Raw

So many things have happened since I last posted. My parents are getting divorced. Item number 1 on the list. I never thought in a million years that this would happen. I've known this for a few months, but I'm still shocked by some recent events that have presented themselves. My emotions have ranged from being angry, denial, shock, being more angry, depressed, being even more angry, guilt, betrayed, helpless, and gradual acceptance. I never knew how much I needed God until I dealt with my parents and their issues with each other. My brother was away at college, leaving me the only possible mediator between both parents. After listening to my father bash and complain about my mother, and my mother bash and complain about my father, I was left bitter toward both and feeling all alone. Between counseling both parents, working in the church, working at McDonalds, taking 7 college courses, maintaining a scholarship, and maintaining my sanity through it all, I suffocated and crashed. This trial has ground me down to a raw, emotional mess. I'm finally at peace about all of this, though it took nothing short of God himself to get me to this point. He continues to show me that only when I am raw and real with myself, can I begin to change. Just like a blister forms from the friction of, say new shoes, so forms the desire to change and adapt against the friction of life. Although I don't enjoy any of this, God is working it all together to benefit me in the end. He is growing me, and loving me even in my moments of hatred and despite my horrible attitude. When I fix my eyes on the problems surrounding me, I lose sight of God's amazing grace, and the miracles He performs daily in my life. So, dear reader, as I fix my eyes on Jesus "The author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross" through "throwing off my sin" or confession my sin, and turning from my selfish desires, constant prayer and reading of God's word, I pray that you would do the same in whatever trial you face. God has been the only source of joy in my life, and He has never let me down. I finally know true joy and true peace. Only God would grant me joy and peace in the midst of the hardest trial of my life (so far).  He never changes. He was awesome before the world was made, and He is just as awesome now, as He weaves His good and perfect will into our lives. God is my life. God is my reason for living. I may fail Him every day, but God never fails me. So I bid you a fond farewell for the night. I will sleep with a thankful heart toward the goodness of God, a heart at peace about God's direction for my life, and a smile on my face, as I'm lulled to sleep to the sound of my cat snoring next to me.

~Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.~    Hebrews 12:1-2