Sunday, February 26, 2012

Time may change me...

Sunday Sunday Sunday! Church was wonderful today. The message was targeted toward non-married young adults. Hey that's me! Our pastor talked about the benefits of remaining single. He listed many examples of men and women who impacted the world for Christ who never would have done so if they were married. It was all rather interesting. Before the service, I foolishly thought I would gain nothing from the message, but once again God graciously proved me wrong. (Thank goodness!)
   As I walked to my car after the service, I overheard some girls my age intensely discussing how they wanted their marriages to work. One said, "I'd rather not be married at all, than marry someone who will end up divorcing me."
   I laughed inside at the intense passion flowing from that statement. It reminded me of my stubborn remarks I used to make in elementary school. I would loudly proclaim with a disgusted look on my face "I am NEVER getting married!" (I was never the kind of girl who planned my wedding when I was young. I played softball and climbed trees and competed with my brother. I burped at meals (I still do, sadly enough), collected Pokemon, and watched wrestling. I hated being a "girly girl".)
Wow, I really went off on a tangent there! ANYWAY, those girls in the parking lot may have completely missed the point of the message. The message was mostly directed at non-married young adults, but it was more about being content in whatever situation of life God has placed us in and being open to the fact that God wants to use us just as we are right now.
   He wants us to serve Him in every circumstance. Not just "when I'm older", "when I've finished college", "when I move out of my parents' house", or "when I get my life in order." Time may change me and make me a better person, but God wants to use me to impact the world RIGHT NOW!
   It's refreshing to know that God has a specific purpose in mind for this weird, sometimes depressing, chaotic transition in my life. What I'm going through now is not only helping me serve Him in the future, but it's helping me serve others where I am right now as well!
   I don't have to wait to change the world. (Or as John the D-Bag Mayer put it, "Keep on waiting for the world to change.") God can use me now. Even though I feel unqualified, unorganized, immature, irresponsible, ever-failing, distracted, naive, weak, and sometimes unwilling, God is using me for a purpose greater than I can fathom. God doesn't want me to be miserable while serving Him either! He will give me joy, and I trust God will strengthen me when I'm weak.
   God loves even a dork like me, (Ooh how profound! I used my blog title in my blog! That's sarcasm of course.) but God can also use an incapable dork like me to change the world!

Acts 2:25-28
I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, you will not let your holy one see decay. You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Ch-ch-changes!

   My room is clean. Let it be knownst to the world that my humble basement dwelling is officially tidy! What's the occasion you ask? My response is... Why does it have to be an occasion for me to clean my room?! ....Okay, okay yeah there is an occasion. Apparently my parents want to get the house ready to sell.
   BAM! (That was reality slapping me in the face.) Get the house ready to sell?! That means packing. That means cleaning. That means finding 3 year old pizza fossilizing under my bed. Ancient, dirty socks crawling toward me, gasping for air. Dust bunnies hopping out of the dust pan and turning sweeping into a dust bunny rodeo. Most of all, it means I need to start thinking about where I'm going to live...
   My bitterness, anger, and pride tell me I'm never living with my parents again. My empty bank account, unemployment, and lack of nearby relatives tell me to swallow my pride and choose a parent to live with. That's like asking me which arm I want cut off. Dramatic? Yes. But when I love and dislike both parents equally, it's exactly what I feel like is happening to me.
   Once again, I'm relying on God to carry me through this and strengthen me according to His will. He's got a plan for me, and He's delivered me enough from all sorts of trials that I trust him completely. I'm still sad about moving... again, but wherever I go, God will be with me.
   I finished my 30 days through the new testament journey a while back! I can't believe I did it quite honestly. There were points where I was behind and I was frustrated with myself to the point of giving up. God totally gave me self control to finish. (Now I have the rest of the year to read the old testament to fulfill my new year's resolution to finish the whole bible in a year!) Maybe I should amend that resolution to finish earlier...
   Tomorrow starts lent. A great opportunity to sacrifice in some small way to serve God and focus on my relationship with Him. I'm rather excited to delve into the word, meditate on it and pray more diligently. I've realized that I've been living my Christian life from Sunday to Sunday. So what better time to pursue Christ more intensely than during lent right? As I settle down for bed, chugging generic mountain dew, I'm preparing my heart for this small sacrifice and my head for a flood of caffeine headaches.
 
 Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Monday, February 13, 2012

God is the potter, I am the dork.

