked them for my youth band today for staying on task last week and also because it was someone's birthday. After I baked and iced the cupcakes, I went to church to practice piano. I played until my friend showed up and I coached him on how to play Manifesto. Then at 1, youth band practice started. Someone forgot their music, which was frustrating. We actually got every song done with a half hour to spare, but the students were pretty unfocused today.
It's so hard to start being an adult when everyone knows me as the immature ridiculous funny girl. Once you make a name for yourself, it's hard to change it. So now that I'm finally trying to be serious about worship, no one gets it. Everyone still treats me like the jester. I feel like a huge jerk for finally becoming an authority figure, but I also feel so disrespected. I don't think they take me seriously. I don't know if anyone really does but that's a completely different story. I lose my voice every Thursday from just trying to talk over the three or four people who interrupt me during practice. The time I finally want to act like an adult and start to act mature, is when I get shot down.
They don't listen and it definitely feels like I'm doing all of this in vain. I tried to organize a small discussion about our purpose as worship leaders and... I don't really know if anyone even heard what I was saying. I put so much effort into it but it felt like a giant waste of time which killed me. I'm kind of at my wit's end about this. Maybe I'm just tired.
Then I went to an hour and 20 minute voice lesson. It went well, but my instructor worked me hard. I then went back to church to work on a playlist for my youth pastor. I was supposed to go to a listening session tonight, but I'm just exhausted and my mood is atrocious. I got in an argument with my mom and that about iced the cake for me today. I'm now holed up in my room venting to cyberspace.
All the voices in my head are telling me that I'm never going to grow up and that the past month's growth isn't real and it isn't going to last. I'm never going to measure up to other adults my age because I'm an immature, naive, stupid little girl. There are some serious attacks against my heart right now and it's very overwhelming. I'm not sure why today I feel so horrible. I can only pray for peace and dig into the word for God to speak to me. I trust that God has a plan for this pain right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
I'm placing my identity in Christ now which is a very uncomfortable process. I am not relying on my humor anymore to make me feel like I belong, so sometimes I just feel worthless. Then add being shot down for trying to grow up and now I just feel stupid. I know that Christ gives me worth, but knowing and feeling are two opposing forces. Okay enough blogging for today. I just want someone to love on me right now and tell me something corny and cliche to get me through this, but Christ loves me even though I don't feel it right now so I will just trust Him and find peace in that.
Isaiah 33:2
O Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.
2 Cor 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Hot mess 100!
This is a very special post! Do you know why? Today is my 100th post! *Confetti bursts and streamers fly* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daaa-daaa! (That was Hail to the Chief... just use your imagination.) My first post was way back when I had just had my hip surgery. I noticed how dark of a place I was in back then. God has delivered me from so much, and I am forever grateful.
My day started out pretty awesome. I had a great time alone with God. Reading some more in Psalm, Proverbs, James, and Isaiah. Then some prayer on the floor. There is something about intentionally getting down on my knees to pray that makes my time with God so much more intense.
I guess it's not the act itself of kneeling to pray, but the fact that when I kneel, I remember that I am kneeling before my King, my Creator, my Savior, my God. It humbles me. I used to start out every prayer asking God for help or praying for others, but since I've been kneeling, I've started my prayers praising God for His divinity and AWESOME power. Kneeling is a physical reminder of the contrast between me and God. I'm the servant, He is the master.
Okay so after that came work from 12-6. Work was kind of frustrating. I was on register and boy did some interesting characters come out of the woodwork today! Some creeper had the nerve to stare at my chest and at me while I bagged his purchases, then a German lady paid for her order all in change, and the only thing I could do was remind myself "Jesus died for these people too, Erin." So even though I got flustered, I kept my cool and thanked God I didn't have to work 8 hours today.
Then I helped with a junior high bible study. I got to talk with my youth pastor a bit about the goings on in my life which was nice. And now I'm here! Reading Love Wins and rambling about silly things... wait... this is my 100th post! This is a big deal! I need to do something big! Okay... I got this! A video post!!! Here you go all you avid readers! Or reader... I'm sure there can't be more than one or two people who actually take the time to read my stuff... but yeah, video post! Please, watch, or not... I mean it's up to you...
Okay did you watch? It's cool if you didn't. I won't know either way. Okay so that hot-mess of a train wreck video is over, here is the verse I will leave you with that sums up the past year...
Psalm 94:17-19
Unless the Lord had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.
My day started out pretty awesome. I had a great time alone with God. Reading some more in Psalm, Proverbs, James, and Isaiah. Then some prayer on the floor. There is something about intentionally getting down on my knees to pray that makes my time with God so much more intense.
I guess it's not the act itself of kneeling to pray, but the fact that when I kneel, I remember that I am kneeling before my King, my Creator, my Savior, my God. It humbles me. I used to start out every prayer asking God for help or praying for others, but since I've been kneeling, I've started my prayers praising God for His divinity and AWESOME power. Kneeling is a physical reminder of the contrast between me and God. I'm the servant, He is the master.
Okay so after that came work from 12-6. Work was kind of frustrating. I was on register and boy did some interesting characters come out of the woodwork today! Some creeper had the nerve to stare at my chest and at me while I bagged his purchases, then a German lady paid for her order all in change, and the only thing I could do was remind myself "Jesus died for these people too, Erin." So even though I got flustered, I kept my cool and thanked God I didn't have to work 8 hours today.
Then I helped with a junior high bible study. I got to talk with my youth pastor a bit about the goings on in my life which was nice. And now I'm here! Reading Love Wins and rambling about silly things... wait... this is my 100th post! This is a big deal! I need to do something big! Okay... I got this! A video post!!! Here you go all you avid readers! Or reader... I'm sure there can't be more than one or two people who actually take the time to read my stuff... but yeah, video post! Please, watch, or not... I mean it's up to you...
Okay did you watch? It's cool if you didn't. I won't know either way. Okay so that hot-mess of a train wreck video is over, here is the verse I will leave you with that sums up the past year...
Psalm 94:17-19
Unless the Lord had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
The anatomy of burger in mouth
It's been a rough day. I've been so focused on what I'm missing instead of what I already have. I'm not much in the mood to blog today to be honest. I've been trying to distract myself and talk to God about my feelings.
I'm ready to eat my feelings. It's a food binge kind of night. I've got some more praying to do for sure. I pray for God to strengthen me according to His purpose, for some perspective, for wisdom to discern right and wrong, to guard my heart, and use this sudden emotional downturn to draw closer to God.
God is working out this weird depression for my good. I don't know where to go from here honestly... except McDonalds for some greasy food to fill in the cracks of my heart. Okay, melodrama of that sentence made me smile so maybe all is not as bad as it feels. God loves me and wants to spend time with me, so life is definitely better than it feels right now.
I'm back on facebook for those who don't know. It's not really a big deal. I just miss knowing the goings on of people's lives. I want to start praying for one facebook friend everyday. Anyone who jumps out at me on the timeline first will be prayed for. That's how I roll.
Okay, I was serious about getting some McDonalds... it's definitely go time. I'm going to change out of my spandex volleyball shorts and ripped up workout shirt and make myself halfway decent so I can acquire some greasy nummyness. Yeah... you heard me, spandex shorts and a ripped up workout shirt. Today was my bum day. Don't judge.
