Friday, August 31, 2012

Crap day.

   What a rough day. I had a great week, but today just kind of crapped on that. I've had an awful day full of awful mishaps. I got home from work and just wanted to crawl right into bed. When I told my mom I had a terrible day and I was exhausted and going to bed, she said "Well I am exhausted too and I work early in the morning too, but I can't go to bed because I've got too much to do."
   She emphasized just the right words at just the right times to hint that I was a wimp and she is working harder than me so I should just man up.
   She's partially right, so instead of going to bed, I packed. I packed all my clothes, books, and some other miscellaneous things while I watched Zombieland, which definitely brightened my mood. Just when things started looking up, I tried to move a heavy box of books. I lifted and turned and ow. I twisted my hip. I managed to carry the box of books out of my room and then started sobbing and writhing in pain.
   I'm so frustrated with myself. For being an awful daughter, for thinking I could push my hips to do things normal hips could do. I'm frustrated for having to move. I'm frustrated at my dad for making my mom and I do this all on our own. I don't want to be frustrated at my dad, because I love him so much and I know he is lonely living on his own, but I am.
   I've tried so hard to be strong. Strong for myself, and especially strong for my mom. She's been breaking down, so I know that I have to be strong for her. It's hard though. Especially going through school and working and living my own life on top of that.
   All I can do is cry out to God to be my strength. I don't have anymore. To everyone on the outside, life seems to be going well for me. I just got one of the leads in the school musical, I'm going to school for free, I'm studying music, I have a great job, and I am working in and a member of an amazing church family.
   I seem to be happy most of the time, and most of the time I am pretty happy. But there are always these issues scratching and scraping away at my security from underneath the surface. It's not that I am depressed, or unhappy, or faking it. It's just that there is so much more going on underneath.
   I am truly happy about moving. It's a fresh start in a different house with no memories attached to its' walls. I'm excited to have a new (freshly painted) room that isn't in a gross basement. It's just that I don't like the circumstances under which we are moving. I don't like doing this on my own. I don't like not having my daddy here to help me. I miss him so much.
   Anyway that's enough whining out of me for one night. I'm sure you get the picture. I'm just overwhelmed and tired. I need to pray and go to bed, and maybe ice my hip and pray that I'll be able to walk around tomorrow morning so I can go to work. Goodnight everyone.

  

Sunday, August 26, 2012

I am God's instrument

   Wow, what an awesome day. I'm exhausted. So the Sunday morning service was amazing. God totally blessed us! Everything went smooth, and the band sounded great. The response from the congregation was awesome. God's really working and moving in Bethel. I'm just so thankful to be a part of it!

   God gets all the glory for the awesome service this morning! He created me with a voice, a passion for music and youth ministry, He provided the resources and the talented students in the band, He was working in the hearts of the congregation today, and I am just a tool...wait... that didn't come out right... I mean, I am just His instrument.
 
   I am God's instrument... I like that...

   I'm thankful for a lot of things today. Every single talented musician in the youth band, my worship pastor, God's provision in making the service so impacting, my youth pastor, and especially God's gracious, amazing love for me.

   I never thought in a million years I'd get the chance to be leading a worship band filled with talented, Christ loving students, or a chance to lead a Sunday morning service! Today has been soo encouraging, because people in church have been so encouraging. I love my church family. God has totally blessed me with a beyond epic church family, and I am forever grateful for everyone.

   So after the service, my mom and I went to our new house to paint. She let me pick out a color for my room, and I chose a turquoise blue. It's amazing what a little paint can do to seriously change a room! My mom's friend helped us paint, and she was an amazing blessing to us both, because I painted like, once before... and that was set painting for a musical.

   I'm so happy and giddy and encouraged and... dare I say... hopeful?? I haven't been hopeful in a while. What a strange, amazing feeling! Tomorrow brings music theory class, of which I have yet to do the homework, a voice lesson, and auditions for the fall musical. I have barely practiced my piece... Popular from the Broadway hit, Wicked. I should be worried, right? The funny thing is, I'm not in the slightest.

   Aside from the fact that I used to sing it in front of the mirror 24/7, and pretend I was Galinda, I have not practiced it. I'm just so crazy hyped and ecstatic about everything else that went on today, that I don't care!

...So anyway... nothing really profound today... Just me bragging about God's amazing, awesome, super epic love for me. I love God so so much. You all need to know that. Okay enough blogging for tonight! Goodnight all, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Worship leader... me? ....AGAIN?!?!?

