Desires of the heart...

Man, as I become more mobile, I become more restless to do different activities. I want to try out for a musical, its The Sound Of Music. I would love to be in a musical again. I don't know how much I could do in regards to dancing and things. It would be so fun to experience a great production like this. I don't think I am going to do it. I need to earn more money. My time for fun and doing things I'm passionate about is over. I need to grow up. I don't want to live here forever. I don't know what I am going to do. Today is mother's day. I got my mom a card, and my brother and I made a dumb movie for her. I am going to start cleaning the house when I get done with this. I am dying for a new life. It's worth dying for isn't it? I saw some photos of my friends from where I used to live and I have this deep longing to go see them. I miss them. They are visiting their homes for the summer before their next college semester. I am just loafing around wasting my life. I feel hopeless. I feel dead. I feel lifeless, weak, and done. Done with life. It's more like life is done with me. I want to go, I want to die, I want to live, I want to be, I want to thrive. I hate myself. I don't mean to insult God. Because I feel like, the way I am now was not the way He origonally made me. I screwed myself up. I failed. I am pathetic. I am useless. What is happening to me. I don't want to have another surgery. The first surgery was so terrifying and scarred me for life, more emotionally than physically. I don't want to go back. I want to move on. I am 19 years old for goodness sake. I need to be on my own. Living my own life. Please God why do I have to go through this? It is so hard. I am scared, and I am alone.