Okay so wrapping up now... um... It's funny how writing out feelings makes me feel so much better. It helps me to get my thoughts out and stops me from wrestling with them so much. I leave you with an epic verse I read today, that applies to my life right now in more ways than one...
Psalm 81:10
I am the Lord your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God has definitely brought me out of my own personal "Egypt" many times in my life. He is so awesome... And yeah... you can bet your sweet momma I will open my mouth wide and fill it! I'm about to max out on a mcdouble! ...I know that's not much, but that's all my stomach can actually handle. I am not a big eater... anymore... BADAH-BAH-BAH-BAH! I'm lovin it!
I'm ready to eat my feelings. It's a food binge kind of night. I've got some more praying to do for sure. I pray for God to strengthen me according to His purpose, for some perspective, for wisdom to discern right and wrong, to guard my heart, and use this sudden emotional downturn to draw closer to God.
God is working out this weird depression for my good. I don't know where to go from here honestly... except McDonalds for some greasy food to fill in the cracks of my heart. Okay, melodrama of that sentence made me smile so maybe all is not as bad as it feels. God loves me and wants to spend time with me, so life is definitely better than it feels right now.
I'm back on facebook for those who don't know. It's not really a big deal. I just miss knowing the goings on of people's lives. I want to start praying for one facebook friend everyday. Anyone who jumps out at me on the timeline first will be prayed for. That's how I roll.
Okay, I was serious about getting some McDonalds... it's definitely go time. I'm going to change out of my spandex volleyball shorts and ripped up workout shirt and make myself halfway decent so I can acquire some greasy nummyness. Yeah... you heard me, spandex shorts and a ripped up workout shirt. Today was my bum day. Don't judge.
Okay so wrapping up now... um... It's funny how writing out feelings makes me feel so much better. It helps me to get my thoughts out and stops me from wrestling with them so much. I leave you with an epic verse I read today, that applies to my life right now in more ways than one...
Psalm 81:10
I am the Lord your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
God has definitely brought me out of my own personal "Egypt" many times in my life. He is so awesome... And yeah... you can bet your sweet momma I will open my mouth wide and fill it! I'm about to max out on a mcdouble! ...I know that's not much, but that's all my stomach can actually handle. I am not a big eater... anymore... BADAH-BAH-BAH-BAH! I'm lovin it!
Monday, June 25, 2012
The advantages of a goldfish memory
I want to be strong and beautiful like my friend Laura. She is so amazing and I've only really gotten to know her for a little over a week, and I absolutely love her. She is an absolute blessing in my life. Her personality is the perfect example of who I want to be. She is caring, compassionate, encouraging, always positive, wise, and so in love with God. So today we spent time together along with my friend Lara, watching old vhs tapes and just chilling together.
I've been so blessed to have people in my life. I praise God for the awesome community He has provided for me. If it weren't for my friends like Laura, Ashley, Lara, Jacob, the entire college bible study group, and my youth Pastor Weston, I would be in a much darker place than I was 3 weeks ago.
God has provided me with so much that I just cannot fathom His love for me. God has given me a community of new and old friends, a year of paid college tuition, financial aid to pay for textbooks, an awesome job at Goodwill, a grandmother who believes in me and my musical abilities enough to buy me a $400 keyboard, the wisdom to realize that my relationship with Christ is not where it should be, and a stronger heart to cope with these trials I face.
I'm listing these blessings because right now, I miss my ex so much. I've come to the point of almost texting him but erasing it before I could send it. I've prayed for God to be my strength, because I have none left.
Sometimes, it's nice having ADHD because one minute I feel depressed and lonely, and then I think of something else, or I see something shiny, or I hear Katy Perry on the radio, then I forget all about it. Hopefully this will be the case right now. I'll just continue to pray about it and maybe cram a bunch of family guy in my noggin before I fall asleep.
I've started reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. You know, that's the guy who is being called a heretic for writing that book by a bunch of people who haven't even read the book. Christian people can be so bogus sometimes, myself included. I've only gotten through the first couple of chapters, but it's already stretched me with all the questions it has raised.
I'm glad I'm reading it because it's forcing me to develop my beliefs about God and salvation and it's helping me become more sure of what I believe and why I believe it. It's also been a nice distraction. I need as many distractions as I can get right now.
So anyway, I'm somewhat in a rut right now. My heart is heavy, my soul is restless, but God loves me. I trust God and his perfect provision. He's blessed me with so much right now so I can get through this dark time. He will never leave me or forsake me. God has given me a joy that withstands the most difficult of trials, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and an attention span that lasts as long as an A-list celebrity marriage.
Psalm 32:7
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
I've been so blessed to have people in my life. I praise God for the awesome community He has provided for me. If it weren't for my friends like Laura, Ashley, Lara, Jacob, the entire college bible study group, and my youth Pastor Weston, I would be in a much darker place than I was 3 weeks ago.
God has provided me with so much that I just cannot fathom His love for me. God has given me a community of new and old friends, a year of paid college tuition, financial aid to pay for textbooks, an awesome job at Goodwill, a grandmother who believes in me and my musical abilities enough to buy me a $400 keyboard, the wisdom to realize that my relationship with Christ is not where it should be, and a stronger heart to cope with these trials I face.
I'm listing these blessings because right now, I miss my ex so much. I've come to the point of almost texting him but erasing it before I could send it. I've prayed for God to be my strength, because I have none left.
Sometimes, it's nice having ADHD because one minute I feel depressed and lonely, and then I think of something else, or I see something shiny, or I hear Katy Perry on the radio, then I forget all about it. Hopefully this will be the case right now. I'll just continue to pray about it and maybe cram a bunch of family guy in my noggin before I fall asleep.
I've started reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. You know, that's the guy who is being called a heretic for writing that book by a bunch of people who haven't even read the book. Christian people can be so bogus sometimes, myself included. I've only gotten through the first couple of chapters, but it's already stretched me with all the questions it has raised.
I'm glad I'm reading it because it's forcing me to develop my beliefs about God and salvation and it's helping me become more sure of what I believe and why I believe it. It's also been a nice distraction. I need as many distractions as I can get right now.
So anyway, I'm somewhat in a rut right now. My heart is heavy, my soul is restless, but God loves me. I trust God and his perfect provision. He's blessed me with so much right now so I can get through this dark time. He will never leave me or forsake me. God has given me a joy that withstands the most difficult of trials, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and an attention span that lasts as long as an A-list celebrity marriage.
Psalm 32:7
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I'm such a girl
Old wounds have been ripped open. The past couple of days have been awesome, but right now, someone has been jabbing me about breaking my ex's heart and it hurts. I never wanted to break up with him, but you know, God was not the
number one priority in my life and I was far from Him. I struggled with
so many temptations and I just couldn't handle it on my own. God's will for my life is to place my identity in Him and not in another man.
So, this person kept asking my why I broke up with him, and told me how heart broken he is, and how sad he is and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a super b-word. It got me to thinking about him and missing him. Man, I miss him so much. I just miss being friends with him. I'm so weak. I'm so emotional.
