Okay I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty lonely. I miss my community of christian friends. It's so hard to be a follower of Christ on my own. It's so hard to be a light that shines for Jesus. All alone, I'm just a little light. This little light of mine... is about as bright as a dim cell phone screen in a dark room.
Temptation is everywhere. I'm in the trenches right now just trying not to be blown to bits. Every single day is a fight for my faith. A fight against my idols. A battle against my own selfishness and desire for instant gratification.
Right now, it's a losing battle. I was driving home today, praying and pouring my heart out to God. I prayed to find satisfaction in Him. I selfishly prayed for just a glimpse at His plan for my life so I can have some shard of hope to cling to. I prayed for peace over my life. I prayed for other people too, but mostly me. The point is, I prayed. I haven't done that in a while. Then a song I liked came on the radio and I was gone.
As I was driving... okay speeding... I sped up behind a car that was driving 10 miles under the speed limit. Initially, I got pretty angry. I hate slow drivers. But then something weird happened. A total God thing. A still small voice in my heart told me that this is a reflection of my life right now. I'm speeding through it, just trying to get to my next destination. I need to slow down and take in the journey. I need to appreciate where I am right this second and where I've been and not just focus on my goals and the destination.
I'm so ready to get out of Galesburg and go to college and grow up. I'm so ready to move on and begin my life. I need to appreciate being in Galesburg. I need to be grateful for the journey God is taking me on.
So, instead of furiously changing lanes and passing the old grandpa driving in front of me, I slowed down and enjoyed the ride. I looked at the beautiful trees passing by, and I worshiped God. It was wonderful. One of my better worship experiences.
So now, I must turn in. I have a music theory test in the morning and I need to get up early to study for it.... Yeah my weekend was too packed with work and rehearsal and hanging out with friends til 2am to do something so trivial as homework and studying. I'm an adult. Okay goodnight everyone!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pretty sneaky planning
Oh my word. I just endured a four hour rehearsal... 6-10. I was definitely frustrated and murmuring some not so nice words under my breath which I completely regret murmuring now... well... mostly regret. I prayed for patience with myself and others tonight, but holy moses... it was rough.
I'm so so glad I fooled myself into thinking I had to give a speech today so I wouldn't have to finish it tonight!!! ...Just kidding. I'm just a HUGE goobface who somehow forgot that my speech class is actually on Tuesday and Thursday... not Monday and Wednesday. Oh life. I also happened to show up to my piano lesson an hour early this morning because, to reiterate, I'm a HUGE goobface.
I forget things sometimes.... most times... I have nothing profound or interesting to say today. I'm just trying to keep my head above water with school and rehearsals and work and church. I got to see my lovely Laura friend today which is always encouraging.
It's so nice to have solid Christian friends to hold me accountable. It kind of stinks that they are all away at college. I'm kind of praying for a close Christian friend or friends who live around my neck of the woods.
As I listen to Thriller, I've decided I'm completely and totally ready for bed right now. I think I'm just going to listen to a Tim Keller podcast and read my bible and go to bed. Goodnight everyone. Pleasant dreams!
I'm so so glad I fooled myself into thinking I had to give a speech today so I wouldn't have to finish it tonight!!! ...Just kidding. I'm just a HUGE goobface who somehow forgot that my speech class is actually on Tuesday and Thursday... not Monday and Wednesday. Oh life. I also happened to show up to my piano lesson an hour early this morning because, to reiterate, I'm a HUGE goobface.
I forget things sometimes.... most times... I have nothing profound or interesting to say today. I'm just trying to keep my head above water with school and rehearsals and work and church. I got to see my lovely Laura friend today which is always encouraging.
It's so nice to have solid Christian friends to hold me accountable. It kind of stinks that they are all away at college. I'm kind of praying for a close Christian friend or friends who live around my neck of the woods.
As I listen to Thriller, I've decided I'm completely and totally ready for bed right now. I think I'm just going to listen to a Tim Keller podcast and read my bible and go to bed. Goodnight everyone. Pleasant dreams!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Blame it on the... poor life decisions.
So... I'm just gonna be straight up honest with y'all. It's been a crazy weekend. Someone offered me a rum and coke and I accepted mostly to be polite and I haaaated it. I only had one, but I'm a lightweight, so I got pretty tipsy. I wasn't too fond of alcohol in the first place, but now I'm positive I'll be avoiding it for quite some time.
I figured I should just up and confess since I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend to be. Especially in my own blog. So drinking is a no go for me. I learned my lesson. Don't drink people. Make good life choices. Blah blah blah. Hugs not drugs. Give a hoot, don't pollute. Drugs are bad and all that jazz mkay?
I've been super stressed lately because certain a certain mentor in my life has been extremely negative toward me, and basically told me what I want to do with my life (work in youth and worship ministry) is for people with no talent. They said I should be a singer, since that's where my talent is. I was pretty devastated. This mentor went on for an hour about this and about how I should drop a class since I'm so stressed, and I probably won't do well in it anyway. I left completely drained. I drove home and had a full on panic attack.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm completely and totally insecure, so when things like this happen, my whole world comes crashing down on me. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed for wisdom, and strength and cried more and prayed for deliverance and confidence in Christ. Then I cried myself to sleep. It was bad.
I slept for about a half an hour and then went to practice. My friends could tell I was in bad shape, so they comforted me and made me feel better. I've kind of cut off this person from my life now, but they keep popping up to talk to me about it which is super stressful.
Tonight, I'm just praying for a good night's rest. I need a full 8 hours tonight. I've not been sleeping well lately due to anxiety. I've been waking up frequently and I'm just so tired throughout the day. I just feel drained 24/7. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. Today I was driving home, crying and a still small voice rang in my ears saying "This too shall pass." Despite all this awful crap going on in my life, God is good. He's holding on to me, though I'm ready to let go. I love Him and praise Him in this storm. God is good; all the time.
