I never understood holiday depression until now. I had to spend two separate Christmases this year for the first time. I saw my dad last night, and stayed til 4 today, and now I'm back with my mom. I'd trade everything for my family to be together (and happy being together) for Christmas.
After Mike and I left my dad's I started crying quietly in the passenger seat. I just hate saying goodbye to my dad. He now has to spend the rest of his holiday alone and I hate it. I hurt for him. He works so hard and comes home to an empty apartment and it kills me. I feel awful. I just want to be there for him. I love my dad so much, and it's just not fair that I don't get to see him. I look up to my dad for Godly advice and support. I can tell him everything and he doesn't judge me.
I've been praying hard for him to find a friend and some sense of community to support him. I'm praying he finds everything he needs in God. I'm praying he isn't alone. I'm praying for his health and his bad knee to be as pain free as possible until he can get his knee surgery. I'm also praying that I will be available to help him when he does have his surgery.
Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I don't find much joy in any of it. I do however, for the first time, fully understand and appreciate Christ's sacrifice for us in coming to earth as a human. I am trying to remain in awe of that and focus on the reason we are celebrating Christmas.
It's just so hard right now because I feel all alone. I can't stop crying. I want to have fun with my family and experience happiness, but right now I just can't. I'm also trying to remember that so many people have it worse than me right now. I'm trying so hard to keep perspective and be thankful things are not worse. I really am trying. I'm trying to read God's word and let Him speak into my life, but I cannot even focus on reading.
I just want to go to bed. Please know that I'm not throwing a pity party for myself right now, I'm trying so hard to fight this. I'm trying to guard my heart. It's just a losing battle as of right now. Please pray for me. I'm just in a lot of pain over this right now. I just want to spend time with God and draw strength from His presence.
Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Glorified memories
I've been reading through old facebook messages from old friends lately in the hopes of feeling more secure about myself by just remembering that someone used to care for me. I just wanted to remember what it was like to be loved and understood by someone close.
As I read through the messages, I searched for that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get whenever I was around them. It just wasn't there. As I read on, I realized how much I had put this person on a pedestal. This person used to be my savior in so many situations. The once amazing friendship I thought had saved me from so much, was now nothing more than glorified memories.
I'm not saying that I regret these friendships, or that these people don't mean anything to me now. God placed these certain people in my life to encourage, support, help me learn more about myself and my weaknesses, and teach me that even these amazing people who were so good to me still distracted me from my relationship with Him. I guess what's good for me isn't always what's best for me.
I keep thinking I'm missing out on so much because I am single and have only a few close friends. I'm so insecure about who I am because I don't have that one special guy who loves me, loves God, and understands me better than anyone else.
I've been looking for security in others, but to no avail. I want to find my redemption in another person. All the while, I'm trying to seek God, and at the same time, seek contentment in these fleeting things. How totally ridiculous. I cannot serve two masters anymore.
I realize now, that all I want is Christ. Nothing else in this world even measures up. I can spend all my time doing what makes me feel good, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me happy. My joy comes from Jesus.
It's been really difficult seeking God through His word, because right now I'm reading through Ezekiel. It's a gloomy book of prophecy that is kind of a bummer. It's really hard to focus on applying gloomy prophecy to my own life. This morning I woke up, and all I wanted to do was read Ezekiel. I don't know why, and it definitely surprised me when I realized it. But I flipped open my laptop and read through Ezekiel. This one passage really stuck with me today...
Ezekiel 36:24-32
24” ‘For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God. 29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you. 30 I will increase the fruit of the trees and the crops of the field, so that you will no longer suffer disgrace among the nations because of famine. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways and wicked deeds, and you will loathe yourselves for your sins and detestable practices. 32 I want you to know that I am not doing this for your sake, declares the Sovereign Lord. Be ashamed and disgraced for your conduct, O house of Israel!
God revealed this passage to me, and revealed Himself through this passage as well. I am not where I want to be right now, and I'm completely ashamed of my idolatry. But I am also so glad for these humbling experiences in my past. I've made horrible choices, but knowing that God will not let me make horrible choices without learning and growing from them is comforting.