I've prayed for him every day that God would just bless him and that he would fall more in love with God every day. I pray for his next relationship, his future, his career, and his relationship with God. I care about him, so I want pray for him, but it also seems to help my heart heal and reminds me that God is in control. I still hurt though. I pray that God will be my strength as I struggle with this, and that He will give me patience to learn to be satisfied in Him.
I get so frustrated with myself for not being satisfied in God. I'm trying so hard to just draw near to God by praying and reading His word and just surrendering to God in every aspect of my life and doing His will. I'm angry that I'm not where I should be. I'm angry that I just cannot pull myself together. I hate being all emotional and needy, and... well... acting like a girl.
College group was tonight, which was awesome. It was led by the new youth and worship pastor at the Nazarene church. She's 22 and amazing! We talked about faith without deeds. I mentioned to everyone that God has been placing on my heart to put my entire paycheck into the offering next Sunday.
God has given me so much, a whole year of college tuition paid for, and financial aid, a new keyboard, and blessing upon blessing, and I need to at least give what I can back to Him. So that's what is on the agenda for this week! My next paycheck is going into the offering. I've been fighting with God about it for a while so it helps to get the word out so others will hold me accountable on this. It's going to hurt, but God deserves everything I have so it's worth it.
I also got to hang out with my favorite ginger and Laura. We went to applebees and saw Rock of Ages. I heart musicals, and I heart Rock of Ages. Oh my goodness there was soo much singing in the theater! It was mostly coming from me, but I didn't care! It's been so nice to finally know what a community feels like and have a steady group of friends who love me and whom I can count on and hold me accountable.
Like I said, I'm kind of hurting right now, but God is good. His love endures forever, and I will not give in to the temptation to text so and so right now. I'm just going to dig into the word some more, pray, and maybe listen to a podcast. Even though I'm drop-dead tired.
God is working my pain out for my good. I trust that He will bring beauty from my pain. I love God so much, and even in my broken state, I will praise His glorious name because God is worthy to be praised, especially when it's hard to do so. So, glory to God forever!
2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
So, this person kept asking my why I broke up with him, and told me how heart broken he is, and how sad he is and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a super b-word. It got me to thinking about him and missing him. Man, I miss him so much. I just miss being friends with him. I'm so weak. I'm so emotional.
I've prayed for him every day that God would just bless him and that he would fall more in love with God every day. I pray for his next relationship, his future, his career, and his relationship with God. I care about him, so I want pray for him, but it also seems to help my heart heal and reminds me that God is in control. I still hurt though. I pray that God will be my strength as I struggle with this, and that He will give me patience to learn to be satisfied in Him.
I get so frustrated with myself for not being satisfied in God. I'm trying so hard to just draw near to God by praying and reading His word and just surrendering to God in every aspect of my life and doing His will. I'm angry that I'm not where I should be. I'm angry that I just cannot pull myself together. I hate being all emotional and needy, and... well... acting like a girl.
College group was tonight, which was awesome. It was led by the new youth and worship pastor at the Nazarene church. She's 22 and amazing! We talked about faith without deeds. I mentioned to everyone that God has been placing on my heart to put my entire paycheck into the offering next Sunday.
God has given me so much, a whole year of college tuition paid for, and financial aid, a new keyboard, and blessing upon blessing, and I need to at least give what I can back to Him. So that's what is on the agenda for this week! My next paycheck is going into the offering. I've been fighting with God about it for a while so it helps to get the word out so others will hold me accountable on this. It's going to hurt, but God deserves everything I have so it's worth it.
I also got to hang out with my favorite ginger and Laura. We went to applebees and saw Rock of Ages. I heart musicals, and I heart Rock of Ages. Oh my goodness there was soo much singing in the theater! It was mostly coming from me, but I didn't care! It's been so nice to finally know what a community feels like and have a steady group of friends who love me and whom I can count on and hold me accountable.
Like I said, I'm kind of hurting right now, but God is good. His love endures forever, and I will not give in to the temptation to text so and so right now. I'm just going to dig into the word some more, pray, and maybe listen to a podcast. Even though I'm drop-dead tired.
God is working my pain out for my good. I trust that He will bring beauty from my pain. I love God so much, and even in my broken state, I will praise His glorious name because God is worthy to be praised, especially when it's hard to do so. So, glory to God forever!
2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
Epic weekend-ness
I apologize for the lack of post yesterday. I was super busy. So yesterday! Let's talk about that shall we? Yesterday I worked! I also got to hang out with my crazy beautiful amazing friend, Laura. We went to a coffee shop and talked for hours. She wanted to know my story, my faith story. She pretty much asked me right off the bat which was new for me, you know, to have someone interested in my faith story.
So I shared everything. From growing up in a christian home, being the child of a missionary and pastor, my depression and cutting in middle school, struggling with something else I'm too ashamed to admit that I've actually only told one other person, my insecurity and loneliness in high school, my anorexia and bulimia in high school, bitterness toward God after my rejection to the one college I thought I was destined to attend, my faith changing surgeries, new found devotion to God, feeling called to work in youth and worship ministry, the spiritual growth those trials brought me, my parents' separation, my extreme depression during that, my best friend who carried me through it all, our dating relationship, struggles with purity, then the break up which brings me to my current growth in Christ.
Then she told me her story and I could just hear her passion for Christ in every word. She's been through the wringer, and God has redeemed her. I absolutely adored every minute we spent together. Then we went to applebees and chatted some more about Christianity, getting over relationships, relying on God, baptism, life, faith, love, and men who are so attractive that I go cross-eyed just looking at them.
We goofed around at walmart and waited for another beautiful friend to finish work so we could celebrate her new career as a social worker! We went to steak n shake and slurped down ice creamy goodness and tried to be somewhat civil in public, despite our late night fatigue that had turned us all into goofy, hot-messes. The entire day was a blessing for me to just be able to unload everything on my heart and have someone else who is living out their faith understand exactly what I'm going through. God is really taking care of me.
Then today I worked. At work, I sorted and hung clothing and talked with a dude my age about... religion. It was definitely an exciting opportunity for me to be open and up front about my faith. I shared why I believe what I believe and some of my faith story with him. He was completely cool about it and we just got to know each other better. No arguing about religion or any heated discussion involved. Just God giving me the opportunity to live out my faith in every aspect of my life. I then invited him to church and told him he should check out any church at least once. He said he was definitely open to it. So yay for God!
I'm now going to start praying for him every day, that God would open up his heart toward Christ, deepen our friendship with one another so it can give me the opportunity to really witness to him. Usually I'm not the kind of person to step out in faith and share about my beliefs and relationship with God with someone I barely know. I do my best to avoid confrontation and usually religion is at the root of many confrontations, but today I was filled with God's peace that surpasses all understanding. I just relied on God to give me the words to say, since I can be a bumbling idiot sometimes and God definitely provided. So today was a huge personal victory for me. God definitely led the way though.
I came home on cloud nine. I did my devotions, knelt down and prayed, and got ready to go to the Peoria Chiefs game with my friend Lara and her family. I spent time with her and her brother and other students from the church. (You know, after spending time with high schoolers at Soul Survivor and at the game tonight, I realized how much I miss being in high school ministry. I may never get to do that at my church again, but I'm thinking about volunteering at the Nazarene church in the fall.) Anyway, as soon as Lara and I walk through the gates of the stadium, some worker stops us and asks us if we want to participate in a game between innings. We said, uh... yeah!! So we got to play musical chairs, except the chairs were giant exercise balls. We didn't win... bummer. But we had soo much fun!