I figured I should just up and confess since I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend to be. Especially in my own blog. So drinking is a no go for me. I learned my lesson. Don't drink people. Make good life choices. Blah blah blah. Hugs not drugs. Give a hoot, don't pollute. Drugs are bad and all that jazz mkay?
I've been super stressed lately because certain a certain mentor in my life has been extremely negative toward me, and basically told me what I want to do with my life (work in youth and worship ministry) is for people with no talent. They said I should be a singer, since that's where my talent is. I was pretty devastated. This mentor went on for an hour about this and about how I should drop a class since I'm so stressed, and I probably won't do well in it anyway. I left completely drained. I drove home and had a full on panic attack.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm completely and totally insecure, so when things like this happen, my whole world comes crashing down on me. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed for wisdom, and strength and cried more and prayed for deliverance and confidence in Christ. Then I cried myself to sleep. It was bad.
I slept for about a half an hour and then went to practice. My friends could tell I was in bad shape, so they comforted me and made me feel better. I've kind of cut off this person from my life now, but they keep popping up to talk to me about it which is super stressful.
Tonight, I'm just praying for a good night's rest. I need a full 8 hours tonight. I've not been sleeping well lately due to anxiety. I've been waking up frequently and I'm just so tired throughout the day. I just feel drained 24/7. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. Today I was driving home, crying and a still small voice rang in my ears saying "This too shall pass." Despite all this awful crap going on in my life, God is good. He's holding on to me, though I'm ready to let go. I love Him and praise Him in this storm. God is good; all the time.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Aftermath
I'm blogging today with a super huge (redundant) headache. I took a shoulder to the nose today during my favorite youth group game. I do not regret it for a second though. Go big or go home!!!! I had to leave youth group early today to get to rehearsal at 7:30. I still loved being there and leading the students in worship, and "rubbing shoulders" with some amazing junior high students.
So I bet you are all wondering how I'm doing since my last post. Well... I'm better. An amazing friend let me cry on her shoulder, and a couple awesome friends messaged me encouragement which definitely helped.
I only had to attend one class today, which was fantastic. So after music theory, I drove to church. I got to talk to Weston, memorize some lines, and what really picked me up today was reading my bible. I realized how long it had been since I read God's word. I immediately opened my duct taped, worn bible and read from Jeremiah, and Romans. I ate it up. I didn't realize how much I missed looking directly into the heart of God through His word. Man, I love God so much. I'm so thankful for the bible. God is so good.
My favorite passage is actually what I shared with my band before we practiced today.
Romans 13:8-10
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Don no commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Obedience blooms from love. It's hard to obey someone or serve or help out someone whom you don't love. I learned that the reason people see such a huge change in how I act now as opposed to a year or two ago, is because I love God. It's so simple, but it affects my entire life. Everything good I do is motivated out of love of God. Doing good is not something I consciously make an effort at, I love Christ now, and I obey and serve Him. That's all. It's all by God's grace, not from any of my own effort.
It's so hard for me to be respectful to my mom. Especially when I've had such a crazy day, and all I want to do is sit in my room and brood. It's easy to be short with her and disrespectful. No matter how hard I try to control myself, it just doesn't happen sometimes. But according to Romans, it's not about trying harder. It's about love. I need to love my mother like I love myself. (And I do believe that Paul meant that ironically.)
We need to love others as much we love ourselves. We all have some sort of narcissism in us. Especially me!!! We need to be loving others instead of being wrapped up in ourselves.
So yeah... that's my huge epiphany for the day. Now it's time to take like 400 tylenol, and get cracking on a speech that is due tomorrow. Yeah, I procrastinated. No, I do not regret it. It was totally worth it. I do my best work at the last minute. Not gonna lie. I'll even post my grade when I get it back to prove to you! Challenge accepted!
....Wow that was a dumb idea. I bet God is going to smite my grade for my arrogance. But I'll stick to my promise either way!
So I bet you are all wondering how I'm doing since my last post. Well... I'm better. An amazing friend let me cry on her shoulder, and a couple awesome friends messaged me encouragement which definitely helped.
I only had to attend one class today, which was fantastic. So after music theory, I drove to church. I got to talk to Weston, memorize some lines, and what really picked me up today was reading my bible. I realized how long it had been since I read God's word. I immediately opened my duct taped, worn bible and read from Jeremiah, and Romans. I ate it up. I didn't realize how much I missed looking directly into the heart of God through His word. Man, I love God so much. I'm so thankful for the bible. God is so good.
My favorite passage is actually what I shared with my band before we practiced today.
Romans 13:8-10
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Don no commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Obedience blooms from love. It's hard to obey someone or serve or help out someone whom you don't love. I learned that the reason people see such a huge change in how I act now as opposed to a year or two ago, is because I love God. It's so simple, but it affects my entire life. Everything good I do is motivated out of love of God. Doing good is not something I consciously make an effort at, I love Christ now, and I obey and serve Him. That's all. It's all by God's grace, not from any of my own effort.
It's so hard for me to be respectful to my mom. Especially when I've had such a crazy day, and all I want to do is sit in my room and brood. It's easy to be short with her and disrespectful. No matter how hard I try to control myself, it just doesn't happen sometimes. But according to Romans, it's not about trying harder. It's about love. I need to love my mother like I love myself. (And I do believe that Paul meant that ironically.)
We need to love others as much we love ourselves. We all have some sort of narcissism in us. Especially me!!! We need to be loving others instead of being wrapped up in ourselves.
So yeah... that's my huge epiphany for the day. Now it's time to take like 400 tylenol, and get cracking on a speech that is due tomorrow. Yeah, I procrastinated. No, I do not regret it. It was totally worth it. I do my best work at the last minute. Not gonna lie. I'll even post my grade when I get it back to prove to you! Challenge accepted!
....Wow that was a dumb idea. I bet God is going to smite my grade for my arrogance. But I'll stick to my promise either way!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Plbt life.
