I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked from 8-2 this morning. I am so tired. I'm extremely sore from the extreme game of ultimate frisbee (after college bible study) last night. I dove and got knocked over a lot and landed on my hips a couple of times which has left me walking around like an old lady. One would think this would be the perfect recipe for an awful mood, right?
I'm actually feeling... well... hopeful. Something happened at work today. I talked to someone who shared something at during the church service Sunday morning. This woman has been through so much, and she is my hero. She shared her heart Sunday morning in front of the whole church and I could just hear God in every word she spoke. Her testimony spoke directly to my soul.
She thanked me for singing my ministry (the solo I sang) and I thanked her back. I told her everything I thought about her and how much of a blessing she is to the church even though she may not see it. This woman is going through an awfully dark night right now, but she has the strength to cling to God and testify before everyone how she is growing through it all. She said that she feels she has no strength and I told her that she makes me feel stronger. Seeing her rely on God to direct her through her dark night makes me feel like I can do this too. Everything I told her was straight from my heart and I guess it encouraged her. She gave me a hug and we parted ways. I really hope she saw in some small way how she greatly impacts the church even in her suffering. As I went back to hanging clothes, God's voice spoke into my heart and said "There is more to you than you think, Erin."
I was in public, so I did not burst into tears like I usually do when I experience God... but it was really hard not to. Through that, I now see at least a tiny glimmer of hope for me. The voices combat this hope by saying "That was not who you really are. You are not an encouraging person. That was just a fluke." ...but the voices have started to fade, becoming dimmer. God's voice is louder, telling me I am loved. God loves me so much that He even turns my failure into something beautiful. He loves me so much that He doesn't let me, or any of His children, suffer in vain.
One week and one day has passed since I deleted my facebook account. I was struggling today with the thought of returning to facebook. I was struggling with a lot of tempting thoughts today, probably stemming from my exhaustion, emotional issues, and loneliness. My first reaction toward the temptation was prayer. It was almost involuntary. I never noticed it before, but prayer has become more involuntary for me.
I'm still pretty surprised thinking about it now. God has been taking care of me so much. He's blessed me with growth and spiritual maturity. I take no credit for any of it whatsoever, because I couldn't possibly do that myself. (Just so you know.) I also realize that I have so much more growing and maturing to do.
I know that I have so much more life ahead of me than what is in my past. Maybe not here on earth but definitely in heaven, where it counts.
Psalm 40:1-5
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man
who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
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