After the game, came the fireworks. They were uhhhmazing! Some christian songs played as the fireworks went off, and I just had an amazing moment of just worshiping God and His awesomeness before this gorgeous fireworks display. Then Josh Wilson played a concert after the fireworks. I got to do some more amazing worshiping to his awesome music. The night, no, this entire weekend was just hands down epic. God's hand was in my entire weekend, and I just love Him so so much.
I actually have to sing in church tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed. I just thought I'd give you a heads up on the past couple of days. Another epic weekend, full of undeserved blessing for Erin Darling. God is awesome. He has given me so much more than I deserve. I am just in awe of God's love and provision in my life. His love endures forever... and ever... and ever!!!! Nighty night world!
So I shared everything. From growing up in a christian home, being the child of a missionary and pastor, my depression and cutting in middle school, struggling with something else I'm too ashamed to admit that I've actually only told one other person, my insecurity and loneliness in high school, my anorexia and bulimia in high school, bitterness toward God after my rejection to the one college I thought I was destined to attend, my faith changing surgeries, new found devotion to God, feeling called to work in youth and worship ministry, the spiritual growth those trials brought me, my parents' separation, my extreme depression during that, my best friend who carried me through it all, our dating relationship, struggles with purity, then the break up which brings me to my current growth in Christ.
Then she told me her story and I could just hear her passion for Christ in every word. She's been through the wringer, and God has redeemed her. I absolutely adored every minute we spent together. Then we went to applebees and chatted some more about Christianity, getting over relationships, relying on God, baptism, life, faith, love, and men who are so attractive that I go cross-eyed just looking at them.
We goofed around at walmart and waited for another beautiful friend to finish work so we could celebrate her new career as a social worker! We went to steak n shake and slurped down ice creamy goodness and tried to be somewhat civil in public, despite our late night fatigue that had turned us all into goofy, hot-messes. The entire day was a blessing for me to just be able to unload everything on my heart and have someone else who is living out their faith understand exactly what I'm going through. God is really taking care of me.
Then today I worked. At work, I sorted and hung clothing and talked with a dude my age about... religion. It was definitely an exciting opportunity for me to be open and up front about my faith. I shared why I believe what I believe and some of my faith story with him. He was completely cool about it and we just got to know each other better. No arguing about religion or any heated discussion involved. Just God giving me the opportunity to live out my faith in every aspect of my life. I then invited him to church and told him he should check out any church at least once. He said he was definitely open to it. So yay for God!
I'm now going to start praying for him every day, that God would open up his heart toward Christ, deepen our friendship with one another so it can give me the opportunity to really witness to him. Usually I'm not the kind of person to step out in faith and share about my beliefs and relationship with God with someone I barely know. I do my best to avoid confrontation and usually religion is at the root of many confrontations, but today I was filled with God's peace that surpasses all understanding. I just relied on God to give me the words to say, since I can be a bumbling idiot sometimes and God definitely provided. So today was a huge personal victory for me. God definitely led the way though.
I came home on cloud nine. I did my devotions, knelt down and prayed, and got ready to go to the Peoria Chiefs game with my friend Lara and her family. I spent time with her and her brother and other students from the church. (You know, after spending time with high schoolers at Soul Survivor and at the game tonight, I realized how much I miss being in high school ministry. I may never get to do that at my church again, but I'm thinking about volunteering at the Nazarene church in the fall.) Anyway, as soon as Lara and I walk through the gates of the stadium, some worker stops us and asks us if we want to participate in a game between innings. We said, uh... yeah!! So we got to play musical chairs, except the chairs were giant exercise balls. We didn't win... bummer. But we had soo much fun!
After the game, came the fireworks. They were uhhhmazing! Some christian songs played as the fireworks went off, and I just had an amazing moment of just worshiping God and His awesomeness before this gorgeous fireworks display. Then Josh Wilson played a concert after the fireworks. I got to do some more amazing worshiping to his awesome music. The night, no, this entire weekend was just hands down epic. God's hand was in my entire weekend, and I just love Him so so much.
I actually have to sing in church tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed. I just thought I'd give you a heads up on the past couple of days. Another epic weekend, full of undeserved blessing for Erin Darling. God is awesome. He has given me so much more than I deserve. I am just in awe of God's love and provision in my life. His love endures forever... and ever... and ever!!!! Nighty night world!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Butt-naked
Reading through Proverbs has really stretched me. Why? Because I am a fool. I love to say foolish things and be ridiculous to make people laugh. It's a part of who I am. But... Proverbs states over and over again that people need to avoid fools in their folly.
Being the funny person in and of itself is not always a bad thing. Laughter can be the best medicine. I'm not saying that who I am is wrong and sinful. I'm saying that playing the fool has become my idol. I can always count on my humor to control an environment. It makes me feel secure in who I am. That is what is so dangerous.
I am counting on my humor to save me more than my God. I have placed my identity in my humor. I've always hated reading through Proverbs but never understood why until I realized that. God wants to rebuild me to become more like Christ. I realize now that my commitment to God means becoming less like funny, confident little Erin Darling, and more like Jesus Christ.
I've been extremely stubborn in this area of my life. I want to keep most of who I am and follow Christ. But I cannot grab onto Jesus unless I first throw away everything else I'm carrying. God wants my devotion, and right now God is asking me to empty myself so I can be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is a scary thing for me. Who would I be without my humor? I don't know. But I do know who I am in Christ.
So I am going for it. I don't know how, but I'm going to get rid of myself. Maybe that means not talking for a day... because let's face it, the moment I start to speak is the moment I will slip up. Please pray for me as I begin the process of placing my identity in Christ alone instead of my humor.
I was reading Isaiah and this chapter made me laugh, but it is also a great illustration of what I need to do in my life in order to commit myself to God...
Isaiah 20
1 In the year that the supreme commander, sent by Sargon king of Assyria, came to Ashdod and attacked and captured it—
2 at that time the Lord spoke through Isaiah son of Amoz. He said to him, “Take off the sackcloth from your body and the sandals from your feet.” And he did so, going around stripped and barefoot. 3 Then the Lord said, “Just as my servant Isaiah has gone stripped and barefoot for three years, as a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush,4 so the king of Assyria will lead away stripped and barefoot the Egyptian captives and Cushite exiles, young and old, with buttocks bared—to Egypt's shame.5 Those who trusted in Cush and boasted in Egypt will be afraid and put to shame.
6 In that day the people who live on this coast will say, ‘See what has happened to those we relied on, those we fled to for help and deliverance from the king of Assyria! How then can we escape?’ ”
I need to strip down and get barefoot. I need to throw off everything that is hindering me in my relationship with God. Sure it's going to be hard to let go of the one thing that is my identity, the thing that defines me, or the thing I rely on to feel loved and important and human. It's going to feel as uncomfortable as getting naked and barefoot and walking around in public like the prophet Isaiah did.
I am determined to follow God. I will get naked for Jesus! ...Okay, see, there's a prime example of my foolishness. I immediately regretted typing that, but I'm going to leave it in so you know the severity of my identity issues.