I ran out of two of my medications 2 days ago, and I can definitely tell. I'm nearing a panic attack right now. I just got home from a fun college visit, and I'm faced with so much to do. On top of that, I feel completely worthless. I feel like utter trash. I mean, I am a failure.
Right now, I just don't see anything in myself. Right now, I would trade everything I am to just be organized and intelligent. I would give all my personality to be normal and successful. I would trade all my talent for just a bit of inner beauty and selflessness. I do not like me right now.
I'm so tired of living in Galesburg. So tired of being stuck in the same old place, but I don't think I'm good enough to deserve anything but this. Life is just beating me down, but I feel like I deserve every blow.
PLEASE understand, I'm not sharing this for sympathy, or pity, or even encouragement. I don't need it, because it won't work anyway. I just need to vent. I know most of the things I say to be lies, but without my medicine, I'm just a big ball of insecurity and self loathing.
First thing tomorrow morning, prescriptions must be refilled, whether I have the money for them or not. I also definitely need to spend some time with Jesus. Reading the word, letting God speak some truth into my life is what I need right now.
I really just want to watch some mind numbing tv and sleep, but I think I'm going to listen to a podcast and pray instead... but then sleep.
I really hate being this way. I really do. I wish I were perfect. I wish I could tell you something encouraging right now like, these grey clouds have a silver lining. Or, it's always darkest before the dawn... or someday your prince will come. "I just wish I could bake a cake made out of sunshine and rainbows and we could all eat it and be happy." (mean girls)
I'm sorry, but today I have no encouraging words for you. I don't have any witty anecdotes or inspirational quotes or epiphanies. All I can say is that I am completely depressed and broken down, but I keep my eyes fixed on Christ. My help comes from the Lord.
I am not going to seek a solution to this problem. I am not going to seek a way to fix my depression or become happy. I'm not going to seek encouragement or help. I am just going to seek Jesus.
Right now, I just don't see anything in myself. Right now, I would trade everything I am to just be organized and intelligent. I would give all my personality to be normal and successful. I would trade all my talent for just a bit of inner beauty and selflessness. I do not like me right now.
I'm so tired of living in Galesburg. So tired of being stuck in the same old place, but I don't think I'm good enough to deserve anything but this. Life is just beating me down, but I feel like I deserve every blow.
PLEASE understand, I'm not sharing this for sympathy, or pity, or even encouragement. I don't need it, because it won't work anyway. I just need to vent. I know most of the things I say to be lies, but without my medicine, I'm just a big ball of insecurity and self loathing.
First thing tomorrow morning, prescriptions must be refilled, whether I have the money for them or not. I also definitely need to spend some time with Jesus. Reading the word, letting God speak some truth into my life is what I need right now.
I really just want to watch some mind numbing tv and sleep, but I think I'm going to listen to a podcast and pray instead... but then sleep.
I really hate being this way. I really do. I wish I were perfect. I wish I could tell you something encouraging right now like, these grey clouds have a silver lining. Or, it's always darkest before the dawn... or someday your prince will come. "I just wish I could bake a cake made out of sunshine and rainbows and we could all eat it and be happy." (mean girls)
I'm sorry, but today I have no encouraging words for you. I don't have any witty anecdotes or inspirational quotes or epiphanies. All I can say is that I am completely depressed and broken down, but I keep my eyes fixed on Christ. My help comes from the Lord.
I am not going to seek a solution to this problem. I am not going to seek a way to fix my depression or become happy. I'm not going to seek encouragement or help. I am just going to seek Jesus.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Chemistry
I'm so stressed. I have so much to do. Memorize lines for the musical, practice piano, practice for voice lessons, chemistry homework, music theory homework, an unwritten demonstration speech, mid-terms to study for, and no time.
I'm working on my chemistry homework right now and just beyond frustrated with myself. I've been taking lecture notes, reading the textbook chapters, taking separate notes from the textbook, and I STILL cannot understand most of the problems in my assignment. I just feel like the dumbest person in the world right now. I hate feeling dumb. I emailed the teacher to ask for extra help tomorrow, but I don't even know if that will help anymore.
Today was Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. Youth group was crazy. The projector wasn't working, two out of four speakers weren't working, and my guitarist was having sound issues as well... during one of our songs! He had to run to the sound booth to fix things. When he fixed everything (still during the song) he forgot he had turned his amp all the way up... and yeah... it was bad. I peed a little. I thought for sure my hearing would be gone forever.
Weston tried to cut things short to save us, but the students cheered for another song. We pulled out a song they could remember the words to, since the projector wasn't working, and they were pretty happy.
I've been so tense and freaked out and frustrated all night, that I almost didn't catch the fact that the students actually wanted to worship. I'm pretty encouraged by that, and I almost didn't see it. God is so good. He's working whether or not our projector and sound is working. You don't have to plug in worship. God doesn't require speakers, theologically deep songs with epic lyrics, or guitars. Just willing hearts, and a heart to worship our Almighty Creator. I love Wednesdays.
You know what? I feel a little better about this Chemistry issue. You wanna know why? Because I know that God has not designed me to do Chemistry. His will for my life is not to be a chemist. I know right now though, His will for me is to do everything for His glory... sigh... including chemistry. So God is definitely using this class to strengthen my self discipline and to conform my unwilling heart to His will. At least I know God has a purpose in mind for this class, and PRAISE THE LORD, His purpose for this is not to prepare me for a career in chemistry!!!!
I'm going to try not to beat myself up about this so much because, honestly, I'm doing my best. A year ago, I would have never even cracked open the textbook, let alone read it. I never would have made the effort to see the teacher for extra help with the assignment. I probably wouldn't have cared about passing the class. Okay, so it's time for bed now. I'm going to listen to some worship music and just thank God for Wednesdays, for His will for my life, and His amazing love for me. I love God. He loves me. The world goes round. Yay God.
