For Karisa, Love Erin

 

Transformation Tuesday... Something I've learned over the past 3 years is that just because you lose the weight, doesn't mean you lose the insecurities that went with it. My insecurities related to my body, are not something I can "lose" like a certain number of lbs. Insecurities come from the heart. My insecure heart keeps telling me to lose more weight, because I'm still not happy. I may have reached my weight-loss goal, but the act of reaching that goal did not satisfy. Deep down, we do not love our friends according to their outward appearance, so why do we think that we have to look a certain way in order to love ourselves? The only way I've become truly happy is accepting that I am loved no matter what. True and lasting change starts with the heart. No amount of "behavior modification" could ever solve a heart issue. For example, I tried everything to lose weight. I starved myself, binged and purged, ran many miles with a severe birth defect, but at the end of the day, it all came from the wrong motivation. I only did this because I believed that my sense of worth came from my outer appearance. I believed the lie that who I was as a person, was measured and summed up by the number of lbs on the scale. I tried to lose weight for everyone but myself. I didn't care about being healthy or taking care of the body with which God has blessed me. I just wanted to belong and be accepted by a shallow version of society. The diets I tried, the anorexia, the bulimia, the dangerous exercise, were just another way I punished myself, and nothing more than an expression of hatred toward myself. I'm not saying I no longer struggle with these insecurities. I most definitely do, but the way I handle them now has changed. Eating to numb the pain of depression and low self-worth is one form of self-loathing. Dieting and exercising to lose weight is ultimately to feel good about yourself and get rid of your low self-worth, which is still just a different way of numbing the pain and another form of self-loathing. I dieted because I hated what I looked like, and I associated what I looked like with my identity as a human being. It's only a quick fix though. It's instant and temporary gratification that causes delayed and enduring pain. Like I said, I may have reached my goal, but the act of reaching my goal has not made me love myself more, because love does not depend on outward appearance. My goal now is to merely be transformed by the renewing of my mind... to know God and His unending, unconditional love for me. I want an identity not in myself, my looks, my actions, my thoughts, or words. I want my identity to come from God, because God loves me. God is Love. Love changes the heart. And the heart is what really matters.