Tonight, I pray for the obedience of Isaiah. He got nude for God, and I want an obedience like that. I pray that I can strip off everything about myself, so I can be more like Christ.
Here are a couple other verses that have resonated within my heart that don't involve nudity.
Psalm 44:26
Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of your unfailing love.
Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Being the funny person in and of itself is not always a bad thing. Laughter can be the best medicine. I'm not saying that who I am is wrong and sinful. I'm saying that playing the fool has become my idol. I can always count on my humor to control an environment. It makes me feel secure in who I am. That is what is so dangerous.
I am counting on my humor to save me more than my God. I have placed my identity in my humor. I've always hated reading through Proverbs but never understood why until I realized that. God wants to rebuild me to become more like Christ. I realize now that my commitment to God means becoming less like funny, confident little Erin Darling, and more like Jesus Christ.
I've been extremely stubborn in this area of my life. I want to keep most of who I am and follow Christ. But I cannot grab onto Jesus unless I first throw away everything else I'm carrying. God wants my devotion, and right now God is asking me to empty myself so I can be filled with the Holy Spirit. This is a scary thing for me. Who would I be without my humor? I don't know. But I do know who I am in Christ.
So I am going for it. I don't know how, but I'm going to get rid of myself. Maybe that means not talking for a day... because let's face it, the moment I start to speak is the moment I will slip up. Please pray for me as I begin the process of placing my identity in Christ alone instead of my humor.
I was reading Isaiah and this chapter made me laugh, but it is also a great illustration of what I need to do in my life in order to commit myself to God...
Isaiah 20
1 In the year that the supreme commander, sent by Sargon king of Assyria, came to Ashdod and attacked and captured it—
2 at that time the Lord spoke through Isaiah son of Amoz. He said to him, “Take off the sackcloth from your body and the sandals from your feet.” And he did so, going around stripped and barefoot. 3 Then the Lord said, “Just as my servant Isaiah has gone stripped and barefoot for three years, as a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush,4 so the king of Assyria will lead away stripped and barefoot the Egyptian captives and Cushite exiles, young and old, with buttocks bared—to Egypt's shame.5 Those who trusted in Cush and boasted in Egypt will be afraid and put to shame.
6 In that day the people who live on this coast will say, ‘See what has happened to those we relied on, those we fled to for help and deliverance from the king of Assyria! How then can we escape?’ ”
I need to strip down and get barefoot. I need to throw off everything that is hindering me in my relationship with God. Sure it's going to be hard to let go of the one thing that is my identity, the thing that defines me, or the thing I rely on to feel loved and important and human. It's going to feel as uncomfortable as getting naked and barefoot and walking around in public like the prophet Isaiah did.
I am determined to follow God. I will get naked for Jesus! ...Okay, see, there's a prime example of my foolishness. I immediately regretted typing that, but I'm going to leave it in so you know the severity of my identity issues.
Tonight, I pray for the obedience of Isaiah. He got nude for God, and I want an obedience like that. I pray that I can strip off everything about myself, so I can be more like Christ.
Here are a couple other verses that have resonated within my heart that don't involve nudity.
Psalm 44:26
Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of your unfailing love.
Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
I look like Cyndi Lauper... or maybe a bit like Hayley Williams from Paramore... I redyed it red with a friend, and then I got this crazy idea to put some streaks in it. I was going to do blue, so I bleached it first, but I like what the bleach did to my hair, so I'm going to keep it. This different phase of my life deserves different hair. (That's how I justify the impulsive decision to streak my hair.)
I'm super tired, and I want to get to some prayer and tylenol before bed so um... nothing profound for today. Just a goofy pic of me trying to look like Cyndi Lauper.... but this is me without any makeup on whatsoever, verses Cyndi Lauper... wearing more eye makeup than an ugly transvestite on a Friday night...
I'm super tired, and I want to get to some prayer and tylenol before bed so um... nothing profound for today. Just a goofy pic of me trying to look like Cyndi Lauper.... but this is me without any makeup on whatsoever, verses Cyndi Lauper... wearing more eye makeup than an ugly transvestite on a Friday night...
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
His love endures forever
I just finished my time alone with God. I'm still reading through Psalm, Proverbs, and Isaiah right now. I've started something new in my time with God also. After I am done reading the bible, I go to the side of my bed, get down on my knees, and kneel before God in prayer. "Reacquaint my knees with the carpet." (As Brooke Fraser so succinctly stated in her song Lifeline. Although, my room has no carpet... just cement, because I'm still living in my parents' basement.)
I say this not because I want applause or praise... I could care less whether you think I'm crazy or cool for kneeling in prayer. I say this because I need a physical reminder of my lowliness before God. I kneel to remember that I am talking to a King. The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Kneeling on the cold floor humbles me, because when I'm before God, it's where I should be. I deserve nothing more than the ground before the presence of the Almighty God.
My bible reading has become a habit now but I forget sometimes to go to God in prayer. Time alone with God consists of hearing from God through reading His word, and responding to God in prayer. It is now day two of my adventures in kneeling. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, or not... because there's not much else to say about it really. It's pretty straightforward, so maybe I'll just leave it at that.
I am doing a ton of bible reading right now, and I wish I could talk about every single passage that jumped out at me, but I'm sure you, my dear reader, have a life. So I'll just pick one, even though it's like choosing one favorite Johnny Depp movie out of every single movie ever... because, let's face it, what movie hasn't Johnny Depp been in?! Seriously!
Okay so I am going to cheat and focus on the entire chapter of Psalm 136. (Yeah that's right. I just cheated at my own game.) Somewhere in every single verse in Psalm 136 says "His love endures forever." Psalm 136 has 26 verses, so let me get my calculator and to find out how many times the writer wrote that. I was never very good at math, but I'm decent enough to count... so 26 times! This obviously must have been very important for the writer to put that in 26 times.
Psalm 136:22-26
an inheritance to his servant Israel; His love endures forever. To the One who remembered us in our low estate His love endures forever. and freed us from our enemies, His love endures forever. and who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.
What I gleaned from this passage is what God has brought me through in my life. Earlier, the chapter mentions the Isrealites brought out of Egypt. (I also read more about that in Isaiah.) But I realized that I cannot forget where I've been. How awful my life used to be before God. I cannot forget what He has carried me through. Like depression, cutting, bulimia, years of limping around with deformed hips, and 7 surgeries in one year. His love for me endured all of that. God has delivered me through so much! He has worked out all of these seemingly awful trials for my good.
I can not and should not forget this because it will remind me that God will continue to deliver me from my current trials: my parents' getting divorced, breaking up with my boyfriend, constant insecurity and self loathing. God has blessed me and loved me in the past and He will not stop now, because His love endures forever.
Then I dissected the actual phrase "His love endures forever." That is a serious love, guys. This love is bigger than any love any human could ever experience with another human. I thought of my relationship with my ex and how many times I broke his heart and as a result, broken my relationship with him. Then I thought of how many more times I have broken God's heart, but His love endures forever. God's love not only endures forever, but God's love endures everything! He has loved me at my worst moments, when I loved rejecting Him for something else.
