Despair and Self Deception...

I am pretty depressed. It is so hard to do homework online. I am falling into the same pit that I always did when I was going to school. I neglect my homework from time to time, and I gradually just abandon it all together. I need help. I thought I was snapped out of the school neglecting coma. I thought I was strong enough. I am never going to catch up, and I am never going to amount to anything. It is so hard to get myself out of this state of mind. This problem is stronger and smarter than me. I need God's help, but I have neglected Him too. I know he will accept me back in his unfaltering grace. It feels like I am stuck in quicksand, and somehow I am watching myself sink down helplessly with a feeling of justification. It is not easy to type this. I never share this with anyone. It is like I get stage fright every time I try to write down my feelings. Even when it is in a journal, my brain just shuts down. Even as I type I blanking- I don't even know how to describe it, it's like my mind is holed up in some sanitarium room. It's all white and sterile, smelling of disinfectant, and it has no windows or furniture... just white walls and white tile floors. It is blank, just like my mind. Only God can pull me out of this, sometimes I think not even He can help me. My biggest enemy is my human nature, who minimizes God and limits His power. My human nature tells me that I need to fix myself on my own. The Holy Spirit tells me in the smallest of voices, that I almost don't recognize, that He is the only way. It is a civil war between the Holy Spirit, and the sinful side of me. I have to start protecting myself from my own thoughts, otherwise I will die, making only myself suffer. God help me. I can't type anymore.