I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to him when I see him next and in my mind, I picture it like it's an intense break up scene straight from a romance movie. I want to slap him, say my little speech that I conjured in my head for an hour, then turn around and walk away, leaving him feeling emotionally injured and alone to battle with his own conscience.
Then I realized that that may make me feel good for a second after, but what good will it do me in the long run? Will that help me heal? Will that help me forgive him? It won't, so I'm going to have to pray about what I will actually say. I am trying to forgive him though. It's a drawn out process but I just keep remembering that no matter what, I cannot judge him because "mercy triumphs over judgement."
So in my efforts to guard my heart last night, I read through the book of James. I think that might be my favorite book as of right now. Then I listened to three podcasts about spiritual formation. It kept my mind set on things above, which helped tremendously.
I will say that this has definitely helped me get over my feelings for him. I don't miss him anymore. (I mean that's got to count for something, right?) I don't know if I ever want to be friends with him... yet... but that might change during the process of forgiving/healing. Right now, all I know is that I am focusing on God.
I plan to remain single for a very long time (God willing). I plan to keep that distraction out of my life for at least a year, as long as it's God's will of course. Hey, you know, maybe God's plan for me is to remain single forever... That was the topic of one of my podcasts last night... If God's will for me is to keep marriage out of the picture, then you know what? GOD'S WILL BE DONE! (I will just adopt 17 or so cats and name them all human names.)
Sometimes I think that that may be the case. I just feel like my crazy personality and sometimes ridiculous antics is not something a normal, Christian, Christ-centered guy would want to put up with. Maybe that is my insecurity talking, or maybe that is me just being stubborn about ever wanting to date again. (Okay, I'm done being bitter. Mercy over judgement, mercy over judgement!)
I finally feel at peace about being single. This opens up so many new opportunities for me!
1. I don't have to shave my legs regularly
2. My makeup routine is now 10 minutes shorter
3. I am free to be confident and hang out with guys more (Psh... like that will happen)
4. I can focus on my relationship with God more.
5. My room is sooo messy and I LOVE IT!!!
6. I won't be tempted to give in to my selfish ambitions with him.
7. I have time to work on saying no and meaning it.
8. My friends and I will grow closer than ever.
9. God has provided me with 2 accountability partners... which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still dating so and so.
10. I am free from the guilt and temptation that came with so and so and free to receive God's abundant blessing!!!
God is good, all the time. God has been pouring out His blessing on me and I am just loving every minute of it! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
^
That is my new life verse... my previous life verse was:
2 Corinthians 1:9
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
^
Yeah, as you can tell, it's a huge change from where I've been to where I am now. PRAISE THE LORD!
And I leave you with this hilarious video "Sh-stuff Single Girls Say" It made me giggle.
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