Sadly, there have been times where I told God I hated Him. God still loves me. I have exchanged God for worthless idols like boys, applause, approval of friends, entertainment, money, and security. I've sinned against God so much that sometimes I don't even know it. I may sin and think that I'm perfectly justified for it. (Proverbs 16:2 "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.") But God still loves me. He has even placed these sins as far as the east is from the west.
I could sing of God's love forever, but I won't right now because I'm in my room and it's 11:08 and I need to go to bed soon and if I sing of God's love, you can bet your sweet boots that it's going to be some loud singing, so for the sake of my neighbors, I will wait for the opportune moment... and since I just quoted from Pirates of the Caribbean, I kind of want to go watch it now. Oh Johnny Depp, you are my hero.
Okay, it's really time to go. I'm just spitting out nonsense now. I will leave you with one more awesome verse, from Isaiah. I looove it because it's beautifully worded. It paints a beautiful picture of God's patience. (If I ever write a good song, I will definitely incorporate this verse into the lyrics.)
Isaiah 18:4
This is what the Lord says to me:
“I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place,
like shimmering heat in the sunshine,
like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.”
I say this not because I want applause or praise... I could care less whether you think I'm crazy or cool for kneeling in prayer. I say this because I need a physical reminder of my lowliness before God. I kneel to remember that I am talking to a King. The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Kneeling on the cold floor humbles me, because when I'm before God, it's where I should be. I deserve nothing more than the ground before the presence of the Almighty God.
My bible reading has become a habit now but I forget sometimes to go to God in prayer. Time alone with God consists of hearing from God through reading His word, and responding to God in prayer. It is now day two of my adventures in kneeling. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, or not... because there's not much else to say about it really. It's pretty straightforward, so maybe I'll just leave it at that.
I am doing a ton of bible reading right now, and I wish I could talk about every single passage that jumped out at me, but I'm sure you, my dear reader, have a life. So I'll just pick one, even though it's like choosing one favorite Johnny Depp movie out of every single movie ever... because, let's face it, what movie hasn't Johnny Depp been in?! Seriously!
Okay so I am going to cheat and focus on the entire chapter of Psalm 136. (Yeah that's right. I just cheated at my own game.) Somewhere in every single verse in Psalm 136 says "His love endures forever." Psalm 136 has 26 verses, so let me get my calculator and to find out how many times the writer wrote that. I was never very good at math, but I'm decent enough to count... so 26 times! This obviously must have been very important for the writer to put that in 26 times.
Psalm 136:22-26
an inheritance to his servant Israel; His love endures forever. To the One who remembered us in our low estate His love endures forever. and freed us from our enemies, His love endures forever. and who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.
What I gleaned from this passage is what God has brought me through in my life. Earlier, the chapter mentions the Isrealites brought out of Egypt. (I also read more about that in Isaiah.) But I realized that I cannot forget where I've been. How awful my life used to be before God. I cannot forget what He has carried me through. Like depression, cutting, bulimia, years of limping around with deformed hips, and 7 surgeries in one year. His love for me endured all of that. God has delivered me through so much! He has worked out all of these seemingly awful trials for my good.
I can not and should not forget this because it will remind me that God will continue to deliver me from my current trials: my parents' getting divorced, breaking up with my boyfriend, constant insecurity and self loathing. God has blessed me and loved me in the past and He will not stop now, because His love endures forever.
Then I dissected the actual phrase "His love endures forever." That is a serious love, guys. This love is bigger than any love any human could ever experience with another human. I thought of my relationship with my ex and how many times I broke his heart and as a result, broken my relationship with him. Then I thought of how many more times I have broken God's heart, but His love endures forever. God's love not only endures forever, but God's love endures everything! He has loved me at my worst moments, when I loved rejecting Him for something else.
Sadly, there have been times where I told God I hated Him. God still loves me. I have exchanged God for worthless idols like boys, applause, approval of friends, entertainment, money, and security. I've sinned against God so much that sometimes I don't even know it. I may sin and think that I'm perfectly justified for it. (Proverbs 16:2 "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.") But God still loves me. He has even placed these sins as far as the east is from the west.
I could sing of God's love forever, but I won't right now because I'm in my room and it's 11:08 and I need to go to bed soon and if I sing of God's love, you can bet your sweet boots that it's going to be some loud singing, so for the sake of my neighbors, I will wait for the opportune moment... and since I just quoted from Pirates of the Caribbean, I kind of want to go watch it now. Oh Johnny Depp, you are my hero.
Okay, it's really time to go. I'm just spitting out nonsense now. I will leave you with one more awesome verse, from Isaiah. I looove it because it's beautifully worded. It paints a beautiful picture of God's patience. (If I ever write a good song, I will definitely incorporate this verse into the lyrics.)
Isaiah 18:4
This is what the Lord says to me:
“I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place,
like shimmering heat in the sunshine,
like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.”
Monday, June 18, 2012
Almost beautiful
Today was perfect. I'm just in a euphoric state right now. God has blessed me beyond my capacity to receive blessing. Holy moses. Let's begin with this morning, shall we? Let's start at the beginning, a very good place to start... Sound of Music reference, anyone? The song Do Re Mi? Anybody? No? Okay moving on.
I decided to go to the Nazarene church this morning since I didn't have to sing on worship team and since it was Jacob's last Sunday in Galesburg. (sniffle) The worship... was... GLORIOUS! So different than how we worship at Bethel! People were definitely rockin out to some epic Jesus music. I could dance (even more so than I do at Bethel) and not stand out in the crowd because everyone else was doing it too. I got to praise God with my entire being and it was glorious.
Then I went to pizza hut for lunch and hung out more with the naz people. It was such a blessing to be surrounded by peers and Godly men and women just chillin and eatin pizza. It's not something I get to do very often, surprisingly.
Then some of the girls decided to go paddle boating at lake storey and I was invited with them. My favorite ginger brought her ukelele and we paddled and sang to our hearts content out on the lake. It was weird to have high school students and peers genuinely want to hang around me. They all really care about me. I asked God for a friend, and He just floods me with a church full of them!
Then I ventured to the college group bible study. (Held at the same place as Soul Survivor.) We discussed John 2. The chapter about judgement. The chapter with one of the verses that slapped me in the face with conviction when I first read it. "Mercy triumphs over judgement." So I talked a lot during that discussion because that verse has had such an impact on my life. Let's face it, I talk a lot period. I guess I've come to terms with that now. I think having ADHD and excessive talking go hand in hand, like 4am and taco bell, like bacon and more bacon, like music and everything, like peanut butter and ladies. (Just kidding, I had to throw that quote from Talladega Nights in there.)
Then we went to the pond to go swimming. I sat on the dock because I'm a huge weenie. I hate water. I mean, I can stand in the shallow end of a pool, but I panic when I have to swim in the deep end. I know how to swim, it's just... okay yeah, I'm just a huge weenie. Let's just leave it at that.
I got to chat it up with my friends about my life. Someone asked about my scar, so I told her about the hip surgeries. Then we talked about school, what I was planning to do with my life. I mentioned wanting to transfer to Hillsong College, but told her I was trying to be realistic about it and it was more of a dream than anything. And she and the others around me encouraged me to go for it. To have someone who didn't know me very well encourage me and believe in me to follow that dream was... well, new. I've never had anyone say that to me before. It was awesome and a blessing to have that kind of interaction. I genuinely felt like everyone cared about me.
