Haunting, haunting, haunting...
Failure boos me
And death woos me
the more I fail
the more I die inside
the more I die inside,
the louder the ghosts cry
boo, boo, rubbish, filth, slime
The Queen of Refuse am I
I lie in a puddle of melted dreams and hope
The stars mock me at a distance
Laughing from afar
Bringing despair
Shining on my scars
No hope, no hope
Cackles the gaping pit above me
Only despair, only despair
Sneers the darkness around me
Why try, why try
Chant the dancing demons at my feet
Regret and remorse join the demon's dance
The dance of the dead creeps into my bones
The hungry darkness around me consumes my heart
No more no more
I, victim, cry
I can take no more of life
Take me demons, darkness, despair
for I deserve what I cannot bear
I deserve to suffer
in the flames of darkness
that wrap around my soul
choking my spirit
dancing and licking at my heart
Why climb?
Why rise?
Why try?
I
can
not
go
on.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Welcome to my life.
For I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. You were once dead in your sins, but have been made alive in Christ.
I don't feel alive. I feel quite dead right now. I feel quite dead most of the time nowadays. The height, length, and depth of my sin is overwhelming me. "Just focus on Christ and it will get better." Oh Gee. I didn't think of that. Thanks. Sometimes I cannot see Jesus through all the sin, stains, muck, and mire that covers my eyes. I need Jesus to wipe it away and give me sight again.
I truly believe Christ died for me and has wiped me clean of my sins and gave me His righteousness. It's just hard to remember that all the time when you feel so guilty and sinful. How do I get to the place of my security in Christ? I don't really know at this point. More medication? Counseling? Maybe. I just want Jesus to fix me. I just want to be fixed. It's really a thorn in my side preventing me from doing anything because I don't feel capable enough.
A song we sang in chapel today said "Take my intellect and use every power as you choose." I started crying at this lyric because I don't think I have any intellect. How in the world do I change that mindset? I've believed those lies for so long that I have substituted them for truth.
Anyway, good times. It's been rough. I mean, I haven't been struggling with this big time, because it's been the norm for me. It's just that sometimes I see these lies exposed in the light and I find a glimpse of hope and it scares me.
Like what if I'm really smart? What if I'm just lazy and complacent? To me, that is worse than being dumb. I would rather be dumb than be lazy. What if I am so much more capable than I think? That means I have more power than I think. What if God created me for righteousness and I am capable of it? That means that I have no excuse to pursue righteousness.
Jesus is righteousness, so pursuing righteousness means pursuing Jesus. I've been reading the bible and praying. I desperately want more of Jesus in my life. I need more truth. I need to see not the height, length, and depth of my sin, but the height, length, and depth of God's love.
Ugh. It's the same old story.
I need love. I need assurance. Blessed assurance. I need that. God please show me in big ways you love me, and I am forgiven. Please show me I am clean. Please show me I am loved beyond all reason. I need your love. I need you. Please be apparent in my life so I can see you instead of my failure that so easily paralyzes and entangles me. I want to serve. I'm so scared. Help. Sozo me.
I don't feel alive. I feel quite dead right now. I feel quite dead most of the time nowadays. The height, length, and depth of my sin is overwhelming me. "Just focus on Christ and it will get better." Oh Gee. I didn't think of that. Thanks. Sometimes I cannot see Jesus through all the sin, stains, muck, and mire that covers my eyes. I need Jesus to wipe it away and give me sight again.
I truly believe Christ died for me and has wiped me clean of my sins and gave me His righteousness. It's just hard to remember that all the time when you feel so guilty and sinful. How do I get to the place of my security in Christ? I don't really know at this point. More medication? Counseling? Maybe. I just want Jesus to fix me. I just want to be fixed. It's really a thorn in my side preventing me from doing anything because I don't feel capable enough.
A song we sang in chapel today said "Take my intellect and use every power as you choose." I started crying at this lyric because I don't think I have any intellect. How in the world do I change that mindset? I've believed those lies for so long that I have substituted them for truth.
Anyway, good times. It's been rough. I mean, I haven't been struggling with this big time, because it's been the norm for me. It's just that sometimes I see these lies exposed in the light and I find a glimpse of hope and it scares me.
Like what if I'm really smart? What if I'm just lazy and complacent? To me, that is worse than being dumb. I would rather be dumb than be lazy. What if I am so much more capable than I think? That means I have more power than I think. What if God created me for righteousness and I am capable of it? That means that I have no excuse to pursue righteousness.
Jesus is righteousness, so pursuing righteousness means pursuing Jesus. I've been reading the bible and praying. I desperately want more of Jesus in my life. I need more truth. I need to see not the height, length, and depth of my sin, but the height, length, and depth of God's love.
Ugh. It's the same old story.
I need love. I need assurance. Blessed assurance. I need that. God please show me in big ways you love me, and I am forgiven. Please show me I am clean. Please show me I am loved beyond all reason. I need your love. I need you. Please be apparent in my life so I can see you instead of my failure that so easily paralyzes and entangles me. I want to serve. I'm so scared. Help. Sozo me.
More poetry
Attention attention!
Demand comprehension!
This "deficit'
makes me say things inappropriate
Outside the box
like catching a fox
are my thoughts
cascade untaught
unfiltered
bewildered
are my listeners
both hitting and missing her
intended target
too far yet
right on the money
stick with music honey
don't let your emotion
gallop forth like the ocean
waves that so swiftly carry you away
to the sea beyond day
into night
where the wild things are
dangling in infinity
just sit and look pretty
while the wild things destroy your soul
eat a hole
keep up appearances
don't let them see your fear and says
the wild things "You'll never get better."
the woman you are is not close to the woman you want to be yet you're
stuck between a rock and a hard place
between giving up and pressing on chase
the dream and fail or never try at all
do I stumble and fall
or stand tall
in one spot
on this white pedestal
never moving
never failing
always fearing
always bailing
on risks and chances and opportunities
you freeze
unfreed
your need
to bleed
drowns the seed
no good deed
goes unpunished
the battle never won it's
ongoing
betrothing
being captive of no thing
snapped bow-string
no music
time's up you dumb hick
Demand comprehension!
This "deficit'
makes me say things inappropriate
Outside the box
like catching a fox
are my thoughts
cascade untaught
unfiltered
bewildered
are my listeners
both hitting and missing her
intended target
too far yet
right on the money
stick with music honey
don't let your emotion
gallop forth like the ocean
waves that so swiftly carry you away
to the sea beyond day
into night
where the wild things are
dangling in infinity
just sit and look pretty
while the wild things destroy your soul
eat a hole
keep up appearances
don't let them see your fear and says
the wild things "You'll never get better."
the woman you are is not close to the woman you want to be yet you're
stuck between a rock and a hard place
between giving up and pressing on chase
the dream and fail or never try at all
do I stumble and fall
or stand tall
in one spot
on this white pedestal
never moving
never failing
always fearing
always bailing
on risks and chances and opportunities
you freeze
unfreed
your need
to bleed
drowns the seed
no good deed
goes unpunished
the battle never won it's
ongoing
betrothing
being captive of no thing
snapped bow-string
no music
time's up you dumb hick
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