memories and wishes...

I am scheduled to go to the Iowa City hospital (yet again) to have another follow up from the surgery. I hate going to that hospital only because of the memories associated with it. The few days or so after my surgery I started reacting to the pain killers I was administered. I had so many horrifying hallucinations, and I told my dad that I don't remember much, but I remember more than I let on. I was absolutely terrified out of my mind. Just thinking about what happened makes me freak. I remember calling 911, which is something my dad thinks I don't remember doing. My dad noticed what I was doing and he slammed my phone shut and had to call back and explain the situation. I guess everything was ok, because no policemen or firemen came busting down the doors. I guess I also thought that I heard people talking about killing me and I got out of bed and dove into the bathroom and locked the door because I thought I heard them coming in my room. Diving was definitely not something I should have been doing. I mean, I was not even supposed to put weight on my leg, let alone dive anywhere. But I was unharmed from that experience... to my father's surprise. I also remember being so scared that I started to stutter. I remember shaking constantly, and I remember how scared and paranoid I was. I remember way more than everyone else thinks. But I wish I didn't. I wish I would have forgotten everything.