just hurting.

I am getting so frustrated with myself. I am having trouble concentrating, I cannot read something for more than about twenty minutes, and now I cannot even organize my own thoughts. I used to disregard the comments about having a.d.d. Now I am starting to really believe it. I have constant thoughts of just breaking something. I don't really know how to explain it. When I get mad I just have a thought about how good it would feel to, I don't know, take a bat to the t.v. or smash my fist through a window. I am trying to change. A couple days ago, I wrote down all the bad habits I wanted to change, and I prayed about them. I wrote each down on a piece of paper and then burned them in a metal bucket in my room. I was feeling so good until the smoke from the flame set off the smoke alarm. Mind you, it is 12 am, and my mom is right across the hall. I doused the fire in some water I had near by... thank God... and I told my mom to go back to bed. I told her that I spilled a candle. So that whole experience was a flop. I admit, I am a complete blond. I knew it wasn't a smart idea, but I was just hurting. Peace takes precedence over safety. (Not anymore) So that whole spiritual revelation thing did not really pan out. I just have to keep praying and having faith. It's all I have now, my faith. Life is falling apart, against my will, of course. I feel as though I am cut off from society. I am a balloon cut from the safety and comfort of a ribbon. I am just floating off in space somewhere alone and gone.