Seven days have gone by without a post?! Oh I do apologize! I've been in a funk lately. Too lethargic to blog or do much of anything. This past weekend has just been filled with activities! Let me fill you in, dear reader:
I left for a weekend winter retreat for junior high students on Friday. This retreat was at Faith Bible Camp and had a few other churches there as well. I ended up being a counselor in a cabin of eight 7th and 8th grade girls with two other high school junior counselors. Are you starting to connect the dots? That means that I was in charge of a whole cabin! When I first found out, I was rather intimidated. In fact, I was downright panicking. I was certain I could not handle it. (I can barely take care of myself, let alone 8 other girls.)
After my initial panic attack, the room stopped spinning and my head cleared. I realized that God was providing me an opportunity to grow. I have spent so much time fretting, crying, beating myself up, just trying to survive in my own house, and this retreat was the perfect chance to heal by administering to others. It is better to give than to receive, and it is better to serve than be served.
I led cabin devotions (prepared the about 10 minutes beforehand),
woke the girls up at 7am, and even woke myself up at 6am! I bonded with with some 7th grade guys over favorite superheroes, debated with them over the status of heroes like Batman, Ironman, and the Green Lantern in light of the fact that they don't have any superpowers. In my opinion, of course they are superheroes! (Aquaman has superpowers but is far less useful than anyone without powers.) I watched students grow in their faith, and worship God without hesitation. I have to say
the most amazing night though, was definitely Saturday night during
cabin devotions. I asked the girls some questions about the message
which had to do with choosing to follow the world or following God.
I asked them point blank, "If it's so easy to follow the world, why do
we follow God?" I expected a lot of silence and some Sunday school
answers but the girl's answers astounded me. Some talked about being
angry at God when a friend died, but they realized God may have a bigger
plan in store for them and others through their friend's death. Some mentioned being a
Christian all their life and never "getting it" until they went to camp
during the summer. They finally made their faith their own and not their
parents. Some mentioned that they know God loves them so much and
forgives them whenever they ask. They never experience that kind of love
anywhere else. All of them said that nothing else makes sense. Their lives following God is more fulfilling than doing whatever they want. I hated to cut the discussion short, but being the responsible adult counselor, I knew that 12:30 am is a little late to be awake.
As I flicked the lights off and uttered some scattered "shh's" while I slid back into my bed, I teared up. My joy was just overflowing. For the first time, I knew that what I had
mentioned in small our small group discussions at youth group had not
been ignored. I felt useful. These girls were actually listening to me
and apparently what I was saying was having an impact on them.
I give
all the glory to God of course, but I mention this because I have been
feeling so useless. I have been thinking that my purpose in life is just to
entertain people. I hated who I was because I didn't think I was smart
or articulate enough to get through to these girls about God's love for them, that all I did well was make people laugh. God revealed to me that even if I really was stupid and inarticulate, He could still use me to impact the world. After all, using the under-qualified is His specialty right?
Through my transition from introversion to extroversion, I realized that I was so much happier. When I stopped worrying about myself and trying to fix myself, God started to heal me. Now that I have poked my head out of my shell and have gazed upon the miraculous world around me, I can see the big picture clearly. ("I can see clearly now the rain has gone! I can see all obstacles in my way... It's gonna be a bright -Bright!- Bright, sunshine day! ... Musical turrets strikes again!)
God really impacted everyone during the winter retreat. I am so thankful I got to serve in it. God is so good! He's renewed my sense of purpose, and my relationship with Him. So many students have come home changed by this weekend because of God. It's nice to be a part of something bigger than myself. It's especially nice to be a part of something apart from myself as well... did that make sense? It did in my head... maybe not so much now that I read it...
The point of this is, God is working through me and using my flaws to bring glory to Him. Even my sins and horrible flaws have a purpose for God's glory?! Say what?! Yeah, it's true! God works in mysterious ways! So grab the Mystery Machine, Scooby and the rest of those meddling kids and search for the mysterious things God is doing in your life!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
All I want is to have my peace of mind
My weekend
was crazy. I was barely home and had so much fun with my friends. Now
I'm having a fun hangover. I had 8 hours of sleep total for the whole
weekend. (I'm so thankful class starts at 1pm!) Now I get to catch up on
all the responsibilities I shirked over the weekend.
Now is the time I start beating myself up for not planning my weekend better. I tell myself, "Why can't I just organize things like everyone else?!" Everyone else seems to get their homework done on time. Everyone else is responsible. Nobody spends as much time on the computer and television as I do. If I spent less time on distractions and more time on my responsibilities, I would get so much more done. Why can't I just get it together?
I don't know but it has to stop. This weekend was so much fun, and I had no time to even worry about my parents which was a BLESSING. Now it's time to jump back in to reality and "Do work son!" I just feel horrible for how much I've avoided. It's a vicious cycle: I go out and have fun, ignore my to do list, come home exhausted, wake up the next day with the looming to do list, and k.o. myself with guilt beatings.
I pray for peace of mind and the ability to be gracious toward myself.
1 Peter 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Now is the time I start beating myself up for not planning my weekend better. I tell myself, "Why can't I just organize things like everyone else?!" Everyone else seems to get their homework done on time. Everyone else is responsible. Nobody spends as much time on the computer and television as I do. If I spent less time on distractions and more time on my responsibilities, I would get so much more done. Why can't I just get it together?
I don't know but it has to stop. This weekend was so much fun, and I had no time to even worry about my parents which was a BLESSING. Now it's time to jump back in to reality and "Do work son!" I just feel horrible for how much I've avoided. It's a vicious cycle: I go out and have fun, ignore my to do list, come home exhausted, wake up the next day with the looming to do list, and k.o. myself with guilt beatings.
I pray for peace of mind and the ability to be gracious toward myself.
1 Peter 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Direct from God
Today's blog is brought to you by: a broken blogger. I was in Luke today, reading more about Jesus and His ministry on earth. I was amazed by how relational he toward everyone. Some people came to Jesus only to be healed, with no intention of following him. Jesus knows their hearts, but heals them anyway. I'm the kind of person that would be plaguing others into submission if they didn't follow me. "Oh you don't want to go to church today?" BAM! "Have fun with those boils and sores then!" -Yeah I need to work on that...
The bible says that even "sinners" are nice to people who are nice to them. (That in itself is a challenge for me sometimes!) A true follower of God is gracious to everyone. So guess what I'm working on today? No, not my car... although the door does open itself while I'm driving sometimes (I'll save that story for another time)... I'm going to work on grace. Not because I want people to like me, but because of God's grace toward me.