I walked back up with my friend Laura. She and I chatted about the frustrations of having a disability. She has palsy, and walks with a limp. Laura is a beautiful woman of God. I love her to death. So anyway, we chatted about the annoyances of having people worry about you so much and being overprotective of you when you struggle with walking. We talked about the hatred of the "pity stares" from people as they watch us limp. We bonded on so many different levels this weekend and as we climbed up the hill to get back to the house, we shared our struggles and triumphs. We got to the top of the hill, and I did a Rocky Balboa dance, sang the song, and shuffled around, punching the air like a doofus because I felt like we had conquered more than just that ridiculously steep hill together.
Not once this entire weekend, did I feel alone or ugly... quite the opposite. I felt loved, and... not as ugly on the inside anymore, almost beautiful even. I mean, if I was such a horrible person with such an ugly personality, why would I have gotten along with so many new people and made a bunch of new friends over the course of 2 days?
I still felt minor stabs of insecurity, but nothing even close to what I usually feel. God is taking care of me. I have been praising Him for every second of this perfect weekend. I give God the glory for it all.
The drive home consisted of Gungor blasting through my crappy stereo speakers, windows all the way down, driving 70...ish... just singing my heart out and praising God for everything. "You make me new, you are making me new."
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
I decided to go to the Nazarene church this morning since I didn't have to sing on worship team and since it was Jacob's last Sunday in Galesburg. (sniffle) The worship... was... GLORIOUS! So different than how we worship at Bethel! People were definitely rockin out to some epic Jesus music. I could dance (even more so than I do at Bethel) and not stand out in the crowd because everyone else was doing it too. I got to praise God with my entire being and it was glorious.
Then I went to pizza hut for lunch and hung out more with the naz people. It was such a blessing to be surrounded by peers and Godly men and women just chillin and eatin pizza. It's not something I get to do very often, surprisingly.
Then some of the girls decided to go paddle boating at lake storey and I was invited with them. My favorite ginger brought her ukelele and we paddled and sang to our hearts content out on the lake. It was weird to have high school students and peers genuinely want to hang around me. They all really care about me. I asked God for a friend, and He just floods me with a church full of them!
Then I ventured to the college group bible study. (Held at the same place as Soul Survivor.) We discussed John 2. The chapter about judgement. The chapter with one of the verses that slapped me in the face with conviction when I first read it. "Mercy triumphs over judgement." So I talked a lot during that discussion because that verse has had such an impact on my life. Let's face it, I talk a lot period. I guess I've come to terms with that now. I think having ADHD and excessive talking go hand in hand, like 4am and taco bell, like bacon and more bacon, like music and everything, like peanut butter and ladies. (Just kidding, I had to throw that quote from Talladega Nights in there.)
Then we went to the pond to go swimming. I sat on the dock because I'm a huge weenie. I hate water. I mean, I can stand in the shallow end of a pool, but I panic when I have to swim in the deep end. I know how to swim, it's just... okay yeah, I'm just a huge weenie. Let's just leave it at that.
I got to chat it up with my friends about my life. Someone asked about my scar, so I told her about the hip surgeries. Then we talked about school, what I was planning to do with my life. I mentioned wanting to transfer to Hillsong College, but told her I was trying to be realistic about it and it was more of a dream than anything. And she and the others around me encouraged me to go for it. To have someone who didn't know me very well encourage me and believe in me to follow that dream was... well, new. I've never had anyone say that to me before. It was awesome and a blessing to have that kind of interaction. I genuinely felt like everyone cared about me.
I walked back up with my friend Laura. She and I chatted about the frustrations of having a disability. She has palsy, and walks with a limp. Laura is a beautiful woman of God. I love her to death. So anyway, we chatted about the annoyances of having people worry about you so much and being overprotective of you when you struggle with walking. We talked about the hatred of the "pity stares" from people as they watch us limp. We bonded on so many different levels this weekend and as we climbed up the hill to get back to the house, we shared our struggles and triumphs. We got to the top of the hill, and I did a Rocky Balboa dance, sang the song, and shuffled around, punching the air like a doofus because I felt like we had conquered more than just that ridiculously steep hill together.
Not once this entire weekend, did I feel alone or ugly... quite the opposite. I felt loved, and... not as ugly on the inside anymore, almost beautiful even. I mean, if I was such a horrible person with such an ugly personality, why would I have gotten along with so many new people and made a bunch of new friends over the course of 2 days?
I still felt minor stabs of insecurity, but nothing even close to what I usually feel. God is taking care of me. I have been praising Him for every second of this perfect weekend. I give God the glory for it all.
The drive home consisted of Gungor blasting through my crappy stereo speakers, windows all the way down, driving 70...ish... just singing my heart out and praising God for everything. "You make me new, you are making me new."
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Soul Survivor
Soul Survivor. A freakin epic weekend. Neither of those were complete sentences, but wow, I am just so pumped right now! God has blessed me with a jam-packed weekend of serving, mud wrestling (more on that later), new found friendships, and awesome time to fellowship and glorify Him together.
I left Friday evening right after work, and did not know what to expect at all. After a stressful drive there, I was a little nervous and anxious about what I was about to face. I got there and all of the students were playing these epic games that one would play, like on Survivor or whatever. They were hanging from ropes, problem solving, and it was all very intimidating but exciting at the same time.
I asked the man in charge, Jacob, (awesome bro of God... yeah... I said bro of God) what he needed help with. He pointed me to the kitchen, but they had everything taken care of... so I wandered til I found someone I sort of knew. I ran into a lovely lady, Laura, who attends the college bible study and helped her with the game she was running.
We totally bonded from the start. We have similar outgoing personalities, taste in music, and almost even the same faith story. We are both struggling with a break up... yeah... seriously. God is so good at piecing people's lives together for the purpose of fellowship and comforting. God is good, period.
So all day we hung out and chatted and then she introduced me to some awesome students who accepted me right off the bat. I had never felt so wanted or so loved. Then we had dinner, worshiped and Jacob presented the message. The message was about baggage. The theme was "What is in your backpack?" The passage from the bible was about the prodigal son in Luke 15:11. Jacob talked about the things we hold on to, like guilt, bad relationships, pain, and other things... wow. A shot straight to the heart, courtesy of God. (Shot to the heart! And your to blame, darlin. You give looove a bad name!)
It's so hard to see past my imperfections and guilt and see God's love for me in spite of all that. In my worst moment, God still loves me. Jacob said that Jesus didn't die on the cross so you to hang on to your burdens. I am free from them now. I don't have to let them weigh me down, all I have to do is trust God with them.
So then I hung out some more with a ton of amazing people, singing Relient K, Britney Spears, and various artists, all to an acoustic guitar played by an awesome broster. It was so awesome, by the way, to see so many men of faith step up and serve not only God, but the women too.
I got to participate in a small group and the discussion was led by the awesome broster who played guitar. As we closed in prayer, he asked for a volunteer but made it very clear that he wanted a man to step up and pray and lead the women. It was an epic sight to behold. There are so many times in my life I am disappointed by men who don't step up to pray or lead and leave it to the women... but that's a whole different subject...
