Welcome to my life.

   For I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. You were once dead in your sins, but have been made alive in Christ.
   I don't feel alive. I feel quite dead right now. I feel quite dead most of the time nowadays. The height, length, and depth of my sin is overwhelming me. "Just focus on Christ and it will get better." Oh Gee. I didn't think of that. Thanks. Sometimes I cannot see Jesus through all the sin, stains, muck, and mire that covers my eyes. I need Jesus to wipe it away and give me sight again.
   I truly believe Christ died for me and has wiped me clean of my sins and gave me His righteousness. It's just hard to remember that all the time when you feel so guilty and sinful. How do I get to the place of my security in Christ? I don't really know at this point. More medication? Counseling? Maybe. I just want Jesus to fix me. I just want to be fixed. It's really a thorn in my side preventing me from doing anything because I don't feel capable enough.
   A song we sang in chapel today said "Take my intellect and use every power as you choose." I started crying at this lyric because I don't think I have any intellect. How in the world do I change that mindset? I've believed those lies for so long that I have substituted them for truth.
   Anyway, good times. It's been rough. I mean, I haven't been struggling with this big time, because it's been the norm for me. It's just that sometimes I see these lies exposed in the light and I find a glimpse of hope and it scares me.
   Like what if I'm really smart? What if I'm just lazy and complacent? To me, that is worse than being dumb. I would rather be dumb than be lazy. What if I am so much more capable than I think? That means I have more power than I think. What if God created me for righteousness and I am capable of it? That means that I have no excuse to pursue righteousness.
   Jesus is righteousness, so pursuing righteousness means pursuing Jesus. I've been reading the bible and praying. I desperately want more of Jesus in my life. I need more truth. I need to see not the height, length, and depth of my sin, but the height, length, and depth of God's love.
   Ugh. It's the same old story.
   I need love. I need assurance. Blessed assurance. I need that. God please show me in big ways you love me, and I am forgiven. Please show me I am clean. Please show me I am loved beyond all reason. I need your love. I need you. Please be apparent in my life so I can see you instead of my failure that so easily paralyzes and entangles me. I want to serve. I'm so scared. Help. Sozo me.