Music nerds: the only nerds that can actually impress you with their skills.

   Wow what a day! I spent most of the day at church, working on putting worship music together for a junior high summer camp. I am extremely privileged and excited to organize the worship band for summer camp for another year! I have so many new ideas to implement! God has totally provided so much in regards to musicians, instruments, and creative control of it all. I am so stinkin blessed to be serving God by doing something I love so much.
   I practiced piano... willingly... yeah I'm still getting used to that feeling. I also attended my voice lesson and ugh, what an exhausting lesson. I'm working on an Italian opera aria called La Figlia Del Reggimento. The thing about singing opera is that it's a solo, you have to pronounce the Italian perfectly, and you have to sort of know what's going on in the song in order to sing with the appropriate expression and creative interpretation and most of the time you have to learn the song in one lesson and then work on memorizing it, and everything else at home.
   It's definitely taken a toll on my patience and vocal chords. I'm pretty hard on myself when I make a mistake and when one must take all of the aspects of singing opera correctly into account, it's almost more than I can handle.
   The awesome thing about it though, is that my voice has improved by leaps and bounds. I can hear my head voice and chest voice blending together, and I am now able to sing a high F! (If you need some context as to how high that is, listen to the song Phantom of the Opera. In the very end of the song, the woman sings a high E flat. I can sing a whole step above that. *Puffs out chest in pride* ...but you can't really tell cuz I have no chest... Awkward? Yeah, but I flourish in awkwardness... that's my excuse anyway.)
   ...You could probably care less about this... Blah blah blah says the music nerd who desperately wants a record player, sings into hairbrushes, sings in the shower, enjoys music theory, ear training, playing piano, and (I'm even scaring myself here) OPERA.
    Okay moving on to more pressing matters. Today I found out that we have been offered an apartment. The deal is that if we want it, we have to respond by tomorrow and move in by Monday.
 *Boom goes the dynamite*
   I will have to pack up everything and uproot myself to the downtown area of Galesburg in four days if my mother accepts. I've decided, though, to focus on the fact that God is good, He is providing for my family, and worrying about it would be pointless. (Only after the initial panic wore off and the Holy Spirit kind of backhanded me, did I come to that realization.) God is in control. This is for my good. Glory to God forever. (And yes, I'm sure it's obvious that I am listening to that very song right now)
   I am still looking forward to the goings on of my summer. I am just looking forward period. It's been a while since I have actually looked to the future for hope. I like it. Maybe it's just a change in my attitude... okay yeah... definitely a change in my attitude. God is growing me and right now I've just got that warm, fuzzy, cliche feeling inside that my future is very bright. The brightness of my future even brightens up this ridiculously rainy and cold day in the burg. One could even say... I'm... BLINDED BY THE LIGHT! WRAPPED UP LIKE A DEUCE, ANOTHER ROLLER IN THE NIGHT!
   (Had to sing it, couldn't resist) A little fun fact about me: when I first heard that song, I thought the lyric was "Wrapped up like a douche, another roller in the night." After a stern correcting from my mother, I learned the correct lyric... but I still sing it the wrong way sometimes, just to give myself a cheap laugh.
   I'm super excited about my bible reading! I've finished reading the minor prophets in the Old Testament, and now I'm going to read through Psalm and Proverbs in 31 days! I'm well on my way toward accomplishing reading my bible before the year is out! (One of many new years resolutions, and one of the only ones I've actually worked toward accomplishing.)
   Alright time to wrap this puppy up... In conclusion, I'm a nerd, God is good, life is crazy, music is fun, and yay Psalm!