I'm working on my chemistry homework right now and just beyond frustrated with myself. I've been taking lecture notes, reading the textbook chapters, taking separate notes from the textbook, and I STILL cannot understand most of the problems in my assignment. I just feel like the dumbest person in the world right now. I hate feeling dumb. I emailed the teacher to ask for extra help tomorrow, but I don't even know if that will help anymore.
Today was Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. Youth group was crazy. The projector wasn't working, two out of four speakers weren't working, and my guitarist was having sound issues as well... during one of our songs! He had to run to the sound booth to fix things. When he fixed everything (still during the song) he forgot he had turned his amp all the way up... and yeah... it was bad. I peed a little. I thought for sure my hearing would be gone forever.
Weston tried to cut things short to save us, but the students cheered for another song. We pulled out a song they could remember the words to, since the projector wasn't working, and they were pretty happy.
I've been so tense and freaked out and frustrated all night, that I almost didn't catch the fact that the students actually wanted to worship. I'm pretty encouraged by that, and I almost didn't see it. God is so good. He's working whether or not our projector and sound is working. You don't have to plug in worship. God doesn't require speakers, theologically deep songs with epic lyrics, or guitars. Just willing hearts, and a heart to worship our Almighty Creator. I love Wednesdays.
You know what? I feel a little better about this Chemistry issue. You wanna know why? Because I know that God has not designed me to do Chemistry. His will for my life is not to be a chemist. I know right now though, His will for me is to do everything for His glory... sigh... including chemistry. So God is definitely using this class to strengthen my self discipline and to conform my unwilling heart to His will. At least I know God has a purpose in mind for this class, and PRAISE THE LORD, His purpose for this is not to prepare me for a career in chemistry!!!!
I'm going to try not to beat myself up about this so much because, honestly, I'm doing my best. A year ago, I would have never even cracked open the textbook, let alone read it. I never would have made the effort to see the teacher for extra help with the assignment. I probably wouldn't have cared about passing the class. Okay, so it's time for bed now. I'm going to listen to some worship music and just thank God for Wednesdays, for His will for my life, and His amazing love for me. I love God. He loves me. The world goes round. Yay God.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Blue like Jazz
I just read chapter 4 of the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, on recommendation of my youth pastor. I'm completely hooked and completely convicted at the same time. After reading that chapter, the one thing that continues to flash across my cerebrum in bright orange, bold typed, times new roman letters, is PARTIALITY.
My convictions are as follows: I'm such a judgmental douche. I play favorites all the time. My biggest example is at work. It is so hard for me to love people at work, because customers are not very nice. Some of them just ask really stupid questions, and that is the bane of my existence, but that's another rant I will save for later.
The customers that are nice to me, have the privilege of being treated with kindness in return. The customers who act like idiots or cranky bums, are treated with the most basic sense of politeness, only to disguise my burning annoyance.
Christ doesn't play that game. Jesus don't play no games. If Jesus were working my job, he would treat everyone with love. Even those who don't deserve it. EVEN the Pharisees who are complete jerkfaces. EVEN his OWN DISCIPLES who never got his parables and asked STUPID QUESTIONS. (Wow that's a lot of capitals.)
I need to pour out this love and grace on everyone, just like Christ has poured out on my douchebaggy little self, because not only am I called to, but I actually want to be like Christ. I don't like who I am. Christ is way better, so I strive to be like Him.
Also, I LOVE this quote. "'The thing I loved about Nadine was that I never felt like she was selling anything. She would talk about God as if she knew Him, as if she had talked to Him on the phone that day. She was never ashamed, which is the thing with some Christians I had encountered. They felt like they had to sell God, as if He were soap or a vacuum cleaner, and it's like they really weren't listening to me; they didn't care, they just wanted me to buy their product."
This is the difference between knowing Christ and getting Christ. Before I got Christ, I lived by the standard set of rules and followed Jesus because it made me feel better about myself, without really knowing who I was following. Once I got to know Jesus and what He was about, I realized that nothing I could do would make me good. I'm an awful person, and Christ makes me good. I love Jesus because He loved me first, in all of my awful lying, selfishness, idolatry, hatred, and greed. People say I have grown and changed so much since then, but I don't even notice. If I have, it's because of Christ. Now I get Christ, and my life is His.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
So blessed
I'm exhausted, but I had to post before I went to bed. I love Wednesdays. Have I ever mentioned that before? I loooove Wednesdays. Today someone left a bouquet of flowers and a gas card in the church office for my mom and me.
I just feel so loved. I just realize Christ's love for me so much more from gestures like this. I am blessed. Today, I am thankful for all God's blessings. I'm also thankful for the trials He's carried me through to get me where I am today... You know what? I'm just thankful for everything. I love my God so much. God is so good.
Time for bed. Peace y'all.
I just feel so loved. I just realize Christ's love for me so much more from gestures like this. I am blessed. Today, I am thankful for all God's blessings. I'm also thankful for the trials He's carried me through to get me where I am today... You know what? I'm just thankful for everything. I love my God so much. God is so good.
Time for bed. Peace y'all.
Life be crazy.
I hate learning. I'm so hard on myself when I'm learning new things. I just realized that today. Whenever I learn an aria, or a new song in choir, or a dance number for the musical, I feel like I have to get it right within the first couple of tries or I'm just a huge idiot. That's why I hate learning.
For example, my Chemistry class is okay, but if there is something I don't understand in class, I beat myself up about it for not being smart enough to get it right the first time. I'm a crazy! And don't even get me started on music theory!
Anyway, that's just a little side note that I learned about myself today. So today I did my devotions at school in between classes. I picked a quiet spot in front of a window with a beautiful view and read 3 chapters in Jeremiah and one chapter in Romans.
