Monday, October 22, 2012

I'm a wet match in a dark cave

   Okay I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty lonely. I miss my community of christian friends. It's so hard to be a follower of Christ on my own. It's so hard to be a light that shines for Jesus. All alone, I'm just a little light. This little light of mine... is about as bright as a dim cell phone screen in a dark room.
   Temptation is everywhere. I'm in the trenches right now just trying not to be blown to bits. Every single day is a fight for my faith. A fight against my idols. A battle against my own selfishness and desire for instant gratification.
   Right now, it's a losing battle. I was driving home today, praying and pouring my heart out to God. I prayed to find satisfaction in Him. I selfishly prayed for just a glimpse at His plan for my life so I can have some shard of hope to cling to. I prayed for peace over my life. I prayed for other people too, but mostly me. The point is, I prayed. I haven't done that in a while. Then a song I liked came on the radio and I was gone.
   As I was driving... okay speeding... I sped up behind a car that was driving 10 miles under the speed limit. Initially, I got pretty angry. I hate slow drivers. But then something weird happened. A total God thing. A still small voice in my heart told me that this is a reflection of my life right now. I'm speeding through it, just trying to get to my next destination. I need to slow down and take in the journey. I need to appreciate where I am right this second and where I've been and not just focus on my goals and the destination.
   I'm so ready to get out of Galesburg and go to college and grow up. I'm so ready to move on and begin my life. I need to appreciate being in Galesburg. I need to be grateful for the journey God is taking me on.    
   So, instead of furiously changing lanes and passing the old grandpa driving in front of me, I slowed down and enjoyed the ride. I looked at the beautiful trees passing by, and I worshiped God. It was wonderful. One of my better worship experiences.
   So now, I must turn in. I have a music theory test in the morning and I need to get up early to study for it.... Yeah my weekend was too packed with work and rehearsal and hanging out with friends til 2am to do something so trivial as homework and studying. I'm an adult. Okay goodnight everyone!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Pretty sneaky planning

   Oh my word. I just endured a four hour rehearsal... 6-10. I was definitely frustrated and murmuring some not so nice words under my breath which I completely regret murmuring now... well... mostly regret. I prayed for patience with myself and others tonight, but holy moses... it was rough.
   I'm so so glad I fooled myself into thinking I had to give a speech today so I wouldn't have to finish it tonight!!! ...Just kidding. I'm just a HUGE goobface who somehow forgot that my speech class is actually on Tuesday and Thursday... not Monday and Wednesday. Oh life. I also happened to show up to my piano lesson an hour early this morning because, to reiterate, I'm a HUGE goobface.
   I forget things sometimes.... most times... I have nothing profound or interesting to say today. I'm just trying to keep my head above water with school and rehearsals and work and church. I got to see my lovely Laura friend today which is always encouraging.
   It's so nice to have solid Christian friends to hold me accountable. It kind of stinks that they are all away at college. I'm kind of praying for a close Christian friend or friends who live around my neck of the woods.
   As I listen to Thriller, I've decided I'm completely and totally ready for bed right now. I think I'm just going to listen to a Tim Keller podcast and read my bible and go to bed. Goodnight everyone. Pleasant dreams!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Blame it on the... poor life decisions.

