A feeble attempt at poetry.

   All these happy ever afters. Are you ever happy after? "If only" is your uphill battle cry. Crying and striving for just a little more to satisfy. Just go a little further, it will help affirm your worth. You're only worth something if someone tells you so.
   You give in and you're left broken and bare, completely torn apart inside. You're left writhing in pain, as empty as the promises of the world. Trying to cover up with the fig leaves of your pride. Grasping for fig leaves to cover your nakedness, cover it all before God approaches. He can't see you in this shameful state. He can't see you bare and wallowing in all your selfishness, idolatry, greed, lust, sin, and hate. 
   Damaged goods. That's all you'll ever be. Return to sender. You're too broken to mend. You're worthless now, just settle with what you have. To do what you want is to deny what you need, just lie there and bleed in your sin. Give in. Give up. You can't win. You're corrupt. Far past any change you could make. 
   You stand before God, clothed in the meager leaves you have sewn, staring up from the grave you have dug, you're alone and bare before your almighty Creator. With tears in your eyes, you stare into the only grace you have ever known. All you have to do is reach up and touch his cloak, believing in the healing power of God's only son. Accepting that the uphill battle you constantly fight, He's already won. Just believe, and the rest is history.

   I'm struggling so much with the limitations of my humanity and the guilt of my sin, and this is just the out-pour of my heart right now. I'm just trying to combat these feelings with God's promises. The grace of God trumps everything.
   The verse I keep repeating over and over again is Jonah 1:9, but I'm going to give a little more of the passage to put it into perspective. This is a prayer from Jonah to God when he is stuck in the belly of a huge fish that has just eaten him. (Such a crazy awesome story.) All things considered, at least I'm not being digested by a giant smelly fish right now.
Jonah 1:6-9
 "To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord."
   (The bold parts are my favorite parts.) The more I think about it, the more I feel like Jonah. God is telling me to go one way, and I'm just being a giant brat and going the other way. I should have gone to Ninevah. Now I'm just chilling here with partially digested whale food. The cool thing is, that God is teaching me and growing me into a stronger person while I'm down here swimming in stomach acid. I can throw up tons of prayers to God while I myself am waiting to be thrown up. He listens to my prayers and loves me just as much as if I would have chosen Ninevah in the first place. God is awesome, and I'm just fish food.

I am Jack's broken pelvis.

   I always have this overwhelming desire to connect with one person who gets me more than anyone else. The one person who appreciates my sarcasm and quick wit. Someone who laughs at my jokes, and doesn't think I'm weird. Someone who sees my love of God and working with crazy junior high students as the coolest thing about me. Someone who sees my love of dressing up for youth group theme nights, doing crazy makeup, my inability to pay attention, random outbursts of song, and love subtext in movies, love of musicals, Dr. Horrible, and Community, and all around quirkiness, as awesome qualities. Someone who looks past my selfishness, addiction to attention, insecurity, and emotional craziness and loves me anyway. A friend who is there for me at all times, doesn't put up with my crap, and prays for me as much as I would for them.
   The problem is, my need for that person drives me to just about anyone. It especially drives me to the wrong person who isn't firmly rooted in Christ. I start to compromise myself to be with them, and become a person that I cannot stand. It's definitely harmed me more than it's helped me.
So often I forget that I am a created being. I forget that my God knows exactly who I am because He made me that way. God loves me. All of me. Flaws and all, and I'm not going to find that love in anyone else. Nothing will ever compare.
   Now comes the hard part. I have to finish my semester without a friend to build me up in Christ, spend time with me, pour into me, and let me pour into them in fellowship as well. I don't have someone to grow with me in our relationship with Christ. All I have is God. And I'm positive that He planned it that way on purpose. God is pretty cool like that.
   I wish I could say that He is all I need right now, but I'm weak. I'm learning to stand in God alone, but it's a slow process. I've idolized the friendship of others, and now God is ripping them away from me. I am a deformed pelvis.... just let me explain...
   I was born with deformed hips. The socket of my pelvis was shallow, so the ball of my femur would dislocate from time to time, causing me an extreme amount of pain. I had to have surgery on my hips to fix the deformity.  The sawed off the ball of my femur and rotated it, and screwed it back on, and rearranged my pelvis so the ball and socket would fit together.
   I had to have doctors go inside me and basically tear everything apart so it could heal and function better than it did before. The pain of the surgery was pretty unbearable, but compared to the years and years of limping around with dislocated hips, the pain was completely worth it. Now my hips are healed and I've lost tons of weight and I'm functioning better than ever. The temporary pain of the surgery was worth the long term benefits. A few days ago, I was a pre-operation hip. (In case you didn't get that.) I've been warped and deformed by my own selfish desires and it's preventing me from truly growing and flourishing.
   I'm post-op now, and I can definitely say the pain sucks. Now it's time for me to heal again. I'm definitely reeling from being hurt, but relieved that God is healing me out of this brokenness. I would say I'm now in the phase where I'm on crutches, because the bone is starting to set correctly.
   I can only pray right now to remain in God until I leave for Colorado in August... oh you didn't know? Well I got accepted into Colorado Christian University, and I have just paid my tuition and housing deposit! I will be leaving August 12th to look for jobs before school starts on the 26th. I am extremely stoked!!! I just need to make it to August. I just need to make it to August. Lord Almighty give me strength.