As I relax today and listen to the blizzard beat against this tiny house, I realize that my security lies in Christ alone. I now face my entire Christmas break, college applications, and time to spend with friends. Please pray that seek Christ through all of this. I need all the help I can get. God is good. All the time. It's so good to once again see how true this is.
"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song."
As I read through the messages, I searched for that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get whenever I was around them. It just wasn't there. As I read on, I realized how much I had put this person on a pedestal. This person used to be my savior in so many situations. The once amazing friendship I thought had saved me from so much, was now nothing more than glorified memories.
I'm not saying that I regret these friendships, or that these people don't mean anything to me now. God placed these certain people in my life to encourage, support, help me learn more about myself and my weaknesses, and teach me that even these amazing people who were so good to me still distracted me from my relationship with Him. I guess what's good for me isn't always what's best for me.
I keep thinking I'm missing out on so much because I am single and have only a few close friends. I'm so insecure about who I am because I don't have that one special guy who loves me, loves God, and understands me better than anyone else.
I've been looking for security in others, but to no avail. I want to find my redemption in another person. All the while, I'm trying to seek God, and at the same time, seek contentment in these fleeting things. How totally ridiculous. I cannot serve two masters anymore.
I realize now, that all I want is Christ. Nothing else in this world even measures up. I can spend all my time doing what makes me feel good, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me happy. My joy comes from Jesus.
It's been really difficult seeking God through His word, because right now I'm reading through Ezekiel. It's a gloomy book of prophecy that is kind of a bummer. It's really hard to focus on applying gloomy prophecy to my own life. This morning I woke up, and all I wanted to do was read Ezekiel. I don't know why, and it definitely surprised me when I realized it. But I flipped open my laptop and read through Ezekiel. This one passage really stuck with me today...
Ezekiel 36:24-32
24” ‘For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God. 29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you. 30 I will increase the fruit of the trees and the crops of the field, so that you will no longer suffer disgrace among the nations because of famine. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways and wicked deeds, and you will loathe yourselves for your sins and detestable practices. 32 I want you to know that I am not doing this for your sake, declares the Sovereign Lord. Be ashamed and disgraced for your conduct, O house of Israel!
God revealed this passage to me, and revealed Himself through this passage as well. I am not where I want to be right now, and I'm completely ashamed of my idolatry. But I am also so glad for these humbling experiences in my past. I've made horrible choices, but knowing that God will not let me make horrible choices without learning and growing from them is comforting.
As I relax today and listen to the blizzard beat against this tiny house, I realize that my security lies in Christ alone. I now face my entire Christmas break, college applications, and time to spend with friends. Please pray that seek Christ through all of this. I need all the help I can get. God is good. All the time. It's so good to once again see how true this is.
"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song."
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Singing a new song
This is a song I started composing in the shower today. (I'm tellin ya, my best work comes from the shower.) It was inspired by my frustration toward my selfishness, and my awe of God in spite all that. It's pretty simple. I'm not going to pretend it's theologically deep or that it will be a freakin masterpiece musically. This is just something that really came from my heart. It was inspired by how I'm living my life right now.
I'm not trying to be flashy with words or impress anyone with my skills. I know that the lyrics are simple, but I'm a simple person, so I don't really need any of that. Quite honestly, I am not at all confident in my writing abilities... or lack there of.
I'm mainly putting this out for the world to see as my testimony so that people can know I am not perfect nor pretending to be. Far from it. I acknowledge my weaknesses, and count them as opportunities for God to do wonders.
I have to admit though, after I got out of the shower, I was super stoked that the Holy Spirit laid this on my heart. I was also super stoked that I finally had a song that I wasn't completely ashamed of. It's not something I plan to try to get famous off of or even perform for people. This is mainly just my personal prayer to God from where I'm at right now.
It's my cry of frustration with myself and a reminder of who my God is in the midst of my frustration. I don't really care if you don't like it, because it's not for you anyway. So enjoy it, or don't.
As of right now, this is titled Work in Progress...
Verse 1
I've failed again.
I've been seduced by sin. I let my idols win.
So here I stand.