Love, God's will, and Whales

   Got to visit my dad in Moline yesterday and today. We bought a keyboard courtesy of my grandma. She paid for it all. It's nice to have it payed for but mostly it's nice to know someone believes in me and my God-given abilities.
   I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I basically feel like I single- handedly ripped out his heart and my heart as well. I felt God calling me to break up with my boyfriend and pursue deeper relationship with Him and my relationship with my boyfriend is too much of a distraction. But it was a lovely distraction. The best distraction I have ever had.
   This man was my lifeline during my parents splitting up. He is the reason I've survived thus far. He has helped me heal better than anyone because he knows what I'm going through better than anyone. He knows my heart and how to make me smile better than anyone else. I never had to worry about being a dork around him; he never judged me. He always made me feel beautiful. He made every day worth remembering. We could do anything in the world together or nothing at all and it would always be magical, leaving me euphoric. I love everything about him. He gets my humor and swept me off my feet every single day. He told me he loved me every chance he had and he always made my heart sigh. I looked forward to his texts every morning and hated the moment when we had to say goodnight. He is my best friend now and forever and will always hold a special place in my heart. God has something awesome in store for him. I believe that with all of my heart. He is a leader, he is extremely intelligent, and he is wise beyond his age. I will pray for him every single day in the hopes that He becomes everything God has called him to be. I've put him through the wringer, and I feel terrible. I've lost the best part of me and the best thing that has happened to me and only God's grace will help me heal.
   But God's will is more important than all of this. More important than my security, loving and being loved by an amazing man, and any other desire. God has something awesome planned for both of us. As one of my wise friends said, "You can't deny God's will... well you can, but then you get eaten by whales." Never thought I would be able to smile ever again until he said that. I now will abide more deeply in Him than I ever have before.
   With a heavy heart, I turn to God and wait on Him. Whatever he has in store for both of us will be epic and nothing is more fulfilling and rewarding than following God's will... well it doesn't feel like it right now... but it still rings true. I'm listening to the rain patter against the windows and watching the sun set, turning the sky a beautiful golden orange, and at the same time, I'm feeling the sun set on this phase of my life.

Philippians 2:12-13
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in
my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

I am capable of crying!

   I just returned from an 8 hour work day. With the Adele's sultry voice caressing my ears, I begin to unwind. Her voice just flows into my ears like melted butter and caramel and it trickles down my spine and warms me from head to toe. Mmmm... Oh Adele! You are my musical soul mate!
   You know how I've been mentioning my desperation for the feeling of the presence of God? I had it this morning and not in the way I expected. (God does that a lot, ya know, takes humanity by surprise.)
   I read the book of Haggai early this morning. Yeah... Haggai. I don't like to say Haggai... it sounds dirty to me. Not like the perverted dirty... I just think of dirt and old people when I say Haggai... maybe it's because it has the word "hag" in it... Okay enough of... whatever kind of tangent that was... I'm not even sure...
   Anyway, a certain verse just stuck with me. Let me share it with you and I'll elaborate...
Haggai 1:5-7
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.
    
   God revealed to me that I'm doing too much for myself. So many selfish things don't add up to anything in the end. I do things that seem good, like work in youth group, sing at church, and lead a worship band, but they're not always done with the right motives. Sometimes I do these things for my own recognition. (Which is just as effective as not doing them at all.) I need to "give careful thought to my ways."
   Then I decided to listen to a podcast before work. I scrolled down to find my favorite John Coe podcast and I clicked on a different message by someone else. I paused it so I could find the right podcast but for some reason, some still small voice told me to listen to it. So I did. 
   It's a podcast on spiritual development by a guy named Todd Pickett. He talked about struggling with sin as a Christian. I happen to be struggling with sin a lot. More than usual... or maybe I am just more aware of it now... Anyway... 
   He talked about approaching sin with the mindset that it is a journey that God is taking you on. The goal is not to get rid of the sin simply by behavioral modification, but also through analyzing or exploring why the sin is being committed, what wound may be causing it, what needs aren't being met to cause it, and realizing you are powerless against it on your own. 
   It may be because there is something you need to believe more deeply about God. You need to realize that you can't just repair the sin and move on, but to abide more deeply in God to help your humanity. But he also said (and this is what first caught my attention.) don't be discouraged by your sin because it leads to repression or hiding the sin. 
   Sin cannot just be repressed. Especially by Christians. It leads to pride issues and hypocritical ideas. We need to hold each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ. I desire an accountability partner more than anything right now. 
   As the podcast ended, I started crying. (I rarely cry. I'm teased a lot because I don't cry in public, like ever. But any God encounter has reduced me to a blubbering mess. So there all you doubters! I can cry!) I felt so loved. I knew that God directed me to that message for a reason. I needed it. He knew I was struggling, hurting and drowning. I began praying and thanking God for caring so much to teach me and speak directly to my heart. I cried and got down on my knees feeling utterly undeserving of His perfect provision, His crazy huge amount of love, and His amazing grace. I cried for joy and thanked God for loving me anyway and making it so apparent. 
   I prayed for a friend, an accountability partner. I prayed to never forget this moment and for strength when life hits me in the face again that I wouldn't become discouraged and remember this intense radiating feeling of being loved. I am so in love with God. My soul just feels like it's in one piece again. I haven't felt healed and whole in a long time. 
   I am also going to remember have my time alone with God in the mornings from now on instead of at night... how I ever survived the day without a morning alone with God is a mystery to me. God is so good.
   Oh no... I ran out of Adele songs... Ooh! I'll listen to Gungor!! 
...Well that won't do as an adequate ending to this post... it's just thoroughly awkward! I apologize... here is an ending more befitting... Saw this on facebook today and cried...

