I walked out of the office in complete shock and terror. I felt like I was walking back to my car in pitch darkness groping around for any type of support or sign of life. I felt like I had just plead guilty and had been sentenced to death. I walked to my car like it was the gallows. I sat in my car and cried. I cried in despair and cried out to God. "I don't want to deal with this anymore" has become a common plea and is no exception in this case. Being so overwhelmed with depression and anxiety that it makes death look like my only friend is not something I want to continue to deal with. It just downright sucks.
My heart sobbed while my soul sang an all too familiar tune to me which became so much more literal and meaningful than it had ever been before: "Indeed in our very hearts we felt the sentence of death, but this happened that we may not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:9) This death sentence I've incurred is necessary. I need this death sentence. Otherwise I will only rely on my own dwindling strength to get through and eventually give up. And my God raises the dead, so in Him I have hope. I've been in pain for the past few months, so much so that sometimes I just want to end it all, but this pain will not go in vain. For some reason and in some way, God is working this together for my good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.
I'm so close to leaving for Colorado. 47 days. It feels like an eternity. Some days I don't think I can make it one more day. Some days I just want to go home to be with Jesus, because I have absolutely nothing to offer this world. I have left a path of pain and destruction in my wake, and I don't want that for anyone. I don't mean to end this post on a sour note, so I'll just end with some reassurance. Right now, not having someone close to go to has forced me to go to God. It's been good. Also, I'm trusting God in this time of despair and hopelessness. "I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope." (Bane from The Dark Knight Rises)
Which brings me to my next topic, tattoos. I'm getting a tattoo. This decision was made on April 14th. The tattoo will say Rise up in Moroccan Arabic. It's the chant the prisoners scream as Bruce Wayne climbs from the Lazarus pit from The Dark Knight Rises. I had made some horrible life decisions and I told a friend "I feel like Bruce Wayne when he's thrown into the pit, but I have no desire to climb up and escape because I belong down here with all the criminal scum. I deserve to rot at the bottom of the pit." And to that, my friend said "When all you know is darkness, the idea of light gives little comfort and freedom and just seems like an illusion, so you embrace the darkness like you belong there. Trust those of us who know the light. Trust us right now, then later, when you are in the light, you can trust the light." Then they said "Rise, rise, RISE!"
That's why I'm getting the tattoo. As a reminder of the darkness I've been in. It's a reminder to see myself the way God sees me and to keep rising through the darkness. It will help me remember that I will never be so lost or broken or defeated or so deep in the pit that God can't allow me to rise up from it. My hope comes from above and I just need to lift up my head for deliverance, and the Lord will enable me to rise up and meet it.
I may seem completely hopeless and beaten down and depressed, but God. That's it. But God. I have God in my life and He is my only hope right now. I hold out hope that He has something awesome planned for me and that He loves even though I hate myself. He sees something in me that I cannot. Even though I feel weak and incapable of doing anything right, I can hope in the Lord because He uses the weak to lead the strong. Underdogs are His specialty.
I mean, Sampson was one slice of beefcake, and then he went and got stupid with a girl and lost all his strength then got blinded, bound, and captured. But God still used him to take down an entire city! God STILL used Sampson! God used Sampson in his weakest, most broken down state! God could have chosen to use him when he had all his strength, but it's that much more of a miracle when God used him in his weakness!
I don't know what's in store for me, maybe I'll get to take down a city with a donkey's jawbone, I don't know. Only 47 days. All I have to do is make the most of the time I have with the God I love and the people who support me. I need to be thankful of what I have and for what I don't have. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows." James 1:17. I will rise up.
تيجي بسرعة
(This is my tattoo. I'm getting it on my wrist. Judge me all you want. I don't care.)
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