Shameful in your presence. Stained by my own selfishness.
I run away, try to clean my stain.
Forgetting You've already washed me.
When you died and rose again.
Pre-chorus
I do the things I want to do.
It's not the thing I ought to do, so help me Lord to follow You.
ChorusMy flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."
Verse 2
I cling to you.
Knowing all the while. I still cling to my idol.
I cannot see.
That serving you means I can no longer continue serving me.
So take my life. And let me see
My mess, my stain, and failure will be used for Your glory.
Pre-chorus
I do the things I want to do.
It's not the thing I ought to do, so help me Lord to follow You.
Chorus
My flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."
Bridge
Oh beautiful tragedy, comparing my humanity with God's divinity.
In my sin and pride, I sent Christ to the cross.
But God demonstrated His love, when He sent Christ to die for us.
Chorus
My flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."
...That's all I have so far. Like I said, it's my own song and it's a work in progress. This is where I'm at in my walk with God as of right now. I guess to sum it all up, I'm being stubborn. God is so awesome though. I don't know how He puts up with me sometimes, I can be such a selfish brat... but I'm so grateful He does. Praise God for never changing or failing!
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I'm not trying to be flashy with words or impress anyone with my skills. I know that the lyrics are simple, but I'm a simple person, so I don't really need any of that. Quite honestly, I am not at all confident in my writing abilities... or lack there of.
I'm mainly putting this out for the world to see as my testimony so that people can know I am not perfect nor pretending to be. Far from it. I acknowledge my weaknesses, and count them as opportunities for God to do wonders.
I have to admit though, after I got out of the shower, I was super stoked that the Holy Spirit laid this on my heart. I was also super stoked that I finally had a song that I wasn't completely ashamed of. It's not something I plan to try to get famous off of or even perform for people. This is mainly just my personal prayer to God from where I'm at right now.
It's my cry of frustration with myself and a reminder of who my God is in the midst of my frustration. I don't really care if you don't like it, because it's not for you anyway. So enjoy it, or don't.
As of right now, this is titled Work in Progress...
Verse 1
I've failed again.
I've been seduced by sin. I let my idols win.
So here I stand.
Shameful in your presence. Stained by my own selfishness.
I run away, try to clean my stain.
Forgetting You've already washed me.
When you died and rose again.
Pre-chorus
I do the things I want to do.
It's not the thing I ought to do, so help me Lord to follow You.
ChorusMy flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."
Verse 2
I cling to you.
Knowing all the while. I still cling to my idol.
I cannot see.
That serving you means I can no longer continue serving me.
So take my life. And let me see
My mess, my stain, and failure will be used for Your glory.
Pre-chorus
I do the things I want to do.
It's not the thing I ought to do, so help me Lord to follow You.
Chorus
My flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."
Bridge
Oh beautiful tragedy, comparing my humanity with God's divinity.
In my sin and pride, I sent Christ to the cross.
But God demonstrated His love, when He sent Christ to die for us.
Chorus
My flesh always fails, but my God is my strength. My portion forever.
My heart always falters, but my God will never. He's stronger than my failure.
My affection always wanders, but my God still loves me. He died to set me free.
My loyalty's divided, but my God is faithful. His grace conquers all.
I always make a mess of things, it never means the end of me,
because in my song I'll always sing, "but my God."
...That's all I have so far. Like I said, it's my own song and it's a work in progress. This is where I'm at in my walk with God as of right now. I guess to sum it all up, I'm being stubborn. God is so awesome though. I don't know how He puts up with me sometimes, I can be such a selfish brat... but I'm so grateful He does. Praise God for never changing or failing!
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's been quite a while since my last post. Finals are less than a week away. I can taste winter break on my tongue; it tastes like onions and ketchup. My finals consist of Chemistry, Music Theory, and Public Speaking.
Speaking of public speaking, I gave a speech only two days ago in that class. It was a persuasive speech. It was pretty persuasive in my opinion. The topic of said persuasive speech was "Prepare yourself for a zombie apocalypse."