Nothing seems to be sinking in like it used to. I had to read Romans 8, and there is soooo much good stuff in that chapter! I read through it once, and I just felt like I hadn't really READ it, you know? So I opened my bible back up and read through it again. Romans 8:28.... Agh! Such an amazing life verse!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
For example, my Chemistry class is okay, but if there is something I don't understand in class, I beat myself up about it for not being smart enough to get it right the first time. I'm a crazy! And don't even get me started on music theory!
Anyway, that's just a little side note that I learned about myself today. So today I did my devotions at school in between classes. I picked a quiet spot in front of a window with a beautiful view and read 3 chapters in Jeremiah and one chapter in Romans.
Nothing seems to be sinking in like it used to. I had to read Romans 8, and there is soooo much good stuff in that chapter! I read through it once, and I just felt like I hadn't really READ it, you know? So I opened my bible back up and read through it again. Romans 8:28.... Agh! Such an amazing life verse!
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Maybe I should try doing my devotions in the morning before anything else, or just at a time when my brain is not crazy overwhelmed between classes. I don't know... I'll let you know how that goes.
Today someone yelled down a hallway to me that they liked my outfit. They said I looked like Anne Frank.... yeah... I'm not sure what that means either, but I had a good laugh.... like a hold my sides and hold in my pee kind of a laugh.
Life is hectic.... amid the musical practices, voice lessons, chemistry classes, theory classes, piano lessons, and work, a relationship with God is hard to cultivate. I wish I could say I was as strong as ever, but I'm not.
One would think I learned my lesson after so many years of trying to live without my almighty Creator.
Life is just busy. Please pray that I do not lose sight of what is most important, my relationship with God and living out His will in my life. I pray that I will fall deeper in love with Him every day and lavish grace upon others like He has lavished upon me.
God is good. All the time. And so is a GIANT bag of sour patch kids... I'm totally chowing down right now. Oh so yummy! Okay, time for bed! (Poor life choice, eating sour candy then letting it sit in my tummy all night as I slumber... OH WELL!) Goodnight all!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Random junk
All lit up
What's the one thing that you love doing? The one activity or hobby you do that makes you feel better no matter what? The thing that makes you light up? Nothing makes me light up more than serving God in youth ministry. Wednesday is my favorite day of the week because youth group is on Wednesday. I get to chat with my favorite Bethel Baptist youth pastor and prepare for an epic night of dodgeball, leading and serving the students in worship, and ministering to junior high students in small group.
I come away from Impact (that's the name of the junior high youth group) so filled. God's opened up a special place in my heart for youth ministry. I don't know why, but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I wonder (I wa-wa-wa-wa-wooonderrrr) how God's going to fit this into His plan for my life, if at all?
In the end of the day, I pray that I will always have the blessing of youth ministry in my life. As I was driving home from Impact tonight, I just thanked God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him in doing something I love so so much.
The message today really hit home. It was on Psalm 63:1-4
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. 3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 4 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I come away from Impact (that's the name of the junior high youth group) so filled. God's opened up a special place in my heart for youth ministry. I don't know why, but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I wonder (I wa-wa-wa-wa-wooonderrrr) how God's going to fit this into His plan for my life, if at all?
In the end of the day, I pray that I will always have the blessing of youth ministry in my life. As I was driving home from Impact tonight, I just thanked God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him in doing something I love so so much.
The message today really hit home. It was on Psalm 63:1-4
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. 3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 4 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
...I want a relationship with God like that. I don't seek God enough. I try to live a good life, according to His will, but I forget that sometimes I just need to know Him more. Not just know about Him, but really know Him. I can do all I want, but that won't truly change me from the inside out. Knowing Christ, truly knowing Christ, and loving Him changes even the hardest of hearts. I want to know Christ, and the power of His resurrection.
This month, I'm going to be more diligent about my time alone with God. I won't be in the word because I should be or have to be, but because I want to know Christ more. I desire Him. I will consciously seek Him everyday. So much so, that when I am without Him, my body longs for Him. My soul thirsts for Christ. I want a love like that. I pray every day that I will fall more madly in love with God as I discover more about Him.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Pharisees are not Fair-ya-see
In the middle of my busy hectic crazy schedule today, I realized something. It isn't in my trials and tribulations that I abandon God, or even shift my focus from Him. It's actually when life is going pretty well... when life gets crazy, hectic.
I realized this while driving to school today. I realized how long it had been since my time alone with God hadn't felt rushed or felt like a transition between two more important activities. That realization hit me hard. I immediately stammered through an apologetic prayer going something like... "I'm an idiot, God. It's not that you aren't my number one priority. I guess I've just been distracted. I miss you. I'm sorry. Please accept my awkward apology. I'm such an idiot."
I allllmost made the mistake of asking for some trials to get me to focus on God again... Good thing I'm not THAT foolish. Wink wink, nudge nudge. God's giving me what I need right now, which is humility. Now that I've committed myself to Him through the awful times, He's showing me that I need Him just as much through the good times.
I will never be able to live life on my own, without God. I pray that my pride does not ever get in the way of my relationship with God or doing His will. It's funny how I've been getting so caught up and focused on doing God's will, that it's actually hindered me from doing His will. Does that make sense? I'm so caught up in the doing. I've become a pharisee. There I said it. I admit it.
I pray for wisdom through these hectic times of blessing. I'm starting to get things that I want, and I don't know how to handle it! I have a lead in the musical, a wonderful home, money to spare (and save), and life seems to be settling down.
I'm so thankful for everything God has given me, and I will never cease to praise Him. My continuing prayer right now is "Lord empty me, for I am full of myself. I'm a pharisee, caught up in works and wealth." Yeah, be amazed. That somewhat rhymed.
I was reading Jeremiah today and this verse totally caught my eye...
Jeremiah 17:5-8
This is what the Lord says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6.He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert in a salt land where no one lives.
7.But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
8.He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.
God is amazing. What a crazy relevant verse! I definitely needed it. So now I lay my pride aside to live by grace, so undeserved. ...My pride is actually now hanging in my closet next to an old poster of Orlando Bloom. Yeah I went through an Orlando Bloom phase. No shame.