   I know God loves me. He revealed to me through scripture today some wisdom, conviction and encouragement. What does that have to do with the previous statement you ask? Absolutely nothing.... no just kidding. Time for a huge revelation! Are you ready? Are you sure? Are you sick of these rhetorical questions? Yes? Okay, on we go then! I know God loves me because He doesn't want me to live my life in the awful state I'm in: in selfishness, envy, bitterness, guilt, hurt, and sin. Even though I deserve to remain this awful, sinful being, God grows and matures me anyway. He loves me enough to mold me into a beautiful, strong woman of God.
   (Lord, I am your willing clay. I trust Your potter's hands to shape my heart and soul. Shape me into all you've destined me to be. Your will be done.)
   God is the potter, and I am the clay. Some times in my life though, I am stubborn, resistant to change, and a brat about maturing. I am more resembling a giant hunk of...  well.... for the sake of propriety let's just say... a block of ice. It may take longer to mature and grow due to my unwilling attitude. The cool thing about God is that He always finds a way to soften us with his love and grace and shape us despite our hardened hearts.
   Here is the verse I read today that slapped my unwilling soul back into reality:

James 3:14-18
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

   I've been living so long in denial about my messed up attitude. I've been "denying the truth" that I am not okay and need the Holy Spirit to work on me, and give me wisdom.
   I live pretty impulsively. It has a lot to do with ADHD, but I won't discredit the fact that it can be helped. I've also been denying the truth that I haven't messed myself and my life up too much for God to be able to fix. God is all-powerful. Don't believe me? Check out Isaiah 40:28-31. Go ahead! I'll wait while you look it up.
   Got it? Good, so yeah God doesn't grow weak or weary. No problem is too big for Him to handle. Nothing can wear God out! Even an energetic little spit-fire dork like me! Even a room full of middle school girls meeting Justin Bieber for the first time! Even... okay I guess you get it huh?
   So as you go throughout your day, ask God to reveal some truths that you've been denying for so long. Ask Him for strength to trust Him to carry you through whatever trial you are facing. Ask Him for wisdom so you may "reap a harvest of righteousness." (I always laughed when I heard the word "reap." It's just a fun word to say... try it a couple times, then say it in a high pitched voice if you need a good laugh. But I digress.) God knows what you need, and He will provide it for you.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

May the force be with you

   I'm honestly at a loss of what else to say today. Life is still busy. I'm in a musical and practices have taken up more time in my schedule than I anticipated. I'm praying for wisdom to divide my time wisely and keep calm amidst the raging, chaotic torrential downpour that is my life.
   I'm almost done with my 30 days through the New Testament! I'm so excited to actually follow through with a goal. It's not very often that I set a goal, let alone achieve it. It's all by God's grace that I've come so far honestly. I could never do that on my own.
  Totally unrelated, I saw Star Wars Episode I in 3- D today. It's been awhile since I've seen it, and I almost forgot how geeked I get in the presence of Darth Maul. The rest of the movie is okay, but Darth Maul just fascinated me just as much now as he did then.
 Sunday is coming to a close. I have to say that I loved the church service this morning! The pastors are preaching a series called Extreme Family Makeover. It's funny how God works stuff together like that. His timing is impeccable. Every message in that series has spoken to me and helped me heal a little more. God is taking care of my broken heart, and I am just in awe of Him.
  God is good when I am not. He is faithful when I fail him. God loves me when I turn from him. He is my life. Why would I follow anyone or anything else?! No matter what, I'm following him. The lyrics from this song pretty much sums it up for today.

 10,000 Reasons -Matt Redman
  
"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

    God has been fanning the flames in my life and now I'm going to let them burn. He has set fire to my passion and purpose in life. I cling to the promise in 2 Timothy 1:6-9, and hope to live up to it for the sake of Christ. Who I am on my own will never fulfill God's purpose in my life. His spirit in me sustains me and makes me so much more than who I could ever hope to be on my own.

 2 Timothy 1:6-9
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Eye of the tiger

   I'm fighting so hard for my life right now. (Cue Rocky Theme Music)  I realize that there is so much spiritual warfare going on in my life and my parents' lives as well. For some reason, Satan really wants me depressed and distracted from God and his plan for my life. Punch after punch of parental issues bombards me and stuns my ability to react and guard myself against them.
   I'm groaning to God for strength to guard my heart and defend myself from Satan's attacks. I'm praying for awareness and wisdom to realize when I am attacking myself as well.
   I thought that my surgeries were the hardest trial I would ever face, and I was dead wrong. I'm in a raw emotional place once again, but the weird thing is that I have joy. I have joy in Christ because he is on my side. He loves me no matter what. He's never leaving or forsaking me, no matter how much of a doofus I may be. More than ever, God has sustained me and brought me peace.
   I have hope amidst this seemingly unending emotional knock-outs, God is molding me and shaping me into a strong woman to accomplish His will. I don't know what it is yet, but I know that what I'm going through now is preparing me for it.
   I don't want to lose myself amidst all this chaos. I don't want to forget who I am. I'm trusting God from now on even though I feel like I'm sinking in despair. Even in the pit of my despair (yeah I thought of the Princess Bride when I typed that and totally did not intend it), God is next to me, carrying me, loving me though I may choose to ignore it. He is still in control.
    It's time to stop drowning and start kicking my legs and swimming to the surface. Instead of focusing on how awful this situation is, I'm going to start focusing on loving God, loving others, and loving myself. I'm going to live my life with purpose... God's purpose. (And know that even if I don't come out of this fight victorious, I know that Christ already came out victorious on my behalf.)