Today I woke up at 5:40 am with my awesome bunk mate Laura. The day plugged on with more games in the morning and more worship and another message. More about the prodigal son. Well, actually it was about his brother this time. We talked about what burdens the other brother carried in his backpack. The brother placed his identity in pleasing others and his reputation. So when he realized his runaway, sleazy brother was getting a party for returning home, he was furious. He thought he deserved a party. Then small group discussion ensued and that was wonderful.
God really spoke to me about letting go of my burdens of guilt, self-criticism, and pleasing others. It is so easy to get caught up in what others think of you that it becomes an idol in your life. I love to perform, so obviously I love to please others. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't see any worth in myself, so seeing others laugh at my jokes or react to something I said or did, helps affirm that maybe there is worth in me after all. Since I don't see my worth in myself, I try to please others who see the worth in me, so that I might catch glimpses of what they see. (Pretty profound self analysis, right? It comes from years of practice. No one is better at analyzing myself than me.) I get so addicted to making people laugh that it sometimes becomes offensive, or just draws too much attention to myself. I am glorifying myself, when I could be using my words to glorify God.
Okay, then the afternoon games started. Oh boy. Let me tell you. Mud games. I got to play mud games. There was an obstacle course set up with giant tires sticking out of the ground, and four 2 feet deep water pits. This was all on a giant tarp... covered in mud. The object of the game was to run through the course, jump over the pits and run through the tires to the other side, grab as many items as you can (like basketballs, inner tubes, pool noodles, beach balls) and bring them back. With four other teams going at the same time. I got to play, and I was happier than... well... a pig in mud... pun intended.
I only slipped and fell once or four times, and got into an epic wrestling match with two leaders and a student over random objects for points for my team. I was absolutely COVERED in mud. It was all in my hair, caked on my arms, legs and back, stained in my new swim suit, and even caked in my eyelashes! Oh it was glorious! I had so much stinkin fun!
It was a wonderful distraction from my current burdens. Like, I won't get to see my dad on father's day for the first time ever, and the other same old burdens I've been dealing with.
Overall, God blessed me with just an epicly fun weekend. I grew closer to Him, learned more about my burdens, and got sooooo messy. Now comes the time I start analyzing everything that went on this weekend and second guess myself. It's the part where I forget how much fun I had and start to feel horrible about myself. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to focus on the blessing God has bestowed (what a big fancy word) on me. Here comes the part of my post where I give you a verse that I love! Guess what it is!!!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~My life verse!!!~
I left Friday evening right after work, and did not know what to expect at all. After a stressful drive there, I was a little nervous and anxious about what I was about to face. I got there and all of the students were playing these epic games that one would play, like on Survivor or whatever. They were hanging from ropes, problem solving, and it was all very intimidating but exciting at the same time.
I asked the man in charge, Jacob, (awesome bro of God... yeah... I said bro of God) what he needed help with. He pointed me to the kitchen, but they had everything taken care of... so I wandered til I found someone I sort of knew. I ran into a lovely lady, Laura, who attends the college bible study and helped her with the game she was running.
We totally bonded from the start. We have similar outgoing personalities, taste in music, and almost even the same faith story. We are both struggling with a break up... yeah... seriously. God is so good at piecing people's lives together for the purpose of fellowship and comforting. God is good, period.
So all day we hung out and chatted and then she introduced me to some awesome students who accepted me right off the bat. I had never felt so wanted or so loved. Then we had dinner, worshiped and Jacob presented the message. The message was about baggage. The theme was "What is in your backpack?" The passage from the bible was about the prodigal son in Luke 15:11. Jacob talked about the things we hold on to, like guilt, bad relationships, pain, and other things... wow. A shot straight to the heart, courtesy of God. (Shot to the heart! And your to blame, darlin. You give looove a bad name!)
It's so hard to see past my imperfections and guilt and see God's love for me in spite of all that. In my worst moment, God still loves me. Jacob said that Jesus didn't die on the cross so you to hang on to your burdens. I am free from them now. I don't have to let them weigh me down, all I have to do is trust God with them.
So then I hung out some more with a ton of amazing people, singing Relient K, Britney Spears, and various artists, all to an acoustic guitar played by an awesome broster. It was so awesome, by the way, to see so many men of faith step up and serve not only God, but the women too.
I got to participate in a small group and the discussion was led by the awesome broster who played guitar. As we closed in prayer, he asked for a volunteer but made it very clear that he wanted a man to step up and pray and lead the women. It was an epic sight to behold. There are so many times in my life I am disappointed by men who don't step up to pray or lead and leave it to the women... but that's a whole different subject...
Today I woke up at 5:40 am with my awesome bunk mate Laura. The day plugged on with more games in the morning and more worship and another message. More about the prodigal son. Well, actually it was about his brother this time. We talked about what burdens the other brother carried in his backpack. The brother placed his identity in pleasing others and his reputation. So when he realized his runaway, sleazy brother was getting a party for returning home, he was furious. He thought he deserved a party. Then small group discussion ensued and that was wonderful.
God really spoke to me about letting go of my burdens of guilt, self-criticism, and pleasing others. It is so easy to get caught up in what others think of you that it becomes an idol in your life. I love to perform, so obviously I love to please others. I love making people smile and laugh. I don't see any worth in myself, so seeing others laugh at my jokes or react to something I said or did, helps affirm that maybe there is worth in me after all. Since I don't see my worth in myself, I try to please others who see the worth in me, so that I might catch glimpses of what they see. (Pretty profound self analysis, right? It comes from years of practice. No one is better at analyzing myself than me.) I get so addicted to making people laugh that it sometimes becomes offensive, or just draws too much attention to myself. I am glorifying myself, when I could be using my words to glorify God.
Okay, then the afternoon games started. Oh boy. Let me tell you. Mud games. I got to play mud games. There was an obstacle course set up with giant tires sticking out of the ground, and four 2 feet deep water pits. This was all on a giant tarp... covered in mud. The object of the game was to run through the course, jump over the pits and run through the tires to the other side, grab as many items as you can (like basketballs, inner tubes, pool noodles, beach balls) and bring them back. With four other teams going at the same time. I got to play, and I was happier than... well... a pig in mud... pun intended.
I only slipped and fell once or four times, and got into an epic wrestling match with two leaders and a student over random objects for points for my team. I was absolutely COVERED in mud. It was all in my hair, caked on my arms, legs and back, stained in my new swim suit, and even caked in my eyelashes! Oh it was glorious! I had so much stinkin fun!
It was a wonderful distraction from my current burdens. Like, I won't get to see my dad on father's day for the first time ever, and the other same old burdens I've been dealing with.
Overall, God blessed me with just an epicly fun weekend. I grew closer to Him, learned more about my burdens, and got sooooo messy. Now comes the time I start analyzing everything that went on this weekend and second guess myself. It's the part where I forget how much fun I had and start to feel horrible about myself. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to focus on the blessing God has bestowed (what a big fancy word) on me. Here comes the part of my post where I give you a verse that I love! Guess what it is!!!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
~My life verse!!!~
Thursday, June 14, 2012
All my friends are getting married, and I'm just getting older.
I just wanted you to know that I'm single, 21 years old, and I live with my mom... in the basement... yeah. Go ahead and laugh. I know I have become a stereotype. I am well aware. Done laughing? Okay, moving on...
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
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