I realized this while driving to school today. I realized how long it had been since my time alone with God hadn't felt rushed or felt like a transition between two more important activities. That realization hit me hard. I immediately stammered through an apologetic prayer going something like... "I'm an idiot, God. It's not that you aren't my number one priority. I guess I've just been distracted. I miss you. I'm sorry. Please accept my awkward apology. I'm such an idiot."
I allllmost made the mistake of asking for some trials to get me to focus on God again... Good thing I'm not THAT foolish. Wink wink, nudge nudge. God's giving me what I need right now, which is humility. Now that I've committed myself to Him through the awful times, He's showing me that I need Him just as much through the good times.
I will never be able to live life on my own, without God. I pray that my pride does not ever get in the way of my relationship with God or doing His will. It's funny how I've been getting so caught up and focused on doing God's will, that it's actually hindered me from doing His will. Does that make sense? I'm so caught up in the doing. I've become a pharisee. There I said it. I admit it.
I pray for wisdom through these hectic times of blessing. I'm starting to get things that I want, and I don't know how to handle it! I have a lead in the musical, a wonderful home, money to spare (and save), and life seems to be settling down.
I'm so thankful for everything God has given me, and I will never cease to praise Him. My continuing prayer right now is "Lord empty me, for I am full of myself. I'm a pharisee, caught up in works and wealth." Yeah, be amazed. That somewhat rhymed.
I was reading Jeremiah today and this verse totally caught my eye...
Jeremiah 17:5-8
This is what the Lord says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6.He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert in a salt land where no one lives.
7.But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
8.He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.
God is amazing. What a crazy relevant verse! I definitely needed it. So now I lay my pride aside to live by grace, so undeserved. ...My pride is actually now hanging in my closet next to an old poster of Orlando Bloom. Yeah I went through an Orlando Bloom phase. No shame.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Crap day.
What a rough day. I had a great week, but today just kind of crapped on that. I've had an awful day full of awful mishaps. I got home from work and just wanted to crawl right into bed. When I told my mom I had a terrible day and I was exhausted and going to bed, she said "Well I am exhausted too and I work early in the morning too, but I can't go to bed because I've got too much to do."
She emphasized just the right words at just the right times to hint that I was a wimp and she is working harder than me so I should just man up.
She's partially right, so instead of going to bed, I packed. I packed all my clothes, books, and some other miscellaneous things while I watched Zombieland, which definitely brightened my mood. Just when things started looking up, I tried to move a heavy box of books. I lifted and turned and ow. I twisted my hip. I managed to carry the box of books out of my room and then started sobbing and writhing in pain.
I'm so frustrated with myself. For being an awful daughter, for thinking I could push my hips to do things normal hips could do. I'm frustrated for having to move. I'm frustrated at my dad for making my mom and I do this all on our own. I don't want to be frustrated at my dad, because I love him so much and I know he is lonely living on his own, but I am.
I've tried so hard to be strong. Strong for myself, and especially strong for my mom. She's been breaking down, so I know that I have to be strong for her. It's hard though. Especially going through school and working and living my own life on top of that.
All I can do is cry out to God to be my strength. I don't have anymore. To everyone on the outside, life seems to be going well for me. I just got one of the leads in the school musical, I'm going to school for free, I'm studying music, I have a great job, and I am working in and a member of an amazing church family.
I seem to be happy most of the time, and most of the time I am pretty happy. But there are always these issues scratching and scraping away at my security from underneath the surface. It's not that I am depressed, or unhappy, or faking it. It's just that there is so much more going on underneath.
I am truly happy about moving. It's a fresh start in a different house with no memories attached to its' walls. I'm excited to have a new (freshly painted) room that isn't in a gross basement. It's just that I don't like the circumstances under which we are moving. I don't like doing this on my own. I don't like not having my daddy here to help me. I miss him so much.
Anyway that's enough whining out of me for one night. I'm sure you get the picture. I'm just overwhelmed and tired. I need to pray and go to bed, and maybe ice my hip and pray that I'll be able to walk around tomorrow morning so I can go to work. Goodnight everyone.
She emphasized just the right words at just the right times to hint that I was a wimp and she is working harder than me so I should just man up.
She's partially right, so instead of going to bed, I packed. I packed all my clothes, books, and some other miscellaneous things while I watched Zombieland, which definitely brightened my mood. Just when things started looking up, I tried to move a heavy box of books. I lifted and turned and ow. I twisted my hip. I managed to carry the box of books out of my room and then started sobbing and writhing in pain.
I'm so frustrated with myself. For being an awful daughter, for thinking I could push my hips to do things normal hips could do. I'm frustrated for having to move. I'm frustrated at my dad for making my mom and I do this all on our own. I don't want to be frustrated at my dad, because I love him so much and I know he is lonely living on his own, but I am.
I've tried so hard to be strong. Strong for myself, and especially strong for my mom. She's been breaking down, so I know that I have to be strong for her. It's hard though. Especially going through school and working and living my own life on top of that.
All I can do is cry out to God to be my strength. I don't have anymore. To everyone on the outside, life seems to be going well for me. I just got one of the leads in the school musical, I'm going to school for free, I'm studying music, I have a great job, and I am working in and a member of an amazing church family.
I seem to be happy most of the time, and most of the time I am pretty happy. But there are always these issues scratching and scraping away at my security from underneath the surface. It's not that I am depressed, or unhappy, or faking it. It's just that there is so much more going on underneath.
I am truly happy about moving. It's a fresh start in a different house with no memories attached to its' walls. I'm excited to have a new (freshly painted) room that isn't in a gross basement. It's just that I don't like the circumstances under which we are moving. I don't like doing this on my own. I don't like not having my daddy here to help me. I miss him so much.
