I put the attitude in Beatitude.

Today has been awful. I've become this person I don't like. A selfish jerk. I'm screwing up everything. (Now I know that this isn't true, but it's how I feel.) I feel a little depressed, lonely, angry, and hopeless. My piano teacher told me today that I lack confidence. I mean, tell me something I don't know, but she said I am perfectly capable of sight reading. I guess I am realizing that that statement applies to more than just sight reading. To quote my favorite character Megan, from the ultimate chick flick, Bridesmaids "You are your problem Annie, and you are also your solution." I can sit around and think I am incapable, and I am at certain things, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. I am so afraid to try for fear of failure. I only want to try the things in which I know I will succeed, but the bible says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I guess that even applies to schoolwork. Fear of failure can be an excuse to never do anything. I love being lazy. I guess it's more than laziness. It's selfishness. I want to do what I want when I want. I am subject to my own impulses. A slave really, and the bible says I cannot serve two masters. I cannot serve God and myself. It's time to grow up. I've fallen into this rut of self satisfaction that is tearing me away from God, and life really sucks right now. What sucks even more is knowing I've put myself in this giant hole, because I thought doing what I wanted would make me happy. It's made me quite depressed. It's funny how life works like that. What society tells us about being happy "Do what you want, and you will be happy.  Do good things, and only look out for yourself or you will get hurt." Jesus took all of those standards and ripped them apart. The beatitudes say it all.

Matthew 5:1-12

1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

It's so different than anything the world has ever taught. Blessed are the people who don't search for happiness. Who don't live life for themselves. Blessed are those who become slaves to the cross, for in that they will find freedom. The people who humble themselves and become last in the eyes of the world, will be first in the eyes of Christ. In this we will find true fulfillment. I am done living a life for myself. It doesn't do me any good anyway. I am not happy living this way. I want to live a life for Christ, to serve Him and strive to please my Creator, not to make me feel good or to be blessed, but because I know putting to death my selfish desires to serve Christ is the only life worth living.

   So now I'm faced with a choice. I can choose to give in to myself and go to bed sad, or I can seek God in my hopelessness through prayer and bible reading. Hmm... tough choice...

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.