I'm not sure what to talk about today. I've been feeling insecure about myself. Like I'm not enough. Amidst all the struggles with my parents, I've just been feeling ignored. The only time they really come to me is to talk about the other parent. I'm struggling with my purpose right now. I just feel worthless. I know it's a lie, but I don't believe it right now. I've been told by multiple people that the enemy wants me to feel alone, worthless, and unloved. The trouble is that I do. I'm believing the lies. Instead of the listening to the still small voice coming from the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I just feel like I'm complaining too much. The two people I talk to, my boyfriend and my best friend, have heard so much of it that I just feel like I'm bugging them. What better way to vent than semi-anonymously? I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for my parents. I'm praying for joy. I'm praying that you aren't too turned off by this post, whoever you are. I need to start fighting for my life.
I've got to start speaking truths and God's promises to combat this depression. Okay, here it goes.... God is in control, so I'm going through this with a specific purpose in mind and it will work out to better me. I have God always with me, a youth pastor who has opened up his home to me and has been through what I'm going through, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to be happy, and a caring bestie who makes me laugh when I want to cry... so that means I am not alone. Jesus died for me, because He thinks I'm worth dying for and wants me to spend eternity with him... so that means I'm not worthless. He loves me even at my worst moments... so that means I'm loved more than I can ever imagine.
I'm ready for bed now. I've got some homework to do and need some time alone with God. If you are out there, reading this right now... please pray for me. Is that weird to ask? If it is, well, I'm sorry I guess. I just need all the prayer I can get right now. I feel like satan is attacking me in every aspect of my life right now. I guess I should be encouraged by the fact that maybe he is going to all this trouble because God has something great planned for me to offer the world to further the His kingdom. Maybe I can do something awesome for God. "I have seen with my own eyes, your faithfulness oh God. So I refuse to believe the lies that war against my soul."
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
2 comments:
Sorry, this is extra long...I just think you might like to hear this.
I struggled with what you struggled with last year. My life felt like it was crumbling in on me. Before, I had so much going for me. Everyone thought I was so happy and lucky. I would graduate a month from then, and then move off to bigger and better things.
My dad was the world to me. I would brag about how awesome he was to whoever would listen. I remember one day where I was with two high school guys in a coffee shop. They told me how they look up to my dad so much for what they want to be as husbands. That day I was proud for my dad. He truly was everything I wanted in my husband...
Later that night my mom and I figure out that my dad was out with another women. Out of anything going on in my life, this was not the thing I had expected.
My life sucked. I was embarrassed in what my family was going through. I lost trust in the one man on this earth I thought I could trust.
One of the few people I was able to tell about my problem was a guy who I went to youth group with. At the time, we weren't super close, but I felt like God kept putting him in my life because I needed someone there.
We started getting closer. Looking back, I think I mainly liked him because he was everything my father was not, and at the time, I did not want anything like my father.
He truly was my best friend. I never fully told him all the crap I faced with skipping school just because my mom was so upset, or working an extra job at my dad's office so my parents could go to counseling for a few hours.
I kept all of the anger and sadness inside me. No other regular person knew what I and my family was facing. My ways to avoid hearing my parents cry and fight were to run to my guy friend's house and have his family take me in. I never told my guy friend's family about my issue. I still don't know if he ever said anything to them about it either. I kind of just acted like nothing was going on in with my life.
Pretty soon graduation came around, and my family still wasn't back to normal. Our big secret hid upstairs while I celebrated my graduation party downstairs of my house.
Summer came around and I started dating my guy friend. I originally had no intentions of dating him...it just...happened. He made me feel so special. I could talk to him and he would always know what to say back. He made me feel so special. Through all the chaos going on in my life, I knew that I at least had him.
As summer continued, I completely avoided all of my friends. I avoided my family as well. My summer...was my boyfriend.
Looking back on it, through the struggles going on in my life, I feel like my way of handling the situation was to avoid it by running away, or not discussing it with others. I was trusting God for what was going on and saw he was taking care of it, but I really don't feel like I was doing my part by praying and constantly being there for my parents.
I know it's hard to see your parents with what is going on right now. Trust me, I know. I just don't want you to make the same mistake I did by avoiding the issue and running away. My relationship with my parents went completely downhill and is just now mending.
God puts us through struggles like this because he knows we can handle them. When you feel like you are growing so much with God and he does something this to you, he may just be saying that there is so much more room for growth.
I will continue to pray for you and your family.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us. -Romans 8:18
Thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. My parents have been the ones hurting me, and I forgot how nice it is to have someone dear relate to me. I'll keep praying for you too. I miss you. I love you, despite how I've acted, what you may think as a result of my actions (or lack thereof), or what others might be saying about me. I miss you a lot.
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