I am so undeserving of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, but Jesus died for me anyway. I want to be like Jesus. I'm going to worry less about failing Him and work on serving Him and others more. I'm going to fail every day in one way or another, that I know. As long as I repent and remember God promises to forgive me, I have no reason to hold on to the guilt.
Today is the day I focus less on myself and more on others. Today is the day God becomes the motivation to press on toward my goals.
"Jesus, be the center. Be my source. Be my light, Jesus"
Luke 6:27-31
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
The bible says that even "sinners" are nice to people who are nice to them. (That in itself is a challenge for me sometimes!) A true follower of God is gracious to everyone. So guess what I'm working on today? No, not my car... although the door does open itself while I'm driving sometimes (I'll save that story for another time)... I'm going to work on grace. Not because I want people to like me, but because of God's grace toward me.
I am so undeserving of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, but Jesus died for me anyway. I want to be like Jesus. I'm going to worry less about failing Him and work on serving Him and others more. I'm going to fail every day in one way or another, that I know. As long as I repent and remember God promises to forgive me, I have no reason to hold on to the guilt.
Today is the day I focus less on myself and more on others. Today is the day God becomes the motivation to press on toward my goals.
"Jesus, be the center. Be my source. Be my light, Jesus"
Luke 6:27-31
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus... and nutella
It's Saturday! In the words of my favorite sponge, "Good morning Bikini Bottom!" Wow, only two hours ago I was eating fruity pebbles and laughing about boys with my best friend! Okay so the fruity pebbles were actually the generic kind. They are called fruity dyno bites! Isn't that exciting?!
So anyway... Today I am off to a choir retreat at 8 am, otherwise I would have slept for more than two hours. I'm about to max on a delicious homemade breakfast that includes homemade nutella, cinnamon rolls, sourdough bread and muffins! Yeah be jealous because not only am I about to eat most likely the best breakfast in history, I'm going to eat it with the coolest choir people in the world.
I've been praying for friends my age ever since I moved to Galesburg and I finally feel like I belong. Sure
most of them aren't Christians but that's part of the great commission right? My friends know I am a Christian and yeah I get jabbed for it every once in a while but it's worth it. They love me for who I am, and they respect my beliefs. Not because I shoved it down their throats when I met them, but because I formed a relationship with them.
So many Christians treat the unsaved as if the only goal is to save them. It's all about the product and never the process. But I've found that Christianity is a lot messier than that. People can see right through it. I'm not saying one cannot successfully witness to others without having previously met them but Jesus lived his life on a relational level. He put himself out there and let others come to him. Being a "fisher of men" requires more than just extensive knowledge about the bible. Witnessing to others requires more than a debate on religion. Witnessing is carried out through how we live our lives as well. Witnesses in court have to be reliable and consistent and upright in character in order for their testimony to be believable by the jury.
I love Jesus, and I want others to share that love that I have with Him. So today as I munch on all the homemade breakfast numminess with my buddies, I'm going to make sure to reflect the love of Jesus. I'm choosing to follow Him, and witness to others by how I live my life. I want them to see the awesome relationship I have with my Creator and say, "Dang, I want a love like that!"
So anyway... Today I am off to a choir retreat at 8 am, otherwise I would have slept for more than two hours. I'm about to max on a delicious homemade breakfast that includes homemade nutella, cinnamon rolls, sourdough bread and muffins! Yeah be jealous because not only am I about to eat most likely the best breakfast in history, I'm going to eat it with the coolest choir people in the world.
I've been praying for friends my age ever since I moved to Galesburg and I finally feel like I belong. Sure
most of them aren't Christians but that's part of the great commission right? My friends know I am a Christian and yeah I get jabbed for it every once in a while but it's worth it. They love me for who I am, and they respect my beliefs. Not because I shoved it down their throats when I met them, but because I formed a relationship with them.
So many Christians treat the unsaved as if the only goal is to save them. It's all about the product and never the process. But I've found that Christianity is a lot messier than that. People can see right through it. I'm not saying one cannot successfully witness to others without having previously met them but Jesus lived his life on a relational level. He put himself out there and let others come to him. Being a "fisher of men" requires more than just extensive knowledge about the bible. Witnessing to others requires more than a debate on religion. Witnessing is carried out through how we live our lives as well. Witnesses in court have to be reliable and consistent and upright in character in order for their testimony to be believable by the jury.
I love Jesus, and I want others to share that love that I have with Him. So today as I munch on all the homemade breakfast numminess with my buddies, I'm going to make sure to reflect the love of Jesus. I'm choosing to follow Him, and witness to others by how I live my life. I want them to see the awesome relationship I have with my Creator and say, "Dang, I want a love like that!"
Friday, January 20, 2012
Anger... Hulk Smash!
I'm not one who usually struggles with bitterness but lately I've been very bitter toward a lot of people. I've forgiven those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me. I'm okay with them being out of my life, but I still have this gut feeling to appease them. I've always been a friend to everyone to the point where I will change myself just to please them. This is ending right now.
I've been verbally beat down by many people. My compassion for people and my desire to avoid conflict prevents me from confronting them. It's been an issue I've struggled with since middle school. I change to be the person my parents want me to be, the person my friends want me to be, I even try to change myself to please people who could care less about me. Why?
It all stems from my insecurity. I feel like who I really am doesn't amount to anything. I find my worth in being well liked among people. When someone doesn't like me, I feel worthless. I've placed my identity in other people. Well guess what? I'm finding my worth in God now, and I'm done trying to kill myself by making others happy or think well of me. My Heavenly Father is the only one I need to please. His relationship with me will be the only relationship to ever satisfy me.
My dear reader, you may think that this all is coming from a very angry blogger. You know what though? I am a little angry. I'll admit it. Not everything I post is going to be all sunshiney and rainbowy and cupcakey and other made up words. (Words that sound ridiculous but make me smile despite my frustration.) I need to be real with you. Most of all, I need to be real with myself. I can't keep telling myself that what others think of me is most important. I can't keep telling myself that I am not angry when I am. I cannot keep telling myself that I'm doing well when I'm struggling everyday. Fooling myself into thinking I'm okay is not helping me change. Fooling myself is especially not helping me heal either.
Don't get me wrong, every blog entry has been straight from my heart, and completely true. But not all of them are going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, because let's face it, I'm human. I'm a sinner. But you know what? I'm not going to change this post just so you will be happy. (No offense)....(Okay, so I'm learning veeerrry slowly how to be my own person, because I do feel somewhat remorseful if that actually offended you.) God loves me! I love me... okay that's not completely true either, so let's just say I'm fond of me. But I don't need approval from anyone else otherwise to help me love myself.
