I'm not one who usually struggles with bitterness but lately I've been very bitter toward a lot of people. I've forgiven those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me. I'm okay with them being out of my life, but I still have this gut feeling to appease them. I've always been a friend to everyone to the point where I will change myself just to please them. This is ending right now.
I've been verbally beat down by many people. My compassion for people and my desire to avoid conflict prevents me from confronting them. It's been an issue I've struggled with since middle school. I change to be the person my parents want me to be, the person my friends want me to be, I even try to change myself to please people who could care less about me. Why?
It all stems from my insecurity. I feel like who I really am doesn't amount to anything. I find my worth in being well liked among people. When someone doesn't like me, I feel worthless. I've placed my identity in other people. Well guess what? I'm finding my worth in God now, and I'm done trying to kill myself by making others happy or think well of me. My Heavenly Father is the only one I need to please. His relationship with me will be the only relationship to ever satisfy me.
My dear reader, you may think that this all is coming from a very angry blogger. You know what though? I am a little angry. I'll admit it. Not everything I post is going to be all sunshiney and rainbowy and cupcakey and other made up words. (Words that sound ridiculous but make me smile despite my frustration.) I need to be real with you. Most of all, I need to be real with myself. I can't keep telling myself that what others think of me is most important. I can't keep telling myself that I am not angry when I am. I cannot keep telling myself that I'm doing well when I'm struggling everyday. Fooling myself into thinking I'm okay is not helping me change. Fooling myself is especially not helping me heal either.
Don't get me wrong, every blog entry has been straight from my heart, and completely true. But not all of them are going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, because let's face it, I'm human. I'm a sinner. But you know what? I'm not going to change this post just so you will be happy. (No offense)....(Okay, so I'm learning veeerrry slowly how to be my own person, because I do feel somewhat remorseful if that actually offended you.) God loves me! I love me... okay that's not completely true either, so let's just say I'm fond of me. But I don't need approval from anyone else otherwise to help me love myself.
God has provided me with so much in these trials that I can no longer avoid it. I choose to follow God. I choose to please Him with my thoughts and actions. I'm not only going to strive to please God more, I'm also going to let Him affect and become the Lord of every aspect of my life. I'm coming back to the real relationship with Jesus that He has intended for me since I was born.
I was saved by grace through Christ's death on the cross. Now everyday I continue to be saved by grace in my relationship with Him. God has delivered me from the depths, and I have faith that He always will in one way or another. I don't belong to sin anymore. I don't belong to death. I'm not a slave to the amusement of my parents, friends, or enemies. I don't belong to the night. I am a child of light! To God be the glory forever and ever!
1 Thessalonians 5:5
You are all sons of the light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.
Romans 6:6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
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