...That's better...

The gory of God

   I read Zephaniah this morning, another book of prophecy, and I am just utterly amazed at the fact that God is revealing wisdom through these pretty depressing scriptures. I am just in awe of Him! Let me give you a couple examples of what I've been reading...

Zephaniah 3:8
"Therefore wait for me," declares the Lord, "for the day I will stand up to testify. I have decided to assemble the nations, to gather the kingdoms and to pour out my wrath on them— all my fierce anger. The whole world will be consumed by the fire of my jealous anger."

Zephaniah 1:17
"I will bring such distress on all people that they will grope about like those who are blind, because they have sinned against the Lord. Their blood will be poured out like dust and their entrails like dung."

   How gory, right? Entrails and dung and blood? This sounds more like something from Tales From the Crypt to me. Here's something I realized though. So many people talk about only the verses that emphasize God's love for us or grace, or mercy... basically the verses that make us feel good. And the verses that don't promote that lovey-dovey feeling inside are just ignored.
   These verse highlights God's jealousy and anger against idol worship. We should never forget that God is to be feared. He put gory things in the bible. He gets angry. He gets jealous when we worship something other than Him. God is our King. Kings are respected and feared and loved and served. Days go by where I forget how Sovereign my God is. I treat him too much like my buddy to the point where it's disrespectful, and I forget that he formed the mountains and could crush them with his finger. He is not tame.
   I also forget that despite the fact that God is all powerful and sovereign, and He gets jealous and angry, He forgives me. God knows me better than I know myself, so that means He knows my evil motives behind everything I do. He knows how "desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9)  I am and loves me anyway. On my best day, I still deserve hell. On my worst day, God still loves me. He saved me from hell. He saved me from my former way of life. He saved me from myself.
   I am sinful. I fail everyday. Anything bad in me comes from who I am. Anything good in me comes from Christ. So my prayer today is to be filled with Christ. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that Christ comes pouring out and there is no room for my sinful self. I pray that when people look at me, they see Christ.
   Today I will live by grace. I will respect God like the rightful King He is. I will live remembering that every second of this day is filled with God's love for me. At my worst point today, God still loves me. I will live in gratefulness of the complexity of God. In whatever I do, it will be for God's gory... I mean glory...

Of cliches and being a hipster...

