Remind Me Who I Am

                                                         Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray.
   Holy Moses this song has been played so much on Air 1, and usually I despise over-played songs on the radio, but this song has spoken volumes into my life. I forget who I am in the midst of my struggles. I forget not only who I am but who God is. It's funny how tragedy and pain can really bring out one's true self.
   I can handle pain. Physical pain. The seven surgeries I've recovered from brought me closer to God than I thought possible. I thought it was rough at first but God really opened my eyes to His awesome power and provision.
  Emotional pain is a completely different story. I'm an emotional person. Right-brained people usually are. I think I am super creative because I draw from my emotions. My first reaction to a situation is emotion. I rarely analyze or criticize or any of those words ending with "ize". I just feel.
   It's probably why I'm so naive and gullible... don't tell anyone I said that... or else I will get a lot of people trying to get me to look up gullible in the dictionary to see if it's there... and after multiple searches in various dictionaries, I can proudly say that gullible is in fact listed in the dictionary.
   So this whole ordeal with my parents splitting up and my dad now living in Moline has really crushed my very heart, spirit, and soul. To me, seven surgeries seems like a cake walk compared to this stuff now. In my panic to keep control, I've forgotten my Creator is already in control. I hate looking and feeling vulnerable so I do my best to handle things on my own... I hate crying in front of people, actually crying at all. I try so hard to maintain this appearance of a controlled, strong, emotionally tough woman in order to prevent myself from being hurt. The problem is, I'm not. I know it, and God knows it. In my struggle for control, I push God aside assuming that once I've got myself under control, once I'm strong enough, God can use me.
   It's been a struggle to let go of the wheel and relinquish control to God. I blame my musical turrets for this, and I cannot believe I'm doing this, but Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" popped into my head. I'm sorry, it's just so cliche and corny to me. God has control of my life whether I "let Him take the wheel" or not. It's not like when I think I have control of my life, He has stepped back from the wheel while I try to drive and when I finally "let Him take the wheel," He sits back down in the driver's seat and regains control. Okay, less ranting, more cutting to the chase...
   Pain and heartbreak force me into a helpless state of blind depression. I forget who I am, and all I see is hopelessness. The song "Remind Me Who I Am" comes on the radio and I lift my hands (yes while I'm driving) and cry out to God. It's a daily prayer because I lose sight of who I am daily.
   In the midst of crying and singing my heart out while driving (sometimes with my eyes closed but only for a second... or three), I catch glimpses of hope. I catch glimpses of God through my pain. I tell you, experiencing God through pain and suffering is the greatest thing happening to me. Best experience in the world by far. It's intense. Okay I'm abruptly ending this super long blog entry... I'm going to bed... well I'm going to brainstorm some sort of visual, daily reminder of who God is and who I am to Him to put in my room. With that, I leave you with these verses that have brought me hope.

Psalm 18:1-3,28,35
I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies.
For You will light my lamp; The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great.