God has provided me with so much in these trials that I can no longer avoid it. I choose to follow God. I choose to please Him with my thoughts and actions. I'm not only going to strive to please God more, I'm also going to let Him affect and become the Lord of every aspect of my life. I'm coming back to the real relationship with Jesus that He has intended for me since I was born.
I was saved by grace through Christ's death on the cross. Now everyday I continue to be saved by grace in my relationship with Him. God has delivered me from the depths, and I have faith that He always will in one way or another. I don't belong to sin anymore. I don't belong to death. I'm not a slave to the amusement of my parents, friends, or enemies. I don't belong to the night. I am a child of light! To God be the glory forever and ever!
1 Thessalonians 5:5
You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.
Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
I've been verbally beat down by many people. My compassion for people and my desire to avoid conflict prevents me from confronting them. It's been an issue I've struggled with since middle school. I change to be the person my parents want me to be, the person my friends want me to be, I even try to change myself to please people who could care less about me. Why?
It all stems from my insecurity. I feel like who I really am doesn't amount to anything. I find my worth in being well liked among people. When someone doesn't like me, I feel worthless. I've placed my identity in other people. Well guess what? I'm finding my worth in God now, and I'm done trying to kill myself by making others happy or think well of me. My Heavenly Father is the only one I need to please. His relationship with me will be the only relationship to ever satisfy me.
My dear reader, you may think that this all is coming from a very angry blogger. You know what though? I am a little angry. I'll admit it. Not everything I post is going to be all sunshiney and rainbowy and cupcakey and other made up words. (Words that sound ridiculous but make me smile despite my frustration.) I need to be real with you. Most of all, I need to be real with myself. I can't keep telling myself that what others think of me is most important. I can't keep telling myself that I am not angry when I am. I cannot keep telling myself that I'm doing well when I'm struggling everyday. Fooling myself into thinking I'm okay is not helping me change. Fooling myself is especially not helping me heal either.
Don't get me wrong, every blog entry has been straight from my heart, and completely true. But not all of them are going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, because let's face it, I'm human. I'm a sinner. But you know what? I'm not going to change this post just so you will be happy. (No offense)....(Okay, so I'm learning veeerrry slowly how to be my own person, because I do feel somewhat remorseful if that actually offended you.) God loves me! I love me... okay that's not completely true either, so let's just say I'm fond of me. But I don't need approval from anyone else otherwise to help me love myself.
God has provided me with so much in these trials that I can no longer avoid it. I choose to follow God. I choose to please Him with my thoughts and actions. I'm not only going to strive to please God more, I'm also going to let Him affect and become the Lord of every aspect of my life. I'm coming back to the real relationship with Jesus that He has intended for me since I was born.
I was saved by grace through Christ's death on the cross. Now everyday I continue to be saved by grace in my relationship with Him. God has delivered me from the depths, and I have faith that He always will in one way or another. I don't belong to sin anymore. I don't belong to death. I'm not a slave to the amusement of my parents, friends, or enemies. I don't belong to the night. I am a child of light! To God be the glory forever and ever!
1 Thessalonians 5:5
You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.
Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Random dancing! (Random blog title)
Today was another day of somewhat normalcy. As I sit on the firm futon, drinking rich cappuccino and watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I wonder if this is the plateau of my healing process. Either way, God has been so good to me throughout this storm I'm weathering. I'm thankful for all of the trials and thankful for this peaceful day as well. What hasn't killed me, has made me stronger by God's power.
I'm thankful for my hilarious friends. I have never laughed so hard around anyone else. I enjoy making people laugh, it's something I really appreciate myself for, but I dearly love to laugh as well. It keeps me from crying. (Fun fact: I actually cry whenever I laugh... tears stream down my face at even the slightest chuckle.)
I mentioned earlier that I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just have to say, how I marvel at musicals. Whoever invented the musical is genius! Who wouldn't want to be able to burst into song and have everyone join in, knowing the melody, lyrics, and choreography without any previous practice?! I know I would love that to happen!
That's why I love searching for flash mob videos online. I found one video of a man who organized a flash mob to propose to his girlfriend. Ah! My heart melted! I do hope I have a husband with a creative mind like that!
It's so weird to be even thinking about my future husband. I'm 21. I'm an adult. In a few years, I could very well be married. I know nothing of God's will for my life, but I would be perfectly happy marrying in 5-10 years. Whatever God's will, is my will as well.
I desire to transfer to Hillsong college in Australia more than anything. I want to study music, and perform. One day I hope to lead worship, or perform in a band like Hillsong United. I can't imagine "getting hitched" with a busy life like that. But my purpose remains in carrying out God's will.
Or maybe I will end up in a movie/musical with Dick Van Dyke and a magical motor car....
(Oh hey, by the way... bursting into song occurred all the time in the bible...)
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."
I'm thankful for my hilarious friends. I have never laughed so hard around anyone else. I enjoy making people laugh, it's something I really appreciate myself for, but I dearly love to laugh as well. It keeps me from crying. (Fun fact: I actually cry whenever I laugh... tears stream down my face at even the slightest chuckle.)
I mentioned earlier that I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just have to say, how I marvel at musicals. Whoever invented the musical is genius! Who wouldn't want to be able to burst into song and have everyone join in, knowing the melody, lyrics, and choreography without any previous practice?! I know I would love that to happen!
That's why I love searching for flash mob videos online. I found one video of a man who organized a flash mob to propose to his girlfriend. Ah! My heart melted! I do hope I have a husband with a creative mind like that!
It's so weird to be even thinking about my future husband. I'm 21. I'm an adult. In a few years, I could very well be married. I know nothing of God's will for my life, but I would be perfectly happy marrying in 5-10 years. Whatever God's will, is my will as well.
I desire to transfer to Hillsong college in Australia more than anything. I want to study music, and perform. One day I hope to lead worship, or perform in a band like Hillsong United. I can't imagine "getting hitched" with a busy life like that. But my purpose remains in carrying out God's will.
Or maybe I will end up in a movie/musical with Dick Van Dyke and a magical motor car....
(Oh hey, by the way... bursting into song occurred all the time in the bible...)
Luke 1:46-55
Mary's Song
46 And Mary said:"My soul glorifies the Lord
47 and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48 for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49 for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53 He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54 He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Somewhat normal
I had a heart to heart with my mother just now. I never knew how much I missed it until tonight. We chatted about my life. That was definitely a new experience. Not once did she bring up her problems with my dad, and for once it seemed like all was right in the world. Life seemed somewhat normal again.
I got to vent about all the drama in my life with her actually listening to me. She didn't judge me or tell me how it was my fault, she just listened. I haven't had that in a while from anyone. I just want to cry right now because it gives me so much hope that I am loved and cared for.
