Confessions

   So I've been looking back at all I've been through and reflecting on what God has helped me endure. There are a lot of things I haven't admitted here, so I figure I may as well be honest, because I'm not perfect, and I don't try to be. This past summer I tried to commit suicide. I tried to overdose on sleeping pills. I obviously failed. There are a lot of days I wish I hadn't failed. There are a lot of days I am glad I did. Some days I remind myself that God must really want me on this earth for a reason, otherwise I would have just died that night.
   Life is a constant battle for me. I battle for the motivation to do simple tasks like homework and staying organized. I battle myself every single moment. There are a lot of times that I absolutely hate myself. To say that I see any worth in myself would be a lie. The one thing I do know is true though is that Christ gives me worth. Whether I had any worth to begin with or not. Like I said, I've been through a lot, but that doesn't mean I have everything figured out.
   I swear like a sailor, I am selfish, I hate my body, I hate my looks, I hold grudges toward those who make fun of me, I am so stinkin quick to judge, I pretend I am strong, I am controlling, I put up walls so I don't get hurt, I am ungrateful, I lie, I lust, I'm arrogant, I'm so stubborn, I'm rude, I am so so broken. More broken than I could ever know, and that kills me. Sometimes so much so, that I forget that Christ loves me deeper than my brokenness. He's redeemed me and made me a new creation. Most of the time I forget, or I don't feel like a new creation. Most of the time I know the world would be better off without me.
   I know that God has me in this place for some reason. I am not struggling with all this depression, insecurity, and suicidal thoughts in vain. I am not writing this for your sympathy. That's not what I'm after. What I'm after is that I am done pretending that I have it all together. It's not helping me or anyone. I just want the world to know that I am a sinner, saved by grace. I am covered by Christ's blood, not because of anything I've done, but because for some crazy awesome out of this world reason, He loves me. For some odd reason, He created me with a specific purpose. I'm clay in His hands. I'm not a masterpiece yet, but I'm not just a lump of un-molded clay anymore either.
   I am not defined by my failure or how well I know and follow the teachings of the bible. (Thank God.)  I am defined by Jesus Christ and Him alone. I just pray during that the next attack of depression and suicidal thoughts, I will remember this and hope. I know that someday I will rise up. It may be a while, but it is someday. I may despair, but that is only because I know there is hope. "There cannot be despair without hope."
   I am so thankful to be here at school going through these struggles, because I know I am not alone. I have such a good community of fellow believers who build me up and see worth in me when I cannot. I know I am going through all this crap for a reason. It has a purpose. Right now, my job is not to figure out what that purpose is or trust God to fix my life. He is not a personal assistant. Right now my job is to draw closer to Him and seek Him first. Not to get something. Not for any gain other than to spend time with Him, to love and be loved by Him. So that's what I'm going to do. At freaking 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm going to spend time with Jesus. That's how I roll. That's what I need. I just need more Jesus. Thank God that Jesus is and will always be more than enough for me. I can never need Him too much.
   Okay enough gabbing. If you're reading this, I just ask that you pray for me. Maybe share with me your struggles. I'm a freaking open book now, so why not open up too? Just because we go to a Christian college, doesn't mean we can't share our struggles. I'm not going to judge. I mean, who am I anyway? Just a fiery punk redhead. Vulnerability breeds connection. You want a true sense of community? Get vulnerable. Share crap that you are too embarrassed to share with others. You won't believe the freedom you get. Truth will set you free. Do it. Now. Okay not now, I'm about to pray and go to sleep.
   To sum up this post, I am a sinner. I have nothing to brag about except for my savior. My God is awesome. He loves me though I don't even remotely deserve it. The end.