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Welcome to my life

   I'm not really in the mood to blog today, but it's been awhile since I've posted so here goes nothing. My parents continue to become more hostile toward each other. It's hard to avoid hearing them even when I'm hiding in the basement now. I've just learned to leave whenever it happens.
   The hurt inside has started to grow numb and doesn't affect my life as much but hurts nonetheless. I'm leaning on God now more than ever, if you need some silver lining from this grim post. My friend and boyfriend have loved and supported me through the entire experience.
   Divorce sucks. The whole family has become involved in our business and have taken sides. I've decided to remain neutral but apparently my family counts that as disloyalty. One relative has told me their opinion about my parents and it disturbs me that they even knows what's going on let alone have to tell me their opinion on the matter that has nothing to do with them. It's obviously not helping the situation so why say anything at all?
   The need for justification can drive people to do crazy things. When a person needs to feel justified in his or her actions, they seek affirmation from others. When one stops feeling the need to be justified, they can start to heal. I can try to convince myself that how I live my life is okay, but if I don't believe it, I'm never going to move on to make it better.
   I wish some people would figure that out. I'm so sick of being conspired against. I'm sick of my parents making each other look bad and feel bad so they can feel better about how they react toward the situation. I'm sick of how they and other people do the same thing to me.
   I've been justified through faith so that's all the justification I need. God's got a specific purpose in mind for my sufferings. I may never know why but I'll give him the glory anyway. This hope that I have won't put me to shame, so I will continue to hope in God even when the world calls me foolish.
   Well that's enough venting for one night. I'm in much need of some sleep. Goodnight world.

Romans 5:1-4
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Worship leader... me?


   Oh dear today was a busy day! The life of a music major can be quite action packed. Let me give you some insight into my routine for today...
    Piano class at 9am, Ear training at 10am, Music Theory at 11am, Comp 2 at 1pm, Choir from 2:30-3:45, voice lessons from 3:45-5:15. Then I rushed over to church for worship team practice at 6:30 to about 8:40. (I am leading worship for the 11am contemporary service this Sunday morning. [*Girly squeal!]) (Yeah I used brackets inside parenthesis, and yes it was thoroughly awkward but I'm leaving them. So there!) Needless to say, after about 2 hours of homework and some bible reading, I am exhausted! Today has been so awesome though!
   I led the practice for worship band tonight which was horrifying until we got started. I was afraid that my short attention span lack of organization skills, would make me a bad leader. A good friend helped me through and God blessed me with some focus! I'm super uber excited about the service this Sunday!
   God has been so good to me this past week. I have been anything but obedient or willing to please Him. I've just been a bit depressed and unmotivated to do anything, and complacent with where I was. I broke down emotionally in the car on my way to walgreens, and just prayed straight from the heart and cried.
   I don't want to lead this Sunday's service with a selfish attitude or any motives to give myself any glory or praise. I have issues with wanting to please others. I crave the applause of anyone and everyone. I've just been intensely praying that I would do all this for the glory of God. His applause is the only applause that ever matters.
   I want to bring glory to God because He deserves it sooo much more than I! Without God, I would just be a "funny girl." I would be so shallow. God gives me depth of character. Everything that is good about me, is because of God. All my goodness comes from God!
      I also have issues with insecurity. I'm extremely nervous about the service. (That soooo rhymed and made me unnecessarily excited!) I want to do well, but I'm afraid that who I am is not good enough to lead a whole congregation of church goers in worship. I'm scared! I'll admit it! When I look in the mirror, I see a 21 year old punk who is not very smart, pretty naive, and unable to handle such a huge responsibility. I'm praying for the wisdom to see myself as not just an incapable sinner, but a sinner saved by grace who can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
   I asked forgiveness of my sins that I had forgotten to repent, or had been to arrogant to acknowledge as sins. I prayed for healing from all the situations that I have let damage my heart. For some help guarding my heart from any more attacks waged by anyone else, and especially myself. God never fails. I'm so thankful for His forgiveness! I continue to hold tight to His promises and live His will for my life. I pray you do too dear reader.

Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them? For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.