Some say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I just didn't know what's been missing in my life until God showed me. God blessed me with a great day today. Never mind that I have an infection and a fever. My heart is full, my God is good, and my hope is alive.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
I got to vent about all the drama in my life with her actually listening to me. She didn't judge me or tell me how it was my fault, she just listened. I haven't had that in a while from anyone. I just want to cry right now because it gives me so much hope that I am loved and cared for.
Some say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I feel like I just didn't know what's been missing in my life until God showed me. God blessed me with a great day today. Never mind that I have an infection and a fever. My heart is full, my God is good, and my hope is alive.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Monday, January 16, 2012
No matter what, I follow God.
I'm all alone in a house with two parents who don't care what happens to the other or how I'm doing in my life.
They talk to me about their problems, and they use me as a mediator between
them. They want me to solve their problems and support them and I have no
support to give plus more problems in my life that I'm trying to handle. I am playing the counselor between them
right now and all I want is for them to leave me alone.
They are using my affection for them to hurt each other. I am being dragged into this divorce war that I should really have no part of. My youth pastor is counseling me and we've decided the best thing I can do is avoid them, because when I listen to them rip apart the other parent, I am enabling them into thinking that it's okay. I don't even have the support of my parents, because they would rather air their dirty laundry to me.
They are using my affection for them to hurt each other. I am being dragged into this divorce war that I should really have no part of. My youth pastor is counseling me and we've decided the best thing I can do is avoid them, because when I listen to them rip apart the other parent, I am enabling them into thinking that it's okay. I don't even have the support of my parents, because they would rather air their dirty laundry to me.
Anything I say, they twist and use as ammo against each other. My dad
asked me if I heard any rumors about him cheating on my mom and I told him the
truth. I told him that she had mentioned it to my brother and I. She was suspicious and she had some substantial evidence
to back it up. He became furious. He started yelling about how she is a gossip
and a control freak and she is spreading rumors about him to ruin his
reputation. At that moment I felt like I had single-handedly
ruined my parents marriage for good. People are spreading rumors about my dad and his old job and his relationship with my mom, which really
bugs me.
For an hour I heard him ranting and he said there are things he could tell me about my mom that would shock me, but he won't because he wants me to love her. I'm just trying to survive in my own house right now. I count myself lucky if my parents don't talk to each other at all on any given day. Otherwise, I am the one who has to maintain peace between them.
I'm a college student. I used to have my own life before my parents decided they were going to split up. I'm losing more and more of myself everyday that I remain in this house. Their problems have consumed my life. Some days I feel great, but today is not one of those days. I have homework to do, a youth band to lead, lines to memorize, a Sunday morning church service worship set list to organize, laundry, practice for voice lessons, practice piano, two books to read... and my own set of issues to deal with like my depression and ADHD. (I need to try ADHD medication while I'm thinking about it. I'm far from focused anymore.) I rarely have motivation to accomplish any of these tasks, especially now. Then the tasks build up, and I feel lazy and I feel bad about myself for not being able to handle it. It's a vicious cycle.
I have a one friend who spends time with me but has problems of her own. I want to be there for her but I am spent. I want to tell her all of this, but I don't want to bring her down.
I desperately want to move out and cut off my parents from my life for awhile. I have no money and no job otherwise I would have moved out awhile ago. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and spent. I'm trying to trust God and give my cares to Him. I really am. I was doing well and I was happy for awhile but right now I'm just discouraged.
This is all coming from a place of hurt and desperation. I want so much to be able to move on, but I can't as long as I'm in this house. God is working this together for my good. All this pain will pay off one day, I believe that with all my heart. But it doesn't make the hurt go away. I have a close relationship with God because of all this, of which I'm extremely thankful.
God is my lifeline right now. I need a network of Christian friends my age to support me. I may not have access to that right now, maybe God will provide me with some friends. Either way God is still in control and can give me everything I need, simply from His presence. Not my will, but God's be done. I will follow Him through all of this. No matter how difficult it may become, I will take it up and follow Jesus. No matter what happens, I have faith, I have hope, and most importantly I have God. He's all I need.
Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
For an hour I heard him ranting and he said there are things he could tell me about my mom that would shock me, but he won't because he wants me to love her. I'm just trying to survive in my own house right now. I count myself lucky if my parents don't talk to each other at all on any given day. Otherwise, I am the one who has to maintain peace between them.
I'm a college student. I used to have my own life before my parents decided they were going to split up. I'm losing more and more of myself everyday that I remain in this house. Their problems have consumed my life. Some days I feel great, but today is not one of those days. I have homework to do, a youth band to lead, lines to memorize, a Sunday morning church service worship set list to organize, laundry, practice for voice lessons, practice piano, two books to read... and my own set of issues to deal with like my depression and ADHD. (I need to try ADHD medication while I'm thinking about it. I'm far from focused anymore.) I rarely have motivation to accomplish any of these tasks, especially now. Then the tasks build up, and I feel lazy and I feel bad about myself for not being able to handle it. It's a vicious cycle.
I have a one friend who spends time with me but has problems of her own. I want to be there for her but I am spent. I want to tell her all of this, but I don't want to bring her down.
I desperately want to move out and cut off my parents from my life for awhile. I have no money and no job otherwise I would have moved out awhile ago. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and spent. I'm trying to trust God and give my cares to Him. I really am. I was doing well and I was happy for awhile but right now I'm just discouraged.
This is all coming from a place of hurt and desperation. I want so much to be able to move on, but I can't as long as I'm in this house. God is working this together for my good. All this pain will pay off one day, I believe that with all my heart. But it doesn't make the hurt go away. I have a close relationship with God because of all this, of which I'm extremely thankful.
God is my lifeline right now. I need a network of Christian friends my age to support me. I may not have access to that right now, maybe God will provide me with some friends. Either way God is still in control and can give me everything I need, simply from His presence. Not my will, but God's be done. I will follow Him through all of this. No matter how difficult it may become, I will take it up and follow Jesus. No matter what happens, I have faith, I have hope, and most importantly I have God. He's all I need.
Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
SONS OF THUNDER!
I should really go to bed. ("Should" being the operative word of course.) I'm watching an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer before I go to bed. I'm a sucker for anything by Joss Whedon! No school tomorrow, so I have some time to sleep in. I am determined to blog everyday. Okay, okay so I technically missed yesterday but I'll submit another entry tonight to make up for it!
It is now day 5 in the 30 days to read the New Testament challenge. I have finished the book of Matthew and I'm in chapter 5 of Mark. Which has only been accomplished by the grace of God. I could never do anything this intense on my own. It's by his power I am even this far into the challenge! Reading all about Jesus and his life on earth really gets me excited. His life on earth is a great example as to how I am to live my life. I love reading the parables as well. It's Jesus way of simplifying his lessons for us so even inattentive goofballs such as myself may understand.
