I am so frustrated with myself that I cannot stand it. I am really not guarding my heart. I am seeking God, but my foolish heart is distracted toward my baggage. It's been two weeks. Two lovely weeks full of blessing and desiring God and growth and experiencing God's love. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.
Am I being cryptic enough so that you don't know what I'm talking about? I hope so. I want to be strong on my own... As I typed that, I realized that is just silly. I want to be strong, but I could never be strong on my own. I draw my strength from God, but as of now, I am going into panic mode as soon because reality has hit me again. I am worrying. I am not guarding my heart.
Now is the time where my faith and growth is put to the test. My vacation is over. This is where the rubber meets the road. ...And the cliches end now. I'm trying to walk before I can even stand. Oh crap, okay... now I'm finished with the cliches.
Life is settling back to the way it was and I don't like it. I'm out of my comfort zone. I don't think I'm ready. But it's simply because I'm not trusting God. I am so caught up in what may happen and so caught up in failing that I don't even give God a chance. I am not fully healed. I thought I was... but I'm not. I thought I was okay, but now that things are going back to normal, I realize that I overestimated myself.
The voices in my head tell me I'm an idiot for hoping. Naive for thinking I could be so strong. I'm never going to change. I will always be stuck in my foolish ways, too weak to even try escaping. The voices tell me I'm ugly again. They tell me how stupid I am and that even my greatest asset is nothing, my best quality is completely worthless. I am completely worthless. (These voices are well versed and have had many years to perfect the art of self destruction and torture.)
I want so much to just be in control of these voices and my emotions. I want so much to be strong enough to move on. But as Pastor Kevin Campbell so succinctly stated "God giving us what we want can be a scary thing." What I want right now is not what I need. God is taking me on a journey through my loneliness, through my broken heart, my insecurity, self-loathing, and panic. God is teaching me something right this very second as I struggle with all of this crap. I have faith that this is all for my good.
I trust God and what He says in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that I already posted today but writing what is going on in my brain helps me organize my thoughts and combat the voices and lay it all down before God. If I didn't write this down, my ADHD brain would obsess over it a while, make me even more frustrated, and then just notice something bright and shiny and I forget all about it. (Just poking fun at myself to lighten the mood. But in all actuality, I am actually more distracted by loud noises, rather than shiny objects... LOUD NOISES!!! ...Oh, come on! The set up was perfect!! I had to say it!)
So if you could, please pray for me. Not for my deliverance from this suffering, but perseverance through it all. Please pray that I would stop believing the voices in my head, and that I wouldn't let these trials divert my attention, focus, and adoration from my One True God.
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