Anyway that's enough whining out of me for one night. I'm sure you get the picture. I'm just overwhelmed and tired. I need to pray and go to bed, and maybe ice my hip and pray that I'll be able to walk around tomorrow morning so I can go to work. Goodnight everyone.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I am God's instrument
Wow, what an awesome day. I'm exhausted. So the Sunday morning service was amazing. God totally blessed us! Everything went smooth, and the band sounded great. The response from the congregation was awesome. God's really working and moving in Bethel. I'm just so thankful to be a part of it!
God gets all the glory for the awesome service this morning! He created me with a voice, a passion for music and youth ministry, He provided the resources and the talented students in the band, He was working in the hearts of the congregation today, and I am just a tool...wait... that didn't come out right... I mean, I am just His instrument.
I am God's instrument... I like that...
I'm thankful for a lot of things today. Every single talented musician in the youth band, my worship pastor, God's provision in making the service so impacting, my youth pastor, and especially God's gracious, amazing love for me.
I never thought in a million years I'd get the chance to be leading a worship band filled with talented, Christ loving students, or a chance to lead a Sunday morning service! Today has been soo encouraging, because people in church have been so encouraging. I love my church family. God has totally blessed me with a beyond epic church family, and I am forever grateful for everyone.
So after the service, my mom and I went to our new house to paint. She let me pick out a color for my room, and I chose a turquoise blue. It's amazing what a little paint can do to seriously change a room! My mom's friend helped us paint, and she was an amazing blessing to us both, because I painted like, once before... and that was set painting for a musical.
I'm so happy and giddy and encouraged and... dare I say... hopeful?? I haven't been hopeful in a while. What a strange, amazing feeling! Tomorrow brings music theory class, of which I have yet to do the homework, a voice lesson, and auditions for the fall musical. I have barely practiced my piece... Popular from the Broadway hit, Wicked. I should be worried, right? The funny thing is, I'm not in the slightest.
Aside from the fact that I used to sing it in front of the mirror 24/7, and pretend I was Galinda, I have not practiced it. I'm just so crazy hyped and ecstatic about everything else that went on today, that I don't care!
...So anyway... nothing really profound today... Just me bragging about God's amazing, awesome, super epic love for me. I love God so so much. You all need to know that. Okay enough blogging for tonight! Goodnight all, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
God gets all the glory for the awesome service this morning! He created me with a voice, a passion for music and youth ministry, He provided the resources and the talented students in the band, He was working in the hearts of the congregation today, and I am just a tool...wait... that didn't come out right... I mean, I am just His instrument.
I am God's instrument... I like that...
I'm thankful for a lot of things today. Every single talented musician in the youth band, my worship pastor, God's provision in making the service so impacting, my youth pastor, and especially God's gracious, amazing love for me.
I never thought in a million years I'd get the chance to be leading a worship band filled with talented, Christ loving students, or a chance to lead a Sunday morning service! Today has been soo encouraging, because people in church have been so encouraging. I love my church family. God has totally blessed me with a beyond epic church family, and I am forever grateful for everyone.
So after the service, my mom and I went to our new house to paint. She let me pick out a color for my room, and I chose a turquoise blue. It's amazing what a little paint can do to seriously change a room! My mom's friend helped us paint, and she was an amazing blessing to us both, because I painted like, once before... and that was set painting for a musical.
I'm so happy and giddy and encouraged and... dare I say... hopeful?? I haven't been hopeful in a while. What a strange, amazing feeling! Tomorrow brings music theory class, of which I have yet to do the homework, a voice lesson, and auditions for the fall musical. I have barely practiced my piece... Popular from the Broadway hit, Wicked. I should be worried, right? The funny thing is, I'm not in the slightest.
Aside from the fact that I used to sing it in front of the mirror 24/7, and pretend I was Galinda, I have not practiced it. I'm just so crazy hyped and ecstatic about everything else that went on today, that I don't care!
...So anyway... nothing really profound today... Just me bragging about God's amazing, awesome, super epic love for me. I love God so so much. You all need to know that. Okay enough blogging for tonight! Goodnight all, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Worship leader... me? ....AGAIN?!?!?
I lead worship in church tomorrow morning for youth Sunday. I'm extremely nervous, because I feel so unqualified to and inexperienced to do this. I need to plan a little bit more with my transitions, but I am exhausted. I'm going to go to bed and wake up early to finish.
At this point I'm reminding myself that God moves in spite of my weaknesses and even uses them for His glory. Many people called by God in the bible were unqualified as well and... well... they're in the bible!
God used a power outage at junior high camp to bless us with an amazing worship experience, and I believe He can use me... in all my hot messiness... to glorify Him tomorrow morning in leading (and serving) my church in worship.
God is Awesome, and I'm human. I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm scatterbrained, I'm forgetful, and God enables me and uses me in all of my shortcomings to do great things for Him. To God be the glory.
Psalm 118:14
The Lord is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
Zephaniah 3:14-15
Sing, Daughter Zion;
shout aloud, Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
Daughter Jerusalem!
The Lord has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
At this point I'm reminding myself that God moves in spite of my weaknesses and even uses them for His glory. Many people called by God in the bible were unqualified as well and... well... they're in the bible!
God used a power outage at junior high camp to bless us with an amazing worship experience, and I believe He can use me... in all my hot messiness... to glorify Him tomorrow morning in leading (and serving) my church in worship.
God is Awesome, and I'm human. I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm scatterbrained, I'm forgetful, and God enables me and uses me in all of my shortcomings to do great things for Him. To God be the glory.
Psalm 118:14
The Lord is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
Zephaniah 3:14-15
Sing, Daughter Zion;
shout aloud, Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
Daughter Jerusalem!
The Lord has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Enough baggage to vacation to Guam for a year.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I don't feel like a new creation. My past is stained with so many sins. My present is stained with so many regrets. I have so much baggage from all I've been through that I don't feel like I measure up anymore.