Today, I really focused on faith. Jesus said that even a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I may not be able to see God, but I don't have to to know He's with me. I may not see where my life is headed, but I have faith that God will direct my life into something I am passionate about. I want to move mountains!
I want a faith like Peter, who wasn't afraid to ask Jesus to walk on water. He may have gotten scared and started to sink after he walked a few steps from the boat, but no other disciple can say they trusted Jesus enough to even ask him to walk on water. I want a faith like Peter. I want to walk on water!
I have decided on fasting from Facebook for awhile to work on the priorities in my life, and other various reasons all of which are fairly noble in cause and will spare me an extra few hours in my day I suppose. I spend so much time on distractions.
One of my weaknesses is organization. Most everything I do is out of impulse. It's a part of having ADHD, but it's completely manageable. The hardest part is realizing when I'm being distracted, and giving into my impulses. Today's blog is brought to you by: Self Control! Yes, yes, I know that it is 1:33 a.m. and that just may be the antithesis of self control, but I'm determined to finish!
Mark 3:17
James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder.
(If I ever sing and play in my own band, I am totally naming it Sons of Thunder... pretty hardcore right?!)
It is now day 5 in the 30 days to read the New Testament challenge. I have finished the book of Matthew and I'm in chapter 5 of Mark. Which has only been accomplished by the grace of God. I could never do anything this intense on my own. It's by his power I am even this far into the challenge! Reading all about Jesus and his life on earth really gets me excited. His life on earth is a great example as to how I am to live my life. I love reading the parables as well. It's Jesus way of simplifying his lessons for us so even inattentive goofballs such as myself may understand.
Today, I really focused on faith. Jesus said that even a faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. I may not be able to see God, but I don't have to to know He's with me. I may not see where my life is headed, but I have faith that God will direct my life into something I am passionate about. I want to move mountains!
I want a faith like Peter, who wasn't afraid to ask Jesus to walk on water. He may have gotten scared and started to sink after he walked a few steps from the boat, but no other disciple can say they trusted Jesus enough to even ask him to walk on water. I want a faith like Peter. I want to walk on water!
I have decided on fasting from Facebook for awhile to work on the priorities in my life, and other various reasons all of which are fairly noble in cause and will spare me an extra few hours in my day I suppose. I spend so much time on distractions.
One of my weaknesses is organization. Most everything I do is out of impulse. It's a part of having ADHD, but it's completely manageable. The hardest part is realizing when I'm being distracted, and giving into my impulses. Today's blog is brought to you by: Self Control! Yes, yes, I know that it is 1:33 a.m. and that just may be the antithesis of self control, but I'm determined to finish!
Mark 3:17
James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder.
(If I ever sing and play in my own band, I am totally naming it Sons of Thunder... pretty hardcore right?!)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Tale as old as time
What is it about Beauty and the Beast that has me so euphoric?! Maybe it's the fact that I watched this movie about a billion times as a child, and a million times as an adult. Maybe it's because I was watching it with my best friend. Maybe it's the memories connected with it. OR maybe it's just a freakin awesome movie, and I love it!
Confession time! Scooch on in... closer... closer... Okay here it goes... *exhale* I can quote the pretty much the whole movie. I know right? A chick who can barely hold her attention in a classroom can pay attention long enough to memorize an entire movie?! I'm thinking the same thing. Maybe if all of my textbooks were made into movie/musicals, I would be a straight A student! (Spielberg, if you are reading this, it's something to think about... Oh, and HI! I love your work!!!!!)
I'm not sure what else to write about today. Oh, how about this? I've decided I'm going to read the New Testament in 30 days! I'm not one for being challenged, so I figured it's about time I start challenging myself. I have issues with motivation. Especially when I am depressed. Any little chore becomes a giant hurdle my mind simply cannot overcome. God's got my back though! He's gotten me this far through school. That is a miracle in and of itself. (With 5 A's and 2 B's no less!)
God has been providing me with so much through this time of adversity! He has me stuck in this tension filled house for a reason and His will in my life will make me happy. God knows me better than I'll ever know myself so He has a specific plan picked out just for me that will be just awesome! So, Hillsong United, here I come!!! (Okay maybe that's just what I want, but you never know!)
Confession time! Scooch on in... closer... closer... Okay here it goes... *exhale* I can quote the pretty much the whole movie. I know right? A chick who can barely hold her attention in a classroom can pay attention long enough to memorize an entire movie?! I'm thinking the same thing. Maybe if all of my textbooks were made into movie/musicals, I would be a straight A student! (Spielberg, if you are reading this, it's something to think about... Oh, and HI! I love your work!!!!!)
I'm not sure what else to write about today. Oh, how about this? I've decided I'm going to read the New Testament in 30 days! I'm not one for being challenged, so I figured it's about time I start challenging myself. I have issues with motivation. Especially when I am depressed. Any little chore becomes a giant hurdle my mind simply cannot overcome. God's got my back though! He's gotten me this far through school. That is a miracle in and of itself. (With 5 A's and 2 B's no less!)
God has been providing me with so much through this time of adversity! He has me stuck in this tension filled house for a reason and His will in my life will make me happy. God knows me better than I'll ever know myself so He has a specific plan picked out just for me that will be just awesome! So, Hillsong United, here I come!!! (Okay maybe that's just what I want, but you never know!)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Today's blog is brought to you by: cruel irony!
Wow. What a day. As the snow accumulated throughout the day, as did my anticipation for a snow day. Guess what?! School was cancelled! After I had attended all but one class.... School was actually cancelled at 2:30, and all my classes except choir took place before then. Ah irony! I do enjoy a good bout of irony! (Even at my expense, I still appreciate it!)
I'd like to say that things are better than ever. I'd like to say that everything is sunshine and marshmallows and rainbows... mmm... marshmallows. (Guess who's hungry?) I'd really like to say that even a couple things in my life were going well, but in all honesty my life has gotten worse. (Cue the sad theme music that plays during the end credits of the t.v. show "The Incredible Hulk".) Does it seem like I'm a little peppier? Oh I'm so glad you asked because... yeah I am. Guess what great epiphany I've had today?! I'm not strong enough, and I can't handle the obstacles in my life.
Yeah, okay it's not really a "let's all go out and celebrate at Buffalo Wild Wings" type of epiphany, but I've had another epiphany. (This one is relevant, I promise! That first epiphany was just so I could draw you in so you'd be all like "Say what?! I need to read more to figure out what she means!" ...Did it work?) (I really think I may be abusing the right to use parenthesis.)