   I thought today was going to be a huge downer. First thing I have to do when I wake up is get ready to go with my mom and brother to be continue the process of applying for government housing. I was less than thrilled when I woke up let me tell you. My attitude was abominable.
   Government housing? Psh! As one of my friends so succinctly put it, "You are that poor huh?" (When I responded yes, they apologized.) After the first few grumblings and snappy responses though, I realized I was acting like a giant butt-munch. So I stopped, breathed, and remembered that this is God's plan to move my family and it is for my good.
   I cheered up even more when we got breakfast at Mcdonalds though. Nothing like some savory, deep fried, hashbrowny goodness to brighten up my day! The indigestion was totally worth it. I don't care what anyone says about Mcdonalds. It will always hold a special place in my heart... in all the clogged arteries and veins. But I digest. (Couldn't resist a family guy quote.)
   I was reading through another little known book of the bible today, Micah. Another minor book of prophecy. Hoping that something would jump out at me today and lo and behold, I found a couple verses that pretty much sum up this crazy chapter of my life.

 Micah 7:7-8
But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.
 
   "I will ri-ise, out of these ashes, rise..." Yeah, it's a song. (Musical turrets!) A good one too. You should listen to it. "Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." I put all of my faith in this. I could try as I may to grope around in this darkness and try to find a way out on my own, or I could wait on the Lord to be my light and show me they way. It will take patience. Let me (or anyone with ADHD) tell you, patience is not our strong suit. I. Hate. Waiting.
   God knows this and that must be why I'm here in this situation. He is teaching me patience. To rely on a power greater than my own (Cuz He who iiis in me, is greater than I will ever be and I will ri-ise!) that will come in the future instead of trying to accomplish things now in my ever-failing weakness. Instant gratification=Lasting Pain.
   I continue to look forward to my totally radical summer filled with serving God at jr. high camp, a convention for worship leaders, and all around epic friends and awesome-sauce activities. For realsies. (Yeah, maybe too many odd hipster words jammed into one paragraph.)
   With all my tuition paid for and OH YEAH! I forgot to mention! My financial aid has been reinstated! So now my textbooks will be paid for by financial aid which means.... this upcoming school year will not cost me a dime!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! God has totally blessed me with way more than I could ever dream of, or even hope to deserve. I give God all the glory for this amazing opportunity. Now I can focus on saving money for the college I transfer to... or whatever God has planned in my future.
   I must be at work at 8am... which is in less than 6 hours. I must be off to bed soon. I leave you with this verse that pretty much sums up the cry (of joy and thankfulness) from my heart right now. God is good, all the time, and I am undeserving (but grateful) of every bit of it!

Micah 7:18-19
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

D-D-D-D-D-Dora!

   I am restless. (Chick with ADHD... Restless??? Naw, never!) I was reading through Amos today. Yeah, Amos... it's a book of the bible... No one ever quotes the book of Amos. In a bible study, where everyone goes around the room and says their fav bible verse, no one ever says their favorite verse is from the book of Amos... my point? Little known book of the bible. I'm going to be honest, I never read it.Go look it up. It's there, I promise. But I digress... Amos is a book of prophesy and it is kind of depressing. Lots of prophesy of punishment and doom and gloom and meh...
   So I was reading Amos today and just couldn't connect. You have those days where it seems nothing you read in the bible is relevant to your life? Ashamedly, I have. A lot. ...So come on... Admit it... You have too... Did you admit it? ...Yeah? ...Don't you feel better now?? ...Does blog post feel like an episode of Dora the explorer? (You know where Dora asks a question and waits for you, the audience, to respond but you never respond because you're too old and too cool to throw all caution to the wind and talk to a tv? I feel like this entry is just like that.)
   I was praying earnestly that God would open up my foolish eyes so I could see what in the world is in the book of Amos that He could possibly want me to learn today. (I felt like one of the disciples trying to understand one of Jesus' parables.) God blessed me tonight, and He revealed some wisdom from Amos.
   That's actually not the point of my post today. Psyche! Sorry if that's disappointing. The point today is, MAN am I restless for God's presence!!! I feel like every day is a fight for my faith. Every day is a struggle to seek God, but, by the grace of God, I don't give up.
   I haven't felt God's presence in a while... Does that make me a bad christian? Is my heart far away from God? Am I doing something wrong? Is it my fault? Is God punishing me? Every single day, though, those questions bombard my brain, making me feel helpless and inadequate. The answer to all of that is no, thankfully. Maybe I don't feel God's presence because God is growing me spiritually.
   In a podcast I've been listening to, Dr. John Coe explains it best. (BTW I highly suggest listening to him... the podcasts are lengthy but totally worth it. Link shall be at the bottom... Not the character from Zelda, but a link for the podcast... Oh boy it is time for bed...)  Basically he says that as soon as we become Christians, we are like newborn babies. Just like a newborn baby with a bottle, we are fully dependent on God and His presence to keep us growing and healthy. As we grow we need to be weaned off the bottle (God's presence). Because nowhere in the bible does it say that we need to feel God's presence in order to be near Him.
   God is just weaning me off the bottle, but right now I am feeling withdrawal. I have to say though, that I really don't need to "feel" God's presence to know He's there. He's in me, He's all around me. He's growing me and forming me into all that His will requires me to be. I will seek God, not for the reward of feeling His presence, but because I love God. I desire to know Him more, to please Him, to love Him, and to be loved by Him more everyday. I am not giving up. I have faith.
   I am restless for God, and holy moses, it is an awesome feeling.