   I lead worship in church tomorrow morning for youth Sunday. I'm extremely nervous, because I feel so unqualified to and inexperienced to do this. I need to plan a little bit more with my transitions, but I am exhausted. I'm going to go to bed and wake up early to finish.
  
   At this point I'm reminding myself that God moves in spite of my weaknesses and even uses them for His glory. Many people called by God in the bible were unqualified as well and... well... they're in the bible!
  
   God used a power outage at junior high camp to bless us with an amazing worship experience, and I believe He can use me... in all my hot messiness... to glorify Him tomorrow morning in leading (and serving) my church in worship.

   God is Awesome, and I'm human. I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm scatterbrained, I'm forgetful, and God enables me and uses me in all of my shortcomings to do great things for Him. To God be the glory.

Psalm 118:14
The Lord is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.

Zephaniah 3:14-15
Sing, Daughter Zion;
shout aloud, Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
Daughter Jerusalem!
The Lord has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Enough baggage to vacation to Guam for a year.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

   I don't feel like a new creation. My past is stained with so many sins. My present is stained with so many regrets. I have so much baggage from all I've been through that I don't feel like I measure up anymore.
  
   I know Christ has forgiven me, but I have a hard time letting go. I'm scared that who I am now won't be enough. What really sucks about baggage is that I feel inferior and inadequate just from knowing I have baggage.
 
   I feel like I would be a burden to anyone who really wants to know me because knowing who I am means knowing all my baggage too. I don't want to carry my own baggage, let alone anyone else to have to carry it too.  
  
   The baggage from my past relationship makes me feel worthless and trashy, the baggage from my parents divorce scares me into thinking I may end up just like them.

   Another breaking story in my life... moving is not all it's cracked up to be. My mother is breaking down big time, and it is breaking me down. I had to leave the house tonight and escape. I went to my youth pastor's house to get away and hear some truth spoken to me through this dark time. God is amazing about providing people for me. God is amazing period.

   I'm not who I once was, I know that for sure, but I also know for sure that God's not finished with me yet. He is chiseling away at my soul and renewing me through these awful moments. I only pray I don't lose sight of where I'm going or how far I've come from where I've been. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Discarded

   One of the saddest days I experienced during my parents split-up was when my mom brought out the napkins from their wedding, with their names and the date printed on them. The wedding napkins she had saved since they got married, and she put them in the kitchen to be used like regular napkins. I felt horrible every time I used one of those napkins. I kind of died inside every time I wiped my face with the thirty year old wedding napkin that represented so much more than it's intended purpose. So easily discarded just like their marriage.
 
   Sometimes I still really hurt from all of this like it's a fresh wound. Sometimes it seems like a healed scar only stinging when I remember how it came to be. But I know it will always be something that makes me stronger and draws me closer to the Lover of my soul. It's a part of my faith story now. I'm a different person from it all. God is good through it all.
  
   School starts tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I trust God. God is in control and glorifying and following Him is my purpose in life. I would not want it any other way. That's all I have for today.

Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Open the floodgates

   I'm really overwhelmed right now. The emotional floodgates have burst open. Everything is about to happen at once and I'm afraid. I'm so scared. Scared I won't be able to handle it all. School starts on Monday, and we are starting to move into a new house. I'm in the process of packing everything and mentally preparing myself for the busy fall semester. 16 credit hours+a job+working at church+the musical+relocating my life+still coping with family stuff+watching all my friends leave for college=one hot mess Erin.
   I've definitely become less dedicated to my time alone with God which has taken a toll on me. I'm reading through Jeremiah and it's become so tedious. I hate that devotions have become tedious. It bugs the crap out of me. I don't like it.
   I haven't seen my dad in over a month. I miss him so much. He's going through all this crap and I can't be there for him and it kills me. It absolutely kills me. It's so hard to trust God right now in this state of transition and chaos. I'm seeking him so hard, but it seems fruitless. 
   Please pray for me as I go through this new trial, possibly feeling more alone and overwhelmed than ever before. I will draw near to God and rely on Him through it all, though it will take more focus and motivation than I have right now. Even in this lonely, broken down state, I know and proclaim God's goodness. God is good.
   On a side note, I had an opportunity to discuss religion and Christianity with a coworker and it was cool to get to share my heart for Christ with someone else. We mostly talked about the church and our views on sin, but I pray that it opens up more opportunities to share more with them and others at work. God is good.
  Psalm 69:29-32
2I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 This will please the Lord more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
  

Monday, August 6, 2012

Burdens

Psalm 73:21-26
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.