I just wanted you to know that I'm single, 21 years old, and I live with my mom... in the basement... yeah. Go ahead and laugh. I know I have become a stereotype. I am well aware. Done laughing? Okay, moving on...
I'm about ready to drop dead. Today was quite exhausting. Youth band practice is always a somewhat stressful activity for me. The first practice of the summer is no exception. I started out by buying pizzas for the band to eat while I discussed the primary function of our worship band as a team. We practiced all new songs and only had time to practice 3 out of the 5 I had planned. (Something I've been beating myself up about all day.) We were missing two people, one who plays acoustic guitar and one of the drummers who plays mostly acoustic songs. So the acoustic songs we tried to play today weren't as up to par as I had hoped. (Something else I've been beating myself up about all day.) Then some students were being super distracting, so I kind of snapped. I told them we need to focus and we only have a little time left to practice, but I might have said it a little too harsh. (Another thing I've been beating myself up about all day.) I just hated how unprepared I felt and kicked myself for not working harder. There are many times in my life I would trade all my creativity and
humor for some intelligence, organization, and a good personality.
I never really realized how much I beat myself up until I started praying more. I am really hard on myself. I get frustrated with myself whenever I screw up, and it plagues my mind for hours or even days afterward. I don't like much about myself, so any little thing I mess up just affirms my beliefs that I'm a failure and will never succeed.
As you know, I went straight from band practice to work, and as I was hanging clothes, I was also beating myself up about the hectic, stressful band practice. I started praying for peace. I remembered talking with the worship pastor about the practice because he happened to be listening. I mentioned how hectic the band practice was, and he said "The first ones usually are." As I reminisced, I realized I had been beating myself up about something that I could not really control. Then I was frustrated at myself about how empty the acoustic songs sounded. I realized that I couldn't help that either, seeing that two acoustic musicians were out of town.
The voices telling me that the practice was a failure, started to fade when I prayed for God's true peace and the strength to guard my heart against them. Then a still, small voice bubbled from the depths of my heart and said "All this time spent beating yourself up over the past is preventing you from seeing the blessings of the present." I was shocked. I never thought I could ever say or think of anything so profound. It wasn't me, though. I know that God was speaking to me right there in Goodwill. God is taking me on a journey through my own bruised, damaged heart right now. God is leading me through all of the junk I've built up in my heart against myself. He's helping me identify it, sort it all out, and get rid of it. It's like I'm spring cleaning... but in my heart... and in the summer... okay... maybe not the best metaphor.
Anyway, I cannot express how amazing God is right now. He has revealed so much to me and blessed me so much. Even though my heart is broken by multiple people and under attack by my self-loathing, God is blessing me, and I cannot help but praise His glorious name. Psalm 13 is resonating within my soul right now.
Hope is glimmering over the lining of the storm clouds. I pray that someday God will bring me through this storm and I will someday see the value that God sees in me. If not, then I hold on to the hope that God is with me through this storm, and He will never leave me or forsake me like so many others have. God is using all the stress, pain, and suffering I am going through right now for my good. This is going to make me better, stronger, and more reliant on Him.
Psalm 43:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
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