Plbt life.

   I ran out of two of my medications 2 days ago, and I can definitely tell. I'm nearing a panic attack right now. I just got home from a fun college visit, and I'm faced with so much to do. On top of that, I feel completely worthless. I feel like utter trash. I mean, I am a failure.
   Right now, I just don't see anything in myself. Right now, I would trade everything I am to just be organized and intelligent. I would give all my personality to be normal and successful. I would trade all my talent for just a bit of inner beauty and selflessness. I do not like me right now.
   I'm so tired of living in Galesburg. So tired of being stuck in the same old place, but I don't think I'm good enough to deserve anything but this. Life is just beating me down, but I feel like I deserve every blow.
   PLEASE understand, I'm not sharing this for sympathy, or pity, or even encouragement. I don't need it, because it won't work anyway. I just need to vent. I know most of the things I say to be lies, but without my medicine, I'm just a big ball of insecurity and self loathing.
   First thing tomorrow morning, prescriptions must be refilled, whether I have the money for them or not. I also definitely need to spend some time with Jesus. Reading the word, letting God speak some truth into my life is what I need right now.
   I really just want to watch some mind numbing tv and sleep, but I think I'm going to listen to a podcast and pray instead... but then sleep.
   I really hate being this way. I really do. I wish I were perfect. I wish I could tell you something encouraging right now like, these grey clouds have a silver lining. Or, it's always darkest before the dawn... or someday your prince will come. "I just wish I could bake a cake made out of sunshine and rainbows and we could all eat it and be happy." (mean girls)
   I'm sorry, but today I have no encouraging words for you. I don't have any witty anecdotes or inspirational quotes or epiphanies. All I can say is that I am completely depressed and broken down, but I keep my eyes fixed on Christ. My help comes from the Lord.
   I am not going to seek a solution to this problem. I am not going to seek a way to fix my depression or become happy. I'm not going to seek encouragement or help. I am just going to seek Jesus.