Yeah that's right. I dressed up like a crazy hobo on the street and... you know what? Just watch for yourself. It's up on facebook. Doing speeches like that and performing just makes me feel like I belong on this earth. I'm good at it, and people enjoy it. It's just something that is not very useful in the adult world unless you get a job in acting or something. Which is very very unlikely. So that bums me out a little.
I've been very... what's the word... lackluster in my relationship with God. I mean, when I seek Him and spend time with Him, it's great. That time is few and far between though. I was so fired up over the summer. I encountered God like I never had before and He provided healing and blessing and it was wonderful... Now... well... life has gotten in the way.
I hate how fickle I am. How can I be so easily distracted and seduced away from an amazingGod by frivolous idols? And most of the time, I don't even notice I haven't spent time with God in a while. It's messed up. I want to burn with passion for my Creator again. I want to thirst after God. I want life to suck until I spend time with God. I don't want to be able to live without Him. It's not really living without Him anyway.
I'm ready to get out of Galesburg, but I'm kind of scared of what the next stage of life brings. I've become so comfortable here. Even in my loneliness and without a Christian community, I've been able to survive and become comfortable, because I've forgotten what it's like to be surrounded by people who love Jesus and build me up in my walk with Him.
I'm afraid when I get to college, when I move on, I'm not going to find my niche. I'm going to fail. I don't want that. I want to be able to serve God with all of my weird talents and quirks and abilities, but I'm not sure how.
I mentioned that every now and then I spend time with God, and it is amazing when I do. God has been so faithful to my lusting heart. He has provided and opened my eyes to His amazing grace every day. Over Christmas break, I plan to seek God more diligently. I want to know Christ. Really know Him and live my life worthy of His calling.
I also plan to apply for colleges. I'm so so terrified of this. It's a huge step for me. I'm sure though, that when it's all said and done and look back on this, I'll be happy where I'm at and laugh at my fear of growing up. I'm an adult. Time to watch some Spongebob while I study chemistry. Peace out.
Speaking of public speaking, I gave a speech only two days ago in that class. It was a persuasive speech. It was pretty persuasive in my opinion. The topic of said persuasive speech was "Prepare yourself for a zombie apocalypse."
Yeah that's right. I dressed up like a crazy hobo on the street and... you know what? Just watch for yourself. It's up on facebook. Doing speeches like that and performing just makes me feel like I belong on this earth. I'm good at it, and people enjoy it. It's just something that is not very useful in the adult world unless you get a job in acting or something. Which is very very unlikely. So that bums me out a little.
I've been very... what's the word... lackluster in my relationship with God. I mean, when I seek Him and spend time with Him, it's great. That time is few and far between though. I was so fired up over the summer. I encountered God like I never had before and He provided healing and blessing and it was wonderful... Now... well... life has gotten in the way.
I hate how fickle I am. How can I be so easily distracted and seduced away from an amazingGod by frivolous idols? And most of the time, I don't even notice I haven't spent time with God in a while. It's messed up. I want to burn with passion for my Creator again. I want to thirst after God. I want life to suck until I spend time with God. I don't want to be able to live without Him. It's not really living without Him anyway.
I'm ready to get out of Galesburg, but I'm kind of scared of what the next stage of life brings. I've become so comfortable here. Even in my loneliness and without a Christian community, I've been able to survive and become comfortable, because I've forgotten what it's like to be surrounded by people who love Jesus and build me up in my walk with Him.
I'm afraid when I get to college, when I move on, I'm not going to find my niche. I'm going to fail. I don't want that. I want to be able to serve God with all of my weird talents and quirks and abilities, but I'm not sure how.
I mentioned that every now and then I spend time with God, and it is amazing when I do. God has been so faithful to my lusting heart. He has provided and opened my eyes to His amazing grace every day. Over Christmas break, I plan to seek God more diligently. I want to know Christ. Really know Him and live my life worthy of His calling.
I also plan to apply for colleges. I'm so so terrified of this. It's a huge step for me. I'm sure though, that when it's all said and done and look back on this, I'll be happy where I'm at and laugh at my fear of growing up. I'm an adult. Time to watch some Spongebob while I study chemistry. Peace out.
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