Amos 4:2 
The Sovereign Lord has sworn by his holiness: "The time will surely come when you will be taken away with hooks, the last of you with fishhooks.

...See?! I mean... fishhooks?! That is pretty morbid in my opinion... and painful... okay but here is the serious verse from Amos that I loved....

Amos 4:13
He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, and who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn to darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth— the Lord God Almighty is his name.

...Just a reminder of how Sovereign and Powerful and Awesome and Huge our God really is. Not only is He the lover of my soul, but he is the fighter for my soul. He will and can not be messed with.

 http://www.biola.edu/spiritualformation/lecture/ 
(It will take you to a page with a bunch of links under a bunch of titles, just click on the one that says audio. I suggest you take a listen to them all, but my favorites are the ones titled "Drawing Near to God When God Seems Far Away", and "Going on with God in Dark Nights."
 Link is at the bottom as well.

Grease is the word

   It's summer, summer, summertime... summertime! I'm trusting that God has something epic in store for me this summer. God has provided me with a job, He has carried me through another successful semester.
   Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you... I have a job now! About a week ago, I started job searching at the prodding of my mother. I was just going to humor her, but driving to my first destination I remember praying, "God I'm sorry I haven't relied on you for the small details of my life. Lord, please provide me a job. You know my needs, and I'm going to completely rely on you to provide for me even though I don't deserve your provision."
   Praying helped change my perspective a bit as I first walked into Dollar General but that was a no go. Then I went over to Big Lots and another no go. Then just for a good laugh, I went to a tanning place practically blinding the poor employee with my glowing, transparent white skin, and obviously that was a no go. So I walked down to Goodwill. I applied there a month earlier but heard nothing so I was wary to try again, but I remembered that God is in control so I walked to the register and asked for an application.
   The cashier handed me one and the manager happened to be standing a couple aisles away and told me she had never done this before, but she wanted me to fill it out in the store and she could interview me when I was done. Yeah... after regained my consciousness and picked up my jaw off the floor, I feverishly filled out all the information with my heart pounding so hard that I was sure everyone in the store could hear. I thanked God for working this out so far as I finished signing my name and turned my application in to the manager.
   She took me back to her office and I remember feeling such an out of place sense of peace. I knew God was working some crazy-awesome scheme on me. The manager looked over the paper for about three minutes and started asking me about myself. I was completely calm and collected and answered each question to the best of my ability with a giant grin on my face due to the fact that I was still in shock, but so excited I was in a job interview.
   After a ten minute interview, the manager told me I was a great fit for their team. She said "I've never done this before but you are hired." ...Wha...What? Hired?? ...Me?? Yeah, I shook her hand and "thank you's" bubbled out of my mouth like I had eaten a mentos and drank diet coke at the same time. I walked out to my car rather dizzy and sat inside and started crying. I bawled like an animal rights activist during a Sarah Mclachlan commercial. I had never experienced a literal, almost immediate, direct answer to prayer. I consider all of that a miracle straight from God. I have a job now, not because of anything I did, but because of God.
   I've learned through all of this that God is listening to my prayers... oh yeah, I know, big revelation huh? But whatever hits me in life, my first reaction is never to talk to God about it. God has shown me through my lack of prayer, where my priorities lie.
   No matter what I have to say now, I'm completely honest with God. Some days, I have to tell him that my heart isn't in the right place, and I'd rather be doing something else, but I'm tired of trying to fool God and myself by not praying or by praying what I think He wants to hear. God wants my honesty and my devotion and I'm hopelessly devoted to Him... okay yeah that's a song from Grease... yeah, I used to fast forward through the entire song too when I watched the movie... Yeah... I'm a music geek. I know. But, hey! God created me that way and I'm okay with that! I think it at least keeps these posts a little interesting, right? Okay I'm going to stop typing now, here's a few verses for you today...

