Last night after my blog post, I had a weird, kind of "crazy, random happenstance." I was texting a friend and the topic of religion came up. He mentioned he was searching for some faith... and my heart about stopped. What's this? Another opportunity to share my faith? Well praise God! I said a quick prayer for some peace and the right words to say. I prayed for God to open his heart to Him.
So, filled with so much excitement that I almost peed, I texted him back, "It's rough these days, but what helped me was getting to know who God is by reading the bible. It's such a sunday school answer, I know, but books like Galations and John helpled me see how awesome God is. The bible is written by forty different authors over a span of 2000 year and they all write about God; they are all consistent with each other. I knew there had to be more to life than living for myself so I gave my life to God and now I live for a purpose greater than my own and it's brought me joy that I could never get by living for myself. You should come to my church with me on Sunday and check it out! If you are really searching for some faith, check out the book of John and ask God to speak to your heart and help you find some answers. You don't have to got to a church to meet with God:)" Then I texted my youth pastor to make sure I didn't leave anything out in my ridiculous excitement to evangelize!
God is so good. Even through my over-excited bumbling mess of a text, God gave me peace and wisdom to witness His love to a friend over a text message. I will continue to pray for this gentleman every day in the hopes that he finds what he is looking for but most of all, finds fulfillment in a relationship with Christ.
So last night was a definite blessing for me to know that I'm not a complete doofus and maybe I don't screw everything up. Today though... oh man. It's like I hit a brick wall today. Today is my day off but holy moses it was so busy. I got up at 7:30 after a horrible night's sleep. I woke up so many times.
Anyway, I got up early and went to walmart to pick up cupcake mix and baking supplies. Then I realized I forgot something so I had to drive to dollar general who didn't have what I needed, so I begrudgingly drove to walgreens who had what I needed but at a ridiculous price.
Then I got to baking. I baked chocolate cupcakes and made my own whipped nutella icing for them. A labor of love. I hate cooking by the way. I just suck at cooking. Actually the cupcakes turned out fine and the icing was delish. I baked them for my youth band today for staying on task last week and also because it was someone's birthday. After I baked and iced the cupcakes, I went to church to practice piano. I played until my friend showed up and I coached him on how to play Manifesto. Then at 1, youth band practice started. Someone forgot their music, which was frustrating. We actually got every song done with a half hour to spare, but the students were pretty unfocused today.
It's so hard to start being an adult when everyone knows me as the immature ridiculous funny girl. Once you make a name for yourself, it's hard to change it. So now that I'm finally trying to be serious about worship, no one gets it. Everyone still treats me like the jester. I feel like a huge jerk for finally becoming an authority figure, but I also feel so disrespected. I don't think they take me seriously. I don't know if anyone really does but that's a completely different story. I lose my voice every Thursday from just trying to talk over the three or four people who interrupt me during practice. The time I finally want to act like an adult and start to act mature, is when I get shot down.
They don't listen and it definitely feels like I'm doing all of this in vain. I tried to organize a small discussion about our purpose as worship leaders and... I don't really know if anyone even heard what I was saying. I put so much effort into it but it felt like a giant waste of time which killed me. I'm kind of at my wit's end about this. Maybe I'm just tired.
Then I went to an hour and 20 minute voice lesson. It went well, but my instructor worked me hard. I then went back to church to work on a playlist for my youth pastor. I was supposed to go to a listening session tonight, but I'm just exhausted and my mood is atrocious. I got in an argument with my mom and that about iced the cake for me today. I'm now holed up in my room venting to cyberspace.
All the voices in my head are telling me that I'm never going to grow up and that the past month's growth isn't real and it isn't going to last. I'm never going to measure up to other adults my age because I'm an immature, naive, stupid little girl. There are some serious attacks against my heart right now and it's very overwhelming. I'm not sure why today I feel so horrible. I can only pray for peace and dig into the word for God to speak to me. I trust that God has a plan for this pain right now, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
I'm placing my identity in Christ now which is a very uncomfortable process. I am not relying on my humor anymore to make me feel like I belong, so sometimes I just feel worthless. Then add being shot down for trying to grow up and now I just feel stupid. I know that Christ gives me worth, but knowing and feeling are two opposing forces. Okay enough blogging for today. I just want someone to love on me right now and tell me something corny and cliche to get me through this, but Christ loves me even though I don't feel it right now so I will just trust Him and find peace in that.
Isaiah 33:2
O Lord, be gracious to us;
we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
our salvation in time of distress.
2 Cor 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
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