Cheesy, cliche letter to myself.

Dear Erin,
Someone out there is waiting for you. Someone out there is praying for you. That someone has been chosen by God to sweep you off your feet and captivate your very heart and soul. That someone is strong in the Lord. He is a leader. He is everything you need in a man. God is pretty good at giving you what you need, right? I mean, after 22 years of struggling and wrestling with God, the one thing you have learned is that He gives you what you need. There are men in your life who you want right now, but they are not what you need. (You don't need a man in your life period.) Anyway, they will not wait for you like this special someone is waiting for you. Don't lose sight of what is important. God is still teaching you patience, and this is one way of exercising some patience. Wait for that special someone. Don't get all bleary eyed looking out the window every day waiting for him either. Wait on the Lord instead. God is whom you should be focused on right now. I only write this to you to help you realize that you are worth waiting for, because someone is doing just that right now. You are worth more than what is right in front of you. There is a man out there worth more than any man you could get right now. Wait. Don't let waiting for this man become your idol though. Someday he will be there plain as the sunrise, but just like the sunrise, it comes in its own time. Don't waste your time on sighing over what he will be like or who he could be. Just follow God and consider it a wonderful surprise when you happen upon each other someday. God wants you to focus on Him right now and let tomorrow worry about itself. God wants what is best for you right now, and right now, your best is finishing your school in Galesburg to the best of your ability and knowing God more. Do this for God's glory right now. Serve God right now in the little things, and later, He will entrust you to serve Him with the big things. Remember to live by grace everyday and not by your own works. Remember that everyone is to be loved, and not just those who treat you with kindness and respect. Jerks need love too. God calls you to love the jerks, because frankly, Erin, you are a huge jerk most of the time anyway, and God loves you in all your jerkiness. Love those who don't deserve it, so they may see the face of God. Be gracious as God has been gracious to you. Live a life worthy of the sacrifice Christ made on your behalf, and when you don't, cling to God all the more for help, forgiveness, and direction. Focus on knowing God more. Really knowing Him. Remember why you fell in love with the God of the universe in the first place. Focus on these things, and someday that someone will take your breath away when you least expect  it, when you cast this worry upon Him. Finding that someone is not the end all, be all. Life will not suddenly become worth living when this happens. Christ makes life worth living, so live it! Erin, God made you beautiful. He sees your worth and beauty even though you never have. Even in your weakness God makes you strong, so what more have you to fear?! He has given you a purpose. He has made you a new creation! The old is gone, and behold! The new has come! Stop living life as an old creation and live life anew! God loves you at your worst. Only God is worth taking up your cross daily. Die to yourself and live for Him. You will fail, but remember that Christ never does. Jehovah-Jireh. God is your provider. So now that I've written all of this to you, you need to get out of bed, dust yourself off, drink some more caffeine, and do some homework. Do it for God's glory. Then spend some time thanking Him for everything he has given to you and everything he has taken away from you. Thank God for adopting you as His child. Go from here a changed woman. Not because you vow to try harder or do better. Trying harder and doing better will not get you far without a changed heart. But do this because God has changed you from the inside out. God has changed you, and by His grace, He will continue to grow you into an outstanding young woman of God. All the glory and honor and power go to God and God alone.
Amen.

I put the attitude in Beatitude.

Today has been awful. I've become this person I don't like. A selfish jerk. I'm screwing up everything. (Now I know that this isn't true, but it's how I feel.) I feel a little depressed, lonely, angry, and hopeless. My piano teacher told me today that I lack confidence. I mean, tell me something I don't know, but she said I am perfectly capable of sight reading. I guess I am realizing that that statement applies to more than just sight reading. To quote my favorite character Megan, from the ultimate chick flick, Bridesmaids "You are your problem Annie, and you are also your solution." I can sit around and think I am incapable, and I am at certain things, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. I am so afraid to try for fear of failure. I only want to try the things in which I know I will succeed, but the bible says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I guess that even applies to schoolwork. Fear of failure can be an excuse to never do anything. I love being lazy. I guess it's more than laziness. It's selfishness. I want to do what I want when I want. I am subject to my own impulses. A slave really, and the bible says I cannot serve two masters. I cannot serve God and myself. It's time to grow up. I've fallen into this rut of self satisfaction that is tearing me away from God, and life really sucks right now. What sucks even more is knowing I've put myself in this giant hole, because I thought doing what I wanted would make me happy. It's made me quite depressed. It's funny how life works like that. What society tells us about being happy "Do what you want, and you will be happy.  Do good things, and only look out for yourself or you will get hurt." Jesus took all of those standards and ripped them apart. The beatitudes say it all.