Matthew 7:7
Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Psalm 107:28-30
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

Matthew 21:22
And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.

Remind Me Who I Am

                                                         Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray.
   Holy Moses this song has been played so much on Air 1, and usually I despise over-played songs on the radio, but this song has spoken volumes into my life. I forget who I am in the midst of my struggles. I forget not only who I am but who God is. It's funny how tragedy and pain can really bring out one's true self.
   I can handle pain. Physical pain. The seven surgeries I've recovered from brought me closer to God than I thought possible. I thought it was rough at first but God really opened my eyes to His awesome power and provision.
  Emotional pain is a completely different story. I'm an emotional person. Right-brained people usually are. I think I am super creative because I draw from my emotions. My first reaction to a situation is emotion. I rarely analyze or criticize or any of those words ending with "ize". I just feel.
   It's probably why I'm so naive and gullible... don't tell anyone I said that... or else I will get a lot of people trying to get me to look up gullible in the dictionary to see if it's there... and after multiple searches in various dictionaries, I can proudly say that gullible is in fact listed in the dictionary.
   So this whole ordeal with my parents splitting up and my dad now living in Moline has really crushed my very heart, spirit, and soul. To me, seven surgeries seems like a cake walk compared to this stuff now. In my panic to keep control, I've forgotten my Creator is already in control. I hate looking and feeling vulnerable so I do my best to handle things on my own... I hate crying in front of people, actually crying at all. I try so hard to maintain this appearance of a controlled, strong, emotionally tough woman in order to prevent myself from being hurt. The problem is, I'm not. I know it, and God knows it. In my struggle for control, I push God aside assuming that once I've got myself under control, once I'm strong enough, God can use me.
   It's been a struggle to let go of the wheel and relinquish control to God. I blame my musical turrets for this, and I cannot believe I'm doing this, but Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" popped into my head. I'm sorry, it's just so cliche and corny to me. God has control of my life whether I "let Him take the wheel" or not. It's not like when I think I have control of my life, He has stepped back from the wheel while I try to drive and when I finally "let Him take the wheel," He sits back down in the driver's seat and regains control. Okay, less ranting, more cutting to the chase...
   Pain and heartbreak force me into a helpless state of blind depression. I forget who I am, and all I see is hopelessness. The song "Remind Me Who I Am" comes on the radio and I lift my hands (yes while I'm driving) and cry out to God. It's a daily prayer because I lose sight of who I am daily.
   In the midst of crying and singing my heart out while driving (sometimes with my eyes closed but only for a second... or three), I catch glimpses of hope. I catch glimpses of God through my pain. I tell you, experiencing God through pain and suffering is the greatest thing happening to me. Best experience in the world by far. It's intense. Okay I'm abruptly ending this super long blog entry... I'm going to bed... well I'm going to brainstorm some sort of visual, daily reminder of who God is and who I am to Him to put in my room. With that, I leave you with these verses that have brought me hope.

Psalm 18:1-3,28,35
I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies.
For You will light my lamp; The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.