   So... I'm just gonna be straight up honest with y'all. It's been a crazy weekend. Someone offered me a rum and coke and I accepted mostly to be polite and I haaaated it. I only had one, but I'm a lightweight, so I got pretty tipsy. I wasn't too fond of alcohol in the first place, but now I'm positive I'll be avoiding it for quite some time.
   I figured I should just up and confess since I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend to be. Especially in my own blog. So drinking is a no go for me. I learned my lesson. Don't drink people. Make good life choices. Blah blah blah. Hugs not drugs. Give a hoot, don't pollute. Drugs are bad and all that jazz mkay?
   I've been super stressed lately because certain a certain mentor in my life has been extremely negative toward me, and basically told me what I want to do with my life (work in youth and worship ministry) is for people with no talent. They said I should be a singer, since that's where my talent is. I was pretty devastated. This mentor went on for an hour about this and about how I should drop a class since I'm so stressed, and I probably won't do well in it anyway. I left completely drained. I drove home and had a full on panic attack.
   I don't know about you guys, but I'm completely and totally insecure, so when things like this happen, my whole world comes crashing down on me. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed for wisdom, and strength and cried more and prayed for deliverance and confidence in Christ. Then I cried myself to sleep. It was bad.
   I slept for about a half an hour and then went to practice. My friends could tell I was in bad shape, so they comforted me and made me feel better. I've kind of cut off this person from my life now, but they keep popping up to talk to me about it which is super stressful.
   Tonight, I'm just praying for a good night's rest. I need a full 8 hours tonight. I've not been sleeping well lately due to anxiety. I've been waking up frequently and I'm just so tired throughout the day. I just feel drained 24/7. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. Today I was driving home, crying and a still small voice rang in my ears saying "This too shall pass." Despite all this awful crap going on in my life, God is good. He's holding on to me, though I'm ready to let go. I love Him and praise Him in this storm. God is good; all the time.
 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Aftermath

   I'm blogging today with a super huge (redundant) headache. I took a shoulder to the nose today during my favorite youth group game. I do not regret it for a second though. Go big or go home!!!! I had to leave youth group early today to get to rehearsal at 7:30. I still loved being there and leading the students in worship, and "rubbing shoulders" with some amazing junior high students.
   So I bet you are all wondering how I'm doing since my last post. Well... I'm better. An amazing friend let me cry on her shoulder, and a couple awesome friends messaged me encouragement which definitely helped.
   I only had to attend one class today, which was fantastic. So after music theory, I drove to church. I got to talk to Weston, memorize some lines, and what really picked me up today was reading my bible. I realized how long it had been since I read God's word. I immediately opened my duct taped, worn bible and read from Jeremiah, and Romans. I ate it up. I didn't realize how much I missed looking directly into the heart of God through His word. Man, I love God so much. I'm so thankful for the bible. God is so good.
   My favorite passage is actually what I shared with my band before we practiced today.
   Romans 13:8-10
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Don no commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
   Obedience blooms from love. It's hard to obey someone or serve or help out someone whom you don't love. I learned that the reason people see such a huge change in how I act now as opposed to a year or two ago, is because I love God. It's so simple, but it affects my entire life. Everything good I do is motivated out of love of God. Doing good is not something I consciously make an effort at, I love Christ now, and I obey and serve Him. That's all. It's all by God's grace, not from any of my own effort.
   It's so hard for me to be respectful to my mom. Especially when I've had such a crazy day, and all I want to do is sit in my room and brood. It's easy to be short with her and disrespectful. No matter how hard I try to control myself, it just doesn't happen sometimes. But according to Romans, it's not about trying harder. It's about love. I need to love my mother like I love myself. (And I do believe that Paul meant that ironically.)    
   We need to love others as much we love ourselves. We all have some sort of narcissism in us. Especially me!!! We need to be loving others instead of being wrapped up in ourselves.
   So yeah... that's my huge epiphany for the day. Now it's time to take like 400 tylenol, and get cracking on a speech that is due tomorrow. Yeah, I procrastinated. No, I do not regret it. It was totally worth it. I do my best work at the last minute. Not gonna lie. I'll even post my grade when I get it back to prove to you! Challenge accepted!

 ....Wow that was a dumb idea. I bet God is going to smite my grade for my arrogance. But I'll stick to my promise either way!

 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Plbt life.

