Sunday, January 23, 2011

Random thought...

As a christian woman with attention deficit disorder, I need consistency in some aspect every day. I don't thrive on it I'll admit, but let's face it life is not about thriving on everything we want. Change is woven into my life because of my impulsive mind. It's very hard to resist an impulse because it is such a split second decision. For example I remember driving to a class at the community college freshman year, in the fall . I love nature, especially trees in autumn. I can't avoid driving past Lake Storey, and the infinite forest surrounding it. The thought popped into my that I should pull over to the gravel parking lot so I could look at the general splendor. So I did, and please know I am not proud of this. I walked from my car to a small weather warn dock that extended about ten feet past the shallow end of the lake and sat down in quiet wonder. I sat on the dock watching the trees, their beautiful reflection cast in the lake, and listened to the peaceful songs of passing birds. I completely missed my class. The occasional thought did pass my mind that I was missing class, but that's all it was, a passing thought. That was a huge moment of weakness in my life. I am still ashamed to even think about it. Anyway, I say that to emphasize my impulsive behavior and my need for consistency. During my time alone with God, I notice with increasing amazement that He never changes. God is the only one I can count on to stay the same. It is comforting to know God has always been and will always be amazing, patient, powerful, compassionate, holy, and just. In an ever changing world with fleeting desires, countless trends, and upgrading, God is constant.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Time alone with God

My mind started revolving around one common theme throughout the day: "Why am I stuck here?". Not only physically stuck living in this town in my parents house, but mentally stuck with selfish thoughts, worried thoughts, anxious thoughts, thoughts of what others think of me, and thoughts of comparison toward my peers in college and me. I decided to shower, and the nagging thoughts pursued me. I was comparing myself to some friends who had an evident passion and love for God. They were successful, attractive, talented, and gave God the glory for it. I worry so much about what others think of me, and waste so much energy trying to erase my undesirable traits. I want others to like me so much, and my successful friends don't have to try to make others like them for it to happen. God rose a red flag in my mind because I forgot that His relationship with me is the only one that matters. God nudged the idea that if I want to grow close to Him; then I need to listen to Him and follow Him and make an effort to know Him. My life was about pleasing others, and trying to be someone I'm not so others will praise me. So after the shower I grabbed my devotion book and my bible and I went upstairs. My quick prayer beforehand was "Open my heart to what you will teach me God". The passage for today was Revelation 1:12-16. My first thought was what am I going to learn from revelation about being selfless, and caring more about pleasing God than others? But I read on reminding myself that I was already acting like I knew what God was going to teach me. The passage was about John banished to the island Patmos. Yet he was praising God. He prayed not for an escape from the island, but he prayed for others. He worshiped God by reciting scripture instead of worrying about his predicament. (Foot in my mouth moment #1) Then God revealed heaven, and the events of the end times. But what the devo book narrowed in on was the image of Jesus described by John. The image of Jesus as the Reigning King, Holy, and the First and Last is how He looks now. The devo stated that "How you view Jesus profoundly influences how you follow Jesus. Your perception of Jesus correlates to your pursuit of Jesus.". So many times I hear the name Jesus and I picture him as beaten, broken, and dying on the cross. God showed me that the more important part of the death and resurrection of Jesus is the actual resurrection of Jesus. He is alive! Trying to worship God with the image of "beaten Jesus" in my head diminishes my view of God's power and His ultimate control as the Creator of the universe. Yes Jesus cares for us, and yes Jesus died for us and wants to have a relationship with us, but I realized how wrong I was that that was all I saw in Jesus. Jesus has control over everything, even death. When I envision Jesus as Glorious, Powerful, Holy, and Perfect God; I forget about the opinions of others. I not only know that pleasing God is more important than pleasing others, but I believe it with all my heart.