I know Christ has forgiven me, but I have a hard time letting go. I'm scared that who I am now won't be enough. What really sucks about baggage is that I feel inferior and inadequate just from knowing I have baggage.
I feel like I would be a burden to anyone who really wants to know me because knowing who I am means knowing all my baggage too. I don't want to carry my own baggage, let alone anyone else to have to carry it too.
The baggage from my past relationship makes me feel worthless and trashy, the baggage from my parents divorce scares me into thinking I may end up just like them.
Another breaking story in my life... moving is not all it's cracked up to be. My mother is breaking down big time, and it is breaking me down. I had to leave the house tonight and escape. I went to my youth pastor's house to get away and hear some truth spoken to me through this dark time. God is amazing about providing people for me. God is amazing period.
I'm not who I once was, I know that for sure, but I also know for sure that God's not finished with me yet. He is chiseling away at my soul and renewing me through these awful moments. I only pray I don't lose sight of where I'm going or how far I've come from where I've been. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I don't feel like a new creation. My past is stained with so many sins. My present is stained with so many regrets. I have so much baggage from all I've been through that I don't feel like I measure up anymore.
I know Christ has forgiven me, but I have a hard time letting go. I'm scared that who I am now won't be enough. What really sucks about baggage is that I feel inferior and inadequate just from knowing I have baggage.
I feel like I would be a burden to anyone who really wants to know me because knowing who I am means knowing all my baggage too. I don't want to carry my own baggage, let alone anyone else to have to carry it too.
The baggage from my past relationship makes me feel worthless and trashy, the baggage from my parents divorce scares me into thinking I may end up just like them.
Another breaking story in my life... moving is not all it's cracked up to be. My mother is breaking down big time, and it is breaking me down. I had to leave the house tonight and escape. I went to my youth pastor's house to get away and hear some truth spoken to me through this dark time. God is amazing about providing people for me. God is amazing period.
I'm not who I once was, I know that for sure, but I also know for sure that God's not finished with me yet. He is chiseling away at my soul and renewing me through these awful moments. I only pray I don't lose sight of where I'm going or how far I've come from where I've been. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Discarded
One of the saddest days I experienced during my parents split-up was when my mom brought out the napkins from their wedding, with their names and the date printed on them. The wedding napkins she had saved since they got married, and she put them in the kitchen to be used like regular napkins. I felt horrible every time I used one of those napkins. I kind of died inside every time I wiped my face with the thirty year old wedding napkin that represented so much more than it's intended purpose. So easily discarded just like their marriage.
Sometimes I still really hurt from all of this like it's a fresh wound. Sometimes it seems like a healed scar only stinging when I remember how it came to be. But I know it will always be something that makes me stronger and draws me closer to the Lover of my soul. It's a part of my faith story now. I'm a different person from it all. God is good through it all.
School starts tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I trust God. God is in control and glorifying and following Him is my purpose in life. I would not want it any other way. That's all I have for today.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.
Sometimes I still really hurt from all of this like it's a fresh wound. Sometimes it seems like a healed scar only stinging when I remember how it came to be. But I know it will always be something that makes me stronger and draws me closer to the Lover of my soul. It's a part of my faith story now. I'm a different person from it all. God is good through it all.
School starts tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I trust God. God is in control and glorifying and following Him is my purpose in life. I would not want it any other way. That's all I have for today.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Open the floodgates
I'm really overwhelmed right now. The emotional floodgates have burst open. Everything is about to happen at once and I'm afraid. I'm so scared. Scared I won't be able to handle it all. School starts on Monday, and we are starting to move into a new house. I'm in the process of packing everything and mentally preparing myself for the busy fall semester. 16 credit hours+a job+working at church+the musical+relocating my life+still coping with family stuff+watching all my friends leave for college=one hot mess Erin.
I've definitely become less dedicated to my time alone with God which has taken a toll on me. I'm reading through Jeremiah and it's become so tedious. I hate that devotions have become tedious. It bugs the crap out of me. I don't like it.
I haven't seen my dad in over a month. I miss him so much. He's going through all this crap and I can't be there for him and it kills me. It absolutely kills me. It's so hard to trust God right now in this state of transition and chaos. I'm seeking him so hard, but it seems fruitless.
Please pray for me as I go through this new trial, possibly feeling more alone and overwhelmed than ever before. I will draw near to God and rely on Him through it all, though it will take more focus and motivation than I have right now. Even in this lonely, broken down state, I know and proclaim God's goodness. God is good.
On a side note, I had an opportunity to discuss religion and Christianity with a coworker and it was cool to get to share my heart for Christ with someone else. We mostly talked about the church and our views on sin, but I pray that it opens up more opportunities to share more with them and others at work. God is good.
Psalm 69:29-32
2I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the Lord more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
I've definitely become less dedicated to my time alone with God which has taken a toll on me. I'm reading through Jeremiah and it's become so tedious. I hate that devotions have become tedious. It bugs the crap out of me. I don't like it.
I haven't seen my dad in over a month. I miss him so much. He's going through all this crap and I can't be there for him and it kills me. It absolutely kills me. It's so hard to trust God right now in this state of transition and chaos. I'm seeking him so hard, but it seems fruitless.
Please pray for me as I go through this new trial, possibly feeling more alone and overwhelmed than ever before. I will draw near to God and rely on Him through it all, though it will take more focus and motivation than I have right now. Even in this lonely, broken down state, I know and proclaim God's goodness. God is good.
On a side note, I had an opportunity to discuss religion and Christianity with a coworker and it was cool to get to share my heart for Christ with someone else. We mostly talked about the church and our views on sin, but I pray that it opens up more opportunities to share more with them and others at work. God is good.
Psalm 69:29-32
2I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the Lord more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Burdens
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Movement
Isaiah 42:25
So he poured out on them his burning anger,
the violence of war.
It enveloped them in flames, yet they did not understand;
it consumed them, but they did not take it to heart.
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