My second epiphany is as follows: God is stronger than any problem I will ever face. He loves me and wants to use me for His glory, even in the midst of my struggles. My God is super cool like that. I've spent so much of my life trying to please others and win their approval. When God is the only one I really need to serve and seek approval. "Well done my good and faithful servant." is the applause I will strive for from now on, because my God will never fail, always love me, and provide for me. He is worth serving. I may not be able to brag about myself, but I will always brag about my God! I give God all the glory.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I'd like to say that things are better than ever. I'd like to say that everything is sunshine and marshmallows and rainbows... mmm... marshmallows. (Guess who's hungry?) I'd really like to say that even a couple things in my life were going well, but in all honesty my life has gotten worse. (Cue the sad theme music that plays during the end credits of the t.v. show "The Incredible Hulk".) Does it seem like I'm a little peppier? Oh I'm so glad you asked because... yeah I am. Guess what great epiphany I've had today?! I'm not strong enough, and I can't handle the obstacles in my life.
Yeah, okay it's not really a "let's all go out and celebrate at Buffalo Wild Wings" type of epiphany, but I've had another epiphany. (This one is relevant, I promise! That first epiphany was just so I could draw you in so you'd be all like "Say what?! I need to read more to figure out what she means!" ...Did it work?) (I really think I may be abusing the right to use parenthesis.)
My second epiphany is as follows: God is stronger than any problem I will ever face. He loves me and wants to use me for His glory, even in the midst of my struggles. My God is super cool like that. I've spent so much of my life trying to please others and win their approval. When God is the only one I really need to serve and seek approval. "Well done my good and faithful servant." is the applause I will strive for from now on, because my God will never fail, always love me, and provide for me. He is worth serving. I may not be able to brag about myself, but I will always brag about my God! I give God all the glory.
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
War of my soul
I'm not sure what to talk about today. I've been feeling insecure about myself. Like I'm not enough. Amidst all the struggles with my parents, I've just been feeling ignored. The only time they really come to me is to talk about the other parent. I'm struggling with my purpose right now. I just feel worthless. I know it's a lie, but I don't believe it right now. I've been told by multiple people that the enemy wants me to feel alone, worthless, and unloved. The trouble is that I do. I'm believing the lies. Instead of the listening to the still small voice coming from the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I just feel like I'm complaining too much. The two people I talk to, my boyfriend and my best friend, have heard so much of it that I just feel like I'm bugging them. What better way to vent than semi-anonymously? I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for my parents. I'm praying for joy. I'm praying that you aren't too turned off by this post, whoever you are. I need to start fighting for my life.
I've got to start speaking truths and God's promises to combat this depression. Okay, here it goes.... God is in control, so I'm going through this with a specific purpose in mind and it will work out to better me. I have God always with me, a youth pastor who has opened up his home to me and has been through what I'm going through, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to be happy, and a caring bestie who makes me laugh when I want to cry... so that means I am not alone. Jesus died for me, because He thinks I'm worth dying for and wants me to spend eternity with him... so that means I'm not worthless. He loves me even at my worst moments... so that means I'm loved more than I can ever imagine.
I'm ready for bed now. I've got some homework to do and need some time alone with God. If you are out there, reading this right now... please pray for me. Is that weird to ask? If it is, well, I'm sorry I guess. I just need all the prayer I can get right now. I feel like satan is attacking me in every aspect of my life right now. I guess I should be encouraged by the fact that maybe he is going to all this trouble because God has something great planned for me to offer the world to further the His kingdom. Maybe I can do something awesome for God. "I have seen with my own eyes, your faithfulness oh God. So I refuse to believe the lies that war against my soul."
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I just feel like I'm complaining too much. The two people I talk to, my boyfriend and my best friend, have heard so much of it that I just feel like I'm bugging them. What better way to vent than semi-anonymously? I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for my parents. I'm praying for joy. I'm praying that you aren't too turned off by this post, whoever you are. I need to start fighting for my life.
I've got to start speaking truths and God's promises to combat this depression. Okay, here it goes.... God is in control, so I'm going through this with a specific purpose in mind and it will work out to better me. I have God always with me, a youth pastor who has opened up his home to me and has been through what I'm going through, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to be happy, and a caring bestie who makes me laugh when I want to cry... so that means I am not alone. Jesus died for me, because He thinks I'm worth dying for and wants me to spend eternity with him... so that means I'm not worthless. He loves me even at my worst moments... so that means I'm loved more than I can ever imagine.
I'm ready for bed now. I've got some homework to do and need some time alone with God. If you are out there, reading this right now... please pray for me. Is that weird to ask? If it is, well, I'm sorry I guess. I just need all the prayer I can get right now. I feel like satan is attacking me in every aspect of my life right now. I guess I should be encouraged by the fact that maybe he is going to all this trouble because God has something great planned for me to offer the world to further the His kingdom. Maybe I can do something awesome for God. "I have seen with my own eyes, your faithfulness oh God. So I refuse to believe the lies that war against my soul."
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Just a fool growing wise
After my post yesterday, I decided I needed to spend some time with my creator. I read about Daniel and his integrity when he was faced with a law against, well God basically. Punishable by a gruesome death of being ripped apart by hungry lions. The moment Daniel found out about this law, he went home, to his room flung open the windows and prayed for all to see.
I want a faith like that. Daniel was the kind of guy that resisted any worldly activities that would compromise his relationship with God. He only ate veggies for a while because the meat everyone else ate was "blessed by a pagan God". I could not believe it! Sadly, I care too much of what others would say about me if I ever pulled a stunt like that. I want a faith like Daniel.
One of my new favorite quotes that originated from my devotional book is "Whether we are stand-up Christians or stand-up comics depends upon whose applause we covet". I cried when I read this quote because earlier that day I had made a joke at the expense of another person, and cussed in front of my entire class in order to make them all laugh, and while everyone laughed and it made me feel good temporarily, I made someone feel insecure by poking fun at them and compromised my relationship with God. Plus I just plain looked foolish swearing to get a laugh. I coveted the applause of my peers more than the applause of my Creator.
I apologize. It was wrong. But isn't it awesome how God looks after us? I believe it was no coincidence that I happened upon that particular quote in that particular devotional book. It was a miracle and my God loves me enough to show me that the applause of millions will never add up to the applause of my One True God.
Daniel 6:10
When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.
I want a faith like that. Daniel was the kind of guy that resisted any worldly activities that would compromise his relationship with God. He only ate veggies for a while because the meat everyone else ate was "blessed by a pagan God". I could not believe it! Sadly, I care too much of what others would say about me if I ever pulled a stunt like that. I want a faith like Daniel.
