I'm such a girl

   Old wounds have been ripped open. The past couple of days have been awesome, but right now,  someone has been jabbing me about breaking my ex's heart and it hurts. I never wanted to break up with him, but you know, God was not the number one priority in my life and I was far from Him. I struggled with so many temptations and I just couldn't handle it on my own. God's will for my life is to place my identity in Him and not in another man.
   So, this person kept asking my why I broke up with him, and told me how heart broken he is, and how sad he is and it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a super b-word. It got me to thinking about him and missing him. Man, I miss him so much. I just miss being friends with him. I'm so weak. I'm so emotional.
   I've prayed for him every day that God would just bless him and that he would fall more in love with God every day. I pray for his next relationship, his future, his career, and his relationship with God. I care about him, so I want pray for him, but it also seems to help my heart heal and reminds me that God is in control. I still hurt though. I pray that God will be my strength as I struggle with this, and that He will give me patience to learn to be satisfied in Him.
   I get so frustrated with myself for not being satisfied in God. I'm trying so hard to just draw near to God by praying and reading His word and just surrendering to God in every aspect of my life and doing His will. I'm angry that I'm not where I should be. I'm angry that I just cannot pull myself together. I hate being all emotional and needy, and... well... acting like a girl.
   College group was tonight, which was awesome. It was led by the new youth and worship pastor at the Nazarene church. She's 22 and amazing! We talked about faith without deeds. I mentioned to everyone that God has been placing on my heart to put my entire paycheck into the offering next Sunday.
   God has given me so much, a whole year of college tuition paid for, and financial aid, a new keyboard, and blessing upon blessing, and I need to at least give what I can back to Him. So that's what is on the agenda for this week! My next paycheck is going into the offering. I've been fighting with God about it for a while so it helps to get the word out so others will hold me accountable on this. It's going to hurt, but God deserves everything I have so it's worth it.
   I also got to hang out with my favorite ginger and Laura. We went to applebees and saw Rock of Ages. I heart musicals, and I heart Rock of Ages. Oh my goodness there was soo much singing in the theater! It was mostly coming from me, but I didn't care! It's been so nice to finally know what a community feels like and have a steady group of friends who love me and whom I can count on and hold me accountable.
   Like I said, I'm kind of hurting right now, but God is good. His love endures forever, and I will not give in to the temptation to text so and so right now. I'm just going to dig into the word some more, pray, and maybe listen to a podcast. Even though I'm drop-dead tired.
   God is working my pain out for my good. I trust that He will bring beauty from my pain. I love God so much, and even in my broken state, I will praise His glorious name because God is worthy to be praised, especially when it's hard to do so. So, glory to God forever!
 2 Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.