Matthew 5:1-12

1 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

It's so different than anything the world has ever taught. Blessed are the people who don't search for happiness. Who don't live life for themselves. Blessed are those who become slaves to the cross, for in that they will find freedom. The people who humble themselves and become last in the eyes of the world, will be first in the eyes of Christ. In this we will find true fulfillment. I am done living a life for myself. It doesn't do me any good anyway. I am not happy living this way. I want to live a life for Christ, to serve Him and strive to please my Creator, not to make me feel good or to be blessed, but because I know putting to death my selfish desires to serve Christ is the only life worth living.

   So now I'm faced with a choice. I can choose to give in to myself and go to bed sad, or I can seek God in my hopelessness through prayer and bible reading. Hmm... tough choice...

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

3 years.

   Last night I got home pretty late. I drove home from a friend's house completely nodding off, but I made it. When I got home, I went on facebook before bed, because honestly I NEEDED to. Kidding. I'm just a weenie who can't wait until morning.
   For some reason, the though popped into my brain that it had been three years since my first hip surgery. I wanted to post a status about it, and then I decided to link an old blog post to it. I searched through my old posts to find one worthy of facebook, and I ended up just reading through most of my old posts and marveling at how much God has grown me since then.
   He has brought me through so much, and yet I live my life as if I am entitled to it. I spent a couple hours reading through the first extremely depressing posts about the surgery, which slowly turned reflection into what God was doing in my life.
    At some point something clicked with me, and God got a hold of my heart. Reading those posts just left me speechless about how ungrateful I am about my life today. If I didn't have those surgeries, I would have arthritis in my hips today, and I'd barely be able to walk. But because God loves me so much, He revealed by a miracle that I needed surgery.
   I am just so thankful of the life I have right now. God has blessed me with joyous memories and trials that have grown me into a stronger woman of God. I do believe blessings come through trials. I believe God works all things together for our good. This includes our addictions, our failures, our weaknesses, our triumphs, pride, talents, selfishness, and inability. God uses these to refine us like gold in the fire.
   So after I read through a bunch of my old blog posts, I stopped and prayed. Really prayed this time. It wasn't rushed or just prayed to get in some interaction with God. It was the first time I felt like I had finally slowed down enough to mean my prayer. (At 4 in the morning, anyone can feel slowed down enough for pretty much anything.)
   I started praising God for His amazing grace in my life, apologizing for living a life unworthy of what He's given me, and asking for wisdom to discern how to handle the many freedoms I now have in my life.
   What I mean by that is, I've never been thin or beautiful before. I've never had to deal with the temptation that comes with men. I see how much freedom I have with my body, and it's been really hard to remain pure.  When I was heavy, no guy would even look at me the way they do now, so by default I never had to deal with it. With all this freedom, comes so much difficulty. I like the way guys look at me, and sometimes I'm tempted to do really stupid things.
   Now that I'm not recovering from surgery, or in the process of losing weight, waiting to get back into school, or going through life without any friends, I have so much more freedom, so many more choices. I can do so much with my time. When I was stuck and had no where else to go, following God was so easy. Now, I'm dealing with all of the choices that come with freedom, and I'm sinking under the weight.
   ....So I prayed for wisdom and self discipline. I prayed to find my security in Christ alone, and not other guys. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me until there is nothing left of myself. I prayed for the motivation to get up and go to work the next day because it was now 5am, and I would be running on about 5 hours of sleep for the rest of the day.
   After I prayed for that and everyone on my prayer board, I turned on a podcast by Tim Keller about work, based in Genesis, and tried to go to sleep. I drifted off with thankfulness and praise of God on my lips. I just thanked God over and over for all He has done in my life and for who He is. I'm so in love with God. Enough from me. I have to go to work now. God bless.

Proverbs 16:7-9
When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

8 Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.