   I ran out of two of my medications 2 days ago, and I can definitely tell. I'm nearing a panic attack right now. I just got home from a fun college visit, and I'm faced with so much to do. On top of that, I feel completely worthless. I feel like utter trash. I mean, I am a failure.
   Right now, I just don't see anything in myself. Right now, I would trade everything I am to just be organized and intelligent. I would give all my personality to be normal and successful. I would trade all my talent for just a bit of inner beauty and selflessness. I do not like me right now.
   I'm so tired of living in Galesburg. So tired of being stuck in the same old place, but I don't think I'm good enough to deserve anything but this. Life is just beating me down, but I feel like I deserve every blow.
   PLEASE understand, I'm not sharing this for sympathy, or pity, or even encouragement. I don't need it, because it won't work anyway. I just need to vent. I know most of the things I say to be lies, but without my medicine, I'm just a big ball of insecurity and self loathing.
   First thing tomorrow morning, prescriptions must be refilled, whether I have the money for them or not. I also definitely need to spend some time with Jesus. Reading the word, letting God speak some truth into my life is what I need right now.
   I really just want to watch some mind numbing tv and sleep, but I think I'm going to listen to a podcast and pray instead... but then sleep.
   I really hate being this way. I really do. I wish I were perfect. I wish I could tell you something encouraging right now like, these grey clouds have a silver lining. Or, it's always darkest before the dawn... or someday your prince will come. "I just wish I could bake a cake made out of sunshine and rainbows and we could all eat it and be happy." (mean girls)
   I'm sorry, but today I have no encouraging words for you. I don't have any witty anecdotes or inspirational quotes or epiphanies. All I can say is that I am completely depressed and broken down, but I keep my eyes fixed on Christ. My help comes from the Lord.
   I am not going to seek a solution to this problem. I am not going to seek a way to fix my depression or become happy. I'm not going to seek encouragement or help. I am just going to seek Jesus.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Chemistry

   I'm so stressed. I have so much to do. Memorize lines for the musical, practice piano, practice for voice lessons, chemistry homework, music theory homework, an unwritten demonstration speech, mid-terms to study for, and no time.
   I'm working on my chemistry homework right now and just beyond frustrated with myself. I've been taking lecture notes, reading the textbook chapters, taking separate notes from the textbook, and I STILL cannot understand most of the problems in my assignment. I just feel like the dumbest person in the world right now. I hate feeling dumb. I emailed the teacher to ask for extra help tomorrow, but I don't even know if that will help anymore.
   Today was Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. Youth group was crazy. The projector wasn't working, two out of four speakers weren't working, and my guitarist was having sound issues as well... during one of our songs! He had to run to the sound booth to fix things. When he fixed everything (still during the song) he forgot he had turned his amp all the way up... and yeah... it was bad. I peed a little. I thought for sure my hearing would be gone forever.
   Weston tried to cut things short to save us, but the students cheered for another song. We pulled out a song they could remember the words to, since the projector wasn't working, and they were pretty happy.
   I've been so tense and freaked out and frustrated all night, that I almost didn't catch the fact that the students actually wanted to worship. I'm pretty encouraged by that, and I almost didn't see it. God is so good. He's working whether or not our projector and sound is working. You don't have to plug in worship. God doesn't require speakers, theologically deep songs with epic lyrics, or guitars. Just willing hearts, and a heart to worship our Almighty Creator. I love Wednesdays.
   You know what? I feel a little better about this Chemistry issue. You wanna know why? Because I know that God has not designed me to do Chemistry. His will for my life is not to be a chemist. I know right now though, His will for me is to do everything for His glory... sigh... including chemistry. So God is definitely using this class to strengthen my self discipline and to conform my unwilling heart to His will. At least I know God has a purpose in mind for this class, and PRAISE THE LORD, His purpose for this is not to prepare me for a career in chemistry!!!!
   I'm going to try not to beat myself up about this so much because, honestly, I'm doing my best. A year ago, I would have never even cracked open the textbook, let alone read it. I never would have made the effort to see the teacher for extra help with the assignment. I probably wouldn't have cared about passing the class. Okay, so it's time for bed now. I'm going to listen to some worship music and just thank God for Wednesdays, for His will for my life, and His amazing love for me. I love God. He loves me. The world goes round. Yay God.