One of my new favorite quotes that originated from my devotional book is "Whether we are stand-up Christians or stand-up comics depends upon whose applause we covet". I cried when I read this quote because earlier that day I had made a joke at the expense of another person, and cussed in front of my entire class in order to make them all laugh, and while everyone laughed and it made me feel good temporarily, I made someone feel insecure by poking fun at them and compromised my relationship with God. Plus I just plain looked foolish swearing to get a laugh. I coveted the applause of my peers more than the applause of my Creator.
I apologize. It was wrong. But isn't it awesome how God looks after us? I believe it was no coincidence that I happened upon that particular quote in that particular devotional book. It was a miracle and my God loves me enough to show me that the applause of millions will never add up to the applause of my One True God.
Daniel 6:10
When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.
Monday, January 9, 2012
This is my brain on ADHD
I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts. "Well how is that different from every other minute of every other day?" And my reply would be "It's not." I decide to type one thought, but delete it again. Over and over and over. My brain is overloaded with a thousand different thoughts, ideas, random memories, and random songs like Barbie Girl by Aqua and More Than A Feeling by Boston. Stabs of resentment and bitterness crop up into my noggin every once in awhile. I notice that my toe is tingling from being numb. I laugh at the time I got bit by a donkey. I wiggle my toe because it's still numb. I glance at the stack of job applications that spreads a sense of dread (that rhymed) throughout my thought-filled brain. Snapshots of last night's argument plague my brain and bring tears to my eyes. I worry about my family. I worry that I might have torn my parents apart. My head says "no" but my heart screams "yes". I wish I had more friends to confide in about my problems. Then I remember that I haven't prayed in a while. I should talk to God about this. I begin to worry about what you might be thinking about this blog post because it has no sense of direction or profound revelations. I list the chores I need to accomplish tonight. I worry about starting a 7 hour school day tomorrow. I laugh at the ridiculous cut-away jokes that make Family Guy so entertaining. I wonder whether you are still interested in reading this post. I'm sorry if this is so weird. This is my brain on a normal basis... That reminded me of the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial. "This is my brain with ADHD." I really need to take all these Christmas decorations down. I believe the standard amount of time to leave these decorations up is well past it's deadline. I'm all alone in the house right now. I wonder how loud I could play my music until someone called the cops on me? Someday, I want to sing in a band like Hillsong United. My dream is to lead worship for thousands of Christians in a huge stadium. I love singing on my church's worship team. I had the chance to lead worship last year, and after I shook off the initial nervousness, God blessed me with the words to say, and everything went smoothly. Another dream of mine is to host Saturday Night Live someday. I am amazed at how flexible my cat is. She sticks her leg straight up in the air and licks the the end of her paw! I wish I was flexible like that. Not so I could lick my leg, but just so I could be all graceful like a ballerina dancer. I have no need to lick my legs. I promise. Well if you haven't stopped reading by now, I'm pretty sure I've just creeped you out enough to make you stop now... sorry. I suppose I should thank you if you have stuck it out this far. Thank you. Really. This post is mostly just to clear my brain. It helps me focus if I write down all the things that are bugging me. It's kind of like downloading content from your computer to a hard drive. It declutters the computer and makes room for other documents and data. Well I suppose I should stop now. Thanks for sticking with me here and reading this odd post! I feel much better now! Though there is no real spiritual relevance to this post, so I will leave you with a verse that I must start applying to my life... especially right now.
Proverbs 17:28 (ESV)
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
Proverbs 17:28 (ESV)
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Pressing on
Wow. I've had a rough day. The message in church was about marriage. It took every fiber of my being not to cry throughout the whole service. I did not cry. (Praise God!) When I got home though, I completely broke down. It's getting harder to rely on God when these issues are clouding my view.
I have to constantly remind myself that I have more life ahead of me than in my past, that it will get better, and that God is working all this out for my good. I obsessively repeat it like a mantra. Like a marathon runner sweating and straining through the last mile. Like Steve Prefontaine running with a jacked up foot as blood is filling his shoe, he continues on, toward his goal.
My strength is gone, so much so that only God is my strength now. He is the reason I survive each day. Not only survive, but fulfill His will for my life. He gives me a reason to live and press on through all these trials and hardships.
As the ever wise, ever profound band Relient K always said "I'm pressing on. All my distress is going, going gone. And I won't sit back and take this anymore. Cuz I'm done with that. I've got one foot out the door. Going back to where I was would just be wrong. I'm pressing on."
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I have to constantly remind myself that I have more life ahead of me than in my past, that it will get better, and that God is working all this out for my good. I obsessively repeat it like a mantra. Like a marathon runner sweating and straining through the last mile. Like Steve Prefontaine running with a jacked up foot as blood is filling his shoe, he continues on, toward his goal.
My strength is gone, so much so that only God is my strength now. He is the reason I survive each day. Not only survive, but fulfill His will for my life. He gives me a reason to live and press on through all these trials and hardships.
As the ever wise, ever profound band Relient K always said "I'm pressing on. All my distress is going, going gone. And I won't sit back and take this anymore. Cuz I'm done with that. I've got one foot out the door. Going back to where I was would just be wrong. I'm pressing on."
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Who I've become
It's been two years since my first two surgeries. I've come so far physically, emotionally and spiritually since then. God has shaped me and grown me so much that I'm brought to tears by His precious love for me. Everything good in me that makes me who I am today, is because of God.
My God loves me enough to not only save me from death and hell, but also to continue to save me from myself and my sin every single day. I'm in awe of his grace and forgiveness for me. The moment I ask for forgiveness, He forgives and places my sins from Him as far as the east is from the west. I'm so in love with God. I don't understand Him fully but I think if I did, I would not be very impressed. People I easily understand are usually shallow, because there isn't much to them. People who are easy to understand are easily predictable, easily judged, easily looked down upon. That is why I'm completely okay with God being so confusing sometimes.
There is so much to God, that I can go every day praising Him for something new! I'm totally okay with that! Wow, this blog entry started about my victory over my first surgery, and turned into the unfathomable mystery of God... well that's ADHD for you!
Philippians 1:21-22
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!
My God loves me enough to not only save me from death and hell, but also to continue to save me from myself and my sin every single day. I'm in awe of his grace and forgiveness for me. The moment I ask for forgiveness, He forgives and places my sins from Him as far as the east is from the west. I'm so in love with God. I don't understand Him fully but I think if I did, I would not be very impressed. People I easily understand are usually shallow, because there isn't much to them. People who are easy to understand are easily predictable, easily judged, easily looked down upon. That is why I'm completely okay with God being so confusing sometimes.
There is so much to God, that I can go every day praising Him for something new! I'm totally okay with that! Wow, this blog entry started about my victory over my first surgery, and turned into the unfathomable mystery of God... well that's ADHD for you!
