You know how I've been mentioning my desperation for the feeling of the presence of God? I had it this morning and not in the way I expected. (God does that a lot, ya know, takes humanity by surprise.)
I read the book of Haggai early this morning. Yeah... Haggai. I don't like to say Haggai... it sounds dirty to me. Not like the perverted dirty... I just think of dirt and old people when I say Haggai... maybe it's because it has the word "hag" in it... Okay enough of... whatever kind of tangent that was... I'm not even sure...
Anyway, a certain verse just stuck with me. Let me share it with you and I'll elaborate...
Haggai 1:5-7
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it." This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.
God revealed to me that I'm doing too much for myself. So many selfish things don't add up to anything in the end. I do things that seem good, like work in youth group, sing at church, and lead a worship band, but they're not always done with the right motives. Sometimes I do these things for my own recognition. (Which is just as effective as not doing them at all.) I need to "give careful thought to my ways."
Then I decided to listen to a podcast before work. I scrolled down to find my favorite John Coe podcast and I clicked on a different message by someone else. I paused it so I could find the right podcast but for some reason, some still small voice told me to listen to it. So I did.
It's a podcast on spiritual development by a guy named Todd Pickett. He talked about struggling with sin as a Christian. I happen to be struggling with sin a lot. More than usual... or maybe I am just more aware of it now... Anyway...
He talked about approaching sin with the mindset that it is a journey that God is taking you on. The goal is not to get rid of the sin simply by behavioral modification, but also through analyzing or exploring why the sin is being committed, what wound may be causing it, what needs aren't being met to cause it, and realizing you are powerless against it on your own.
It may be because there is something you need to believe more deeply about God. You need to realize that you can't just repair the sin and move on, but to abide more deeply in God to help your humanity. But he also said (and this is what first caught my attention.) don't be discouraged by your sin because it leads to repression or hiding the sin.
Sin cannot just be repressed. Especially by Christians. It leads to pride issues and hypocritical ideas. We need to hold each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ. I desire an accountability partner more than anything right now.
As the podcast ended, I started crying. (I rarely cry. I'm teased a lot because I don't cry in public, like ever. But any God encounter has reduced me to a blubbering mess. So there all you doubters! I can cry!) I felt so loved. I knew that God directed me to that message for a reason. I needed it. He knew I was struggling, hurting and drowning. I began praying and thanking God for caring so much to teach me and speak directly to my heart. I cried and got down on my knees feeling utterly undeserving of His perfect provision, His crazy huge amount of love, and His amazing grace. I cried for joy and thanked God for loving me anyway and making it so apparent.
I prayed for a friend, an accountability partner. I prayed to never forget this moment and for strength when life hits me in the face again that I wouldn't become discouraged and remember this intense radiating feeling of being loved. I am so in love with God. My soul just feels like it's in one piece again. I haven't felt healed and whole in a long time.
I am also going to remember have my time alone with God in the mornings from now on instead of at night... how I ever survived the day without a morning alone with God is a mystery to me. God is so good.
Oh no... I ran out of Adele songs... Ooh! I'll listen to Gungor!!
...Well that won't do as an adequate ending to this post... it's just thoroughly awkward! I apologize... here is an ending more befitting... Saw this on facebook today and cried...
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