Philippians 1:21-22
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Failure and Faith
The days are dwindling down before I must thrust myself back into the routine of school. I have so much to do. Yet here I sit, watching The Big Bang Theory and creeping on facebook. The reality looming before me prevents me from preparing... in other words... "I don't wanna!"
I'm an excellent procrastinator. It's probably what I can do best. (Although, sarcasm is a close second.) I've had years and years of practice. Sometimes I wish I could just shake myself out of this complacent state and accomplish tasks weeks in advance instead of hours.
The truth of the matter is, I work well under pressure. Anything I do a day ahead of time is impeccably done. It's one obstacle I have not yet quite overcome. I have failed so much before that it's hard for me to see any chance of success now. I'm praying for self control. It seems like an uphill battle, but I know that God is on my side and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
I'm an excellent procrastinator. It's probably what I can do best. (Although, sarcasm is a close second.) I've had years and years of practice. Sometimes I wish I could just shake myself out of this complacent state and accomplish tasks weeks in advance instead of hours.
The truth of the matter is, I work well under pressure. Anything I do a day ahead of time is impeccably done. It's one obstacle I have not yet quite overcome. I have failed so much before that it's hard for me to see any chance of success now. I'm praying for self control. It seems like an uphill battle, but I know that God is on my side and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
The blessings of a brat
I'm exhausted. I had five hours of sleep last night. One would think I'd be passed out now, but I'm determined to blog every day. (Okay so technically I missed yesterday, but better late than never right?) It's been a great day, but I'm just in a bummed out mood. I'm looking for a new job, I have a headache, and I'm feeling some stabs of jealousy right now so I've decided to count my blessings so I'll stop being a brat. (I may as well be honest about my bad attitude.)
Okay, here we go...
-I am a child of an Awesome, Holy, Wise, Loving, Always Forgiving, Mighty, and Glorious God. He loves me and has taught me so much through my trials. He continues to grow me into a strong woman of faith, and He gives me a purpose. I'm truly happy following God's will for my life. He loves me at my worst moments, and forgives me any and every time I ask, without hesitation. His love for me is both awe-inspiring, and baffling at the same time. He is in control and He never fails me.
-I have two fully functional hips. (It's been almost two years since my first two major hip surgeries!)
-I am gaining a wonderful education and learning so much about something I am very passionate about... music!
-I have a hard working, compassionate mother working two jobs to help pay for my education. She is an amazing cook, and she is so witty and is so quick to make a joke. I definitely got most of my humor from her.
-I have a fun father who made me into the nerdy, UFC loving, softball playing, classic rock junkie/ Trekkie that I am today.
-I have a hilarious brother who constantly quotes movies with me, shares my passion for late night comedies and Family Guy, sings Green Day with me, and makes me laugh with his dry humor.
-I have an awesome boyfriend who loves everything about me, including my obnoxious burping, ADHD, and my random sometimes hyperactive personality. He shares my passion for music; he's extremely intelligent and outgoing. He listens to me when I'm depressed, and knows just what to say to lift me out of my funk. He is selfless and
..... I'm going to get my buns to bed now. I feel much better now. Good night world! I bid you farewell, feeling much less like a brat now and more blessed than ever.
"May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit YOU MAY ABOUND IN HOPE." - Romans 15:13
Okay, here we go...
-I am a child of an Awesome, Holy, Wise, Loving, Always Forgiving, Mighty, and Glorious God. He loves me and has taught me so much through my trials. He continues to grow me into a strong woman of faith, and He gives me a purpose. I'm truly happy following God's will for my life. He loves me at my worst moments, and forgives me any and every time I ask, without hesitation. His love for me is both awe-inspiring, and baffling at the same time. He is in control and He never fails me.
-I have two fully functional hips. (It's been almost two years since my first two major hip surgeries!)
-I am gaining a wonderful education and learning so much about something I am very passionate about... music!
-I have a hard working, compassionate mother working two jobs to help pay for my education. She is an amazing cook, and she is so witty and is so quick to make a joke. I definitely got most of my humor from her.
-I have a fun father who made me into the nerdy, UFC loving, softball playing, classic rock junkie/ Trekkie that I am today.
-I have a hilarious brother who constantly quotes movies with me, shares my passion for late night comedies and Family Guy, sings Green Day with me, and makes me laugh with his dry humor.
-I have an awesome boyfriend who loves everything about me, including my obnoxious burping, ADHD, and my random sometimes hyperactive personality. He shares my passion for music; he's extremely intelligent and outgoing. He listens to me when I'm depressed, and knows just what to say to lift me out of my funk. He is selfless and
..... I'm going to get my buns to bed now. I feel much better now. Good night world! I bid you farewell, feeling much less like a brat now and more blessed than ever.
"May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit YOU MAY ABOUND IN HOPE." - Romans 15:13
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year
A new year! Oh dear! As I sit here fawning over the Gerard Butler singing in the Phantom of the Opera, I inhale the stale scent of chilli, ham, and various junk foods, dreading the massive atomic bomb I will have to set off to get this basement back to a semi-presentable state. I've been thinking of resolutions for the new year. The standard resolutions: "Read the bible in a year, eat healthier, exercise more, learn the guitar, glorify God in all I do, live my year with God's purpose for me in mind, and to love and respect myself more." on my list just stare at me taunting that I won't get them done...
It's part of my personality. I've failed so much before that it's hard for me to believe in myself to finish anything else now. God has been gracious to me though, reminding me of Moses's speech problem, Paul's "thorn in his side", Sarah's barren womb, David's small stature, Jonah's flat out refusal. God uses the seemingly useless to carry out His will. "His good, pleasing, and perfect will." This new year, I'm going to believe more in the perfect will of God more, than believe that my past failure will keep me from accomplishing all God has in store for me.
So as I sit in my new attitude, I can't help but grin at the taunting, ever so daunting list of resolutions and taunt back. I taunt back, with a new sense of duty "My God is greater than my inability to finish things!". Then I feel a bit silly for yelling at a piece of paper...
Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
It's part of my personality. I've failed so much before that it's hard for me to believe in myself to finish anything else now. God has been gracious to me though, reminding me of Moses's speech problem, Paul's "thorn in his side", Sarah's barren womb, David's small stature, Jonah's flat out refusal. God uses the seemingly useless to carry out His will. "His good, pleasing, and perfect will." This new year, I'm going to believe more in the perfect will of God more, than believe that my past failure will keep me from accomplishing all God has in store for me.
So as I sit in my new attitude, I can't help but grin at the taunting, ever so daunting list of resolutions and taunt back. I taunt back, with a new sense of duty "My God is greater than my inability to finish things!". Then I feel a bit silly for yelling at a piece of paper...
Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
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